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Humorous songs

KT 06 Apr 00 - 02:05 AM
Magpie 06 Apr 00 - 03:04 AM
Dave (the ancient mariner) 06 Apr 00 - 06:03 AM
Scabby Douglas 06 Apr 00 - 08:18 AM
Crowhugger 06 Apr 00 - 08:37 AM
Gary T 06 Apr 00 - 10:12 AM
Rob-IL 06 Apr 00 - 10:29 AM
GUEST,Mrrzy-at-work 06 Apr 00 - 12:29 PM
GUEST,Mrrzy-at-work 06 Apr 00 - 12:30 PM
Bert 06 Apr 00 - 12:47 PM
kendall 06 Apr 00 - 01:09 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 06 Apr 00 - 01:22 PM
Steve Latimer 06 Apr 00 - 02:08 PM
Melbert 06 Apr 00 - 03:12 PM
Midchuck 06 Apr 00 - 03:27 PM
SDShad 06 Apr 00 - 03:50 PM
SDShad 06 Apr 00 - 03:53 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 06 Apr 00 - 06:02 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 06 Apr 00 - 06:08 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 06 Apr 00 - 06:12 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 06 Apr 00 - 06:15 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 06 Apr 00 - 06:19 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 06 Apr 00 - 06:21 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 06 Apr 00 - 06:23 PM
GUEST,Jim Dixon 06 Apr 00 - 06:26 PM
Pixie 06 Apr 00 - 08:01 PM
Mister Dressup 06 Apr 00 - 08:25 PM
Mark Cohen 06 Apr 00 - 10:44 PM
Kelida 06 Apr 00 - 11:28 PM
Mrrzy 06 Apr 00 - 11:48 PM
Mrrzy 07 Apr 00 - 12:01 AM
KT 07 Apr 00 - 01:43 AM
reggie miles 07 Apr 00 - 11:53 AM
Bert 07 Apr 00 - 12:03 PM
pastorpest 07 Apr 00 - 06:10 PM
Eluned 08 Apr 00 - 12:36 AM
Eluned 08 Apr 00 - 12:40 AM
Kelida 08 Apr 00 - 12:47 AM
Sailor Dan 08 Apr 00 - 03:29 AM
Sailor Dan 08 Apr 00 - 03:53 AM
vindelis 08 Apr 00 - 05:45 AM
GUEST,J Kann 01 Mar 02 - 11:07 PM
Uncle_DaveO 02 Mar 02 - 02:03 PM
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Subject: Humorous songs
From: KT
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 02:05 AM

Hi folks! I'm looking for humorous songs which are appropriate for a very broad audience....kids to grandmas. Any suggestions?


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Magpie
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 03:04 AM

I don't know what kind of music you're into, but here are some Irish songs:
MAIDS, WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG (in the DT)
THE SOME SAY THE DIVIL IS DEAD
SICK NOTE
THE OLD WOMAN FROM WEXFORD (in the DT)
WEILE WAILE

You'll find some of them in the database, but not all. If you want the lyrics, just send me a personal message, and I'll give them to you. (I'd make a blue clicky thing for you if only I knew how!)

Good luck from Magpie


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 06:03 AM

Five Foot Flirt, by Cyril Tawney.. Yours, Aye. Dave


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Scabby Douglas
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 08:18 AM

Manyura Manyah.. by Matt McGinn..

In fact, most songs by Matt Mcginn

Enjoy

Steven C


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Crowhugger
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 08:37 AM

Check out the thread on songs for medical students. Some might not be ok for broad aud, but others, yes. You'll have to reset refresh for maybe a few weeks back unless I had the sense to trace it. If I had my wits about me, it's on my PP and I'll refresh it now. If you don't see it, it's run off with my wits!

CH


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Gary T
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 10:12 AM

"Frog Kissing", written by Buddy Kalb, recorded by Chet Atkins.
"Mississippi Squirrel Revival", written by Buddy Kalb, recorded by Ray Stevens.
"Marie Laveau", recorded by Bobby Bare. (Helps a lot if you can reproduce the gargly scream preceding the line "another man done gone".)


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Rob-IL
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 10:29 AM

Hopalong Peter is a good song for kids...


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: GUEST,Mrrzy-at-work
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 12:29 PM

There is also a good one by Raffi (performed, don't know if he wrote it too) whose title I don't know, and I didn't see it in the db. In it, someone keeps having things in their shoe, the announcement of each of which is accompanied by audience response, and the things keep getting bigger and bigger till the guy decides to go barefoot. I think it's really cute. Plus it's a memory song, where every verse you repeat the objects from the earlier verses.

