Song Challenge!

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 10:24 AM

I saw a funny story in the newspaper this morning that I thought would make a great subject for a song. Then I figured why not make it a challenge for the 'Catters to write a song about this and see who wrote the funniest one? I'd like to make this a regular thread, so share your great ideas with us and let's see what we can come up with! All songs are eligible for inclusion in the Mudcat Songbook; but, the ones voted 'Best Challenge Song' will have a special notation beside it.

Here's the news story: The cops get a call from a woman telling them to arrest her husband, who's in a motel room with another woman. They tell her that although what he's doing is immoral, it's not illegal. Then she tells them that the husband has a warrant out for his arrest. They check it out, and sure enough, it's true. The cops go to the motel and knock on the door. The man goes out the back window and starts to shimmy down a galavanized pipe -- not bothering to put on his clothes! The officer at the bottom of pipe shouts for the fella to come down. The man looks at the officer and says, 'Who? Me?', and the officer says 'How many naked guys on pipes do you think I'm talking to?"

There you go -- Take it away!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 10:51 AM

I'm thinking "shimmy like my sister Kate."

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: InOBU
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 11:28 AM

Life is full of rude awakenings
Larry

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 04:26 PM

Miz Henley's Revenge

C~~~~~~A~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mrs Henley called the coppers

A~~~~~D7
There was no one home to stop her

D7~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~G
For her husband, sad to tell

G~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~G7~~~~~~~~~C Was shacked up in a cheap motel!

Coppers, nab him! Bust him! Jail him!
Mrs Henley started wailin'
He's down at that Sleepy Eight
With that floozy Sal McWaite!

Saw him riding on the trolley
With that most immoral dolly!
Lock him up, throw out the key!
He cannot do this to me!!

The deskman, kind Patrolman Beagle
Said, "But ma'a'm, it's not illegal
Though his morals seem a crime
It's not grounds for doing time!

Mrs Henley, near conniption,
Said "I'll fax you his description!"
He's the one, you'll quickly tell
Knocked off the local S and L"

Mister Henley, and his Sally
They were gettin' awfully pally
They began to palpitate
Down there at the Sleepy Eight

Suddenly their am'rous bumpin'
Was interrupted by a thumpin'
Beagle loudly hollered, "Stop!"
"And open up, there! It's the cops!"

John Henley leaped up in the buff!
Suddenly, was not so tough!
Out the window quickly flew,
To avoid the men in blue

On the drainpipe he was clinging
In the wind, his mascot swinging!
Seeing coppers on the ground
Quickly turned his damper down!

Henley swinging in the night
Was a most amazing sight!
Sergeant Brady snickered, braying
"Hey you! Nude guy on the drain!"

John thought he could still stay free
Answered nicely, "Who, Sir? Me?"
Brady yelled "Get on the ground!"
"You're the only nude around!"

Now instead of fornication
Chains are Henley's destination
Naked, cold and in the cuffs
John declares he's had enough!!

Meanwhile, Mrs Henley waited
With her thirst for vengeance sated
Made another little call,
To her near-by boyfriend Paul!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 04:33 PM

Amos!! You De Man!! Ring That Bell!! We Have A Winnah!!

If anyone else wants to give it a go -- PLEASE DO -- the idea was to get a lot of entries for the challenge!!

If you have another challenge idea - let us see it!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: MMario
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 04:50 PM

you think I gonna do anything after Amos posts that you NUTS! BRAVO, Amos!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 05:00 PM

Awww...shucks, it jes...sorta come to me, y'know? Aw...

A.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Mbo
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 05:13 PM

Amos, you're UNSTOPPABLE! You certainly aren't LI (Lyrically Impaired) like me! If you need some tunes for your songs, I'd be honored to write them for such as master of words as thou art!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 05:21 PM

Dear Amos (The Great and Wonderful!),

Is there any chance of you being able to put this song into a MP3 or WAV file and sending it to Max to play on next week's Mudcat Radio? Barring that, could you record it on a tape and send it to him? The world (well, at least the Mudcat World) needs to hear your songs!!

And if you don't want to send it to Max, you can send *me* all the songs you've contributed to the Songbook on a tape . . . pretty please???

Your biggest fan, Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 05:35 PM

Now dear, you have to stop (no! no!) or I'll turn so red you'll take me for a fire hydrant, and you know the life they lead!

I'll send you an .aif file which you're WAV player should be able to handle, if that's okay.

