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BS: A joke to share

GUEST,Roger in Baltimore 20 May 00 - 11:40 AM
mactheturk 20 May 00 - 12:15 PM
paddymac 20 May 00 - 01:13 PM
mactheturk 20 May 00 - 01:56 PM
Rick Fielding 20 May 00 - 02:36 PM
GUEST,Roger in Baltimore 20 May 00 - 03:24 PM
Rick Fielding 20 May 00 - 03:39 PM
zander (inactive) 20 May 00 - 03:45 PM
Jon Freeman 20 May 00 - 03:57 PM
Rick Fielding 20 May 00 - 04:07 PM
MK 20 May 00 - 05:11 PM
Mooh 20 May 00 - 05:58 PM
Mooh 20 May 00 - 06:02 PM
Abby Sale 20 May 00 - 10:46 PM
Rick Fielding 20 May 00 - 11:32 PM
paddyc 20 May 00 - 11:39 PM
GUEST,Embarassed 21 May 00 - 01:29 AM
Jeri 21 May 00 - 09:48 AM
GUEST,Roger in Baltimore 21 May 00 - 09:51 AM
bbelle 21 May 00 - 10:44 AM
kendall 21 May 00 - 12:36 PM
MK 21 May 00 - 12:51 PM
bbelle 21 May 00 - 01:00 PM
GUEST,Tasteless 21 May 00 - 01:00 PM
bbelle 21 May 00 - 01:17 PM
Jeri 21 May 00 - 01:43 PM
bbelle 21 May 00 - 01:53 PM
Micca 21 May 00 - 02:19 PM
kendall 21 May 00 - 05:45 PM
GUEST,poobah891 21 May 00 - 08:20 PM
GUEST 21 May 00 - 08:35 PM
Chocolate Pi 21 May 00 - 09:55 PM
Rick Fielding 21 May 00 - 10:13 PM
bbelle 21 May 00 - 10:30 PM
MK 21 May 00 - 10:48 PM
Chanteyranger 21 May 00 - 11:18 PM
bbelle 21 May 00 - 11:30 PM
paddymac 22 May 00 - 12:37 AM
Melani 22 May 00 - 12:55 AM
kendall 22 May 00 - 06:55 AM
GUEST 22 May 00 - 07:49 AM
GUEST,Mrr 22 May 00 - 11:19 AM
Midchuck 22 May 00 - 12:57 PM
BlueJay 22 May 00 - 03:06 PM
catspaw49 22 May 00 - 04:27 PM
GUEST,Christine 22 May 00 - 04:37 PM
MK 22 May 00 - 04:59 PM
Chanteyranger 23 May 00 - 02:00 AM
kendall 23 May 00 - 08:34 AM
GUEST,me 23 May 00 - 10:10 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 23 May 00 - 10:36 AM
Midchuck 23 May 00 - 01:00 PM
Songster Bob 23 May 00 - 01:50 PM
GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter 23 May 00 - 05:31 PM
Jeri 23 May 00 - 07:15 PM
Petr 23 May 00 - 08:47 PM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 24 May 00 - 03:52 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 24 May 00 - 05:42 AM
GUEST,Hilary NZ 24 May 00 - 07:23 AM
kendall 24 May 00 - 11:02 AM
GUEST,me 24 May 00 - 11:25 AM
Bert 24 May 00 - 11:35 AM
GUEST,Steve Latimer 24 May 00 - 11:54 AM
kendall 24 May 00 - 12:18 PM
GUEST,Steve Latimer 24 May 00 - 12:23 PM
GUEST,Steve Latimer 24 May 00 - 12:46 PM
Wesley S 24 May 00 - 01:12 PM
catspaw49 25 May 00 - 11:56 AM
GUEST,wurkman 25 May 00 - 05:29 PM
catspaw49 25 May 00 - 05:41 PM
GUEST,Bill H 25 May 00 - 07:17 PM
bflat 25 May 00 - 10:18 PM
kendall 25 May 00 - 10:53 PM
Bill D 25 May 00 - 11:49 PM
Bill D 26 May 00 - 12:00 AM
MudGuard 26 May 00 - 02:53 AM
GUEST,Slider 26 May 00 - 03:23 AM
darkriver 26 May 00 - 04:01 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 26 May 00 - 06:48 AM
GUEST,Hilary 26 May 00 - 08:15 AM
kendall 26 May 00 - 08:38 AM
MK 26 May 00 - 08:56 AM
Mooh 26 May 00 - 09:36 AM
Metchosin 26 May 00 - 12:15 PM
GUEST,Den at work 26 May 00 - 01:22 PM
GUEST,me 26 May 00 - 01:45 PM
Amergin 26 May 00 - 01:51 PM
MK 26 May 00 - 08:28 PM
Mooh 26 May 00 - 09:11 PM
bflat 26 May 00 - 10:11 PM
GUEST,belter 27 May 00 - 11:50 AM
leprechaun 27 May 00 - 02:20 PM
kendall 28 May 00 - 12:45 PM
Chanteyranger 29 May 00 - 02:56 AM
kendall 29 May 00 - 02:42 PM
darkriver 29 May 00 - 11:09 PM
Chanteyranger 30 May 00 - 12:49 AM
GUEST,Hilary NZ 30 May 00 - 09:00 AM
Steve Latimer 30 May 00 - 10:22 AM
Jim Dixon 30 May 00 - 11:59 AM
Wincing Devil 30 May 00 - 12:44 PM
Abby Sale 30 May 00 - 08:29 PM
Petr 30 May 00 - 08:56 PM

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Subject: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Roger in Baltimore
Date: 20 May 00 - 11:40 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


I saw Michael Smith last night, the uncommon singer-songwriter with the most common name. It was a magical evening for me. I could not resist passing on this joke he told from the stage.

Sam has written a song and he wants to record it. He thinks it's a potential hit. He doesn't have much money so he goes to Cheapo Records to make the CD. He finds the studio in a questionable part of town and up two flights of rickety stairs.

He talks to the "Producer" who seems to be an especially greasy character. Sam is assured that Cheapo Records can make him an excellent CD.

Producer: "First we'll get Previn to conduct the session."

Sam: "Andre Previn?"

Prod: "No, Stanislav Previn. He's a cousin of mine. But he can conduct. His timing is off occasionally, but he's pretty good. Besides that, he's a nice guy, I think you'll like working with him. And he works real cheap."

"We'll get Mc Cartney for bass."

Sam: "Paul Mc Cartney?"