Here are the lyrics I remember of his (I've made up many verses, with things of greater and greater size, for between bird and locomotive):

Verse 1:As I was walking down the street / I had some trouble with my feet /

**I had trouble with my feet, there was something in my shoe, so I took it off and I shook it; well, lookit, lookit, lookit! You know what fell out?

Audience (shouts): What fell out?**

A little wee stone.

Audience: (claps twice)

**So I put my show back on my feet, kept on walking down the street.**

Verse 2:I was going to the corner store, one step two steps three steps four /

(repeat lines between the **) A bouncing ball! (Audience reply: makes bouncing gestures and shouts Boing, Boing) and a little wee stone (clap, clap)/(repeat between **)

Verse 3:As I was driving in my car, guess I didn't get very far /** **/ A flying bird! (flying gestures), a bouncing ball... and a little wee stone.../** **/

Verse 4:I went home, stood on the kitchen floor, but I was still very sore/** **/ A Locomotive! (shouts Toot, toot and makes pulling the whisle gesture) / So I went to my room in bare feet, climbed into bed and went to sleep.


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: GUEST,Mrrzy-at-work
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 12:30 PM

Of course, it's his SHOE he puts back on his foot. Sorry.


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Bert
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 12:47 PM

Don't forget the Mudcat songbook, there's dozens there. You'll find it under the quicklinks


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: kendall
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 01:09 PM

The Man who fell through a hole in his shoe..
Three legged man.
Shel Silverstein I cant get offa my horse (Maury Amsterdam.)
Angus McFergus McTavish Dundee. ??
The cat came back.


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 01:22 PM

My favorite humorous singer-songwriters are Lou and Peter Berryman. DigiTrad has several songs of theirs. To find them, search for "Berryman". Their web site has several more. I especially recommend "The F-Word." Don't worry - it doesn't contain the f-word - it only contains "the f-word." Got it?


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 02:08 PM

Loudon Wainwright III's "Dead Skunk"


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Melbert
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 03:12 PM

My grandfather's ferret

What do doggies do when they get bogies up their nose? (Bob Kirkpatrick)

Little Gomez
Nobodies Moggie Now (both by Eric Bogle)

Isobel makes love upon national monuments
Grandad
Brother gorilla
Castleford Ladies Magical Circle
Bantam Cock
Leopold Alcox (all by Jake Thackeray)

The sick note (Murphy and the bricks)

Don't give up your day job
The annual cartoon character's ball
The most unlucky person in the world
Mommy Mommy what's going on (all by Richard Digance)


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Midchuck
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 03:27 PM

Jim Dixon sayeth:

"My favorite humorous singer-songwriters are Lou and Peter Berryman. DigiTrad has several songs of theirs. To find them, search for "Berryman". Their web site has several more. I especially recommend "The F-Word." Don't worry - it doesn't contain the f-word - it only contains "the f-word." Got it?"

My wife does the song. Did it once at an outdoor show and a lady comes up afterwords and complains. Thought the song was improper where there were children listening. My wife says, but, I never said "the word" - or any bad word. The lady says, yes, but what if my little kid asks what the word is? What will I tell him?

My wife asked, how old is your kid? The lady said kindergarten. My wife (who is a public school teacher) said "He knows. Believe me."

The lady went away mad anyway. F*** her.

Peter.


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Subject: Lyr/Tune Add: MY VERY BEST TOOTH (Dr. Seuss)
From: SDShad
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 03:50 PM

I'm working from deeply-ingrained childhood memory here, but this is kind of a short-but-fun one that gets both kids and grownups giggling, in my experience. It was on the "Dr. Seuss Song Book" LP that we had when I was little; the album is lost to time, and perhaps my sister's record collection. :-) I'm pretty sure my memory of the words and tune are close to spot-on, but I haven't a clue the title. I'm going with "My Very Best Tooth," although it could just as easily be "In My Bureau Drawer," or some such. Enjoy.

My Very Best Tooth
by Dr. Seuss

I once knew a fellow who had twelve teeth
Five up on top and five underneath
And one in his pocket and that left one more
Which he kept safe at home in his bureau drawer

He said to me, "It is the truth
That one is my very best tooth
So I keep it safe, safe at home
In my bureau drawer

And, since ya'll probably aren't going to know the tune, from the cobwebby attic of my memory:

MIDI file: verybest.mid

Timebase: 192

TimeSig: 4/4 24 8
Name: Staff
Start
0000 1 64 110 0160 0 64 000 0032 1 67 110 0160 0 67 000 0032 1 64 110 0094 0 64 000 0002 1 64 110 0094 0 64 000 0002 1 64 110 0094 0 64 000 0002 1 60 110 0094 0 60 000 0002 1 60 110 0160 0 60 000 0032 1 62 110 0160 0 62 000 0032 1 55 110 0160 0 55 000 0032 1 55 110 0352 0 55 000 0032 1 55 110 0160 0 55 000 0032 1 62 110 0094 0 62 000 0002 1 62 110 0094 0 62 000 0002 1 62 110 0160 0 62 000 0032 1 65 110 0160 0 65 000 0032 1 64 110 0160 0 64 000 0032 1 60 110 0094 0 60 000 0002 1 60 110 0094 0 60 000 0002 1 60 110 0160 0 60 000 0032 1 64 110 0160 0 64 000 0032 1 67 110 0160 0 67 000 0032 1 64 110 0094 0 64 000 0002 1 64 110 0094 0 64 000 0002 1 64 110 0094 0 64 000 0002 1 60 110 0094 0 60 000 0002 1 60 110 0094 0 60 000 0002 1 60 110 0094 0 60 000 0002 1 62 110 0160 0 62 000 0032 1 55 110 0160 0 55 000 0032 1 55 110 0160 0 55 000 0032 1 55 110 0094 0 55 000 0002 1 55 110 0094 0 55 000 0002 1 55 110 0160 0 55 000 0032 1 62 110 0094 0 62 000 0002 1 62 110 0094 0 62 000 0002 1 62 110 0160 0 62 000 0032 1 64 110 0094 0 64 000 0002 1 65 110 0094 0 65 000 0002 1 64 110 0160 0 64 000 0032 1 60 110 0160 0 60 000 0032 1 60 110 0160 0 60 000 0128 1 60 110 0094 0 60 000 0002 1 60 110 0256 0 60 000 0032 1 60 110 0094 0 60 000 0002 1 60 110 0286 0 60 000 0002 1 60 110 0094 0 60 000 0002 1 57 110 0160 0 57 000 0032 1 57 110 0160 0 57 000 0032 1 60 110 0160 0 60 000 0224 1 62 110 0160 0 62 000 0032 1 55 110 0160 0 55 000 0032 1 55 110 0160 0 55 000 0032 1 62 110 0160 0 62 000 0032 1 64 110 0094 0 64 000 0002 1 60 110 0094 0 60 000 0002 1 60 110 0160 0 60 000 0032 1 60 110 0160 0 60 000 0032 1 60 110 0094 0 60 000 0002 1 60 110 0094 0 60 000 0002 1 57 110 0160 0 57 000 0032 1 60 110 0160 0 60 000 0032 1 60 110 0160 0 60 000 0224 1 55 110 0160 0 55 000 0032 1 60 110 0160 0 60 000 0032 1 60 110 0160 0 60 000 0224 1 59 110 0256 0 59 000 0032 1 55 110 0094 0 55 000 0002 1 59 110 0160 0 59 000 0032 1 62 110 0160 0 62 000 0032 1 60 110 0528 0 60 000
End

This program is worth the effort of learning it.

To download the March 10 MIDItext 98 software and get instructions on how to use it click here

ABC format:

X:1
T:My Very Best Tooth
M:4/4
Q:1/4=120
K:C
E2G2EEEC|C2D2G,2G,2|-G,2G,2DDD2|F2E2CCC2|
E2G2EEEC|CCD2G,2G,2|G,G,G,2DDD2|EFE2C2C2|
-CCC3CC2|-CCA,2A,2C2|-C2D2G,2G,2|D2ECC2C2|
CCA,2C2C2|-C2G,2C2C2|-C2B,3G,B,2|D2C11/2||


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: SDShad
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 03:53 PM

And then, there's always "MARVELOUS TOY" by Tom Paxton.

Chris


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Subject: Lyr Add: CHAPSTICKS (Peter Berryman/trad)^^
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 06:02 PM

CHAPSTICKS

(@1992 L&P Berryman. Words by Peter, melody traditional: "Chopsticks".)

Nisswa, Waseca, Wadena, Sebeca,
Wayzata, Zumbrota, Moorhead, Minneota,
Ceylon, Ely, Waverly, Sheridan, Shakopee,
Sleepy Eye, Eveleth, Albert Lea.

St. Cloud, St. Clair, St. James, St. Michael,
St. Paul, St. Peter, St. Anthony,
New Hope, Newport, New Prague, New London,
New Ulm, New Brighton, and Albany.

Osseo, Cokato, Buffalo, Grand Meadow,
Delano, Esko, Pengilly, Montgomery,
Rochester, Royalton, Worthington, Corcoran,
Bertha, Bimidji, and Harmony.

Dellwood, Floodwood, Glenwood, Woodbury,
And Blooming Prairie and Grand Marais,
Red Wing, Blackduck, Blue Earth, Browns Valley,
And Golden Valley and Silver Bay.

