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Lost My Sense of Humor II
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Subject: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Sorcha Date: 27 Feb 00 - 10:25 PM Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'The fiddle player and the banjo player got mugged, and they both saw his face, so he had to shoot them. As a courtesy, the mugger let them both have one last request. The fiddle player said "Oh, can I just play Faded Love one more time?" The Banjo player said "Can you shoot me first?" Have you had it yet, Helen? |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: GUEST,Diesel Date: 27 Feb 00 - 10:32 PM She offered her honour I honoured her offer And all night long I was on'er and off'er
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: GUEST Date: 27 Feb 00 - 11:45 PM Click here to go back to thread numero uno |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: GUEST Date: 27 Feb 00 - 11:50 PM SORRY, WRONG CLICKIE! The right one I hope: Click here to review Part I of this thread |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: kendall Date: 28 Feb 00 - 09:24 AM There once was a fella named Jock He tied mandolin strings to his c..k When he got an erection He could play any selection From Johann Sebastian Bach.
There once was a fella named Carter |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: BlueJay Date: 28 Feb 00 - 04:23 PM Two Texans go into a restaurant, and are seated near a lady eating a steak. Suddenly, she grasps her throat and is turning blue. The first Texan says, "You think she needs help"? The second answers, "I reckon so". So they go to the lady's table, and properly ask, "are you choking", to which she nods yes. So the first Texan stands her up, lifts her dress and begins licking her on the butt. Well, the lady is so shocked she begins coughing, and expels the piece of steak, recovering fully. The second Texan says, "Funny how that hind lick maneuver works every time". |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: katlaughing Date: 28 Feb 00 - 06:25 PM New Tax Law The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts. Effective as of January 1, 2000, penises will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
10" - 12" Luxury Tax Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION! Issues still under consideration are as follows:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal? |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Troll Date: 28 Feb 00 - 07:01 PM There once lived a man in Madras Whose bollocks were made out of brass And in stormy weather, They both clanged together And lightning shot out of his ass! A tutor who tooted the flute, Tried to tutor two tooters to toot Someone asked the tutor Is it harder to toot or To tutor two tooters to toot. troll |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: GUEST,Jim Dixon Date: 28 Feb 00 - 07:07 PM Q. What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish shepherd? A. Mick Jagger says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud." The Scottish shepherd says, "Hey, Macleod, get off of my ewe." |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Hagbardr Date: 28 Feb 00 - 07:08 PM A priest, a minister, a rabbi, a feminist, an irishman, and a gorilla all walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?" Hagbard |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: pastorpest Date: 28 Feb 00 - 08:50 PM How many sopranos does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Just one, but the method is unique. She just holds her hand up and lets the world turn around her. How many altos does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Altos do not change light bulbs: they just stand around complaining, "It's too high! It's too high!" How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Tenors do not change light bulbs either: they are technically challenged. Tenors have ressonance in their heads where their brains should be. (Sorry tenors but I am one also) How many baritones does it take to change a light bulb? If anyone has a good answer to this one PLEASE let me know! |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Troll Date: 28 Feb 00 - 08:56 PM re:Baritones. "Oh! Is it dark" How many martians does it that to change a light bulb? Two and three quarters.(2 3/4) troll |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Gary T Date: 28 Feb 00 - 09:09 PM Uh, Troll, about the Martians--huh? (Gawd, I hate to admit when I don't get a joke!) |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Midchuck Date: 28 Feb 00 - 09:11 PM How many bluegrass bass players does it take to change a light bulb? I'm not sure: One?...Five?....One?...Five?...One?.... Peter. |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Troll Date: 28 Feb 00 - 09:17 PM When was the last time you saw 2 3/4 people? Martians are DIFFERENT! Try this one. How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb? TWENTY! Youse got a problem wid dis? How many WASPs does it etc. Two. One to call the super and one to mix the martinis. How many anarchists does it take to change a light bulb? All of them! troll |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: pastorpest Date: 28 Feb 00 - 10:22 PM How come we do not pick on ourselves more? Where are all the musical jokes?! The definition of a folk singer: someone who sings through the nose by ear. The definition of perfect pitch: an accordian hitting a banjo on the way to the dumpster. The definition of a hammered dulcimer: a grand piano that was parked in a bad neighbourhood overnight and got stripped. How is premature ejaculation like an accordian solo? You can feel it coming but you can't do a damn thing about it. |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Troll Date: 28 Feb 00 - 10:26 PM Gentleman.one who owns a banjo. And can play it. And doesn't. Optomist. An accordian player with a beeper. Why do bands have a bass player. Translator for the drummer. troll |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: rangeroger Date: 28 Feb 00 - 10:33 PM Three cowboys-one from Louisiana,one from Arkansas,and the other one from Texas are sitting around a campfire,out on the lonesome prairie,each with the bravado for which they are famous.A night of tall tales begins. The guy from Louisiana say,"I must be the meanest toughest cowboy there is.Why just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns,with my bare hands." The guy from Arkansas couldn't stand to be bested. "Why,I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot long rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me.I grabbed that snake with my bare hands,bit its' head off,and sucked the poison down in one gulp.And I'm still here today!" The Texan remained silent,slowly stirring the coals with his penis. rr |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Metchosin Date: 28 Feb 00 - 11:18 PM Why are violas larger than violins? They are the same size, the violists heads are smaller.