Prod: "No, Sam Mc Cartney. He's played for me before. His intonation is a little off and he sometimes misses a beat. But he's a great guy and I'm sure you'll be happy working with him. And he works for peanuts."

"We'll get Clapton for guitar."

Sam: "Eric Clapton?"

Prod: "No, Sam Clapton. He only plays part-time. He's a plumber by day and a guitar player by night. Sometimes he's a little out of tune and he tends to break strings, but he's a nice guy. You're going to like working with him and he doesn't charge much."

"We'll get Manilow to do back up vocals."

Sam: "Barry Manilow?"

Prod: "Yeah, Barry Manilow."



This is one of those jokes that separates your audience by taste.

Enjoy!!!!

Roger in Baltimore (on yet another phantom computer)


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: mactheturk
Date: 20 May 00 - 12:15 PM

A struggling Folksinger went to a doctor and reported on his condition, saying, "Doc, I can't go to the bathroom."

Writing out a prescription, the doctor said, "These pills will do the job."

The Folksinger left but returned a week later. "Doctor, I still haven't gone to the bathroom."

The doctor wrote a second prescription. "These are stronger. The should do the trick."

A week later the Folksinger came back, still with bad news. The doctor looked at him and said,"What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a folksinger."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" With that, the doctor wrote out another prescription....FOR FOOD !!


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: paddymac
Date: 20 May 00 - 01:13 PM

Well, I had a mind to "tell" a riotous joke I heard a few days ago, but I don't want to be the one to drag this lovely thread to the gutter so soon.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: mactheturk
Date: 20 May 00 - 01:56 PM

It was the Irish who invented the bagpipe. A couple years later, they gave it to the Scots and told them it was a musical instrument...

sorry...clean, music jokes are tough...


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 20 May 00 - 02:36 PM

Great joke Rog. Had a long talk with someone a few days ago about why some folks don't think this kind of joke is funny. I used my prime example of "musician's humour":

Guy goes to a bar, gets into a great conversation about nuclear physics with another guy....says: "Hey, you are REALLY smart, what's yer IQ"? "200" say the guy.

Same guy gets into another conversation with someone else about philosophy. "Geez yer pretty smart" he says, "what's YOUR IQ"? "Oh, about 150" says the guy.

Later in the night, the same guy is standing around and sees someone else. "Excuse me" he says, feeling a bit playful, "What's your IQ"? The other guy says "Ummm, about 50". "Hey, what kinda strings do you use"? says the first guy.

I actually had someone (not a musician, obviously) get VERY ANGRY with me regarding that joke, and they demanded an explanation of why it was funny. Tough chore. If it happens in the future, I'd better brush up on the definition of "irony".

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Roger in Baltimore
Date: 20 May 00 - 03:24 PM

It is the absurd quality that some folks object to in humor. Especially when it's self-deprecating humor like Rick's joke about IQ.

A musician passes away in his sleep. He awakes and finds himself in the studio. He sees Willie Dixon over in the corner testing out a new bass. Jimi Hendrix and Duane Allman are over in the corner tuning up their guitars. Janis Joplin, John Lennon, and Elvis Presley are loudly exercising their vocal chords. He thinks to himself, "This must be music heaven."

Just then Karen Carpenter comes into the studio. She sits down behind the drum kit and says, "OK, let's take it again from the top: 'We've only just begun.'"

Big RiB


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 20 May 00 - 03:39 PM

ROGER, THAT IS FUCKING* PRICELESS!

Rick

* I promise not to swear again this year.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: zander (inactive)
Date: 20 May 00 - 03:45 PM

How many folk singers doe's it take to change a light bulb? Answer: five, one to change the bulb and four to sing about how good the old one was. Well at least it's not dirty. peace and love, Dave


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 20 May 00 - 03:57 PM

Rick, out of curiosity, what conclusion did you reach in your conversation?

Jon

(who finds "musician's humour" funny)


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 20 May 00 - 04:07 PM

Jon. Truthfully, I just gave up. The person was almost crying they were so angry. She kept saying things like "Rick, you're NOT stupid..why do you keep criticizing yourself, etc. etc.?" When someone misses the point or the irony or the humour by THAT much, there ain't nuthin' you can do.

The only analogy I can think of is when someone is talking "computer-eeze" to me. I just DON'T relate......but I don't get mad either.

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MK
Date: 20 May 00 - 05:11 PM

I once got a call from a hyper musician friend, who was expecting delivery of a reconditioned Steinway Baby Grand that he'd been waiting months for.

When it finally arrived he spent the entire day and night trying to debate where to put it in his home and I guess out of sheer excitement and frustration had the audicity to phone me at 4 o'clock in the morning, and wake me up, to ask me "where should I put the piano?"

Still 3/4s asleep, without missing a beat, my answer to him was "next to the bass player", as I hung up the phone and fell back asleep.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Mooh
Date: 20 May 00 - 05:58 PM

Dear R in B,

I have never heard a joke that so encapsulated my thinking! I almost wet myself laughing. Thanks!

Peace Mooh.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Mooh
Date: 20 May 00 - 06:02 PM

I forgot to add mine own...

How many folk musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One to hold the bulb and any number of others to drink until the room spins.

Mooh.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Abby Sale
Date: 20 May 00 - 10:46 PM

Well, now. I have to take a considerable interest in this thread. I post a monthly "Folking Around" in Central Florida. Just a listing of all the folk venues & events. The darn thing's gotten too long so I got in the habit of putting a folk-related joke at the top & the bottom. Theory being, of course, that the jokes are so good people will read to whole post just to get to them. (One reader even said that was true.) Thing is, I find it very hard to find actual folk-related jokes or stories. Pretty much gone through the available ones. The above good stories reflect this & rarely specify strictly folkish themes. I'd rather quit than be reduced to using those cheap-shot instrument bits. (Well, any more of them...) I'd rather use uplifting, generally humorous, non-spiteful ones. Or else really dirty ones. So I'll be reading this thread hoping for good material.

I find I have a few surplus musical jokes that are not folkish. Since I can't use them in my post, I reckon this is a good place to get rid of one & clean my hard drive thereby. A friend at Scottish Parliament sends:

Doc, I can't stop singing "The Green Green Grass of Home." That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. Is it common? It's not unusual.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 20 May 00 - 11:32 PM

Abby, what's the definition of a "minor second"?

Two celtic fiddlers playing in unison!

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: paddyc
Date: 20 May 00 - 11:39 PM

What's the difference between a bodhran player and a drum machine? You only have to punch the drum machine once to get the right rhythm.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Embarassed
Date: 21 May 00 - 01:29 AM

Before I say anything, just keep in mind the old adage- the only stupid question is the one that you don't ask.

