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Lyr Add: Recitations written by Stanley Holloway

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Monologue John 15 May 23 - 03:46 PM
Monologue John 15 May 23 - 03:54 PM
Monologue John 15 May 23 - 11:42 PM
Nigel Parsons 16 May 23 - 02:42 PM
Monologue John 19 May 23 - 04:56 PM
Richard Mellish 20 May 23 - 03:41 AM
Monologue John 29 May 23 - 03:27 PM
Gozz 29 May 23 - 04:20 PM
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Subject: Lyr Add: Recitations written by Stanley Holloway
From: Monologue John
Date: 15 May 23 - 03:46 PM

Sam, Sam, Pick Oop Tha' Musket
or   SAM SMALL by Stanley Holloway

It occurred on the evening before Waterloo,
And troops were lined up on parade,
The Sergeant inspecting 'em he was a terror,
Of whom every man was afraid

All excepting one man who was in the front rank,
A man by the name of Sam Small,
And 'im and the Sergeant were both 'daggers drawn',
They thought 'nowt' of each other at all

As Sergeant walked past he was swinging his arms,
And he happened to brush against Sam,
And knocking his musket clean out of his hand,
It fell to the ground with a slam

'Pick it up' said Sergeant, abrupt like but cool,
But Sam with a shake of his head,
'Seeing as tha' knocked it out of me hand,
P'raps tha'll pick the thing up instead.

'Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket,'
The Sergeant exclaimed with a roar, Sam said
'Tha' knocked it doon, reet! then tha'll pick it oop,
Or it'll stay where it is on't floor

The sound of high words very soon reached the ears,
Of an Officer, Lieutenant Bird,
Who says to the Sergeant, 'Now what's all this ere?'
And the Sergeant told what had occurred.

'Sam, Sam, pick up tha' musket'
Lieutenant exclaimed with some heat,
Sam said, 'He knocked it down reet! Then he'll pick it oop,
Or it stays where it is, at me feet

It caused quite a stir when the Captain arrived,
To find out the cause of the trouble,
And every man there, all except Sam,
Was full of excitement and bubble.

'Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket',
Said Captain for strickness renowned,
Sam said 'He knocked it doon, Reet! so he'll pick it up,
Or it stays where it is on't ground

The same thing occurred when the Major and Colonel,
Both tried to get Sam to see sense,
But when Old Duke 'O Wellington came into view,
Well the excitement was really quite tense.

Up rode the Duke on a loverly white 'orse,
To find out the cause of the bother,
He looked at the musket and then at Old Sam,
And he talked to Old Sam like a brother

'Sam, Sam, pick oop tha' musket'
The Duke said as quiet as could be,
'Sam, Sam pick oop tha' musket,
Coom on lad, just to please me

'Alright Duke,' said Old Sam, 'just for thee I'll oblige,
And to show thee I meant no offence',
So Sam picked it up, Gradely, lad' said the Duke,
'Right-o boys... let battle commence.'

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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Recitations written by Stanley Holloway
From: Monologue John
Date: 15 May 23 - 03:54 PM

'ALT, WHO GOES THERE? By Stanley Holloway

Old Sam first came to London
When George the Fourth were King,
He'd been in th'Army, man and boy
For twenty year come Spring.

The troops were lined up on parade
And Sergeant, says 'Eh, Sam,
T'neet tha' goes on sentry-go
At t'Palace, Buckingham.'

So off goes Sam to Palace gates
His chest puffed out with pride,
With musket on his shoulder
He walks up and down, outside.

A crowd soon thronged around him
And caused a fearful jam -
Some come to look at King and Queen
Some come to look at Sam.

Sam stood there cold and haughty-like
With dignity sublime.
Some asks 'Were you at Waterloo?'
And some asks 'What's the time?'

When suddenly from out of crowd
A chap walks bold and straight,
He crosses right in front of Sam
And tries to open gate.

Old Sam says "Alt! And who goes there?
Who'se thee does tha' suppose?'
The stranger answers 'George the Fourth.
I live in 'ere, tha' knows.'

Old Sam says 'Does think I'm daft?
Don't try to tell me that.
If thou art King - then where's thee Crown?
Tha'rt wearing bowler hat.'

'That's right,' says King. 'That's right enough,
It's strange to thee no doubt,
But Ah put on bowler hat
'Cos it t'were raining when I comes out.'

'Oh well,' said Sam, 'Ah suppose you're right,
I didn't know t'were thee.'
The King says 'No offence, me lad,
Come in for a cup o' tea.'