or
An old Scotsman was sitting in a pub, nursing a wee dram, when a young man came in and sat down beside him. The Scotsman looked around him conspiratorally and spoke to the young man.
Then he takes a sip of his whiskey again and after awhile he turns to the young man seated beside him and quietly points to the bar. "See that bar there laddie, I built that. Cut and planed each board lovingly I did, polished it all to a high gleam, took forever it did, but do they call me McTavish the Carpenter?.........Nooo." Then he points out the window again and says, "And see that pier oot there laddie, I built that, piling by piling, plank by plank, through wind and raging storm, took me months, and I did it. But do they call me McTavish the Pier Builder?.......Nooo," Then he says in exasperation under his breath again to the young man, "But you f**k one sheep…………… |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Troll Date: 29 Feb 00 - 01:44 AM No Metchosin. violas are larger than violins so they can hold more beer. troll |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: BlueJay Date: 29 Feb 00 - 03:04 AM How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to change the lightbulb, and the other three to complain that it's electric. Two guys are standing on a street corner, one is carrying a guitarcase, the other has a trumpet case, and a taxicab pulls up. Which one is the professional musician? Answer- The cab driver! "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy- but that could change". Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89 "It isn't pollution that's harming our environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it".DQ |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Troll Date: 29 Feb 00 - 05:29 AM How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? Five. One to change the bulb and four to blame the Republicans for letting the old one burn out. troll |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: kendall Date: 29 Feb 00 - 08:14 AM Kat, that is a riot!! the problem is, every man in the country is going to file for a tax break LOL |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: kendall Date: 29 Feb 00 - 08:15 AM How about some wise sayings? The wages of sin are not reported to the IRS |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Mbo Date: 29 Feb 00 - 08:22 AM There are three "cowboys" all sitting in the front seat of a pickup truck. They're all dressed exactly the same. Which one is the real cowboy? Answer: The one in the middle is the real cowboy. Because first, he don't have to drive, and second, he don't have to get out and mess with the gate! from "Cowboy Logic" by Michael Martin Murphy. --Mbo |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Troll Date: 29 Feb 00 - 08:29 AM If ten percent is enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS No good deed goes unpunished. troll |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: katlaughing Date: 29 Feb 00 - 09:00 AM Thanks, Kendall!LOL I know I've sent this to some of you, but I don't think I've posted it before. Forgive me, please, if it is a duplicate: An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his >boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, >the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into >the air. The monster then opened its mouth while waiting below >to swallow man and boat. > >As the man sailed head over heels and started to fall towards >the open jaws of the ferocious beast he cried out, "Oh, my >God! Help me!" > >Suddenly, the scene froze in place. As the atheist hung in >midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I >thought you didn't believe in Me!" > >"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just >seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" > >"Well," said God, "now that you are a believer you must >understand that I won't work miracles to snatch you from >certain death in the jaws of the monster, but I can change >hearts. What would you have me do?" > >The atheist thinks for a minute and then says, "God, please >have the Loch Ness Monster believe in You also." God replies, >"So be it." > >The scene starts in motion again with the atheist falling >towards the ravenous jaws of the ferocious beast. > >Then the Loch Ness Monster folds his claws together and says, >"Lord, bless this food You have so graciously provided....." > |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Bert Date: 29 Feb 00 - 10:26 AM Why do cowboy hats turn up at the sides? So's three of 'em can fit in the front seat of a pickup. |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Mbo Date: 29 Feb 00 - 10:33 AM But for maximum aesthetic symmetry, the cowboy in the middle must have a Junior Brown hat, while the boles on the end must have Aussie hats with one side pinned up! _O/ \O/ \O_ --Mbo |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: GUEST,Jim Dixon Date: 29 Feb 00 - 11:00 AM My favorite music joke was a "Far Side" cartoon, so I'll have to describe it: In the upper frame, an archangel is greeting new arrivals at the pearly gates: "Welcome to heaven. Here's your harp." In the lower frame, the devil is also greeting new arrivals: "Welcome to hell. Here's you accordion." |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Bert Date: 29 Feb 00 - 11:26 AM Mine's got to be the one from 'Shoe' where Skyler appears with a guitar saying "There's a song in my heart" and Shoe says "Here's $5 - make sure it stays there!" |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: kendall Date: 29 Feb 00 - 12:08 