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BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG*
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Subject: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Helen Date: 18 Feb 00 - 10:33 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'Hi guys, Here I am, Ms Wet Blanket of 1999-2000. I haven't been joining in much over the last few months with the Mudcat community happenings and it is all because I ...want to kill my boss!! The sneaky, back stabbing, gutless #%$#@%+##@! I'm not going to go into the long, sordid story here, but I've been under a huge amount of stress over the last 10 months because of him and another (female) manager and I am just in the process now of getting my own back .... [wicked, gleeful giggling] ... in the most professional way, of course (tee hee!) Thank god(s) for Unions and clever Union Organisers (Hi Big Mick!, for other managers with ethics, for professional mediators, and for organisational counsellors. Well, I was reading the Mudcat thread titles the other day, looking at the BS threads and I realised that I had no interest in opening any of them - and then it came to me in a blinding revelatory flash, that I have *lost my sense of humour* (sob, sigh, moan) So, I need you all to help me find it. Jokes, funny stories, songs, you name it, all welcome. Especially songs about the meek inheriting the earth, or of the ilk of The Philadelphia Lawyer (in the database) (Now way back in old Pennsylvania, The lights are still shining as bright, But there's one less Philadelphia lawyer In old Philadelphia tonight.) or about the downtrodden fighting back. Think of the scene in the Crocodile Dundee movie where the kangaroo starts "shooting" back - I laughed till I cried when I first saw that scene. I thought the blow fly reference, and the subway scene were a scream too, but I think you have to be from Oz to get those two jokes. So, to start the ball rolling, the most appropriate song which springs to my mind is The Union Maid (it's in the database) UNION MAID (Woody Guthrie) There once was a union maid Who never was afraid Of goons and ginks and company finks And deputy sheriffs who made the raids She went to the union hall When a meeting it was called, And when the Legion boys came 'round She always stood her ground. cho: Oh, you can't scare me, I'm sticking to the union, I'm sticking to the union,I'm sticking to the union Oh, you can't scare me, I'm sticking to the union, I'm sticking to the union till the day I die. Helen - hanging out the wet blanket to dry - at last
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Art Thieme Date: 18 Feb 00 - 10:42 PM Helen, Check out the REVENGE thread. I think it was called SONGS OF REVENGE. All the best to you. Art |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: fulurum Date: 18 Feb 00 - 10:46 PM a dog walks into a bar with a bloody leg. he looks around for a minute, then he says to the bartender, i'm looking for the man who shot my paw. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Dave (the ancient mariner) Date: 18 Feb 00 - 10:57 PM Honey I can't get the car started. I think it's flooded. Where is it? In the swimming pool. My wife is a real angel. Always up in the air, and harping about something.. Whats the difference between bagpipes and onions? Nobody cries when you chop up bagpipes.. Cheer up Helen mate, you'll get it back..Yours,Aye.Dave |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 18 Feb 00 - 11:02 PM Helen; the best revenge is living well. Trust me. I've been where you are and I know. Whats the difference between bagpipes and a trampoline? You take off yer shoes to jump on a trampoline. troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 18 Feb 00 - 11:56 PM Helen, Hi! Nice to meetcha, I'm a *newbie* (groan). I will send some things your way... in the meantime there are some really nasty Psalms I would encourage you to review-- open the book anywhere and chances are it will be.. memorable. A line I like from the Bible is, "Wise as the serpent, gentle as the dove." It's knowing which calls for which. I also HIGHLY recommend the movie Falling Down for quick release. But skip the end. Hang in there!!! BTW, if your sense of humor really is lost, I am sure you will find it skulking under a table at the Mudcat Cafe. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: fulurum Date: 19 Feb 00 - 12:03 AM hey i just cleaned up my apartment, and among other things i found an extra sense of humor, if you need it, it's yours.it really sucks losing stuff. my girlfriend lost her virginty a long time ago, but luckily she still has the box it came in. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Night Owl Date: 19 Feb 00 - 12:14 AM Glad to see you back Helen...was wondering where you were. Sounds like you could really use a FUN date!!!!! Check out Wed. archived radio show AND the current auction if you missed it. HAS to cheer you up, (Amos sang tunes from the Mudcat songbook.) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Jimmy Date: 19 Feb 00 - 12:27 AM Fulurum reminds me of the time when my buddy, Walter McCorrisken, won the title "Scotland's Worst Poet" from the Glasgow Herald newspaper with this gem (in the Glasgow dialect): A three-legged dug (dog) rode westward wan (one) day, Doon tae (down to) the jile (jail) at Moosejaw. "Sheriff", he said, on unsteady leg, "Sheriff, Ah've (I've)come for ma (my) paw!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 19 Feb 00 - 07:50 AM A man was hauled into court for violating the Endangered Species act. He had shot a California Condor, and the judge socked him with a thousand dollar fine. The he asked him why he did it, and the man said "I wanted to see what it tasted like." The judge said, "Well, I could throw you in jail for 5 years, but, I'm not going to because you killed it to eat. But tell me, what did it taste like? The man replied, "A lot like Bald Eagle." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: bob schwarer Date: 19 Feb 00 - 07:56 AM ALBERT AND THE LION There's a famous seaside place called Blackpool That's noted for fresh air and fun And Mr. and Mrs. Ramsbottom Went there with young Albert, their son. A fine little lad were young Albert, All dressed in his best, quite a swell. He'd a stick with an 'orse's 'ead 'andle; The finest that Woolworth's could sell. They didn't think much to the ocean, The waves they were piddlin' and small. There were no wrecks and nobody drownded, 'Fact, nothin' to laugh at at all! So, seeking for further amusement, They paid, and went into the zoo, Where they'd lions and tigers and camels And cold ale and sandwiches, too. There were one great big lion called Wallace Whose nose was all covered with scars; He lay in a som-no-lent posture With the side of 'is face on the bars. Now Albert 'ad 'eard about lions- 'Ow they was ferocious and wild; To see lion lyin' so peaceful Just didn't seem right to the child. So straightway the brave little feller, Not showin' a morsel of fear, Took 'is stick with the 'orse's 'ead 'andle And stuck it in Wallace's ear. You could see that the lion din't like it, For givin' a kind of a roll, 'E pulled Albert inside the cage with 'im And swallered the little lad - 'ole! Now Mother 'ad seen this occurrence, And not knowin' what to do next, She 'ollered "Yon lion's et Albert!" An' Father said "Ee, I am vexed." They complained to an animal keeper Who said "My, wot a nasty mis'ap; Are you sure it's your boy 'e's eaten?" Pa said, "Am I sure? There's 'is cap!" The manager 'ad to be sent for; 'E came and 'e said "Wot's to-do?" Ma said "Yon lion's et Albert, And 'im in 'is Sunday clothes, too!" Father said "Right's right, young feller- I think it's a shame and a sin To 'ave our son et by a lion And after we paid to come in." The manager wanted no trouble; He took out his purse right away, Sayin' "'Ow much to settle the matter?" Pa said "Wot do you usually pay?" But Mother 'ad turned a bit awkward When she saw where 'er Albert 'ad gone. She said "No, someone's got to be summonsed!" So that was decided upon. And off they all went to p'lice station In front of a Magistrate chap; They told what 'ad 'appened to Albert And proved it by showing 'is cap. The Magistrate gave 'is opinion That no one was really to blame, And 'e said that 'e 'oped the Ramsbottoms Would 'ave further sons to their name. At that Mother got proper blazin': "And thank you, sir, kindly," said she- "Wot, spend all our lives raisin' children To feed ruddy lions? Not me!" Recorded by Stanley Halloway
