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BS: A joke to share

Petr 30 May 00 - 08:56 PM
Abby Sale 30 May 00 - 08:29 PM
Wincing Devil 30 May 00 - 12:44 PM
Jim Dixon 30 May 00 - 11:59 AM
Steve Latimer 30 May 00 - 10:22 AM
GUEST,Hilary NZ 30 May 00 - 09:00 AM
Peter Kasin 30 May 00 - 12:49 AM
darkriver 29 May 00 - 11:09 PM
kendall 29 May 00 - 02:42 PM
Peter Kasin 29 May 00 - 02:56 AM
kendall 28 May 00 - 12:45 PM
leprechaun 27 May 00 - 02:20 PM
GUEST,belter 27 May 00 - 11:50 AM
bflat 26 May 00 - 10:11 PM
Mooh 26 May 00 - 09:11 PM
MK 26 May 00 - 08:28 PM
Amergin 26 May 00 - 01:51 PM
GUEST,me 26 May 00 - 01:45 PM
GUEST,Den at work 26 May 00 - 01:22 PM
Metchosin 26 May 00 - 12:15 PM
Mooh 26 May 00 - 09:36 AM
MK 26 May 00 - 08:56 AM
kendall 26 May 00 - 08:38 AM
GUEST,Hilary 26 May 00 - 08:15 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 26 May 00 - 06:48 AM
darkriver 26 May 00 - 04:01 AM
GUEST,Slider 26 May 00 - 03:23 AM
MudGuard 26 May 00 - 02:53 AM
Bill D 26 May 00 - 12:00 AM
Bill D 25 May 00 - 11:49 PM
kendall 25 May 00 - 10:53 PM
bflat 25 May 00 - 10:18 PM
GUEST,Bill H 25 May 00 - 07:17 PM
catspaw49 25 May 00 - 05:41 PM
GUEST,wurkman 25 May 00 - 05:29 PM
catspaw49 25 May 00 - 11:56 AM
Wesley S 24 May 00 - 01:12 PM
GUEST,Steve Latimer 24 May 00 - 12:46 PM
GUEST,Steve Latimer 24 May 00 - 12:23 PM
kendall 24 May 00 - 12:18 PM
GUEST,Steve Latimer 24 May 00 - 11:54 AM
Bert 24 May 00 - 11:35 AM
GUEST,me 24 May 00 - 11:25 AM
kendall 24 May 00 - 11:02 AM
GUEST,Hilary NZ 24 May 00 - 07:23 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 24 May 00 - 05:42 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 24 May 00 - 03:52 AM
Petr 23 May 00 - 08:47 PM
Jeri 23 May 00 - 07:15 PM
GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter 23 May 00 - 05:31 PM

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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Petr
Date: 30 May 00 - 08:56 PM

Whats green and smell like red paint?

... . .. .. Green Paint. Petr


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Abby Sale
Date: 30 May 00 - 08:29 PM

At the Newfoundland site, I find some local history:

Seems they sometimes make preparations for wakes a bit early.  A husband had been ill for several years and the doctor found the patient in a much weekened condition and remarked to the wife that her husband would probably die that day.

She got a big pot of soup going and about 10 o'clock at night made a visit upstairs. The first thing her poor husband had to say was, "Mary dat soup smells good, I'd like a drop."

Wife: "Ah Pat b'y, can't ya be more considerate? I'm saving that soup fer d'wake."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Wincing Devil
Date: 30 May 00 - 12:44 PM

There were these two gents in a pub one night. One turns to the other and says:
"I'm proud to be Irish!"
The other chap says "I'm Irish too! Where are you from?"
"County Kildare!"
"County Kildare? I'm from County kildare as well!! Where did you go to school?"
"St Mary's Academy"
"St Mary's Academy? I went to St Mary's Academy too! When did you graduate?"
"1973"
"1973? I graduated in 1973 as well!"

At this point, the bartender turns to another patron and says:
"It's gonna be a long night, the O'Reilly twins are drunk again!"


Wincing_Devil
If Cats could talk, they would remind us that their ancestors ate ours


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 May 00 - 11:59 AM

A lawyer met a beautiful woman, and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together, and in the morning before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment".

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat; and
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that
1. It had been previously occupied;
2. There wasn't any heat; and
3. It was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately sent back the following reply:

"Dear Sir:
I insist on being paid the full amount agreed upon, because:
1. I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely;
2. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on; and
3. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 30 May 00 - 10:22 AM

RiB,

I'm getting a lot of mileage from your Barry Manilow joke, it's a beauty.