PM Question.. why did the Kamakazee pilots wear helmets? Why do they use sterile needles for lethal injections? Why do drive in ATM's have instructions in Braille? |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: GUEST,Jim Dixon Date: 29 Feb 00 - 12:49 PM The above discussion of hats reminds me of something I have often wondered about: Why is it, in British comedy sketches (Monty Python, for example) Australians are often portrayed wearing broad-brimmed hats with corks dangling from the brim? I assume there must be some reality behind this stereotype. What's it all about? |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Gary T Date: 29 Feb 00 - 09:30 PM Jim, I have such a hat. My father gave it to me; it was given to him by a friend who had been to Australia. It was explained to me that the corks on fishing line (or whatever they use) are effective in keeping mosquitos (and perhaps other bugs) away from the face and neck. It just now occurs to me that they could be quite useful in the U.S. northwoods area. |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: MK Date: 29 Feb 00 - 09:57 PM St. Peter is having a very boring day in heaven. Suddenly, 3 men appear at the pearly gates. He motions the first one over to him, out of earshot of the other two. He wlecomes and says to the man ''Listen. I'm having kind of a dull day. Why don't you tell me how you died?'' Guy says to St. Peter ''Well St. Peter, I finished my shift at work early, and though I'd come home and surprise my wife. I walk into our apartment and the first thing I see are a strange man's clothes, shirt, tie, under wear, wallet, etc. draped out over the couch --and I realize that my wife has a guy in the apartment and she's f--king around on me! I start searching all over the apartment so I can find the s.o.b. and kill him and I can't find him anywhere. Then I glance out through the kitchen window and I see these fingertips clinging to the edge of the balcony. I go out on to the balcony and start stomping on this prick's fingertips, till they lose their grip, and then I lean over the balcony railing and watch the asshole plumet maybe 7 or 8 stories; then, he bounces off the awning of the apartment building and amazingly, lands on his feet. Well at this point, I just completely lose it. I run back into the kitchen; unplug the refrigerator and start trying to haul it out on to the balcony so that I can heave it at the guy; I have a heart attack, and die.'' ''That's the most amazing story I've heard today'', says St. Peter. ''Go get your wings and I'll see you later.'' He then motions the second guy over to him, and says ''Listen, I'm having kind of a dull day. Why don't you tell me how you died?'' Second guy says ''Ahhhhhh St. Peter. Just dumb luck. I work as a window washer by trade. I'm up washing windows on the 21st floor of this apartment buidling, mindin' my own business, when all of a sudden my safety harness snaps, I lose my balance and fall off of the scafolding. I fall maybe 5 or 6 floors, and ricochet off of some tall tree branches and I find myself just clinging by my fingertips to this balcony. Then out of the clear blue sky, some moron comes out onto the balcony and starts stomping on my fingertips; I lose my grip, and plummet about 15 floors, bounce off of the awning of this apartment builing, and miraculously.....land on my feet!!! I'm just about to look up to the sky to thank the Lord for sparing my life, when all of a sudden this f--king fridge falls on me and kills me.'' ''That's the second most amazing story I've heard today!'' grins St. Peter. ''Go get your wings and I'll catch you later on.'' He then motions the third remaining guy over to him. ''So how did YOU die?'' he asks him. Guy looks at St. Peter, shrugs his shoulders, and mumbles ''Well Geez, last thing I remember is that I was hidin' inside this refrigerator in this woman's apartment, eh.'' |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Chris/Darwin Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:04 AM Good one Michael!! Which reminds me of a similar one. Three blokes turn up at the pearly gates. St. Peter tells the first one, "I will ask a few questions to see if you are worthy of entering heaven." The last question is "how much did you earn last year, and how much did you give to charity?" The bloke says, "$100,000, and I gave $20,000 to charity." St. Peter says "good, you may enter". Off he trots, halo in hand. St. Peter asks the same questions of the second man, and in reply to the last he says, "$50,000 and I gave $10,000 to charity". "Good man" says St. Peter, and off he trots. Finally, the last man, in answer to the question, answers "$5,000, and I couldn't afford to give anything to charity". St. Peter says "what instrument do you play?" Hats with corks hanging from strings were popular when I was a kid, and you still occasionally see them in rural areas. The theory is that "bush" flies (as opposed to "house" flies) do not like being inside. When they get into a house, for example, they immediately head for the windows. When they get inside the ring of strings/corks, they think they are inside, and immediately try to get out. The corks are simply weights, and are soft enough that they don't bruise you when they swing about. Strange as it may seem, this actually works very effectively, and if you are in an area where there a lot of bush flies, such a hat will save your sanity. I have been to areas where within 10 seconds of getting out of the car you have 200 or more flies crawling all over you! This does not work with mosquitoes, or "house" flies.
