BS: Joke thread for 2025

Subject: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 01 Jan 25 - 02:03 PM

Happy new year. This is the successor to the 2024 joke thread.

I'll update this thread once I can think of something worth saying.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Jan 25 - 06:35 PM

I fear a lot of gallows humor will be popular this year. From this side of the pond it is difficult to think of anything funny at this point.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Jan 25 - 08:10 PM

How do trees get on the Internet? They log in.

-Mrrzy, feeling thick as two planks

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jan 25 - 05:36 AM

Here's an oldie-

Two flies were perched on a cow pie when fly A broke wind. Fly B says,"Hey, gimme a break, I'm eating here."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 02 Jan 25 - 07:55 AM

another oldie

What sits on the bottom of the ocean & shakes?


answer


A nervous wreck

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 25 - 04:22 PM

Sandra, one of my faves!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 03 Jan 25 - 03:00 AM

it came from a book of kids jokes I read sometime this century (ie. when I was a very grown up person) & I've never forgotten it - it's the only joke I can tell without forgetting bits or fluffing it!

One year our kid's traditional music workshop (6-18yrs) included a joke session & I contributed my joke - naturally it wasn't out of place among their contributions.

sandra

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jan 25 - 07:46 AM

Well, if we are going in the ocean we have to resurrect fish jokes

What does 70mph at the bottom of a lake?

A motorpike and side carp

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Jan 25 - 03:18 PM

I kinda wish these threads were named HUMOR, as many of the submissions are merely puns or riddles...etc.
Real "jokes" are a bit in the minority recently.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jan 25 - 05:53 PM

Agreed, Bill, but as someone said before - Humour is like a frog. Once you start to disect it, it dies.

How about you tell us a 'real' joke?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 25 - 08:35 PM

In a big forest full of secrets and shadows, there was a young couple who loved to explore. This forest was their special place, away from all the noise and busy life. One day, while they were walking deep in the woods, they heard a deep, gruff voice say, "Boy." They looked around, but couldn't find anyone. This mysterious voice made them a little scared but also very curious.

They kept going back to the forest, and every time they did, they would hear the same deep voice say "Boy." They started to think maybe the forest was telling them they would have a baby boy one day. When their first baby came, it was a girl! They laughed and thought, "Maybe the forest spirit got it wrong." But they still loved going back to the forest, and each time they heard the voice say "Boy."

After their second baby girl was born, they really wanted to know what was going on. So, they went to the wise shaman in their village and told him about the voice. The shaman listened and then said with a bit of a laugh, "That's no forest spirit, you fools. Everyone knows it's the wolf who cries ‘boy.’"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Jan 25 - 05:37 AM

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Couldn't! Didn't! Can't!"
"Doctor, what's going on?" asked the concerned father-to-be.
"Don't worry," said the doctor, "those are just contractions."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 04 Jan 25 - 07:33 AM

First from Steve this year :-)

Bloke was chatting to his mate in the pub. "I've just bought these amazing hearing aids. Four grand, latest technology, total state of the art, best in the world!"

"Blimey, that's impressive! Four grand, eh? Where did you buy em?"

"Half past two..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Jan 25 - 03:01 PM

A guy was in Las Vegas, having bad luck at gambling. Finally, he took his last hundred dollars, filled up his car and headed back to California. He got about 20 miles when a little voice in his head..or somewhere....said "Stop the car!"
Startled, he pulled over to the side of the road. "Who is that?" he asked the air. The little voice said, "Turn around, go back to Vegas."
Now he was really nervous. "I can't go there, I just lost most of my money!"
   The voice insisted, "Go BACK to Vegas."
This was too much to resist. He turned around and in 30 minutes, he was back. "Go the the Sands Hotel!", said the little voice.
But that's where I almost went broke!" The little voice said "The Sands!"
   Incredulously, he parked and nervously walked into the casino floor.
"Go to the roulette table!", said the little voice.
He now had this feeling.. so he crowded into the group at the roulette.
"Wait!," said little voice. "Two more spins!"
He waited for two more spins.
"Now," said little voice, "Put your $100 on #23 black!"
Immediately, he followed this specific order.
The croupier spun the wheel, and the ball went round& round and finally settled into..
#18 Red!

"Hmm... how about that", said little voice.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Jan 25 - 05:29 AM

Okay, so I don't know what Armageddon means. It's not the end of the world.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Jan 25 - 08:11 AM

Nice shaggy dog story Bill :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jan 25 - 03:46 PM

Bet I can tell your age! called an old lady at an old gentleman walking by. After a couple of denials, the old man asks, how? The old woman says, come behind these bushes and drop trou, and I'll tell you your age. Intrigued, the old guy agrees.