I may be the only one, but I don't get the music heaven joke you told, Roger. Can you explain it to me?

Em


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Jeri
Date: 21 May 00 - 09:48 AM

Dear Em, Jimi, Janis, etc, rocked. They kicked bootie, so to speak. Karen Carpenter was laid back and mellow. If you happen to like kick-ass music, then what the joke means is that the musican isn't in heaven, he's in the other place. Could be stolen ...er, adapted for folk music:

Imagine an accoustic/trad folkie dies and wakes up in a place to find Woodie Guthrie, Robert Johnson, Stan Rogers, and a host of other departed masters. "Ah," he thinks, "folkie heaven." They bring him a chair and a vintage Martin. He sits in wonder, waiting for the for the incredible music to begin. Peering over the heads of those in front of him, he can see a figure has entered and is standing in the front of the room. Then, as a bubble or two lands on his nose, he hears "OK, from the top - an' a one, an' a two..."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Roger in Baltimore
Date: 21 May 00 - 09:51 AM

Gee Em, I don't know if your request is just leading me on or not. Well, I believe the concrete approach to requests is the best so here goes. The first artists mentioned are uniformly considered icons on their respective instruments. Many expect they are playing "rock and roll" in heaven.

Karen Carpenter, on the other hand, was a capable drummer, but no stand out. Many musicians would not expect the other stars to be very happy playing Carpenter tunes (Like 'We've Only Just Begun"). In fact, it might be pure Hell for them to have to do so over and over again.

Big RiB


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 10:44 AM

Musician jokes are funny and it's our way of poking a little fun at ourselves, especially, since we can sometimes be a little sensitive! I have people telling me JAP and Jewish jokes all the time ... I love 'em and retell them. But if you overanalyze ... the point is lost. Not being in the trenches, these days, I don't hear many musician jokes, but a couple of my favorite JAP jokes are:

What's the difference between a JAP and a bowl of Jello? Jello moves when you eat it.

What's the sound you hear in the background, when you're making love to a JAP? The sound of an emery board while she's doing her nails.

Shalom ... Jenny


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 21 May 00 - 12:36 PM

How can you tell when a J.A.P. has an orgasm? She drops her nail file.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MK
Date: 21 May 00 - 12:51 PM

Okay more JAP jokes then.


What does a JAP make for dinner?
Reservations.

How does a JAP call the family to dinner?
"Get in the car."

JAP's definition of natural childbirth.
Having a baby, and wearing no makeup.

How can you tell when a JAP is having an orgasm?
She screams out her name....(or, answer #2....she drops her nail file.)

What did the JAP say after making love?
So....you guys like part of a team or what?

A JAP'S definition of why God invented Gentiles?
..somebody has to pay retail.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 01:00 PM

Thank you, Kendall, I have a whole drawer full of nail files! Haven't had them out in a while, though ... maybe the drawer's stuck?

My favorite Jewish joke:

The priest, the minister, and the rabbi were sitting around discussing when life begins. The priest says "In my religion, we believe life begins at the point of conception." The minister says "In my religion, we believe life begins at birth." The rabbi says "Oy, we believe life begins when the dog dies and the kids leave home."

Another favorite:

The moyul has been doing bris and saving foreskins for 50 years. The day he retires he takes them to the luggage-maker to have him make a suitcase from the fruits of his labors. The luggage-maker tells him "no problem" and to check back in two weeks. The moyul dutifully, and with much excitement, goes back to the luggage-maker in two weeks to pick up his suitcase. When the luggage-maker brings it out to show the moyul, it is a small wallet. The moyul is outraged. He says "For 50 years I've collected and all I get in return is a wallet?" The luggage-maker says "Rabbi, calm down ... all you have to do is stroke it a few times and it grows."

Jenny


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Tasteless
Date: 21 May 00 - 01:00 PM

What's the difference between an Italian woman and an elephant?

50 lbs. and a black dress.


What's the difference between an East Indian woman, and a bowling ball.?

You could eat the bowling ball if you had to.


Definition of Polish blues chords?

Major 7ths.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 01:17 PM

Michael ... we must be cross-posting. thanks ... some I knew ... some I didn't! Having been called a JAP a few times in my life ...

What is a JAP's favorite wine? "When are we going to Palm Beach?"

I'll have to locate my JAP Handbook ... I'm getting the urge ...

Jenny


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Jeri
Date: 21 May 00 - 01:43 PM

NORTHEAST PASSAGE:
Ah, for just one time I would take a northeast passage
To find a Jewish princess reaching for my wallet thin,
With her well-coiffed hair and her extra-long eyelashes
And a Mother, waiting, eager to move in.

For those of you in other countries such as the UK, Australia and Texas, a "JAP" is a "Jewish American Princess."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 01:53 PM

Jeri ... good! very good!

Jenny


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Micca
Date: 21 May 00 - 02:19 PM

Welcome to hell Mr Von Karajan, heres your banjo.
and the Folkies/light bulb one I heard, was 7 1 to change it, 4 to sing about how good the old one was and 2 to complain that its electric.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 21 May 00 - 05:45 PM

Moonchild..I told the Moyle story to Sara Grey and Joan Sprung as we were entering a restaurant, and, we nearly got kicked out. The way I heard it was..."If you stroke it, it turns into a suitcase."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,poobah891
Date: 21 May 00 - 08:20 PM

So, the Grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says to him---hey, amazing; they named a dring after you.

The Grasshopper says: "They named a drink Bob?".

But, on the other hand---there are, hopefully, 5 fingers.

And, let us not forget about the Priest, the Minister, and the Rabbi playing poker for money. When the police raid the establishment and ask the Priest if he is playing for money he says ( after saying Lord forgive him) ---NO. The Minister---same thing. The Rabbi is asked by the constabulary the same question. Response---With Who?


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST
Date: 21 May 00 - 08:35 PM

Irish catholic boy of 40 was allowed by his mother to go to mass without her as a birthday present

Came back with a black eye so mother ask what happened

"Well a girl in front of me stood up, and when she did her pleated skirt got caught in the cheeks of her, eh, butt, so, being ever helpful I leaned forward and gently release the skirt"

Son was not allowed attend mass on his own for six months.

He returned six months later with another black eye.

Mother was furious and asked what happened

"Well the same girl stood up, the same thing happened and the guy beside me gently released the skirt. I knew she did not want the skirt released so I gently re-tucked it between her, eh, butt.

He was never allowed to attend mass on his own agian.