'I'd like a cup of tea,' said Sam,
Ah don't mind if I do.'
The Queen pours cup of tea and says,
'How many lumps, Sam? Two?'

They chatted there for 'alf an hour
When knock come at the door,
The King be goes
And finds the Duke of Wellington there, for sure.

'Good Afternoon,' says Duke of Wellington,
'Is Sam with thee?'
'Aye, he is an' all,' says King,
'He's having a cup o' tea.'

'Well that's a pretty thing,' says Duke,
'That's pretty, I declare.'
He catches sight of Sam and says,
'Sam, what's thar doing in there?'

Sam comes to door all jumpy like
And red as anything.
'Ah'm doing nothing, Duke,' he cries,
'But having tea with King.'

'Ah thought as there was summut up,'
The Duke coldly replied,
'Because I see thee musket
Leaning against rails outside.'

'Some clumsy chap had knocked it down
It give me quite a scare,
So I stooped down and picked it up
Seeing as thee weren't there.'

'You stooped and picked me musket up?' said Sam,
'W'ell, I declare,
And thee with thy lumbago, too,
I'll bet it made thee swear.

'I'll not wait for second cup,'
said Sam, 'Ah'll come with thee.
So Goodnight both your Majesties,
And long live both your Majesties
And when tha's next in Lancashire...
tha's tea's with me.

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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Recitations written by Stanley Holloway
From: Monologue John
Date: 15 May 23 - 11:42 PM

Stanley Holloway

You've 'eard of young Albert Ramsbottom,
And Mrs. Ramsbottom, and Dad
And the trouble the poor lion went through
Trying to stomach the lad.

Well, after the lion disgorged him
Quite many a day 'ad gone by
But the lion just sat there and brooded
With a far away look in his eye.

The keepers could do nowt wi' lion
He seemed to be suffering pain.
He seemed to be fretting for something
And the curl all went out of his mane.

It looked at its food and ignored it
Just gazed far away into space.
When keepers tried forcible feeding
They got it all back in their face!

And at Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom's
The same kind of thing had begun
And though they tried all sorts of measures
They couldn't rouse Albert, their son.

Now Mr. Ramsbottom got fed up
At trying to please him in vain.
And said, "If you don't start to buck up
I'll take you to lion again!"

Now instead of the lad getting frightened
And starting to quake at the knees,
He seemed to be highly delighted
And shouted, "Oh Dad! If you Please!"

His father thought he had gone potty.
His mother went nearly insane.
But Albert stood firm, and just bellowed,
"I want to see lion again!"

So Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom
Decided the best thing to do
Was to give way to Albert, and take him
Straight-a-way back to the Zoo.

The moment the lion saw Albert
For the first time for weeks it had stirred
It moved the left side of its whiskers
Then lay on its back and just purred.

And before anybody could stop him
Young Albert were stroking his paws.
And whilst the crowd screamed for the keepers
The little lad opened its jaws.

The crowd were completely dumfounded
His mother was out, to the wide,
But they knew, by the bumps and the bulges
That Albert was once more inside.

Then all of sudden, the lion
Stood up and let out a roar
And Albert, all smiling and happy,
Came out, with a thud, on the floor.

The crowd, by this time, were all cheering
And Albert stood there looking grand
With the stick with the horses-head handle
Clutched in his chubby young hand.

The lion grew so fond of Albert,
It couldn't be parted from lad.
And so zoological keepers
Sent round a note to his Dad:

We regret to say lion is worried
And pining for your little man
So sending you lion tomorrow
Arriving in plain covered van.

And if you should go 'round any evening
When Albert has gone off to rest
There's the lion, all tucked up beside him
Asleep, with 'is 'ead on his chest.

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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Recitations written by Stanley Holloway
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 16 May 23 - 02:42 PM

Not wishing to be overly pedantic, but.
Most of the monologues performed by Stanley Holloway have the writing credit for 'Marriott Edgar'.

The cover of one such collection can be viewed Here: Albert, 'Arold and others.

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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Recitations written by Stanley Holloway
From: Monologue John
Date: 19 May 23 - 04:56 PM

Stanley Holloway

Have you heard how young Albert Ramsbottom
Was evacuated from home
With his mother, clean socks and a toothbrush
Some syrup of figs and a comb.

The stick with the 'orses 'ead 'andle
They decided that they'd leave behind
To keep safe with the things they weren't wanting
Like their gasmasks and things of that kind.

