BS: Joke thread for 2025

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 22 May 25 - 01:59 PM

Leo Tolstoy by Warren Peace

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 May 25 - 01:52 PM

Art and Culture by Phyllis Stein

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 22 May 25 - 12:49 PM

Antlers in the Trees by Who Goosed the Moose.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 22 May 25 - 12:33 PM

Armed Heists by Robin Banks

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Bill D
Date: 22 May 25 - 11:52 AM

"The Yellow Stream" by I.P. Freely

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 May 25 - 11:05 AM

Dentistry by Phil McAvity

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 22 May 25 - 10:34 AM

The Telescope by I C Moore

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 22 May 25 - 10:20 AM

Red Vegetables by B Troot

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 May 25 - 09:02 AM

Botany by Teresa Green

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 22 May 25 - 08:51 AM

Falling Off A Cliff by Eileen Dover

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 22 May 25 - 07:15 AM

Modesty by Ivor Biggen

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 22 May 25 - 07:03 AM

The Joys of Being A Gypsy by Orson Trapp

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 22 May 25 - 06:59 AM

Rusty Bedsprings by I P Knightly

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 May 25 - 06:25 AM

Well if it's books you want....
The Cannibals by Henrietta Mann.
Starvation by Euphemia K Krumm.
Cloakroom Work by Mahatma Koht and Mayum Brela.
Prayer by Neil Down

more to come.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 20 May 25 - 11:18 AM

Book title
"Obesity"

Author
Hugh Jass

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 18 May 25 - 02:21 PM

;-)

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 25 - 11:43 AM

An older man was fitted with the most advanced hearing aids, and at his follow up appointment the audiologist said "Congratulations your hearing tests perfectly. What does your family think? The man said "I haven't told them a thing, but after listening carefully to them at dinner I have changed my will twice.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 May 25 - 06:05 AM

is!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 May 25 - 05:55 AM

Quote from a bagpipe player (last night)

When the bagpipe is in tune, the party in over!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 17 May 25 - 12:48 PM

Still searching for an out-of- print book:

Carpentry For Women by Patty O'Dorrs.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 17 May 25 - 12:00 PM

A fox catches a rabbit for his dinner. He lays it down until he answers a call of nature.
A dog sneakes, grabs the rabbit, runs across the road into an house, puts on its owner's hat and trousers and sits in a chair pretending to read a newspaper.
The fox bursts in and says "Hey, have you seen a dog?!" and the dog says "Do you mean the one who stole a rabbit?" and the fox said "F...... hell, is it in the paper already?!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Aethelric
Date: 17 May 25 - 09:02 AM

“Grandad, tell us about the times when you were a pirate. How did you get your wooden leg.”

“Arr, that were when we taking a merchantman, she only had one cannon, and she only managed to fire once and that cannon ball, took the bottom part of me leg clean off.”
“
Gosh, and how did you get the hook for a hand.”

“Arr, it were a cutless fight with a navy ship who tried to board us. I was about to finish one of them off when another came from the side and cut off me hand with the cutless. But I got him with me pistol with my left hand, then I knocked the first one unconscious with the pistol and kicked him overboard.”

“And how did you lose your eye?”

“Arr, I were looking up when a seagull shit in it.”

“I didn’t know seagull poop was that dangerous”

“Arr, that were the day after I got me hook.”

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 17 May 25 - 08:36 AM

A promoter advertised a concert featuring the "World's Tallest Piano Player" but when the musician took the stage he was obviously less than 6 feet tall.
Just another instance of a guy lying about the size of his pianist.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Raggytash
Date: 17 May 25 - 08:02 AM

Back in Belle Vue Zoo two snakes are sitting in a vivarium.

One snake says are we the type of snake who wrap ourselves around our victims and crush them or are we the type of snake who bite our victims and inject them with venom.

Don't know says the other snake, why do you ask.

I've just bit me tongue says the first.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: HuwG
Date: 16 May 25 - 09:17 PM

OK, let's try another long and obscure one...

When Clint Eastwood was electedmayorof Carmel, he invited many of his showbusiness and media friends to a celebration. One of them was Roy Rodgers, who checked into a hotel in the town. Roy was wearing a pair of brand new cowboy boots, which he left outside his room for the hotel staff to clean. For some reason, the hotel cat took exception to the boots, and clawed and chewed them to shreds.

Roy was incensed. He called up Clint, and when he arrived, showed him the ruined boots. "Look at what the darned hotel cat did to my band new boots" he complained. Clint narrowed his eyes and said "Wait there, while I go collect a posse."

A few minutes later, Clint returns, holding by the scruff of its neck a spitting, gouging and very cross cat. Clint takes it to Roy and says

"Pardon me Roy. Is this the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 16 May 25 - 02:22 PM

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for four years.

I thought it would be rude to interrupt her.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Raggytash
Date: 16 May 25 - 01:41 PM

One from my youth Dave.


