Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!

Subject: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: GUEST,skarpi Iceland.
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 07:39 AM

Hallo all , I am here at my work and I am having a bad day today, so I need some good Irish jokes to chear up my spirit. All the best skarpi Iceland.

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Tommy
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 07:50 AM

Heard them all before. Why not recite some the famous 'Eric the Icelandic man' jokes instead?

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: pastorpest
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 08:07 AM

A priest liked the local race track and figured the parish could make some money by having its own horse. So he took all the parish funds he could round up and purchased, not a race horse (insufficient funds) but a donkey. He entered the donkey in the local derby and it came in third. The headline in the local paper the next day read: PRIEST'S ASS SHOWS. The bishop was annoyed.

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: pastorpest
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 08:18 AM

I still hit the wrong button!!!

The priest entered the donkey again and it came in first. The headline read, PRIEST'S ASS OUT IN FRONT.

Naturally the priest entered the donkey in another race, but the bishop nixed it. The headline the next day read, BISHOP SCRATCHES PRIEST'S ASS.

The bishop ordered the priest to get rid of the donkey so he gave it to a nunnery on the other side of town. The next day's headline read, NUNS HAVE BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The enraged bishop ordered the nuns to get rid of the donkey altogether. They sold it. The headline the next day read, NUNS PEDDLE ASS FOR TEN POUNDS.

Sorry about all the false alarms. I did not know that the Tab button worked to "submit".

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: Barbara
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 08:18 AM

So where's the rest of the joke, pastorpest? I believe there are at least two more headlines, possibly three.
Blessings,
Barbara

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: JedMarum
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 08:31 AM

Irishman: "Nice dog you got there, Jimmy. Mind if I speak to him?"
Scotsman: "Ach, yer daft. My dog doesn't talk."
Irishman: "Hello to ya, Master dog, and how's it going this fine day?"
Dog: "Goin' alright."
Scotsman: Look of shock!!
Irishman: "Is this Scotsman your owner?" pointing at Scotsman.
Dog: "Yep."
Irishman: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "He treats me jus' fine. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the river once a week to play."
Scotsman: Look of total disbelief.
Irishman: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Scotsman: looking a bit tentative, "My horse doesn't talk."
Irishman: "Hello there, horse, and how is it going for you today?"
Horse: "Couldn't be better!" exclaimed the horse joyfully.
Scotsman: Extreme look of shock!!!!
Irishman: "Is this your owner?" pointing at Scotsman.
Horse: " 'Tis"
Irishman: "And how does he treat you?"
Horse: "He treats me very well, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."
Scotsman: Total look of utter amazement.
Irishman: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Scotsman: "Now that sheep's a liar."

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: InOBU
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 08:31 AM

Back in the days... Primeminister Thatcher goes to Belfast (joke enough right there!) They want to show her how smart the weens are, so they take her to a Protestant school where there is a single Catholic, Young Bad Bobbie McKillan. The teacher sais, Can any of ye tell Mrs. Thatcher the meaning of Tragidy?
Annie McMasters says, I can, I can teacher, it is when, say, two cars crash at an intersection and everyone is kilt, and that is a tragidy.
Och no dear, that is no tragidy, that is an accedent!
So little Billy Craig, whoes father works at Harland Wolff, building ships, says, Och I can, I can, it is loyk if two of the big ships me daddy builds crash in the ocean and sink and everyone is drownded and that is a tragidy isntitnot?
No its not, Billy, that is a great loss!
Bad Bobbie McKillan shoots up out of his chair, OCH I KNOW! I KNOW! A tragidy is like if the IRA puts a wee bomb under Mrs. Thatcher and blows her to little bits and thats a tragidy!
Much surprised and pleased the teacher says, Aye! Thats it, Bobbie, that is a tragidy, and can you tell us why?!
BECAUSE IT IS NO ACCEDENT AND NO GREAT LOSS! Bobbie roars back (fully chuffed!)
THE END!
All the best
Larry

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: Conrad Bladey (Peasant- Inactive)
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 09:03 AM

Ok You asked.... The Irish Joke Collection"

Enjoy!!!!