Eagle Lake, Elbow Lake, Silver Lake Prior Lake,
Heron Lake, Sturgeon Lake, Battle Lake, Big Lake,
Lake Crystal, Lake Elmo, Lake City, Lake Benton,
Lake Park, Minnesota Lake, White Bear Lake.

Duluth, Luverne, Le Sueur, La Crescent,
Cologne, Clarissa. Now who'd we miss?
Goodhue, Goodview, Fairfax, Good Thunder,
Belle Plaine, Bellaire, Minneapolis.

Brooten and Brainerd and Marble and Maynard,
Edina, Mankato, Lake Woebegon
(Ha ha), Maplewood, Mapleton, Maple Lake, Maple Plain,
Maple Grove, Mable, and on and on.

---
Note: all the towns mentioned (except one) are real towns in Minnesota.
@humor @city @midwest JTD
^^


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE DOG OF TIME (Peter & Lou Berryman)^^
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 06:08 PM

THE DOG OF TIME

(@1994 L&P Berryman. Words by Peter, music by Lou.)

The dog of time is growling now and leans upon my chest.
He whines and howls and paws my face and chews my paisley vest.
He barks to wake the dog of death asleep upon the sill,
Who hasn't barked an answer yet but soon someday he will.

And then the dog of night arrives with all his friends, it seems,
The dog of peace in limbo and the dog of broken dreams.
And from behind the La-Z-Boy the dog of all regret
Appears beside the drowsy dog of overwhelming debt.

The Doberman of entropy is drooling in the gloom,
And, slinking through the vestibule, the Wiener Dog of doom.
The Labrador of loneliness is looking doubly bleak.
The Poodle of depression licks the Pekinese of pique.

The Newfoundland of nihilism paces in the hall.
The Setter of procrastination leans against a wall.
The Terrier of terror and the Rottweiler of rot
Grow skittish while the mutt of life is shedding on the cot.

The St. Bernard belligerence is trembling in a chair.
The Corgi of confusion smells the tension in the air.
The mangy Chow of gluttony is hungry for a fight.
The Pit Bull of apocalypse is howling in the night.

By hook or crook I get 'em all to settle down a spell.
They aren't all asleep but they're unwinding, I can tell.
I need to settle down myself and think I have a chance,
When through the open window jumps the kitty of romance.

@humor @dog @aging JTD
^^
Hey, everybody, look what a great job Jim did of formatting these songs for the Digital Tradition. Thank you very much, Jim!
-Joe Harvester-


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Subject: Lyr Add: HERE'S LOUIE WITH THE SPORTS (Berryman)^^
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 06:12 PM

HERE'S LOUIE WITH THE SPORTS

(@1992 L&P Berryman. Words by Peter, music by Lou.)

The Braves trounced the Cubbies 11 to 7,
While Montreal stomped on St. Louis again.
The Phillies were monsters and tore up the Pirates,
While New York was annihilated by Houston in ten.

The Red Sox kicked hinder and beat up on Baltimore,
Knocking them senseless by 7 to one.
Texas shot holes in the torso of Cleveland
And left them for the undertaker in the afternoon sun.

The Angels were coated with jam by the Tigers
And stretched across anthills of African ants.
The Yankees tied rats to the tongues of the Twins
And poured wood ticks and tarantulas down the fronts of their pants.

The Reds pulled the skin off the Giants on Tuesday
And boiled their brains in a cauldron of lye.
The Dodgers descended like napalm on puppies
And left San Diego whimpering and begging to die.

The Blue Jays put bombs in the cars of the Yankees
And burned down their houses and tortured their wives.
The Royals injected the Tigers with Drano
And gave them appendectomies with serrated knives.

Oakland sandpapered the gums of Seattle
And dug out their eyes with a rusty old spoon.
The Brewers put chains on the White Sox's children
And dragged them through Chicagoland on Sunday at noon.

@humor @sport @baseball JTD
^^


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Subject: Lyr Add: ORANGE COCOA CAKE (P & L Berryman)^^
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 06:15 PM

ORANGE COCOA CAKE

(@1993 L&P Berryman. Words by Peter, music by Lou.)

Hello, Joanie, this is me. Say, I found that recipe
For Orange Cocoa Cake, so, Joanie, get a pencil quick because
Can you believe I'm by myself? Al's at work. The kids are out.
They're playing house, all three of them! They're all out on the deck.

One-half cup unsweetened cocoa. One-half cup of boiling water.
Quarter cup of butter and a quarter cup of shortening. Two cups
Sugar, one-eighth teaspoon salt. Teaspoon of vanilla. One and
One-half teaspoons baking soda. 'Scuse me just a sec.

