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Lost My Sense of Humor II

Sorcha 27 Feb 00 - 10:25 PM
GUEST,Diesel 27 Feb 00 - 10:32 PM
GUEST 27 Feb 00 - 11:45 PM
GUEST 27 Feb 00 - 11:50 PM
kendall 28 Feb 00 - 09:24 AM
BlueJay 28 Feb 00 - 04:23 PM
katlaughing 28 Feb 00 - 06:25 PM
Troll 28 Feb 00 - 07:01 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 28 Feb 00 - 07:07 PM
Hagbardr 28 Feb 00 - 07:08 PM
pastorpest 28 Feb 00 - 08:50 PM
Troll 28 Feb 00 - 08:56 PM
Gary T 28 Feb 00 - 09:09 PM
Midchuck 28 Feb 00 - 09:11 PM
Troll 28 Feb 00 - 09:17 PM
pastorpest 28 Feb 00 - 10:22 PM
Troll 28 Feb 00 - 10:26 PM
rangeroger 28 Feb 00 - 10:33 PM
Metchosin 28 Feb 00 - 11:18 PM
Troll 29 Feb 00 - 01:44 AM
BlueJay 29 Feb 00 - 03:04 AM
Troll 29 Feb 00 - 05:29 AM
kendall 29 Feb 00 - 08:14 AM
kendall 29 Feb 00 - 08:15 AM
Mbo 29 Feb 00 - 08:22 AM
Troll 29 Feb 00 - 08:29 AM
katlaughing 29 Feb 00 - 09:00 AM
Bert 29 Feb 00 - 10:26 AM
Mbo 29 Feb 00 - 10:33 AM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 29 Feb 00 - 11:00 AM
Bert 29 Feb 00 - 11:26 AM
kendall 29 Feb 00 - 12:08 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 29 Feb 00 - 12:49 PM
Gary T 29 Feb 00 - 09:30 PM
MK 29 Feb 00 - 09:57 PM
Chris/Darwin 01 Mar 00 - 12:04 AM
Gary T 01 Mar 00 - 12:15 AM
wysiwyg 01 Mar 00 - 12:21 AM
wysiwyg 01 Mar 00 - 12:30 AM
Mbo 01 Mar 00 - 12:45 AM
Troll 01 Mar 00 - 12:55 AM
Mbo 01 Mar 00 - 01:04 AM
Hagbardr 01 Mar 00 - 01:23 AM
rangeroger 01 Mar 00 - 01:30 AM
kendall 01 Mar 00 - 08:18 AM
Gary T 01 Mar 00 - 09:48 AM
Troll 01 Mar 00 - 12:38 PM
Mbo 01 Mar 00 - 12:42 PM
Amos 01 Mar 00 - 01:24 PM
bob schwarer 01 Mar 00 - 01:25 PM
bob schwarer 01 Mar 00 - 01:39 PM
bob schwarer 01 Mar 00 - 01:41 PM
bob schwarer 01 Mar 00 - 01:44 PM
Helen 01 Mar 00 - 06:41 PM
wysiwyg 01 Mar 00 - 06:51 PM
bob schwarer 01 Mar 00 - 07:06 PM
Gary T 01 Mar 00 - 07:24 PM
rangeroger 01 Mar 00 - 11:00 PM
Mbo 01 Mar 00 - 11:51 PM
Lonesome EJ 02 Mar 00 - 12:28 AM
Amos 02 Mar 00 - 09:41 AM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 02 Mar 00 - 11:07 AM
GUEST,Patrish 02 Mar 00 - 11:24 AM
kendall 02 Mar 00 - 11:33 AM
GUEST,Patrish 02 Mar 00 - 11:33 AM
Troll 02 Mar 00 - 11:44 AM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 02 Mar 00 - 12:50 PM
BlueJay 02 Mar 00 - 02:15 PM
Gary T 02 Mar 00 - 03:28 PM
kendall 02 Mar 00 - 07:36 PM
Helen 02 Mar 00 - 08:54 PM
Gary T 03 Mar 00 - 12:34 AM
Sorcha 03 Mar 00 - 12:59 AM
bob schwarer 03 Mar 00 - 06:50 AM
pastorpest 03 Mar 00 - 08:32 AM
Amos 03 Mar 00 - 01:24 PM
GUEST 03 Mar 00 - 02:14 PM
kendall 03 Mar 00 - 04:30 PM
Lonesome EJ 03 Mar 00 - 07:01 PM
Osmium 03 Mar 00 - 07:18 PM
Chris/Darwin 04 Mar 00 - 03:50 AM
Uncle_DaveO 04 Mar 00 - 09:09 AM
Troll 04 Mar 00 - 10:42 AM
Helen 04 Mar 00 - 06:23 PM
GUEST,Mrr-at-work 15 May 00 - 03:25 PM
Amergin 15 May 00 - 04:25 PM
Jed at Work 15 May 00 - 05:17 PM
Homeless 15 May 00 - 06:12 PM
Jim Dixon 28 Mar 01 - 08:32 PM
dick greenhaus 28 Mar 01 - 11:10 PM
GUEST,Nancy 29 Mar 01 - 03:02 AM
Mrrzy 29 Jan 20 - 08:29 AM
Donuel 29 Jan 20 - 08:45 AM
Mrrzy 29 Jan 20 - 12:39 PM
Mrrzy 29 Jan 20 - 12:40 PM
Donuel 29 Jan 20 - 02:00 PM
robomatic 29 Jan 20 - 03:24 PM
Mrrzy 29 Jan 20 - 10:21 PM
Donuel 30 Jan 20 - 09:17 AM
Acorn4 30 Jan 20 - 09:39 AM
gillymor 30 Jan 20 - 10:02 AM
An Buachaill Caol Dubh 31 Jan 20 - 09:04 PM
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Subject: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Sorcha
Date: 27 Feb 00 - 10:25 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


