Ultimate Folk Song Challenge

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Amos
Date: 25 Feb 00 - 03:05 PM

In nomine deo te absoluo, filius meus -- go and sin no more...

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 09:52 PM

Yay Mbo!!!!!

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Mbo
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 09:49 PM

Thanks folks....I'm just having a bad day...artists are very tempermental people. I think what I need is some religion RIGHT NOW! I know must of you disapprove of this sort of stuff, but I don't care that I'm the last Catholic on earth (or at least on Mudcat) who actually cares about his religion, doesn't make fun of it or slam it--but what I need is just some ABSOLUTION. Free myself of the sins I have wrought here, before they destroy me completely! Well, now that that's over, I'd just like to say--go on and have your silly fun, but also open up some more oppurtunies where I might be able to have some fun too without compromising my principles. And thanks very much, Barky, it really means a lot to me. Ahh...if you were only older...HA HA! :{> BTW you don't mean to tell me you actually WATCH that South Park rubbish do you?

--Matthew (Mbo)

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 09:36 PM

Mbo!

Get a grip!!! Yer having a bad day???? We're just out of phhaaahhahhhaahaassee...

It is not always easy to become a Real Rabbit. When the rest of that fur's been rubbed off you will shine!!!

Please see me in the Personals to continue this if you wish to explore further....

Also look there for some other interesting stuff from me. To zee pages!

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Barky
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 09:31 PM

Mbo,

You are a wonderful guy! I may be new to this list, but I know that already. I love ya, man!

~Barky

PS: (Uh-oh, she's having a South Park movie moment)

Satan: Sadam, is sex all you ever think about?
Sadam: I love you!

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 09:28 PM

After I unleashed my rant at you, Sir Beau, I realized I was yelling at myself, just as much as you. 'Twas ever thus...

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 09:24 PM

Oh....MBO!!! Please, please for the love of Gawd. lighten thyself!!! We all LOVE your obstinate lil butt, OK? And we aren't being that raunchy, and as for elephant dung...that stuff can be dangerous. But if you whine I might just unwind. 'Course its just me. I am coarse in my heart -- I admit it. I do not have your delicacy or your mastery of finesse and small kindnesses. You are a sweeter soul than I. No question...

Now as to your remark that the Mudcat has tuned you in to a self-loathing mess, I am deeply sorry -- hold still, buddy, this will only hurt a little -- remember I love you, okay -- here we go:

BUUULLLSHIIIIIITTTT you self-centered peckerhead! If you are into self-loathing after all the beauty you have ALREADY added to the world at the tender age of 20, then it is entirely, without exception, your own personal individual absoilute and unmitigated power of self determination at work, and cannot be blamed on your fellow humans in any way, period, because you are responsible for your condition in every iota thereof AND THAT'S FINAL!!

Ok, now remember, we all love ya and that didn't hurt, and even if it did its a healing process. I know you're absolutely too goddamn smart and beautiful not to have understood, so no pretense, either!

Love,

Amos

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Mbo
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 08:58 PM

Thanks a lot, Praise. Yeah, me leaving here would hurt you like it would to see flamewarring anonymous GUESTS leave.

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Mbo
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 08:54 PM

Well, since I'm not into the sporcaccone music, I guess I'm not one of the "finest & highest minded poets" then. It seems unfair that I'm sitting around for 2 months trying to conceptualize a song, while you folks are pumping out stuff like this is 5 seconds flat. You're just like those shock "artists" in New York, making your weird little "art" forms, all the while calling those (like me) who would like to see something a little less base, prudes and art police and creativity smotherers, and who knows what else. Would you like to hurl some elephant dung at me too? For dung and other scatalogical garbage is all anyone seems to be an expert at anymore around here. And look at me! This place has slowly turned me into a restless, angry, self-loathing mess.

Sure, go ahead and have your little fun. Make yourselves happy with your little raunch-o-rama. See if I care.

--Mbo

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 08:47 PM

Alright, it falls to me again---

Mbo:

NO!

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 08:45 PM

Troll:

I LOVE yer Limerick!! Damn, you're good!

A

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 08:36 PM

More like a concatenation of phrase...

