Lyr Req: Ivor Clue?

Subject: Lyr Req: Ivor Clue?
From: GUEST,CJB
Date: 30 Aug 26 - 05:58 PM

CAN ANYONE IDENTIFY THIS OLD COMIC MONOLOGUE — “IVOR CLUE”?

My grandad taught me this many years ago, and I’ve been trying to discover where it originally came from. I don’t know whether it was performed by a comedian, written by a poet/songwriter, passed around in the Army or music halls, or perhaps something my grandad picked up and adapted himself.

This is everything I can remember:

“Ivor Clue left school at the age of 14.

His first job was at the local gasworks called Pen and Ink. He had the job of riddling steam at ten bob a bucketful, but later got caught with steam in his left-hand right coat pocket.

Ivor’s next job was also unsuccessful. He had the job of barrowing barrowfuls of daylight into dark corners. The trouble was, he was on nights regular.

Ivor decided to be a detective. He bought himself a bloodhound and named it Ichiko.

While Ivor was on the drawer, squatting flies with a bit of elastic, and his faithful dog was outside with the man next door, there was a knock on the telephone.

A cross-eyed woman with tears running down her back…”

And unfortunately, that’s all I can remember.

It has that old-fashioned surreal, absurdist one-liner / nonsense monologue style, where nearly every sentence deliberately turns logic on its head.

It could possibly date from the 1940s, 1950s, 1960s or 1970s, although it may be older.

Does anybody recognise Ivor Clue, any of these exact lines, or know of a comedian, comic monologue, record, radio performer or writer who used them?

There may be more verses that I’ve completely forgotten.

If this rings a bell with anybody — particularly someone who remembers old music-hall, variety, radio or Army humour — please get in touch.

I’d dearly love to find the original and hear the rest of it again.

Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Ivor Clue?
From: cnd
Date: 30 Aug 26 - 06:28 PM

I see this proliferated around a series of Facebook post requests as well, and may have found an answer here. For our own reference and durability, I'll copy the comment of Facebook user Jack Moon here:

Found this:
Ivor Klue — Full Recovered Version

Source: The Adventures of Ivor Klue, Detective — and his Hound Itchy-Coo • Created/written by Fred W. Palmer • Appeared weekly in Illustrated Chips (Amalgamated Press) starting 1929 and reprinted endlessly in annuals • Written in a bouncy, spoken-rhythm nonsense-verse style — so catchy millions memorised & passed it down mouth-to-mouth for generations

Ivor Klue left school at the age of fourteen,
Nothing he'd learnt was ever seen,
His first job was at Pen-and-Ink Gas-Works,
Riddling steam at ten bob a bucket-full!

He worked all day and he worked all night,
Till they caught him with steam
In his left-hand right coat pocket!

Then he barrowed barrow-fuls of daylight
Into dark corners — all neat and tidy —
Trouble was… he was on nights regular!

When gas-works work didn’t pay enough,
Ivor thought “I’ll detect bad stuff!”
Got himself a bloodhound, clever and true,
Called Itchy-Coo — sniffed the wind right through!
He’d say “Sniff it once, sniff it twice,”
“If it ain’t there — we’ll find it twice!”

There was a knock on the telephone — quiet as a sneeze,
And a cross-eyed woman — tears running down her back,
’Cause they were looking both ways — couldn’t find the right track!

Notes: Official spelling Ivor Klue (deliberate pun on Clue); dog’s real name Itchy-Coo — “Ichiku / Icky-Poo” etc are just natural “sounds-like” spellings as it travelled orally. Important: there was NEVER one single “finished whole song” — Fred Palmer dreamed up fresh silly lines week-by-week 1929-c. 1953; annuals picked favourites, families smoothed rhythms or added bits they fancied — what you’ve got here is the oldest agreed-upon core stanzas