Steve


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Hilary NZ
Date: 30 May 00 - 09:00 AM

I always thought the small plane (mine is a hellicopter) crashing in a graveyard joke was an Irish one. Are we not allowed to tell Irish jokes on a trad music website??


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 30 May 00 - 12:49 AM

Definition of Khakis:

They are what you need to unlock and start your vehicle in Maine.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: darkriver
Date: 29 May 00 - 11:09 PM

Polish Air Disaster

Warsaw (UPI)--Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 29 May 00 - 02:42 PM

this is typical of Maine humor..dry and subtle. It requires more than a teaspoon full of brains to get it.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 29 May 00 - 02:56 AM

Kendall, that was brilliant! I'm going to Maine in a week. I have a friend there who, even though he's a native "Maineiac," would get a kick out of the joke. Thanks for posting that.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 28 May 00 - 12:45 PM

A young man from Maine went off to Oxford in England to get educated. He came from a poor family but managed to scrape enough money to go. His father, a laborer, not easily impressed, (a reverse snob actually) got a letter from his son. In it, was a photo of the boy who had grown a mustache and beard. The boy wrote, "How do you like my mustache and beard? my friends tell me I look like a count." the old man says to his wife, "Look at this, he's in college and still cant spell."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: leprechaun
Date: 27 May 00 - 02:20 PM

Dyslexics Untie!

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the jungle?


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,belter
Date: 27 May 00 - 11:50 AM

Well Bodran players tend to be a strange lot. They baby their drums. Some like to moisen the skin with beer, sometimes even a particular kind of beer. Others have special creams or losions they use to moisen the bodran skin. Still others insist, "No, no, no, no, only distilled water must ever be used to wet the skin. Anything else will contaminate it."

And then there was the Irish duo I saw a while back who explained that they had started storing stuff like strings and picks in the bodran and it was too much trouble to unpack it all before every show, and repack it after every show. So one of them grabs a cardboard box and starts druming on it. It sounded much like the bodrans that get treated with kid gloves.

True story I swear.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bflat
Date: 26 May 00 - 10:11 PM

So the pilots of LOT Polish airlines bring the plane to a screeching halt on the edge of the runway. All the passagers are jolted by the abrupt stop. The co-pilot turns to the captain and say," my that was a short runway." The captain replys, "Hey, but did you see how wide it is!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Mooh
Date: 26 May 00 - 09:11 PM

Sheesh,

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac (how's that for a mouthful of disfunction?) who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog?

Going for another beer, Mooh.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MK
Date: 26 May 00 - 08:28 PM

The Italian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine.
The Scot says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch.
The Swede says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.
The Russian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.
The German says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer.
The Greek says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.
The Jew says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Amergin
Date: 26 May 00 - 01:51 PM

Well, here goes:

There was this Irishman sitting at the bar. Three drunken Englishmen were sitting behind him at a table, making jokes about him and laughing uproariously. One of them gets up and says, "Watch this, I'm going to pick a fight with that bastard." He walks over to the Irishman and says,"You know Saint Patrick was a faggot."

The Irishman looks at him and says, "Oh, really? I didn't know that." and goes back to his drink.

The Englishman goes back to his table and tells his buddies, "My God, this guy is unfazable, you can't piss him off."

One of his buddies gets up and says, "You just didn't do it right. Watch this." He goes up to the bar and says to the Irishman, "You know Saint Patrick was a cross dressing faggot."

The guy just looks at him and says, "Oh really? Huh, I didn't know that." and goes back to his drink.

The second Englishman walks back to the table in shock and says, "You're right, there is nothing that can piss this guy off."

The third Englishman gets up and says, "Time to let an experienced fellow to do the job. Watch this." He walks up to the bar and says to the Irishman, "You know, Saint Patrick was an Englishman."

The guy just looks at him and says, "Yeah, I know. That's what your buddies were telling me."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,me
Date: 26 May 00 - 01:45 PM

okay, the theme is judeo-xtianity...

a prominant jewish businessman send his oldest son on a trip to jerusalem, while there the boy converts to xtianity.

the man is aghast and goes to his rabbi for advice. the rabbi tells him that he'd sent his son to jerusalem and he converted to xtianity, so he doesn't have an answer and suggests prayer.

so, the man prays, and a voice from heaven says... y'know its funny, i sent MY son to jerusalem and he converted to xtianity, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Den at work
Date: 26 May 00 - 01:22 PM

Rick that was brilliant. I've been trying to track down my friend Iain MacLeod for the last 10 minutes he'll cry when he hears it. Steve I still have tears coming down my cheeks. I had to leave the office a couple of my co-workers thought I had received bad news from home until I explained. Anyway here is my humble contribution.

