BS: Joke thread for 2025

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Apr 25 - 01:05 PM

Even a defective parachute will last you a lifetime.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Apr 25 - 08:40 AM

Not sure what scale that joke was on but it was worthy of note

And one from Steve -

Mother-in-law went to see her daughter-in-law. So she knocked on her door, and, to her shock, the daughter-in-law opened the door and she was stark naked.

Says the mother-in-law, "What are you doing? I could've been anybody! And you open the door and you're stark naked!"

The daughter-in-law said, "Well you see, the thing is, this is my love suit!"

Says the mother-in-law, "Your 'love suit'? Well that's ridiculous! I'm appalled!"

And off she went, but on her way home she thought to herself, "Well maybe that's not too bad an idea after all. Love suit eh? Maybe I'll try that too..."

So later, when her husband got back from work, she opened the door to him, stark naked.

"What the devil do you think you're doing!" He exclaimed.

"Well this is my love suit!" She replied.

He looked her up and down and said, "Well next time you put it on, make sure you've ironed it first!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 12 Apr 25 - 08:19 PM

What musical instrument can be found in the bathroom?

Tuba toothpaste.

I used to teach special needs kids and they loved it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 12 Apr 25 - 08:17 PM

Two Flutes meet on the street and one says "who was that Piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other one says "that was no Piccolo that was my Fife"

Sorry about that.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Apr 25 - 06:24 AM

Good job ferreting out that illicit cartoon, Red. We need a go-getter like you in the JPD.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 Apr 25 - 04:37 AM

Donuel - cartoon -

Is he being judged by his peers?

Subject: Medieval Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 Apr 25 - 04:35 AM

A Tudor joke, (you had to be there)

Landed Gentry to a drunken citizen
Q Gadsooks, sir, you seem unable to stand

Drunkard
A Forsooth, I am able to stand, but it is my feet that can't stand

From a book of similar whimsies.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 Apr 25 - 04:28 AM

There's nothing funny about a limp member when you're in the throes of passion.

Puts you right off your stroke. OK what was your limp excuse?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 25 - 05:52 PM

contempt of court

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 06 Apr 25 - 06:56 AM

North America's Deep South. It's a Sunday and the congregation has gathered. The preacher says "All you sinners who have been a he-in' and a she-in' go and stand in that corner. All who've been a he-in' and a he-in' stand in THAT corner. You who've been a she-in' and a she-in' stand over there".
It leaves one old man still seated and the preacher asks him to stand and take a bow. He says he can't "Why not?" "Ah's been a me-in' and a me-in'!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 04 Apr 25 - 06:36 PM

What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?

The bad marksman can shoot but can't hit.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Apr 25 - 09:43 AM

There was a young man
From Cork who got limericks
And haikus confused

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Apr 25 - 07:44 AM

and, Red, remember it wasn't me who complained about your "hand full of slack" joke. There's nothing funny about a limp member when you're in the throes of passion.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Apr 25 - 07:05 AM

Was your banishment from this thread lifted, Don?
I didn't hear about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Apr 25 - 06:48 AM

By executive order, only all white Pandas will be allowed at the zoo.
The rest will be deported.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Apr 25 - 05:36 AM

They're you are

Subject: RE: BS: Universal Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Apr 25 - 05:35 AM

gillymore

je ne comprends pas - trois fois. So one that will translate and resonate moreso in the US

Q How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A How many can you afford?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Mar 25 - 01:57 PM

I had brunch at a 50's-themed restaurant the other day and they served eggs benedict on a hub cap.
I really enjoyed it, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

-Blame Colin Mochrie for that one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Mar 25 - 04:54 PM

Some people don't understand the difference between your and you're. There stupid.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Mar 25 - 09:59 AM

For you back country hikers and campers-

How do you identity grizzly bear scat?

It's full of bells and smells like pepper spray.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Mar 25 - 04:34 AM

There are no joke police but, as a rule of thumb, if the joke needs to be explained it isn't worth repeating

Yes, I got the slack one and yes it was quire funny but I suspect it may not be transatlantic. Not that it matters really. I don't get some American humour

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Mar 25 - 02:59 PM

the discussion thread, best to answer there lest the joke police complain here.

