Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 09 Oct 24 - 01:36 PM Idaho, Alaska... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 09 Oct 24 - 10:19 AM My wife is going to the States Where abouts? Alaska Do you not know already? |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 09 Oct 24 - 09:49 AM Where did the new glass go? Nova Scotia! Told by a WashPo reader to Alexandra Petri (To appease the Stolen From The Internet folks) |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 07 Oct 24 - 05:45 AM Two blokes are sitting at the bar. One asks the other why he's looking so miserable. "Well I was watching this porn film when my wife opened the bedroom door..." "So she caught you watching porn! Is that such a big deal?" "No, no! She opened the bedroom door in the film..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Neil D Date: 07 Oct 24 - 02:40 AM These three dogs are sitting in the Vet's waiting room discussing why they are there. The first dog said he had been getting loose and biting the mailman so he was here to be put to sleep. The second dog said he couldn't stop tearing up the trash and furniture. He was also there to be put down. The third dog said "Well, my owner likes to exercise naked and there she was bent over in front of me and I could not resist. I mounted and had my way with her." The first dog asked "so you're here to put to sleep too then?" and he replied "no, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 02 Oct 24 - 07:20 AM She was bent over the freezer in front of me, wearing only a short skirt.I was so turned on, I couldn't resist so I got close to her and did the business. Never doing it like that again as we've been banned from Sainsburys!! |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 30 Sep 24 - 03:50 PM I went to the General store, they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific. - Stephen Wright |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Neil D Date: 30 Sep 24 - 03:17 PM Q. If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make? A. The airplane. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Sep 24 - 05:35 AM Are you channeling Donuel Mr Red? A young woman went into the chemists and asked the pharmacist furtively if they sold extra-large condoms. "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" "No thanks. I'm just going to lurk here until somebody does..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mr Red Date: 28 Sep 24 - 03:10 AM What do you call a room full of drummers? Anything you want THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU What do you call people who decide what is funny and what is not? Not funny, but cue surrogate answers............ hint - there is wit, there is irony, there is humour, there are puns, there is subtlety, there is paronomasia, there is amiguity, there is dichotomy, and there is narcissism |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 23 Sep 24 - 08:09 AM A bloke had just finished a round of golf on his own, and because it had been a hot day he decided to have a shower in the clubhouse before he went home. Unfortunately, he went into the women's changing room by accident and had his shower there without realising. Then, to his horror, he heard three women chatting outside the door of the changing room. It having dawned on him what had happened, he waited and waited - but the ladies weren't going anywhere. He thought to himself, "How am I going to get out of here? All I have is a flimsy little towel and all my clothes are out there in my locker!" After a long wait he decided to just wrap the towel round his head so he couldn't be recognised and make a run for it. So he ran past the three women and and they all looked his naked torso up and down. The first woman said, "Hmm. He definitely isn't my husband..." The second woman said, "Well he doesn't look anything like my husband 'down below' either. Far less well-endowed..." The third woman said, "I can definitely tell you for nothing that he's not even a member of this golf club...." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 23 Sep 24 - 07:07 AM Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps. -sounds like a Stephen Wright. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 23 Sep 24 - 06:30 AM IMHO the two sorts of people are those who divide the world into two sorts of people, and the rest of us. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Sep 24 - 09:13 AM Nah. There are 10 kinds. Those who understand binary and those that don't. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Neil D Date: 22 Sep 24 - 08:00 AM There are three kinds of people, those who can do math and those who can't. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 17 Sep 24 - 04:35 AM OK, two quote completions by Willy Rushton: Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings .... .... and straight down the back of your suit. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle .... .... if you put it through the liquidiser first. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 17 Sep 24 - 01:34 AM A new study finds that 10 out of 9 people are bad at math. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 16 Sep 24 - 01:23 PM From real life: Just this afternoon, Herself and I were walking through the fairground. Since it was was noisier than somewhat, I was attempting to stop my tinnitus getting worse. Herself: You're not singing folk music --- take your finger out of your ear. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 14 Sep 24 - 12:39 PM Mrrzy - :-D |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 14 Sep 24 - 09:11 AM How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot! |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 14 Sep 24 - 07:56 AM I'm reading A book on anti-gravity and I just can't put it down. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 09 Sep 24 - 05:09 AM I enquired about having a vasectomy and was asked if I wanted it done on the NHS or did I want to go private. Apparently, on the NHS, you have to give a semen sample three months after the operation to check that it has been successful. If you go private, a nurse takes it for you. DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 09 Sep 24 - 04:29 AM From the Comments section of an ElReg article about a simple way to make skin transparent:
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 04 Sep 24 - 09:00 AM I really didn't want to go to my appointment at the sperm bank. In the end I just rang them and said I couldn't come... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 03 Sep 24 - 11:34 AM That reminds me: Sometime in the 1960s, I read an article in a colour supplement about the air-sea rescue people. Apparently, on one occasion, a woman was rescued from the foot of a cliff (incoming tide iirc), but managed to leave behind her fur coat. Her husband sent the coastguards a bill for several hundred pounds to cover the cost of the coat's replacement; by return of post came a bill for several thousand quid, marked "call-out fee". |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Neil D Date: 02 Sep 24 - 01:52 PM A woman is walking on the beach with her little boy when a rogue wave crashes in and carries the child out to sea. As she loses sight of him beneath the waves she falls to her knees and looks heavenward and prays. Oh Lord, my baby boy means the whole world to me, if you can you find it in your heart to return him to me I will live a good and selfless life. Miraculously, a giant sea eagle swoops down from on high, dives beneath the waves, grabs the boy in his beak and comes ashore dropping the child gently at the mother's feet. After checking him all over and finding him to be uninjured, she casts her eyes to heaven once more and says...he WAS wearing a hat. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Aug 24 - 08:00 AM A bloke was on his deathbed and said to his wife, "Martha, I need to know from you just one thing before I go. In our 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Well," she said, "I have to be honest. In all those years I've been unfaithful to you just three times." He sighed and said, "Well I suppose that three times in all those years isn't that terrible. Tell me about them." "Well the first time was just after we got married, and we were very hard up. I went to see the bank manager and miraculously he changed his mind about our loan and he gave us a really good deal on a mortgage...?" "Oh," replied the chap. So you made the sacrifice in order to put us on the right path in life. I can forgive that...." "The second time was when you needed that critical heart surgery and we couldn't raise the money to go private. I went to plead with the surgeon and he did the operation free of charge...?" "Oh, so you actually saved my life! I suppose that was well justified. And the third time?" "Well, remember when you were running for president of the golf club and you needed just 73 more votes ...?" |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 23 Aug 24 - 07:03 AM Bloke had a love of tractors since he was a lad. Loved everything about them. Collected pictures of them and eventually owned one himself. Sadly, on his first ride out the tractor went out of control causing lots of damage and he was seriously injured, putting him off tractors for the rest of his life. Some years later he was in a pub that caught fire. Panic ensued as the bar filled with smoke and no one could find the exit. Taking a huge breath he inhaled all the smoke the blew it all out of the window, enabling everyone to make their way safely out. All were very grateful and one guy, amazed at the feat, asked how he did it. "Easy," he replied. "I'm an ex tractor fan" I'll get my coat... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Neil D Date: 19 Aug 24 - 12:19 PM Q. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom? A. Well, a pickpocket snatches watches... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 16 Aug 24 - 05:43 AM My kids treat me like a god. They pretend that I don't exist until they want something. DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Bill D Date: 13 Aug 24 - 02:27 PM A guy is on trial for seducing an underage girl. The prosecutor asks him directly: "Harold, did you in fact have unnatural carnal knowledge of this adolescent?" Harold: "Hunh?" The judge interrupts: "Harold, in case you don't understand technical language, let me rephrase it. "Did you sleep with this girl?" Harold: "Not a wink, your honor!" |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 08 Aug 24 - 08:35 AM A priest, an imam and a rabbit went to a clinic to give blood. The nurse asked the rabbit “What’s your blood type?" The rabbit replied “I think I’m a type O.” |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Neil D Date: 08 Aug 24 - 04:19 AM A preacher, a priest and a rabbit walk into a bar. The bartender says "What'll you have?" and the rabbit says "I don't know, I'm only here because of auto-correct". |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Neil D Date: 07 Aug 24 - 08:34 PM Apologies if these have been previously posted but I didn't want to go back and read the entire thread. Two boys catch a spirit and are each granted a wish. The first youth wants to be the smartest man in the world. Wish granted. The second boy says "Make me smarter than him" so the spirit makes him a woman. A fellow tells his wife "that postman said he has slept with every woman on the street except one". The wife replies "I'll bet it's that snooty bitch at number 12. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 04 Aug 24 - 07:19 AM A woman and baby are in the doctor's surgery, and the doctor is concerned about the baby's weight. "Is he bottle-fed or breastfed?" The woman replies, "Breastfed." The doctor gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts. He pinches her nipples and rubs both breasts for a while, possibly a little longer than necessary ... "No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk." The woman replies, "I know, I'm his granny ... but I'm glad I came!" Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "Oh my! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing?! My gosh, the penis on it was so large!" Whereupon the first old lady replied, "...Yeah, and it was so bloody cold too!" |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 03 Aug 24 - 06:20 AM I have a shirt and neckwear from a member of the Mamas and the Papas….All the sleeves are brown,,,,and the tie is grey. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 03 Aug 24 - 06:19 AM Good one Steve!! I have a shirt and neckwear from a member of the Mamas and the Papas….All the sleeves are brown,,,,and the tie is grey. |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 01 Aug 24 - 10:14 AM An elderly man passed away. He had been a long term member of his local golf club, serving as both vice-captaIn and captain and, for many years, was the oldest player. In all his time there, the 16th had always been his bow-up hole. If he wasn’t in the rough, he was in the trees. He knew each bunker intimately. Easy chips would disappear off the far side of the green. Shorts puts would skim the hole and become long puts. His dying wish was that he be cremated and his ashes poured into the 16th hole. It was a moving ceremony. The club professional, dressed in plus-fours, led the club members up to the 16th green and the club president carried the Challenge Cup, containing the ashes. After a few appropriate words, the members removed their headgear and the president knelt down to pour the contents of the cup into the hole. Just then, a strong gust of wind blew the ashes out-of-bounds. DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 29 Jul 24 - 07:18 AM A man is exploring some caves when he comes across an Aladdin's lamp, sat on a stone. He picks it up, gives it a rub and, out of a green mist, a genie appears. "Master" says the genie. "What is your third and final wish?" "Third and final?" says the man. "I haven't had my first two yet!" "On the contrary" replies the genie. "You were unhappy with your first wish, so your second was to undo it and forget all about it." Realising that it was his last chance, the man gives it some serious thought. At last he says "I want you to make me irresistible to women." The genie holds his arms out, folds them one over the other, and says "Your wish is my command". As the genie is disappearing back into the lamp for the last time, the man hears him say "Funny that. That was your first wish as well!" DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 27 Jul 24 - 06:38 AM A lady tourist in Jerusalem came upon an old Jewish chap at the Wailing Wall and got chatting to him. "So how long have you been coming here?" she asked. "Sixty years. Never missed a single day. I pray here to God for world peace, an end to poverty, an end to lying by politicians, a harmonious coming-together of Israelis and Palestinians, for Ukraine..." "Gosh, what humanity! What dedication! So how do you feel about your decades of prayer for world justice?" "Hmm," he replied, "I might as well have been talking to a bloody brick wall..." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 27 Jul 24 - 03:16 AM > "Hillbilly Algae" "In tyop veritas" meets "spiel chequer". |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Norval Date: 25 Jul 24 - 12:50 AM TV Closed Captioning Un-Intended Humor Donald Trump's VP running mate JD Vance has written a book titled "Hillbilly Elegy" CNN closed captioning service misinterpreted the title and renamed it "Hillbilly Algae" |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 18 Jul 24 - 07:32 AM My ex wife once stood in front of our full length bedroom mirror, naked, and said 'Mike, I have thinning hair, wrinkles on my forehead, crows feet round my eyes, chicken skin on my neck, My boobs are sagging and have stretch marks, my belly has sagged and also has stretch marks. I have cellulite on my thighs and corns on my feet. Can you tell me something good about me'?> I said 'Yes darling, I can. Your eyesight is faultless' |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 17 Jul 24 - 06:01 PM W.. w.. w.. watch out f.. f.. for that d.. dog sh.. T.. too late. You've st.. stood in it. DC |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 17 Jul 24 - 05:37 PM Bloke with a stutter goes in the bookies "I just backed a f... a f... a f..." "You just backed a favourite?" "No, I backed a f... a f... a f..." "You backed a four year old?" "No, I backed a f... a f... a f..." "Oh, I've no time for this. Here's £100. Will that do?" So he takes the £100 and outside he meets his mate. "That bookie is weird. Just gave me £100 for trying to tell him that I had just backed a f... a f... a five ton truck into his car." |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Bill D Date: 17 Jul 24 - 04:00 PM Woman to butcher: "Have you got any kiddlys?" Butcher: "You mean kidneys?" Woman: "That's what I said, diddle I?" |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 16 Jul 24 - 11:49 AM A guy with a speech impediment goes shopping. He first goes into a hardware shop and asks for a fucket. A what? the shop guy asks... A fucket a fucket the man asked. Oh a bucket the shop keeper says...Yeah that's what I said, a fucket. Next he goes into a clock shop and asks for a cock..A what? the owner says... A cock a cock, the guy asks…Oh a clock the shopkeeper says... Yeh a feckin cock, wot I said... Next he goes to a bakers and asks for a bum. A what, you dirty get? the baker says before realising he meant a bun…Then a guy walks up to him and says, Have you got the time mate? The guy with the speech impediment says Yeah. Just hold me bum and fucket while I get me cock out... |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 16 Jul 24 - 08:13 AM What do you get when you cross a wooly mammoth with a popular Calypso singer? Hairy Elephante |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: The Sandman Date: 12 Jul 24 - 02:37 AM Whats the difference between an essex girl and a jumbo jet. a jumbo jet only has one cock pit |
Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: The Sandman Date: 12 Jul 24 - 02:33 AM Essex Boy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with those, sir?" Essex Boy: "Nah.... She ain't that uglY |