Song Challenge! Part 16

Subject: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 02:22 PM

OK Challenge!rs - If you don't like this one, don't blame me! This little jewel comes from the Infamous Amos -- Yes folks, the same man who penned the amazing Feminism One-Oh-One! Can't say he's unbalanced now (or can you??). Anyway, have fun with this one!

-- Áine

Dull Men of the World Unite -- LONDON (Reuters) - Now there's a Web site for the man who has everything except a life. Promising to free its readers from the pressures of trying to be "in and trendy," www.dullmen.com reviews dull books, tells dull jokes and lists dull events for every month of the year. "In March, we like to watch maple trees during sugaring time. Sap dripping just right to watch -- the right pace, the right suspense," suggests the site run by the U.S.-based National Council of Dull Men. Laid out in shades of grey, black and white, it also offers a test with questions like "Do you like to watch airport luggage carousels?" and "Do you like English food?" to help readers find their true selves.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Mbo
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 03:02 PM

Hee hee! I fit right in on this one! What about someone who sits there and keeps hitting the refresh button in hopes of a thread getting updated?

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: MMario
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 03:09 PM

Mbo - "dull" is not exactly a word I have ever remotely considered using in connection with you. Now I'm going to go out and watch a bone fossilize.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: wysiwyg
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 04:25 PM

Mbo-- write to me instead when you fall into that habit. I'll do the same. Deal?

PS, I've figured out what to do when you just HAVE to be at the 'Cat but there's no one to play with. See me in the personals for more!!!

Fine print:
This offer is by invitation only and is not time senstive but quantities are limited.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: MMario
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 04:45 PM

with apoligies to whoever wrote the music for "1776" (and to all who tap maples)

I'm waiting for the drip, drip, drip
of the sap that's flowing out
I'm waiting for the drip, drip, drip
On this snowy winter morning
In this chilly Vermont sugar-bush
God knows the temperature cold enough
to freeze my blood, let alone the sap

*spoken* God, isn't this exciting? What happens next?

I'm waiting for the plop, plop, plop
of the sap as down it drops
I'm waiting for the plop, plop, plop
On this snowy winter morning
It's only been three hours
gone by as if in minutes
here it comes! another drop!

*spoken* That makes almost a teaspoon! Isn't this fascinating?

I'm waiting for the drip, drip, drip
of the sap that's flowing out
I'm waiting for the drip, drip, drip
On this snowy winter morning
In this chilly Vermont sugar-bush
God knows the temperature cold enough
to freeze my blood, let alone the sap

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 04:49 PM

Well done, MMario!! Speaking of sap, where the heck is Willie-O?? This challenge is right up his tree! Think I'll see if I can't shake his branches and get him to come over and join us (hee hee).

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 05:15 PM

Dang, MM, that's crackerjack! I'm cracking up here! You guys gotta slow down -- all this stimulating lyric is making my head spin!!!

Anti-dullard themes would also be appropriate, if the Goddess allows :>)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 05:28 PM

And a melodious voice spake from the clouds of the 'Cat: "So may it be -- Let there be anti-dullard themes!"

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Mbo
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 06:42 PM

I am just a dull boy
All I do is work all day
And that's what makes me so boring
I ain't got no time to play
I gots the dull boy blues
And Lord it's takin' a toll on me
I got no life, I got no girl, I'm as lonely as can be

Oh the things I do all day
I could give you now a quorum
Just a big ol' list of things
That would inspire naught but boredom
I gots those dull boy blues
And Lord it makes me wanna cry
And sometimes I get so feelin' down
Lord I wish that I could die

Pouring out resin
Watching acid etch
They pile my arms with homework
And then they say "Here, catch!"
I gots them dull boy blues
Oh Lord I've had them so long
And I want so bad to break free
But my folks they say I'm wrong

Runnin' up and down
Those steps all day
Cuttin' wood and inking plates
Someone please find a way
To end these dull boy blues
Put my rump in a sling
Cause there ain't no end for me in sight
Lord I ain't got anything

My last girl I scared her
And all the others run
I got a bad reputation now
I'm a good-fer-nuthin' bum
I gots those dull boy blues
I'm holdin' my heart in my hand
And when I quote Tolkien or Shakespeare
Lord there's noone who understands

So don't try to talk to me
Cause I'm such a bore
Unless you want to hear the facts
Of the Peloponesian War
I got those dull boy blues
I only know dull boy things well
Buy if'n you like that kinda thing...
Baby, come save me from this hell!

Ohhh yeah...you ain't nothing, you ain't nothing now...! Uh!


Sorry, not funny. But the truth.

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Barky
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 07:08 PM

Mbo: Excellent!! (but not at all close to the truth!!!!!!)

~Barky

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 07:53 PM

Mbo, didn't know you were an intaglio printmaker. Printmaking was one of my main enthusiasms as an art student, back in the late pleistocene.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Willie-O
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 08:21 PM

OK I'll bite. Aine I presume your question as to my whereabouts was rhetorical--I am taking a break from watching steam rise--wish it were that simple.