A.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 05:41 PM

There you go, Amos -- The First Ever Mudcat Song Challenge Winner -- the song's in the Mudcat Songbook. I don't think you'll have a hard time at all finding out where it is on the page (he he he)!

Congratulations, Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: MMario
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 05:41 PM

so - does Áine play nice and share?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 05:49 PM

MMario -- I alway play nice (except when I'm playing dirty . . .) and I'll share with you . . . exactly what did you want to share? The tape or the .AIFF file -- either one that Mr. Wonderful wants to send me (hint, hint), I'll share with you!

-- Áine

And Amos -- my email is on bbc's Mudcat Resources Page that's accessible through the 'Quick Links' at the top of this page. .AIFF would be just fine -- and thank you in advance! -- Á.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: katlaughing
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 05:56 PM

Well I had something in mind about the naked guy "bobbiting" his own, but Amos wins hands-down! Great Job!!! whoo-Hoo!!!!

katlaughing

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 07:02 PM

Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life...

Tom Lehrer, nice image......

LTS

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 07:13 PM

OK, Song Challenge Fans, I've double dog dared the lurkers over on the 'Areas for Improvement on the Mudcat' thread to come over here and write a song about an 'incandescent pickle' . . . We'll just see if they're up to the Challenge!!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 09:11 PM

Disclaimer: You must be over eighteen to continue reading this post. Any offended sensibilities should be reported to Max who will issue a software patch. (Well, it couldn't be hardware, now could it?)

I accept complete blame for the carnivorous nature of this ditty, since I downloaded it from the wrong Muse in the first place.

Amos

Your Pickle Glows At Night (Tune: The RIsing of the Moon)

"Is it really incandescence, that makes you burn like that?
Or a kind of phosphorence, in the water from your tap?
Do ye think that it's genetic? For it really is a fright
Yes it's really quite alarming, when your pickle glows at night"!

CHO: When your pickle glows at night, when your pickle glows at night!
Yes, it's really quite alarming when your pickle glows at night!

"Hushabye, me little colleen, and calm yer fearfful breast!
Tho' it's true my trusty pickle is quite different from the rest
It's the pure electric energy, whenever you're in sight
That wakens up the veggies, 'n makes my pickle glow at night "

So with gentle words, all smiling, he sought to make her calm
'Twas the first night since their wedding, , and he had not known her long!
As she slowly learned to trust him, she learned it was all right
And her fears they were ungrounded, when the pickle glowed at night!

CHO: When your pickle glows at night, when your pickle glows at night
Tho' it still seems quite unusu'l that your pickle glows at night!

By this time a year has passéd by, the lass has changed her tune!
And often asks him to reveal, the "Rising of the Moon"!
Now she thinks she's quite the lucky one, and calls it a delight
When Handsome Jack comes home again, and the pickle glows at night!

CHO: When your pickle glows at night, when your pickle glows at night!
It's such a wondrous feelin' when your pickle glows at night!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 09:36 PM

I was walking on the sidewalk in Downtown Buffalo
When I heard a passing stranger say "he's putting on a show"
I looked down to check, convinced my zipper was undone
But I was shocked to see my pickle shining like the Sun!

Does your pickle spark and sputter
When you turn the power on?
Does your own sweet wifey mutter
"Where's your luminesence, John?"
If you stick it in the socket
Does it still stay pale and wan?
Can you use it like a Snake Light
To put a spare tire on?
Does your pickle spark and sputter
When you turn the power on

The President strode up to the stage to thunderous applause
We all stood and saluted, for it was a noble cause
when he glanced back from the podium at the girls in the front row
His intern-itch had tripped the switch and his pickle was aglow

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 09:43 PM

Wooo! You go, LEJ! W. J. Clinton, Chief Pickle Shiner.

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 10:53 PM

This is great!!! Amos and LEJ, you're neck in neck -- or should that be pickle to pickle? No, I won't go there . . . Well, anyway, great job!!

LEJ - Come on, I'm dying to see some more verses to go with that 'shining' chorus!!

Amos - I listened to the AIFF file of Miz Henley's Revenge, and I have to say, I REALLY AM YOUR BIGGEST FAN!!

It's still a challenge y'all -- let's keep it going!

(And I have a great idea for the next one . . .)