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Pinetop Slim Date: 19 Feb 00 - 07:58 AM A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer walk into a bar. Bartender looks at them and says: "Is this the start of a joke?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: harpgirl Date: 19 Feb 00 - 08:07 AM ...a doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. But by midmorning he decided he would try to make amends and he phoned home. After many rings his wife finally picked up the phone. "What took you so long sweetheart?" "I was in bed" "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: harpgirl Date: 19 Feb 00 - 08:09 AM ...oh and Helen try to stay in shape...My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety seven today and we don't know where the hell she is!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: harpgirl Date: 19 Feb 00 - 08:12 AM ...oh and guys remember...divorce is painful. There's an easy way to save yourself alot of trouble. Just find a woman you hate and buy her a house!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Jeri Date: 19 Feb 00 - 09:17 AM Lots of boss-related humor at The Dilbert Zone Can't think of any anti-boss or anti-general authority jokes presently. I had one boss-from-hell. He once told me I would inevitably run into someone I liked worse than him. I never have and doubt I will. (There was a song I posted that only one Mudcatter seemed to notice which was based largely on my perception of his personality. I guess the experience was good for something.) I kept a copy of a book titled "How to Deal With Difficult People" in an obvious place on my desk. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Jon Freeman Date: 19 Feb 00 - 09:24 AM Jeri, I am getting really worried - are you sure you aren't psychic? I was just considering posting a link to Dilbert. And Bob, thanks - haven't seen Albert and the Lion for a few years. Jon |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: JenEllen Date: 19 Feb 00 - 09:43 AM So..this old fella decides he's going to give Viagra a try, and tells his wife. On his way out the door to the doctors he notices his wife right behind him with her coat. "I'm going to the doctor's...Why are you going?" he asks. "Well," she says,"if you are planning on using that rusty old thing...I'm getting a tetanus shot." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Liz the Squeak Date: 19 Feb 00 - 10:40 AM HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! - loved the joke from Kendall - hope the sense of humour is getting better. I found my feelings towards a former boss were helped a great deal by suggesting to my therapist that I rip her head off and spit down her neck (my boss, not the therapist). The best one though was this. Get the pattern for a rag doll with seperate limbs - not an all in one jobby. Cut out the pieces and sew them up but instead of sewing the head and limbs on, leave them unattached and sew them up. Sew fasteners like poppers, press studs or velcro (hook tape) where they would join, and then you can have fun ripping the limbs off and chucking them across the office. Great for stress relief and keeping the toddler amused! LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 19 Feb 00 - 10:48 AM Hope these help, they helped me one day at work. WORDS TO LIVE BY Never trust a dog to watch your food. Patrick, Age 10 When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents. Matthew, Age12 Never talk back to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. Andrew, Age 9 Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. Rocky, Age 9 Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. Stephanie, Age 8 Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. Carol, Age 9 Don't flush the toilet when your dad's in the shower. Lamar, Age 10 Don't ever be too full for dessert. Kelly, Age 10 Never bug a pregnant mom. Nicholas, Age 11 When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. Heather, Age 16 Never tell your mom her diet's not working. Michael, Age 14 Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. Joel, Age12 When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. Alyesha, Age 13 Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do what your mom told you to do. Hank, Age 12 Remember you're never too old to hold your father's hand. Molly, Age 11 Listen to your brain. It has lots of information. Chelsey, Age 7 Stay away from prunes. Randy, Age 9 Never dare your little brother to paint the family car. Phillip, Age 13
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Jon Freeman Date: 19 Feb 00 - 11:03 AM Thinking of the words of kids and mums diets... I will never forget the day when my mum got dressed up to go out for a meal with my dad and one of my brothers who must have been about 7 at the time said something like "Mum you look like that person on the telly". My mother was flattered and wanted to find out who she looked like. After a few questions it emerged that he was saying she looked like Hattie Jaques who was quite large... Jon |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Abby Sale Date: 19 Feb 00 - 11:23 AM An old friend is now an employee of the new Scottish government. It is a great relief to learn that they have nothing better to do than well-established govenments. She participates in a joke list with a mostly British twist. She sent one the other day that's much to your point but it's a MS Powerpoint binary at 238kb so there's little point posting it here. Send your e-mail address if interested. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 19 Feb 00 - 12:30 PM A friend of mine tried Viagra, took one with an iron supplement, and he stood pointing north for a week. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Midchuck Date: 19 Feb 00 - 12:48 PM What happens when you feed a lawyer Viagra? He gets taller. Peter. PS if any lawyers on the list are angry, I am one. I'd rather be a folksinger, but I make little enough money as a lawyer. Think what it'd be like if I tried to do music full time! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 19 Feb 00 - 02:57 PM whats the difference between a rooster and a lawyer? the rooster clucks defiance. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 19 Feb 00 - 03:00 PM oh hell, now you've done it.. whats the difference between a whore with diarrhea and an epileptic clam shucker? one of them shucks between fits. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Little Neophyte Date: 19 Feb 00 - 03:35 PM What do you get when you cross a Cabbage Patch Doll with the Pilsbury Dough Boy? A real ugly chick with a yeast infection. LN |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Mbo Date: 19 Feb 00 - 03:48 PM Yes...I know what it's like to lose one's sense of humor. And it's nothing any corny or dirty joke can remedy. But just a single word from that special someone would turn me into a euphoric goof again. --Mbo |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: JamesJim Date: 19 Feb 00 - 04:06 PM An old man goes to the doctor and since he can't hear well, he takes his wife with him. The doctor says, "we are going to need a semen sample, stool sample and urine sample." The old man turns to his wife and says, "what did he say?" The old woman says, "he says he wants your underwear!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: fulurum Date: 19 Feb 00 - 05:21 PM i usually just tell my boss that one of these days he's going to hear a loud pop.it's going to be his head coming right out of his ass. this is a true story. about 20 years ago at my grandmothers funeral we were all gathered at the cemetery with the casket hanging out over the hole waiting to be lowered down . my aunt grace, a rather large woman, went running down the hill and threw herself on grandmas casket, the whole time yelling, i'm coming next, oh God i'm coming next. my uncle bob yelled out, you will be if you don't get your fat ass off that casket. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Helen Date: 19 Feb 00 - 06:43 PM Thanks everyone, I'm having a few chuckles here, so keep this stuff coming and it'll probably ripen into a full belly-laugh or guffaw or more. Jeri, what was the song you posted. I'd like to see it. Abby, I'll send you apersonal message with my e-mail address. Thanks. All the jokes about bars reminds me of this one: a woodworm goes into a pub and says, "Is the bartender here?" (It's all in the way you say it. I have to warn you, it is one of my "groan" jokes - everyone groans when they hear it.) Thanks folks, Helen |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 19 Feb 00 - 06:47 PM Funerals... True story: A priest doing his first one (it was a rainy, muddy day slipped into the hole and had to be helped out to finish the service. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 19 Feb 00 - 07:10 PM Harpgirl and Little neophyte, those were great!! new to me..thanks |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Helen Date: 19 Feb 00 - 07:13 PM Oh, and Jeeri & Jon, I bought two Dilbert books in the middle of last year but it was just too close to the reality - more autobiographical than funny, because I have been living in Dilbertland with a boss just like that. It made me want to cry not laugh. I'm probably ready to read it now, though. Have you seen the User Friendly comic strips - about an Internet Service Provider and it's customer support staff - very Dilbertesque. http://www.userfriendly.org/cartoons/archives/99dec/19991218.html Helen |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Jeri Date: 19 Feb 00 - 07:26 PM The song is here. I took some tendencies and traits people (including myself) have at times, and imagined my former boss as a folkie/Mudcatter. (In other words, I imagined how bad it could possibly get.) He used to tell people how to arrange their desks - no joke. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Les B Date: 19 Feb 00 - 08:52 PM So two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks. What's a fish say that swims into a concrete wall? "Dam!" This old cowboy is sitting at the bar. In walks a woman and says "Are you a real cowboy ?" He says "Yes ma'am, I've done nothin' but ride horses and herd cows all my life." She says,"Well I'm a Lesbian, I do nothing but think about making love to women, morning, noon and night." A little later a young fellow comes in the bar and says to the cowboy, "Are you a real cowboy ?" The cowboy says, "Well I thought I was, but I just found out I'm a Lesbian !" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Willie-O Date: 19 Feb 00 - 09:12 PM My car was leaking oil, so I took it into a garage. Young fella had a look, then told me I'd blown a seal. I told him to fix the damn car and never mind my private life....
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 19 Feb 00 - 09:21 PM Kangaroo walks into a bar."Gimme a martini." Bartender fulfills the request."That'll be six dollars,please." Kangaroo hands him a ten. Bartender sez" We don't get many kangaroos in here." Kangaroo sez"At these prices, I'm not surprised." Whats the difference between a cello and a bass? The bass holds more beer. Theres a session in a small pub in Northern Ireland. Fellow walks in with a package, sets it on the bar, orders a pint and turns to listen to the music. The musicians watch him warily but he just stands there. After several pints and tunes, the fiddler gets up and comes over."Excuse me friend" he says,"but we'd all like to know what you've got in the package?" Yhe stranger answers, "Fifteen pounds of Gelignite and twenty detonators." "Oh thaks be to God" says the fiddler."We were afraid it was a bodhran!" And you thought it couldn't get worse. troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Willie-O Date: 19 Feb 00 - 09:32 PM Three pints o Guinness Irish fella walks into a pub in Toronto and orders three pints of Guinness. The bartender pours them, and the fella lines them up in a row, takes a sip from the first one, than a sip from the second one, then a sip from the third. He continues this until they're all empty, then orders three more. The bartender says, "Sir, I don't mean to be telling you your business and I'm sure you can hold your liquor, but do ye not know they'd stay fresh longer if you just drank one at a time--they're goin flat when you're halfway through." The customer explains, "Sure I know that, but I'll tell ye the way of it. I have two brothers I grew up with in County Kerry, one is in California now, the other's in Australia, and I'm here in Canada. But the night before we all left Ireland--we'd had a few already, mind ye--we made a promise that we'd each drink this way, to remember the good days when we all drank together, and why not? So it's as if I'm still drinkin with me brothers." The fellow became a regular at the pub, always drinking three stouts at once, and came in several times a week for about six months. Then one day he came in and as the bartender started to pull his three beers, the man raised a hand and said, "Just two tonight, Jimmy." The bartender stared for a second. The room went dead silent. Then the bartender said, "Sure, and these are on the house for I'm sorry for yer troubles. Which of your brothers has passed away?" The Kerryman then stared back for a second, and burst out laughing. "No, that's not it at all. My brothers are both fine, ye see, but I've had to give up the drinking!" Sorry.] Willie-O
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Sorcha Date: 19 Feb 00 - 10:56 PM An Irishman walked out of a bar.......... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 19 Feb 00 - 10:58 PM OH, GET REAL!(BG) troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Lonesome EJ Date: 19 Feb 00 - 11:32 PM Whadda ya get when you cross a hand grenade with a kitchen floor? Linoleum Blownapart Oh wait a minute...I get it Helen! Is the bar TENDER here! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: sophocleese Date: 19 Feb 00 - 11:51 PM A white horse walks into a pub and leans against the bar. The bartender looks at him a moment in surprise and then says, conversationally, "You know, we have a whisky named after you." "Oh?" says the horse, "you have a whisky named Eric?" What do you calla boomerang that doesn't come back? A stick. Why did the chocolate chips go to school? To become smarties. What do you get if you cross a vampire with a snowstorm? Frostbite. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Helen Date: 20 Feb 00 - 04:03 AM Jeri, (Sorry for the typo on your name before - I didn't mean to call you Jeeri - the vowels seem to repeat on any keyboard I type on) I love the song. I didn't see it before, mainly because of my lethargic checking out of thread titles over the last few months - I just couldn't get the energy up to check out all the threads with interesting titles. I'm trying to decide whether to inflict some of my other jokes on you guys. I'll spare you the pain, just for the present, but I'll be back. Helen
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Banjer Date: 20 Feb 00 - 04:44 AM Spare us the pain"? Oh for crying out loud, Helen. Anyone can see from the previous posts we must all be somewhat masochistic, so please bring on your best (or worst) whichever you consider it. Just to prove how masochictic some are, I submit the following: During the reign of Alexander the Great there where many folks with powers long forgotten. One was Alexander's personal alchemist. He designed for Alexander a piece of cloth which was soaked in certain chemicals. These chemicals would change color with the passing of time. He advised his master that if he would wear this piece of cloth on his person that he would instantly know what time of day it was by the color of it! Alexander took the rag and wrapped it around his wrist, much like a modern day watch. This new invention soon became known through out the land as.......Alexander's Rag Time Band. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Jeri Date: 20 Feb 00 - 08:38 AM Helen, I hope all this is helping. Be advised the next step in your recovery is the actual telling of jokes. Additionally, at some point, you're going to simply want revenge. I'm going to trace this thread - it's got jokes in it that even Kendall hasn't heard! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Pelrad Date: 20 Feb 00 - 12:50 PM A duck waddles into a bar, hops up onto the stool and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender glares at him. "Does this look like a grocery store? No grapes here." "Okay," says the duck. He hops off the stool and waddles out. Three days in a row, the duck comes into the bar and asks for grapes. Finally, the bartender is at the end of his patience, and explodes, "For the last time, this is a bar! We do not have grapes! The next time you ask for grapes, I'm going to nail your bill to the bar!" The duck says, "Okay," and waddles out of the bar. The next day, in comes the duck. As he hops up onto the stool, the bartender glares suspiciously. The duck asks, "Got any nails?" The bartender is fed up. "This is not a hardware store, either! We have no nails!" The duck looks him in the eye and says, "Okay...Got any grapes?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 20 Feb 00 - 12:53 PM Oh yeah?? maybe so, but, it aint gonna be easy!! take your best shot.. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: JamesJim Date: 20 Feb 00 - 04:30 PM Another "hard of hearing" story: A older couple from Vermont were driving south and stopped at a service station in a small town in Tennessee. The old gentleman got out to fill up his car and the service attendant came out to check his oil. The attendant asks, "where ya from?" The old man says, "we're from Vermont." At that, his wife asks, "what did he say?" The old man says, "he asked where we're from and I told him Vermont." The attendant then says, "hey, I used to live in Vermont." Before the old man could ask him where, his wife said, "what did he say?" The old man says, "he said he used to live in Vermont." The old man asks the attendant where he lived in Vermont and he responded, "on a farm in mid-state Vermont." The old man says, "hey, we live in mid-state Vermont." At that the wife again asks, "what did he say?" The old man says, "he said he used to live on a farm in mid-state Vermont." The attendant then says, "yeah, I lived there with a nice lady. She sure could cook and man did she keep a good house. But brother, was she ever lousy in bed." And the old woman again says, "what did he say?" The old man says, "he says he thinks he knows you." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Gary T Date: 20 Feb 00 - 04:39 PM A fellow mentions in conversation that he has eleven children. His friend says "Eleven kids! Why so many?" "It's because my wife is hard of hearing." "Hard of hearing? What's that got to do with it?" "Well, every night when we get into bed, I say 'Honey, do you want to go to sleep, or what?' Then she says 'What?'" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: thosp Date: 20 Feb 00 - 04:47 PM who needs a sense of humor anyway? --- it only makes you laugh at things! peace (Y) thosp |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Liz the Squeak Date: 20 Feb 00 - 05:50 PM If you want revenge, publish an ad in your local paper, saying 'Drummer wanted for band, call any time, day or night' and put his/her phone number on it. Guaranteed to have maximum response for minimum output...... LTS, not that I've ever tried it.....
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: MAG (inactive) Date: 21 Feb 00 - 11:39 PM I've mentioned this before, but Rosten's Joys of Yiddish gave me my first belly laugh after a really bad patch; it came to my attention through S Wade's show Banjo Dancing. My edition has an anecdote about the play, "The Dybbuk," which is the one that did it for me, but I note the Library's edition does not have it. Too bad.
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 21 Feb 00 - 11:45 PM Well, you can always click here... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 22 Feb 00 - 12:01 AM And then theres the one about the Indian chief who had to sit in the hotel lobby because he didn't have a reservation. (and it only gets worse) Drunk walks into a bar. 'bartender. If I can show you something you've never seen will you give me a drink?" "sure" says the barkeep and with that the man pulls a tiny piano out of one pocket and a mouse out of another. The mouse sits down at the piano and starts to play and it is very evident that he can REALLY play piano."Thats incredable!" sez the barkeep. "You ain't seen nothing." sez the drunk. From another pocket he takes a frog who begins to sing. Jazz, soul, rock, funk, the frog does it all."Good for another drink/" sez the drunk and the drink is forthcoming. Another man has been watching all this in amazment and comes over."I'm a T.V. producer and I'll give you $50,000 for the pair." "Aw" sez the drunk,"I couldn't do that. I mean I've had em a long time." But the man insists and finally the drunk agrees to sell the frog for $50,000. The man pays him and walks out with his prizeand the barkeep sez"Man, are you nuts? Breaking up an act like that?" The drunk grins."He didn't get such a good deal. You see, the mouse is a ventriloquist!" troll(who warned you) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: katlaughing Date: 22 Feb 00 - 12:37 AM A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the >> answer to "Where do pets come from?" >> >> Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every >> day. >> >> Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult >> for me to remember how much you love me." >> >> And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that >> will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for >> you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless >> of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion >> will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of >> yourself." >> >> And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a >> good animal. And God was pleased. >> >> And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. >> And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the >> Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal." >> >> And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to >> be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of >> my own name, and you will call him DOG." >> >> And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. >> And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & >> wagged his tail. >> >> After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to >> the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & >> preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog >> has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well." >> >> And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion >> who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is.The companion >> will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not >> always worthy of adoration." >> >> And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey >> Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he >> was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was >> pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. >> >> And the Cat didn't give a shit one way or the other. > |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST Date: 22 Feb 00 - 03:14 AM Abby, Thanks for the Powerpoint file. I'm a bit worried now because I feel like the stressed cat on the first page, and maybe I look like that too. The cutesy pictures clash rather nicely with the sayings too. Okay, next joke: Stop me if I've told you this one before. (Ha ha, I'm unstoppable *BG* Three pieces of string go into a bar and sit down at one of the tables. They argue among themselves about who is going to go to the bar to order the drinks, because they're pretty sure the publican doesn't serve alcohol to pieces of string. So the first one goes up to the barman & says, really confidently, "Three beers thanks, mate!" The barman says, "Sorry I don't serve pieces of string. Go somewhere else." So the first one goes back to his mates and says, "Come on, let's go somewhere else. He's not going to serve us." But the second one says he'll give it a go, so he goes up to the bar and orders three beers but the barman says "Look, I already told your friend, I don't serve pieces of string here, now clear off!" So the second one goes back to the table and says, "Let's get out of here. He won't serve us." But the third one says, "Hang on a minute, I've got an idea." He stands up, ties himself in a knot, musses his hair up a little bit and goes to the bar. "Three beers thanks, mate!" The barman looks at him suspiciously and says, "Wait a minute, aren't you a piece of string?" And the third guy says, "No, I'm afraid not!"