Two old couples are in the pub having a chat. One old fella says to the other, "tell me Paddy how is the memory these days." "Oh its grand" says Paddy. "I went to a clinic last week and they taught me all manner of things to help me remember, like word association," he says, "it works like a charm." "What was the name of the clinic?" says his friend, Paddy pauses for a minute and then says, "whats the name of that flower with the thorny stem." "Rose", says his pal. "Thats it", says Paddy turning to the wife, "hey Rose what was the name of that clinic I was at last week."

One more. The Pope and Ian Paisley are travelling in a train with a beautiful young woman sitting between them. The train goes into a tunnel and there is a kissing sound and then a loud slap. When it emerges from the tunnel the Pope is holding his face and thinks to himself, "that bastard Paisley must have kissed that young woman and she thought it was me." The young woman thinks, "the pope must have kissed Paisley thinking it was me". And Paisley thinks, "I'm going to wait untill the train goes into another tunnel, make a loud kissing noise and smack the Pope up the side of the head again. Den


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Metchosin
Date: 26 May 00 - 12:15 PM

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'.
Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"

"And then?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Mooh
Date: 26 May 00 - 09:36 AM

Guest Hilary, another brown joke...

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.

(Monty Python I think.) Mooh.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MK
Date: 26 May 00 - 08:56 AM

Q. What do you get if your cross a Pakastani with a Jew?

A. A security guard who thinks he owns the place.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 26 May 00 - 08:38 AM

one of my favorites is clean. (sorry Spaw)

What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a calculator?

Harry Reasoner. Hilary, thats a good one, and new to me..


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Hilary
Date: 26 May 00 - 08:15 AM

O.K I can't resist any more...

q. what do you get if you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?

a. a cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth

AND - no one has done the best joke in the world, which actually has to be told rather than read, but it is my duty to tell anyone who doesn't know....

q. what is brown and sticky?

a. a stick


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 26 May 00 - 06:48 AM

So, any way, there I was , a callow youth from Birmingham, ariving back at University in C******. Rucsac on back and a suitcase in each hand, walking to my digs in a rough neighbourhood some way from from the station. Saw local lass crying.
"Ey Up ower kid.What's the matter?" asked the would-be Galahad.
"I'm frightened to go down that dark road in case I get assaulted by a strange man." she says.
"Never fear" replied the young gallant, "you can walk with me."
Half way down the dark lane she started blarting** again.
"Now what's the matter?"
"I've just realised you're a strange* man." she replied.
Says I, exasperated,"How could I assault you, I've a suitcase in each hand."
"Well," she replies, shyly, "I could hold one of those for you."
*but not as strange as he was to become!
**crying
RtS (Frankie Howerd told it better, but I do the accents!)


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: darkriver
Date: 26 May 00 - 04:01 AM

This one's for Catspaw:

A lawyer goes into a bar after work one evening. While he's sipping his scotch, a prostitute comes over, leans on him, and whispers in his ear: "I'll do anything you ask for a hundred dollars!"

Without missing a beat, the lawyer whispers back: "Paint my house."

Doug aka darkriver


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Slider
Date: 26 May 00 - 03:23 AM

Q: What goes "clippty clop,clippty clop,BANG,BANG,clippty clop"? A: An Amish drive-by shooting.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MudGuard
Date: 26 May 00 - 02:53 AM

There's the man who has this terrible headache which starts at the front, spreads to the sides and then to the top of the head. He goes to a doctor and explains his terrible headache, starting at the front, spreading to the sides and then to the top of the head. The doctor does every possible check like computer tomography, blood pressure and so on. He can't find a reason for the headache.

So the man tries a second, a third, a fourth doctor, none of them can help him get rid of his terrible headache, starting at the front, spreading to the sides and then to the top of the head. The fifth doctor also checks the man, and after a while he says: "There is only one way to cure a terrible headache, starting at the front, spreading to the sides and then to the top of the head. I'm sorry but I can only cure it if I remove your balls!" Of course, the man protests.

But the headache continues, and no drug is able to help with the pain. So after a few days he goes back to the fifth doctor and has his balls removed. After the operation the headache vanished.