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 11:09 PM

Gore and Bush and John McCain, and Bradley, Keyes and Forbes
Had gathered to give the folks a glance at their intellectual orbs
But when it came to the pickle test, the fray was badly fought
All their gherkins totalled up made far less than one watt

Of all the reindeer in Santa's herd, there's little said of Tony
His antlers lacked the proper length, his legs were thin and bony
But when the Christmas Blizzard came, and skies were bleak and gray
They stuck old Tony in the front and his pickle led the way!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 11:31 PM

Yeeeehaaa! Tony the incandescent-pickled reindeer! Too much!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Metchosin
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 11:44 PM

Gee guys! when I heard "glowing pickles" my mind turned to fields of Los Alamos? cucumbers.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Metchosin
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 11:45 PM

like you ideas much better!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Amos
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 11:51 PM

You could really gallop headfirst down that path -- a song with lines like, "Oh, the pickles of Bikini, it is said they glow at night..." but I (for one) am not sure I want to go there! -- racial guilt or something -- I like Tony, the Incandescent Reindeer myself. Or ...maybe the Three Mile Island Pickle is the theme for it...

Musingly,

A.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Metchosin
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 11:57 PM

you can go down that path as long as you keep your mind in the vegetable garden......

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: sophocleese
Date: 28 Jan 00 - 11:59 PM

My vegetable love should grow, / Vaster than empires, and more slow.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Metchosin
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:10 AM

Its uses I will ponder now Ah yes, to sooth a maidens brow! Or on Earl's sandwich, sliced and green But never with a Queen be seen.

How does this relate to glowing pickles?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:13 AM

How can I vote for ONE of these fine songs??? Just simply a fantastic job all around.

And uh, Famous Amos....I talked it over with Cleigh and Cletus, Paw, Buford, and the Reg boys and we all hear a gospel kinda' tune to yours, more country somehow, along the lines of Dolly's "Coat of Many Colors" or something.

I fear we are also adding another piece of Mudcat Folklore here and I'd like to apologize once again for throwing out some whacky-ass piece of tripe which somehow catches on. But since it may, I'd suggest that whistles shaped like possums may be difficult to get, but gawd knows anybody can convert a KAZOO to look like a PICKLE!!! So if this keeps up, I'd say we might consider the Pickle Kazoo as an Official Mudcat Instrument.

Spaw

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:20 AM

I don't know, Spaw . . . If they can make a whistle that looks like a weiner, why couldn't they make a kazoo that looks like a pickle? But, remember, it would have to glow in the dark!

And as far as Amos playing like Dolly -- well, I've heard him sing, and I just cannot imagine him pickin' with long pink glued-on fingernails! And Amos, don't you dare shatter my illusions on this point, either!

The Official Mudcat Pickle Kazoo -- I like it, Spaw. And it would look great on a T-shirt, too . . .

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Metchosin
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:28 AM

My vegetable love should grow,
Vaster than empires, and more slow.
Its uses I will ponder now,
Ah yes, to sooth a maidens brow!
Or on Earl's sandwich, sliced and green
But never with a Queen be seen.
An incandescent pickle? No!
But it can make a Lady glow.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:30 AM

The words of Martin Luther King rang from every steeple
To praise the Brotherhood of Man, the Pride of all his People
"Let's move on to the day," said he," with hearts no longer fickle
When a man's not judged by hue of skin, but by the brightness of his pickle"

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: sophocleese
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:39 AM

Marvellous Metchosin!

The jar's a fine and private place, but none I think do there embrace.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: sophocleese
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:40 AM

Marvellous Metchosin!

The jar's a fine and private place, but none I think do there embrace.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: sophocleese
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:40 AM

Marvellous Metchosin!

The jar's a fine and private place, but none I think do there embrace.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: sophocleese
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:40 AM

Marvellous Metchosin!

The jar's a fine and private place, but none I think do there embrace.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: sophocleese
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:44 AM

Sorry about that my computer's getting tired.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:46 AM

Incandescent Pickle II

(Tune: Universal Soldier, by Buffy Sainte Marie)
 
 

It's centimeters wide, and its seven inches long,
It's seen with longing and with fear,
It's known to have no conscience, but it never knows to stop,
It's been a Pickle for a million years.

IIt's smoother than a baby's face, and wrinkled like a prune,
It's heavy, and its scary, and it's light;
And it promises to satisfy, and often badly fails
And how it burns, when you turn it on at night!

It's the Incandescent Pickle, and it drives its men insane!
They gyre and they posture and they howl!
It's the soul of what they are, its their courage and their name!
They'd love to snuff it,  but they don't know how!

