BS: UK Jest thread for 2026

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Jul 26 - 07:29 PM

Change hands!

Assuming that this was a response to my post, DtG, it hasn't really made things any clearer.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 09 Jul 26 - 08:22 AM

No, sorry Doug, I was being guilty of what I accuse Mr Red of - Using vague references. It is an old (forces I think) comment on masturbation :-O The post before mine was 99 so I used half the comment "99, change hands"

I am as baffled by Mr R's posting as you.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Jul 26 - 08:56 AM

It's easier to confuse than amuse.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Jul 26 - 09:40 AM

King Charles III: During a White House State Dinner in April 2026, King Charles poked fun at the construction plans. He quipped: "On this occasion, I cannot help noticing the readjustments to the east wing, Mr. President," before adding a historical jab: "I'm sorry to say that we British, of course, made our own small attempt at real estate redevelopment of the White House in 1814" (referencing the burning of the White House during the War of 1812).

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 14 Jul 26 - 10:06 AM

Stolen from ElReg comments:

A man visits the showhome for the latest and greatest Smart Home, equipped with voice control and robotic assistance.

The salesman boasts that this house will do anything - Anything that you ask for via voice command. "Try it out!" he suggests...

So the man asks: "Make me some dinner!" And the house whirrs into action and some robotic arms begin cooking up a meal.

"Make the bed!" And the bed flips over and is immediately furnished with new plump pillows and bedding.

Close the curtains! Play some music! Everything he asked for was instantly catered for by the smart house.

And the man looked about in amazement at this marvel of technology, and said: "Well... Bugger me..."

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Jul 26 - 12:59 PM

Stolen from I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue's Uxbridge English Dictionary:

Shuttlecock: Air Force One.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Jul 26 - 03:49 PM

Fly #1 and fly #2 are sitting atop a fresh pile of dung. #1 breaks wind and #2 says "c'mon man, not while I'm eating."

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: The Sandman
Date: 27 Jul 26 - 03:59 PM

Any Kerryman jokes ?

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: The Sandman
Date: 27 Jul 26 - 04:31 PM

The Pub Roof: How do you get a Kerryman to climb onto the roof of a pub? Tell him the drinks are on the house!

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Mr Red
Date: 30 Jul 26 - 11:08 AM

"D-K E" Dunning-Kruger Effect. It is described by Dr David Dunning as: when someone is trying to be knowledgable beyond their core competence. As he says, nobody is immune. Or as Stephen Fry says, in his usual QI imprecision: "people who are too stupid to realise they are being stupid". "Understanding" the effect doesn't stop you, but it does make those who understand think a little harder.

And on a public forum, jokes are broadcast for "anyone", not "everyone". Not that D-K E recognises that. eg this one from David Sedaris on his BBC programme:

A policeman stops a car with two priests in it and say "Sir, we are looking for a child molester"
The priests look at each other and after a silence say "We'll do it"

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 30 Jul 26 - 12:23 PM

But what if people expressing an understanding of the Dunning-Kruger Effect are, in fact, suffering from the Dunning-Kruger Effect themselves?

DC

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 31 Jul 26 - 10:04 AM

Guilty as charged, m'Lud: failure to resist the lure of the open mouth. Who was it said, "It is better to keep silence, and be thought a fool, than to speak up and remove all doubt"?

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Aug 26 - 05:35 AM

I am quite happy to admit that I know nowt about psychology and very little about many other things but I do know what makes me laugh!

Man walks into a bar and says "Ouch"

It was an iron bar

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Aug 26 - 10:02 AM

They found our local ice cream man dead, covered in raspberry sauce and chocolate sprinkles. They reckoned he topped himself

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 04 Aug 26 - 01:43 PM

Stolen from ElReg comments:

"I'm presently on a "contract" where I get paid by 9kWh lithium batteries falling off the back of a lorry."

"How much do you charge?

"9kW per hour, obviously!"