The fiddle player and the banjo player got mugged, and they both saw his face, so he had to shoot them. As a courtesy, the mugger let them both have one last request. The fiddle player said "Oh, can I just play Faded Love one more time?" The Banjo player said "Can you shoot me first?"
Have you had it yet, Helen?


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: GUEST,Diesel
Date: 27 Feb 00 - 10:32 PM

She offered her honour I honoured her offer And all night long I was on'er and off'er


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Feb 00 - 11:45 PM

Click here to go back to thread numero uno


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Feb 00 - 11:50 PM

SORRY, WRONG CLICKIE!

The right one I hope:

Click here to review Part I of this thread


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: kendall
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 09:24 AM

There once was a fella named Jock
He tied mandolin strings to his c..k
When he got an erection
He could play any selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach.

There once was a fella named Carter
He was known as a prodidgious farter
He could fart anything
From God Save the King
To Beethovens Moonlight Sonata.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: BlueJay
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 04:23 PM

Two Texans go into a restaurant, and are seated near a lady eating a steak. Suddenly, she grasps her throat and is turning blue. The first Texan says, "You think she needs help"? The second answers, "I reckon so". So they go to the lady's table, and properly ask, "are you choking", to which she nods yes. So the first Texan stands her up, lifts her dress and begins licking her on the butt. Well, the lady is so shocked she begins coughing, and expels the piece of steak, recovering fully. The second Texan says, "Funny how that hind lick maneuver works every time".


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: katlaughing
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 06:25 PM

New Tax Law

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

Effective as of January 1, 2000, penises will be taxed according to size.

The brackets are as follows:

10" - 12" Luxury Tax
8" - 10" Pole Tax
5" - 8" Privilege Tax
4" - 5" Nuisance Tax

Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

Issues still under consideration are as follows:

Are there penalties for early withdrawal?
Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
Are condoms deductible as work clothes?


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Troll
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 07:01 PM

There once lived a man in Madras Whose bollocks were made out of brass And in stormy weather, They both clanged together And lightning shot out of his ass!

A tutor who tooted the flute, Tried to tutor two tooters to toot Someone asked the tutor Is it harder to toot or To tutor two tooters to toot.

troll


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 07:07 PM

Q. What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd?

A. Mick Jagger says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud." The Scottish shepherd says, "Hey, Macleod, get off of my ewe."


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Hagbardr
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 07:08 PM

A priest, a minister, a rabbi, a feminist, an irishman, and a gorilla all walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"

Hagbard


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: pastorpest
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 08:50 PM

How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Just one, but the method is unique. She just holds her hand up and lets the world turn around her.

How many altos does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Altos do not change light bulbs: they just stand around complaining, "It's too high! It's too high!"

How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: Tenors do not change light bulbs either: they are technically challenged. Tenors have ressonance in their heads where their brains should be. (Sorry tenors but I am one also)

How many baritones does it take to change a light bulb?

If anyone has a good answer to this one PLEASE let me know!


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Troll
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 08:56 PM

re:Baritones. "Oh! Is it dark"

How many martians does it that to change a light bulb?

Two and three quarters.(2 3/4)

troll


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Gary T
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 09:09 PM

Uh, Troll, about the Martians--huh? (Gawd, I hate to admit when I don't get a joke!)


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Midchuck
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 09:11 PM

How many bluegrass bass players does it take to change a light bulb?

I'm not sure: One?...Five?....One?...Five?...One?....

Peter.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Troll
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 09:17 PM

When was the last time you saw 2 3/4 people? Martians are DIFFERENT!

Try this one.

How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

TWENTY! Youse got a problem wid dis?

How many WASPs does it etc.

Two. One to call the super and one to mix the martinis.

How many anarchists does it take to change a light bulb?

All of them!

troll


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: pastorpest
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 10:22 PM

How come we do not pick on ourselves more? Where are all the musical jokes?!

The definition of a folk singer: someone who sings through the nose by ear.

The definition of perfect pitch: an accordian hitting a banjo on the way to the dumpster.

The definition of a hammered dulcimer: a grand piano that was parked in a bad neighbourhood overnight and got stripped.

How is premature ejaculation like an accordian solo? You can feel it coming but you can't do a damn thing about it.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Troll
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 10:26 PM

Gentleman.one who owns a banjo. And can play it. And doesn't.

Optomist. An accordian player with a beeper.