Sorry, sorry - just keep working at it and you'll get it if enlightenment eludes you. Saying it aloud helps. Helen |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Seamus Kennedy Date: 22 Feb 00 - 03:30 AM Dave The A.M. says his wife is a perfect angel. He's lucky - mine is still alive. My friend Murphy went to vist his old granny in the nursing home. All the while he's visiting, he's eating peanuts from a bowl on her nightstand, until without realizing it, he's eaten them all. As he's about to leave, he says, "granny, I'm sorry I've eaten all your peanuts, but don't worry, I'll bring some more tomorrow." She says, "You don't have to do that. I just suck the chocolate off them, anyway." So Murphy goes into the next room to visit his 95 year old granddad. As he enters the room, the nurse is putting the old guy down for the night. She says, "Come on Grandpa Murphy, it's bedtime. That means it's time for your hot chocolate and Viagra." Murphy takes the nurse aside and says, "What's this about hot chocolate and Viagra?" She says, "Oh, it's wonderful. The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra keeps him from rolling out of bed." All the best, Helen. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Helen Date: 22 Feb 00 - 04:09 AM Looks like I've disappeared and my body has been taken over by a Guest. This is what happens when your computer systems engineer hubby decides to tinker with your computer. Oh well, can't complain - he's upgrading the motherboard (mummyboard? parentboard?) etc Helen |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 22 Feb 00 - 08:30 AM Had a guy back home was so numb, he didnt know he had diarrhea 'til he took the bicycle clip off his pant leg. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Amos Date: 22 Feb 00 - 08:48 AM Then there was the guy who was half Italian, and half (fill in despised nationality here)...he made himself an offer he couldn't understand. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 22 Feb 00 - 08:59 AM Sounds like my hometown. I mean it was so small, we had to take turns being the town drunk.<<< The bookmobile was a radio flyer wagon with a couple of old Colliers magazines in it.<<< The population in my hometown never changed. Every time a baby was born, someone left town.<< |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: annamill Date: 22 Feb 00 - 01:09 PM Helen, have you considered getting another job??? A guy sticks his head in a barber shop and hollors "Bob Peters here?" "No", says the barber. "Only haircuts and shaves!". I think only older Mudcats will get that one. Love, annap |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST, Blackcat2 (at another Mac) Date: 22 Feb 00 - 01:21 PM They found another use for Viagra - in nursing homes they give it to male patients at night to keep them from rolling out of bed. Why is divorce so expensive? It's worth it! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Lonesome EJ Date: 22 Feb 00 - 01:25 PM Woman walks into an office and says to the business man behind the desk, "Howdy! I seen your sign in the winder sayin' you was a-lookin' for a secretary, so's I thought I'd apply." "How's your typing?" replies the businessman. "I'm purty accurate, but not very fast," she says. " You're not a "hunt and peck-er" are you?" he says. "No!" she replies, blushing," I done told you I'm a-lookin' for a job!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Molly Malone Date: 22 Feb 00 - 01:27 PM The final verse to MAIDS WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG NEVER WED AN OLD MAN I say give 'em Viagra Fi Diddle di agra Give 'am viagra fi Diddle ie ay I say give 'em Viagra And he'll be all UP AND ATTUM' And all the young maids Will want to bed that old man. And they'll get their fallorum Fi diddle di or um They'll get their fallorum Fi diddle di ay They'll get they're fallorum And the girls won't ignore 'em And all the young maids Will bed that old man. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 22 Feb 00 - 01:32 PM Hey Troll, did you buy my book or my album? Some of that stuff sounds familiar.... the high school I attended was so poor we used the same car for drivers ed and sex ed.. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Bill D Date: 22 Feb 00 - 02:58 PM back up there..^...Praise posted a link for snake limbo jokes & puns...turns out it is a part of a Regional Humor Web Ring including a site especially devoted to Maine
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Mary in Kentucky Date: 22 Feb 00 - 03:29 PM Helen, My unofficial survey indicates that people over 50 love this joke, and those under 50 hate it. I personally love it. ...in a bar, in Chicago...two guys are talking...
1st: You look familiar. Third guy enters the bar and says to bartender, "Anything happening today?" Bartender says, "Nah, not much, just the Murphy twins drunk again." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 22 Feb 00 - 03:35 PM ANNAP, Newbie got it. Bob Peters was a 'Catter, right? The 'Cat name for some Wayne guy? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Molly Malone Date: 22 Feb 00 - 03:40 PM How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag? Take the s out of safe and the f out of way. If you don't get it, tell it to someone close by. Then you will.