MMario, very funny, but

1. there's precious little waiting around for sap in a year when it starts about three weeks early...
2. when it's cold out, the trees freeze too--and don't run. (Then we all sit at home and make up silly songs until it warms up.)

   Here's an image that might help: Ny neighbour Cindy McCall, who I learned syrup-making from, is up the hill from me a few hundred yards, running an interesting contraption of a boiler in a very old, traditional and run-down sugarhouse. (There are inscriptions on the walls commemorating first-boil dates and the like going back to 1911. Like me, she plays fiddle, and when there's time between firings (10-15 minutes) likes to play a tune.

   My boiler is smaller and a lot funkier--its a cut-down 55-gallon drum with a 24x30" tin pan on it that looks like it might be 30 or 40 years old. And I don't have a sugarhouse, I'm set up outside. If Cindy's rig and mine were a little closer together, we could hear each other fiddling and do a call-and-response thing!

   As for being dull, I guess it's a matter of perspective. Maybe I'm not the sharpest saw in the shop, but I ain't board!

   You printmaker guys know anything about the late Saul Field? (His daughter is a friend of mine and is continuing the family printmaking tradition using the technique he invented.)

   I guess I'll have to scribble another ditty on a piece of cardboard. Can't get my head around it right on the 'puter. Where's my crayons?

   Does it have to be about dullness per se, or will yet another sappy song establish my credentials for one-dimensionalism?

   Willie-O

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 08:31 PM

Dearest Willie-O,

In crayon, pencil, charcoal -- written with your toes or your nose -- sappy or fourth dimensional -- LAY IT ON US, BABY!!

we want willie-o, We Want Willie-O, WE WANT WILLIE-O, WE WANT WILLIE-O

Need I say more?

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 08:33 PM

I dunno, Willie -- a Challenge is a Challenge, fair 'n' square, but the GG has been know to spring off in odd directions purely on whimsy at times, so ye better propose to her whatever one dimensional activity you have in mind...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 08:34 PM

Oops, forgot to mention the typically wunnerful blues effort there by Mbo -- Well done, a mhic! I can hear it from here!

-- Áine

(Ya know guys and gals, I think Mbo there has a real affection for blue fumes . . . maybe he should pay Willie-O a visit . . .)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: MMario
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 08:55 PM

willie-o, I know...but.....

oh heck! Can I plead artistic license? Can I pead stupidity? Unfortunately I can't plead ignorance....

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Willie-O
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 09:12 PM

ARTISTIC LICENCE

This hereby certifies that Mmario is a qualified licenced Artist and is fully certified to equivocate, exaggerate, withhold or expand on the boring details as he should see fit, describe events that never happened as if he were there, ignore or adjust so-called laws of physics to make a better story, and generally take all necessary measures to come up with something that will register on the Aine-meter as a work of art...

Signed
Willie-O

see, I lied--ahem, I mean, used my licence about playing fiddle between firings. I have time to slip into the basement, hit "refresh" (uh-huh Meebo) and post something. It's too cold out there to play now.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: MMario
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 09:25 PM

hey! I'm LICENSED! I may just print that out and post it in my cubbie!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Mbo
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 09:28 PM

Thanks, and it IS true! I like the blues. I'm thinkin' on recording this one for Mudcat Radio!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Willie-O
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 10:17 PM

Somebody should pay me a visit--actually half the reason I started booking concerts was that my musician "friends" will only visit if I pay them to! Talk about dullsville.....

zzzzzzzzzz
Willie-O

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 16 Mar 00 - 11:03 PM

The Candy Asses' Ball

(Tune: The Wabash Cannonball)

Oh.......

Listen to the rumble and the whistle of hot air
As you stare into the dryer, and count your underwear
And when you've done it several times, count the panels on the wall
Then straighten up the throwrugs, at the Candy Asses' Ball
 

Ch:
They're duller than a toilet bowl, they haven't got a hope
They're flatter than a two by four, they're thick as Granma'ssoap
They like to watch the grass grow, it makes their skin to crawl
At the dullards own convention,
The Candy Asses' Ball!

They gather at the airport, as fired up as hell
And off they go to Baggage Claim, to watch that carousel
They've got a little bet on, and man,  the action's hot
As to how the baggage goes around,  is it clockwise? Is it not?
 

Ch:

Then it's off to form a line outside, just past  the airport gate
And they'll spend several hours making sure their line is straight
They have a little game they play, while straightening it out
Comparing numbers seen, of cabs: with checkers, and without.
 

Ch:

These are the men in houndstooth, they haven't got a life
Each one has 2.7 kids, and less than half a wife
Their precious lawns are neat and trim, no crabgrass do they keep,
And they work to keep their toes up straight, when they lie down to sleep!
 

Ch:

They're really great at parties, discussing cubes of ice
They know the best deals all around, they've double checked it twice!
They know how many cowhides the NFL will need
And just for fun, take sesame buns, and tally up the seeds!
 

Ch:

They learned it in their chioildhood, when Dad would raise a scene
Calling all the kids to come and see that  test grid on the screen
They love to watch old boards dry out, it makes their eyes shine bright,
Alphabetizing M and Ms, and lining them up right!
 

