BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Apr 24 - 05:21 PM

At least the last but was an attempt at a joke but WTF was the rest of that shite?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 24 - 04:06 PM

Talk about verse? Yes stories are best compared to comedians who recite 20 jokes and their set is done. Observational humor works well over here. I don't have fellow writers to bounce ideas back and forth but I HAVE SOME INTERESTING BRAIN DROPPINGS every year or two.

I live the embarrassment of Larry David without presenting it as entertainment or art. He gets good help though.

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out. As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."
He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Apr 24 - 12:23 PM

We are probably better having that conversation by PM gillymor but I didn't want to just drop a message on you out of the blue. If you want to continue the Steve discussion feel free to drop me a note or we can just agree to disagree now:-)

Meanwhile, from the late, great Tommy Cooper

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Apr 24 - 06:33 AM

btw, Don, your trite observations are the comedic equivalent of WAV's "poetry".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Apr 24 - 05:35 AM

I can't say I follow your reasoning, Dave. Besides, any resistance to Don's rambling nonsense seems to be futile and just encourages him to continue his trollery because he knows it's having it's desired effect.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 10:38 PM

Someday you will die is not entirely true.
You stand an equal chance it might be night.


eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeerm nvcsw
unedited text by my cat


Laughter is the best medicine but it's not covered in Senofou's health plan. (the poor dear is waiting for treatment for gall stones)

Many of you are deliberately putting your health at risk by being over 65 and not taking the newest fad medicine, or by taking them all.

My tax return was deemed suspicious for spending less than I earned.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 06:07 PM

MAYBE this world is another planet's hell.
I think not if we have the truth to tell.
Whenever I hear a preverbal baby laughing
It's hilarious, mysterious, and catching.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 05:39 PM

Maybe that last post explains my actions better than ever I could.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 04:25 PM

My jokes are like fine wine but Dave's jokes age like milk.
Even my exaggerations are better and don't use the word s**t like Dave. Ghost posts from his brother from another mother age like
artificial creamer.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 03:38 PM

I fully understand your point, gillymor. Do you appreciate why I am posting Steve's jokes on his behalf while Don continues posting his shite with apparent impunity?

And I do post my own favourite jokes too

I have an inferiority complex but it's not a very good one...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 01:52 PM

Yes, Dave,this is the B.S. section and posting here is restricted to members. You've been posting for an abusive former member. Wether that is counter to the M.C. rules I don't know. I just find it creepy, as I said earlier. I hope that's clear enough and that we can get back to the jokes and whatever it is that Don does (well, maybe not that last part).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 19 Apr 24 - 12:21 PM

Gillymor - This IS the BS section!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 11:21 AM

That's great, Don but just for a change of pace how about sharing a joke.

A (Grateful) deadhead was walking down the street one day when a pixie pounced on him. "Today is your lucky day!" said the pixie. "I'm gonna give you two wishes. What will the first one be?" The hippie thinks for a moment and then says, "I want a never-ending joint." So the pixie snaps his fingers and there is this king-sized joint. The hippie sparks it up and starts puffing. After five hits the joint is still the same length. Next the pixie says, "...And number two?" The hippie replies, "This is so cool man! Gimme another one!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 10:52 AM

The autocrat has ordered you to shun. The shun shines on he.

I started a joke which started the whole world crying
But I didn't see that the joke was on me oh no
I started to cry which started the whole world laughing
Oh If I'd only seen that the joke was on me
I looked at the skies running my hands over my eyes
And I fell out of bed hurting my head from things that I said
'Till I finally died which started the whole world living
Oh if I'd only seen that the joke was on me

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 09:22 AM

Dave, in case you're unaware you're now acting as a surrogate for an abusive former member in a spat with a current member. There's a reason we have a separate B.S. section. That's all I've got to say on this subject.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 09:10 AM

I'm just cutting and pasting from a named source, gillymor. If I just stop naming my source, like everyone else, is that any better?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 08:49 AM

This is getting creepy. Perhaps we should stick to jokes from real members.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Apr 24 - 08:24 AM

My reply

Splattered doesn't rhyme with bastard...