Why do bands have a bass player. Translator for the drummer.

troll


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: rangeroger
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 10:33 PM

Three cowboys-one from Louisiana,one from Arkansas,and the other one from Texas are sitting around a campfire,out on the lonesome prairie,each with the bravado for which they are famous.A night of tall tales begins. The guy from Louisiana say,"I must be the meanest toughest cowboy there is.Why just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns,with my bare hands." The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why,I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me.I grabbed that snake with my bare hands,bit its' head off,and sucked the poison down in one gulp.And I'm still here today!" The Texan remained silent,slowly stirring the coals with his penis. rr


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Metchosin
Date: 28 Feb 00 - 11:18 PM

Why are violas larger than violins? They are the same size, the violists heads are smaller.

or

An old Scotsman was sitting in a pub, nursing a wee dram, when a young man came in and sat down beside him. The Scotsman looked around him conspiratorally and spoke to the young man.

"Aye laddie," he says, nodding towards to the window, "Do ye see that stone fence oot there. I built that. Took me ages, stone by stone, month after month, year after year, But I finally did it! But do they call me McTavish the Stone Mason?......."Nooo," he says shaking his head.

Then he takes a sip of his whiskey again and after awhile he turns to the young man seated beside him and quietly points to the bar. "See that bar there laddie, I built that. Cut and planed each board lovingly I did, polished it all to a high gleam, took forever it did, but do they call me McTavish the Carpenter?.........Nooo."

Then he points out the window again and says, "And see that pier oot there laddie, I built that, piling by piling, plank by plank, through wind and raging storm, took me months, and I did it. But do they call me McTavish the Pier Builder?.......Nooo," Then he says in exasperation under his breath again to the young man, "But you f**k one sheep……………


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Troll
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 01:44 AM

No Metchosin. violas are larger than violins so they can hold more beer.

troll


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: BlueJay
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 03:04 AM

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to change the lightbulb, and the other three to complain that it's electric.

Two guys are standing on a street corner, one is carrying a guitarcase, the other has a trumpet case, and a taxicab pulls up. Which one is the professional musician?



Answer- The cab driver!


"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy- but that could change".
Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

"It isn't pollution that's harming our environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it".DQ


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Troll
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 05:29 AM

How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to change the bulb and four to blame the Republicans for letting the old one burn out.

troll


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: kendall
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 08:14 AM

Kat, that is a riot!! the problem is, every man in the country is going to file for a tax break LOL


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: kendall
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 08:15 AM

How about some wise sayings?

The wages of sin are not reported to the IRS


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Mbo
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 08:22 AM

There are three "cowboys" all sitting in the front seat of a pickup truck. They're all dressed exactly the same. Which one is the real cowboy?




Answer: The one in the middle is the real cowboy. Because first, he don't have to drive, and second, he don't have to get out and mess with the gate!

from "Cowboy Logic" by Michael Martin Murphy.

--Mbo


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Troll
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 08:29 AM

If ten percent is enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS

No good deed goes unpunished.

troll


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 09:00 AM

Thanks, Kendall!LOL

I know I've sent this to some of you, but I don't think I've posted it before. Forgive me, please, if it is a duplicate:

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his >boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, >the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into >the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below >to swallow man and boat. > >As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards >the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my >God! Help me!" > >Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in >midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I >thought you didn't believe in Me!" > >"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just >seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" > >"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must >understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from >certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change >hearts. What would you have me do?" > >The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please >have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, >"So be it." > >The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling >towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast. > >Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, >"Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....." >


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Bert
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 10:26 AM

Why do cowboy hats turn up at the sides?


So's three of 'em can fit in the front seat of a pickup.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Mbo
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 10:33 AM

But for maximum aesthetic symmetry, the cowboy in the middle must have a Junior Brown hat, while the boles on the end must have Aussie hats with one side pinned up!

_O/ \O/ \O_

--Mbo


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 11:00 AM

My favorite music joke was a "Far Side" cartoon, so I'll have to describe it:

In the upper frame, an archangel is greeting new arrivals at the pearly gates: "Welcome to heaven. Here's your harp."

In the lower frame, the devil is also greeting new arrivals: "Welcome to hell. Here's you accordion."


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Bert
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 11:26 AM

Mine's got to be the one from 'Shoe' where Skyler appears with a guitar saying "There's a song in my heart" and Shoe says "Here's $5 - make sure it stays there!"


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: kendall
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 12:08 PM

Question.. why did the Kamakazee pilots wear helmets?
Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections?
Why do drive in ATM's have instructions in Braille?


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 12:49 PM

The above discussion of hats reminds me of something I have often wondered about: Why is it, in British comedy sketches (Monty Python, for example) Australians are often portrayed wearing broad-brimmed hats with corks dangling from the brim? I assume there must be some reality behind this stereotype. What's it all about?


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Gary T
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 09:30 PM

Jim, I have such a hat. My father gave it to me; it was given to him by a friend who had been to Australia. It was explained to me that the corks on fishing line (or whatever they use) are effective in keeping mosquitos (and perhaps other bugs) away from the face and neck. It just now occurs to me that they could be quite useful in the U.S. northwoods area.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: MK
Date: 29 Feb 00 - 09:57 PM

St. Peter is having a very boring day in heaven.

Suddenly, 3 men appear at the pearly gates. He motions the first one over to him, out of earshot of the other two.

He wlecomes and says to the man ''Listen. I'm having kind of a dull day. Why don't you tell me how you died?''

Guy says to St. Peter ''Well St. Peter, I finished my shift at work early, and though I'd come home and surprise my wife. I walk into our apartment and the first thing I see are a strange man's clothes, shirt, tie, under wear, wallet, etc. draped out over the couch --and I realize that my wife has a guy in the apartment and she's f--king around on me!

