BS: Joke thread for 2024

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Feb 24 - 08:33 AM

A man rushes into the house and calls out to his wife:
"Pack your bags. I've just won the jackpot on the lottery!".

"That's fantastic" says his wife. "Should I pack for the mountains or the coast?".

"I don't care" he replies. "Just pack your bags and go!".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Feb 24 - 08:09 AM

I asked my ex-wife what she would do if I won the lottery.....she replied.' I would take my half and leave you'!!, I said 'Great I won £100, here's your £50 now go!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Feb 24 - 05:31 AM

Couple of seasonal jokes from Steve

Pantomime horse walks into a bar. Barman says, would you like a pint? Horse says, no, two halves please

I used to have a job as the front end of a pantomime horse, but I quit while I was a head.

:-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 24 - 05:41 PM

Some jokes are deeper than others.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Feb 24 - 05:29 PM

Mr Red: That's no joke. Kipling wrote a fine poem on that theme. I'd post it if I knew how to dig it up.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Feb 24 - 09:11 AM

Seen - a placard carrying protester on a video

"Please Jesus, protect me from your followers"

a nice variation on the epithet "Thank God I'm an atheist"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 14 Feb 24 - 08:47 AM

Two psychics meet on the street and one says "your ok how am I".

sorry

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 07:12 PM

Oh, I had totally forgotten this joke!

Two sociologists are walking down the street, and see someone lying in the gutter, bleeding, having been severely assaulted. One sociologist turns to the other and says, whoever did this needs our help!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 05:06 PM

Christmas joke:-

Three men were killed in a car crash on Christmas Eve. They reach the gates of Heaven and St. Peter says if you you can show me something that represents Christmas I will give you free pass.
The first guy pulls a cigarette lighter from his pocket and says "candles". The next one pulls some keys from his pocket, shakes them and says "bells". The last guy is fumbling around in his pockets and finally pulls out a pair of ladies panties and says "these are Carols".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 02:58 PM

Do you like Dickens?

Dunno, I've never been to one

100!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 01:38 PM

Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, "Have you read Marx?" to which the other replies, "Yes, it's these damn wicker chairs."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 01:22 PM

I got dumped at the local petrol station... now I can't drive past without filling up

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 11:37 AM

Well, I suppose it's an attempted joke anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 11:15 AM

.... Melania is relieved :-) ?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Feb 24 - 10:49 AM

Trump has four directions: left right and up and down
Just that on the left, there’s nothing right;
On the right, there’s nothing left...
When he's wrong he goes up in the polls
when he goes down Melania is disgusted

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 10:06 PM

Observation from the late great Fritz Spiegl (misquoted from memory):

English is a terribly directional language. It's better to be in a car which breaks down going at seventy in the fast lane of the M1 than to be in a car which breaks up going at seventy in the fast lane of the M1.

MaJoC's riposte:

On the other hand, it's better to be sent up in front of a capacity crowd by a man in a dress and a strange wig than to be sent down in front of a capacity crowd by a man in a dress and a strange wig.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 05:46 PM

The joke, although sick, was actually a joke. A far cry from the rest of your post, Don. When will you accept that you just don't understand what this thread is about?

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 05:34 PM

Another unfunny dude. Surely you can a less sleazy source to steal from.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 04:51 PM

That was a Ricky Gervais joke. The rest is how you guys act.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 09:21 AM

I didn't think it possible but you're regressing, Don.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 09:16 AM

Sigh...

Subject: RE: BS:Mudcat Joke for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 09:08 AM

What did the paraplegic orphan deaf dumb and blind kid get for Xmas?
...cancer...
Thats not funny.
Sure it is.
How is that funny?
You see the joke is on cancer.
Fuck you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Feb 24 - 11:38 AM

lol

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Feb 24 - 11:04 AM

People who confuse etymology and entomology bug me so much I can't find the words...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Feb 24 - 08:52 AM

Fresh off the block ....

Mondegreen: the hearing equivalent of an optical delusion.

Pun: ditto, with mischief aforethunk.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Feb 24 - 05:01 AM

A facebook post told me that sleeping with your pet can help build your immune system to allergies, can help you to feel more comforted in general life and to bond better with your pet. I can tell you... I tried it.... I almost drowned and ended up swallowing my goldfish

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Feb 24 - 05:29 PM

Three logicians sit down at a bar. The bartender asks "Do all three of you want a beer?"

The first logician says "I don't know"

The second logician says "I don't know"

The third logician says "Yes"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Jan 24 - 04:04 PM

Life's a beach...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jan 24 - 02:27 PM

I meant life, not like.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Bill D
Date: 28 Jan 24 - 06:43 PM

The teacher is conducting vocabulary lessons.

"Today's word is 'frugal'. Does anyone know what it means?"
Silence... "Well, it means 'saving'. Johnny, can you tell up how it can be used?"