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Rain Dog
Date: 04 Aug 26 - 02:05 PM

"Man walks into a bar and says "Ouch"

It was an iron bar"

That made me smile, especially after reading your post on the 12th May.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Aug 26 - 02:25 PM

They found a mummy in Egypt who seemed to be covered in chocolate and nuts...They think he might be Pharoah Rocher

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 05 Aug 26 - 10:58 AM

Pratchett's Law of Marriage: A marriage consists of two people, each of whom knows that it's the other one who snores.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 05 Aug 26 - 12:19 PM

I know I don't snore. I stayed awake all night to listen and I didn't snore once.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 05 Aug 26 - 12:32 PM

Actually, Doug, I distinctly remember snoring so loud once that I woke myself up. Herself will attest to the event.

Meanwhile, what I came back here to say:

I'm sorry, Sir, but your number has a complex: it can't tell what's real and what's imaginary.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MudGuard
Date: 05 Aug 26 - 03:10 PM

I do not snore:

Proof:

I can't sleep if someone in the same room as myself is snoring.
I can sleep. I am in the same room as myself.
Therefore, I am not snoring ...

QED ...

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 06 Aug 26 - 08:22 AM

Stole from ElReg comments:

Children at work

That brings up the story of the man who took his young daughter to work. As the day went on she became increasingly unhappy and eventually burst into tears. When staff gathered round to see what was wrong she said "Daddy, where are all the clowns you say you work with?"

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 06 Aug 26 - 12:52 PM

It seems Pope's official prayer app commits cardinal sin, leaks 700K+ users' info, which led to the following comments:

The entire network runs on a 2,000-year-old legacy system protected by layers of guilt, incense, and a guy named Peter at the gate.

Just hope his database containing the details of who gets in (and the details of the presumably vastly larger list of who doesn't) isn't leaked.

"Good to see you (finally) Mr Lama. Go straight in sir, you're expected."

"Sorry Mr President, I have down for the barbeque in the basement. Better not dawdle, downstairs is rather impatient and you are well overdue."

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 24 Aug 26 - 10:05 AM

Stolen from ElReg (the gloriously-pseudonym'd Yet Another Anonymous Coward):

That's a common misunderstanding [about Mussolini].

Concerned that the Royal Navy could blockade Italy's coal imports he wanted the railways to use locally available wood instead

In the south of Italy, the only trees available were small shrubs and herbs.

In fact he wanted the trains to run on thyme.....

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Aug 26 - 08:45 PM

good ones...

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 01 Sep 26 - 12:00 PM

Good to see some jokes appearing:-D

What does DNA stand for?

National Dyslexics Association

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 02 Sep 26 - 11:11 AM

Meme posted by a British friend living here in the US:

Apparently it costs the
NHS over £300,000 a year
to remove foreign objects from
people's rectums. Why aren't we
removing British objects instead?
Was Brexit all for nothing?
                   Gerry Paton, London

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 04 Sep 26 - 06:56 AM

Discovered (via ElReg comments) in Wikipedia entry for Mount Everest:

Finally, in March 1856 he [Andrew Waugh, the British Surveyor General of India] announced his findings in a letter to his deputy in Calcutta. [...] Peak XV (measured in feet) was calculated to be exactly 29,000 ft (8,839.2 m) high, but was publicly declared to be 29,002 ft (8,839.8 m) in order to avoid the impression that an exact height of 29000 ft was nothing more than a rounded estimate. Waugh is sometimes playfully credited with being "the first person to put two feet on top of Mount Everest".

That neatly clobbers my childhood ambition of scaling Everest, and rounding it off to exactly 29000 feet with dynamite.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 06 Sep 26 - 08:57 AM

Talking of mountains

Where are the Andes?

At the ends of the Armes...

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Sep 26 - 09:14 AM

Where did the General place his army?
In his sleevey.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Sep 26 - 05:54 AM

Why do they call it hummus?