Ch:

Oh ladies if you're single, take warning  here from me
And never let a man like that invite you for some tea.
For into morbid coma, and far from life you'll fall
If you marry up with a dullard from the Candy Asses' Ball!
 
 

Ch:
They're duller than a toilet bowl, they haven't got a hope
They're flatter than a two by four, they're thick as Granma'ssoap
They like to watch the grass grow, it makes their skin to crawl
At the dullards own convention,
The Candy Asses' Ball!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Willie-O
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 12:05 AM

Gawd, I love Texans--they're so DEMONSTRATIVE!

You asked for it Aine. I have finally entered a Song Challenge. I plead excessive inhalation of sap fumes, among other substances.

Looking For Dullsville

If you're looking for dullsville baby
You've come to the right place
If you're looking for dullsville baby
You're in the right place
Cause if you had anything better to do
You wouldn't be doing what all of us do
You wouldn't be hitting "refresh" and
watching this space!

You could be washing the dishes baby
You could be vacuuming the cat.
You could be taking out compost baby
Or something disgusting like that.
Instead you're checking your e-mail again
Hoping for something from your best friend
But you get forwards from folks you don't know
On subjects that mean squat.

Bridge (You read them twice)
(You archive them nice)
(In case you want to read them again)
(When you've forgotten why you didn't care the first time)

I oughtta be folding laundry now
I think the water here is hard
I oughtta be folding laundry now
And sorting out old clothes to discard
Instead I'm meandering through Mudcat again
Lookin for something clever someone else said

(I didn't get it)

Cause this is Dullsville...
Where you ain't the sharpest knife in the drawer
No this is Dullsville,
No sandwiches, no picnic, no oars in the water
Yeah this is Dullsville
The last line don't even rhyme.
(train wreck ending)

Anti-copywrit by
Willie-O

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 12:09 AM

Classic, WillieO....you gotta tape this one for the Cat. I want to hear it with a E-G-A slide behind it. Mighty fine stuff! You got any more sap?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Willie-O
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 12:44 AM

it would need a tune, sort of...if you got any ideas, you run with it!

Yours was better though. In the sad state of affairs that passes for lumber these days, yer lucky to find a flat 2 x 4. You could spend half your life looking.

If you're a certain kind of person.

Like me,
Willie-O

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Mbo
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 12:48 AM

Good one Willie! I know exactly how you feel, man!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Hyperabid
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 06:44 AM

Mmm this one took me a while to find some inspiration. Partly I guess because I've been busy reanting away in another thread about internet sterotyping. Anyway here's a first crack at the subject... I hasten to add that the stereotype in this little ditty is a man who uses the site described - not one of the general internet community...

Bore from Bangalore

To the Tune of Girl from Ipanema

V

Lean old geek so tall and spotty
He wanders down to the internet café
And as he passes each one he passes
Says "Uggh!"

V

Conversation is not his strong point
Doesn't drink - he'd never smoke a joint
Those who get close discover his smell
Can be sour

C

Oh how can he be so boring
All in his company snoring

V

So he surfs the site for boring men
Counting bags on the carousel with his friends
So immersed that his life just passes him by
Why can't I?

(Jazzy Beebop 5-piece play out impossibly complex improvisations that impress nobody but each other).

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 09:00 AM

Way ta go, Hyper...I know that guy. I'm sure I know him...looks a lot like me...!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Hyperabid
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 09:16 AM

Aha but you ain't boring m8 ;-)

Hyp

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 10:27 AM

Oh lordy, lordy, lordy . . . Amos, Willie-O, and Hyp -- I'm dying laughing here!! I was going to submit a little something -- but, geez, how it would pale in comparision to y'all! Ya know, it takes A LOT OF TALENT to write about DULL MEN . . . or does it just take A LOT OF DULL MEN???? Go my darling Challenge!rs!!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 10:47 AM

Well, TGG, yer logic board has worked loose, I'm sure. That would make us all Playboy Bunnies disguised as wired bees who keep ferrets and kill chickens in strange little villages...and marry without meeting, and about 12 other states and conditions from past Challenges. Doesn't add up, y'ask me!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: MMario
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 11:05 AM

Boring, boring is the man,
And he might never stumble or fall.
Boring, Boring, walk the path,
And he might never fall in love at all.

CHORUS:
Boring, Boring, Life is dull,
Like an evening spent watching growing corn.
Boring, boring is his love,
So dull, and safe and warm.

Slowly, slowly beats the heart
That ne'er excitement can call its own.
Lonely, lonely, lies the part
That has to live all alone.

Dully, dully, beats the heart
With no rush of excitement ever seen.
Deadly, deadly, dull is life
If he can be said to have been

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 11:07 AM

Lord, MM, you said it on the nail. God spare us all from safe solutions!