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: annamill Date: 22 Feb 00 - 03:53 PM Praise, had nothin' to do with being a Mudcatter, just being old ;-) We oldies remember "bobbing our hair" meaning to cut it shorter. Get it now? Love, annap |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Molly Malone Date: 22 Feb 00 - 04:11 PM Annap, I got it right off the bat...am I that old already? Crikey! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: sophocleese Date: 22 Feb 00 - 04:23 PM Hey I'm younger than 50 and I got it. I gotta stop hanging out with old fogeys. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 22 Feb 00 - 04:24 PM If you want REAL Maine humor, go to www.mainehumor.com |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Helen Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:18 PM I kind of get the idea for LEJ's hunt & pecker joke, but I'm still working on the safeway joke from Molly Malone. Annap, On the Oz national news this morning there was a story about a man from near Newcastle, where I live, who got into a fight last night and got his "Peter" cut off. Rushed to a Sydney (state capital, 100 miles south) hospital for emergency surgery - so a very timely joke. Also, Annap, I am working my butt off looking for another job, but they aren't so easy to find. I'll do it though, soon, I'm determined. We've got a mediation session booked on Friday morning with the local Community Justice Centre so we'll see what outcomes (probably not much change) we get out of that. That's only to give me some breathing space to find another job, though. At least the HR Manager stopped him from readvertising my job just after Christmas. Helen
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Helen Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:19 PM I kind of get the idea for LEJ's hunt & pecker joke, but I'm still working on the safeway joke from Molly Malone. Annap, On the Oz national news this morning there was a story about a man from near Newcastle, where I live, who got into a fight last night and got his "Peter" cut off. Rushed to a Sydney (state capital, 100 miles south) hospital for emergency surgery - so a very timely joke. Also, Annap, I am working my butt off looking for another job, but they aren't so easy to find. I'll do it though, soon, I'm determined. We've got a mediation session booked on Friday morning with the local Community Justice Centre so we'll see what outcomes (probably not much change) we get out of that. That's only to give me some breathing space to find another job, though. At least the HR Manager stopped him from readvertising my job just after Christmas. Helen
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Jim Dixon Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:34 PM Pinocchio goes to visit Gepetto. "I've got a problem," he says. "My girlfriend has been complaining that whenever we make love, she gets splinters." Gepetto answers, "That's my fault. I must have neglected that part of your anatomy. But the solution is simple. Just take this piece of sandpaper and sand yourself down until you're nice and smooth, then try it again." A week later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio on the street. "Hey, Pinocchio," he says, "how's your girlfriend?" "Girlfriend?" says Pinocchio. "Who needs a girlfriend?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: sophocleese Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:36 PM Well today as we walked to the Doctor's office my five year old proudly announced that she knew what 'public' meant. "What does it mean dear?" "No smoking!" Right on, love. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Amos Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:49 PM "How do you get an elepahnt into a Safeway bag" "I dunno" "First you take the 'S' out of 'Safe'" "Umm, okay..." "Then you take the 'F' out of 'way..." "Ummm...wait...hey! There is no eff in Way" "Right." Then you roll around on the floor simpering like a mad thing... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Bill D Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:59 PM "this piece of sandpaper " *grin*...as a woodworker, I see this 1200 grit wet-or-dry paper with oil on it....
reminds me.. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Gary T Date: 22 Feb 00 - 06:34 PM Oh, limericks, eh? There once was a poet named Knight Whose limericks were never quite right They really were fine Until the fifth line Then he always managed to bollix them up somehowAdam was walking around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman. He said, "This person will gather food for you, cook for you and when you discover clothing she'll wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it". Adam asked God, " What will a woman like this cost?" God replied, "An arm and a leg." Then Adam asked, "What can I get for a rib?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Mary in Kentucky Date: 22 Feb 00 - 07:49 PM Thanks Amos. Many of us would not admit that we "just didn't get it!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 22 Feb 00 - 08:18 PM annap, You mean Bob Peters ISN'T taken yet as a Cat name? You mean people really TALK about that sort of THING here? I never! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 22 Feb 00 - 10:18 PM There once was a poet named Mc Nameter Whose mistress kept calling him amature. Said she"Your technique Is too rough and antique, And your rhythm's iambic pentameter. troll ( who can sing limericks for hours) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: hrafn Date: 22 Feb 00 - 10:36 PM Hi Helen, This is a mad Cornishman from Ireland. Confused, well that makes to of us. So, you lost your sense of humour, happens to the worst of us. Anyway I thought I'd tell you about a friend of mine called Denzil Pen-Burthie who walked into the pub the other week with a lump of dog shit in his hand and said to me "look what I nearly trod in!!!!!!!!!" But you'll have to excuse old Denzil as he's a six pack short of a can (yes he is that thick). Anyway you keep you chin up my lover and I'll speak to you soon (oh god no she says hehehehehehe) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,Guest-Meadow Muskrat Date: 22 Feb 00 - 11:54 PM Did you hear about the dyslexic,agnostic insomniac? He stayed up all night wondering about the existence of dog. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 23 Feb 00 - 01:36 AM Dylsexics Untie! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,art Date: 23 Feb 00 - 04:00 AM did you know that DNA stands for the national dyslexic association |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Molly Malone Date: 23 Feb 00 - 11:21 AM There once was a young lass from Whimbly, Reproached for not acting more primly. She said, "Heavens above, I know sex isn't love But it's such an attractive facsimile." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Skipjack K8 Date: 23 Feb 00 - 11:34 AM That's the trouble with Irish Boomerangs; they don't come back, but keep singing songs 'bout how much they want to. And how many Spaniards does it take to change a lightbulb? Juan! Fella comes home unexpectedly, finds wife naked in bed in the middle of the afternoon, knows whats up, strides across the bedroom and throws open the bathroom door. There's this naked man standing on the khazi with his hands cupped against the wall. Husband "What's your game ,mate?" Lover "Good afternoon, sir. I'm from the council pest control department. You wife reported a moth infestation, and I'm just dealing with the last one now" Husband "But your naked, man!" Lover, looking down "The little bastards!" Skipjack |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 23 Feb 00 - 12:00 PM to follow kat's lead: (This is one ideal not masquerading as one reality) When God Made Moms (God Bless The Women I Know) By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An Angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one"? And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands." The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. "Six pairs of hands! No Way!" said the Angel. The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!" "And that's just on the standard model?" the Angel asked. The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing even though she already knows. Another pair, in the back of her head, are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even saying a single word." The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish." "But I can't, " the Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower." The Angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish." "Will she be able to think?" asked theAngel. The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate." The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one." The Lord replied, "That's not a leak. That's a tear!" "What's the tear for?" the Angel asked. The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride." The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything, for WOMAN is truly amazing!"