Conrad

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: DocMando
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 10:18 AM

An Irishman walking along the shore notices an old lamp lying among the rocks. He picks it up, rubs the dirt off of it and a genie comes out of the lamp. The genie tells the Irishman he will grant him three wishes. The Irishman says "Well first off, I'd like a bottle of Guiness that never goes dry". "Done" says the genie, and the Irishman is holding a bottle of Guiness. The Irishman promptly drinks it down and watches in delight as it magically fills back up. Again he drinks it down and watches it fill up. A third time he drinks it down, and by now the genie is becoming impatient. "So what do you want for your other two wishes"? askes the irritated genie. "Oh", replies the Irishman, "Just give me another two bottles like this one".

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: GUEST,SDSHAD
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 11:04 AM

So, every Friday, like clockwork, Jimmy O'Shea comes into his favorite pub, and orders pints of stout in quantities of three. Drinks 'em down, one by one, orders up three more, and then three more, depending on Jimmy's current mood and fortunes.

Finally, the publican can contain his curiousity no longer, and has to ask: "Jimmy O'Shea, why do you always order yer pints in quantity o' three? You know I'd still have enough Guinness left for you if you ordered 'em up one at a time."

"Oh, _that_. Well, I'll tell you, Pat, that's to honor me two brothers. One of 'em's off in Australia, and the other in Amerikay, so whenevers an individual one of goes to pub, he orders up in quantity of three, so that in a symbolical sort of way, we're drinking together, in each others' honor."

"Ah, that's a beautiful thing, there, Jimmy. Don't change it a bit. Three it is."

At last the day comes that Jimmy O'Shea orders only _two_ pints of Guinness when he sits down at his stool. Pat the publican looks at him with a long face full o' sympathy, and says, "I'm so sorry, Jimmy. On o' yer brithers has passed on, then?"

"Oh, heavens no," replies Jimmy O'Shea. "Me brothers are as fit as you could ask. It's just that I've quit drinkin'."

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: fulurum
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 12:55 PM

a fellow is talking to his irish buddy ad says, " i gotta stop drinking that irish whisky" "how come?" asked his friend. "Because every saturday night i go out and drink a fifth of the stuff, come home, make mad passionate love to the wife, wake up sunday morning and go to church." "whats wrong with that?" the irishman asks. "a lot of good irishman go out on saturday night, drink a fifth of good irish whisky, come home do the wife, and go to mass on sunday" " i know" said his friend, "but i'm jewish.

three irishmen, drunk as can be come staggering down the street singing danny boy at the top of their lungs. they stopped in front of flahertys house still singing. after a few minutes the window flies open and mrs. flaherty yells out, why don't you drunken sots go somewhere else. are you mrs. flaherty? asks one of the drunks. you know dam well i'm am she says. well can you tell us which one of us is your husband so the other two of us can go home.

mahoneys wife has to go out of town for the day on a business trip. the last thing she says to her husband is to not go out to the bar in her absence. as soon as the wife is gone he heads down to clancys pub. after spending most of the day there he decides he'd better get back on home. he gts up from the bar takes a few steps and falls flat on his face. gets up, takes a few more steps and again, falls flat on his face. all the way home for three blocks its up down up down until he finally makes it home just after he gets in the house his wife shows up.she walks in the door just as the phone was ringing. she answers it and hangs up after a short conversations. she looks at mahony and says, so you went to clancys pub after all did ya. well yes dear said mahoney, but how did you know? thats was the barman on the phone calling to say you left your wheel chair there.

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 01:45 PM

Hi, Skarpi, there are some great jokes here! You might also want to look at this thread from last year. it has some good sayings and jokes, as well as links in it. Hope you are doing better after reading these contributions...I am!

All the best,

kat

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: GUEST,SDSHAD
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 02:31 PM

I neglected to mention the reason _why_ Jimmy O'Shea quit drinkin'--the moment when he realized he was "powerless over alcohol," as they say in 12-step programs.

It was like this. One Saturday afternoon, after watching a football match at the self-same pub, Jimmy O'Shea staggered out onto the street as drunk as drunk could be. Observing his meandering, zig-zag shambling down the sidewalk towards them were two nuns in full habit, walking in the opposite direction. Knowing what a hazardous, whiskey-riddled part of town they were walking through, the two Sisters were walking close to each other for safety, elbow to elbow.