Maybe

When hot oil spat
He screamed like a twat

Steve's reply

Donuel's Mudcat "jokes" are no fun
Not amusing at all, not one
Can't roll on the floor
Please, Donuel, no more
Or this thread every member must shun

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 07:27 PM

There was an old man from Bude
who frequently cooked in the nude
When hot oil splattered
he screamed like a bastard
and behaved entirely rude.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 06:31 PM

Don't let the door slam, Doug. Talking of which

Teenager: "And another thing - JIM MORRISON SUCKS!"

Dad: "Hey! There'll be no slamming of the Doors in this house!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 05:40 PM

I give up! I'm done with the Joke thread, at least for this year. Maybe I will look back in when it becomes the Joke thread for 2025 to see if people can behave like adults.

Carry on your petty squabbling, kiddywinks.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 02:05 PM

And from the hand of George Bernard...

Oh no, hang on, it may be another Shaw :-D

Donuel attempted a joke
But there is no helping the bloke
His efforts are tasteless
Incredibly baseless
Somebody get him his cloak

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 01:28 PM

A bloke called Don on Mudcat
Just couldn't get where it's at
He failed at some jokes
So he just had some tokes
And all over the forum he shat

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 08:57 AM

That is some lame stuff, Don.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Apr 24 - 08:25 AM

Amazon Tesla and Shell
made a worldwide pussy cartel
with planned obsolescence
and controlled detumescence
Poor men could not get a smell

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Apr 24 - 05:08 AM

The teenage girl arrived home to tell her mother she had been 'graped'. Her mother said 'Don't you mean raped love'? She said no...there was a bunch of them.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 Apr 24 - 03:05 AM

Probably told by Jim Davidson or Bernard Manning, Joe. Along with Irish and Black jokes. I think most of us are an age where we remember them and probably used to indulge but they are best left in the past.

I now prefer chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 10:01 PM

There are, or used to be, jokes based on the notion that women want to be raped. I will give an example if people insist.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 11:14 AM

Jesus wept...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 09:58 AM

Rape jokes? I suppose all is fair in humor since it is the context and not the word's evil meaning. There are odd eggs who think rape is worse than murder. I know people who have recovered from rape, but murder?
There is a rumor that only one ancient Jew managed to recover from murder.

Besides if you try to switch rape and murder/kill it doesn't work. For example, the song Raping me Softly is awkward. Or the movies Rape Bill one and two, or the book To Rape a Mockingbird.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 05:47 AM

Reminds me of the shrink who claimed to be both an analyst and a therapist. You can imagine the portmanteau on his business card.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 03:54 AM

One of my favourites, Doug :-)

Psychotherapist moves into a new office and asks for his profession to be painted on the door so people can find him. The sign writer tries his best but finds it difficult to put such a long word in a small space so he decides to split it up

Psycho
The
Rapist

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 03:32 AM

{{{Sigh}}} ! I used to enjoy the joke threads. I wish people would just ignore the things that they don't find funny.

Getting back on track:-


A guy is hitch hiking but not meeting with much success. Eventually a car pulls up and he jumps in.

"Thanks for picking me up" he said. "Not many people want to give rides theses days. It's understandable, I suppose. I mean, after all, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?"

The driver looked at him and replied "What are the chances of two strangers being the same car and both of them being serial killers?"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 03:26 AM

Don goes to the library and asks for a book by Shakespeare

Certainly sir, which one?

William...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 15 Apr 24 - 03:04 AM

I'll never understand why some people are allowed to shit all over anyone else's threads while others are not allowed to post. I suspect Don either has some sinister hold on the Mudcat or is really Trump. Still, ours is not to reason why...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 06:29 PM

He's here for trolling, not for jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 06:02 PM

Grief, you really don't understand jokes do you ?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 02:34 PM

You poor dear, you see Stormy Daniels is the 'glove'.

In Steve's joke, forensics finding the chemical signature of Melania's lipstick is better science than phoney handwriting experts.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 02:06 PM

Is that supposed to be a joke?

