Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST,Bassman
Date: 26 Feb 10 - 09:05 PM

Onstage in Atlanta with my quintet, someone yelled from the back of the club, "Do you know any hymns?" I responded pointing to each member of the group, "Sue, I know him..and him...and him..."

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: BobKnight
Date: 26 Feb 10 - 09:37 PM

Some real oldies:
If you're thinking of drinking and driving, don't forget where you left your car.

Don't drink and drive - you'll just spill it going round the corners.

To Heckler - so glad you could come tonight - it's a pity your father did.
To heckler - you'd be a wanker - if only you could get an erection.

To constant requests for a Daniel O'Donnel song - sure, tell me something he's written and I'll do it. More request for a D. O'D song from the same person. Me: Hey you must be a big D O'D fan, I bet you have ALL his CD's at home. On her replying that she had I replied, well why don't you f**k of home and listen to them. Luckily she took it in good humour and laughed - no more requests for Daniel that evening.

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Young Buchan
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 04:53 AM

Friend of mine used to introduce a particular song with 'This song was written in nineteen seventy nine - that's a real bastard of a time signature'

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 08:30 AM

Heard from The Oldham Tinkers " you're the best audience we've ever played against "

Dave H

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: VirginiaTam
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 08:36 AM

In that awkward moment when you are trying to adjust your right breast into the upper curve of your guitar, comment "These things just aren't designed correctly!"

Only did it once, but it elicited remarks from some of the male members of audience and a general laugh all around. Really put me at ease too. I mean I couldn't get any more embarrassed, could I?

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: eddie1
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 08:59 AM

Doesn't always work.
The late Iain McKintosh was an expert at dealing with noisy members of the audience - usually by getting quieter and quieter till other audience members told them to shut up, At one gig, a girl with too much to drink was laying forth and he made some appropriate comment which did shut her up. During the interval he saw her at the bar and apologised for embarrassing her when he was on the stage. "Oh," she said, "were you on the stage?"
Cyril Tawney was doing a gig at Stirling Folk Club when he was disconcerted by the heaving bosom of a young lady in the front row and forgot his words. "Sorry but there's this girl up the front and every time she laughs her tits bounce up and down!" She looked straight at him and said "So do yours!"

Ones that have worked - on return of a toilet visitor, "Could you hear us in there 'cause we could hear you!".
On return of another toilet visitor who made a great point of crouching while getting back to his seat in the front row. "Hey, you're supposed to tuck it in before you zip up!"

Eddie

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: PHJim
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 11:11 AM

Pablo mentioned Robin and Linda Williams. I've heard Linda refer to Robin as,"my current husband."

When there's an awkward pause, or someone has to discuss something with a bandmate, we'll say,"Let us know if we get too slick and professional for you, Folks."

"I tried for years to write a drinking song, but I never made it past the first couple of bars."

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Paul Reade
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 11:56 AM

One of Hamish Imlach's introductions was "I'm a great one for topical songs - this one was topical about a hundred years ago"

I heard that he was once compèring a concert and said "There's absolutely no need to introduce our top of the bill tonight ... because he hasn't turned up!"

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: meself
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 03:17 PM

Yesterday, in the course of a minor difference of opinion, a patron called me an "Irish motherf*cker!" I replied that no one calls ME Irish and gets away with it ....





Okay, just kidding, folks; actually, all I said was, "Now, now, now", in a grandfatherly way. I wasn't quite as worked up as he was.

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: alex s
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 04:54 PM

I knew you'd be trouble when I saw your... (shirt/suit etc)

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST,Captain Swing
Date: 27 Feb 10 - 06:48 PM

This thread should be investigated under the Trades Descriptions Act. There is nothing remotely witty in the content - just the usual age old folk club cliches!

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 28 Feb 10 - 01:57 AM

I once got as round of applause from those who wanted to listen when there was a bar at back of room, by saying, in as pompous tones as possible: "This next song is sung in the key of F#minor: so if those of you at the bar would kindly pitch your conversations in the key of F#minor, it would afford me considerable assistance." Worked that time; but don't think it would work every time, somehow.

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 17 May 10 - 05:02 AM

Hamish Imlach also used to say, ' isn't it the truth what they say about whisky, that it improves with age, the older I get the mair I like it ' [ me too ]


Dave H

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST,MC Fat (at work)
Date: 17 May 10 - 06:11 AM

The great Pierce Butler was fantastic at intro's. At Towersey one the Dransfield Brothers (think it was Robin) approached him and wagging his finger said 'I've heard about you Butler no funny stuff just introduce me'. Pierce went on stage and said 'Now someone who needs little introduction Barry Dransfield's brother'. Priceless !!!!

