BS: stay out of trouble thread (stay afloat)

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 04:46 PM

Try talking about folk music - specifically, "what is folk?". If her eyes start to glaze over, you shouldn't have any more trouble.
;-)

DC

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 04:28 PM

Stay firm and determined to keep your own space. No means no, thanks but no thanks.

It brings to my mind the coercive control type of behaviour and part of that is being nice just to get her own way.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Sep 25 - 03:44 PM

The nosy woman is back and she is doing her best to negotiate terms, so to speak.
I have let her know that she told me too much and I was unhappy about it.
She wants to apologize and get hugs and stroke me some more, literally.
I keep saying no to the hugs and the stroking.

This is a deeply needy person and all the times that I was being polite to her, she somehow found me attractive, and now she wants to give me special treatment.
It's all very creepy. She's an old lady and I don't see her changing.

I'm afraid the only way to deal with her coming after me and wanting my attention is to keep saying no and to be firm,
and accept that she negotiates and pushes. It's how she goes through life.
From one point of view she is harmless, and she would protest vehemently that she is harmless, I'm sure.
But we are practically neighbors and we cannot avoid crossing paths in the hallway.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 31 Aug 25 - 08:34 PM

I overheard something a little chilling tonight.

In the parlor by the retirement community library, I was reading a book.
Two women sat down on a couch nearby and began talking earnestly, as though I were not there to hear.
One of the women claimed that she has been robbed twice since she moved here, describing what was taken -- jewelry, of course.
Somewhere in the conversation, the other woman remarked, "There are no secrets at [the retirement community]."
I haven't any jewelry to be robbed of. I don't dress that way;
the woman in question does dress up, though, especially for dinner.

I have days when I feel sorry for myself. I don't, after hearing that.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 28 Aug 25 - 10:21 AM

Getting things shipped in a hurry: I remember reading about the touring theatrical company who had difficulties ensuring their costume and/or props hamper arrived (by rail iirc) before the performance. Their solution was to write FISH in large, friendly letters on the hamper.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 27 Aug 25 - 11:10 PM

I shipped 3 pounds of okra to a friend but the UPSP was so slow, even on Priority mail, that most of it spoiled before it got there. The post office used to ship the more expensive mail faster, now it just says "gotcha" if you're silly enough to pay more for the same slow service all other parcels get.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 06:12 PM

Indeed, SRS, there are many other events going on that I can look into and participate in, although if they are in the morning then I have conflicts in my schedule.

As for music, there is already a musician leading singing in the community at regular times; he conducts singing, and he has an accompanist who works with him. He is always looking for new singers. I am not aware if my nosy neighbor is or is not part of the singing group. But this is something that might fit into my schedule ... or not ... I will have to see. I think the group, like my chorus, had the summer off. But they ought to start meeting up again.

As to my chorus, they resume a week after Labor Day, which is in no time at all.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 04:07 PM

Talking about finding a group activity reminds me of some detective fiction books I read recently about a group of people living in a retirement village who start investigating a crime and then the next books are each about a new crime.

Richard Osman Thursday Murder Club series. I have read the first two. I'll have to find copies of the other three. They are a gentle, fun read - except for the crime part, of course.

SRS, your story reminds me of a flaky manager - long story, she wasn't management material - who decided to run mindfulness sessions when the unit was under pressure about being relocated 50 miles away. Not many attended and the sessions fizzled out. (My comment about her would be that she needed a mind before she could be mindful, and she tended to skim the surface of anything she was supposedly "learning" so her interpretation of mindfulness would be unlikely to relate to the actual concept.)

