BS: One Liners

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 10:12 AM

KORF'S JOKE

Korf has invented a new kind of joke:
The point comes only many hours after.
All listen to them with disdain and boredom.

But like the light that shineth in the darkness
They rouse you from your slumbers wildly gurgling,
Holding your sides and laughing like a drain.

Christian Morgenstern
(trans. RFC Hull)

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 09:56 AM

Our first CD was a million-seller. Yeah, we still have a million copies down in the cellar.

We just signed a big contract with Columbia Records. [Wait for applause.] Yeah, we only have to buy 6 CD's in the next two years, and we get 12 free ones.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,The Beanster
Date: 06 Mar 00 - 09:41 AM

If sex took John Barrymore "the least amount of time," no wonder it caused him trouble.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 10:35 PM

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.

Sex: The thing that take up the least amount of time and causes the greatest amount of trouble. John Barrymore

troll

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,The Beanster
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 09:46 PM

Catspaw49, Thanks for the chuckle! I actually giggled out loud when I read your little telescope joke. Too funny!

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,thomas the rhymer
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 03:06 PM

He was so thin, he had to jump around in the shower,... just to get wet.

cocaine is GOD's little way of telling you that you've got too damn much money.

jack sprat could eat no fat, his wife could eat no lean,.. so whatdoyaknow between them both they licked the platter clean...

why, that's so simple, an eight year old kid could figure it out,... so,..... whatareyastandinaround for?... go get an eight year old kid, and we"ll be done before you know it!

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: BlueJay
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 02:05 PM

W.C.Fields, on his deathbed, was seen to be reading The Bible. When asked what he was doing, he replied, "Looking for loopholes".

Harold Ross, possibly to James Thurber, interviewing for a position at The New Yorker: "...and don't think you'll be starting as a reporter. You'll begin as Managing Editor like everyone else".

The Dorothy Parker line listed in GUEST, Frankie's post was her response when asked to use the word "horticulture" in a sentence: "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think".

A lady remarked to James Thurber that his stories seemed even funnier in French than in English. He said, "Yes, I always seem to lose something in the original".

At first, I was hesitant to join The Mudcat Cafe. As Groucho Marx so aptly put it: "I would never belongto any club that would allow me as a member".

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Homeless (somewhere else)
Date: 05 Mar 00 - 01:02 AM

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: pastorpest
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 03:17 PM

Sorry to throw in a serious one from a philosopher, Neitsche, whom I don't even care for, but I like the one liner.

Life with out music would be a mistake.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: simon-pierre
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 11:05 PM

The world is a stage, said Shakespeare. What a bad casting! - Felix Leclerc

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Mooh
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 10:39 AM

My old friend, teacher, and fishing buddy, George, now sadly passed on, used to say of those he thought may have used bad judgement, "He's put his nose where I wouldn't put a stick." He also valued hindsight...

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 07:17 PM

So long, folks! If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 Feb 00 - 11:13 PM

Aw, I do thank ye, kind sir, but no, I'll be goin' home with the gent what brung me, and it's prayin' f'yer souls we'll be too!

The gel ye thought were me on the shore's but a shadow of me former self, which now's a lass o'light from deep inside.

So I'll thank ye and yer kind lads to keep yer good shi* ta yersel's!

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 15 Feb 00 - 08:39 PM

Never ye mind, pretty Praise...you can use ours.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 15 Feb 00 - 07:52 PM

And she was waiting for the tide at the Mudcat Island Folk Festival...

Where she lingers longingly on the languid shore,

yet knowing her ship won't come in no more.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: kendall
Date: 15 Feb 00 - 07:44 PM

She was so ugly, the tide wouldn't take her out.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Feb 00 - 08:11 PM

My favorite source of one-liners (and two-liners) is comedian Steven Wright. Examples:

"The sign in the restaurant said, 'Breakfast any time', so I said 'I'll have French toast during the Renaissance.'"

"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before."

"I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically."

There are dozens of web sites that list these. Use your search engine to find them.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 14 Feb 00 - 01:43 PM

The big D, the gift that keeps on giving.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Fortunato
Date: 14 Feb 00 - 01:34 PM

Here's a few: You're so lazy, that if you woke up with nothing to do today, you'd go to bed with it only half done.