I start searching all over the apartment so I can find the s.o.b. and kill him and I can't find him anywhere. Then I glance out through the kitchen window and I see these fingertips clinging to the edge of the balcony. I go out on to the balcony and start stomping on this prick's fingertips, till they lose their grip, and then I lean over the balcony railing and watch the asshole plumet maybe 7 or 8 stories; then, he bounces off the awning of the apartment building and amazingly, lands on his feet.

Well at this point, I just completely lose it. I run back into the kitchen; unplug the refrigerator and start trying to haul it out on to the balcony so that I can heave it at the guy; I have a heart attack, and die.''

''That's the most amazing story I've heard today'', says St. Peter. ''Go get your wings and I'll see you later.''

He then motions the second guy over to him, and says ''Listen, I'm having kind of a dull day. Why don't you tell me how you died?''

Second guy says ''Ahhhhhh St. Peter. Just dumb luck. I work as a window washer by trade. I'm up washing windows on the 21st floor of this apartment buidling, mindin' my own business, when all of a sudden my safety harness snaps, I lose my balance and fall off of the scafolding. I fall maybe 5 or 6 floors, and ricochet off of some tall tree branches and I find myself just clinging by my fingertips to this balcony. Then out of the clear blue sky, some moron comes out onto the balcony and starts stomping on my fingertips; I lose my grip, and plummet about 15 floors, bounce off of the awning of this apartment builing, and miraculously.....land on my feet!!! I'm just about to look up to the sky to thank the Lord for sparing my life, when all of a sudden this f--king fridge falls on me and kills me.''

''That's the second most amazing story I've heard today!'' grins St. Peter. ''Go get your wings and I'll catch you later on.''

He then motions the third remaining guy over to him. ''So how did YOU die?'' he asks him.

Guy looks at St. Peter, shrugs his shoulders, and mumbles ''Well Geez, last thing I remember is that I was hidin' inside this refrigerator in this woman's apartment, eh.''


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Chris/Darwin
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:04 AM

Good one Michael!!

Which reminds me of a similar one.

Three blokes turn up at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the first one, "I will ask a few questions to see if you are worthy of entering heaven."

The last question is "how much did you earn last year, and how much did you give to charity?"

The bloke says, "$100,000, and I gave $20,000 to charity."

St. Peter says "good, you may enter". Off he trots, halo in hand.

St. Peter asks the same questions of the second man, and in reply to the last he says, "$50,000 and I gave $10,000 to charity".

"Good man" says St. Peter, and off he trots.

Finally, the last man, in answer to the question, answers "$5,000, and I couldn't afford to give anything to charity". St. Peter says "what instrument do you play?"

Hats with corks hanging from strings were popular when I was a kid, and you still occasionally see them in rural areas. The theory is that "bush" flies (as opposed to "house" flies) do not like being inside. When they get into a house, for example, they immediately head for the windows.

When they get inside the ring of strings/corks, they think they are inside, and immediately try to get out. The corks are simply weights, and are soft enough that they don't bruise you when they swing about.

Strange as it may seem, this actually works very effectively, and if you are in an area where there a lot of bush flies, such a hat will save your sanity.

I have been to areas where within 10 seconds of getting out of the car you have 200 or more flies crawling all over you!

This does not work with mosquitoes, or "house" flies.

Regards
Chris


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Gary T
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:15 AM

Thanks for the clarification, Chris.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: wysiwyg
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:21 AM

Well, I took a break from Mudcat, but what I found "out there" sent me straight back to y'all.

Here's what I brung back wit me, sorry I ate all the fish.

Hey, it's music related! Click here

Aha, musical AND related to recent thread postings: OK, Click here

And finally, you asked for it, you got it! And just in time for the auction??? Click here


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: wysiwyg
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:30 AM

Sorry, that last one did not send you to the right destination-- a hidden web address.

Do this--

Go to:

http://webclipart.about.com/internet/webclipart/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.snowcrest.net/kitty/hpages/zebra.html

Under the animated elephant, click on "Visit Arg! for more...

When you get to Arg!, click on Abnormal Toons from the menu on the left.

A screen will load with an image... page down a bit... wait for it... wait...

there!!

Love ya man!! I did it fer Max!


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Mbo
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:45 AM

Praise, you're starting to get as hyperactive as me!

--Mbo


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Troll
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:55 AM

Brevity is the soul of lingerie.

troll


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Mbo
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 01:04 AM

And watch out for those Finnish cooks with the cherries jubileee! Cause yer gonna get a whole lot of flaming Jean.

--mbo


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Hagbardr
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 01:23 AM

Kendell, the answers to your questions:

1. Kamakazi pilots only crashed as a last resort. If they could do damage without suicide, they did.

2. Who the hell would want to save a dirty needle?

3. They're the same buttons on the walk-up ATM's. It would cost more to make different buttons on drive thru's

Hagbard


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: rangeroger
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 01:30 AM

My vote is in for "Speedbump Possum" for animation of the year. Congrats, Praise. rr


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: kendall
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 08:18 AM

OK, now, answer this one..why do women always complain when we leave the toilet seat up?? THEY always leave it DOWN..

By the way Hagbard those were all hypothetical questions. Just as an aside, I thought Kamakazee pilots all flew flying bombs and had no other intention but to crash into ememy warships. Thats what veteran sailors always said...