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 10:17 AM

The library I retired from had horrible management the last few years. And at one point people from the administration office went to some kind of retreat that involved sharing personal stuff and it would somehow engender good feelings. With no background they started running those kinds of sessions in our regular meeting room, and asking people to share deep dark secrets. A department co-worker had signed up thinking it was required and I remember advising them to back out, that they had no business trying to run something like that. Others must have expressed the same concern because those sessions vanished off of the calendar. Even with the best of intentions those things can go awry. You said your nosy neighbor runs a weekly happy hour? Is there some other event you can participate in, or arrange informally, to meet some of the others in your community? You said you aren't playing piano any more, but if you were, would people join in singing?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Aug 25 - 09:09 AM

Preserve the contentment of your selected community. People who gossip about other people's issues are generally less interesting than people who discuss ideas. You can change the subject yourself or be disinterested in the gossip/accusations. Influencers come and go. Water will eventually find its own level in your positive community of choice, so don't let yourself become intimidated. There are issues worth fighting for, but this doesn't sound like trouble worth fighting. Nobody is perfect. Let a blip be a blip.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 24 Aug 25 - 02:55 PM

keberoxu, one of the issues with either working for a large department or, in your case, moving into a retirement facility is that you don't get to choose the other people you have to associate with. You have been able to reset your life and make some positive changes and it appears that the future is looking bright for you. You should be able to follow the path which is right for you without interference from someone with her own agenda. (I suspect she might fit my category of COTUS - Centre of the Universe Syndrome. :-) )

I think it is your right to set reasonable boundaries and to uphold them and from what you have told us, it seems like this woman doesn't respect boundaries. No-one should have the power to pressure anyone else to either reveal or discuss personal issues with them, especially if it is none of their business, and I suspect she tries to start these conversations when other people are nearby so there is a risk of a number of other people knowing your business.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 24 Aug 25 - 01:52 PM

Unfortunately Helen is on the right track here.
This one is a known manipulator.
She directs the weekly happy hour before Tuesday dinner,
and makes everyone else's business her business.
No more weekly happy hours for me, I think.

I think SRS is right as well, about going after the "new kid".
So it's going to be a little unpleasant but I have to set boundaries.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 Aug 25 - 12:08 PM

Hm. Saga time ....

I had (and have) a problem with dealing with conflict. At my last-but-one place of work, one colleague had a tendency to speak *at* underlings; one piece of work I was doing for him wasn't going so well, so I had nothing to take to him, so he would visit my office and be loudly unhappy. What broke me out of the cycle was plucking up the courage to walk into his office first thing one morning, and say "Right --- how are we going to deal with this wretched problem?" After that, he was on my side.

Hope this helps.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Aug 25 - 06:56 AM

..... or music in general, if singing in a choir is too specific

DC

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 24 Aug 25 - 06:48 AM

This person might be trying to be friendly but have poor social skills. Rather than cutting them off with a curt "No thanks. I'm not interested", why not change the subject to something you enjoy - singing in a choir, for example. You never know, you might find a common interest somewhere along the way.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 23 Aug 25 - 06:58 PM

She would give me the creeps also! I concur with Helen's theory - if you're the "new kid" and subjected to her scrutiny, it's a matter of standing your ground.

There's a guy I follow on Instagram named Jefferson Fisher whose short clips offer tips on how to interact with people who cause problems. I'm sure you've had enough of these kinds of discussions in therapy that none of it is new, but maybe one or two would be a reminder of what try (or try next.) He's a trial lawyer who discusses communicating and setting boundaries. If you can't simply walk away from her to deliver the lack of interest message, then maybe something else in there would help.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 23 Aug 25 - 05:49 PM

When I was working in the library I read a book by Dr Winnifred Cutler which changed my perspective on negotiating with people to get what I wanted or needed, instead of feeling obliged to agree to other people's demands. It still stands out in my mind as one of the best books I have ever read.

Note: There is no hidden message in my recommending this book, given it is about courtship. The important lessons I learned are similar to what this woman said on the review page:

"A Story from "Freida" who learned to follow the Code of Courtship:

"Frieda was 38 when she attended a workshop and explored her history with men. As she did, she recognized that her problem centered on principles four and five. When men began to show interest in her, she would typically respond with pretty much whatever they wanted. Her usual experience was to receive a phone call on a Friday afternoon from a new or not so new man who would ask her what she was doing this weekend. And usually the truth was she had no plans.

"Then when the man would suggest that they get together, although she felt uneasy about it, she would agree to see him at the last minute. She didn't like this, but didn't know how to change it. Through the exercises that follow, she learned how to communicate what she wanted. More important, she strengthened her capacity for self-control and her dignity by taking command of her calendar. Her life changed dramatically."