As Jimmy staggered further down the street, he squinted hazily at his new obstacle, wondering how he'd get around it. The nuns were wondering much the same thing: zig-zagging as he was, Jimmy was sure to walk smack into at least one of them. At the last second, as Jimmy appeared certain to stumble into both nuns, they parted quickly, one to the left and one to the right, and walked around him.

Jimmy, befuddled, looked quickly to one side and then the other, and turned around to gaze boozily at the nuns' rapidly-departing backsides, and muttered, "how did she do that?"

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: Fortunato
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 02:38 PM

So the Peggy O'Sullivan goes to the OBGYN and says to him,

"Doctor I want some of those contradictory pills."

"Madame, you're ignorant," he says to her.

"Yes, six months," she says.

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: jeffp
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 03:30 PM

Have you heard about the Irish boomerang?

It doesn't come back, it just sings songs about how much it wants to.

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: Cara
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 03:36 PM

An Irishman, a Scotsman, and an Englishman walk into a pub. The Scotsman shouts out, "Drinks for everyone, on me!" The next day, the headline in the paper said: Irish Ventriloquist Found Beaten to Death Behind Pub

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: Clinton Hammond2
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 03:44 PM

Paddy lands in New York and the first thing he does is tuck himself into a pub and procedes to get himself loaded... finally, late that night he stumbles out into the dark streets... A rubber man, he's weaving his way down the sidewalk when he bumps into a nun... His bleary eyes give her one up and down... Suddenly, with a snear and a holler, he hauls off and belts her a good one in the gob... she's hardly hit the ground than he's on her and wailing away, abusing her like she was a Cuban welterweight... The nun finally sinks into unconsiouness and Paddy hauls himself to his feet, panting like an animal... As he staggers away he spits over his shoulder...

"I don't care what the newspapers say, yer not so tough Batman!"

{~`

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: fulurum
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 04:09 PM

robbie oconnells joke;

there was this guy who was 1/2 irish, 1/2 scottish. he wanted a drink but he couldn't bring himself to buy one.

what irishman do you find in your backyard in the spring?

paddy o'furniture.

(hey they can't all be gems)

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 06:31 PM

An Irishman is walking in New York city at night. A lady of the evening approaches him and says, "Hey, how about some great sex for $50.00 ?"

"Well", says the Irishman, " I'm feelin' really tired, but I could use the money!"

Har har har har har har!!!

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Martin Ryan
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 08:15 PM

Many years ago, when Irish jokes were painfully popular, I was at a conference in the North of England. I was asked, rather anxiously, what Irish people did about Irish jokes? "Tell them about Kerrymen" sez I. "But what do the Kerry people do about them?", I was asked. "Put them in books and sell them to Englishmen", sez I!

Regards and Good Night!

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 15 Mar 00 - 08:43 PM

There was this young fella went for a jobn on a building site. And the gaffer says, "Well now Paddy - can you tell me what's difference between a girder and a joist?"

"Nothing easier" says the lad. "Your man Goethe wrote a book called Faust, and Joyce, he wrote one called Ulysses."

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 02:28 AM

Murphy, O'Brien & Cassey sitting in a bar dicussing the words they would like to hear spoken over their coffins at their wakes. Casey says, "I would like them to say 'He was a wonderful family man- he always supported his wife and kids, and they never wanted for anything'". O' Brien says, "That's lovely Casey. But I would like to hear them say, 'He was a great man in the community - he undertook a lot of projects to make his community a better place.'" Murphy says, "Thats's very nice, O'Brien. But I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 02:54 AM

Two horses were standing in the paddock prior to a race. The black stallion says to the filly "A good mornin' to you, Lily, and how are you feelin' today?" She glances at him and replies "A bit under the weather to tell you the truth,Danny. I don't feel a bit like runnin', and I pity the poor bastard who places a wager on myself. And you, Dan?" The stallion snorts and says "Top form, Lil. I could run 10 miles and twenty more. I'll be winnin' by 4 lengths!"