Trump strolls out of the White House one snowy morning to find that someone has written, in piss, "Trump is a bastard" in the snow. Enraged, he orders his security team to investigate.

Later:

"Well, sir, the urine sample matches the DNA of Mike Pence. But that isn't all, sir..."

"Whaddya mean?"

"Well, sir, the handwriting is Melania's..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 02:04 PM

cut and pasted...

The Trump trial will be a first but it is the OPPOSITE in every way to the OJ Simpson trial.

The Trump trial will not be televised.
OJ was televised and watched by millions.
OJ was an athlete, Trump needs a golf cart.
The Trump motorcade is preceded by police vehicles.
OJ's Bronco was followed by police vehicles.
OJ had the best lawyers in the country.
Trump has legal mouthpieces.
The Trump trial involves his dick
The OJ trial involved a knife.
Trump is MAGA white racist.
OJ was so black they redecorated his house 'white' for the trial.
For OJ if it didn't fit you must acquit.
For Trump one size fits all.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 07:37 AM

I think all the jokes on here are C&P'd unless there is an original joke writer amongst us. Don is closest I suppose but while his may be original, they certainly aren't jokes :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 07:13 AM

Just an observation, Dave.

Your joke reminds me of another note found on a wind shield-

"I've just run into your car, people are milling about. They think I'm writing down my contact information. They are wrong."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Apr 24 - 03:32 AM

Is that supposed to be a joke gillymor? It's as bad as one of Don's!

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said ‘Parking Fine.’, so that was nice.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Apr 24 - 10:50 AM

Now the banished Shaw seems to have 2 surrogates acting on his behalf here.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Apr 24 - 08:38 AM

That is an exact cut and paste from my cut and paste to the Trump thread on 10 Apr 24 - 07:14 AM!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Apr 24 - 06:26 AM

Donald Trump and his driver were cruising along a country road one evening when a pig ran in front of the car.

The pig was killed.

The President told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what happened.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in total disarray. He was holding a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and smiling happily.

“What happened?” asked the President.

“Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar, and their beautiful daughter made mad passionate love to me.”

“My God, what did you tell them?” asked the President.

The driver replied: “I just said I was Donald Trump’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”

another Steve

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 05:05 AM

I always called my ex wife 'treasure'.....for two reasons really... the first because when we got together, all my mates asked where had I dug her up....the second...because she had a sunken chest.

When my ex wife asked me for an example of innuendo...I gave her one!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 04:07 AM

I think Steve has been inspired by the stolen Jesus thread :-)

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf. Jesus teed off and hit his ball which went right into the pond. Disgusted, he walked on the water, reached down, grabbed his ball, and went to the next hole. Moses hit his ball which also went right into the pond. He parted the water, grabbed his ball, and went to the next hole. The old man hit his ball right at the pond but, before the ball hit the water, a fish jumped out and caught the ball, and before the fish could fall back in the water a huge eagle swooped down and snatched it out of midair. As the eagle flew over the putting green, it dropped the fish and the ball flew out of the fish's mouth and rolled into the hole.

Jesus looked at the old man and said “Nice going dad. Now can we please stop messing around and just play golf?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 01:18 PM

I was talking to a bloke that said he was a famous pop star in the 80s. I told him that he may be mistaken but he was adamant

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 11:33 AM

Bit of my own. Well, Stephen Fry really but I repeated it :-)

I was taking a stroll through the meadows when I stopped and bent down to inspect a flower

"What are you doing?" asked my friend

"Picking a buttercup" I replied

"Who on earth would leave a buttock lying in a meadow..?"

Now back to the main show...

A bloke is trying to chat up a lovely young woman he's just met in a bar.

"Have you ever seen a penis?" he asked her, ever so subtly.

"A penis? What word is that?? Never heard of it!"

Well come back to my place and I'll show you mine!"

So they go back to his place and he, er, whips out his willy.    "So what do you think?"

"Ah, so that's a penis then!" she replied. "It's just like a dick, but a lot smaller!"