It 's motivated murders, made the Vikings leave their homes,
It 's made the gentle poet go to war!
In its fluorescent spasm in defense of protoplasm,
It can leave the strongest hero on the floor!!

But without it why would Bonaparte have murdered half of France?
Without one wouldn't Stalin have been dull?!
Though it may seem Incandescent, in its heart it's prepubescent!
All it wants is someone with a little pull.

It's the Incandescent pickle, and it's never gonna change
There's no call to let it dominate your mind!!
And no matter where it hides, as it takes its little rides
This is not the highest purpose we can find!
This is not the highest purpose we can find!
 

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:47 AM

Yes! Truly a Marvell!

Had we but world enough, and brine,
this tartness, Lady, were just fine
But at my back I always hear
Time's prodding fork tines hurrying near

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Metchosin
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:49 AM

Amos......WOW!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:50 AM

Ah, sweet mother of all that's holy,Amos...the Incandescent Pickle II is a howler!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Metchosin
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 12:54 AM

I'm going to have to start wearing "golf diapers" if I keep hanging around here. I just laughed so hard I wet my pants.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 01:08 AM

I think that one will do it Amos! LMAO

Spaw

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 01:13 AM

(Bows and faints dead on the floor from exertion)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 01:17 AM

Yeah,,,Kick back and hum a pickle.........

Spaw

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 01:20 AM

Is that like gherkin off? Key?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 01:24 AM

Only if you're a midget. Personally mine's a dill(y).

Spaw

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 01:33 AM

Lavender's blue dilly dilly! Lavender's green!

Remember never to put your pickle in a pickle slicer. It'll get you both fired!

A.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Metchosin
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 01:48 AM

I don't wanna pickle
Just wanna ride my motorsickle!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Amos
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 02:00 AM

I used to feel that way about my Norton.

But I always wondered if maybe calling it motor sickle implied something like an automated scything machine.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: catspaw49
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 02:22 AM

That pickle slicer doesn't sound like anything I'd relish.

Spaw

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 03:04 AM

Sophocleese, I always liked Marvell's poem, but I never anticipated it would so illuminate a point. Why was his mistress coy? Cuz he was radioactive?

--seed

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 08:28 PM

Inch by inch
Glow by glow
Gonna watch my pickle grow
Gonna watch my pickle grow
An' I'll use it night and day!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: sophocleese
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 08:40 PM

Quoth the pickle,"Everglow."

Last night I went to bed with this line revolving in my head: I had nightmares.

Amos, now I may go to bed for more strange dreams as I dream of the Incandescent Pickle II. That's great one.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Caitrin
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 08:59 PM

Oh my goodness...it's a good thing I just turned 18!

Actually, I think it would be pretty easy to convert a regular kazoo into a pickle kazoo. All it takes is wire (or toothpicks and rubber bands), green tissue paper (or construction paper), a marker (optional) and some time! And maybe a little glue and/or tape.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 09:03 PM

Go for it, Caitrin! And we want to see the pictures when you're done!

-- Áine

(Maybe we could get you together with Mbo for a concert with his Mudcat-shaped Guitar!)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 09:30 PM

Great stuff. Fit for the tradition.

Here's a song Alan Sealey (who suddenly died a few weeks back) and his brother Dave, who comprised Cosmotheka, had as a trade mark. From the DT: A LITTLE BIT OF CUCUMBER

I was raised on cucumber and on my wedding day,
When the fun was over and the guests had gone away,
My old darling said to me, "You must be hungry Joe!
Is there anything you fancy?", I says, "Fancy? Don't you know?"

Chorus:
I like pickled onions, I like piccalilli,
Pickled cabbage is all right with a bit of cold meat on a Sunday night,
I can go tomatoes, but what I do prefer
Is a little bit of cucum, cucum, cucum, little bit of cucumber.

I went flying through the air with my old college chum
Suddenly he told me we were bound for kingdom come
Have you any last requests before we wear a crown
I began to shake and said, write this confession down
(Chorus)

To the Lord Mayor's banquet I got in one foggy day
When I saw the grub it took my appetite away,
Sparrow grass and chaffinches and pig's heads stuffed with jam
I said to the waiter there, "You don't know who I am."
(Chorus)

Several years of married life have brought me lots of joys,
I've got six or seven girls, and I don't know how many boys,
When the last one came to town I looked at his forehead.
It was marked with a cucumber and this is what he said
Chorus:
I like pickled onions, I like piccalilli,
Pickled cabbage is all right with a bit of cold meat on a Sunday night,
I can go tomatoes-es, but what I do prefer
Is a little bit of cucum, I come, you come, a little bit of cucumber.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 09:42 PM

Thank you, Kevin, for reminding us all of Alan.

