BS: Joke thread for 2025

Subject: UK Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Mar 25 - 05:04 AM

So: Musk didn't inherit the polite Canadian gene then?

And one for the older UK 'catters (which is truer than funny) - sorry US I can't see a translation that comes close - but if anyone cares to try...

"The older I dance, the richer I get.
Now I have two ape knees to rub together"

two 'apenees to rub together   <US> a half penny ~ no money </US> (looses a little in the translation?)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Mar 25 - 10:52 AM

and Goebbels has no balls at all...

I rang the leisure centre and asked "Is that my local swimming pool?"

They said "I dunno. Depends where you are ringing from"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Mar 25 - 08:52 AM

I thought you would enjoy that, Herr Goebbels.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Mar 25 - 07:20 AM

Thank you Mr. Himmler, that's a knee-slapper.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 16 Mar 25 - 03:11 PM

It's important to note that though Musk gave the Nazi salute at the inauguration he is not a Nazi, he's a South African. There's a slight difference.

Subject: Satirical Joke thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Mar 25 - 01:54 PM

Apparently Teslas are being recalled because they keep turning far right.

From YouTube comments.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Mar 25 - 12:16 PM

Its getting harder to tell Putin apart from Elmer Fudd and Zelenskyy is the wise cracking Wabbit.

Some jokes kill so I went to my boss’s funeral service …
I knelt next to the coffin and whispered, “Who is thinking outside the box now?”

Where are mathematicians buried?
The Symmetry.

When Paddy's dog died, he took it to the local Catholic church. He asked the preacher if he could have a funeral service for his much loved pet, but the preacher explained that they didn't do services like that for animals.
Paddy asked who would and the preacher suggested that the Baptist church up the road would probably give the dog a funeral service. Paddy asked, "Preacher, do you think $5,000 would be enough for the dog's funeral?" The preacher replied, "Dearest Paddy, why didn't you tell me that your dog was a Catholic?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 12 Mar 25 - 11:54 AM

Wtf is that doing on the joke thread. A moderator told you to dump your nonsense in a mother of b.s. thread and stay off this one. Your compliance would be appreciated.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Mar 25 - 11:40 AM

zero for three like America's credibility, economy, and goodwill.
To destroy America, the new Truth Reinvention Administration has had a great deal of success rewriting history, bios, data, budgets, culture, and record-keeping. Uberfeurer Stephen Miller claims it is a vast improvement compared to propaganda minister Goebbles, but everyone knows he's lying.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 12 Mar 25 - 11:23 AM

I know it couldn't be yours, Don. It was vaguely funny

Very poor for Stephen Fry though

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Mar 25 - 08:22 PM

Joke stolen from Stephen Fry

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Mar 25 - 06:34 PM

Elon Musk is not a Nazi. Nazis made really great cars.



Ignore the slander and propaganda.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 11 Mar 25 - 05:12 AM

Not so long ago he was also told to refrain from posting to this thread, Dave, but like a recurring fungal infection...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 11 Mar 25 - 04:22 AM

He's been banned from posting shite on the Trump thread gillymor.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Mar 25 - 03:50 AM

Someone mentioned 'Golf' ......so here's a golf joke..          Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Mar 25 - 09:27 PM

and what's Golf of America? Sounds like a putt putt course.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Mar 25 - 09:17 PM

Wouldn't this ...stuff be more at home in the Trump thread.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Mar 25 - 07:03 PM

The Golf of America may soon face DEI and restriction problems again.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke & satire thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Mar 25 - 06:50 PM

I think the Gulf of America is between Elephants and Donkeys

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Mar 25 - 08:17 PM

oi

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Mar 25 - 07:56 PM

"Honey, whats this baggie behind the empty egg carton in the fridge?".
Oh, that's from the White House that we got in the mail.
" What are we supposed to do with it?"
It said to refrigerate it before use, smell it.
"It smells like shit...uh...Honey, whats this baggie behind the empty egg carton in the fridge?".

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Bill D
Date: 06 Mar 25 - 03:53 PM

Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says, "you're fine how am I?"

Two psychiatrists meet on the street. One says "Hi there, how's it going?" The other thinks, "Wonder what he meant by that?"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 05 Mar 25 - 11:56 AM

Two philosophers on their holidays were sitting by the pool.

Sez one: "Have you read Marx?"

"Yeah," sez the other, "It's these bloody wicker chairs..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 04 Mar 25 - 05:42 PM

Just seen this:

What's the leading cause of dry skin?












Towels.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Mar 25 - 09:00 AM

Reaching the 100 point reminded of the darts match

Player throws a double 20 followed by another. His third darts though bounces off the wire and hits a nun seated close by in the temple, causing her to drop dead on the spot. The announcer calls

"One nun dead and 80..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 01 Mar 25 - 07:54 AM

Q: Is tripe kosher?