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Gary T
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 09:48 AM

The "helmets" of the WWII era were not for crash protection so much as keeping the head warm (necessary for enough comfort to maintain control) and sometimes housing radio earphones. They were typically leather, not the hardshell ones we think of today.

My understanding on the Braille ATM buttons is that they were mandated by government rules (disabilities act). Blind folks can use the drive-up ones when getting a lift from a friend or in a cab. Reading the screen, however, may present a problem.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Troll
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:38 PM

Inscription on the tombstone of an old Blues-Man:

"Well I didn't get up this mornin'"

troll


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Mbo
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:42 PM

Inscription on the tombstone of an old Border Ballad composer:

"I fell about Martinmas time."

--Mbo


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Amos
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 01:24 PM

Speedbump Possum, buried here, In the winter of his year; Wasn't trucks that broke his snout Spaw done blew him inside out.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: bob schwarer
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 01:25 PM

Q: what do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: run like hell... she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: bob schwarer
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 01:39 PM

Q: why can't blondes put in light bulbs? A: they keep breaking them with the hammers.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: bob schwarer
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 01:41 PM

Q: why did the blonde snort nutra-sweet? A: she thought it was diet coke.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: bob schwarer
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 01:44 PM

One day, a blonde and a brunnette were walking on the sidewalk when the brunette stopped and exclaimed "Look! a dead bird!" The blonde immediately looked up and said "Where? Where?"

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman. "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. "Darn, he recognized me," she thought. She went for a complete disguise this time, haircut and new color, new outfit, big sunglasses, then waited a few days before she again approached the salesman. "I would like to buy this TV." "Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied. Frustrated, she exclaimed "How do you know I'm a blonde?" "Because", he replied, "that's a microwave.

Two dumb blondes were walking through the woods and they came to some tracks. The first dumb blond said "These look like deer tracks," and the other one said, "No, they look like moose tracks." They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them.

Two dumb blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

A blonde's car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so she eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two more blondes in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing oncoming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups in history of this highway occurs. It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the devil is going on here?" "My car broke down," says the lady calmly. "Well, what are those blondes doing here by the road?" screams the cop. "Those are my emergency flashers!" replied the first blonde!

A blonde teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother, "Is it true what Rita just told me"..... "Babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?" "Yes, dear." replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up, and she wouldn?t have to explain it to her daughter. "But then when I have a baby," responded the blonde teenager "won't it knock my teeth out?

A brunette, redhead and blonde went to a fitness spa for some fun and relaxation. After a stimulating healthy lunch, all three decided to visit the ladies room and found a strange-looking woman sitting at the entrance who said, "Welcome to the ladies room. Be sure to check out our newest feature: a mirror which, if you look into it and say something truthful, you will be awarded with a wish. But, be warned, for if you say something false, you will be sucked into the mirror to live in a void of nothingness for all eternity!" The three women quickly entered and upon finding the mirror, the brunette said, "I think I'm the most beautiful of us three" and in an instant she was surrounded by a pile of money. The redhead stepped up and said "I think I'm the most talented of us three" and she suddenly found the keys to a brand new Lexus in her hands. Excited over the possibility of having a wish come true, the blonde looked into the mirror and said, "I think..." and was promptly sucked into the mirror.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Helen
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 06:41 PM

Three women and their three daughters are killed in a car crash. They arrive at Heaven's Gate & St Peter beckons the first woman and daughter to him & says: "I'm sorry but you can't come into heaven. All your life you only ever thought of money, and look, you even called your daughter Penny."

So the woman grabs her daughter's hand and they both head off downstairs to hell.

The next two go to St Peter and he says, "Sorry, you only ever thought about drinking when you were alive and you called your daughter Sherry. Down you go with the others."

The third woman grabs her daughter's hand, flounces off and says "Come on Fanny, we're going!"

(Note: Remember that thread a while back about the meaning of the word "fanny" in Oz & Britain - I'm not referring to butts here)

Helen


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: wysiwyg
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 06:51 PM

bob schwarer ,

Thanks, bob, our BLONDE daughter had just about signed up as a new member! Seems to have lost her interest!

BTW, bob, are you a blonde then? Having a blonde moment?

*BG* but then I am no longer blonde.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: bob schwarer
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 07:06 PM

My wife is blond.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Gary T
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 07:24 PM

A blonde and a brunette are walking along when the blonde spies a compact on the ground. She picks it up and opens it, looking in the mirror, and says "This person sure looks familiar." The brunette grabs it and says "Let me see." Upon looking at it, she says "You dummy, it's me!"


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: rangeroger
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 11:00 PM

The reason why blonde jokes are so short (usually) is so brunettes can understand them. rr.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Mbo
Date: 01 Mar 00 - 11:51 PM

Just don't start on us redheads!

--Mbo


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 12:28 AM

A Rabbi and a Catholic Priest are playing golf. On the first tee, the Rabbi strokes a nice 200 yard drive down the center of the fairway. The Priest tees up, and slices his ball into the backyard of a house on the otherside of a creek. "God damn it!" growls the Priest. The Rabbi grips his arm, intoning. "Forebearance, Father! Rather ask 'God help me.'"