After the man is released from hospital, he wants to buy himself a new suit as a sort of recompensation for his lost balls. So he goes to a taylor. While the taylor is measuring the man, he asks whether the man wears his dick to the left or to the right. The man answers he doesn't care as it does not make any difference.

The taylor replies: "Oh, but it makes a big difference! If you wear it on the wrong side, you might get this terrible headache, starting at the front, spreading to the sides and then to the top of the head!!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Bill D
Date: 26 May 00 - 12:00 AM

A guy carrying a brown paper bag goes into a bar and orders a drink
The bartender smiles, pours the drink and then, unable to contain his curiosity, says, "So, what's in the bag?"

The man gives a little laugh and says, "You wanna see? Sure you can see what's in the bag," and he reaches in and pulls out a tiny piano, no more than six inches tall.

"What's that?" asks the bartender. The man doesn't say anything he just reaches into the bag a second time and pulls out a tiny man, about a foot tall, and sits him down next to the piano.

"Wow," says the bartender, absolutely astonished. "I've never in my life seen anything like that."

The little man begins to play Chopin. "Holy cow," says the bartender, "where did you ever get him?"

The man sighs and says, "Well you see, I found this magic lamp and it has a genie in it. He can grant you anything you want but only gives one wish."

The bartender scowls, "Oh, yeah, sure. Who are you trying to kid?"

"You don't believe me?" says the man, somewhat offended. He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a a silver lamp with an ornate curved handle.

"Here it is. Here's the lamp with the genie in it. Go ahead and rub it if you don't believe me."

So the bartender pulls the lamp over to his side of the counter and,looking at the man skeptically, rubs the lamp. And then POOF, a genie appears over the bar, bows to the bartender and says, "Sire, your wish is my command. I shall grant thee one wish and one wish only."

The bartender gasps but quickly gains his composure and says, "Okay, okay, give me a million bucks!" The genie waves his wand and all of a sudden the room is filled with myriads of quacking ducks. They're all over the place, making a terrible noise: Quack, quack, quack!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Hey! What's the matter with this genie? I asked for a million bucks and I get a million ducks. Is he deaf or something?"

The man looks at him and replies, "Well, do you really think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Bill D
Date: 25 May 00 - 11:49 PM

What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?

A blonde driving through a flashing red light.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 25 May 00 - 10:53 PM

She wont get under me, 'til I get over you


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bflat
Date: 25 May 00 - 10:18 PM

The following song titles are jokes in themselves:

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone

If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

and the Austin Lounge Lizzard's "Shallow End Of The Gene Pool"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Bill H
Date: 25 May 00 - 07:17 PM

Not original: Mae West quote upon having a reporter show up for an interview: "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

BaBooom

Bill H


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 May 00 - 05:41 PM

......uh, so what's with all the wacky shit?

Same joke, different punch line:

Scotsman says, "See? I tol' ya' he couldn't play 'em."
Octopus owner says, "Just wait. As soon as he's done fuckin' 'em, he'll play you the most teary-eyed rendition of Amazing Grace you've ever heard."

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,wurkman
Date: 25 May 00 - 05:29 PM

A man goes into a pub carrying an octopus. He sets the octopus down on a bar stool and announces to the assembled company: ŒSee this octopus? He is the most brilliant musician. He can play any instrument you¹d like to give him.¹

A customer steps forward with an electric guitar and hands it to the octopus. The octopus eyes the instrument with professional approval then plays a series of fantastically slick blues riffs. Everyone is amazed.

Another customer gives the octopus a trumpet. The octopus plays a whole lot of jazz scales, then launches into a few Dizzy Gillespie numbers. Everyone applauds and cheers.

Then a Scotsman steps forward with a set of Highland pipes. The octopus turns the pipes over this way and that, looking rather puzzled.

ŒY¹see,¹ crows the Scotsman. ŒAh knew ye wouldna be able to play it.¹

ŒPlay it?¹ says the octopus. ŒI¹m not going to play it. As soon as I can work out how to get its pyjamas off I¹m gonna fuck its brains out.¹


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 May 00 - 11:56 AM

Some really awful (read:great) jokes on this thread. I can't remember jokes to save my ass for some reason. Maybe if I had a reason to save my ass I'd remember more. Anyway, thanks for the laughs and the groans. Here's a groaner...one of the few I can remember.........