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 23 Aug 25 - 04:30 PM

Ah keberoxu, that reminds me of when I was going through a very tough time dealing with a workplace bully who was my manager.

I went to a women's group event which was supposed to be a celebration and a chance to socialise with good people and a woman I didn't know sat next to me at the lunch table. She suddenly started giving me an unwanted psychic reading, in front of everyone else at the table. I was so upset already about the months of bullying and then about her invading my psychological space without my permission. I jumped up from the table and went to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I was so angry that she thought she had the right to launch into this invasion of my private space.

Negotiating with others who are invading our private space is not easy, but it can be done. I went to an assertiveness training session many years ago and it was very helpful. One tip was never to say "sorry" at the beginning of a statement about not wanting to comply with a request because it gives the other person a chance to continue the conversation. If someone asks you to go to lunch tomorrow, for example, and you don't want to go anywhere with them, don't say, "Sorry, I can't make it tomorrow" because they will say, "How about the next day?" and so on. It is a clearer communication to just say, "No thanks. I'm not interested".

Then polite but assertive repetition is a good tactic, e.g. "No thanks. I'm not interested" in response to any attempts the other person makes to repeatedly put pressure on changing your mind. Quiet but firm is the best tactic that I have found.

I also find it helpful to think through my tactics. I often write it down and then clarify my thoughts and reduce them to one or two statements which I can repeat as often as necessary until the other person gets the message.

I suspect you are the latest target in a long line - newcomer to the home and someone she sees as a possible new person to bother because all the others have sent her and her behaviour away.

Keep calm and work out your tactics.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Aug 25 - 02:58 PM

A fellow resident at the retirement home is getting on my nerves.
It is keeping me awake at night because the encounters are triggering for me.
This woman is very persuasive, even seductive, about insinuating herself into someone else's life.
I have been very short with her, yet she persists in trying to get me to open up.
She gives me the creeps, frankly.
For one thing, she has given me too much information that I didn't ask for.
She sat down next to me one day to tell me all about the drama of her childhood, concluding with the fact that she grew up to become a counselor. Then she asked if my childhood was worse than hers. I didn't say much.
I honestly was not prepared to open up and spill my stuff,
and the more she pressures me, the less I trust her.

I'm afraid I will have to confront her and tell her, no more of this.
After all, I can't change her behavior, but I can change mine,
and up to this point I have just been stubbornly withholding without confronting her about how icky she makes me feel.
Because she has been so persistent about pursuing me and getting stuff out of me,
I expect her to resist and persist with me, which won't be nice.
But I have to be firm and make clear that
I know that she is trying to lead me somewhere, and
that she will not lead me one step further on this particular path.
I don't look forward to this, but I have to do it if I want to get some sleep at night.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 19 Aug 25 - 01:12 PM

Tomorrow the new mattress is delivered,
while the old mattress and box springs are removed.

My right hand is healing nicely, if slowly.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 18 Aug 25 - 12:48 PM

Today seems to be one for problem solving. I looked out at the curb to see if my trash can had been emptied yet - not only was it still full, all of the other trash along the street had been picked up. I moved my can back up the driveway, but a few minutes later the dogs barking alerted me to the trash truck parked at the bottom of the driveway. It seems they're one man short so had picked up only one side and the house next door on my side. Quick handoff and that bag is gone (was going to get stinky with several meat wrappers).

Telemedicine counselling appointment call didn't happen as expected, my call to ask about it looped through their recorded message a couple of times and got a tongue tied phone clerk who finally said their system is down, they'll contact me when they can reschedule.

My paycheck from my part-time job arrived, but it hadn't been signed by the boss (it was already a week late.) Oops, they'll resend tomorrow.

I kind of hate to guess at what might be next, it isn't even noon yet.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 16 Aug 25 - 05:52 PM

Good thing you have a nurse handy to take care of that! Keep it dry!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 Aug 25 - 05:43 PM

I'm supposed to be staying out of trouble, but stuff happens.
Yesterday I was taking my newly cleaned clothes off of the wire hangers that they come back on. The wire hanger scratched the back of my hand, maybe two inches, or a little less. My skin is thinner than it used to be. I now have these adhesive strips holding the cut skin together, thanks to the retirement community nurse. They are not supposed to get wet. I was given those thin disposable gloves to use when I need to wash. It doesn't hurt, as long as I don't touch it.

