BS: Hatin' 'Puters

Subject: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 11:34 AM

This is a comparable response by a non-Catter to problems with those dern Windows thingis. But notice that, in the absence of the strong and compassionate support of the MudCat, this writer is violently inclined. Thus, with a little perspective, we can be grateful for our flourishing cult which offers us a kinder, gentler way to vent our frustrations -- writing lots of strained couplets. (BTW are strained couplets allowed in public?)

> I want to hurt my computer.

> > I want to buy a software program that, when run, causes my computer to >suffer grievously, though not permanently.

> > When my screen freezes or turns blue, I want a special button I can push >to make the CPU start squealing like a motherboard.

> > I want a device that stores an electrical charge in my telephone. For >every minute I spend on hold waiting for technical support to answer, the >charge would increase in intensity.
When the guy from tech support finally >answers, the electrical bolt of energy would be discharged into him. This >should not affect my ability to hear what's going on at the other end of the >line, of course.

> > And a special function would allow the volts to double every time a >tape-recorded message urges me to continue holding. "Your call is important >to us," the caressing voice always claims.

> > I want my phone to be outfitted with a translation program which will >reconstitute this irritating reminder into the truth: "Actually, we already >have your money, so we couldn't care less. Our technical support department >consists of two college kids, both of whom are busy playing Doom. >Eventually, one of them will come on the line, but it will be the one who >doesn't speak English."

> > I want my modem to sense when my PC has committed an "illegal >function" and issue a warrant to arrest Bill Gates. When my system >crashes and I lose a file that has taken me more than an hour to >create, I want someone from the computer company to come out and >retype it for me.

> > I don't understand why new, "upgraded" software creates files that > cannot >be read by old, reliable software with the same name. Is there no one in the >computer industry who has noticed that word processor files all look alike >once they are open? Why can't 6.0 recognize a 7.0 file? It's all just >words, isn't it?

> > There should be a rule that when software engineers buy a new car, their >old cars should cease to function. If they don't understand why this is >happening, they should call me and I will explain it to them.

> > How come when my computer catches a virus, I'm the one who misses work? >I want to know why my printer always jams on the last piece of paper or the >last sheet of checks. When this happens, it makes me want to put sandpaper >into the manual feed and print the Emancipation Proclamation.

> > I am really tired of hearing about all the things that happened with >Y2K. Why didn't anybody ever ask these computer programmers how in the world >they didn't know the year 2000 would follow the year 1999? Software >engineers are supposed to be pretty bright people - what did they need - a >memo or something?

> > I bought a program that was supposed to tell me if my computer files are >Y2K-compliant. The program wouldn't work because - get this - my CD-ROM >player is too old (I bought it 34 months ago). The manufacturer doesn't sell >an "updated driver." Thus, to find out if my computer is Y2K-compliant, I >need to buy another computer.

> > I want to know what good is a Web search engine that returns 324,909,188 >"matches" to my keyword. That's like saying, "Good news, we've located the >product you want. It's on Earth."

> > I want to know why, when I had a tiny hard drive, my operating system > was >virtually crash-proof and took up so little space. My new operating system is five times the size of my original hard drive. With every "upgrade," it seems to grow 75 percent. That's as if every time your mother-in-law came to visit she weighed another 500 pounds.

Now I've learned that my PC no longer "recognizes" my floppy drive! How >could they not recognize each other? They live together in the same little >tower!

> > Please understand, I don't hate my computer...I just want to hurt it every once in a while!

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: GUEST,canoer
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 11:43 AM

Amos, buddy, you should write a book. But reconsider jolting the tech support guys, it's not their fault if Microsoft hires 4 people when they need 400 to give good service. Thanks for the laughs!

Subject: ADD: Reload ^^
From: GUEST,Patrish
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 12:02 PM

Sung to the tune of "Rawhide!")

RELOAD

Loading, loading, loading,
Damn this Java coding,
Feeling of foreboding, Reload!
The Applet says it's running,
And that big gray block is stunning,
But the screen remains as blank as my mind
Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
Net goes down, Dial back!
Logging on, Still off-line!
Reload!

Try it now, Still not up!
Netscape crashed, What, again?
Boot it up,
Log it in,
Reload!

Tighten, tweaking', smoothen,
They say the codes improvin',
So how come I'm still usin' "reload"?
I'm tired of all this waitin',
Just give me .gif animation,
This code is only good for wasting time,
The applet says it's running,
And gray block is quite stunning,
But the screen remains as blank as my mind,
(Midi solo)
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
Beep, beep,

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
Beep, beep,

Netscape crash, Boot 'em up!
Net goes down, Dial back!
Logging on, Still off-line!
Reload!

Try it now, Still not up!
Netscape crashed, What, again?
Boot it up, Log it in,
Reload! Reload!

- Author Unknown ^^

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 12:05 PM

LMAO!
This Silicon Revolution sure has given us an opportunity to regenrate a lot of our favorite themes in new context. This one is a gem!

A.