I must say that I've thought of pickles/cucumbers in this fashion before. Very enlightening, fellas!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Caitrin
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 09:48 PM

Aine, just the thought of a kazoo and non-tuned, wire strung, fish-shaped guitar concert is scaring me. : ) But when I manage to build the pickle kazoo (just call me the Mudcat MacGyver--building strange instruments out of household objects), I'll take a picture and find some kind soul who will scan it in for me.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Sorcha
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 09:54 PM

OK, here goes. I can't compete with Amos, but I gotta join the fan club.
Do you have to have a pickle
To get a little tickle?
Do you need to have a vine
To let your bushel shine?
You with cutie "cumbers"
We without, we have your numbers
Sweet,sour,Kosher,dill
They all grow from the same little hill

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 29 Jan 00 - 09:59 PM

And on that note (?) I hereby end the FIRST EVER MUDCAT SONG CHALLENGE -- and the games go on folks, over on the SONG CHALLENGE! PART 2 thread -- click here -- with a new challenge . . .

One bite makes you larger, the other makes you small . .

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 30 Jan 00 - 04:52 PM

I once heard a song that I can only remember the chorus of....

It's long and green and it looks obscene
And it always has me burpin'
But I must confess, what I like best
Is a great big pickled gherkin!

I suspect it was Doc Cox, aka Ivor Biggun, on the BBC TV program 'That's Life', but I could be wrong....

LTS

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 08:33 AM

Catching up time!

To the tune of "You Rambling Boys Of Pleasure"

You rambling boys of pleasure
Pay heed unto these words I write
I own I am a rover
In rambling I take great delight
I cast my eye on a pretty girl
And wedding vows are soon forgot
But my pigeons have come home to roost
My game is up, now I've been caught

It was on a Friday evening
All in the merry month of May
I chanced upon a pretty maid
As home from work I made my way
We talked a while and walked a mile
Until before her door I stood
"Would you join me for a coffee, sir?"
I said "Would a bear shit in the woods?!"

One thing led to another thing
And soon upstairs we two did trip
She took me to her chamber
And there from her the clothes I stripped
Upon her neck and breasts and lips
Wet kisses then I did bestow
But my love became distracted by
The ringing of the telephone

"Hello? Who's that?" and then her face
Told a story I've often known
"Behold, your wife" she said to me
Proffering the telephone
And I had no excuse to make
Caught in flagrante, knickers down
And so I owned my deed for once
And challenged her to face me down

"I'll call the law" was her reply
"What I am doing is no crime"
"Then what about your felonies
For which you'll do a long, long time
If ever you were brought to book
If the law had once caught up with you
You leave me with no option, love
I do now hat I have to do."

A siren sounded close at hand
A knock came loudly on the door
And I fled from my lover's arms
No time to lift clothes from the floor
And out the window, gingerly
I jutted out my derriere
I never made it to the ground
Arrested I was in mid-air

I wish I was in Belfast town
And my true love along with me
Money to be plenty
And liquour to be flowing free
Instead I'm in the prison cell
And here I languish for a time
Betrayed by my heartless spouse
And paying dearly for my crimes

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: MMario
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 08:58 AM

Memories....like a pickle in the night....

Well done, DMC!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 09:04 AM

A brilliant 'ne'er-too-late' entry, derrymacash! You are hereby named a Winner of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Guinness Crest. Maith thú!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 11:15 AM

I was going to write more, but I think this says it all....

{Chorus}
Bad boys bad boys watchya gonna do
watchya gonna do whenthe come for you
Bad boys bad boys watchya gonna do
watchya gonna do whenthe come for you

Come on in, from, that pipe or we will shoot
You must be cold out there in your birthday suit
Adultery ain't a crime, but you should not do that
Specially when you wife turns out to be a rat

{Chorus}
Bad boys bad boys watchya gonna do
watchya gonna do whenthe come for you
Bad boys bad boys watchya gonna do
watchya gonna do whenthe come for you

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 03:13 PM

Ah, my darlin' Jack, that one set me to dancin'... ;-)

Your Bad Boys have won the Golden Cow Chip with Shamrock Cluster for a very high level of imagination, imagery, and/or creative use of language in a song! Congratulations!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 16 Aug 01 - 03:34 PM

Merci, merci.