The Rabbi hits his second shot cleanly, leaving his ball on the fringe of the green. The Priest, after dropping a new ball on the edge of the fairway, steps up and smacks it into the center of a large oak tree. "God DAMN it!!" he shouts. Waiting in the cart, the Rabbi says " God HELP me is the answer, Father. Shame!" After 5 more inept shots and 5 more "God damn its" the Priest is finally on the green. Ominously, the sky has clouded over, lightning playing around the edges of the black clouds. The Priest steps up to his four foot putt, takes a deep breath as the rising wind ruffles his hair, and pushes it 2 inches wide of the cup. His face distorts, turning crimson. The Rabbi pleads " Forebearance, I beg of you Father!" Finally the Priest flings his putter into the air, shouting " GOD DAMN IT !!!"

Without warning, a tremendous lightning bolt splits the air, killing the Rabbi instantly. After a short pause, a voice is heard from above

GOD DAMN IT !


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Amos
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 09:41 AM

The day Saint Peter agreed to play golf with JEsus, they lined up at the first tee, and Saint peter hit a fair stroke that curved off and landed on the edge of the fairway, looking like par.

Then Jesus tees off and he slices badly, theball flies into a grove of trees and lands in the underbrush and rolls into a rabbithole. The rabbit comes out with the ball in his mouth and starts to lope across the fairway. A hawk swoops down and picks up the rabbit in his talons, and flies off. The rabbit drops Jesus' ball, which thus impelled bounces down the fairway onto the green. Just then a box turtle lumbers across the green and hits the ball witht he edge of his shell, which sends it into the cup for a hole in one.

Peter, exasperated, turns to Jesus and says, "Jesus! Did you come here to play golf, or did you come here to screw around?"


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 11:07 AM

A blonde's idea of "safe sex": A bed with a padded headboard.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: GUEST,Patrish
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 11:24 AM

The lads are in the local and Jesus changes 12 glasses of water into wine. the lads in chorus say "get lost Jesus get your round in like everyone else"


Patrish


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: kendall
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 11:33 AM

Three blonde women are stranded on an island. They can see the mainland, but, cant get to it.One picked up a bottle..out comes a genie who says "There are three of you, so, you get one wish each." Blonde #1 says "Make me intelligent." Poof..genie turned her into a brunette, and, she swam to the mainland. Blonde 2 says "Make me brighter than that>" Poof.. it turned her into a redhead, she built a boat and sailed to the mainland. Blonde #3 said "Make me the brightest of all." poof it turned her into a man and she walked across the bridge....running for cover lol


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: GUEST,Patrish
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 11:33 AM

This is a true story or an urban legend and its a bit rude...... so be warned.
My work mate used to work at a technical college, he worked with one Michael Hunt. He asked his secretary to go to the cafeteria to call him as he needed to talk to him urgently. Micheal was away known as Mike. She did as she was asked and was amazed at the strange looks she got when she shouted "Has anyone seen Mike Hunt" ...not once but several times


Patrish


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Troll
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 11:44 AM

My Wife is a schoolteacher She teacher gifted students in a small rural school system and as a consequence has the same group of students from 1st to 8th grade. She had a Michael Hunt in her class(who went on to train dolphins and whales but thats another story) and it was a constant problem for him. One of the secretaries had to have it explained to her before he could get her to stop paging him over the school intercom as Mike Hunt.

troll


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 12:50 PM

WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED TENURE AT ANY UNIVERSITY

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a refereed journal.

5. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, he deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

13. Some say he had his son teach the class.

14. He expelled his first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed his tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: BlueJay
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 02:15 PM

This is really old, but I was surprised a while ago when in a WalMart. Over the intercom, a lady announced: "Seymore Butts, you have a call at the service desk, Seymore Butts...". I looked at the guy coming down the aisle toward me, and I asked,"did you just hear that"? He smiled, shook his head, and we both went on our ways. I didn't think anyone could fall for that old gag.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Gary T
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 03:28 PM

Favorite April Fools gag--leave a written message to return a phone call to Mr./Ms. Behr, or Lyon, or Wolfe, with the local zoo's number.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: kendall
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 07:36 PM

that should have said " rhetorical" questions, not hypothetical..


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Helen
Date: 02 Mar 00 - 08:54 PM

Patrish,

There is a local rock band here called The Pork Hunts but they had to change the name because of the backlash and now call themselves The Porkers.

Jim, I like that one. I just un-enrolled in my research degree, for the time being, but I think my research supervisor would like to see this.

Helen


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Gary T
Date: 03 Mar 00 - 12:34 AM

A 90-year-old lady is going up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walks, she flips up the hem of her nightgown and yells, "Supersex! Supersex!" She walks up to a male senior citizen in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she shouts, "Supersex!" The old man sits silently thinking for a moment then looking up at her, shudders, and says, "Soup!"


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Sorcha
Date: 03 Mar 00 - 12:59 AM

Jim Dixon, sounds like Maimonedes to me........get off on pilpul!


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: bob schwarer
Date: 03 Mar 00 - 06:50 AM

(Dr Schalmbaugh, University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering is known for asking questions such as this on his final exams.)

May 1997, Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II Final Exam Question:

"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with truth."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?

I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

Case 1: If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Case 2: If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Theresa Banyan during my freshman year, "it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then case 2 cannot be true.

Thus, hell is exothermic.

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.

--


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: pastorpest
Date: 03 Mar 00 - 08:32 AM

Anyone remember the genre of "music backwards" jokes from a few years back? I remember just two.