A

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Hyperabid
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 11:20 AM

That was quite something MM

Hyp

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 11:49 AM

Wow, MMario -- that was as exciting as a belly full of dumplings eaten raw! What a great example of "Artistic Licence" -- seeing's how no one who can sing songs like the ones I've heard you sing could ever have a life so sad and boring!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: MMario
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 11:57 AM

I also have a very active imagination. *weg*

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Willie-O
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 12:03 PM

I'd like to post something but I have to drag my boring ass off to town to pick up the PA for the pub tonight...at which I will twiddle the knobs, play tunes, and not drink beer....I just pulled the lyrics to "Wild Rover" off the DT...can you imagine a more boring use for the database...

dull is me
almost wish I was driving cab tonight--it's a pretty interesting night for that!

mundanely
Willie-O
in dullsville

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 12:03 PM

MM,

What's a *weg*? White-out eating grin? Whale-eating grin? Wide earnest grin? Ummm....wicked enema giver? Oh...wide evil grin?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 12:27 PM

I feel so privileged! All these songwriters, writing songs about ME!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: MMario
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 01:20 PM

woeful enervated grimace

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 01:22 PM

This challenge reminds me of Yossarian's avoidance of chess matches with the colonel in the hospital--they were highly competitive and too exciting and made time pass too quickly, so Yossarian started avoiding them: who wants time to fly by when it may be over with the next flight over enemy territory?

Anyway, I came up with this little thing last night after midnight: I suppose if I gave it some clear-eyed thought I could find a few more ways to stop time, thus a few more verses, but I'll have to settle for this--I have to go to work an hour ago.

It's a blues, a la "Get Thee Behind Me, Satan" or "Folsum Prison Blues," or perhaps "Long Line Skinner"; for lack of a better title, it's "I need me some peace."

The telephone's ringin' and there's someone at the door,
The teapot's whistlin', Baby's cryin' out for more,
The timer just went off and I'm sure I don't know why...
Yes, I need some peace: I'm gonna sit and watch paint dry.

There's a war in the east, there are floods in the south,
My son stole my car, my daughter's got a filty mouth,
Every one around me is actin' like they's juiced...
Man, I need some peace: I'm gonna sit and read me some Proust.

--seed

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 01:23 PM

I shoud have known that! So obvious, once you think of it....I like wicked evil grin better. More appropriate for a WEG (Whale-Eating Guy) like yerself :>). *BOSEG*. (Which stands for Big Old Sh_t-Eating Grin, altho' I never have figured out why that would make anyone grin.)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 01:30 PM

BSeed,

That's OK, we'll give you time enough to finish that fine song -- what else have we got to do except watch the grass grow???

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: MMario
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 01:31 PM

Áine - you said "we" -- does this mean women can be dull too?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 01:40 PM

Cracking up here, BSeed! That last line is a killer... "Just the thing to ease my pain, Marcel Proust and his madeleine!". You could do a dozen verses on this notion of very unrandom literature -- translating the Aeneiad, cross referencing Ulysses, lesseee -- oh and decoding Wittgenstein! Put anyone to sleep, the silly old Hun...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 03:50 PM

Alright, ya buggas -- Here's my little ditty for this round:

The Dull And Boring Man
(Tune: The Rambling Irishman)

I am a dull and boring man,
I sit and watch the grass grow,
I pick my nose and then my toes,
And contemplate my navel 'O'.

But to live fast I could not endure,
Like the men in the other cubicles,
To a dull grey land I sailed away,
To count the rings on my cuticles.

Chorus:
Right dull, dull and grey, dull, dull and grey,
Right dull, dull and grey down to my toes-o

So here I live in tones of beige,
An off-white house and a tan car,
I have no green plants, only brown,
My coffee is grey like road tar.

I have a dog, it's stiff and cold,
No, it's not dead, just resting,
I have a bird that won't fly away,
It's too bored to be bothered nesting.

Right dull, dull and grey, dull, dull and grey,
Right dull, dull and grey down to my toes-o

I had a girl once, don't you know,
She was known as Snoring Sally,
But when I got up to hit the mark,
Not even her could I rally.

She cracked one eye open with surprise,
Then yawned about my purpose,
"Go back to sleep," she said to me,
"You're too dull to perform the service."

Right dull, dull and grey, dull, dull and grey,
Right dull, dull and grey down to my toes-o

So, here I sit eating English peas,
I place them on my knife-o,
It's such great fun to see them fall,
I count them as they roll-o.

But to greater things I do aspire,
When the springtime rolls around again,
Gazing at the maple trees in my yard,
What a lark when the sap starts drippin'!

Right dull, dull and grey, dull, dull and grey,
Right dull, dull and grey down to my toes-o

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 05:16 PM

Aww, Áine, it's just beautiful. So this qualifies you to join the Dullard's Convention and go to the Candy Asses' Ball tonight.

Just show 'em your hobby list from the song and they'll let you right in! :>) I guess I'll see you all there -- the chair-leg counting starts at 7 sharp -- be there or don't be square!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Bradypus
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 06:48 PM

Lots of excellent entries. Mmario, I was singing along.

I suppose dull should appeal to Bradypus, so here we have:The ballad of Graham Gray

Graham Gray awoke one morn
And rose up out of bed
Grey thoughts already passing through
His grey and hoary head
He looked out of the window
And pleased he was: On high
A grey sun shining through grey clouds
And grey birds in the sky.