Paddy(1)


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Chocolate Pi
Date: 21 May 00 - 09:55 PM

well, there's always the one about the folkie who goes in to see the shrink, lies down on the couch, and says, "Doc, I dreamed I saw Joe Hill last night."


Chocolate Pi


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 21 May 00 - 10:13 PM

Good man Roger. Your explanation techniques are exquisite.

Guest, Tasteless: Your humour certainly is, but your knowledge of jazz chords is pretty fair.

From Scotland: Did ya ever hear the Scottish version of that famous Rolling Stones' song?

HEY MacCLEOD! GET OFFA MY EWE!

Rick


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 10:30 PM

OK ... you asked for it!! And old, old hippie joke ...

Two hippies go before the judge. They both have on boots, bellbottoms, and tshirts, and they both have hair to their waist. They are virtually indistinguishable. The judge is in a quandary trying to decide which is male and which is female. So, he asks ... "Which one of you has the menstrual cycle?" The two hippies look at each other and one says to the judge ... "It must be her, I drive a Harley."

Jenny


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MK
Date: 21 May 00 - 10:48 PM

A couple (two gay men), decide to have an afternoon outing and visit the local Metropolitan Zoo. They are leisurely walking through the grounds exploring all the various animal exhibits.

Finally they come to the Gorilla pavilion...and are gazing through the bars at the gorillas. Without warning, the largest gorilla suddenly lashes out towards the bars and grabs one of the men by the throat, and literally pulls him through the bars into his domain.

Immediately the gorilla overpowers the man, rips all of his clothes off of him, beats the crap out of him, and then brutally sodomizes him for about 20 minutes. Finally, finished with him the gorilla tosses the victim back through the bars.

An ambulance is immediately called, and the man is rushed to the hospital, barely alive.

Three days later, his partner, is finally allowed to visit him at the hospital, and upon entering his room, sees him sitting at the edge of his bed, covered from head to toe in bandages, weeping unconsolably.
He walks around and faces his bandaged friend and says gently, "Hey there! It's me! How are you? How are you feeling? How's your prognosis? What did the doctors say?"

His friend, still sobbing, answers,
"You know? He doesn't phone! he doesn't write!................"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Chanteyranger
Date: 21 May 00 - 11:18 PM

3 couples want to convert to Christianity and join a church. The minister has them go to services, meet the congregation, go to socials, etc. After a few months, he tells them "The last part of this process, to really test your commitment to god and to our church, is for you to not have any sex for the next two weeks, then come back to my office and we'll talk about it and see how you fared. After two weeks, they return to the minister's office. He asks them how it went. The first couple, in their 70's, tell him it was not much of a problem, and the minister welcomes them. The second couple, in their 40's, tell him that it was difficult, and by the fourth day they had to sleep in separate rooms, but somehow managed to get through without having sex. The minister congratulates them and welcomes them into the church. The third couple, 20-something newlyweds, complain to the minister, and the husband says: "On the third day, my wife was reaching up to the top shelf for some lightbulbs and dropped them. When she bent over to pick them up I couldn't take it anymore and we made love on the floor right then and there!" The minister, quite shocked, says: "You know this means you're not welcome in this church." The wife say's: "Yeah, that's too bad, but you know what's worse? we're not welcome back in Safeway either!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bbelle
Date: 21 May 00 - 11:30 PM

Three nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates and are greeted by Saint Peter. Saint Peter says:

"Sisters ... all three of you have led such exemplary lives that I am going to send you back to Earth for one day and you can choose to be anyone you want."

The first nun says:

"I've always admired Mother Theresa and would like to go back to Earth as her."

Saint Peter says: "Good choice. Granted."

The second nun says:

"Well ... I've always admired Margaret Thatcher and would like to go back to Earth as her."

Saint Peter says: "Good choice, sister. Granted."

So Saint Peter says to the third nun:

"Okay, sister, have you made your choice?"

"Yes, I have. I want to go back to Earth as Sara Pippelinni."

Saint Peter says:

"Sister, I've never heard of Sara Pippelinni," whereupn the third nun starts rumbling around in her pockets, where she pulls out an old, yellowed piece of newspaper and hands it to Saint Peter.

Saint Peter says:

"Sister, this says the Sierra Pipeline was laid in 2 weeks by 3,000 men."

To which the nun replies:

"Yep ... that's who I want to be."

"Sister ... this says the Sierra P


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: paddymac
Date: 22 May 00 - 12:37 AM

A music joke, sorta cleaned up-

A bar long past its prime had an equally aged signe in the window: "Piano Player Wanted". One evening a scruffy sort of character staggered into the joint, approached the barkeep and said: "I'll play you a song for a beer". The barkeep was a bit skeptical but thought, "why not?". He served the guy a draft, which he promptly chugged. He then teetered over to the piano and played the most soulful, moving slow piece imaginable. He had the whole house in tears. He ambled back over to the bar and the keep said "That was beautiful. What's it called?" The player amswered: "That's a little something I wrote when my wife died. I call it 'We can't screw no more' ".

Well, the barkeep gave him another beer and asked him to play something a little more lively and up beat. The player chugged the beer, went back to the piano and banged out an incredilbe fast-paced piece that had the whole joint jumping. When he finished, he got up and wobbled his way to the gent's room. He'd had enough that when he finished, he forgot to put his t'ing away.

Well, he ambled back to the bar. The barkeep saw him coming with his t'ing hanging out and said: "Hey, man, do you know your fly's open and your t'ing is hanging out?" The player looked at him and said: "Know it? Hell, man, I wrote it!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Melani
Date: 22 May 00 - 12:55 AM

A boy said to his father, "Dad, I want to be a musician when I grow up." His father replied, "You can't do that! It's one OR the other!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 22 May 00 - 06:55 AM

The Rabbi was in his office when the phone rang.."This is agent Smith with the IRS. Do you know a Bill Cohen?" Rabbi says "Yes I do." IRS agent "Did he donate $10,000 to your synagog?" Rabbi says "He will."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST
Date: 22 May 00 - 07:49 AM

A Musician dies and ends up in the afterlife. He's naturaly a bit dazed and can only make up vague shapes.

He askes the nearest shape - "Is this heaven or Hell"

The shape replies - "I don't know mate but here's your accordian."

Julie


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 22 May 00 - 11:19 AM

OK, I'm chipping in.
Q: What's the difference between a JAP, a nymphomaniac, and a prostitute?
A: After, the prostitute says That's All!; the nympho says Is that All? And the JAP says (looking up blankly at ceiling)...peach; I think I'll paint it peach.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Midchuck
Date: 22 May 00 - 12:57 PM

Frog Loan A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms. Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow. The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager. Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.