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Sorcha
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 12:11 PM

It's no doubt because Dr. Seuss wrote the manuals!!!!!VERY VERY GOOD!!! It's even worse if you're as illierate as I am.

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: GUEST,Auxiris
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 01:23 PM

I'd just like to point out, if I may, that "pute" is the French word for prostitute. . .

cheers, Auxiris

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Amos
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 01:31 PM

Double entendres are a specialty here, Auxiris! Puters and putains are first cousins. They both make money from something that longs to be free!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Micca
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 01:52 PM

Amos, love your list, these devices are known as "confusers" where I work, 'cos if you wern't you soon will be. Patrish love the song, should go in the songbook!!! amos , love your songs too!!

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Áine
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 02:10 PM

Dear Auxiris and others,

Oh dear, between the 'puters, putains, and Mr. Putin in Moscow, what hope for us is there in 2000! Maybe the Y2Ker's had the right idea -- gird your loins and your code and take your Fannie up to the hills!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Molly Malone
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 02:20 PM

Sorry, but I'm firmy convinced that Y2K was a plot by the toilet paper companies. :) Do we have a Y2K song in the songbook?

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Áine
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 02:32 PM

You betcha Miss Molly! It's Mudcat's Y2K For What It's Worth by Dave (the ancient mariner). Enjoy -- it's one of his best!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: kendall
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 02:54 PM

Thanks you guys..very clever. Had all I could do to keep from laughing!!

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 03:05 PM

I just want a program that makes it say AYE AYE SIR! when I hit enter... All mine ever says is "You stupid F#%ker have'nt you learned the right command yet"

Thanks for the kind word about the Y2K song Aine I just hope nobody from Buffalo Springfield show up on my doorstep and punches me out fer ruining their song. Yours,Aye.Dave

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Mbo
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 03:08 PM

HoHaHo! Loved the "Rawhide" parody! Classic stuff! Especially for someone who spend lots of hours with incorrigable computers!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Molly Malone
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 03:13 PM

Coming from someone with 3 computers on her desk currently, I LOVE IT! I wished I had seen it sooner. Anyone have one with a more Irish aire?

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Áine
Date: 31 Jan 00 - 05:05 PM

I have placed 'Reload!' submitted by Patrish upon the honored songs on the Mudcat Songbook. Please see 'Part II - Additions to Mudcat Songbook' for a very special announcement.

Th-th-th-th-th-that's All Folks, Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: GUEST,Patrish
Date: 01 Feb 00 - 11:06 AM

Many many apologies for the format - I have tried for ages to sort it out, but failed miserably...

What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Technical Documentation?

Here's an easy game to play.
Here's an easy thing to say: .

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, .
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, .
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk
abort, .
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to
report! .

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, .
And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the
trash, .
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't
hash, .
Then your situation's hopeless and your system's
gonna
crash! .

You can't say this? .
What a shame, Sir! .
We'll find you.
Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your
mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the
hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of
gauss.
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the
disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to
RAM your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom
^^

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Áine
Date: 01 Feb 00 - 11:11 AM

Oh Patrish! That was great! May I enter it into the Songbook, please??

So, does this mean that RTFM would now stand for 'Read The Funny Manual"?

-- Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 00 - 11:21 AM

LOL anew! It's not properly written by a 'Cat, but it should be up there to be memorialized anyway, it is so funny. It has been on the e-mail circuit for a few years and I never have found out who the author was. Thanks for bringing it to the fore!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Áine
Date: 01 Feb 00 - 11:22 AM

Then 'Author Unknown' it shall be . . . Can you come up with an appropriate title, Amos?

-- Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 00 - 11:40 AM

I always think of it as "When a Packet Hits a Pocket..", or you could call it "Dr Seuss' User Manual!"

A

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Áine
Date: 01 Feb 00 - 11:43 AM

'When A Packet Hits A Pocket' it is! For all your help, there's an extra scone for you in the kitchen . . . but, don't tell MMario!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 00 - 11:50 AM

Ah, um, I'll foller ye right in there just now, milady

Scones, aye!!

A

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 01 Feb 00 - 02:09 PM

I got 318 messages on my mail at work - is that a record?

And Art, the correct term for what you want to do to your computer is PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE, try it, it works!

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 01 Feb 00 - 02:10 PM

Sorry Art, I meant Amos, and I only started work yesterday....

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Hatin' 'Puters
From: Amos
Date: 01 Feb 00 - 02:24 PM

Well, I don't have that problem myself -- the "I want to hurt my computer" bit was imported from outside, and they should get one of those little plastic hammers withthe sound chip in it that m akes the breaking glass sound play when you whack it. :>) Percussive maiintenance is just the thing for separating the chips from the salsa! More than once I've repaired a bad behaving box just by pressing down on the cards, loosened by an excess of the very percussion meant to persuade it!
Last week a had to run off to a client whose monitor had failed right in the middle of a crucial job. She'd tried everything (she said). I asked her if she had checked the power and she said, of course she had! So I ran up -- it wasn't far -- and quickly found she had indeed checked the power plug at the supply end; but had loosened the other end of it at the monitor. Quickly fixed, to her delight!

A.