Because it doesn't know the words.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Sep 26 - 11:34 AM

Sales of hummus and tzatziki have flatlined

Appears to be due to a double dip recession

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 16 Sep 26 - 05:18 PM

A slow-burning one, via ElReg comments:

I heard that the man who designed the autocorrect function died recently. The funnel is tomato.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 22 Sep 26 - 09:41 AM

Liberated^† from comments on an ElReg summary of a Gartner report:

And now AI. I'm having a major case of deja-moo (the feeling I've seen this bull$h1t before).

† As in: When the Allied troops released us from Colditz, we went into town and liberated a few chickens.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: gillymor
Date: 24 Sep 26 - 05:44 AM

A man was found dead in a vat full of crushed chickpeas, lemon juice and olive oil. The police ruled it a hummuscide.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: gillymor
Date: 25 Sep 26 - 03:48 PM

A guy walks into a bar, parks himself on a stool and the peanuts start talking to him, "You're looking good, have you lost weight?"
The guy asks the bartender,"what's with the peanuts?"
Bartender says, "they're complimentary".

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Sep 26 - 09:49 AM

Good old school joke from Steve is what we have been missing :-D

Bloke caught his wife in bed with another man. In a rage he dragged the chap out of the bed, down the stairs, out across the yard and into his shed. He seized the chap's dick and put it into his vice, nice and tight, then produced a saw.

"Oh my God!" wailed the chap with fear in his eyes, "Are you going to saw off my dick?"

Handing the saw to the chap, the bloke said, "No, you are. I'm setting fire to the shed."

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: MudGuard
Date: 01 Oct 26 - 06:58 AM

why would he use the saw? If his hand is free, he could open the vice ...

Bloke needs to remove the vice handle ...

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Oct 26 - 08:02 AM

A guy's driving down a country road and he sees a farmer in his orchard feeding his pigs, but what he's doing is taking one pig at a time, holding him up, letting him eat an apple out of the tree, and then setting him down before picking up another pig and letting him eat an apple. So the guy pulls over and walks up to the farmer and he says, "Wouldn't it save time to just knock all the apples on the ground and let the pigs eat them all at once?" And the farmer, confused, looks at him and says, "What's time to a pig?" —

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Oct 26 - 03:43 PM

Apparently Darth Vader has a UK right-wing billionaire cousin
His name is Tax E. Vader


An eccentric billionaire is throwing a lavish party with guests from all over the world. As the party is well under way he asks his guests to walk over to his Olympic sized swimming pool where he had it filled with all kinds of dangerous creatures, sharks, piranhas, crocodiles, you name it it is there! So he tells his guests "I will give anything to the person who is brave enough to jump in the pool and swim across!" The place falls silent as the guests only whisper amongst themselves in bewilderment. "Anything that person can dream of will be his!" the billionaire tells the guests again. Suddenly a large splash is heard and a guy is seen struggling to swim through, and miraculously he makes it across! The room erupts in cheers and the billionaire approaches the man who swam across, and tells him "I am a man of my word, and since you made it across what do you desire? Money, mansions, my daughters hand in marriage?" The man still visibly shaken and struggling to catch his breath replies "I just want to know the name of the son of a bitch who pushed me in the pool!"

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Oct 26 - 05:55 PM

My wife says I only have two faults. I don't listen and something else.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Oct 26 - 01:59 PM

There are two thing that happen in old age which are real milestones... The first is you start to lose your memory and the second is......erm......well eh.......... Oh sod it!!

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Oct 26 - 10:43 AM

I haven't drunk a beer in 5 years. It usually takes me about 10 minutes.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: gillymor
Date: 04 Oct 26 - 12:26 PM

My wife came in last night drenched in hummus, I can't believe the chick pea'd herself.

Subject: RE: BS: UK Jest thread for 2026
From: gillymor
Date: 06 Oct 26 - 08:15 AM

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?

Elephino.