As for the tone of the Cat I would point out to you sir that our finest and highest minded poets have all had a streak of Avon's bawd in them. Lust is no offense unless you ar eoverly concerned that someone. somewhere might be happy!

While I would never hold that all happiness comes from lust, I seriously submit that harmless lustiness of mind is no harm, no foul, no offense, and can be a great source of jollies. I think that the notion that all body parts and all their functions must be cloaked is a leedle bit outre, obsolete, disproven as a source of virtue and useless as a meeans of persuasion.

Amos

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 08:16 PM

Yes, Mbo, you are right. I'm starting to think that some of us (I won't mention any names) are incapable of a sensual..er sensible copu...um Conversation about anything.

But seriously Mbo, a lot of us old farts compensate for the drop in frequency of the act itself by talking about it increasingly often. Bear with us, it's probably just a phase.

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Troll
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 07:59 PM

Point taken, Mbo. It is getting a little deep and I am among the worst offenders.But we are just having fun and it's only on a few threads.Surely we who are entering our second childhood can be allowed to try to shock and outrage the youngsters? Don't worry. we'll get back to discussing the whichnesses of why soon enough.

And we'll hold our breath 'til we turn blue and then you'll be sorry.

troll "BFG"

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Mbo
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 07:51 PM

Alright folks, can we get real here for a minute? Over the past few days, all I've been seeing is millions of double entendre jokes and sexual innnuedo "songs." What has happened to the tone of Mudcat? This is really starting to annoy me--can we move off the childish crude humour and get on to more interesting things? But at least you're all in Freud's highest growth order--genital fixation. Oh Sigmund, I'm not sure that's such a "high" goal to reach.

--Mbo

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 07:45 PM

Amos,
With my boundless ego, doncha think I gave it to them first? I am the media slut of my county. Plus they let me get away with the almost-rhymes. The themes are nothing new in these parts, just the vocab.

Troll,
Sure glad you covered the first one, and so well. I could not have imagined getting to a joke on that one. Now we can follow suit and blame you for inciting us!

But Amos. Really...

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Troll
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 07:26 PM

Police say a doctor in China,

Had padlocked his lovers vagina,

As he gave up the key

To set the girl free,

He said "I guess a cork would be kinda."

there ya go Amos. Not a quatrain but it'll have to do.

troll

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 07:19 PM

I would like to throw YET ANOTHER STUPID gauntlet down in this here htread (never mind the physics!) by inviting all comers (or those who don't) to compose deathless quatrains immortalizing the following two tales of woe. Your choice:

Jealous Doctor Arrested for Chastity Lock

                         BEIJING (Reuters) - Police in southwestern China have arrested a doctor for
                         padlocking a woman's vagina to prevent her from having other lovers, the
                         Beijing Evening News said Wednesday.

                         The woman, surnamed Liu, was reported to authorities in the Sichuan
                         provincial capital of Chengdu this month after neighbors saw her walking with
                         difficulty, the newspaper said.

                         Police found the 22-year-old woman had a rusty padlock pierced through two
                         holes in her labia, it said.

                         She led the police to Yao Yung, a physician at a local clinic, who was
                         arrested after he surrendered the key to the padlock, it said.

                         Yao was later found to have drugged and raped the young woman during a
                         check-up and then forced her to live with him by threatening to kill her family.
 
 

NASA Denies Astronaut Trysts in Space

                         CAPE CANAVERAL, Fla. (Reuters) - The U.S. space agency vigorously
                         denied a French astronomer's claim on Wednesday that shuttle astronauts
                         conducted test trysts to find optimal positions for sex in zero-gravity.

                         ``We are not, have not and do not plan to conduct any sex experiments,''
                         said NASA spokesman Ed Campion.

                         Author Pierre Kohler, a French astronomer who has converted himself into a
                         cosmic affairs commentator, said in his new book, The Final Mission, that
                         NASA astronauts have tested the limits of stellar sex with space agency
                         support.

                         Kohler cited documents posted on the Internet by a U.S. researcher, entitled
                         NASA No. 12 571-3570.

                         The documents describe how scientists worked with astronauts to assess
                         the possibilities of weightless intercourse, drawing up a short list of 10 sexual
                         positions later tested by an astronaut couple in the zero-gravity conditions of
                         orbit, albeit in a grounded shuttle.