After 25 years on the same route, the postman is retiring and today will be his last deliveries. The folks on his route had decided to do something nice for him, but couldn't think of anything and decided it best to let each resident decide for themselves. The letter carrier arrives at the first house and the old lady tells him what a friend he's been over the years and how much she has appreciated his happiness when she received letters from her son and his empathy when she received bad news too. She gave him a beautiful card with a hundred dollar bill inside. The postman was embarrassed and could only stammer his thanks.

At the next house, a similar scene ensued with the couple who lived there giving him a trip to Jamaica for him and his wife. Again the postman was completely taken aback. The next home brought him an expensive watch while others had gift certificates, more money, and other expensive gifts. As he approached the last house, occupied by a young couple who had only recently moved to the neighborhood, he was weighed down as he had never been with the mail. He took the two letters and put them in this last mailbox for the last time and turned to go. Suddenly the door opened and the beautiful young wife wearing a sheer negligee called to him. He turned with his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide. She asked him to come in and put down his bag. He tried to explain that he couldn't do that, but the lovely young woman insisted. He finally complied. As soon as he put his bag down, she grabbed him by the hand and took him into the bedroom where she proceeded to give him the greatest fuck he'd ever had. He dressed and walked back to the living room, but the naked young lass followed him and said, "NO-NO-NO....You can't leave yet. Come into the kitchen and have some coffee." The postman told her he really didn't want any, but again, she insisted. Sitting at the table with the coffee in front of him, the still nude woman suddenly said, "HEY...How about a piece of cake?" He'd given up arguing with her so he said thanks as she placed the slice in front of him. When he had finished, they walked to the door and he picked up his bag. But before he could leave, he HAD to ask and said, "Ya' know everyone has given me wonderful things today...Money, watches, trips, jewelery, gift certificates,..all kinds of glorious things, but NO ONE did ANYTHING like you did......and I have to ask you about it.......I mean, like, uh.....why did, er, uh.......ummmm...." He couldn't think of any more words. She said simply, "Oh...That?....Well, my husband and I discussed it last night and it was kinda' HIS decision."

"WHAT?" asked the postman. "You mean he gave his permission for this?" He was startled to say the least. "Oh sure, " she said. "Last night I asked him what we should give you today and he said, 'Fuck him! Give him a cup of coffee.'..........Now the cake was my idea!"

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Wesley S
Date: 24 May 00 - 01:12 PM

Three Buddists die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St Peter who says they are welcome to come into heaven but they have to be able to relate the meaning of Easter in order to get inside.

The first Buddist says - I know all about Easter. That's when you get the whole family together to watch football and you eat a big bird. St Peter replies - I'm sorry you're wrong - that's Thanksgiving.

The second Buddist says - I know all about Easter. That's when you get the whole family together to watch football, you eat a big bird and you open presents. St Peter replies - I'm sorry you're wrong - thats Christmas.

The third Buddist says - I know all about Easter. That's when Christ died for our sins. They nailed him to a cross and they buried him in a tomb. Three days later He rose from the dead. Then He walked out of His tomb, saw His shadow, and we get six more weeks of winter.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Steve Latimer
Date: 24 May 00 - 12:46 PM

Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!" "Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck. "Yeah, but I mean -- you can TALK!" says the barman. "Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please." Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area. "Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint." And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager.

The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. "You should get it into your circus," he says. "You could make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it." Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. Barman says, "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily." "Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?" "That's right." "That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?" "Yeah!" "That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck. "Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen." The duck looked very puzzled. "What would he want with a plasterer?"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Steve Latimer
Date: 24 May 00 - 12:23 PM

In a crowded bar a loudmouth says "All Lawyers are Assholes." A guy at the end of the bar says "hey, I take exception to that." The loudmouth asks, "are you a lawyer?" The guy replies "no, I'm an asshole."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 24 May 00 - 12:18 PM

A man was standing in line to enter heaven. Suddenly, he sees a drug dealer, a thief and a politician ahead of him. The line moved up, and when he got to the gate, he saw a group of people off to the side weeping and wailing. When he got to St. Peter, he said "What is going on here? I see drug dealers thieves and other undesirables entering, and whats that group over there crying about?" St. Peter says "Oh, that bunch ? they are the poor saps who thought we keep records!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Steve Latimer
Date: 24 May 00 - 11:54 AM

This one takes a while, but is one of my all time favourites.