She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an Inch tall. Bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says:

"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000. And he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

(Are you ready ???) The bank manager looks back at her and says:"It's a knick knack, Patti Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: BlueJay
Date: 22 May 00 - 03:06 PM

Midchuck, that's a great one. I'll remember it!

So Ted Koppel, Ted Turner and Bill Gates were playing a round of golf. All of a sudden, Ted Koppel sticks his thumb in his ear, and starts talking into his little finger. His friends were startled, so he explained: "I've had a speaker implanted in my thumb, and a microphone in my little finger so ABC newscan contact me at any time".
A few minutes later, Ted Turner starts seemingly having a conversation with someone. He explained: "I had a speaker implanted in my inner ear, and a microphone implanted in one of my teeth, so the office can contact me at any time.
Later, Bill Gates suddenly pulls a roll of toilet paper out of his golf bag, and pulls down his pants. "Excuse me", he says, "I'm expecting a fax".


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: catspaw49
Date: 22 May 00 - 04:27 PM

Guy walks into a bar and orders a triple Scotch. Bartender asks him if he has a problem and the guy says,

"I sure as hell do. I found my wife in bed with my best friend!"
"What'd you do?" ask the bartender.
"Well I went staright over to my wife, looked her right in the eye and said "Pack up and Get Out!!!'"
"Sounds right to me," said the barkeep. What about your best friend?"
"Well I walked right over to him, looked him right in the eye too, and said, 'BAD DOG!!!'"

(Received from Banjer awhile ago)

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Christine
Date: 22 May 00 - 04:37 PM

A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar and happens to notice her tattoo, "What does it stand for" he asked. She says, " I am a member of the Nymphomanics of America Club" "in that case let me ask you a a question" What kind of man does a nympho really like?"

"Well, I really like native american men, becuase they are so close to nature, so primitive and animalistic. but I also like jewish men, because they make good money, you can wrap them around your little finger and they will happily become your love slave. Southern men turn me on to, because they are so polite and really know to treat a lady." "I see" he said "By the way, what is your name" she asked.

"Me?? My name is Tonto Goldstein, but you can call me Bubba1"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MK
Date: 22 May 00 - 04:59 PM

It's the peak of summer. A mid afternoon day. It's 90 degrees out and hardly a cloud in the sky. A policeman is patrolling his beat in the downtown corridor (any city you like), and notices a 90-something year old man sitting on a park bench near a bus stop, crying his eyes out.

Policeman walks over to the man, and says "Hey there my friend. It's such a beautiful day today! What's the problem? What's got you down?"

90ish guy looks up and in between sobs, starts ranting to the cop: "Last year, my wife who I was married to for nearly 70 years passed away. 6 weeks ago, I got remarried to the most amazing woman in the world. She's 23, blonde, busty--with a body to die for, and every morning when I wake up she makes me a breakfast fit for a king, then when I finish, she screws my brains out, and then goes to work. At lunchtime, she comes home from work, makes me a fantastic lunch, screws my brains out some more, and then goes back to work. At the end of the day, she comes home from work, fixes me a 5 course gourmet dinner and then later, screws my brains out till I fall asleep."

Then he puts his head back in his hands and just starts balling like a baby.

Policeman says to him "There there old fella. Sounds to me like you've got it made!!!!! I don't get it. Why are you crying????"

Man looks at the Policeman and yells "because I can't remember where I live!!!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Chanteyranger
Date: 23 May 00 - 02:00 AM

Two nuns are driving in the South of France. One says, "I've never come here before." The other says, "Must be the cobblestones."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 23 May 00 - 08:34 AM

Young girl goes into a store, dumps a bag of quarters on the counter. Storekeeper says "You hoard all of those?" girl says "No, my sister hoard some of them."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,me
Date: 23 May 00 - 10:10 AM

okay, you talked me into it...

How did the Germans conquer Poland?

They marched in backwards and told them they were leaving.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 23 May 00 - 10:36 AM

Hey! Knock it off, guys! How's a poor village idiot to earn a crust if everyone else is doing his material?!
RtS (actually scribbling like mad to add to his repertoire!)
%oD


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Midchuck
Date: 23 May 00 - 01:00 PM

Got this by e-mail from old friends in Saratoga, WY. Maybe Kat or one of them can tell us if it's accurate.

* > Official Wyoming Temperature Conversion Chart * > > 60 above > > Texans try to turn on the heat. > > People in Wyoming plant gardens. > > > > 50 above > > Californians shiver uncontrollably. > > People in Wyoming sunbathe. > > > > 40 above > > Italian & English cars won't start. > > People in Wyoming drive with the windows down. > > > > 32 above > > Distilled water freezes. > > Lake Absaracka's water gets thicker. > > > > 20 above > > Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves and woolly hats. > > People in Wyoming throw on a flannel shirt > > > > 15 above > > Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat. > > People in Wyoming have the last cookout before it gets cold. > > > > 0 - People in Miami all die... > > People in Wyoming lick the flagpole. > > > > 20 below > > Californians fly away to Mexico. > > People in Wyoming get out their winter coats. > > > > 40 below > > Hollywood disintegrates. > > The Girl Scouts in Wyoming are selling cookies door to door. > > > > 60 below > > Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic. Wyoming Boy Scouts postpone > > "Winter Survival" classes until it gets cold enough. > > > > 80 below > > Mt. St. Helen's freezes. > > People in Wyoming rent some videos. > > > > 100 below > > Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. > > People in Wyoming get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg. > > > > 297 below > > Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products. > > Cows in Wyoming complain about farmers with cold hands. > > > > 460 below > > ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). > > People in Wyoming start saying...."Cold 'nuff for ya?" > > > > 500 below > > Hell freezes over. > > The Denver Broncos win the Super Bowl. > > > >


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Songster Bob
Date: 23 May 00 - 01:50 PM

Some of the jokes here have the theme of musicians in various situations, others have to do with religions, and still others to do with sex. This one has two of the three, I guess:

A man dies and finds himself in line at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper asks the first in line to defend his life, to establish his bona fides, so to speak.

The guy says, "I was the CEO of a Fortune 500 firm, made about 12 million dollars in salary and compensation, and regularly tithed to the Church, plus establishing three foundations for the poor."

St. Peter says, "You were kind to the poor -- go on in."

Second guy says, "I wasn't a CEO, but a lawyer, made $300,000 a year for the last ten years, and always gave at least 5% of that to the charities in my home town. Plus I was a Boy Scout troop leader and did 100 hours of pro bono work each month."