What do your get when you play country music backwards? You get your wife back, your horse back, your dog back your truck back, etc.

What do you get when you play new age music backwards? New age music.

Please add more and refresh my memory.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Amos
Date: 03 Mar 00 - 01:24 PM

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother
couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate and this only
made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the
roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I
know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just
roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful sliver gravy ladle.
You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it but
I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: Dear
Mother, I am not saying you "did" take a gravy ladle from my house, and I am
not saying you "did not" take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Your Son.

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read:

Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying
you "do not" sleep with Julie, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom.

LESSON OF THE DAY: DON'T LIE TO YOUR MOTHER


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Mar 00 - 02:14 PM

Ethel approached Albert in the nursing home one day and asked him take her to the cinema. "Nah, what do I want to go to the cinema for?" says Albert. "Oh go on", says Ethel, "there's a really good film showing." "No thanks" Albert replies. "Look", says Ethel, "if you take me to the cinema, I promise I'll hold your todger all the way through the film." "Oh, alright then", says Albert and they go to the cinema that night.

Two weeks later Ethel asks Albert to take her to see another film. "No thanks", says Albert, "I'm going with Mary instead."

"You're going with Mary!" exclaims Ethel, "Why, what has she got that I haven't?"

"Parkinsons", replies Albert.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: kendall
Date: 03 Mar 00 - 04:30 PM

A tourist stopped to talk to a Maine farmer who was mending a fence near the road. After talking a while, the tourist asked "Why doesn't that cow have any horns?" Farmer says, "There are many reasons why cows dont have horns, sometimes they get diseased and fall off, sometimes we cut them off so they dont hook the other cows, but, the reason that particular animal has no horns is because it's a horse."


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 03 Mar 00 - 07:01 PM

Dan, Roger and John were playing golf behind a very slow foursome. They waited 15 minutes or longer at each tee while the inept linksters smacked their balls in and out of the fairways. Worse, they apparently had a Pro with them who kept running back and forth between them, giving advice. After nine excruciating holes, the threesome caught up to the duffers at the clubhouse turn. John stomped up, reluctantly accompanied by Dan and Roger. " What in hell is the matter with you idiots?" he said. "If you can't play any faster than that you don't belong on the course!"

The Pro stepped up to John and said in a low voice " Pipe down! These are four blind golfers, and they are doing their best!"

Roger cleared his throat and said "We're terribly sorry! I'd like to buy each and every one of you a drink at the end of the game." Dan stepped up and said, "and dinner! Dinner will be on me!" They scowled at John, who stood glaring at the ground."What do you have to say, John?" said Roger."I don't see why the hell," said John "they can't just play at night!"


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Osmium
Date: 03 Mar 00 - 07:18 PM

So this guy goes into a restaurant and sees this beeeeautiful blonde apparentlly talking to herself. After a while he goes over and asks her what she's doing. In answer she pulls back her beeeeeautifull long blonde hair and gesticulates to the head piece of a Walkman.

Having seen her once Mr.Besotted goes back frequently only to be faced with same response to his attempts to strike up conversation.

Finally the day comes when he is so frustrated that he rips of the head phones only to see the Blonde collapse on the floor and die.

Amazed (to say the least) he listens to the phones only to hear;

Breathe in, breathe out!


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Chris/Darwin
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 03:50 AM

In Australia there is a Federal politician and a NSW State politician with the names Richard Face and Richard Head.

It must have been fun for them at school.

Regards
Chris


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 09:09 AM

In the Army, I knew of a Sgt. Faddis. That's the way he pronounced it, but no-one else did. Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Troll
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 10:42 AM

On board my ship (US Navy) one cruse we had two marines named Dahl and Love hwo took great delight in calling out to each other at every opportunity and then laughing at peoples reactions.This was back in the mid-60's and homophobia was rampant in the services so they got some pretty strange looks.

troll


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Helen
Date: 04 Mar 00 - 06:23 PM

Chris,

Richard Face is a Newcastle polly. Yes, we make jokes about his name.

Helen


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: GUEST,Mrr-at-work
Date: 15 May 00 - 03:25 PM

Found this thread looking for something else, it's hilarious, how's work, Helen? Will add some work-related jokes when I get mySOH back. Till then, this will have to do:
A blonde is on an transcontinental airplane trying to sleep, but the guy next to her keeps trying to talk. He says Let's play a game, I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer it, you pay me $5, and then you can ask me a question, and if I can't answer, you win $5. She continues trying to sleep so he says How about if I can't answer I pay you $50, but you still only pay me 5 (figuring since she's a blonde, he doesn't have to worry). So to get him to shut up, she agrees, and he asks her Why is the sky blue. She hands him $5 and tries to go back to sleep, but the guy keeps harping Come on, ask me a question. So she asks, What goes up a hill on 3legs and comes down on 4, and shuts her eyes again. For the next 2 hours she sleeps while he does Internet searches, calls friends, tries to figure out the answer. Eventually he wakes her up and hands her $50, and she goes back to sleep. But the guy can't stand it, wakes her up and asks, Well, what's the answer? So the blonde hands him $5 and goes back to sleep!


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Amergin
Date: 15 May 00 - 04:25 PM

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly, "Not an excuse. You can write with your other hand."


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Jed at Work
Date: 15 May 00 - 05:17 PM

A man and his little daughter walk into the local barber shop, and as the barber starts trimming the man's hair, the little girl stands right beside her Dad, enjoying a snack cake.