He dressed himself in suit of grey
Grey shirt, grey underwear
And with a dull grey comb he combed
His dull grey unkempt hair
The bread for breakfast it was grey
Grey coffee and grey ham
And on the toast what was to spread
But grey grey-pfruit jam

Then off to work our Graham did drive
His car was dull and grey
He parked outside grey office block
Up grey stairs made his way
He sat down at his old grey desk
Switched grey computer on
Opened grey mail, made calls upon
An old grey telephone

His grey work done he found a place
Where grey folk go for fun
To spot grey trains. He spotted two
And then his fun was done
Home again for food all grey
The TV black and white
In grey pyjamas Grahan retired
To grey bed for the night

Such is the life of Graham Gray
Grey literature, grey art
Grey family to wish him well
Grey love in his grey heart
Does music enter Graham's grey soul
To lighten up his days?
The blues are much to bold for him
He much prefers the greys.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 07:00 PM

When I really need excitement, when I cant wait for things to happen, I buy some fresh bananas and watch them turn brown: there's a couple of weeks of solid entertainment.

Over my head in my cubicle at school there are accoustic tiles, about twenty inches square, with odd cuneiform holes punched in them an a totally random pattern. Interspersed among the cuneiform holes are tiny pinpricks. I've been wondering if I could stand the excitement of counting the larger holes, then the smaller ones, in one of the tiles over my head. I'm not sure how to make the count accurate without getting up and marking each hole as I count it; as I said before, the pattern seems quite random. As an offhand guess, I'd suppose each tile has maybe a thousand of the larger holes and a like number, perhaps fifty percent more, of the smaller holes, so actually counting them and marking them should take an hour, at least, per tile. There are 32 tiles on the ceiling (there would be 38 but the places of two of them are occupied by flourescent fixtures), so even if I had equal access to each of the tiles, to count and mark the holes, it would take me about 32 hours (I can't count one and multiply by 32, because, as I said, the patterns appear random, so there's no guarantee that the count from tile to tile will be even close, let alone identical). And, of course, knowing how mistakes can be made, the first time I counted them I could use a yellow marker to identify those I'd already counted; the second time, to make sure, I'd use a light blue marker--and, since it's likely that my counts would not agree, I'd have to count them a third time, this time marking them with pink. This would still leave a mark light enough that you, if you were concerned about the accuracy of my count, could mark them with black as you counted them.

The wall I just watched as the paint dried faces south and gets sun for many hours per day. One of these slow decades I can sit and watch it as the paint cracks from the constant sunlight, and as the cracks widen and the paint begins to flake off.

As you can see, I will never lack for entertainment.

--seed

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 07:03 PM

Dang it, Bradypus!! Will you quit being so damned unique all the time!!! Now I have to go and conjure up a new award -- for the best Challenge! song that uses one word more than 35 f***ing times!! Ya know, you should have called it "The Grey Opus", or maybe, "Ode To Grey" . . . well, anyway, here's a kiss on the cheek, a special big hug and a pat on the back for the man who had the cajones to come up with grey-pfruit jam!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 07:13 PM

Dear BSeed,

I hate to break it to you, but they're really not random patterns in the ceiling tiles.

In the dark, dim past, when I was single, I had the great misfortune to go on a date (blind date, of course) with a fellow whose family manufactured said enticing tiles. Trying to keep the conversation going, because he was a VERY DULL MAN, I commented on how I'd always wondered how many holes were in these fascinating tiles (God forgive me, but Momma raised me to be polite!).

Well, this question sure perked Mr. Interminably Effing Boring right up! To be honest, I blocked out most of what he said (for the next hour and a half until I could escape in a taxi pleading a headache -- what a sucker!), but, I do remember that he stated that there were actual patterns that were used to stamp holes in the tiles, and that when orders were shipped, it was very important for the manufacturer to remember to ship varied patterns, so that when the tiles are installed, the holes would appear randomly, and no one would be able to see the patterns.

Is that not the DULLEST story that you've ever heard?

GOOD -- BECAUSE I MADE THE WHOLE BLOODY THING UP!!!! *BG*

Love ya 'Seed, Áine (who would never want to crush anyone's belief in serendipity!)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Bradypus
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 07:15 PM

Thanks Aine - once I got the title, the rest just sort of happened. Who needs to be original when you can be repetitive? Who needs to be original when you can be repetitive? Who needs ...

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 07:23 PM

LOL! I just think this whole thing is pure genius. You guys have such good ideas about ways to make life interesting. I am very impressed. I especially like the story about your date, Áine. I think it was very interesting. This person was quite a guy, and it is really too bad you let him get away, but I am glad you are happy. Charles, you have an interesting mind, I must say. In fact , you are all so interesting...snnrzzzzuuerrxzzzzgrrzzz

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Mbo
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 08:31 PM

(To the tune of Mrs. Robinson)

CHORUS:
Hey check me out, I'm the boring dude
Words can't begin to say how dull I am, yam yam yam
Here's that again--I'm the boring guy
You'll never be more bored when you're with me, hee hee hee

Lying on the sofa bed and counting ceiling tiles
Color coding all my socks
Vacuuming the window sills and counting all the flies
Making friends with the dust bunnies 'neath my bed

CHORUS

Sitting in the grass and watching fire ants build a mound
Stacking pine cones on the lawn
Logging in the leaves that fall, and dusting off the 'shrooms
And making sure I count each thunderclap I hear

Boom Boom Ka-Boom -- CHORUS

Examining the wood grain on the wooden spoons I have
Making a steel wool database
Sitting by the fridge and watching mold grow on the food
This kind of fun puts me in a happy mood

Where have you gone, Mister Whipple? Oh
My bathroom hasn't been been the same for years, hear hear hear
Oh don't know you know that I do
The Charmin test on ev'ry roll I come upon, fun fun fun, fun fun fun!