Just at that moment, a dog who has been watching from beyond the rail speaks up. " Pshaw! I wouldn't lay a penny on either of ye! Tis the grey gelding will win." The horses look at each other and the stallion says "I'll be goddamned. A talking dog!"

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Olaf
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 04:18 AM

A wife sends her husband to the market on a saturday morning to buy some fresh snails. He does as he was told, but on the way back he takes himself into a pub and orders some beer. After 4 hours he remembers the snails and his angry wife and hurries back home. As he arrives, he puts all the snails to the ground, all in a row, rings the bell and says as his wife opens the door:

"Well, folks, just another 2 yards and we're home!"

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: Susie
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 05:54 AM

After a heavy night's drinking, two Irishmen stagger home from their country pub, intending to take a short cut through the graveyard. Being much the worse for wear, they decide to take a rest against a stone, where Paddy reads the inscription. "Do y'know, Michael, this fella here lived till he was 103!!" "And did he come from hereabouts then?" asks Michael. "No," says Paddy, reading the stone, "he was Miles, from Dublin"

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: Fortunato
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 08:47 AM

Now it is only fair, Skarpi, since we have indulged in defaming the good Irish, that we hear some Icelandic jokes. Are there none told about you folks?

On balance, Fortunato

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: MMario
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 11:10 AM

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. "There was a terrible accident down at the brewery".
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda ... no."
"No?"
"Fact is,he got out three times to pee."

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: GUEST,Shanghaiceltic
Date: 05 Jul 05 - 01:28 AM

Why did the Irish get the potato and the Arabs the oil?

Irish had first choice.

The difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral?

One less drunk.

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: GUEST,sandra in sydney walking thru the backdoor
Date: 05 Jul 05 - 09:45 AM

decades ago my colleague came back from a holiday in Ireland with a book of Kerryman jokes. Naturally I can't recall a single one, but I assume all of the above were in that volume.

sandra

one of the ads below this thread says - "Learn Irish for Free. Free software download teaches you to speak Irish Gaelic in minutes". Obviously my boss is not using it as she has been having Gaelic lessons for years.

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: PoohBear
Date: 05 Jul 05 - 11:54 AM

An English man, an Irish man and a Scots man were sitting at the bar. Each had ordered a pint of Guinness. Into each pint dropped a fly. The English man pushed away the glass in disgust and wouldn't drink at all. The Scot picks the fly out, tosses it aside and proceeds to drink. The Irish man lifts the fly out by its wings, holds it over the glass and shakes it, saying "spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: Le Scaramouche
Date: 05 Jul 05 - 12:10 PM

A man walks into a pub in Belfast carrying a large package underarm.
Horrified, the bartender asks him what it is he brought in.
"Oh, that. Several kilos of plasticene."
"Phew. Thought it was another bloody bodhran."

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: Kaleea
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 03:14 AM

Growing up in Tulsa, a town full of evangelists, I heard many jokes about them. I sometimes babysat for some of the grandchildren of T. L. Osburn, (I believe the foundation & museum is still in Tulsa) who spent most of his life, along with his wife Daisy, as a missionary in Africa told this one, which Daisy said really happened to him:
   The Irish missioner was preaching to the African tribe. "And I say to you that you must love your fellowmen!"
"Moolagumbi!" shried the natives.
   "White man and black man must learn to co-operate."
   "Moolagumbi!" chanted the crowd.
The missioner was very pleased & he told the chief how pleased he was with the reception.
   "I am glad, O man of Ireland," said the chief, "but be careful as we pass my cattle that you do not step into the moolagumbi."

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 06 Jul 05 - 07:27 AM

This is an Irish Computer Virus.

The Irish are not quite so expert in computer programming as other people so this is a MANUAL VIRUS.

PLEASE E-MAIL THIS TO ALL YOUR FRIENDS, THEN DELETE ALL THE FILES ON YOUR HARD DRIVE.

Subject: RE: Skarpi needs Irish Jokes!!!!!
From:
Date: 06 Sep 05 - 08:01 PM

Sean O'Conner was out drivin' at fast clip when his friend the local
Constable stopped him and said, Well, didn't ya know Sean that your dear wife fell outta the car 'bout 5 miles back"?

Sean replied with relief, "Ah praise the good Lord, I thought I went
deaf"!