                         They found that the most conventional method falls short without gravity, he
                         said.

                         ``It appears the classical approach, the so-called missionary position, is an
                         easy position only on Earth, when gravity keeps you pinned down, and that it
                         would be ruled out in space,'' says Kohler.

                         The experiment purportedly showed that six of the 10 trials needed props
                         such as elastic belts or an inflatable tube similar to a sleeping bag to keep
                         the couple tightly together. The other four positions left it to sheer muscle
                         power.

                         NASA said the story and the documents are false and the numbers Kohler
                         cited do not correspond to any numbering system it uses. ``The story's not
                         true. The document cited is fraudulent,'' said Kirsten Williams, a
                         spokeswoman at NASA's Washington headquarters.

                         Kohler's publisher, Calmann-Levy, told Reuters it planned to issue the book
                         on Thursday.

                         Kohler concedes that NASA and other space agencies deny such ``taboo''
                         experiments, and said astronauts are also mute on the subject of human sex
                         in orbit, even if they have conducted reproduction research on South African
                         frogs and Japanese fish.
 
 

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 04:58 PM

Ahemmmm! Praise! A heemmmmm....I'm forwarding your post to your local small town newspaper...

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Feb 00 - 01:40 AM

There once was a Panda, Miranda,
Who kept company on her verandah.
Her favorite caller
Was a former footballer--
I believe that his name was George Blanda.

On a neighboring street the koala
Had the urge to go see Walla Walla.
He packed his valise,
(Thought he'd stay with his niece),
But she'd died and had gone to Valhallah.

The koala complained to Miranda,
That her life by comparison was grander.
She replied with a coy,
"But you're my kinda boy!"
So to her veranda he wandah-ed.

He proceeded to evict the footballer,
And became Ms. Miranda's new follower.
She offered him lunch,
And he said, "Thanks a bunch,
Now I think of it, I'd rather eat in Austrah-lia.

The panda had planned on organza
For the wedding, the groom now half landed.
But she bid him adieu
(And I would have, wouldn't you?)
Thus he never shared panda orgasma.

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Troll
Date: 23 Feb 00 - 10:00 PM

Dick. AMEN!

troll

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Feb 00 - 09:10 PM

The original Panda Joke Site

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 23 Feb 00 - 08:26 PM

C'mon. The ultimate folk song challange is trying to make a living at it.

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 23 Feb 00 - 08:12 PM

"The Panda" Panda oh Panda you seem so very sweet Panda oh Panda come here and rub feet

chorus: Oh walla walla the Panda Broke my heart Oh walla walla the Panda let a.... Oh walla walla The Panda ran away Oh walla walla maybe he'll come back one day

The Panda The Panda Yeeha!!!!! chorus:

By LEJ's Daughter Gizmo

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 00 - 06:58 PM

LEJ, done it again -- you just crack me up man!

A

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: GUEST,LEJ
Date: 23 Feb 00 - 06:00 PM

Most people say that a Panda is cute
He eats shoots and leaves, he nibbles on fruit
But I'll tell you something you ain't been told yet
The Panda's the smartass of the animal set!
He says to the Zebra "Yo' stripes makes you look fat"
Says to the mouse " Where's yo wings, little bat?"
He's mean to the monkey and bad to the bird
For the King of the Jungle, he ain't got a kind word
And now that you know, shouldn't be no surprise
Why he walks 'round the jungle with two big black eyes!

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: paddyc
Date: 23 Feb 00 - 04:52 PM

Wild Panda(Rover)

I am a wild panda I'm a very fine bear And I like eating fruit except for the pears I will go crazy if you stop and stare But I am your normal average bear

And its no nay never No nay never no more Will I be a wild panda No never no more.

....I know it's corny but I thought it was funny.

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Mbo
Date: 23 Feb 00 - 11:42 AM

YEAH YEAH!

Check out Mistah Panda
In his red bandanna
Gots his big belt sandah
To do your floor
Though he's kinda randah
He's as great as Alexandah
When hard work you demandah
More more more!


--Mbo

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Amos
Date: 23 Feb 00 - 11:38 AM

Whooeee! The Garg rides! Show what San Diego is good for, man. Love dem blues.