Dave, dear! I'm right over here.
Would you like some crackers and baloney?
Are you having fun? Don't get too much sun.
Please excuse me while I talk to Joanie.

Two eggs, Joanie. David! David! Crackers dear, not malted milk balls.
In the cupboard. Joanie, one cup buttermilk or sour milk.
One and three-fourths cups unsifted... Ring baloney in the fridge!
Unsifted general purpose... David! Did you really check?

One and three-fourths cups unsifted general-purpose flour, Joanie.
There I finally got it out! Okay, David malted milk balls.
Only five though! Three-fourths teaspoon grated orange peel. A quarter
Teaspoon orange extract. Uh-oh, 'scuse me just a sec.

Liz! Ben! I'm here in the den.
Would you like some crackers and baloney?
Are you having fun? Don't get too much sun.
Please excuse me while I talk to Joanie.

Joanie, one more eighth teaspoon of... Lizzie, what's the matter, dear?
Baking soda, Joanie. Lizzie! Don't hit Benjie! That's uncalled-for.
That's okay, Ben. Joanie, three more tablespoons of buttermilk or
Sour milk. Oh, come here, Liz! What's that on your neck?

Now, don't worry, Liz, it's only one real tiny tick. Someone...
David! Go and get the tweezers! Joanie, maybe... In the bathroom!
Joanie, maybe we should... Ben, don't cry! Have one more malted milk ball.
Lizzie, mom'll be right there, but...'Scuse me just a sec.

(Double time:)
Really gotta go, Joan, see about a tick, we're
Gonna have a party with the neighborhood kids. Then
Lizzie has to go to an appointment at eleven an' I'm
Takin' Benjie too because we have to buy a costume.

He's in a play tomorrow over at the church.
Isn't it tomorrow, Benjie? Benjie! Wheredja go? Lizzie,
Isn't Benjie gonna play a piece o' pie tomorrow? I
Remember now, a pumpkin pie.

Lizzie can't go. There's a party in the park for all the
People with pets. Well, you know she gotta go to that, and
Daddy gonna take her and the kitty in the Chevy. After
That we have to reconnoiter over at the Big Boy.

I gotta go, Joan. By the way, d'ja'ever recon-
Sider gettin' married? Havin' children of your own?
Turn the television down. Your mother's on the telephone.
Call you back, Joan, toodle-oo.

@humor @food @children @family @telephone JTD
^^


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Subject: Lyr Add: PUSHING SPRING TANGO (P & L Berryman)^^
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 06:19 PM

PUSHING SPRING TANGO

(©1994 L&P Berryman. Words by Peter, music by Lou.)

It isn't forty-four degrees.
There is no green yet in the trees.
It may be March, but even so,
There's still a foot of snow.
Tonight it's gonna freeze.
What green there is, is in her thumb
As her seed catalogs have come.
She can take those five-below nights.
As long as she has grow-lights,
Her life is not so glum.

(Chorus:)
Don't try to tell her she has to wait for robins to sing.
Don't ever say she's jumping the gun by pushing the spring.
She'll wave a dirty trowel and say, "So what if I do?
If you had spent your life in Wisconsin, you'd push it too."

You could try wooing her with wine,
Although you'll have to stand in line
Behind a tuber in a tub,
An ornamental shrub,
And cuttings off a vine.
Don't bring her poems of romance,
But know the names of all her plants.
Don't buy a diamond to surprise her,
But bring some fertilizer,
And you may stand a chance.

(Chorus)

Now you are nothing in her eyes
If you don't photosynthesize.
If you have leaves instead of hair,
Then you may get somewhere.
I doubt it otherwise.
Don't bother opening your shirt.
Unless you're green, she doesn't flirt.
She will ignore your conversation.
Her mind's on germination.
Her heart is in the dirt.

(Chorus)

@humor @garden @courtship @spring JTD
^^


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Subject: Lyr Add: SCIENCE MARCHES ON (P & L Berryman)^^
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 06:21 PM

SCIENCE MARCHES ON

(@1996 L&P Berryman. Words by Peter, music by Lou.)

(Lou:)
The lake dries up and the sun goes down and the rose grows old and dies.
The cyclone hits like a wall o' bricks and the swelling rivers rise.
The wolf's right there with a deadly glare in the lair of the newborn fawn.
Draught kills trout and stars burn out but science marches on.

(Peter:)
Drive through CAT-scan, fax on the belt, modem in a wristwatch, Naugahyde pelt.
Non-fat lard cake, Bible on a chip, parabolic smelloscope, freeze-dried dip.
Laser eye surgery, fusion in jars, paperless government, driverless cars.
CD-ROM phone book, edible earth, motherless fatherless Petri-dish birth.