And does.

Hmmm, not sure, please jump up and down? OK...

87! You're 87!

Amazing! How could you tell?

Silly, I was at your birthday party last week!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 08 Jan 25 - 07:35 AM

My mate sez to me in the pub, "If you could choose anyone famous, alive or dead, to sit here and have a drink and chat with, who would it be?"

" The alive one..."

The doc asked me, "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

"I drink it..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jan 25 - 11:09 AM

The live one, hahaha!

In the spirit of learning that Kipling had lived in Vermont, I will now tell my Vermont joke, acquired while my sister was at Middlebury College.

Two Vermonters decided to go bear hunting in the woods. They get all their gear together, hop into a pickup truck, and head out. As they are nearing the woods, they come to a fork in the road. The signpost said, Bear Left.

So they went home.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Jan 25 - 06:58 AM

A very drunk fellow was staggering home via a very dark alley. He bumped into, er, a lady of the night.

Sez he to her, "How much do you charge for sex?"

"Twenty quid."

"OK!"

So they were getting on with it when a police officer came down the alley and shone his torch on them. "'Ello, 'ello, and what's going on 'ere then?"

"Er, I was just making love to my wife, officer..."

"Ah, I didn't realise she was your wife, sir..."

"Neither did I, officer, until you shone your torch on her face..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Jan 25 - 05:22 AM

What sits on the bottom of the ocean & shakes? Sandra -

Squid Vicious or if you are old enough - Frankie Prawn

OH! Should that have been in music thread?

Since when was a pun not humor?

Of course it is humour. There are people out there who have a different take on humour.................. and absolutism too!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 12 Jan 25 - 06:48 AM

Perhaps we should change the title of this thread to Joke and a Lecture (2 bits).

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Jan 25 - 11:40 AM

Or "joke and carping" - why not? We still haven't excised the culprits.

Now for the joke - or whatever you prefer to call it.

Q) What is a sob sister?

A) A lass who sits on your lap, and bawls, and makes it hard for you.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Jan 25 - 05:29 PM

Jesus steps in to stop the stoning of an adulteress

"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone...


Mother, put that rock down!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Sol
Date: 17 Jan 25 - 07:50 AM

Got thrown out the Greek Mythology class today.
Lecturer: "Which creature was half man, half beast?"
Me: "Buffalo Bill".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Jan 25 - 08:16 AM

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 25 - 03:04 PM

At the marriage counselor's office, a wife was recounting every slight, every loss of intimacy, every argument that her husband started while the husband audibly sighed. After 20 minutes of her disappointments, lack of her own car and communication the counselor stood up, pulled the wife into his embrace, kissed her deeply and punctuated his hug with a grope of her buttocks. The counselor asked the husband ...
"can you do this three times a week?"
The husband said, "I can drop her off on Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays, I golf or go to the pub before the ball game".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Jan 25 - 02:45 PM

A monkey was arrested at the local zoo yesterday for flinging lit feces at his attendants, several of whom were admitted to the hospital for turd debris burns.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Neil D
Date: 22 Jan 25 - 04:55 AM

A couple celebrating their anniversary went back to the bar(pub) where they met. After a couple drinks the wife asked the husband "Do you remember what we did the last time we were here?"
he said "Yeah, We went out back and made love up against a fence." She gives him a sly look and asks "Do you think that fence is still back there?" Only one way to find out. So they sneak round back and sure enough the fence is still there so he drops his drawers and lifts her skirt and backs her up against it. There happened to be a cop sitting in his car up the alley. He's about to go and break up these scofflaws but he is struck by the vigorous, frantic lovemaking, lots of shaking and loud moaning. When they finally break free of each other the cop rushes up and says "That was amazing. how do you explain vitality and physicality of your lovemaking, at your age?" The old boy says "Thirty years ago, that fence wasn't electrified."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Jan 25 - 05:14 AM

In a new study researchers have determined that one out every seven dwarves is Dopey.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Jan 25 - 06:44 AM

Q. Why do frogmen always dive backwards off the boat?

A. Because if they did it the other way round they'd just fall into the boat.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Jan 25 - 05:35 AM

In 2025 two Trump judges bump into each other just outside the courtroom. One is laughing out loud.
‘Hello, judge, what you’re laughing at?’
‘Never mind, I just heard the funniest Trump joke ever!’
‘Tell me!’
‘No, I can’t, I just sentenced a man to ten years for telling it…’

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 23 Jan 25 - 07:20 AM

A man in Wyoming who was completely wrapped in brown paper was arrested yesterday. He was charged with rustling.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Jan 25 - 08:15 AM

That is actually quite funny Don. One of your own?