I feel stupid for being so clumsy with the hanger.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 15 Aug 25 - 01:56 PM

You should be able to offer it for free on local message groups if you participate in any, or know someone who could list it for you. I'm sorry toppers weren't helpful!

Sweet dreams!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 15 Aug 25 - 01:39 PM

I just paid for a new mattress, to replace the one that is too hard and stiff.
Now to set up delivery, along with disposal of my old mattress.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 11 Aug 25 - 08:15 AM

Still taking some meals at the treatment center dining hall, with its buffet servery.

The dishwasher is being replaced over the next three days, so we have to eat with disposable dishes and utensils, as nothing can be washed until the new dishwasher is installed in the dining hall kitchen. Not a big deal, just a little different than we're used to.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 10 Aug 25 - 12:45 AM

That just makes sense, Keb. I remember a book my parents had that I thought was odd, until Mom explained that the "Plots of the Operas" (ancient book by now) helped them understand what was going on when they listened to the Met Opera on the radio on Saturdays.

I went with friends to see a Shakespeare play, can't remember which now, but I had read it, and have to say they figured out one way to deal with not having read it. They put me in the middle between them and took turns leaning in to ask me what was happening. I pity the people behind us. Unless they didn't know either and were listening to the answers.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 09 Aug 25 - 08:01 PM

Two months ago, I posted a message about "Camino Real,"
the Tennessee Williams play that I anticipated seeing in performance.

The performance happened last month.
I was with a group of ten to fifteen people who went together in a small van.
The play's reputation is deserved: it is long and difficult, and hard to understand.
I was actually very entertained by the whole thing, I believe this is because
I prepared for the experience, reading the play thoroughly and reading some commentaries and analyses of the play.

Others in my group were not thus prepared for the play,
and I recall one woman who was so frustrated by the experience of sitting through the play
that she lashed out in anger afterwards.
Our van driver (who went out for pizza while waiting for us)
asked the woman, "What was it about?"
And the woman snarled, "NOTHING! It was about NOTHING!"

Well, I knew that "Camino Real" would have some people scratching their heads in puzzlement, it's that type of play.
And it is likely that I won't see it again anywhere.
So I am grateful to have seen the play at all in any production.

I think of the play as a metaphor for purgatory, for a plane of existence
which attracts people whose lives are over, and who are still earthbound,
still attached to the lives that they lived.
The play takes place over one night, and part of a morning, in its setting.
And one can imagine the lost souls who populate the place
re-enacting the same events day after day, unable to break the cycle.
There are two or three characters in the play who transcend the setting
and move on;
two of them do so together at the end of the play,
making for an upbeat ending.
Like I say, I'm glad I saw it once in my life.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Aug 25 - 04:04 PM

The performers last night were the Tanglewood Music Center Fellows,
only here for the summer.
It was their big finale, and now they all go back home.

I am still very near the chorus that I sing with,
so I'm planning to be back in the second soprano section in September.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 05 Aug 25 - 12:30 PM

Is the group you heard perform one you're thinking of joining? Are you still near the group you've rehearsed and performed with in the last couple of years?

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Aug 25 - 08:49 AM

Last night I attended a concert (not staged) performance of
Ravel's "L'Enfant et les Sortileges," a one-act opera.
Ravel only composed two operas, both brief,
and both crammed with difficulties;
I think this one is the more difficult of the two.
I can just imagine what rehearsals were like:
a rehearsal pianist scrambling to keep up with the arrangement
of a fiendishly difficult orchestration;
and singers having to repeat and repeat their sung lines.
You come out of rehearsals like that
with the music partly memorized and ringing in your ears.

Then you perform it once, and poof! it's all over.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Aug 25 - 10:51 AM

I am haunted by an account that was given by a treatment center alumnus
during a panel presentation to the reunion attendees yesterday.

Some people seem to have lives like a drama or an opera.
This one alumnus suffers from a degenerative nerve disorder and
has been in and out of hospitals all their life.
I got to know this person a little, as they were still in treatment
when I arrived, then they discharged.