Johnny thinks for a minute.. "Um, a famous knight was riding out one day when he saw a maiden being attacked by a dragon!
She saw him and cried out "Frugal me! Frugal me!".. so he killed the dragon and frugaled her, and they lived happily ever after!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Thompson
Date: 28 Jan 24 - 03:30 PM

While we're being biblical, an old, old Dublin joke:

Why did the ten leppers stand afar off?*
To get a good run for the lep.


* Luke 17:11-19

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Jan 24 - 11:03 AM

Stolen from the Comments section of The Register (re salt in tea):

> Most butter in Tibet is rancid

According to my in-depth studies of an old Journal Of Record[1], the supply of Tibetan rancid yak butter has been endangered by the import of modern detergents, as the yaks are no longer rancid.

[1] The Beano

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Jan 24 - 09:21 AM

Like is slow on beaches, Dave!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Jan 24 - 03:29 AM

Ahhhhhh. Just got it. Yes, I am a but slow :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Jan 24 - 02:42 AM

I don't get that one. Sorry Mrrzy :-(

Maybe I'm a bit slow today!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jan 24 - 10:27 PM

Why? Kiki said so!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Jan 24 - 03:18 PM

I just burned my Hawaiian pizza. I should have cooked it on aloha temperature! :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Jan 24 - 08:09 AM

By me too :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Charmion's brother Andrew
Date: 25 Jan 24 - 08:06 AM

Nicked for future use, Georgiansilver.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Jan 24 - 11:04 AM

My wife came home the other night and told me to take off her blouse. Then she told me to take off her skirt. Then she told me never to wear her clothes again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Jan 24 - 08:02 AM

:D:D:D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jan 24 - 06:19 AM

At the time of The Flood it was decided that the koi Carp deserved their own ark so Noah built one with a few levels allowing the Koi to swim freely up and down. It had to be towed behind the main ark on a very long rope. They needed the protection of their ark but also deserved some freedom so the koi would sometimes go off on a little adventure and when they came back they would tell Noah where they'd been and what they'd done.
Noah looked forward to this and day after day there was a new story for him.
This was probably the very first multi-storey carp ark.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Jan 24 - 03:24 PM

Joke thread, Don, JOKE thread!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Jan 24 - 11:08 AM

There is a thread for Trump stuff, Don. What do you think would happen if I started shitting all over that?

Maybe you should read How to write a joke

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jan 24 - 11:00 AM

Another Donuel parody:

After one whole term of being lazy
Like an old man, he's half asleep
Now it seems that he's half crazy
but is as mean as a lying creep
Trump is not a new sensation
He's done pretty well I think
But this half-ton imitation
is circling right down the sink

He's wild again, beguiled again
A simpering, whimpering child again
Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he
He's a lot like villain John Wilkes Booth
He tweets DON'T BELIEVE what our eyes see
Bewitched, he's allergic to the truth

Lost the vote, but so what of it
He is old I agree
He can laugh, and we love it
Although the laugh's on me
Pastors sing to him, folks bring to him
Donations for lawyers that cling to him

Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he
He's a fool and don't I know it
But a fool can have his charms
He's confused and he really shows it
Revenge will be his harm
He's the same old sad sensation
Lately, I've not slept a wink
Since this half-ton imitation
Washed rights right down the sink

He's sinned a lot; I mean a lot
He's like a repeat craven felon
Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he
The fringe loves him, but I CRINGE from him
Some worship the red tie that clings to him
Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he

When he talks, he is seeking
Hatred to get off his chest
with his word salad speaking, he's at his very best
Vexed again, perplexed again
As God, he wants us obsessed again
Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered is he

Wise at last, my eyes at last
Are cutting him down to size at last
Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered no more
Burned a lot, we've learned a lot
And now he thinks he beat Barak,
Bewitched, bothered, and bewildered no more

For all we know he is dyspeptic
Sanity is a real no-go
I hope the election's antiseptic
and he's locked up in Mara Lago
Donald Trump, finis, your chance, finis
Those ants that invaded our House, finis
Bewitched bothered and bewildered no more.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Jan 24 - 10:08 AM

> a copper kettle

Does that make John the patron saint of moonshiners?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Jan 24 - 04:43 AM

The Lord said unto John, "come forth".

But he came fifth and won a copper kettle

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 05:17 PM

OK, here's one for the oldies ....

Noah is leaning on the doorpost of the Ark, glowing with the satisfaction of a job well done: the Ark has grounded, the door is open, the beasts have gone forth, and he's just finished muckin' out their pens. Then he hears an awful racket:

brUmmm brrrRRRRRRRRR *crunch*
brUmmm brrrRRRrrrRRRrrrRRRRRRR *crunch*

What's this? thinks he, and goes to investigate. He follows the noise, and finds a freshly-cut clearing in the forest, in which two snakes are, erm, snake-handling a chainsaw and about to fell another tree.

"What's all this?" says he. "I said 'Go forth and multiply', not 'Go forth and demolish the environment'."

"But we're adders," say the snakes. "If you want us to multiply, we need log tables."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 05:01 PM

Still not getting it, Don? What is it that you don't understand about jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2024
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Jan 24 - 04:29 PM

Um, Greg? Sweat? Tout de suite? Sorry!