"You know," said the barber smiling down at the little girl, "you're going to get hair on your twinkie."

"Yup, I know," says the child, "and I'm gunna get boobs, too!"


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Homeless
Date: 15 May 00 - 06:12 PM

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed in the following are not necessarily those of the poster. I didn't make these up - I'm just propagating them.

Blondes, having endured years of abuse, have finally responded.
Here's what they have to say about redheads and brunettes!

How do you get a redhead to argue with you?
Say something

How do you get a redhead's mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds

If you love a Redhead, set her free ... if she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours.

What's safer: a redhead or a piranha?
The piranha. They only attack in schools.

What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
Normal.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A redhead!

How do you know when your redhead has forgiven you?
She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.

How do you know when a redhead has been using a computer?
There's a hammer embedded in the monitor.

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead happy:
One is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

What's black and blue and brown and lying in a ditch?
A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
Brown-bagging it.

What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
No one else wants it.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
Invisible.

What's a brunette's mating call?
"Has the blonde left yet?"

Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Why is the brunette considered an evil color?
When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
The invitation.

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A hostage.

Who makes bras for brunettes?
Fisher-Price.

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
It matches their mustache.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 28 Mar 01 - 08:32 PM

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and said: "[F-word] you!"

She smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 28 Mar 01 - 11:10 PM

And there was this blonde with square bazooms because nobody told her to take the Kleenex out of the box...


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: GUEST,Nancy
Date: 29 Mar 01 - 03:02 AM

AND THE YEAR'S BEST HEADLINES ARE...

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse To Work After Death
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found By Tree
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last A While
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Feed Needy
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Hospitals Are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

HTML line breaks added. -JoeClone 29-Mar-01.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 08:29 AM

Have not read the whole thread yet but true story, I was at a vineyard where there were people playing music, and I was wandering around I see a guy walking towards me with a banjo, and I said Oh, I didn't know we were having a bonfire!

Well, *I* thought it was funny.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 08:45 AM

I was struck by the fact that this 20 year old thread reveals the degree to which our current generation has been 'dumbed down'.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 12:39 PM

Ooh Donuel, how true.

Now I'm in my brain looking for something funny so we don't thread-creep and keep this a humor thread.

Oh OK - I meant looking in my brain, but in my brain looking is funny!


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 12:40 PM

So we don't thread creep and so we do keep it a humor thread, sorry.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 02:00 PM

I am so blonde even my barber doesn't think its real after a month in the sun. I guess one does't expect to see older real blondes with a full head of hair. I have noticed that blonde jokes have become shorter and shorter over the last 20 years so that men can remember them.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: robomatic
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 03:24 PM

There is this cowboy and at the saloon he is mostly popular with the clientele because he tells so many good jokes. But a visiting muleskinner resents that so many of them 'dumb muleskinner jokes' are directed at his profession.
"Please tell a joke about someone besides muleskinners." he asks.
"Sure, pardner." says the cowboy. "Who would you like me to make the next joke about?"
"Well, okay, make the next one about stage drivers. And make it good!"
"Okay, okay, keep your shirt on. There's these two stage drivers, see?"
"Yeah?"
"And they're skinning this mule..."


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Jan 20 - 10:21 PM

I first heard this as a Bush (Sr) joke but it came back about a week later as a blonde joke:

Headline: 7 Brazilians killed
Idiot, in an aside: How many are in a brazillion again?


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jan 20 - 09:17 AM

Speedbump Trump, buried here, In the winter of this year; Wasn't Dems that broke his snout Lies blew him inside out.

Its a small world but I wouldn't want to paint it.

My dental hygenist is very exotic and looks Polynesion. I asked her and she said she was half American Indian and half Scotish. Now whenever I get my teeth cleaned I eat a box of caramel followed by a bag of Oreos.

I installed a skylight in my ceiling. My upstairs neighbors are furious.


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: Acorn4
Date: 30 Jan 20 - 09:39 AM

How long before this thread degenerates into "handbags at fifty paces"?


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Jan 20 - 10:02 AM

Saw this bumper sticker yesterday-


Click


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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II
From: An Buachaill Caol Dubh
Date: 31 Jan 20 - 09:04 PM

Three wee mice, all male, were crouched under the floorboards of a pub, getting mightily drunk on the splashings of booze dripping through the cracks, and boasting of their prowess in the way you'ld expect, since it's required for the joke.

Mouse 1.   "See me? See when Ah get hame? There's aye this wee lump o'cheese left out fur me, stack oan a wee metal spike oan a wee bitty wid; whenever Ah hanches at the cheese this metal bar comes doun awfy fast, it's a rerr terr tae catch it an hae a quick wurrk-oot, keeps the muscles souple, ken-whit-Ah-mean?"
(Mouse imitates some gym-work)

Mouse 2.   "That's naethin! See ME? I used tae be right intae the cheese masel', but nou Ah'm aa aboot this grey powder they lea' oot, wee daud ae that oan the back o' yer paw an' sniff it up yer neb, Ya Dancer! Sax oors oan yer back, paws-up, nae danger."
(Mouse indicates extreme relaxation)

Both these Mice look expectantly at their companion. Mouse three rises to go, and...

Mouse 3.   "Ah'm awa' hame tae ride the cat."


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