A guy walks into a bar and sees two beautiful young women sitting very close to each other in a booth. He has a few drinks, notices that they seem to be eyeing him so he goes over and asks if he can join them. They warmly welcome him, have a few more drinks and are getting along wonderfully. The bar closes and he asks if they'd like to go back to his place, to which they say they'd love to. As they get up out of the booth he realizes that they're siamese twins joined at the hip. Undaunted, he takes them back to his house, they have a few more drinks and are getting along royally. He finally invites them to 'Go Upstairs'. They say they'd love to and they all get naked and jump into bed. While he's having intercourse with one, the other is glancing around the room and notices a trombone. "Do you mind if I play your trombone?" she asks. "By all means' he replies. He continues doing his business with the one while the other plays "Tra la la boom de ay" on the trombone. He then switches partners, the one who is no longer occupied looks around the room and asks "are those juggling pins, can I use them"? "Sure" he says. He continues having wonderful sex with her sister as she juggles.

The next day the girls are talking. The one says "I had a great time last night, he was a really good guy. Do you think we should call him?

To which the other says "gee, do you think he'll remember us?"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Bert
Date: 24 May 00 - 11:35 AM

No.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,me
Date: 24 May 00 - 11:25 AM

okay, okay, you're in for it now...

three men die and end up at peter's desk at the pearly gates...

peter asks the first man... "were you always faithful to your wife?" when the man answers affirmatively, peter tells him that during his stay in heaven, he will receive a brand spankin' new mercedes each and every year of his stay, and bids him enter.

peter asks the second man the same question and is told that the man was unfaithful only once. peter advises the man that during his stay in heaven, he will receive a brand spankin' new ford every year.

when the third man is asked the question, he tells peter that he was entirely unfaithful to his wife at every opportunity. peter checks his book and finds that the man was otherwise decent and kind, and advises him that he will receive a beat up old bicycle, and to take good care of it, 'cause there ain't no more. the man breathes a sigh of relief and goes into heaven.

a month later the bike guy sees the mercedes guy stopped at an intersection weeping inconsoliably. so he pedals up to him and asks his major malfunction... after all, he's in heaven, gets a new car each year, and so on....

the man looks up and says... "i just saw my wife go by on roller skates."

did i spell "inconsoliably" correctly?


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 24 May 00 - 11:02 AM

Petr that is a screem..hadnt heard this one before


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Hilary NZ
Date: 24 May 00 - 07:23 AM

poor old bodhran players. To go back to the original thread - I play the bodhran and I laugh loudest at those jokes. the only survivors will be rats, cockroaches and those with a sense of humour. Now... no-one has got at unaccompanied singers yet - can you tell me why they are always standing out on the pavement (sidewalk for the US)? well... they can never find the key and when they do they can never come in at the right time. (yes - i sing unaccompanied)


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 24 May 00 - 05:42 AM

...and then there were the tourists at a famous French cathedral who heard the bells ringing. Looking into the bell tower they could see no-one there but a plastic box was tied to the bell rope. They looked inside: there were two ham sandwiches, a packet of biscuits and an apple. The reported this to the verger who reassured them it wasn't a ghost, just the lunchpack of Notre Dame>
RtS (exits doing bad Charles Laughton impression [but sounding more like a bad TonyHancock impression] "The bells, Esmeralda, Mr Christian I'll see you hang from the highest yardarmin the British Navy".)
:oD


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 24 May 00 - 03:52 AM

OK, I give in, here's another Heaven joke:
Pope dies & goes to Heaven.
"What do you want to do?" asks St Peter.
"I'd like to read all your sacred texts" asks the Pope>
He goes into Heaven's reading room and starts reading. Later St Peter finds him crying.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
Pope replies through the sobs: "It says 'celebr not celibate"!
RtS
:oD


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Petr
Date: 23 May 00 - 08:47 PM

There has been a hostage taking incident at the airport. The terrorists took 100 Bodhran players hostage and were going to start releasing one every hour unless they got a million dollars. Petr.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Jeri
Date: 23 May 00 - 07:15 PM

Guy walks into a pub furtively clutching a mysterious paper sack. He very carefully sets the sack down and orders a pint. Several regulars at the other end of the bar begin whispering and pointing at the sack. One regular steps away from the group and approaches the man. "So, I hope you don't mind me asking, but we're a bit concerned. Would you tell me what's in the sack?" "Well," says sack-man, "it's a bomb." "Thank goodness," says the regular, "we thought it might have been a bodhran!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter
Date: 23 May 00 - 05:31 PM

A friend of mine told me about the time he left his bodhran unlocked in the backseat of his car at a festival. He realized his mistake, ran back to the parking lot as fast as he could.......but alas, it was too late.

Some one left 3 more drums next to his!
Rich


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