I was unaware that, in the past year or two,
the alumnus was nearly killed while using a crosswalk to cross the street. A car struck the person in the crosswalk.
They were using an electric scooter, since the disorder affects their mobility,
and so were wearing a helmet, which saved their life.
Hearing this story kept me awake last night.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 02 Aug 25 - 08:10 AM

The treatment center has an Alumni Reunion this weekend,
which current patients are encouraged to register for and attend.
It started yesterday, and continues through the weekend.
There are people coming back who were in treatment when I was,
so I saw a few familiar faces.
There are also some old-timers who go back decades,
who try to attend these reunions regularly
(they happen about every two years).

There's a big tent on the grassy lawn, and some of the events happen under the tent,
others in the big conference room indoors.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 26 Jul 25 - 11:27 AM

I'm taking a friend to the library today to renew her card. Her news this week is that in this treacherous MAGA world she finally got a date for a SSI disability hearing. I wouldn't want to be trying to thread that needle right now, but it has taken about three years to get here and the payment will be retroactive from when she started the process. She is one of those who would certainly fall through the cracks with the cuts to Medicare if she is dropped, but if she is on paper truly disabled hopefully the insurance stays as well. Staying out of trouble these days comes with a political component.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Jul 25 - 09:34 AM

Take off your coat and stay awhile, Mrrzy!

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jul 25 - 09:18 AM

Hi keb and everybody,I need to read this whole thread. Just got here.

Argh. Sister. Niece. Much anxiety, no depression.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 Jul 25 - 02:27 PM

Hear hear, Stilly: as a computer systems administrator in remission, I strongly favour hard copy, as I know how many ways a bag of bits can get mangled or otherwise abused. The iron test of anything (whether it's documentation, banking, or folk music) is whether it'd work in a power cut.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Jul 25 - 01:15 PM

Perhaps in a few years some of them will come to Fort Worth, Texas, for the Cliburn competition.

This summer has been a time for reading important current books on political policy and thought. And makes me wonder if I should backtrack and find some pithy Marx essays as background. His name is thrown around by people who probably have never actually read any of his theory. (I have, but a long time ago, hence the interest in re-reading or finding more.) American libraries aren't supposed to share information or keep records about what their clients research or check out, but in this digital age they probably can't help but have records like that. Staying out of trouble at the library may mean simply paying cash for used books at the brick and mortar store in town.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 24 Jul 25 - 08:07 AM

The program is a summer intensive that draws students from across the country.
In a week or two they go back home to California or wherever they are from. (One was from China.)

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 24 Jul 25 - 12:03 AM

It sounds like there is a support or mentor role you could choose, if there is interest in supporting any of those students. Do you still play the piano for your own pleasure? I was never confident enough to play in front of people but enjoy playing for myself.

Looking for a bit of Good Trouble, John Lewis style, but not so much that the stress levels rise. 3.5 more years of Trump make that a huge challenge. Time for the entire nation to explore stress reduction exercises.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Jul 25 - 08:37 PM

Just came from a performance out of a highly competitive program for
high school students to study classical piano,
which I also studied at their age.

I did not envy them one bit.
I remember all the hours I spent practicing the piano at that age,
and the auditions to get into a good university music program.
I could feel for the students taking turns at the piano.
And I thought, let them do the heavy lifting now,
I've had my turn, and I'm done playing the piano for others.

But I don't say that to my acquaintances in the audience,
because a lot of them would not understand how I can feel that way.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Jul 25 - 02:26 PM

You've been very active in all of this moving, it was a goal and you have achieved it, so I hope you feel good for that. Props to you for all of that work! You wrangled those ducks admirably. Perhaps it is time to set some new goals?

At night I hate the air conditioner blowing on my feet and legs. I have a careful balance of the ceiling fan running, the thermostat set at 82^o, and the covers are a sheet and a light cotton blanket that is pushed aside unless it cools a lot near dawn. I'd rather go to sleep in a warm room with a little gentle air movement than the gush of cold every so often.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 19 Jul 25 - 12:29 PM

After several months of shifting things about, I am almost all in one place now.
My apartment of fifteen years' rental, I have now moved out of it completely.
All the stuff that was in storage is now under my roof.
My apartment has everything that still belongs to me after a drastic period of downsizing.
This week the USPS officially started forwarding my mail to the new address, and I ought to see evidence of that in the mail.
Right now I'm receiving mail directly addressed to my apartment, but not the forwarded stuff yet.