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 23 Feb 00 - 12:29 PM When the Lord created earth, it wasn't all easy going! HE came walking past Gabriel. "Hows the project going?" "Oh, pretty well. I just divided the time into two periods of dark and light" "Impressive" said Gabriel, " What are you going to do now." "Oh" said God, "I think I'll call it a day." troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 23 Feb 00 - 01:26 PM ok Troll lets have a limerick festival. ( by the way, I dont have a book of them, strictly memory)
A mathmatician named Hall |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: annamill Date: 23 Feb 00 - 01:34 PM Kendall, you cannot say fuck on Mudcat!! You must say f**k! There was a young woman from Nices (pronounced Nizez) with breasts of two different sizes. One was small, nothing at all. The other was large and won prizes. I have no idea where Nices isis! Love, annap |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Amos Date: 23 Feb 00 - 01:38 PM A profligate fairy named Broome Had a lesbian up to his room And they argued all night About who had the right To do what, and with which, and to whom! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Bert Date: 23 Feb 00 - 01:48 PM Annap, the woman came from here Bert |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 23 Feb 00 - 01:53 PM Oh all right. If this has ever been posted I guess it won't hurt to post it again, apparently it falls to me. I am missing one line, I hope someone will supply it... According to brassiere salespeople, there are only these following sizes in nature: Sub-nubbins Nubbins Droopers Bloopers and Super-Bloopers. Let's go now. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 23 Feb 00 - 02:04 PM A limericks a poem economical, Whose subject's sometimes anatomical But the good ones I've seen, So seldom are clean, And the clean ones so seldom are comical. With that said... In London a newsboy named Grimes, Led girls on to infamous crimes. "I deliver" he'd boast, "Two Globes and a Post, And goodness knows how many times." To his friends said the maitre'd hotel, My guests can all go to hell. What they do to my wife Is the curse of my life, And the worst is, they do it so well! troll
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: annamill Date: 23 Feb 00 - 02:09 PM Thank you Bert. I try again. There was a young woman from Devizes with breasts of two different sizes. One was small, nothing at all. The other was large and won prizes. When left to my own Devizes I will misname. This IS better. Love, annap
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: annamill Date: 23 Feb 00 - 02:52 PM Kendall, I hope you know I was joking. I did forget the **BG** and the ;-). Love, annap |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 23 Feb 00 - 03:50 PM Somewhat late, I offer the acronym of a widespread new organization: DAMN. ,br> National Mothers Against Dyslexia.
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 23 Feb 00 - 03:53 PM I knew...I'm not the dullest knife in the drawer:-)
There once was a randy Chinee |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Molly Malone Date: 23 Feb 00 - 04:03 PM Does anyone know the limerick about the woman who ate the apple that went bad, and the last line is something about "It turned in side her inside into cider"? There once was a Frenchman named Jock, Who's love life kept him up 'round the clock, The maidens revered him, And some of them feared him, Because he had a 19 inch..... Scar, that ran right down the side of his face.;)
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: sophocleese Date: 23 Feb 00 - 04:06 PM Three balls and a purple goatee. Ya gotta finish it kendall. There once were two ladies of Birmingham/ And this is the story concerning'em/ They lifted the frock/ And diddled the cock/ Of the bishop as he was confirming'em
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 23 Feb 00 - 10:17 PM He's baaaack! Said old lady Jenifer Prim, After cycling down cobblestone rim, I'm feeling quite spry, T'was a great thing to try, But I'll never come that way again. troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Barky Date: 24 Feb 00 - 12:26 AM Molly: There once was a lady from Clyde, Who ate so many apples she died! The apples fermented, inside the lamented, and made cider inside 'er inside!
Hope I could help! ~Barky |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Amos Date: 24 Feb 00 - 12:54 AM Dang! Barky beat me to it! That's it! Your IMac is confiscated! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Amos Date: 24 Feb 00 - 12:58 AM Here's one I sure hope she doesn't know yet! There once was a lady quite rude Who walked down the street in the nude! A policeman said "What Am" "Agnificnet Bottam!" And smacked it as hard as he coouuld! A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 24 Feb 00 - 07:22 AM There once was a girl from St. Paul, Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. But a sudden flash fire, It burnt her attire, The front page, sports section, and all! Now this is the story of Clyde, Who fell in an outhouse and died. And then theres his brother, Who fell in another, And now they're interred side by side troll who refuses to leave it alone and let it die
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Helen Date: 25 Feb 00 - 09:18 PM Hi again I have been checking in on this thread every day, sometimes twice a day in the lead-up to the mediation session I had yesterday morning with my boss & another manager. The session went fairly well (grimace), but my suspicions of the underhanded dealings of the boss have been well & truly confirmed for me, although he has spent a great deal of energy inventing words to cover his tracks. The female manager approached the mediation session in a much more open & balanced way and I now respect her a lot - I did already for some things, but we haven't had as much contact as we should have so I had not had a chance to get to know her well. We have come to an agreement about what is to happen to me and it will work in the short term, especially because I will be reporting to the manager & not the boss, but now - as seems usual for the last two years, five years, who knows how long? - I am again desperately searching for a job because I will definitely have no more work after the end of June from these guys. So, thanks to all of you for making a mighty contribution towards keeping me sane and relatively balanced over the last few days with this thread, and also to everyone at Mudcat for just being yourselves for as long as I have been here. I can feel my sense of humour doing a U-turn somewhere way out there on the road to nowhere, and heading back home to me. Okay, end of serious transmission. Let me think of another one of my awful jokes to annoy you with. Okay, the only one I can think of is this one: A guy looks out of his window one morning and notices that the garbage truck has been and his big rubbish bin on wheels is there but his next door neighbour's bin is missing. Being a good neighbour he goes and knocks on the door and says "Where's your bin?" and the other guy says "I'se bin away on holidays". The first one says, "No, where's your wheelie-bin?". The neighbour looks worried, looks around a bit, checks up & down the street, and says "I'se really bin in jail, man, but don't you tell anyone!" Helen |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Mark Cohen Date: 25 Feb 00 - 11:13 PM Late, as ever, but here are my contributions. Three couples were seeking admission to the Church. At the end of the course of instruction, the priest said, "Now, as a sign of your devotion to the Church, you must all abstain from marital relations [that's sex, if you must know] for a week. I'll see you all back here next Sunday." A week later, they all gathered again, and the priest said to the first couple, who were somewhat advanced in years, "Were you successful in your devotion?" And they said, "Why, yes, we did manage all right." "Very well, then, welcome to the church," the priest replied. "And you?" he asked the second couple, who were of a