(Lou:)
The eyeballs fail and the backbone bends and the hair's no longer brown.
The big ears flap and I need a nap and I think I'll go lie down.
I draw the shades as the future fades and the past is nearly gone.
Your friends all croak and you're old and broke but science marches on.

(Peter:)
DNA Tinker-Toys, clone polliwog, hydroponic parsley, virtual dog.
HDTV, antigrav skis, ultrasound tooth brush, Teflon trees.
Teleport phone booth, cyborg brain, vertical take-off passenger train.
Moneyless megamall, microchip checks, wireless digital cellular sex.

(Both (alternate phrases:)
Ten-year ice cube, time-travel shorts, subatomic pinball, submarine sports.
Deep-space billboard, smoking vaccine, sugarless low-cal soylent green.
Prozac Automat, phaser in a pen, light-emitting overcoat, sensitive men.
Internet fern bar, humanoid squids, 88-gigabyte floptical kids.

Black-hole trashcan, moon-crater home, automatic washcloth, self-propelled comb.
Sensor in the brain pan, feelavision set, flyaway Chevrolet camper-van jet.
Interactive oleo, La-Z-Boy shoes, autofocus windowpane, remedial blues.
Self-clean condo, Astroturf shrub, flashback epiphany afterlife club.

@humor @science JTD
^^


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE SPECULATOR (Lou & Peter Berryman)^^
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 06:23 PM

THE SPECULATOR
^^ (@1992 L&P Berryman. Words by Peter, music by Lou.)

(Lou sings everything except that which is bracketed [like this], which Peter sings.)

We're never ever bored when we're ridin' in the Ford,
'Cause we have a Speculator on the dash.
It doesn't pay the bills or assist you up the hills,
And it isn't gonna save you if you crash.

But when you pass a dairy now and then,
And find that you are wondering again
What's that little shack by the barn around the back,
You can turn the Speculator up to ten.

[Could it be a shed where the farmer keeps a bed
For the guy who comes to help him with the cows?]
Betcha it's a shop with a grinder and a strop
For the day they hafta sharpen up the plows.

[A shanty for the pluckin' of the duck,]
Or where they turn the cattle into chuck,
[Or where they find the mule when it's time to go to school
And the farmer's havin' trouble with the truck,]
(Both:) Or where they find the mule when it's time to go to school
And the farmer's havin' trouble with the truck.

---

Nothin' really like a jalopy on the pike
With the rattle of the window in the door,
With the whining of the wheels and the radio spiels
And the clatter of the clutter on the floor.

Then we hear a chuckle from the hood.
Somethin' isn't workin' like it should.
We may have to walk, but, judgin' from the talk,
The Speculator's workin' pretty good.

[Maybe it's the link from the pedal on the blink
Comin' off enough to wiggle and to clunk.]
Maybe it's the choke, [Or the heating coil broke,]
Or there's someone entertaining in the trunk.

[Maybe it's a carburetor fire
Burning insulation off a wire]
I think a chunk o' rust could 'a' twisted in a gust
And be rubbin' on the rubber of the tire.
(Both:) I think a chunk o' rust could 'a' twisted in a gust
And be rubbin' on the rubber of the tire.

---

When you're on the plains in the Colorado rains
Or you're drivin' to Bemidji in the snow,
When you're headed north from Chicago on the Fourth
And a Winnebago's holdin' up the show,

Conversation God-almighty dull,
Absolutely nothin' in the skull,
You can drive to the equator if you have a Speculator
And you flip it on whenever there's a lull.

['Zat a chip o' wood in the middle of the hood,]
Or a chicken enchilada for an elf?
[Maybe it's a gob from the chin of Uncle Bob
Who is not a man to keep it to himself.]

Maybe it's a serviette for birds,
[A glossary of itty-bitty words.]
Maybe it's a tuffet where a hurried little muffet
Lost her whey when she was leavin' with the curds.
(Both:) Maybe its a tuffet where a hurried little muffet
Lost her whey when she was leavin' with the curds.

---

When you're nearly hit by a yuppie little twit
With his godforsaken noggin on the phone,
Swervin' in your lane goin' ninety in the rain,
In a cloud of Amaretto and cologne,

You feel the anger in you go to work.
Maybe now's the time to go berserk.
Before you pop a vessel, let the Speculator wrestle
With another way of lookin' at the jerk.

[Maybe he's a shrink with a patient on the brink
And he's rushing there while tryin' to talk him down.]
Maybe he's aware there's a toxin in the air
And he's off to warn the people of the town.

[Someone in the family could be sick.]
His daughter hit his mother with a brick.
[His dog has got the rabies] or his wife is having babies,
(Both:) Though the odds are in your favor he's a prick.