Pa saw them off at the station
And shed a few crocodile tears
As he waved them goodbye from the platform,
'Twas the best break he'd had in ten years.

Ma got corner seat for young Albert
Who amused all the rest of the team
By breathing hot breaths on the window
And writing some swear words in steam.

They arrived at last somewhere in England
And straight to their billet were shown
There was one room for mother
But Albert was in a small room of his own.

The very first night in the blackout
Young Albert performed quite a feat
By hanging head first from the window
And shining his torch down the street.

It flashed on an A.R.P. warden
Patrolling with leisurely gait;
"Good Heavens," he said, "it's Tarzan,
I'd better go investigate."

So reading his book of instructions
To make himself doubly sure
Then in an official manner
Proceeded to knock on the door.

It was opened by Mrs Ramsbottom
"Now then," said she, "what's to do."
And in stern air-warden manner, he said
"I'm going to interrogate you."

This fair upset Mrs. Ramsbottom
Her face was a picture to see
"I'll have you know, you'll do nowt of the sort,
I'm a respectable woman." said she.

"Has your son been evacuated?"
Said the A.R.P. man at the door
"He'd all them things done as a baby," said mother
"He's not being done anymore."

"Be off now," said Mrs. Ramsbottom
As she bustled him out of the porch
And the A.R.P. man patted Albert
And then confiscated his torch.

Now that were unlucky for Albert
He had no torch to see him to bed
But being a bright little fellow
He switched on the hall light instead.

"Put out that light," a voice shouted
"Where's the men of our A.R.P.?"
"I've told them already" the warden replied
"They take no bloody notice of me."

Soon, Mrs. Ramsbottom and Albert
Were feeling quite homesick and sad;
So they thanked the landlady most kindly
And prepared to go back home to Dad.

When at last they reached home to Father
They were fed up and had quite enough;
But in the front parlour they found six young women
And Father were doing his stuff.

"Hello Mother," said Mr. Ramsbottom
"Come right on in, don't be afraid,
When you went away I joined Ambulance Corps
I'm instructing the girls in first aid."

"First aid?," said Mrs. Ramsbottom
With a horrible look on her brow.
"If ever you wanted first aid in your life,
By gum, you'll be wanting it now."

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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Recitations written by Stanley Holloway
From: Richard Mellish
Date: 20 May 23 - 03:41 AM

Someone please change "written" to "peformed" in the title of this thread: then it will be accurate whoever wrote them.

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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Recitations written by Stanley Holloway
From: Monologue John
Date: 29 May 23 - 03:27 PM

Stanley Holloway

Number 2-4-6-8
Private Samuel Small
Were up before his Captain
To explain away a brawl.

The Captain said, 'Now state your case,
But please he short and brief,
Tell everything that happened
To the best of your belief.'

'Well now,' said Sam, 'it's like this, 'ere
Me and some other chaps
Had a little celebration
And a drink or two perhaps.

'It happened to be me birthday,
And on counting out I found
I'd got enough out of me pay
To have one apiece all round.

'We drank 'em up, no heeltaps
And then the same again,
'Here's a health unto his Majesty,'
We sang, 'long may he reign.'

'With chorus after chorus
We made the walls resound,
And then to keep things going
We had one each apiece all round.

'It were nearly time for lights out
And getting rather late,
We had no money left for drinks
So we put 'em on the slate.

'Suddenly... out went the lights
Without the slightest warning,
We all trooped out but not without
A bottle for the morning.

'Across the barrack square we went
As bold as any gentry,
It was a lark when in the dark
We come across a sentry.

'Alt, who goes there?' the sentry cried,
We firmly stood our ground.
'It's only Sam,' I cried, 'and we've had
One each apiece all round,

'We've been drinking . . . drinking . . . drinking.'
We got into the barrack room and started to undress,
Just then the Sergeant came along,
Straight from the Sergeants' Mess.

'We shut the door, sat on the floor,
We never made a sound
And to finish off me birthday,
We had one each apiece all round.'

'Well, Private Small,' said Captain,
'I shall have to punish thee
For this grave misdemeanour,
You will get ten days CB.'

'Ten days CB,' said Samuel,
'That's heavy I'll be bound.'
Said Captain, 'Split among your pals,
It's one each apiece all round.

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Subject: RE: Lyr Add: Recitations written by Stanley Holloway
From: Gozz
Date: 29 May 23 - 04:20 PM

You will find a wealth of these Here: -

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