--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 08:46 PM

LOL! Fun fun fun, Embo. Flies are easy -- count the feet and divide by the squareroot of 16...that is SO innerestin...how that works, I mean, just SO innerestin...dont you think?

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: MMario
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 08:51 PM

Amos - you goof, it's the square root of 36. MUCH more fun.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Mbo
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 09:02 PM

Guys, I have no idea what you're talking about, but I have a housefly (musca domesticus) a fruitfly (drosophila melanogaster) a horsefly, a deerfly, and a museum-quality bluebottle! All on my window sill! Oops! I hope I didn't accidentallu suck up a few when I got distracted reading the ingredients of the Windex...

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 09:24 PM

One thing that just occured to me: when did Proust have more fun, when he was living les temps perdu, or when he was remembering them? Just one of those questions I guess will never be answered.

--seed(thinking fondly of the patron saint of boring guys, and admiring all of his devoted disciples)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Mbo
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 09:33 PM

Proust? Are you kidding? Andy Wharhol is the KING OF BORING!

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 11:08 PM

Now, Mbo, you're talking Modern Boring. Charles was referring to Victorian Boring. It's quite different you know. For example there are over 231 works of written literature in English literature which qualify as truly great Victorian Boring, and their average page count is 321, using quarto and pica type in a non-serif font. However, their average _word_ count is 1,124,655. But in _Modern_ Boring there are so many fewer truly qualified works -- I would say between 122 and 123, depending on your definition. And yet they average only 245 pages and 900,123 words! Isn't that interesting? I mean, its...like..._weird, y'know?

(Help ... I'm beginning to believe my own writing....)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Mbo
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 11:20 PM

WOW! That's so exciting, Amos! But I think I can top it! I counted every period used in the 15 Volume Oxford English Dictionary! I am the dull MAN or am I THE dull MAN?

--Mbo

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 17 Mar 00 - 11:51 PM

You de Dull Man, Mbo! You de Dull Man -- BTW, great song! Well, I've had enough of St. Paddy's Day that I can take and I'm off to the haven of all dulloids, bed. Thanks for a great day and lots of laughs, everyone. See you in the morning with another Challenge! for ya.

Slán go fóill, Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 18 Mar 00 - 12:14 PM

One more coming later...go ahead an' do what ya need to do.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 18 Mar 00 - 03:19 PM

The Dullard's Complaint

(Tune: The Frozen Logger)

As I came home one evening
Preparied  to count my socks
I found a little letter in
My little letter box

The letter was from Annie O.,
A  single girl around
She had agreed to meet me
And go out on the town

My mind leapt with excitement!
At last, at last, a start!
I fancied the exciting things
To do to win her heart

I thought she'd fancy walking out
To see the trolleys run
Or maybe counting parking spots
In shopping malls for fun

I thought if she got tired,
Perhaps we'd stop a while
Inside the great Sears Tower
And watch them sort and file!

My mind was full of wondrous things
To her I could impart
So she could see I was the kind
To win her gentle heart

I knew pi to twenty places
And the average weight of birds
And the frequency of letters used
In common English words

I knew the Dewey system
To at least the fourth degree
And the values of inflation
Since 1943

But when I told her of my plans
I feared I'd blown my chance
She said she wanted dinner,
And perhaps a place to dance!

But then she started talking
And it made me start to smile
This heaven sent companion
Was intrigued by ceiling tile!

I knew I had a chance to shine
She was the girl for me!
She wondered how many holes they had
And how they came to be!

I rose to the situation
And explained the story clear
The holes you think are random
Are planned that way, my dear

They have a set of patterns
They are numbered one through ten
And they carefully combine them
Then they start at one again

She gazed with fascination
And love was in her gaze
As I proudly explicated
The tileman's crafty ways

I thought it was a sure thing
We were bound our vows to make
But after we'd had dinner
Her sweet head began to ache

She begged me for forgiveness
And complained about the pain
And so instead of dancing
I drove her home again

Although it saved some driving
About 3 point 18 miles
I never got to finish
Explaining ceiling tiles

By the time we got to her front door
The pain did make her moan
So hastily did she run inside
She forgot to leave her phone!

And so I haunt the dance halls
And walk these streets, for miles
Looking for a girl who wants
To hear of ceiling tiles!