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST,Dave Hunt
Date: 17 May 10 - 06:47 AM

Why don't you stand near the wall - that's plastered too

Tell me your address - I want to come round tonight and interrupt while you're performing

I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

Well you've made my final appearance a very memorable one

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 May 10 - 08:16 AM

Glad the Oldham Tinkers were mentioned. Their patter often exceeds the ammount of time spent on songs but it is well worth it. Absolute masters of it:-) My favourites - most of 'em but some snippets from much longer tales -

We called our dog Grieg. All he could do were pee agin t'suite.

(Commenting on finding a gravestone by the side of the road) Bloke buried 'ere had a good innings. 195. Feller called Miles from London.

I still laugh...

:D

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: buddhuu
Date: 17 May 10 - 10:40 AM

The Dubliners generally stick to the same patter they've been using for years; and if it works, why mess with it? Still makes me laugh.

A few from Barney:

"This is an Irish solo... There's two of us going to play it."

"This next one's a mandolin duet. It's an Irish duet... There's three of us going to play it."

"For those of you who haven't heard these tunes before... well, this'll be the first time."

"If I speak too fast for you, you'll have to listen to me quicker."


And one I heard John use a few months back:

"We've been going nearly 50 years. As Barney always says, it's too late to stop now."


I recall a couple of gigs when the late Ronnie Drew got a little annoyed when the audience used to murmur along with his well-known anecdotes and gags, kind of like geeky students quoting Monty Python sketches from memory!

Christy Moore and Finbar Furey are also masters of banter and heckler-management.

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Clontarf83
Date: 17 May 10 - 05:20 PM

A band In Dublin: "here's a song that Mick Jagger wrote when he was still alive" (Ruby tuesday)

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST
Date: 17 May 10 - 06:29 PM

Was it Hank Williams who would say after his first song "There ya go, you get your money's worth in the first five minutes, so the rest of the show is free"

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Scorpio
Date: 17 May 10 - 07:38 PM

This song has a chorus - but that's no excuse for joining in and spoiling it!

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Ebbie
Date: 18 May 10 - 12:32 AM

Speaking as an audience member, I do not like heavy handed or mean-spirited responses. (Can you tell I absolutely hate Don Rickles-type humor?) It may shut the heckler up but in my experience it makes the audience uncomfortable. I have come away from a concert like that with a lesser opinion of the musician. I think partly it is because most of us recognize that the heckler is either drunk way past his capacity or he is trying to impress someone he is with. Why ruin his night?

My suggestion: Be honest.    If you are honest about the situation, the chances are good that you will come up with some good one liners. Don't use canned patter- unless it is genuinely funny.

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: buddhuu
Date: 18 May 10 - 04:12 AM

Ebbie's tolerant perspective is admirable. I share it most of the time.

However, also as an audience member, there have been a few times over the years when hecklers have almost ruined a show for me. If the management can't recognise the harm being done and ask the fella to shut it, I'm grateful to a performer with the authority to want to salvage the show for the rest of the audience.

When Finbar Furey's patience runs out I wouldn't want to be the heckler... He'll take a fair bit with good humour, but when things go on to the point of tedium he can shut 'em up with a look.

Some people seem to think the show is a double act between them and the performer to the extent that other audience members are irrelevant.

And rather the artist shut the heckler up with a few choice words than another audience member do it with a belt in the gob. Something else I've seen happen. It never does much for the atmosphere.

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: SPB-Cooperator
Date: 18 May 10 - 04:51 AM

I used to got to the late lamented Players Theatre in London at least once a week, and the exchange of banter particularly between the chairman and the audience was part of the show. And when the opportunity arose, some witty heckling added to the show, but only if it fitted in with the setting of the show - i.e. Victorian Music Hall, and it was kept to a reasonable level - i.e the occasion one-liner that enabled the artiste/chairman to come back with an even wittier reply.

However, there were evening when some heckler did not know when to shut up - corporate block booking were the worst.

The best ever witty stage banter was on a night that I missed. An America visitor quite innocently said, with regards to the theatre restaurant menu:

"My wife had spotted dick for the first time in her life, and she thoroughly enjoyed it!"

My friends who were there said that this prompted the chairman t come up with about 20 minutes of patter making the show finish late. But they couldn't remember a single word the chairman said :(

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 May 10 - 05:15 AM

And rather the artist shut the heckler up with a few choice words than another audience member do it with a belt in the gob.