Subject: RE: BS: Colloquial Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Mar 25 - 02:56 PM

OK maybe this may only work well in certain regions of the UK, let me know if you are confused.

Q What's the difference between a young miner and an old miner?
A A handful of slack

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 26 Mar 25 - 09:53 AM

I thought it was:

Masochist: Hit me, hit me ....
Sadist: *NO*!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Mar 25 - 04:31 AM

Pessimist: This can't get any worse!
Optimist: Yes, it can.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Aethelric
Date: 23 Mar 25 - 05:17 AM

Guy goes into a butchers.
"Steak and kidley pie please"
"You mean steak and kidney"
"That's what I said diddle I"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Mar 25 - 05:24 PM

We went to a fetish restaurant today.

I got toed in the hole

Subject: Old Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Mar 25 - 07:13 PM

I Googled: ‘Missing medieval servant’……it came back: ‘Page not found’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Mar 25 - 03:47 PM

Me and the Mrs found out how to make love back to back



Invite another couple...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Aethelric
Date: 20 Mar 25 - 04:49 AM

Guy goes into ticket office.
"I'd like a return ticket please"
"OK. Where to?"
'Here of course!"

Subject: UK Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Mar 25 - 05:04 AM

So: Musk didn't inherit the polite Canadian gene then?

And one for the older UK 'catters (which is truer than funny) - sorry US I can't see a translation that comes close - but if anyone cares to try...

"The older I dance, the richer I get.
Now I have two ape knees to rub together"

two 'apenees to rub together   <US> a half penny ~ no money </US> (looses a little in the translation?)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Mar 25 - 10:52 AM

and Goebbels has no balls at all...

I rang the leisure centre and asked "Is that my local swimming pool?"

They said "I dunno. Depends where you are ringing from"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Mar 25 - 08:52 AM

I thought you would enjoy that, Herr Goebbels.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Mar 25 - 07:20 AM

Thank you Mr. Himmler, that's a knee-slapper.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 16 Mar 25 - 03:11 PM

It's important to note that though Musk gave the Nazi salute at the inauguration he is not a Nazi, he's a South African. There's a slight difference.

Subject: Satirical Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Mar 25 - 01:54 PM

Apparently Teslas are being recalled because they keep turning far right.

From YouTube comments.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Mar 25 - 12:16 PM

Its getting harder to tell Putin apart from Elmer Fudd and Zelenskyy is the wise cracking Wabbit.

Some jokes kill so I went to my boss’s funeral service …
I knelt next to the coffin and whispered, “Who is thinking outside the box now?”

Where are mathematicians buried?
The Symmetry.

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals.
Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough for the dog's funeral?" The preacher replied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 12 Mar 25 - 11:54 AM

Wtf is that doing on the joke thread. A moderator told you to dump your nonsense in a mother of b.s. thread and stay off this one. Your compliance would be appreciated.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Mar 25 - 11:40 AM

zero for three like America's credibility, economy, and goodwill.
To destroy America, the new Truth Reinvention Administration has had a great deal of success rewriting history, bios, data, budgets, culture, and record-keeping. Uberfeurer Stephen Miller claims it is a vast improvement compared to propaganda minister Goebbles, but everyone knows he's lying.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Mar 25 - 11:23 AM

I know it couldn't be yours, Don. It was vaguely funny

Very poor for Stephen Fry though

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Mar 25 - 08:22 PM

Joke stolen from Stephen Fry

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Mar 25 - 06:34 PM

Elon Musk is not a Nazi. Nazis made really great cars.



Ignore the slander and propaganda.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Mar 25 - 05:12 AM

Not so long ago he was also told to refrain from posting to this thread, Dave, but like a recurring fungal infection...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Mar 25 - 04:22 AM

He's been banned from posting shite on the Trump thread gillymor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Mar 25 - 03:50 AM

Someone mentioned 'Golf' ......so here's a golf joke..          Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Mar 25 - 09:27 PM

and what's Golf of America? Sounds like a putt putt course.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Mar 25 - 09:17 PM

Wouldn't this ...stuff be more at home in the Trump thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Mar 25 - 07:03 PM

The Golf of America may soon face DEI and restriction problems again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke & satire thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Mar 25 - 06:50 PM

I think the Gulf of America is between Elephants and Donkeys

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Mar 25 - 08:17 PM

oi