BS: Joke thread for 2025

Subject: Cosmic Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 May 25 - 03:22 PM

What Copernicus' mother said to Copernicus...
"You think the world revolves around you."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 May 25 - 06:27 PM

The projected Spies' Cookbook with contributions from Julian Assange & Edward Snowden has failed to publish because they both refused to reveal their sauces.
It was a recipe for disaster anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Pappy Fiddle
Date: 01 May 25 - 09:32 PM

A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at a woman there, walked over to her and hugged her. She jumped back and slapped him. He immediately apologized and explained, "I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MudGuard
Date: 01 May 25 - 03:38 PM

Thanks, Dave!
I assumed it was some "Bach" vs "back" thing, but didn't know about the Marlene Dietrich song - so it made no sense to me ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 01 May 25 - 01:23 PM

I can see that, Dave. :')

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 May 25 - 01:12 PM

When I first saw your joke, gillymor, I read it as psychic cartoonist and thought of Don :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 May 25 - 01:03 PM

Play on "see what the boys in the back room will have" which, I think (had to look it up) was from a Marlene Deitrich song

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MudGuard
Date: 01 May 25 - 11:36 AM

could someone please explain HuwG's
"See what the Bach in the boys' room will have."
to a non-native speaker (= me)? I don't get that one.
TIA,
Andreas a/k/a Andy a/k/a MudGuard

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 30 Apr 25 - 08:07 PM

Following on from an earlier comment.

Men, for contraception, try a stone in your shoe.
It makes you limp! ;)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: The Sandman
Date: 30 Apr 25 - 02:02 AM

Why did the hurlers cross the ditch?
A: To get to the other side... and then argue about the best strategy with the guy on the ditch.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 08:37 PM

Don, you were banned from this thread for obvious reasons, show some respect for moderation and post that stuff somewhere else.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 08:31 PM

Christy Noem is a joke even without killing dogs.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 08:01 PM

Did you hear about the psychic contortionist who saw her own end.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 07:50 PM

Don, if you're not on drugs you probably should be.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 07:44 PM

A very disturbed lady took her sick puppy to the Dogtor. He said the puppy had a case of Taggy Rash and needed a cone on his head. The lady said I've heard those called a cone of shame. The dogtor said that's only when the dog has a minor emotional disorder or wound, your puppy has a serious psychological condition that is often cured by seeing less of a mean owner. She said My new job at Homeland Security keeps me so busy I'm seldom home so the maid feeds and walks him.
Excellent, stay away some more.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Raggytash
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 06:30 PM

You really are one sick Puppy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 05:59 PM

A MAGA Trump supporter walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Black man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that diversity Black over there!"

The MAGA turns to the Black smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the MAGA turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Black!"

Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Black grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Black still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the MAGA's direction.

The MAGA turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Black".

The MAGA satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Black smiling broadly at him and waving.

Furiously the MAGA turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Black? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"

The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 01:59 PM

They opened his coffin years after his death and found him lay there crossing out all his scores

He was decomposing

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: HuwG
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 09:29 AM

Did you know thatJohann Sebastian Bach produced not only more than a thousand musical scores, but also twenty children (which may explain why one of his works was unfinished). For one anniversary, they all went to a local wirtshaus.
Johann Sebastian asked "What would everyone like to drink?" Frau Bach replied, "Not in my condition, thanks." The children all asked for lemonade, fruit juice etc. When the landlord totted up, it came to only nineteen drinks. Johann Sebastian asked "Where's young Wilhelm?" "He's in the gents" said someone. "Oh dear" said Johann Sebastian. "Shall we wait for him to come back?"
"I've a better idea" said the landlord. He turned to a waiter and said,

"See what the Bach in the boys' room will have."

That one was from Dennis Norden

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Apr 25 - 01:05 PM

Even a defective parachute will last you a lifetime.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Apr 25 - 08:40 AM

Not sure what scale that joke was on but it was worthy of note

And one from Steve -

Mother-in-law went to see her daughter-in-law. So she knocked on her door, and, to her shock, the daughter-in-law opened the door and she was stark naked.

Says the mother-in-law, "What are you doing? I could've been anybody! And you open the door and you're stark naked!"

The daughter-in-law said, "Well you see, the thing is, this is my love suit!"

Says the mother-in-law, "Your 'love suit'? Well that's ridiculous! I'm appalled!"

And off she went, but on her way home she thought to herself, "Well maybe that's not too bad an idea after all. Love suit eh? Maybe I'll try that too..."

So later, when her husband got back from work, she opened the door to him, stark naked.

"What the devil do you think you're doing!" He exclaimed.

"Well this is my love suit!" She replied.

He looked her up and down and said, "Well next time you put it on, make sure you've ironed it first!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 12 Apr 25 - 08:19 PM

What musical instrument can be found in the bathroom?