@humor @travel @car JTD
^^


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Subject: Lyr Add: WHY AM I PAINTING THE LIVING ROOM?^^
From: GUEST,Jim Dixon
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 06:26 PM

WHY AM I PAINTING THE LIVING ROOM?

(©1988 L&P Berryman. Words by Peter, Music by Lou.)

(Lou:)
Holes in the ozone the size of Brazil,
Barges of trash in the chewable breeze,
Pools of industrial wasteland paté,
Sulfur dioxide dissolving the trees,
Pretty soon it will all end with a boom.
Why am I painting the living room?

(Peter:)
I have the whole day off
Cause it's a Saturday.
There is a bluegrass band
Somewhere along the bay.
Look at the lilacs bloom.
Why am I painting the living room?

(Lou:)
A pinhead evangelist pays for his sin
With a five-dollar fine for a black-collar crime.
Kingpins of industry knowingly nod.
Just like Lake Erie they're twelve percent slime.
They wink at the president too I assume,
And here I am painting the living room.

(Peter:)
I hear the bluebird sing.
Don't let the day go by.
Look at the blossoms blow
Over the blue, blue sky
All with a wild perfume,
And here I am painting the living room.

(Both (repeated as per melody):)
Why am I painting the living room?

(Lou:)
Ah, yes, I can see how my tombstone will read:
"Here lies someone of exceptional worth.
Though she did not do a lot for her kind,
Or help hold together this crumbling earth,
Here lies a woman they're saying of whom,
Sure had a good-looking living room."

@humor @politics @house @home JTD
^^


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Pixie
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 08:01 PM

Cheryl Wheeler's "I Can't Watch TV" (I think that's the title) from "Mrs. Pinocci's Guitar" CD...fit for all audiences, short and fun.


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Subject: Lyr Add: DIRTY SOCKS (Erick Traplin)^^
From: Mister Dressup
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 08:25 PM

There's a really neat song I've heard by a Canadian children's entertainer named Erick Traplin.


DIRTY SOCKS
As recorded by Erick Traplin on "Behind My Attic Door" (1993)

Now my big brother works on the farm, baling straw and hay,
Wearing rubber boots! He works in them all day.
Then at night when he comes home, he puts his socks away,
Stores them in a plastic bag; it's enough to make you gag!

Now early next morning he takes those socks and puts them on again.
I don't know how he stands the smell. His nose must be made of tin.
Then he shoves them in his rubber boots, with a great big grin,
'Cause by week's end, they're dirty and stiff, and he'll make me take a whiff!

CHORUS: Don't make me smell your dirty socks; you've been wearing them all week.
The only thing that could smell worse is your dirty feet.
You said you'd take me to a show if I'd just smell your socks,
But I know if I did that I'd be in a state of shock!

Well, he wears them out all week long and the smell keeps getting stronger.
I think they'd get up and walk away if he wore them any longer.
At the end of the week when he comes home, I can hear him holler:
"Before I take you to a show, you'll smell my socks, you know." CHORUS TWICE

SPOKEN: Aw, get 'em out o' my face, man! They stink! It better be a good show!


another good song: "Star Trekkin" by The Firm (I heard it on the Dr. Demento radio show)


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Subject: Lyr Add: SWEET VIOLETS^^^
From: Mark Cohen
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 10:44 PM

Jim, thanks for the Berryman songs. I just sent Chapsticks to my stepson in St. Paul. I've always been partial to "Your State's Name Here". And Anita Silvert once wrote a last verse to "A Chat With Your Mother" (a/k/a The F-Word Song) that goes:

There are mothers who have had it with the screaming and the whining
"All our toys are broken and there's nothing left to do"
It's been raining for three weeks, the same flu bug is still among us...
It's from *me* I would expect to hear the F-word, not from you!

My kids have always liked this song, that I learned from a Sing Along With Mitch album long ago. No idea who wrote it, or how to post the tune. As usual, I forgot to check the DT before starting this post...

Sweet Violets

There once was a farmer who took a young miss
In back of the barn and he gave her a
Lecture on horses and chickens and eggs
And told her that she had such beautiful
Manners that suited a girl of her charms
A girl that he wanted to take in his
Washing and ironing and then if she did
They could get married and raise lots of

Sweet violets, sweeter than all the roses
Covered all over from head to toe
Covered all over with
Sweet violets

The girl told the farmer that he'd better stop
And she called her father and he called a
Taxi and got there before very long
Cause someone was doing his little girl
Right for a change and so that's why he said
If you marry her son, you're better off
Single cause it's always been my belief
Marriage will bring a man nothing but
Sweet violets...