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 18 Mar 00 - 03:30 PM

Way to go, Amos!!!! And we have our second-ever Two-Fer-One Winner!! Now, if that ain't a folk song, I don't know what is -- So, the next time we get a 'what is folk music?' thread started, everyone knows where we can point people for a reference, don't we? Well done, Daddy A.!!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 18 Mar 00 - 03:55 PM

********* THE DULL AND BORING CHALLENGE! WINNERS *********

If y'all can stay awake long enough to read the list, here 'tis. Congratulations and thanks to everyone for being so blasted dull; and again, Well Done Everyone!! As always, late submissions will taken any time at all. And if I've overlooked anyone for the 'Whole Bag O' Chips' award, please let me know. OK, read 'em and snore:

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award:
The Dull And Boring Man by Áine

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Shamrock Cluster:
Boring, Boring Is The Man by MMario
Drip, Drip, Drip by MMario
I'm The Boring Dude by Mbo
The Ballad Of Graham Gray by Bradypus

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Harp Ribbon:
Bore From Bangalore by Hyperabid
Looking For Dullsville by Willie-O
The Candy Asses' Ball by Amos

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip Award with Cleigh's Blue Fume Shield:
I Am Just A Dull Boy by Mbo
Proust's Blues by BSeed(CharlesKratz) {A Work In Progress}

Winners of the Golden Cow Chip with Two-Fer-One Coupon:
The Dullard's Complaint by Amos

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 18 Mar 00 - 05:56 PM

If You Like Cheese and Baloney
(to the tune of If You like Pina Coladas)

I was tired of my Lady
'Cause she was wearing me down
Golf and tennis on the weekend
Every night on the town

Ethiopian Restaurants,
Tuesday nights the Ballet
Banjo lessons on Wednesday
Thursday sculpting in clay

So I called the Newspaper
Put in a personal ad
Ran it Monday through Sunday
This is the way that it read :

ChorusIf you like Cheese and Baloney
And drive a Dodge Caravan
Dig Manilow and Montovani
Your favorite channel's C-Span
If you spend hours picking carpet out
And watch Green Acres Marathons
We really must get together
So we can make each other yawn.

I got a letter next morning
From a lady named Jane
She said I sounded like a winner
She said her boyfriend's a pain.
I said I'll meet you at Denny's
We'll share vanilla ice cream
Then rent a Jerry Lewis Movie
She said "I think he's a scream!"

When I walked into Denny's
I was shocked by the truth-
There sat my own lovely Lady
Doing crosswords in the booth!

(she said)ChorusIf you like Cheese and Baloney
And cutting Z's on the couch
You like watching Hogan's Heroes
And walking 'round in a slouch
If you are into Reej and Kathie Lee
And digging weeds from the lawn
I'll go home with you right now
And we can make each other yawn.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 18 Mar 00 - 06:01 PM

What can I say, LEJ? A master stroke, with a twist ending, no less! Wunnerful, wunnerful!! Let's see -- I do believe I shall award you the Golden Cow Chip with Extra Shamrock Cluster for that lovely effort. Congratulations!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 18 Mar 00 - 07:00 PM

"Life get's teejus, don't it?" Can't really top that.But anyway:

Watching paint dry, that's for me.
Watching paint dry, naturally.
There's no hurry, no there ain't
I won't worry, if the paint
takes it's time, I'll be fine,
please don't mind, right now I'm
just watching paint dry... naturally.

Watching grass grow, that's for me.
Watching grass grow, naturally.
There's no hurry, let it pass,
I won't worry, if the grass
takes it's time, I'll be fine,
please don't mind, right now I'm
just watching grass grow... naturally.

Watching clouds, that's for me.
Watching clouds, naturally.
There's no hurry, see them drift,
I won't worry, that's my gift -
I'll be fine, passing time,
please don't mind, right now I'm
just watching grass grow... naturally.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 18 Mar 00 - 07:07 PM

McGrath, you have elevated dullness to the level of calm and tranquillity sought by many Eastern Religions. Om mane padme yawwwnnnnnnnn

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Amos
Date: 18 Mar 00 - 07:07 PM

Man you last-minute shooters are a terror! Two beautiful works, gentlemen.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Áine
Date: 18 Mar 00 - 07:45 PM

See, it's always better late than never! Thanks, Kevin, for another wonderful last minute Shamrock Cluster Winner!

-- Áine

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 18 Mar 00 - 07:52 PM

Thanks -

that lastline should probably be
"just watching clouds ...naturally£

But maybe the grass comimg back works better? Serendipity.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 18 Mar 00 - 09:46 PM

zzzzzzzzzmphfizzzzznorkpsweeeeiwszzzzWHA?

SONG CHALLENGE SEVENTEEN, you say? I"m outa here (great work, everyoneffnumfffszzzork...)