Tuba toothpaste.

I used to teach special needs kids and they loved it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Bob Hitchcock
Date: 12 Apr 25 - 08:17 PM

Two Flutes meet on the street and one says "who was that Piccolo I saw you with last night?" The other one says "that was no Piccolo that was my Fife"

Sorry about that.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Apr 25 - 06:24 AM

Good job ferreting out that illicit cartoon, Red. We need a go-getter like you in the JPD.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 Apr 25 - 04:37 AM

Donuel - cartoon -

Is he being judged by his peers?

Subject: Medieval Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 Apr 25 - 04:35 AM

A Tudor joke, (you had to be there)

Landed Gentry to a drunken citizen
Q Gadsooks, sir, you seem unable to stand

Drunkard
A Forsooth, I am able to stand, but it is my feet that can't stand

From a book of similar whimsies.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 Apr 25 - 04:28 AM

There's nothing funny about a limp member when you're in the throes of passion.

Puts you right off your stroke. OK what was your limp excuse?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 25 - 05:52 PM

contempt of court

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 06 Apr 25 - 06:56 AM

North America's Deep South. It's a Sunday and the congregation has gathered. The preacher says "All you sinners who have been a he-in' and a she-in' go and stand in that corner. All who've been a he-in' and a he-in' stand in THAT corner. You who've been a she-in' and a she-in' stand over there".
It leaves one old man still seated and the preacher asks him to stand and take a bow. He says he can't "Why not?" "Ah's been a me-in' and a me-in'!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 04 Apr 25 - 06:36 PM

What's the difference between a bad marksman and a constipated owl?

The bad marksman can shoot but can't hit.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Apr 25 - 09:43 AM

There was a young man
From Cork who got limericks
And haikus confused

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Apr 25 - 07:44 AM

and, Red, remember it wasn't me who complained about your "hand full of slack" joke. There's nothing funny about a limp member when you're in the throes of passion.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Apr 25 - 07:05 AM

Was your banishment from this thread lifted, Don?
I didn't hear about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Apr 25 - 06:48 AM

By executive order, only all white Pandas will be allowed at the zoo.
The rest will be deported.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Apr 25 - 05:36 AM

They're you are

Subject: RE: BS: Universal Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Apr 25 - 05:35 AM

gillymore

je ne comprends pas - trois fois. So one that will translate and resonate moreso in the US

Q How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A How many can you afford?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 31 Mar 25 - 01:57 PM

I had brunch at a 50's-themed restaurant the other day and they served eggs benedict on a hub cap.
I really enjoyed it, there's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

-Blame Colin Mochrie for that one.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Mar 25 - 04:54 PM

Some people don't understand the difference between your and you're. There stupid.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Mar 25 - 09:59 AM

For you back country hikers and campers-

How do you identity grizzly bear scat?

It's full of bells and smells like pepper spray.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 28 Mar 25 - 04:34 AM

There are no joke police but, as a rule of thumb, if the joke needs to be explained it isn't worth repeating

Yes, I got the slack one and yes it was quire funny but I suspect it may not be transatlantic. Not that it matters really. I don't get some American humour

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Mar 25 - 02:59 PM

the discussion thread, best to answer there lest the joke police complain here.

Subject: RE: BS: Colloquial Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Mar 25 - 02:56 PM

OK maybe this may only work well in certain regions of the UK, let me know if you are confused.

Q What's the difference between a young miner and an old miner?
A A handful of slack

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 26 Mar 25 - 09:53 AM

I thought it was:

Masochist: Hit me, hit me ....
Sadist: *NO*!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Mar 25 - 04:31 AM

Pessimist: This can't get any worse!
Optimist: Yes, it can.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Aethelric
Date: 23 Mar 25 - 05:17 AM

Guy goes into a butchers.
"Steak and kidley pie please"
"You mean steak and kidney"
"That's what I said diddle I"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Mar 25 - 05:24 PM

We went to a fetish restaurant today.

I got toed in the hole

Subject: Old Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Mar 25 - 07:13 PM

I Googled: ‘Missing medieval servant’……it came back: ‘Page not found’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Mar 25 - 03:47 PM

Me and the Mrs found out how to make love back to back



Invite another couple...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Aethelric
Date: 20 Mar 25 - 04:49 AM

Guy goes into ticket office.
"I'd like a return ticket please"
"OK. Where to?"
'Here of course!"

Subject: UK Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Mar 25 - 05:04 AM

So: Musk didn't inherit the polite Canadian gene then?

And one for the older UK 'catters (which is truer than funny) - sorry US I can't see a translation that comes close - but if anyone cares to try...

"The older I dance, the richer I get.
Now I have two ape knees to rub together"

two 'apenees to rub together   <US> a half penny ~ no money </US> (looses a little in the translation?)