The farmer decided he'd wed anyway
And started in planning for his wedding
Suit which though it cost him only one buck
He soon found out he was fresh out of
Money and so he was left in the lurch
Standing and waiting in front of the
End of the story which just goes to show
All a girl wants from a man is his
Sweet violets...

Aloha,
Mark ^^^


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Subject: Lyr Add: THE SCOTSMAN^^^
From: Kelida
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 11:28 PM

Anything by "Weird Al" Yankovic (if you can get permission of course). But also. . .

THE SCOTSMAN

A Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair
And one could tell by how he walked he'd drunk more than his share
He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet
Then stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
CHO: Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o
He stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by,
And one says to the other with a twinkle in her eye
You see yon sleeping Scotsman who is young and handsome built
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt.
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o
I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt.

They crept up to the sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be
Then lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see
And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt
Was nothing but what God had graced him with upon his birth
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o
There was nothing there but what God gave upon his birth

They marveled for a moment then one said we'd best be gone
But let's leave a present for our friend before we move along
They took a blue silk ribbon and they tied it in a bow
Around the bonnie spar that the Scot's lifted kilt did show
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o
Around the bonnie spar that the Scot's lifted kilt did show

The Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled toward a tree
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees
Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes
He said, "Lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize"
Ring ding diddle diddle i de o
Ring di diddle i o
He said, "Lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize"
^^^

HTML line breaks added in place of "/b/". --JoeClone, 28-Jun-02.


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Apr 00 - 11:48 PM

The Elements by Tom Lehrer. No, I don't know the lyrics, but I bet they're in the db. Also something I've heard Pete Seeger do, starting Alligator hedgehog anteater bear that just names animals on and on... I've been trying to memorize that one for years. All I do is chime in with the last 3 animals after Pete prompts me with the first of each line.


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Apr 00 - 12:01 AM

I heard a friend sing these, no idea if they have real authors:

The Large Dark Aardvark Song and

Vinter in the Valley Green. Note that Vinter is not a typo.


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: KT
Date: 07 Apr 00 - 01:43 AM

Wow!! Thanks for all the great ideas!! Now...to set about the task of finding and learning the melodies!!!


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: reggie miles
Date: 07 Apr 00 - 11:53 AM

Nervous Norvis wrote and recorded "Ape Call" sometime in the fifties. The kids seem to like the part with the Tarzan-like yell, especially if you get them to yell along. I spose it wouldn't hurt the grandmas to flex their vocals on this one either. I have had entire rooms full of people ape calling along with me. It's a beautiful thing.


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Bert
Date: 07 Apr 00 - 12:03 PM

Here's THE HIPPOPOTAMUS SONG.

Oh and Pixie just mentioned Cheryl Wheeler. Her "Potato Song" is a must.


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: pastorpest
Date: 07 Apr 00 - 06:10 PM

Two I really like and use are both on the digitrad: The E-ri-e Canal, and The Chivalrous Shark


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Eluned
Date: 08 Apr 00 - 12:36 AM

You really should consider "Shaving Cream"; you probably already know it, the Grandmas will know it and can sing along, and the kids will love it!


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Eluned
Date: 08 Apr 00 - 12:40 AM

Oh, yeah, this from the peanut gallery; "Fish Heads", the one that goes "Fish Heads, F H, roly-poly fish-heads: Fish-heads, F-h, eat em' up yum!" It's yucky so the kids'll like it, and it's clean.

BTW, anyone know who did this one??


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Kelida
Date: 08 Apr 00 - 12:47 AM

I LOVE that song, but I don't know if there's an author for it. BTW, when I was in middle school I knew a guy who's last name was Fish, so my friends and I always sang this song around him. . .I don't think he thought it was as funny as we did. . .


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Sailor Dan
Date: 08 Apr 00 - 03:29 AM

A humourous Irish song that I have always like is the story of Tim Finnegans Wake. Someone who is a singer told me its tricky to learn. I dont sing, (the world thanks me} but I do get a kick out of that one


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Sailor Dan
Date: 08 Apr 00 - 03:53 AM

By the way the words to Finnegins Wake is in the Data Base above.


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: vindelis
Date: 08 Apr 00 - 05:45 AM

How about Les Barker's 'English Book of Penguin Folk Songs'? A veritable hoard of wonderful parodies. 'The weddell waddle Penguins O' being one , and 'Kissed by a Seal' being another.


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: GUEST,J Kann
Date: 01 Mar 02 - 11:07 PM

Does anyone have the chords for any of the above Lou and Peter Berryman songs or know where they could be found?


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Subject: RE: Humorous songs
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 02 Mar 02 - 02:03 PM

Don't go in them lions' cage tonight!

Dave Oesterreich


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