I'm feeling a curious sort of fatigue.
Not helped by the fact that my mattress is so firm that it feels like
trying to sleep on a massage table.
I'm going to try a mattress topper to see if it helps me sleep better.
The bedroom, which faces west, absolutely requires the air conditioner
to be going in high summer, particularly all night long.
The fan blows wll night long and I'm still getting used to the sensation and the noise.

I feel like I need to allow myself more time to settle into
a life that has gotten shaken up a lot in the last six months or so.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: JennieG
Date: 15 Jul 25 - 02:54 AM

That is a lovely tribute to your friend, keberoxu. You will miss her.

Sometimes lift just gets in the way, and we lose touch with people we care for and who care for us.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 14 Jul 25 - 11:53 AM

I just went back and reread that, keberoxu. I missed it when you first posted, and I'm sorry to read it. I had a similar surprise last week, when the daughter of an old academic correspondent posted a sad memory on her facebook page, and because she tagged her late father, I was able to backtrack. He died just over two years ago. We had a really good ten years or so of conversations when I was in graduate school and beyond, but he was moving from finishing the PhD (never finally did) to teaching full time and had some interesting family struggles he described. I didn't know he'd been sick, had cancer that returned. It seems like I should have felt something at the time he passed, I get the impression that is something you're also struggling with. How did that source of positive energy extinguish without your being aware of it, feeling it's absence when it happened.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Helen
Date: 14 Jul 25 - 11:17 AM

I am sad for your loss, keberoxu. It's especially difficult when you did not find out about her passing until later. Cherish her memory and the good times and especially the memories of her wonderful influence on you and those around her. Play some music in her honour.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 14 Jul 25 - 10:44 AM

My post on JUly 10 describes how I found out about the death of a long-time friend.

I'm still grieving the loss.
She was twenty years older than I, and could have been my mother.
She did mother me in some ways, as she mothered many other students.
We shared a lot of music together:
we performed together at university and outside of it;
we went to classes together,
we studied with some of the same professors and coaches,
we attended concerts together.

And she was a generous friend, always ready to lend a hand or help out.
Her sense of humor uplifted me and restored me many times.
She did not flinch from the hard realities of life
(she raised three children as a single mother),
but she was indomitable and did not let anything get her down.

I am grieving the loss of someone I loved very much.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 11 Jul 25 - 02:31 PM

Texas Monthly account of the Guadalupe flood by a staff member caught in it.

Astonishing, and all things considered, they were fortunate that any of them survived.

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 11 Jul 25 - 10:13 AM

I just completed a phone call to Social Security.
The nice lady who took my call,
changed my address and phone number over the phone.

It helped that I made the phone call
late in the week (Friday)
and early in the day (9:30 am).
They were able to take my call
without making me wait on hold for two hours or more.

It's finally done. I was beginning to despair . . .

Subject: RE: BS: stay out of trouble thread
From: keberoxu
Date: 10 Jul 25 - 04:23 PM

A long-time friend of mine was exchanging e-mails with me two years ago, and went silent. I kept sending e-mails and received nothing in response.

Today I Googled my friend's name, and found her obituary.
She died two years ago, one month after her last e-mail to me.

We were both at university studying music together. However, she was older than I. I was only an undergraduate, and she was returning to school after raising three children.
We became rather close, and her exuberant, vivacious spirit was like a tonic for me. She was Irish-American and a recovering Catholic, so to speak. She was young at heart even as her body aged.

I went back and looked at her last e-mail. She had been in the hospital with serious illness, and reading between the lines I wonder if she had minimized in her e-mail just how serious it was. By this time she was old enough to have seven great-grandchildren. She had suffered badly from a series of falls as well, breaking bones. So her old suffering body was ready to go.

I cannot believe that her spirit has been extinguished after burning so brightly.
I have to believe that her spirit exists on another plane, as vibrant as ever.

Thanks for listening. I had to tell somebody.