Or the artist belt someone in the gob! A good friend of our club many years back was a big bloke - Not fat just tall and well proportioned. He used to sing lovely quiet ballads - James Taylors 'Sweet baby James' was a favourite. One night a drunken bloke was standing in the doorway yelling throughout every song 'Give us such-and-such', 'Do you know blahblah' etc. Our singer finished one of his lovely quiet songs. Laid his guitar down, smiled and walked over to the heckler. Shaking the drunkards hand he very gently said 'Fuck off or I will deck you.'

It worked:-)

Cheers

DeG

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 18 May 10 - 07:42 AM

I remember that "Little Geoff" used to encourage hecklers in the audience by beating them at their own game back in the 80s in Somerset. Competiton ensued for the best line.
It got to the point where one night he even got heckled just for being in the audience!

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: alanabit
Date: 18 May 10 - 10:31 AM

I rarely use really rude replies to hecklers, but thirty years of handling all sorts of folk on the streets has necessitated the acquisition of a large repertory of robust responses. The problem is that very few of them - if any - are funny out of context. I recall waking up one morning with about twenty heckler lines coming out all at once. Dirty Fred, the comedy juggler who was staying with me at the time, promptly took out his notebook and wrote them all down. He uses them far more than I do - but he performs in a very different style - and he has the talent to back it up. One line which frequently occurs in his show, which I have rarely used is, "A big mouth does not compensate for a small penis!"
I need a very good reason before I go in that hard. One which more suits my style is, "Doesn't strong beer make a lot of noise when it's rattling around in an empty head?" Another one is to look at a drunk and then say, "Kids, this is why your Mum gives you lemonade." On occasion the confrontational method is justified, but usually the most important thing is to let the audience know that you are playing for all of them.

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST
Date: 18 May 10 - 04:59 PM

When a female heckler shouted out to Pecker Dunne, who was in slight difficulty, "You're drunk" his reply was "Lady, I'll be sober in the morning, but you'll still be ugly"

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: stevewise
Date: 18 May 10 - 05:27 PM

neil innes (of bonzo dog doo-dah band fame) used to do a parody of a 60s singer-songwriter, with acoustic guitar and wearing cheap glasses heavily repaired with tape - his standard introduction was 'I've suffered for my music - now it's your turn'

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Herga Kitty
Date: 18 May 10 - 06:32 PM

Guest's post was a straight steal from Winston Churchill, on the subject of Bessie Braddock MP.

Kitty

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Art Thieme
Date: 18 May 10 - 09:51 PM

Bert is wrong up above!! If you search on my name all that comes up is posts from Martin Gibson.

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Bounty Hound
Date: 19 May 10 - 05:48 AM

When promoting CD sales: 'Our CD comes with the unique Bounty Hounds guarentee, if you don't like it, send it back to us, and we will replace it with a CD we don't like.

During gig: 'We've had a request, but the instruments wouldn't fit, so we are going to sing this song instead'
'We have suffered for our art, now it's your turn'

End of gig: 'Thank you for coming, and thank you even more for staying!'
'You have been the best Saturday night audience we have had this week'

I do a self penned song about 'Black Shuck' the Hell hound of the fens, but said dog's name does not actually appear anywhere in the song, so I make the rest of the band cringe by explaning that when I wrote the song I couldn't find a rhyme with 'Shuck'

(and before I get any suggestions, when we are doing local gigs in East Anglia, it is often pointed out that 'The Darkness' local heavy metal band, also did a song about Black Shuck, and they found a rhyme!)

John

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Bert
Date: 19 May 10 - 05:57 AM

Hey John! how about posting the lyrics for Black Shuck?

Subject: RE: Lyric Added- Eyes of Flame
From: Bounty Hound
Date: 19 May 10 - 09:40 AM

Here you are Bert, just for you.

If you want to hear how I do the song with the 'Hounds' you'll find a version we recorded for the BBC in our myspace player.
http://www.myspace.com/thebountyhounds

EYES OF FLAME


F#m                     A                        F#m                      D
Night time falls across the fen, an evil hound creeps from his pen
A                            E                F#m                D          F#m
With blood chilling yelp and bay, out he goes to find his prey


CHORUS
F#m                D                A                         E      
Eyes of flame, eyes of fire, burning out your life's desire
F#m                        D               A                        E                   D   A    E
Don't cross the fen, if you try, see that dog and you will die


F#m             A                        F#m                         D
All alone the poacher goes, to set his snares where no one knows
A                                  E                   F#m                     D       F#m
Stands like stone when eyes of flame leap out from the misty gloom