"In you go," says Pete.

The last guy says, "Gee, I never made more than $22,000 in my best year!"

St. Peter says, "So, what instrument do you play?"


A similar joke has the arrivals announcing their occupations. The doctor and lawyer get shown the front gate, but the musician is told, "You may enter Heaven! Just go 'round the back, through the kitchen."


Bob Clayton


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Rich(stupidbodhranplayerwhodoesn'tknowbetter
Date: 23 May 00 - 05:31 PM

A friend of mine told me about the time he left his bodhran unlocked in the backseat of his car at a festival. He realized his mistake, ran back to the parking lot as fast as he could.......but alas, it was too late.

Some one left 3 more drums next to his!
Rich


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Jeri
Date: 23 May 00 - 07:15 PM

Guy walks into a pub furtively clutching a mysterious paper sack. He very carefully sets the sack down and orders a pint. Several regulars at the other end of the bar begin whispering and pointing at the sack. One regular steps away from the group and approaches the man. "So, I hope you don't mind me asking, but we're a bit concerned. Would you tell me what's in the sack?" "Well," says sack-man, "it's a bomb." "Thank goodness," says the regular, "we thought it might have been a bodhran!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Petr
Date: 23 May 00 - 08:47 PM

There has been a hostage taking incident at the airport. The terrorists took 100 Bodhran players hostage and were going to start releasing one every hour unless they got a million dollars. Petr.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 24 May 00 - 03:52 AM

OK, I give in, here's another Heaven joke:
Pope dies & goes to Heaven.
"What do you want to do?" asks St Peter.
"I'd like to read all your sacred texts" asks the Pope>
He goes into Heaven's reading room and starts reading. Later St Peter finds him crying.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
Pope replies through the sobs: "It says 'celebr not celibate"!
RtS
:oD


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 24 May 00 - 05:42 AM

...and then there were the tourists at a famous French cathedral who heard the bells ringing. Looking into the bell tower they could see no-one there but a plastic box was tied to the bell rope. They looked inside: there were two ham sandwiches, a packet of biscuits and an apple. The reported this to the verger who reassured them it wasn't a ghost, just the lunchpack of Notre Dame>
RtS (exits doing bad Charles Laughton impression [but sounding more like a bad TonyHancock impression] "The bells, Esmeralda, Mr Christian I'll see you hang from the highest yardarmin the British Navy".)
:oD


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Hilary NZ
Date: 24 May 00 - 07:23 AM

poor old bodhran players. To go back to the original thread - I play the bodhran and I laugh loudest at those jokes. the only survivors will be rats, cockroaches and those with a sense of humour. Now... no-one has got at unaccompanied singers yet - can you tell me why they are always standing out on the pavement (sidewalk for the US)? well... they can never find the key and when they do they can never come in at the right time. (yes - i sing unaccompanied)


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 24 May 00 - 11:02 AM

Petr that is a screem..hadnt heard this one before


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,me
Date: 24 May 00 - 11:25 AM

okay, okay, you're in for it now...

three men die and end up at peter's desk at the pearly gates...

peter asks the first man... "were you always faithful to your wife?" when the man answers affirmatively, peter tells him that during his stay in heaven, he will receive a brand spankin' new mercedes each and every year of his stay, and bids him enter.

peter asks the second man the same question and is told that the man was unfaithful only once. peter advises the man that during his stay in heaven, he will receive a brand spankin' new ford every year.

when the third man is asked the question, he tells peter that he was entirely unfaithful to his wife at every opportunity. peter checks his book and finds that the man was otherwise decent and kind, and advises him that he will receive a beat up old bicycle, and to take good care of it, 'cause there ain't no more. the man breathes a sigh of relief and goes into heaven.

a month later the bike guy sees the mercedes guy stopped at an intersection weeping inconsoliably. so he pedals up to him and asks his major malfunction... after all, he's in heaven, gets a new car each year, and so on....

the man looks up and says... "i just saw my wife go by on roller skates."

did i spell "inconsoliably" correctly?


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Bert
Date: 24 May 00 - 11:35 AM

No.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Steve Latimer
Date: 24 May 00 - 11:54 AM

This one takes a while, but is one of my all time favourites.

A guy walks into a bar and sees two beautiful young women sitting very close to each other in a booth. He has a few drinks, notices that they seem to be eyeing him so he goes over and asks if he can join them. They warmly welcome him, have a few more drinks and are getting along wonderfully. The bar closes and he asks if they'd like to go back to his place, to which they say they'd love to. As they get up out of the booth he realizes that they're siamese twins joined at the hip. Undaunted, he takes them back to his house, they have a few more drinks and are getting along royally. He finally invites them to 'Go Upstairs'. They say they'd love to and they all get naked and jump into bed. While he's having intercourse with one, the other is glancing around the room and notices a trombone. "Do you mind if I play your trombone?" she asks. "By all means' he replies. He continues doing his business with the one while the other plays "Tra la la boom de ay" on the trombone. He then switches partners, the one who is no longer occupied looks around the room and asks "are those juggling pins, can I use them"? "Sure" he says. He continues having wonderful sex with her sister as she juggles.

The next day the girls are talking. The one says "I had a great time last night, he was a really good guy. Do you think we should call him?

To which the other says "gee, do you think he'll remember us?"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 24 May 00 - 12:18 PM

A man was standing in line to enter heaven. Suddenly, he sees a drug dealer, a thief and a politician ahead of him. The line moved up, and when he got to the gate, he saw a group of people off to the side weeping and wailing. When he got to St. Peter, he said "What is going on here? I see drug dealers thieves and other undesirables entering, and whats that group over there crying about?" St. Peter says "Oh, that bunch ? they are the poor saps who thought we keep records!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Steve Latimer
Date: 24 May 00 - 12:23 PM

In a crowded bar a loudmouth says "All Lawyers are Assholes." A guy at the end of the bar says "hey, I take exception to that." The loudmouth asks, "are you a lawyer?" The guy replies "no, I'm an asshole."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Steve Latimer
Date: 24 May 00 - 12:46 PM

Duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. Barman says, "Hey, you're a duck!" "Nothing wrong with your eyesight," observes the duck. "Yeah, but I mean -- you can TALK!" says the barman. "Guess your ears are fine, too," answers the duck. "Now, can I have a beer please." Barman serves the duck a pint and asks him what he's doing in the area. "Oh," says the duck. "I work on the building site over there. We'll be here for a couple of weeks, and I'll be in each lunchtime for a pint." And each day the duck waddles over from his job at the building site and has his lunchtime lager.