Regards
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Gary T Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:15 AM Thanks for the clarification, Chris. |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: wysiwyg Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:21 AM Well, I took a break from Mudcat, but what I found "out there" sent me straight back to y'all. Here's what I brung back wit me, sorry I ate all the fish. Hey, it's music related! Click here Aha, musical AND related to recent thread postings: OK, Click here And finally, you asked for it, you got it! And just in time for the auction??? Click here |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: wysiwyg Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:30 AM Sorry, that last one did not send you to the right destination-- a hidden web address. Do this-- Go to: http://webclipart.about.com/internet/webclipart/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.snowcrest.net/kitty/hpages/zebra.html Under the animated elephant, click on "Visit Arg! for more... When you get to Arg!, click on Abnormal Toons from the menu on the left. A screen will load with an image... page down a bit... wait for it... wait... there!! Love ya man!! I did it fer Max! |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Mbo Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:45 AM Praise, you're starting to get as hyperactive as me! --Mbo |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Troll Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:55 AM Brevity is the soul of lingerie. troll |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Mbo Date: 01 Mar 00 - 01:04 AM And watch out for those Finnish cooks with the cherries jubileee! Cause yer gonna get a whole lot of flaming Jean. --mbo |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Hagbardr Date: 01 Mar 00 - 01:23 AM Kendell, the answers to your questions: 1. Kamakazi pilots only crashed as a last resort. If they could do damage without suicide, they did. 2. Who the hell would want to save a dirty needle? 3. They're the same buttons on the walk-up ATM's. It would cost more to make different buttons on drive thru's Hagbard |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: rangeroger Date: 01 Mar 00 - 01:30 AM My vote is in for "Speedbump Possum" for animation of the year. Congrats, Praise. rr |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: kendall Date: 01 Mar 00 - 08:18 AM OK, now, answer this one..why do women always complain when we leave the toilet seat up?? THEY always leave it DOWN.. By the way Hagbard those were all hypothetical questions. Just as an aside, I thought Kamakazee pilots all flew flying bombs and had no other intention but to crash into ememy warships. Thats what veteran sailors always said... |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Gary T Date: 01 Mar 00 - 09:48 AM The "helmets" of the WWII era were not for crash protection so much as keeping the head warm (necessary for enough comfort to maintain control) and sometimes housing radio earphones. They were typically leather, not the hardshell ones we think of today. My understanding on the Braille ATM buttons is that they were mandated by government rules (disabilities act). Blind folks can use the drive-up ones when getting a lift from a friend or in a cab. Reading the screen, however, may present a problem. |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Troll Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:38 PM Inscription on the tombstone of an old Blues-Man: "Well I didn't get up this mornin'" troll |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Mbo Date: 01 Mar 00 - 12:42 PM Inscription on the tombstone of an old Border Ballad composer: "I fell about Martinmas time." --Mbo |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: Amos Date: 01 Mar 00 - 01:24 PM Speedbump Possum, buried here, In the winter of his year; Wasn't trucks that broke his snout Spaw done blew him inside out. |
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Subject: RE: Lost My Sense of Humor II From: bob schwarer Date: 01 Mar 00 - 01:25 PM Q: what do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: run like hell... she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. |
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