middling age. "Well, it was difficult, but this is important to us so we were able to do it." "Congratulations, welcome to the church," he said as they ran off. "And how did you folks do?" he asked the young couple. "Well, father," said the young man, "we were doing all right for a while but when she bent down to pick up a can of tomatoes I just couldn't stop myself." "I'm sorry, my son, but I can't let you into the Church." "Oh, that's all right, Father, we understand," said the young woman. "They won't let us back into Safeway, either." Then there was the ethnic who flunked out of pharmacy school...he couldn't figure out how to get the little bottle into the typewriter. And then there's the world's shortest cowboy song: Out in the West Texas town of El Paso, One little kiss and Florina, goodbye. Good luck, Helen. Illegitimi non carborundum. Aloha, Mark |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Amos Date: 25 Feb 00 - 11:33 PM This ventriloquist needing some practice drives up into the hills onto reservation land and sees a weathered old Indian sitting on his porch, minding his own business, watching his sheep graze. The ventriloquist stops and walks over, saying "Hey, Chief...this your dog?". "Yes, my dog!" "Didja know yer dog could talk?" "Dog does not talk!". So the ventriloquist throws his voice and the dogs says, "My master kicks me and doesn't feed me enough!". The chief is startled, but says nothing.. . "Well chief," says the insensitive ventriloquist, "Is that your horse?" "Yes, my horse!" "Didja know your horse could talk?" "Horse NOT talk!'.. So the ventriloquist throws his voice and the horse says, "My master rides me hard, and puts me up wet...". The chief is startled. Mutters under his breath.. Then the ventriloquist, who is on a roll, says, "Hey, Chief...those your sheep over there?".. The chief stands up and says, "SHEEP LIE!!!!"... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: wysiwyg Date: 26 Feb 00 - 02:53 AM Ummmm, guys? I could swear that today the little grabby hand on the 'puter screen gave me the finger. And the pointy nouse thing pointed at me. (SShhh) I am sharing this in this thread becuse it is my hope that people who are serious enough to open a thread of this title, and post to it, are indeed serious enough to THINK about this and HELP ME! Psst-- Know how I get the most outta my staff? I tell them to give me what I've asked for as quick as they wanna see me go home for the day. Everyone's happy!!!! Hardiman was too tired to log on tonight, so I am stealing his plan!! He's gonna sign on tomorrow to tellya, went to bed all happy about it-- He wants you all to know that although he usually plays with himself, tonight I played with him while he fiddled with me! I warned him I'd use the line myself-- oh well! That's OK, though, because he has another real hoot of a topic to post when he does sign on. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 26 Feb 00 - 08:47 AM There was a young lady named Carol Who liked to play stud for apparel Her opponents straight flush Brought a maidenly blush And a hasty trip home in a barrel. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 26 Feb 00 - 09:17 AM A broken down harlot named Tupps Was heard to exclaim in her cups The height of my folly was screwing a Collie But, I got a good price for the pups. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Amos Date: 26 Feb 00 - 09:28 AM Kendall: I can just hear you sayin g that last line...I'm cracking up! Thanks. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 26 Feb 00 - 10:21 AM There once was a girlie anmed Todd Who thought babies all came from God. But it were'nt the Almighty who lifted her nighty, 'T'were Roger the lodger.The Sod! troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Amos Date: 26 Feb 00 - 10:23 AM AH, Todd -- what a sweet pie that was...so naive... |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 26 Feb 00 - 12:36 PM There once was a man from Racine Who invented a f***ing machine Concave or convex, whichever the sex But, it was a bastard to clean. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 26 Feb 00 - 10:32 PM stop me before I post again |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,John Gray / Australia Date: 27 Feb 00 - 12:02 AM I once had a little dog named Ben, he had nine arsehloes - nearly ten, he wouldn't eat bread, and he wouldn't eat crust; but he ate apple-pie, 'till he fockin' near bust ! JG _ F.M.E. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Troll Date: 27 Feb 00 - 02:14 AM There was a young fellow from boston Who bought him a very small Austin There was room for his ass And two gallons of gas But his balls hung out and he lost 'em troll |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Metchosin Date: 27 Feb 00 - 02:46 AM A firefighter is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl has in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.
The firefighter says, "Hey, little girl, whatcha doing?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: kendall Date: 27 Feb 00 - 09:33 AM good one Metchosen!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Eric the Viking Date: 27 Feb 00 - 09:44 AM There were two bell ringers in church, one tied his penis to a bell rope-the other told (tolled) him off. Quazimodo was up on the roof of the cathederal with Esmarelda. all of a sudden he was flying through the air towards the ground- his dying words as he landed were "you stupid bitch, when I asked you to toss me off, I didn't mean off the bloody roof"!! -splat!! Eric |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: bob schwarer Date: 27 Feb 00 - 11:55 AM We all know that tampons are spongey And oftentimes get rather grungy But why they have strings Among other things Is so that the crabs can all bungee Baaaaaaaad |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: momnopp Date: 27 Feb 00 - 03:55 PM Peking Take Away
A young Chinese couple got married. On the wedding night, the wife lies naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses.He climbs in bed next to her and tries to be reassuring:
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: MAG (inactive) Date: 27 Feb 00 - 10:11 PM That's the "bulbenik" story in *Joys of Yiddish* -- good luck with the new position you WILL find -- and everything will be on the up. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Sorcha Date: 27 Feb 00 - 10:20 PM Time to start Lost it II. Gonna do it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST Date: 27 Feb 00 - 11:47 PM Click here to go to Part II of this thread |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: GUEST,PETR Date: 28 Feb 00 - 08:58 PM I never lost my virginity, I just mislaid it. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Art Thieme Date: 29 Feb 00 - 01:24 PM Kendall, The flavor is somewhere between a Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan... Art |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: sophocleese Date: 29 Feb 00 - 05:02 PM Petr, mislaying it is one thing but I find searching for it again quite fun. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Lena Date: 08 Sep 00 - 08:10 PM refresh |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Bob Bolton Date: 06 Nov 00 - 09:47 PM G'day all, I'll refresh this again because A friend of mine is suffering much the same sort of experience that led Helen to start the thread back ... in February. I hope some of this helps. Regards, Bob Bolton |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: Helen Date: 07 Nov 00 - 03:36 AM Hi Bob, PM me if you want to know about any of the anti-bullying resources I have found. Also, there is a part 2 of this thread with a similar name. Helen |
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Subject: RE: BS: Help: Lost my sense of humour *BG* From: JennieG Date: 08 Nov 00 - 12:51 AM G'day all, I'm the one that Bob Bolton mentioned.....I am leaving my job in mid-December as I can no longer cope. My boss controls his staff (me and one other) by intimidation and bullying. In the meantime I am looking for another job - wish me luck! Cheers JennieG |