The next week, the circus comes to town on its annual round. The circus owner comes in for a pint, and the barman tells him about the talking duck. "You should get it into your circus," he says. "You could make a lot of bucks out of a talking duck. I'll speak to him about it." Following day, the duck comes in at lunchtime. Barman says, "You know, the circus is in town, and yesterday I was chatting to the owner. He's very interested in you."

"Really?" says the duck.

"Yeah. You could make a lot of money there. I can fix it up for you easily." "Hang on," said the duck. "You did say a CIRCUS, didn't you?" "That's right." "That's one of those tent things, isn't it? With a big pole in the middle?" "Yeah!" "That's canvas, isn't it?" said the duck. "Of course," replied the barman, "I can get you a job there starting tomorrow. The circus owner's dead keen." The duck looked very puzzled. "What would he want with a plasterer?"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Wesley S
Date: 24 May 00 - 01:12 PM

Three Buddists die and go to heaven. They are greeted by St Peter who says they are welcome to come into heaven but they have to be able to relate the meaning of Easter in order to get inside.

The first Buddist says - I know all about Easter. That's when you get the whole family together to watch football and you eat a big bird. St Peter replies - I'm sorry you're wrong - that's Thanksgiving.

The second Buddist says - I know all about Easter. That's when you get the whole family together to watch football, you eat a big bird and you open presents. St Peter replies - I'm sorry you're wrong - thats Christmas.

The third Buddist says - I know all about Easter. That's when Christ died for our sins. They nailed him to a cross and they buried him in a tomb. Three days later He rose from the dead. Then He walked out of His tomb, saw His shadow, and we get six more weeks of winter.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 May 00 - 11:56 AM

Some really awful (read:great) jokes on this thread. I can't remember jokes to save my ass for some reason. Maybe if I had a reason to save my ass I'd remember more. Anyway, thanks for the laughs and the groans. Here's a groaner...one of the few I can remember.........

After 25 years on the same route, the postman is retiring and today will be his last deliveries. The folks on his route had decided to do something nice for him, but couldn't think of anything and decided it best to let each resident decide for themselves. The letter carrier arrives at the first house and the old lady tells him what a friend he's been over the years and how much she has appreciated his happiness when she received letters from her son and his empathy when she received bad news too. She gave him a beautiful card with a hundred dollar bill inside. The postman was embarrassed and could only stammer his thanks.

At the next house, a similar scene ensued with the couple who lived there giving him a trip to Jamaica for him and his wife. Again the postman was completely taken aback. The next home brought him an expensive watch while others had gift certificates, more money, and other expensive gifts. As he approached the last house, occupied by a young couple who had only recently moved to the neighborhood, he was weighed down as he had never been with the mail. He took the two letters and put them in this last mailbox for the last time and turned to go. Suddenly the door opened and the beautiful young wife wearing a sheer negligee called to him. He turned with his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide. She asked him to come in and put down his bag. He tried to explain that he couldn't do that, but the lovely young woman insisted. He finally complied. As soon as he put his bag down, she grabbed him by the hand and took him into the bedroom where she proceeded to give him the greatest fuck he'd ever had. He dressed and walked back to the living room, but the naked young lass followed him and said, "NO-NO-NO....You can't leave yet. Come into the kitchen and have some coffee." The postman told her he really didn't want any, but again, she insisted. Sitting at the table with the coffee in front of him, the still nude woman suddenly said, "HEY...How about a piece of cake?" He'd given up arguing with her so he said thanks as she placed the slice in front of him. When he had finished, they walked to the door and he picked up his bag. But before he could leave, he HAD to ask and said, "Ya' know everyone has given me wonderful things today...Money, watches, trips, jewelery, gift certificates,..all kinds of glorious things, but NO ONE did ANYTHING like you did......and I have to ask you about it.......I mean, like, uh.....why did, er, uh.......ummmm...." He couldn't think of any more words. She said simply, "Oh...That?....Well, my husband and I discussed it last night and it was kinda' HIS decision."

"WHAT?" asked the postman. "You mean he gave his permission for this?" He was startled to say the least. "Oh sure, " she said. "Last night I asked him what we should give you today and he said, 'Fuck him! Give him a cup of coffee.'..........Now the cake was my idea!"

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,wurkman
Date: 25 May 00 - 05:29 PM

A man goes into a pub carrying an octopus. He sets the octopus down on a bar stool and announces to the assembled company: ŒSee this octopus? He is the most brilliant musician. He can play any instrument you¹d like to give him.¹

A customer steps forward with an electric guitar and hands it to the octopus. The octopus eyes the instrument with professional approval then plays a series of fantastically slick blues riffs. Everyone is amazed.

Another customer gives the octopus a trumpet. The octopus plays a whole lot of jazz scales, then launches into a few Dizzy Gillespie numbers. Everyone applauds and cheers.

Then a Scotsman steps forward with a set of Highland pipes. The octopus turns the pipes over this way and that, looking rather puzzled.

ŒY¹see,¹ crows the Scotsman. ŒAh knew ye wouldna be able to play it.¹

ŒPlay it?¹ says the octopus. ŒI¹m not going to play it. As soon as I can work out how to get its pyjamas off I¹m gonna fuck its brains out.¹


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 May 00 - 05:41 PM

......uh, so what's with all the wacky shit?

Same joke, different punch line:

Scotsman says, "See? I tol' ya' he couldn't play 'em."
Octopus owner says, "Just wait. As soon as he's done fuckin' 'em, he'll play you the most teary-eyed rendition of Amazing Grace you've ever heard."

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Bill H
Date: 25 May 00 - 07:17 PM

Not original: Mae West quote upon having a reporter show up for an interview: "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"

BaBooom

Bill H


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bflat
Date: 25 May 00 - 10:18 PM

The following song titles are jokes in themselves:

My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My Heart

Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone

If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

and the Austin Lounge Lizzard's "Shallow End Of The Gene Pool"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 25 May 00 - 10:53 PM

She wont get under me, 'til I get over you


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Bill D
Date: 25 May 00 - 11:49 PM

What goes vroom, screech, vroom, screech, vroom, screech?

A blonde driving through a flashing red light.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Bill D
Date: 26 May 00 - 12:00 AM

A guy carrying a brown paper bag goes into a bar and orders a drink
The bartender smiles, pours the drink and then, unable to contain his curiosity, says, "So, what's in the bag?"