AI: It depends on the religion of your cow.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 28 Feb 25 - 04:16 PM

lol gillymor

Fred

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 26 Feb 25 - 08:12 PM

A new study reveals that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who comment on it.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 26 Feb 25 - 04:04 PM

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a bird. The lady owner says "Sorry, sir, we don't sell birds" and the man says "Well that's funny cos I've been told you've had a cockatoo!"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 26 Feb 25 - 03:27 PM

Lol, Bill.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 26 Feb 25 - 01:41 PM

Thanks, Bill D; that's the best and most enlightening thing I've read all day. Much mirth ensued when I showed it to Herself just now.

--- Oops: just looked at my original notes, and my contribution above should have involved "a stunt dinosaur on a motorbike". Silly me. Now to try the corrected version on the grandchildren ....

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 26 Feb 25 - 12:24 PM

Can you guys get me a copy of The Flying Machine by L.E.Copter?

:)

Fred

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Feb 25 - 08:57 AM

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.'

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said,

'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair...!!

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Neil D
Date: 26 Feb 25 - 03:53 AM

Here's one for that guy that hates puns.
What do you call a magician who lose his magic?
Ian.

Subject: RE: BS: Jokes from QI thread for 2025
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Feb 25 - 06:46 AM

One from Stephen Fry

"My Great Uncle had his tongue shot off in the war -


he never talks about it"

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Feb 25 - 08:07 AM

I went in the hardware shop today and asked what was best to clean ovens

"Ammonia cleaner" said the assistant

"Sorry, I thought you were on customer service..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Feb 25 - 08:06 AM

A few Roman jokes from an erstwhile contributor

A Roman centurion went into a bar and said to the barman, "I'll have a martinus please." The barman said, "Do you mean 'martini'?" The centurion said, "Look, pal, if I'd wanted two I'd have ASKED for two..."


An ancient Roman is trying on some new clothes. He turns to his wife and asks her, " Does my gluteus look maximus in this toga?"


A rather overweight tourist goes into a clothes shop in ancient Rome and asks the assistant, "Do you have XL togas?"

"Certainly sir, but why do you want so many?"


Most Romans don't think that Cleopatra is beautiful, but that's the way Julius Caesar...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 22 Feb 25 - 01:37 PM

I'll tell you...

The baby because it's a little Bigger!

:)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Fred
Date: 22 Feb 25 - 01:09 PM

Solve this:

If Mr & Mrs Bigger have a baby, which of the Bigger's is the biggest?

Fred

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Feb 25 - 06:32 AM

gillymor - :-D

Before we get too political though, a couple from Steve :-)

A bloke sees a blind man with a dog at the bus stop. Suddenly, the dog cocks its leg up and pees down the blind man's leg.

"Hey, mate, your dog's just peed on your leg!"

"Ah, thanks for telling me that." Upon which the blind man pulls a doggie treat out of his pocket and gives it to the dog.

"Hey, surely you're not rewarding the dog for peeing on you!"

"Nah. I'm just finding out which is its front end so that I can kick its arse..."

A woman is upstairs in bed with a bad leg. The doctor calls round and the husband shows him upstairs.

Five minutes later the doc comes down and asks if he can borrow a screwdriver. Ten minutes later he comes down again, asking for a saw and a pair of pliers this time.

The chap is frantic by now. "What's going on, doc? What are you doing up there? Is her leg worse than we thought?"

Sez the doc, "I haven't a clue, mate. I'm still trying to get my medical bag open..."

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Feb 25 - 04:20 PM

Considering the sitch over here, Dave, it might be an improvement.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Feb 25 - 01:52 PM

You are going straight to hell, gillymor :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Feb 25 - 07:50 AM

A pedophile, rapist and priest enter a bar. He orders a beer.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Feb 25 - 06:02 AM

MudGuard, we used to say, she's got a big front porch and a swinging back door.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Feb 25 - 04:51 AM

We live near Haworth and see plenty jokes with variations on "Bronte saw us" :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MudGuard
Date: 21 Feb 25 - 02:16 AM

gillymor, in German (at least in Bavarian), there is the expression
"Sie hat viel Holz vor der Hütte"
("she has a lot of wood in front of the hut/cabin")
which refers to a woman's breasts ...

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Feb 25 - 06:57 PM

This woman got breast implants made of wood.

It would be great if this joke had a punchline...

...wooden tit?

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Naemanson
Date: 20 Feb 25 - 05:27 PM

Georgiansilver, re: Squirrels in church

I heard there was also a synagogue in town. It was also plagued by squirrels until the rabi started circumcising them.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 19 Feb 25 - 09:50 AM

Fresh this morning:

What do you call a showoff dinosaur on a Harley-Davidson?








A wheeliesaurus.

Subject: RE: BS: Joke thread for 2025
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Feb 25 - 09:29 AM

A small town had three churches: Presbyterian, Methodist, and Catholic. All three had a serious problem with squirrels in the church building and each, in its own fashion, had a meeting to deal with the problem.

The Presbyterians decided that it was predestined that squirrels be in the church and that they would just have to live with them.

The Methodists decided that the situation needed dealing with humanely and strapped the squirrels before moving them to the local park. Within 3 days they returned.

The Catholics decided the best idea would be to baptise them, which they did. Now they only see them at Easter and Christmas.