It's no fun to drink alone until you've had a few.

Good evening, ladies, gentlemen, and those of you who have had the operation

The early bird may get the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I'm trying to look at things from your point of view, but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

And remember, if you are baroque, it just means that you are out of Monet.

I remember the first time I kissed a girl; we were seventeen. Seventeen? Yes. She was eight and I was nine, and that made us seventeen

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Marriage (Divorce) has allowed me to I work myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

On our second honeymoon my wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

The drummer's girl friend had long blonde hair. It was a foot long and grew out of her left nostril. She caught a cold and almost flogged herself to death.

I don't like to drink...but it's the only way I can get it down.

Cheers, Fortunato

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 14 Feb 00 - 01:33 PM

From the mouth of an Alabamian:

She was so ugly she coudn't sneak up on a stump.

They hit him with the ugly stick, and they used the whole tree.

She ain't wrapped too tight.

Don't get your panties in a wad. (Other regions' variants, knickers in a twist, etc.)

From my mother: When they were handing out brains, she thought they said trains, so she asked for a slow one. (There are hundreds of variants)

An old one: Did you hear about the [ethnic group] [or hair color] bank robber? S/he tied up the safe and blew the guard.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 14 Feb 00 - 01:22 PM

It is not troll the ancient yuletide carol, but troll the ancient. If I went trolling for Carol, my wife would have my head on a platter a'la John the Baptist! And I have paid my toll thank you very much!

Death is natures way of telling you to slow down. More for hecklers. (I've played some tough places)

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. You must use that personality for birth control. If I throw a stick, Will you leave? I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. And lastly: I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Art Thieme
Date: 14 Feb 00 - 01:05 PM

Death is natures way of getting your family off your back!!!!!!!!! ;-)

Art

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From:
Date: 13 Feb 00 - 09:33 AM

ithink it was bessie braddock who said that to w.churchill she also said that "if i was your wife i'd poison you" to which he replied "if i was your husband i'd drink it"

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Frankie
Date: 13 Feb 00 - 09:01 AM

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.- laurie anderson

You can lead a whore to culture but you can't make her think. - Dorothy Parker (this in no way represents my opinion of practitioners of the oldest profession. I just like her clever twist on an old saw.) F

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Pene Azul
Date: 12 Feb 00 - 10:03 PM

"Jazz is not dead—it just smells funny."
Frank Zappa (1973)

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Hagbardr
Date: 12 Feb 00 - 09:28 PM

Insults somewhat disguised as compliments:

You're as tough as nails and twice as smart! You're as smart as you are handsome!

Hagbard

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wildlone
Date: 12 Feb 00 - 08:29 PM

There stands Ladies and Gentlemen,a person who tried to join the human race,and failed.
dave

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Callie
Date: 12 Feb 00 - 07:38 AM

2 insults:

You're as dumb as a box of hair.

You're so dumb it's like the wheel is spinning but the hamster's dead.

Callie

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Eric the Viking
Date: 12 Feb 00 - 06:25 AM

Hermione Gingold I believe was being upstaged by another actress and apparently has (in the play) to place her empty champagne glass on the table- she put a spot of gum underneath the glass and put the glass overhanging the edge of the table- for the rest of the play all eyes were on the glass waiting for it to fall! Wasn't she also the woman that met a famous writer who had used the word "fudge" in his book as a swear word and said to him "So you are the young man that can't spell fuck"? Eric

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: kendall
Date: 11 Feb 00 - 08:33 AM

Clearly, some of you are not threaded all the way on.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 11:18 PM

Troll, if your dottage is soft you need another thread entirely. Perhaps the effects of being too long in the tavern have taken their toll. troll.

Now is it REALLY toll or troll the ancient yuletide carol?

You must tell us!

Why would anyone go trolling for Carol?

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:53 PM

Burble burble burble vroom

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:06 PM

Yer on. I'll bring the drinks.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 10:03 PM

ROFLMAO, Troll -- deal -- I'll letcha drive the Injun soon...