A

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Áine
Date: 23 Feb 00 - 11:31 AM

Dear Patrish,

That'll be fine!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: GUEST,_gargoyle
Date: 23 Feb 00 - 11:22 AM

Slow rolling blues

Ya gotta han-dah to my panda
He's my kin-dah man-dah
Gives his mama can-dah
Not from da store
A dan-dah fine panda
Best in da lan-dah
Make me wanna holl-ah, more, more, more.

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: GUEST,Patrish
Date: 23 Feb 00 - 11:12 AM

Aine, Thanks, but it was just something I did without too much thought and to be honest the one that came after is brilliant,
However I do write recitations, and will post one when I have a chance - if thats ok
Patrish

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Áine
Date: 23 Feb 00 - 09:36 AM

Dear Patrish,

If you'll add a couple more verses to your song, I'll put it in the Mudcat Songbook. I think you've got a great start there, so don't give up on it!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Molly Malone
Date: 22 Feb 00 - 11:33 AM

You know, I had to think a bit about the "eats roots and leaves...then I remembered my friend Maggie from Australia.

She always thought the Super Rooter trucks that drove by were hysterical. Or rooter 2000.

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: alison
Date: 22 Feb 00 - 11:29 AM

there's an Aussie joke along the same lines....

why is a wombat like a travelling salesman?

because it eats roots and leaves....

slainte

alison

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: catspaw49
Date: 22 Feb 00 - 11:02 AM

Wonderful build to a great punch line.....I'm cracking up here!!!!!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Troll
Date: 22 Feb 00 - 09:28 AM

I'm not even gonna TRY to top that one. The WINNA and Champeen! CALACH!

troll

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Amos
Date: 22 Feb 00 - 09:11 AM

Calach,

You da MAN!!!

That was remarkable!

I insist it go right into the book. You've been hiding your lights under a bushel, man.

Hee hee! Eats, shoots, and leaves! Dang!

A

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: kendall
Date: 22 Feb 00 - 08:16 AM

very clever!!

Subject: Lyr Add: THE PANDA (tune of The Road to Dundee)
From: Calach
Date: 22 Feb 00 - 08:02 AM

(To the tune of "the roads and the miles to Dundee")

THE PANDA
Hall/Tait

Cold Winter was howling, and the Panda was growling,
He was wandering the streets cause the pubs had all closed.
Up came a wee lassie, and said "Mr Panda,
Would you like to come with me, your nose is all frozed?"

She was dressed like a hooker, but still quite a looker,
But the high heels and lipstick, they gave it away.
But the Panda went with her, cause his body was shivering'
And he needed some food and a warm place to stay.

They walked back together, in the cold wintry weather.
She took him upstairs to her well-used address.
She asked what he wanted, as she cuddled the Panda
And he went up to bed with his little temptress.

Although now he was warm, he couldn't perform
He needed some food, he'd not eaten all day.
She cooked him some fried rice, bamboo shoots and bean sprouts,
Some nice lemon chicken and a chocolate soufflé

From the table they rose, and he took off her clothes,
Made love all night long, till the first break of dawn.
Then he got out of bed, and he said to the lassie,
"So long to you darling, I now must be gone."

Says she, "No my honey, you owe me some money.
It's required for my living; for a prostitute I be."
"But I am a Panda, and I don't pay for loving,
We'll solve our dispute with a dictionary."

They looked at the book, for the meaning of hooker,
"A girl paid for loving, who never conceives."
Her threw her the book and she read with amazement
All it said about Pandas was "Eats shoots and leaves."

(line breaks added by a Joe clone)

Subject: RE: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: GUEST,Patrish
Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:56 AM

The Panda broke my heart

My panda's so innocent looking
My story no one believes
It certainly isn't my cooking
He just eats, shoots and leaves

I've tried all my feminine charm
To no avail - my heart it grieves
I can't cuddle up to keep warm
He just eats, shoots and leaves

Cheers
Patrish

Subject: Ultimate Folk Song Challenge
From: Sabra
Date: 22 Feb 00 - 05:02 AM

Ok so-called folk song writers, this is a challenge you have to try. Write a song called "The Panda." (This should sort out the men from the boys!)