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Seeking your Witty Stage Patter!
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: GUEST,Den Date: 21 Aug 01 - 09:18 AM For the hecklers. Sorry I didn't recognize you right away but its so nice to see you back in mens clothes. More raw meat for table 3. Keep shouting the bouncer's trying to find out where you're sitting. (Billy Connolly if memory serves) I don't talk while you're performing Others I'd like to play some chopin for you now... but I don't know any. If someone gets up to go to the bathroom during one of your songs stop playing and watch them walk there without saying a word till they go through the door then whisper to the audience lets all go and hide. That's all for now, Den |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Liz the Squeak Date: 21 Aug 01 - 12:55 AM Just remember to change it occasionally. I saw a performer twice, with a two year gap and she was doing exactly the same stage patter at both gigs. She'd not changed one word of it in over 2 years. I upset her by telling my mate in the front row the joke that was coming next, before she'd even had time to start it. Hopefully she's changed it a bit. Shame really, because she was actually a bloody good musician, just totally inexperienced at a concert setting. LTS |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Justa Picker Date: 21 Aug 01 - 12:23 AM "And now for a little medley of our hit......" |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: GUEST Date: 20 Aug 01 - 11:13 PM Friends of mine have taken to using a clever bit at the end of their performances - "And now, we have one last song for you..." "The one you've all been waiting for!" Guitar is undustriously being tuned..."Are you ready?" "I'm ready - " "I'm collected!" And the trio launches into a wonderful 10-second burst of music, stops abruptly, and say "Thank you for coming!" |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Jeep man Date: 20 Aug 01 - 10:36 PM We are going to do our last song first. Usually we don't get that far. |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: ChanteyMatt Date: 20 Aug 01 - 06:28 PM When busking, this has always been a favorite of mine: "Your applause is like butter, but we could really use some bread." |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Clinton Hammond Date: 20 Aug 01 - 02:16 PM Foiled by lousy type-ography again... that and the inability to edit my posts... DAMN! |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Clinton Hammond Date: 20 Aug 01 - 02:14 PM "I see you have your patter well rehearsed sir." "No this is something you wouldn't recognise... It's called whit." -Blackadder- ;-) |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Cappuccino Date: 20 Aug 01 - 07:38 AM My wife was once singing in a very poorly-attended folk club in Scotland, and between songs, in an aside which carried across the room, she muttered: "I should have stayed in bed - there were more people there!" - ian B |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Deni Date: 20 Aug 01 - 04:47 AM How's this for an off the cuff one. After an almost-perfest start to an unaccompanied song, followed by a damn-near-but-not-quite perfect ending, Ned turned round to pick up his guitar and I said. We had a bit of a struggle there starting and finishing together. A bit like sex. Thanks god they actually laughed. (I don't know what comes over me sometimes) Deni Mad Rush |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Peter Kasin Date: 14 May 00 - 04:05 PM Whistlestop, that ad-lib about doors was a stroke of pure genius. Until that, the best treatment of hecklers I've heard, was (spoken to a group of college-age men) "Ah, yes, I remember MY first beer!" |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Sourdough Date: 14 May 00 - 12:39 AM Richard Farina was appearing on a television program I was working. He introduced Jelly Roll Blues with a detailed description of a bakers strike in New Orleans in the late 1880s. As the camera dollied in on him, he did this ad lib explanation of how the song is about that strike. As a result of the strike, there were no jelly rolls available in New Orleans for an extended period of time. He did it all deadpan and I don't think that the director or anyone else, except the musicians, knew that he was having them on. Sourdough |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Chicky Date: 13 May 00 - 11:40 PM We played a gig a couple of months ago at a banquet-type thing - the audience just wasn't interested. So we amused ourselves by doing stupid introductions - "This song is about a man's love for his tractor" etc. We do some obscure early music in archaic french or spanish, and generally intro at least one each gig with "Sing along if you know the chorus!" - Chicky
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Pablo Date: 13 May 00 - 11:27 PM Robin and Linda Williams are outstanding in this regard, 'though no examples come quickly to mind (they don't come to NY often enough). |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: keltcgrasshoppper Date: 13 May 00 - 05:26 PM We usually manage to get a laugh or two by picking on our self appionted LEADER. He does make it easy to do however. Each gig of course presents a new set list.. he will talk a little between songs and without fail introduce something that we aren't set up for.. To which we say.. NOT again.. This guy writes set lists and uses them for wall paper. Then we trash him for a min or two.. Always gets a laugh.. Of course it helps that he is my husband and I make sure to let the audience know it.. They get a kick out of "marital strife.".. |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Liz the Squeak Date: 13 May 00 - 03:32 AM Les Barker says, whilst at a concert in Towersey (August Bank Holiday), "I had a request to do this one, in Sidmouth." (a festival four weeks previous......)or 'last year'...... If you're driving home, can I have a lift? King of the Heckler Stompers, Joe Stead commented one night that "when God put teeth in your mouth he ruined a bloody good arsehole!" I have two songs that my father taught me. I introduce them by saying 'here's a song I learnt at my father's knee. We were so poor, we couldn't afford paper, so he wrote it on his knee. It's only a short song, he had very knobbly knees.....' And yes, TerriM will actually BE round the back in half an hour and if she reads this, it will be with a bottle for me!! (sorry Terri........!) LTS
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Wesley S Date: 12 May 00 - 02:41 PM I saw John Renbourn a few weeks ago. After a blues and jazz tune he said "OK - I promise after this you'll get my usual Celtic doom and gloom for the rest of the night" l |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Fortunato Date: 12 May 00 - 02:11 PM "Here's one of the old familiar tunes... that no one's ever heard before." "This next song is one of your favorites... we hope soon it'll be one of ours." First voice: "I want to play my banjo (guitar, etc.) in the worse way." Second voice: " Well, I'm sure you can." "We've had a request...but we're gonna do this next song anyway."