--zzzzzeeed

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 01:57 PM

Boring Man John Lennon/Paul McCartney

He's a really boring shite,
Publishing his boring site
Making all the World Wide Web so dull to see

Doesn't have a fancy gif,
He is such a boring stiff,
He doesn't have the wit like you and me

Boring man you're so boring
It is you, we're ignoring
You boring creep, the world is starting to sleep

He's as bland as he can be,
Watches weather On TV
Boring man won't show no glee at all

Doesn't have a thing to do,
Collects stamps he has a few,
Likes to count the pollen on his bees

Boring man are you crazy
Or are you, Just lazy
Driving a Mercury Marquis because it is bland

He's a real boring man,
Sitting in his big fat can,
Making all his boring fans read his dull site
Making all his boring fans read his dull shite

Even love he cannot make
His girlfriend cannot stay awake
Who knows what she has to fake, with him

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: MMario
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 02:41 PM

a good mediocre job there Jack. (I'd say great, but given the topic that might be a bit too much excitement.)(wseg)

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Jack the Sailor
Date: 22 Aug 01 - 03:13 PM

Very perceptive of you MMario, I was going for "boring" in keeping with the topic. That's why I used the word boring eight times. The last three Lines, I tacked on at the end to wake y'all up.

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: SharonA
Date: 24 Aug 01 - 08:52 AM

MMario: wseg? Jack: Wow! You took a song about a boring guy and turned it into a song about an even MORE boring guy! Kudos!!



WHO'S SO DULL NOW
(Tune: "Who's the Fool Now" or "Martin Said to His Man")

John Smith said to dull man, my bland guy
John Smith said to dull man, who's so dull now
John Smith said to dull man, watch thou in cup how syrup ran
Thou hast well dull been, man, who's so dull now

I saw a man watch the moon, my bland guy
I saw a man watch the moon, who's so dull, now
I saw a man watch the moon, the sun, the sky, from night to noon
Thou hast well dull been, man, who's so dull now

I saw the goose and the hog, my bland guy
I saw the goose and the hog, who's so dull, now
I saw the goose and the hog, I watched them sleeping like a log
Thou hast well dull been, man, who's so dull now

I saw a hair on the hound, my bland guy
I saw a hair on the hound, who's so dull, now
I saw a hair on the hound, 'twas shedding, falling to the ground
Thou hast well dull been, man, who's so dull now

I saw the mouse on the pad, my bland guy
I saw the mouse on the pad, who's so dull, now
I saw the mouse on the pad, I clicked on where the dull site's at
Thou hast well dull been, man, who's so dull now

I saw a leaf on a tree, my bland guy
I saw a leaf on a tree, who's so dull, now
I saw a leaf on a tree, I watched it grow from 9 till 3
Thou hast well dull been, man, who's so dull now

I saw a maid, shat the bull, my bland guy
I saw a maid, shat the bull, who's so dull, now
I saw a maid, shat the bull, at every lull she said I'm dull
Thou hast well dull been, man, who's so dull now

John Smith said to dull man, my bland guy
John Smith said to dull man, who's so dull now
John Smith said to dull man, will thou 'fess up how dull I am?
Thou hast well dull been, man, who's so dull now

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Aidan Crossey
Date: 29 Aug 01 - 05:50 AM

THE LIMERICK ANTI-RAKE
(to the tune of the Limerick Rake)

I'm not a young fellow that's easy nor bold
When confronted with danger my feet they grow cold
My ma's apron strings I found hard to leave hold
Which caused her some quare consternation
I eat when I'm hungry, as much as I need
But not a scrap more, I would class that as greed
When it comes to the drink, and it comes to the feed
My motto would be "Moderation"

I've never been tempted to raise merry hell
Peaceable quiet serves me quite well
Stories about me, there are none to tell
I'm a man who's determinedly boring
I don't cause no ructions, I don't start no fights
I'm tucked up in bed come eleven each night
With the blankets around me, my eyes are shut tight
No sound 'cept the odd gentle snoring

When it comes to the music, there's much I can't handle
But I'm a big fan of that fine crooner Daniel
O'Donnell.I know that there's some that can't standle
Him, whose tastes are a bit more demanding
But music that challenges, music that bites
That questions and nags and (they tell me) delights
Would cause me some trouble, I'd grow pale with fright
As it surpassed my small understanding

In the final look-out, I know where I stand
I'm the king of the safe and the lord of the bland
The high priest of middle-ground, no other man
Can beat me for sheer bloody boredom
But sometimes when nobody's looking I dream
Of reversing my lot, of letting off steam
Of drinking and drugging and making a scene
Debauchery, rock'n'roll whoredom

I'd spit in the face of convention and taste
To hell with the upright, to hell with the chaste
I'd give you the finger and sneer in your face
Like yer man, the punk rocker, Sid Vicious
But then with a jolt I dismiss all such thoughts
And feel like a thief who's been stupidly caught
With his hand in the till, and I know that I ought
To acknowledge that my dearest wish is

To die in my bed in the midst of a sleep
Out of harm's way, it's my mission to keep
Always to look before making a leap
And always to watch where I'm landing
To cause no offence and to be left alone
And if ever, dear God, I should become well-known
It won't be because I've been bad to the bone
But because I've been fairly upstanding

Subject: RE: SONG CHALLENGE! Part 16
From: Eden
Date: 25 Feb 04 - 08:05 AM

Say, does anyone know a place to find the lyrics for "Mrs. Robinson"? And while we're on the subject of Simon and Garfunkle, how about "The Sound of Silence"?