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:49 PM

Amos I'm gonna let you have this one for free and it ain't often that I pass up a straight line like that. I must be gettin soft in my dottage.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Amos
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:41 PM

Naaa, you guys just haven't been enchanted; besides, with the kind of dough she must have in the Goddess business, if I play my cards right in the limo, I'll get me a like-new Indian. Whoooeee. :>)

You gotta know I couldn't have made that jump with a D-28 and an anal probe.

A

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: GUEST,Brendy
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:40 PM

Offended lady, on spotting that Oscar Wilde's trousers were not totally buttoned up.

"Mr. Wilde, your penis is sticking out!!"

"You flatter yourself Madame, it is hanging out."

"If my dog had a face like yours, I'd shave it's arse and teach it to walk backwards." - not O. Wilde
B.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:37 PM

Damn! Wrong thread! I need to get more rest. And up my medication. that reply should have been on hte tavern thread.

(a very red-faced)

troll

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:32 PM

Thanks Spaw. I kinda wondered about it is all. You can find goddesses all over the place but a good bike doesn't come along every day.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:28 PM

Ita Ok Troll...Amos can act oddly at times. The aliens didn't remove their anal probe.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Hagbardr
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:22 PM

Amazing! You can have your head in the clouds AND your mind in the gutter!

Seen on a bumber sticker: Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Hagbard

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Troll
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 09:04 PM

Fulcrum. troll and art are NOT the same person .Neither are troll and Jeffpee the same,Amos. troll is troll . When he was born the doctor took a look and slapped his mother. troll is also the alter ego of John, a mild mannered postal worker in sunny Florida. John would never make bad jokes and especially not in a public forum. But troll would. Actually, John is retired from the PO. He was starting to worry them. He smiled a lot. They thought he was up to something. He wasn't. He had merely gotten the joke.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 08:33 PM

I think the Harpo story is more true than apocryphal. The Marx's were incredible characters. Always found it interesting that Woolcott and Harpo were such buddies. Opposites do attract.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Midchuck
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 08:24 PM

Here (in Rutland County, VT) we have Lake Bomoseen, in which lies Neshobe Island. Wolcott used to own it, and the whole Round Table vacationed there. One story is that Dorothy Parker arrived with no luggage except a large hat box, containing a large sun hat, which was her costume for the weekend.

The other legend is that Harpo Marx took it upon himself to protect the group from trespassers - people who landed boats on the island to see what was going on. He did this by leaping out of the bushes and running at them, naked and howling abuse.

There's a song there. Someday I'll get it written.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: catspaw49
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 08:01 PM

Dorothy Parker, upon the death of her husband, was asked by some poor woman, "Is there anything I can get you?" She replied, "Another man." The woman was appalled (she must not have known Dorothy Parker) and showed her displeasure to which Parker responded, "OK then, get me a ham sandwich."

Geeziz, I would have given anything to have been a fly on the wall at the Algonquinn Round Table. Those people had sarcastic wit down to a science. Woolcott, Parker, and of course, the quickest wit that may ever have lived, George Kaufman.

He was at a dinner party with another boring and chatty female guest. When she paused (briefly) in her ramblings, Kaufman asked, "Madam, do you have any UN-expressed thoughts?" Even as a child he had it. Someone he disliked, a relative I believe, was coming for a visit and his mother said (as all parents do), "It wouldn't hurt to be nice to her." George responded, "Well, that would depend upon your threshold of pain."

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 07:45 PM

The early worm gets the bird!

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Midchuck
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 07:35 PM

The one about Churchill reminded me.

George Bernard Shaw was, so it is told, accosted by one of the social belles, who said "Mr. Shaw, we should have a child together. Think what a wonderful child it would be, with your brains and my beauty!"

Shaw repied, of course, "Yes, madam, but what if it turned out to have your brains and my beauty?

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: kendall
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 07:14 PM

I saw Phyllis Diller on the beach the other day. With a full tan, she looked like a used pipe cleaner". Bob Hope

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: wysiwyg
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 06:41 PM

No, and it wasn't that I thought you all have such short attention spans either.

Subject: RE: BS: One Liners
From: Lanfranc
Date: 10 Feb 00 - 06:30 PM

Lady(?) to Winston Churchill - "Mr Churchill, you're drunk!"

WC to Lady - "Yes, madam, and you are ugly. When I wake tomorrow, I will be sober, but you will still be ugly!"

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