I could go on, but I'm not that cruel. |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Dharmabum Date: 12 May 00 - 01:38 PM Used this one when I was playing in a trio in the eighties. We have tapes for sale, don't forget, Christmas is coming soon and as your sitting around the table sharing Christmas dinner with your family,you'll wish you had something to prop up that wobbly table leg. |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Whistle Stop Date: 12 May 00 - 01:28 PM My favorite witty line was completely unrehearsed. I was playing lead guitar in a rock and roll band in a seedy, off-the-beaten-track bar in western Massachusetts. Two fellows who were drinking heavily and sitting close to the stage were apparently fond of a certain late-1960's band from LA, and kept requesting them by shouting "Doors! Doors!" between every song. After a while I finally stepped up to the microphone, pointed to the exit, and said "Door's over there". It got a laugh, and they actually took me up on it, so it worked out very well. Pretty case-specific, but that's all I've got to offer. |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Tony Burns Date: 12 May 00 - 09:42 AM Jughead (Toronto jugband), when asked for a song they don't know will say that they will play another song that uses a lot of the same notes. |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: GUEST,Zorro Date: 12 May 00 - 07:38 AM Picking with a friend in an after hours club in Corpus Christi, Texas.. There were two very loud young men right in front of us, not listening to anything but each other and they were both LOUD. I had had a couple of beers (or two) and remembered a line from an old Dave Gardner LP. When I finally got their attention I said: "Hey guys, I don't come out to where your working and hide your shovel!" My partner Jake and I both held our breath, but it worked! I heard Doc Watson on a live album in response to a guy making cat calls from the audience; "Yeah, I remember my first beer too, Buddy." Steven Wright's one liners are not offensive or off color and fit well on stage. He has a web site. Hope this helps.. Zorro/Texas |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: InOBU Date: 12 May 00 - 07:22 AM We actually renamed a tune for the sake of luck. It is known as the lilting banshee, or the older name, the miller of glan mire. Every time we would say the Miller of Glan mire, a large group would walk out. It began to happen so often we began to make jokes about it. It was like the Jack Benny movie To Be or Not To Be. We began to make jokes about Glan Mire, so when the party would leave we would appologise and tell the rest of the audience, There goes about seventy per cent of the town of Glan Mire. Then one day, a friend from Wiltshire was sitting in with us and was telling a story about a fellow in his town and he described him as a very Popular Halfwit. It so fit the Miller of Glan mire that we began calling the tune that, and the luck changed. It also provided a great name for a certain mudcatter in Devises - same fellow who was sitting in with us... And Now You Know The Whole Story, as a certain raidio personality used to say... Larry |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Scabby Douglas Date: 12 May 00 - 07:07 AM Hmm.. I get tired of people introducing traditional tunes like "The first one is "The Butterfly", and then "The Mason's Apron"".... So I vary it up by giving them new names: "If Pigs could Fly, you'd Be A Squadron Leader" "The Fast One" "The Slow Tune" "Big Arnie's Blitzed Again" "The Scabby-Heidit Wean" etc.... Cheers M'Dears Steven C |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 12 May 00 - 05:35 AM Yes, stick with Art & the professionals! Most of my corn has been aired on this forum already, like "I've emptied bigger rooms than this" (as people leave), sadly all too true. and one I've never needed: "don't clap too loud it's a very old building" (Archie Rice in John Osborne's The Entertainer. RtS |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Sorcha Date: 12 May 00 - 12:32 AM Loved InOBU's post,,reminds me of the SCA Birthday song: "We love children, yes we do, Boiled or baked or in our stew, Happy Birthday---------(stomp, stomp) to the tune of Volga Boatman........ BR> Others we use----- We take requests, but we don't garuntee to fill them We always get a little applause, and that is little enough See that girl, there, in the second row, the one with the wig? She is my cousin!! (from the 88 yr old gut bucket player) Then we get kicking with "Sure, Herb, sure she is your "cousin", where you from, Louisiana or Arkansas?, etc. |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Peter T. Date: 11 May 00 - 05:17 PM In case you ever get really famous: During the last Beatle concert in Toronto (I was there, yeah!), John Lennon introduced the next song in his most sardonic fashion by shouting as loudly as he could over the hysterical screaming:
