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BS: Joke thread for 2024
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 25 Nov 24 - 12:40 PM Reminds me of- What's the difference between a Hoover and a Harley? The position of the dirt bag. (heard that from a biker friend some time ago) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 25 Nov 24 - 11:21 AM I'm buying my wife a bag and matching belt for her birthday. We'll have that hoover fixed in no time! My wife should be on the plane now. Where is she going? Nowhere, she is hanging a new door. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 20 Nov 24 - 06:25 PM What happens when you eat at a combination Chinese-German restaurant? An hour later you are hungry-for power! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 19 Nov 24 - 01:35 PM Dancing with a beautiful young woman in a club on Saturday night. I said 'The dress you're wearing is really beautiful, was it expensive'? She replied 'Well it would have been but I bought it with 30% off. I replied 'If you come back to my place, it will be 100% off' She came with me!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 19 Nov 24 - 10:32 AM "With magic, you can turn a frog into a prince. With science, you can turn a frog into a PhD, and still have the frog you started with." .... I forget which Science of Discworld book that comes from. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 19 Nov 24 - 07:58 AM "Humor can be dissected, as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process", sometimes attributed to E.B. White. Let's stick to the jokes on this thread. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 19 Nov 24 - 06:55 AM .... and would have been a sell-out. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 19 Nov 24 - 04:37 AM This is supposed to be a joke thread but I suppose if anyone want to include discussions on humour, wit or personality disorders, who am I to disagree! Cod psychology gives me a laugh anyway :-D Did you know that if Benny and Bjorn had been named Steve and Dave, ABBA would have been called ASDA... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mr Red Date: 19 Nov 24 - 04:25 AM Are you channeling Donuel Mr Red? - No - channelling narcissists that tell us what is and isn't funny. &/or surrogates thereof. Meanwhile: My GF, in response to a misattribution of a painting, sans precious metals, on "University Challenge" said: "Not all that Klimt's is gold" It is humour of a sort, but you need the references, and the intelligent response is to say "I get it" or "If I had the references, I would smile at that one". Not "ain't funny, I tell 'em better". Or to attempt damning with faint praise invoking "allusion". As someone opined recently somewhere I was reading. "Humour is relative to the individual". Which is "wit" in the time honoured meaning allied to "wisdom". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Bob Hitchcock Date: 18 Nov 24 - 09:09 PM My wife asked me to pass her the lipstick in her purse. I passed a glue stick by mistake. She hasn't spoken to me for 2 days. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Thompson Date: 18 Nov 24 - 02:23 PM Dunno, but I have no idea as to how you get them inside the bulb... At last, a joke in these threads that actually made me laugh! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 18 Nov 24 - 08:21 AM And while we are on a roll... A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on the plane, so they got chatting. "Tell me," asked the priest, "Does your religion still forbid you to eat pork?" "It does indeed," came the reply. "Have you ever lapsed?" "Just the once, I have to confess. I was really hungry and my friend gave me half of his bacon sandwich... But tell me. Does your religion still insist on celibacy?" "It does, but I have to confess that on just the one occasion I succumbed to temptation with a beautiful young woman..." The rabbi leaned across and whispered confidentially in the priest's ear: "Beats the shit out of a bacon sandwich, eh?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 18 Nov 24 - 06:31 AM In case you thought he had forgotten us - got this one from Steve :-) How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb? Dunno, but I have no idea as to how you get them inside the bulb... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 02 Nov 24 - 03:39 PM What did one sagging boob say to the other? We better perk up... ... ... ...before someone thinks we're nuts! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 01 Nov 24 - 08:44 PM Scientists have discovered that people don't eat clocks because it is time consuming. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Neil D Date: 20 Oct 24 - 02:40 AM When this guy was a kid his grandpa told him that if he wanted a long life he should sprinkle a spoonful of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. He started doing as grandpa suggested and he recently passed at the age of 93. He left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 12 great-grandchildren and a 15 foot hole in the wall of the crematorium. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 19 Oct 24 - 01:43 PM Baby seal walks into a bar... what'll you have? ... Anything but a Canadian club! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Bill D Date: 19 Oct 24 - 08:27 AM "Is she Hungary?" "Alaska" "Give her a Canada Chili.' from my father, 70+ years ago |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 18 Oct 24 - 09:51 PM A dustbin man knocks on a a guy’s door, looking for his rubbish / garbage / trash. The guy’s English isn’t great.. He opens the door slightly, with a red, sweaty face. ”Where’s yer bin?” asks the binman. ”Errr… I bin in barfwoom,” responds the bloke. ”No, mate: where’s yer BIN?” he asks again. ”I told you. I BIN in barfwoom..” Getting exasperated, the binman says “Look - WHERE’S YOUR WHEELIE BIN?” The chap’s shoulders slump and, crestfallen, he lowers his head… ”Oh, OK… I wheelie bin having a wank..” |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 09 Oct 24 - 01:36 PM Idaho, Alaska... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 09 Oct 24 - 10:19 AM My wife is going to the States Where abouts? Alaska Do you not know already? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 09 Oct 24 - 09:49 AM Where did the new glass go? Nova Scotia! Told by a WashPo reader to Alexandra Petri (To appease the Stolen From The Internet folks) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 07 Oct 24 - 05:45 AM Two blokes are sitting at the bar. One asks the other why he's looking so miserable. "Well I was watching this porn film when my wife opened the bedroom door..." "So she caught you watching porn! Is that such a big deal?" "No, no! She opened the bedroom door in the film..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Neil D Date: 07 Oct 24 - 02:40 AM These three dogs are sitting in the Vet's waiting room discussing why they are there. The first dog said he had been getting loose and biting the mailman so he was here to be put to sleep. The second dog said he couldn't stop tearing up the trash and furniture. He was also there to be put down. The third dog said "Well, my owner likes to exercise naked and there she was bent over in front of me and I could not resist. I mounted and had my way with her." The first dog asked "so you're here to put to sleep too then?" and he replied "no, I'm just here to get my nails trimmed." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Georgiansilver Date: 02 Oct 24 - 07:20 AM She was bent over the freezer in front of me, wearing only a short skirt.I was so turned on, I couldn't resist so I got close to her and did the business. Never doing it like that again as we've been banned from Sainsburys!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 30 Sep 24 - 03:50 PM I went to the General store, they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific. - Stephen Wright |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Neil D Date: 30 Sep 24 - 03:17 PM Q. If two wrongs don't make a right, what do two rights make? A. The airplane. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Sep 24 - 05:35 AM Are you channeling Donuel Mr Red? A young woman went into the chemists and asked the pharmacist furtively if they sold extra-large condoms. "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?" "No thanks. I'm just going to lurk here until somebody does..." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mr Red Date: 28 Sep 24 - 03:10 AM What do you call a room full of drummers? Anything you want THEY CAN'T HEAR YOU What do you call people who decide what is funny and what is not? Not funny, but cue surrogate answers............ hint - there is wit, there is irony, there is humour, there are puns, there is subtlety, there is paronomasia, there is amiguity, there is dichotomy, and there is narcissism |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 23 Sep 24 - 08:09 AM A bloke had just finished a round of golf on his own, and because it had been a hot day he decided to have a shower in the clubhouse before he went home. Unfortunately, he went into the women's changing room by accident and had his shower there without realising. Then, to his horror, he heard three women chatting outside the door of the changing room. It having dawned on him what had happened, he waited and waited - but the ladies weren't going anywhere. He thought to himself, "How am I going to get out of here? All I have is a flimsy little towel and all my clothes are out there in my locker!" After a long wait he decided to just wrap the towel round his head so he couldn't be recognised and make a run for it. So he ran past the three women and and they all looked his naked torso up and down. The first woman said, "Hmm. He definitely isn't my husband..." The second woman said, "Well he doesn't look anything like my husband 'down below' either. Far less well-endowed..." The third woman said, "I can definitely tell you for nothing that he's not even a member of this golf club...." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 23 Sep 24 - 07:07 AM Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps. -sounds like a Stephen Wright. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 23 Sep 24 - 06:30 AM IMHO the two sorts of people are those who divide the world into two sorts of people, and the rest of us. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 22 Sep 24 - 09:13 AM Nah. There are 10 kinds. Those who understand binary and those that don't. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Neil D Date: 22 Sep 24 - 08:00 AM There are three kinds of people, those who can do math and those who can't. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 17 Sep 24 - 04:35 AM OK, two quote completions by Willy Rushton: Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings .... .... and straight down the back of your suit. It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle .... .... if you put it through the liquidiser first. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 17 Sep 24 - 01:34 AM A new study finds that 10 out of 9 people are bad at math. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 16 Sep 24 - 01:23 PM From real life: Just this afternoon, Herself and I were walking through the fairground. Since it was was noisier than somewhat, I was attempting to stop my tinnitus getting worse. Herself: You're not singing folk music --- take your finger out of your ear. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 14 Sep 24 - 12:39 PM Mrrzy - :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Mrrzy Date: 14 Sep 24 - 09:11 AM How do you titillate an ocelot? Oscillate its tits a lot! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: gillymor Date: 14 Sep 24 - 07:56 AM I'm reading A book on anti-gravity and I just can't put it down. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 09 Sep 24 - 05:09 AM I enquired about having a vasectomy and was asked if I wanted it done on the NHS or did I want to go private. Apparently, on the NHS, you have to give a semen sample three months after the operation to check that it has been successful. If you go private, a nurse takes it for you. DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 09 Sep 24 - 04:29 AM From the Comments section of an ElReg article about a simple way to make skin transparent:
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 04 Sep 24 - 09:00 AM I really didn't want to go to my appointment at the sperm bank. In the end I just rang them and said I couldn't come... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 03 Sep 24 - 11:34 AM That reminds me: Sometime in the 1960s, I read an article in a colour supplement about the air-sea rescue people. Apparently, on one occasion, a woman was rescued from the foot of a cliff (incoming tide iirc), but managed to leave behind her fur coat. Her husband sent the coastguards a bill for several hundred pounds to cover the cost of the coat's replacement; by return of post came a bill for several thousand quid, marked "call-out fee". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Neil D Date: 02 Sep 24 - 01:52 PM A woman is walking on the beach with her little boy when a rogue wave crashes in and carries the child out to sea. As she loses sight of him beneath the waves she falls to her knees and looks heavenward and prays. Oh Lord, my baby boy means the whole world to me, if you can you find it in your heart to return him to me I will live a good and selfless life. Miraculously, a giant sea eagle swoops down from on high, dives beneath the waves, grabs the boy in his beak and comes ashore dropping the child gently at the mother's feet. After checking him all over and finding him to be uninjured, she casts her eyes to heaven once more and says...he WAS wearing a hat. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 28 Aug 24 - 08:00 AM A bloke was on his deathbed and said to his wife, "Martha, I need to know from you just one thing before I go. In our 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Well," she said, "I have to be honest. In all those years I've been unfaithful to you just three times." He sighed and said, "Well I suppose that three times in all those years isn't that terrible. Tell me about them." "Well the first time was just after we got married, and we were very hard up. I went to see the bank manager and miraculously he changed his mind about our loan and he gave us a really good deal on a mortgage...?" "Oh," replied the chap. So you made the sacrifice in order to put us on the right path in life. I can forgive that...." "The second time was when you needed that critical heart surgery and we couldn't raise the money to go private. I went to plead with the surgeon and he did the operation free of charge...?" "Oh, so you actually saved my life! I suppose that was well justified. And the third time?" "Well, remember when you were running for president of the golf club and you needed just 73 more votes ...?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 23 Aug 24 - 07:03 AM Bloke had a love of tractors since he was a lad. Loved everything about them. Collected pictures of them and eventually owned one himself. Sadly, on his first ride out the tractor went out of control causing lots of damage and he was seriously injured, putting him off tractors for the rest of his life. Some years later he was in a pub that caught fire. Panic ensued as the bar filled with smoke and no one could find the exit. Taking a huge breath he inhaled all the smoke the blew it all out of the window, enabling everyone to make their way safely out. All were very grateful and one guy, amazed at the feat, asked how he did it. "Easy," he replied. "I'm an ex tractor fan" I'll get my coat... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Neil D Date: 19 Aug 24 - 12:19 PM Q. What's the difference between a pickpocket and a Peeping Tom? A. Well, a pickpocket snatches watches... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 16 Aug 24 - 05:43 AM My kids treat me like a god. They pretend that I don't exist until they want something. DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024 From: Bill D Date: 13 Aug 24 - 02:27 PM A guy is on trial for seducing an underage girl. The prosecutor asks him directly: "Harold, did you in fact have unnatural carnal knowledge of this adolescent?" Harold: "Hunh?" The judge interrupts: "Harold, in case you don't understand technical language, let me rephrase it. "Did you sleep with this girl?" Harold: "Not a wink, your honor!" |