I would have been happy with the cow chip.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: SharonA
Date: 17 Aug 01 - 10:52 AM

As promised in the "Paw Paw" thread, I'm here to post my parody of yet another Disney song...


THE BARE-NUTS ESCAPEE
(Tune: "The Bare Necessities" from Walt Disney's THE JUNGLE BOOK [animated version])

"Look for the bare-nuts escapee, the simply bare-nuts escapee.
Go get him out of her, please," said his wife.
"That mean ol' bare-nuts escapee – another woman's refugee –
So bring that bare-nuts escapee some strife!"

Whenever I ponder
My weird 911's
The man with no onder-
-wear on his buns
Would be a puzzlin' case, you see.
I took the call at 12:03...
"Would you look in Motel Six? My Lance
There takes his 'nancy'. If Lance's pants
In A-3 lie, it's true
The bare-nuts escapee will likely be there, too.
He'll be there, too.

"Look for the bare-nuts escapee, the simply bare-nuts escapee.
Go get him out of her, please," said his wife.
"That mean ol' bare-nuts escapee – he's lyin' there (her 'guest', you see)! –
Adjust that bare-nuts escapee's love-life!"

"Now, don't you pick the law, maw,"
To the prickly dear
I said. "Pricks we saw raw,
But let's try 'n' be clear.
Don't stick the prick, who cheats there, with the law."
"When you pick out where his arrest you saw,
Then you will heed this news from 'maw'.
When you pick, and stare at, the big law wa-
-rrant that's issued for him, too,
The bare-nuts escapee won't like it when you do
What you will do."

(instrumental law-break)

So then I got the facts: yeah, fool has got a record five blocks wide.
Now let me tell the dumb thing: little bitch is
In the act with the blue-jackets (uh-huh)
Door-knockin' outside!
They don't spend much time lookin' around
For out on a pipe he can be found
With his hind out in the wind, without
Any clothing on, just clingin' and shoutin':
"Zat me you're talkin' to??"
"Well, bare-nuts escapee, it's likely to be you,"
They said, "Yes, you!!!"

"Lock up that bare-nuts escapee, the simple bare-nuts escapee.
Go get him down from there. Please tell his wife:
"Your mean ol' bare-nuts escapee is in our care! So, rest; be free
Without that bare-nuts escapee for life!
Without that bare-nuts escapee for life!"
(Yeah, man!)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 17 Aug 01 - 10:56 AM

INSPIRED!!!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 17 Aug 01 - 11:14 AM

Sharon

That was wonderfully quirky and weird.

Waht is it about Disney songs an nudity??

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: SharonA
Date: 17 Aug 01 - 11:27 AM

Yup, that's me, quirky and weird! Thanks, guys.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: mousethief
Date: 17 Aug 01 - 05:41 PM

Well, in keeping with the "Disney" theme, I started with:

I wanna be where the pickles are
I wanna feel, wanna feel 'em dancin'

But for some reason just couldn't get any further. Aren't we glad!

The following, on the other hand, goes far too far.

The Long-Pickle Song
Tune: The Logical Song (Supertramp)

When I was young, it seemed that veggies were edible
Shreddable
Forgettable
Not petable
Then I joined the 4-H, and found that veggies were sowable
Growable
Showable
And knowable...

There are times when all the world's asleep
Then downstairs I will creep
I'm such a sinful Fran
Then I grab a pickle long and lean
And soon that pickle's clean

No, let's just not go there.

Alex

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: Áine
Date: 18 Aug 01 - 07:25 PM

SharonA,

I know you must be virtually afloat in a virtual Guinness shower (oh!); however, it's not my fault that you keep me on the floor with the dust bunnies, rolling with mirth . . . What a way to go!

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Guinness Crest (The Guinness Crest is awarded for causing both Harp Ribbon conditions within one song):

The Bare-Nuts Escapee by SharonA


-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE!
From: GUEST,Mr S
Date: 15 Mar 05 - 05:11 AM

The song was Great Big Pickled Gerkin by Stan Holden

Subject: RE: Song Challenge!
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Nov 11 - 07:33 AM

It was Stan Holden with Bob Sharples And His Music – Great Big Pickled Gherkin