"You can't have heard this song before, because we just played it." |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: GUEST Date: 11 May 00 - 05:16 PM "please, buy my CD. They're going to be worth a lot of money when I die, and I haven't been taking very good care of myself lately" |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Songster Bob Date: 11 May 00 - 04:46 PM When tuning, I've been known to say "I've got it surrounded!" I usually get babble-mouth when introducing songs, or so my wife says -- I personally think I'm just full of information and want to impart it to the audience. The wife agrees with the "full of it" part. I've used the "introduce the band" bit, but talk into the mic while saying, "Pete, this is George. George, this is Pete. And I'm Bob!" It accomplished the introduction to the audience while providing a minor change from the usual introduction. Since Sidekicks gigs so little, none of our stage patter is likely to get old as far as the audience is concerned. I try not to have too many introductions that I memorize by rote, though, since those who do remember our last gig (or were warned about us by their parents) will also remember the intros and say "They haven't changed a bit!" And I avoid a couple of real cliches: "We've had many requests, but we're going to play anyway," and "Here's one of your favorites; I hope it's one of ours." That do? If not, try Utah Phillips: "Getting here was a foot, which is to say a 'singular feat.'" Bob Clayton |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Kim C Date: 11 May 00 - 04:25 PM well, I said this the other day in another thread, but when we do Soldier's Joy, I say, this song has also been known as the King's Head... whether the king's head was attached to his body at the time, I don't know. Grand Ole Opry performer Johnny Russell, who is a king-size man, likes to say "Can everybody see me all right?"
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Peter Kasin Date: 11 May 00 - 03:08 PM Here's one for busking: "We play for fun and profit, and so far we've been having alot of fun!" Dick Holdstock of Holdstock and MacLeod was heard telling the audience at a concert, "Oh, no, we forgot to bring the song list again. You know, this was mentioned in a review of our last concert. The reviewer wrote "Holdstock and MacLeod gave another listless performance!" Another from Dick Holdstock, this one specific to sea chanteys, while holding a glass of beer onstage - "They say that chanteys we're sung acapella because you needed both hands free to do the work aboard ship, but I don't believe that. How can you work with both hands and not spill your beer?"
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Bert Date: 11 May 00 - 02:53 PM Just do a forum search for everything that Art Theime has posted. You'll find more than you can ever use. And every one's a winner. |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: TerriM Date: 11 May 00 - 02:43 PM My partner often asks me to introduce a song and I say" Song, this is the audience, audience this is the song" which makes us laugh at least. Also at the end of a gig, in gratitude for our lives, I often say " Thank you for having me,and for those that haven't, I'll be round the back in half an hour!" That probably works best if you're a girl but maybe not :). Terri |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: InOBU Date: 11 May 00 - 11:36 AM We (Sorcha Dorcha) were doing a gig for homelessness. Before we came on, a nice harmless sort of a fellow (not at all the description of our band) sand a sort of Mr. Rodgers song about children, stopping in the middle for a charming if not a bit insipid (no offence if you are reading this mate) talking bit about how Children are Gods Gift to us all... Well, here come Sorcha Dorcha, all dressed in black... our first song, Tom of Bedlam, so, here-s me, with a broken rib from the flu and blood seeping from my nose and mouth, but I am doing this gig anyway... looking grey and deathlike. I say to the worried looking audience... We are going to carry on in that theame of Children... arent they the best? You can hug em, love em teach em stuff... make pies.... My staff has murdered giants My bag a long knife carries to cut mince pies from Childrens thighs with which to feed the faeries Still I sing bonny boys Bonny mad boys Bedlam boys are bonny for they all go bare and live by the air and they want no drink nor money For info on hearing our pater live... |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Wesley S Date: 11 May 00 - 11:00 AM I used to be in a band that had a bass player with a strange sense of humor. When we would take a break he would tell everyone to "Drink up - the third world is starving". That was always good for a blank stare from the crowd. |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: Callie Date: 11 May 00 - 10:35 AM A friend was the MC for a concert. When a heckler called out to him during an introduction, he said "don't you hate it when your mother comes to your gigs?" |
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Subject: RE: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: BeauDangles Date: 11 May 00 - 10:19 AM I played at a contra dance once, when the caller, a friend of mine, said during a break that he wanted to introduce the band. Whereupon he turned around and began introduing us to each other, not to the crowd. That was good for a few laughs. BeauD |
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Subject: Seeking your Witty Stage Patter! From: GUEST,Timbrel Date: 11 May 00 - 07:45 AM One terrific thing about seeing lots of music done live is enjoying the clever, witty little lines people use in their gigs over and over. Now matter how hackneyed, they magically draw a laugh every time. So I was just idly wondering: are there any one-liners, or amusing stories, you regularly use in your introductions, song intros, "time-to-take-abreak" announcements, "thanks-for-coming" spiels, and the like? I know there's no shortage of humor around here...! |
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