Two lions having just escaped from Belle Vue Zoo were walking down Market Street in Manchester. One says to t'other "it's quiet for a Saturday isn't it"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 16 May 25 - 09:15 AM

We always referred to Copernicus as copper knickers

Kids humour is the best :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 15 May 25 - 08:31 PM

It was raining cats and dogs this afternoon, I stepped into a poodle.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 13 May 25 - 02:19 PM

When I was a child I had a globe.

It meant the world to me.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Aethelric
Date: 13 May 25 - 02:12 PM

I'm sorry sir, you can't come in here.

But I'm Donald Trump, President of the USA!

Yes sir, but are you a member?

Yes, I'm a country member.

Oh yes, I remember.

Subject: Cosmic Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 11 May 25 - 03:22 PM

What Copernicus' mother said to Copernicus...
"You think the world revolves around you."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 May 25 - 06:27 PM

The projected Spies' Cookbook with contributions from Julian Assange & Edward Snowden has failed to publish because they both refused to reveal their sauces.
It was a recipe for disaster anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Pappy Fiddle
Date: 01 May 25 - 09:32 PM

A drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at a woman there, walked over to her and hugged her. She jumped back and slapped him. He immediately apologized and explained, "I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny, he muttered, you even sound exactly like her."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MudGuard
Date: 01 May 25 - 03:38 PM

Thanks, Dave!
I assumed it was some "Bach" vs "back" thing, but didn't know about the Marlene Dietrich song - so it made no sense to me ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 01 May 25 - 01:23 PM

I can see that, Dave. :')

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 May 25 - 01:12 PM

When I first saw your joke, gillymor, I read it as psychic cartoonist and thought of Don :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 May 25 - 01:03 PM

Play on "see what the boys in the back room will have" which, I think (had to look it up) was from a Marlene Deitrich song

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MudGuard
Date: 01 May 25 - 11:36 AM

could someone please explain HuwG's
"See what the Bach in the boys' room will have."
to a non-native speaker (= me)? I don't get that one.
TIA,
Andreas a/k/a Andy a/k/a MudGuard

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 30 Apr 25 - 08:07 PM

Following on from an earlier comment.

Men, for contraception, try a stone in your shoe.
It makes you limp! ;)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: The Sandman
Date: 30 Apr 25 - 02:02 AM

Why did the hurlers cross the ditch?
A: To get to the other side... and then argue about the best strategy with the guy on the ditch.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 08:37 PM

Don, you were banned from this thread for obvious reasons, show some respect for moderation and post that stuff somewhere else.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 08:31 PM

Christy Noem is a joke even without killing dogs.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 08:01 PM

Did you hear about the psychic contortionist who saw her own end.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 07:50 PM

Don, if you're not on drugs you probably should be.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 07:44 PM

A very disturbed lady took her sick puppy to the Dogtor. He said the puppy had a case of Taggy Rash and needed a cone on his head. The lady said I've heard those called a cone of shame. The dogtor said that's only when the dog has a minor emotional disorder or wound, your puppy has a serious psychological condition that is often cured by seeing less of a mean owner. She said My new job at Homeland Security keeps me so busy I'm seldom home so the maid feeds and walks him.
Excellent, stay away some more.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Raggytash
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 06:30 PM

You really are one sick Puppy.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 05:59 PM

A MAGA Trump supporter walks into a bar

He goes up to the bartender and looks around seeing an older Black man sitting in a corner. He turns to the bartender and announces loudly: "A round of beer for everyone except that diversity Black over there!"

The MAGA turns to the Black smiling nastily and is surprised to see him smiling warmly back. Somewhat miffed the MAGA turns back to the bartender and says "A round of your sweetest wine for everyone here except that Black!"

Once again while everyone is cheering he turns back to the Black grinning evilly but is shocked to see the Black still smiling warmly and even inclined his head in the MAGA's direction.

The MAGA turns to bartender and says as loud as he could through gritted teeth "A bottle of your most expensive drink for everyone in this bar except for that Black".

The MAGA satisfied turns around chuckling to himself and freezes gobsmacked seeing the Black smiling broadly at him and waving.

Furiously the MAGA turns back to the bartender and says "What the hell is wrong with that Black? Is he crazy or just plain stupid?"

The bartender replies "Neither. He's the owner of the bar."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 01:59 PM

They opened his coffin years after his death and found him lay there crossing out all his scores

He was decomposing

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: HuwG
Date: 29 Apr 25 - 09:29 AM

Did you know thatJohann Sebastian Bach produced not only more than a thousand musical scores, but also twenty children (which may explain why one of his works was unfinished). For one anniversary, they all went to a local wirtshaus.
Johann Sebastian asked "What would everyone like to drink?" Frau Bach replied, "Not in my condition, thanks." The children all asked for lemonade, fruit juice etc. When the landlord totted up, it came to only nineteen drinks. Johann Sebastian asked "Where's young Wilhelm?" "He's in the gents" said someone. "Oh dear" said Johann Sebastian. "Shall we wait for him to come back?"
"I've a better idea" said the landlord. He turned to a waiter and said,

"See what the Bach in the boys' room will have."

That one was from Dennis Norden