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BS: Joke thread for 2025
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 08 Dec 25 - 04:33 AM Can't remember hearing this one before:
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Subject: RE: tie a yellow ribbon From: Donuel Date: 05 Dec 25 - 06:26 AM Tap thee times for clinical depression. Once on the pipe, if you just want to fight. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 04 Dec 25 - 09:50 AM Swiped from ElReg comments:
.... Was there not a song about this? sigh: now I've got "press Two to get despair" running around in my head in hobnail boots. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 04 Dec 25 - 07:43 AM Why does Raggedy Anne wear a scarlet letter A? Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's nose saying, "Lie to me, lie to me!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 03 Dec 25 - 09:24 AM Having been married a few times, I started to realise that there is one special type of food that makes a woman slowly lose her sex drive.....It's called ........wedding cake. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 26 Nov 25 - 08:40 AM Billed in ElReg comments as a "very old joke":
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 25 Nov 25 - 04:53 PM I love kids. In my spare time I’m a clown and I do kid’s parties. I call myself Budum Budum Why? Because thats the noise kids make. Well they do when you run over them in a Volvo. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 25 Nov 25 - 03:27 PM Kids and corporations are alike. They literally can't wait for Christmas, they profit enormously and then lay off jobs. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 25 Nov 25 - 08:12 AM A guy, feeling his age, goes to the doc and says "if I press my finger to my forehead, it hurts, if it is shoulder it hurts, poke my knee it hurts" The doctor says "Hm..... Clear case of broken finger" Jay Leno, 2025 |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 20 Nov 25 - 04:30 AM As a UK resident Donuel, I have considered your humour as non existent....I'm so sorry if I have misjudged it!!! As you say, it must be the greatest divide!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash Date: 19 Nov 25 - 05:06 PM No Donuel, Utter nonsense. Fifty odd years ago myself and many friends bought Mad Magazine and thought it was brilliant and still do. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 19 Nov 25 - 04:35 PM The greatest divide between American humor and other countries is probably due to the satirical Mad Magazine. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 19 Nov 25 - 02:29 PM Imade my campsite next to the precinct and the cops arrested me for loitering within tent. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 19 Nov 25 - 11:33 AM While we are on lexicographical humour. Did you know you can't run through a campground? You can only ran, because it's past tents. I am sure there is a lot more scope with tentative jokes. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 14 Nov 25 - 01:32 PM Ernie, in his eighties, was admitted to a care home some years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, so when his ninetieth Birthday came along, the staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippagram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. A Senior staff member, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door of the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked 'What do you want'?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied 'I've come to give you Suuupersexxxxx'!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied ' I think I'll have the soup'. Michael J Hill Feb 1998. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: BobL Date: 12 Nov 25 - 03:33 AM I once knew a girl called Simile - dunno what I met her for. Th old ones are still the best... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 11 Nov 25 - 05:44 PM "I call my girlfriend Apostrophe ............. she is so possessive". (Frankie Howard 1973) Who of course couldn't possibly be funny, now could he? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 11 Nov 25 - 12:01 PM I've given up on the "jokes" I'm afraid. As someone said, it is all subjective and I am not prepared to subject myself to any more! Hopefully someone will start a new one for 2026 but it will not be me. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 11 Nov 25 - 06:03 AM Donuel Have you ever asked your GF how she manages to e-mail the Dyslexia Society? Oh! That DUI, she wasn't texting "you" while driving was she? :) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 09 Nov 25 - 11:20 AM Editorial remarks are the least funny of all. Parents used to teach their young, 'if you don't have something good to say don't say anything' at all. Of course, hearing what you don't get or find humorous by text is on the ridiculous side. My girlfriend told me she was on birth control, but it wasn’t true. Turns out she’s dyslexic and got a DUI. Germans don't need birth control. Instead, they have a repellent sense of humor. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 09 Nov 25 - 10:42 AM At last I have found a dating site for people of my age.......It's called 'Carbon Dating' |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Raggytash Date: 06 Nov 25 - 05:02 PM Keep them coming Doug |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: The Sandman Date: 06 Nov 25 - 09:40 AM humour is subjective , i do not find [DC] your post at all funny. it is rather sad, not a joke at all |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 06 Nov 25 - 05:39 AM A husband and wife, both teachers, lived in house facing a bank on the opposite side of the road. One day, as they were arriving home from work, they witnessed an attempted armed robbery taking place outside the bank. The quick thinking security van driver put the van into gear and drove away, leaving the frustrated would-be robbers to make a dash to their get-away car and speed off, empty handed, in the opposite direction. After it was all over, the couple saw a bag lying on the floor where the security van had been. They picked it up and peeked inside. It was full of money. It must have fallen from the van when it drove off with its side door open. They took it inside the house and counted the cash. It came to £5,000. "We'll have to take it to the police station to hand it in" said the husband. "No we won't" replied his wife "Finders keepers!" "But that would be dishonest" he said. "The insurance company will sort the bank out. They will just assume that the robbers took it. It's about time a bit of good fortune came our way. I'm going to hide it in the attic. If we spend it bit by bit, nobody will be any the wiser". "Well I don't approve. I don't approve at all". The next day, the police were going from house to house, asking the locals if they had seen anything that could be useful to the investigation. When they knocked on the couple's door, she said "No, I didn't see anything. I was in the back garden at the time. I like keep myself to myself". Just then her husband shouts from living room, "DON'T BELIEVE HER! She's got £5,000 hidden in the attic". "Don't pay any attention my husband" says the woman in an anxious tone. "He's going senile!" "Even so madam, I think we need to talk to him" said the policeman. "Now then sir, what can you tell us about yesterday?" "Well, Jane and I were walking home from school ..." "Thank you madam" interrupts the policeman, "We've got a lot of doors to knock on. I'll leave you to look after your husband". DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 03 Nov 25 - 08:37 AM A couple lived on a remote farm. One winter's night there was a particularly heavy snowfall, so much so that the woman was unable to make it home. When she arrived the next morning, she told her husband that she had stayed at friend's house. Suspicious, he phoned round her ten best friends and one of them did, in fact, confitm that she had stayed over. The next winter. It was the husband's turn to get stranded and claimed to have stayed over with one of his drinking buddies. When his wife phoned round his ten best friends, six of them confirmed that he stayed with them and two reckoned that he was still there. DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 03 Nov 25 - 04:09 AM Did you hear about the bloke who was told his jokes were crap? He saw red and attacked his critics... Methinks the laddie doth protest too much. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 02 Nov 25 - 10:01 AM Sorry Doug but that is an actual joke... :-D |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Doug Chadwick Date: 02 Nov 25 - 08:58 AM A deaf and dumb accountant was working for a Mafia family. When it was realised that large amounts of money were missing, the Don sent some heavies round to to the accountant’s appartment with a sign language interpreter. “Ask him where the money is” says one of the mobsters. The interpreter signs the question and the accountant signs back: “What money?” “The Don’s account is down by 10 G’s. We know he took the money. Ask him again!” The interpreter duly signs the question and gets back the reply “Honest, I don’t know what you are talking about”. The mobster draws a gun and says “Tell him he’s got one minute ro come up with the dough or I’ll blow his brains out”. This time, the accountant signs back “OK, OK! It’s under the floor boards in the next room. Please don’t kill me”. “What did he say?” asks the mobster. The interpreter replies “He says you can go and **** yourself”. DC |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 31 Oct 25 - 04:15 PM There will never be anything as beautiful as a... heckler critic with his head up his ass. or a tree. The kindest and most empathetic treatment of the critic is here. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 31 Oct 25 - 04:59 AM Did you hear about the bloke who was told his jokes were crap? He saw red and attacked his critics... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 30 Oct 25 - 02:44 PM A misanthrope, a narcissist and a joke policeman went into a pub. The barman said to him "That's just not funny" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 30 Oct 25 - 10:50 AM I thought it was: Two sorts of people: those who divide the world into two sorts of people, and the rest of us. .... but what I really came here to quote (from guess where) was:
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Date: 30 Oct 25 - 09:37 AM Did you hear about the polar bear that came up from a hole in the ice and said "radio"? No.. well, what about the polar bear who was taking a shower and called to his wife, "Please hand me the soap"? She replied, "No soap, honey... radio!" Still not sure? Then think about the polar bear who was driving his sports car when he was stopped by the police. The policeman said, "Okay, let's see your license!" He replied, "Polar bears don't have driving licenses, but I have a radio!" If you still don't get it, tell these to some friends..... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 30 Oct 25 - 03:56 AM Seeing as jokes now seem to be anything that the teller finds vaguely amusing... What do you call a penguin with a wooden leg? Albert Comedy store here I come :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 29 Oct 25 - 03:12 PM There are two sorts of people in the world. those taht divide the world into two sorts of people, and those ............................. that don't |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MudGuard Date: 29 Oct 25 - 12:28 PM There are 10 kinds of persons - those that understand binary numbers, and the others. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Aethelric Date: 29 Oct 25 - 11:29 AM I don't suppose any of you useless pathetic tossers have any ideas why I just can't seem to get on with people? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: MaJoC the Filk Date: 29 Oct 25 - 11:19 AM One for the mathematicians in our midst:
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 29 Oct 25 - 08:24 AM I was going to joke about construction, but I’m still working on it. I was going to joke about time travel, but time ran out. I was going to joke about electricity, but it was shocking. I was going to joke about pizza, but it was too cheesy. I was going to joke about chemistry, but I didn’t get a reaction. I was going to joke about stairs, but it was a step down. I was going to joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell you later. I was going to joke about paper, but it was tearable. I was going to joke about infinity, but it never ends. I was going to a joke about an elevator, but it let me down. I was going to make a joke about gardening, but I drought its funny.. I was going to joke about math, but it didn’t add up. You should write the official rules of the joke, pass a law and convict perpetrators who break your rules. Author itarians love that shit. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 29 Oct 25 - 04:27 AM I know, Bill. It's a joke... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Bill D Date: 28 Oct 25 - 11:57 AM "joke" has become a catch word for any vaguely humorous utterance.. Puns, riddles, limericks...etc. Even actual attempts at relating real jokes are often trite and lame with silly premises, edited references and awkward punch lines. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Dave the Gnome Date: 27 Oct 25 - 04:57 PM I must be getting old. I can remember when this was a joke thread |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 27 Oct 25 - 01:57 PM This Halloween will be without cheap Chinese products, but the Trump zombies will search to fire the remaining brains, witches will fly off their broom handles, and ghouls without costumes will get whole brain bread because of the high price of chocolate. "There's a maniac living in our neighborhood. He goes house-to-house leaving severed body parts on the doorstep. He gives me the willies." Why is the pedophile's favorite holiday Halloween? Free delivery. What do rednecks do for Halloween? Pump-kin Why did the witch divorce the warlock? Because he had a hollow weenie. Why don’t witches wear panties? Better grip on the broom |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 27 Oct 25 - 08:22 AM I just came across a suggestion for an addition to the game of chess. A piece called the executive. It can move in any direction to any square. I can't be taken or take, it just "gets in the way". |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 24 Oct 25 - 02:53 AM Pomme d'terre merde? Hold the gravy............... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Georgiansilver Date: 23 Oct 25 - 10:47 AM The new manageress arrived at the Care Home. She called a meeting of all staff and residents and told them that male resident rooms are out of bounds for female residents and vice versa. Anyone caught breaking this rule would be fined $10 the first time, $20 the second time and $50 the third time…….. An eighty two year old lady stood up and demanded ‘’So how much is a season ticket’’?? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 23 Oct 25 - 05:13 AM On a crisp October evening, our family was roasting marshmallows and making S'mores when we heard a commotion. The house across the street was on fire! We all ran over to the house and saw our neighbors had rescued their dogs as flames grew high. The neighbor's wife looked up amid the sirens in the distance and sobbed 'How could you?" starring right at us. We looked down and saw we all had marshmallows on a stick. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 04 Oct 25 - 08:01 AM In the movie Martian, poop fertilized potatoes was the main course. Yum. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Donuel Date: 03 Oct 25 - 06:52 AM Pomme d'terre merde? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025 From: Mr Red Date: 03 Oct 25 - 03:46 AM "most creative serial killer" Grain of truth there. just a "rye" thought but what will they grow & eat when they get there? |