F#m                              A                     F#m                        D
A howl and shriek ring through the air, throat ripped open, flesh laid bare
          A                           E                               F#m                      D                F#m
With victim's blood dripping from his jaw, this evil hound creeps back to his lair

F#m               A                   F#m                      D
In the cottage on fen bank, across the field so dark and dank
A                                  E                   F#m                         D               F#m
The scream is heard, a woman cries, tonight she knows, alone she'll lie

F#m                                 A                           F#m                      D
As morning sun streaks across the fen, this woman warns her children
A                        E                      F#m                         D         F#m
Early to be, stay tucked in tight, don't go through the fens at night

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: GUEST,TJ in San Diego
Date: 19 May 10 - 11:23 AM

Bud and Travis, in their first live concert album, left a lot of their stage patter in the final cut. Some is now dated. Some of it seems, in retrospect, a bit sophomoric. Some was manic and some was inspired. During a different performance, I recall Bud retorting to one loudmouth, "Thanks for being a part of the inner circle; as opposed to a large, vulgar crowd." There is one bit where Travis begins to speak of improvising. Bud responds, "We never improvise." What ensues is an argument consisting of two parallel conversations with the audience, each attempting to talk over the other - the vocal equivalent of some sort of manic counterpoint.

My son's band recently responded to some hecklers with a spontaneous verse of "Who Let the Dogs Out?"

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Don Firth
Date: 19 May 10 - 04:43 PM

Happily, I can say that I haven't had to put up with hecklers very often.

On one occasion, in a coffeehouse not far from campus, I was singing a whaling song with a chorus that went "Clear away your running gear and blow ye winds, heigh-ho!" Every time I sang the chorus, a group of frat boys who thought they were very amusing would all blow loudly (spraying a bit of spit when they did so). About the fourth time they did it, Stan James, who owned the place (a heck of a good singer himself) came out, tore up their check, and pointed toward the door. They got up and went, to a splutter of applause from the rest of the folks.

On another occasion, I took the direct approach. There was a guy named Alex who claimed he was an actor, although where he had ever done any acting, nobody knew and he never said. He was full of advice to me about matters of "showmanship," and after I'd finish a set, he'd come up to me and tell me everything I did wrong. One of his bon mots was that sometimes the songs I chose to sing bored him, and it was solely my responsibility to capture his interest.

One evening, apparently, I failed to do that. During my set, he sat at a table with a couple of other people and talked very very loudly. Despite the attentiveness of the rest of the people, I guess I was boring him again, and he was letting me know it. He sounded like he was practicing his stage projection. He as also embarrassing the hell out of the people he was with and on the verge of inciting the rest of the audience to rise up and kill him.

The coffeehouse had a PA system, although it didn't really need one. The aforementioned Stan kept it at a level that gave the performer a slight boost, but it wasn't really intrusive and most of the time not even noticeable.

Alex had blabbed his way through about three of my songs, and I just got fed up. When I reached the end of my next song, I leaned close to the microphone with my mouth about two inches away from it (normally, about two feet in front of me) and said:

"Alex!"

It boomed through the place like the Voice of God. Alex looked up, startled.

"Alex, shut the hell up!!"

The rest of the people burst into applause. Alex looked stunned for moment, then he got up, put on his coat and left, with the rest of the folks still applauding as he went out the door.

Also, I got more than the usual amount of applause at the end of the set.

Never saw Alex again. And somehow I've never missed him.

Don Firth

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Genie
Date: 20 May 10 - 01:19 AM

BeauDangles, the way I've heard that band introduction gag is, "I'd like the band to introduce themselves."
Then, of course, the band members all go around shaking hands with each other and introducing themselves to each other.

John Ross used to run the band scramble at the NW Folklife Festival in Seattle, and that was a running gag that some band would use every year.


There's also the standard patter while tuning instruments: "This is a Chinese folk song. It's called "Tu Ning."

And then you tell the audience, "We take requests - as long as you don't request that we sing "Over The Hill And Far Away."

I usually preface that by saying that I'm glad to take requests: You just write them down on a $20 bill and pass them up here ... "

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Genie
Date: 20 May 10 - 01:44 AM

Young Buchan, a variation on your time signature line that I've heard is,

"This next song was written in 1718, but we're gonna do it in 6/8 time instead."'

Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
From: Bert
Date: 20 May 10 - 03:24 AM

Thanks Bounty Hound I'm going to learn that one.

BTW did you know that in some regions he is called "Old Shuck" and is considered a lucky omen.

Sightings in modern times in Essex and Kent have been attributed (by the news media} to seeing a black panther.