The man gives a little laugh and says, "You wanna see? Sure you can see what's in the bag," and he reaches in and pulls out a tiny piano, no more than six inches tall.

"What's that?" asks the bartender. The man doesn't say anything he just reaches into the bag a second time and pulls out a tiny man, about a foot tall, and sits him down next to the piano.

"Wow," says the bartender, absolutely astonished. "I've never in my life seen anything like that."

The little man begins to play Chopin. "Holy cow," says the bartender, "where did you ever get him?"

The man sighs and says, "Well you see, I found this magic lamp and it has a genie in it. He can grant you anything you want but only gives one wish."

The bartender scowls, "Oh, yeah, sure. Who are you trying to kid?"

"You don't believe me?" says the man, somewhat offended. He reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a a silver lamp with an ornate curved handle.

"Here it is. Here's the lamp with the genie in it. Go ahead and rub it if you don't believe me."

So the bartender pulls the lamp over to his side of the counter and,looking at the man skeptically, rubs the lamp. And then POOF, a genie appears over the bar, bows to the bartender and says, "Sire, your wish is my command. I shall grant thee one wish and one wish only."

The bartender gasps but quickly gains his composure and says, "Okay, okay, give me a million bucks!" The genie waves his wand and all of a sudden the room is filled with myriads of quacking ducks. They're all over the place, making a terrible noise: Quack, quack, quack!

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Hey! What's the matter with this genie? I asked for a million bucks and I get a million ducks. Is he deaf or something?"

The man looks at him and replies, "Well, do you really think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MudGuard
Date: 26 May 00 - 02:53 AM

There's the man who has this terrible headache which starts at the front, spreads to the sides and then to the top of the head. He goes to a doctor and explains his terrible headache, starting at the front, spreading to the sides and then to the top of the head. The doctor does every possible check like computer tomography, blood pressure and so on. He can't find a reason for the headache.

So the man tries a second, a third, a fourth doctor, none of them can help him get rid of his terrible headache, starting at the front, spreading to the sides and then to the top of the head. The fifth doctor also checks the man, and after a while he says: "There is only one way to cure a terrible headache, starting at the front, spreading to the sides and then to the top of the head. I'm sorry but I can only cure it if I remove your balls!" Of course, the man protests.

But the headache continues, and no drug is able to help with the pain. So after a few days he goes back to the fifth doctor and has his balls removed. After the operation the headache vanished.

After the man is released from hospital, he wants to buy himself a new suit as a sort of recompensation for his lost balls. So he goes to a taylor. While the taylor is measuring the man, he asks whether the man wears his dick to the left or to the right. The man answers he doesn't care as it does not make any difference.

The taylor replies: "Oh, but it makes a big difference! If you wear it on the wrong side, you might get this terrible headache, starting at the front, spreading to the sides and then to the top of the head!!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Slider
Date: 26 May 00 - 03:23 AM

Q: What goes "clippty clop,clippty clop,BANG,BANG,clippty clop"? A: An Amish drive-by shooting.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: darkriver
Date: 26 May 00 - 04:01 AM

This one's for Catspaw:

A lawyer goes into a bar after work one evening. While he's sipping his scotch, a prostitute comes over, leans on him, and whispers in his ear: "I'll do anything you ask for a hundred dollars!"

Without missing a beat, the lawyer whispers back: "Paint my house."

Doug aka darkriver


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 26 May 00 - 06:48 AM

So, any way, there I was , a callow youth from Birmingham, ariving back at University in C******. Rucsac on back and a suitcase in each hand, walking to my digs in a rough neighbourhood some way from from the station. Saw local lass crying.
"Ey Up ower kid.What's the matter?" asked the would-be Galahad.
"I'm frightened to go down that dark road in case I get assaulted by a strange man." she says.
"Never fear" replied the young gallant, "you can walk with me."
Half way down the dark lane she started blarting** again.
"Now what's the matter?"
"I've just realised you're a strange* man." she replied.
Says I, exasperated,"How could I assault you, I've a suitcase in each hand."
"Well," she replies, shyly, "I could hold one of those for you."
*but not as strange as he was to become!
**crying
RtS (Frankie Howerd told it better, but I do the accents!)


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Hilary
Date: 26 May 00 - 08:15 AM

O.K I can't resist any more...

q. what do you get if you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?

a. a cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth

AND - no one has done the best joke in the world, which actually has to be told rather than read, but it is my duty to tell anyone who doesn't know....

q. what is brown and sticky?

a. a stick


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 26 May 00 - 08:38 AM

one of my favorites is clean. (sorry Spaw)

What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a calculator?

Harry Reasoner. Hilary, thats a good one, and new to me..


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MK
Date: 26 May 00 - 08:56 AM

Q. What do you get if your cross a Pakastani with a Jew?

A. A security guard who thinks he owns the place.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Mooh
Date: 26 May 00 - 09:36 AM

Guest Hilary, another brown joke...

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.

(Monty Python I think.) Mooh.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Metchosin
Date: 26 May 00 - 12:15 PM

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.

The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was decided that this would be a "silent" debate.

On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, "I concede the debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay."

Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.

Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking what happened. "Well," said Moishe, "first he said to me, 'You Jews have three days to get out of here.' So I said to him, 'Up yours'.
Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews ... we stay right here!"

"And then?" asked a woman.

"Who knows?" said Rabbi Moishe. "We broke for lunch."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Den at work
Date: 26 May 00 - 01:22 PM

Rick that was brilliant. I've been trying to track down my friend Iain MacLeod for the last 10 minutes he'll cry when he hears it. Steve I still have tears coming down my cheeks. I had to leave the office a couple of my co-workers thought I had received bad news from home until I explained. Anyway here is my humble contribution.

Two old couples are in the pub having a chat. One old fella says to the other, "tell me Paddy how is the memory these days." "Oh its grand" says Paddy. "I went to a clinic last week and they taught me all manner of things to help me remember, like word association," he says, "it works like a charm." "What was the name of the clinic?" says his friend, Paddy pauses for a minute and then says, "whats the name of that flower with the thorny stem." "Rose", says his pal. "Thats it", says Paddy turning to the wife, "hey Rose what was the name of that clinic I was at last week."

One more. The Pope and Ian Paisley are travelling in a train with a beautiful young woman sitting between them. The train goes into a tunnel and there is a kissing sound and then a loud slap. When it emerges from the tunnel the Pope is holding his face and thinks to himself, "that bastard Paisley must have kissed that young woman and she thought it was me." The young woman thinks, "the pope must have kissed Paisley thinking it was me". And Paisley thinks, "I'm going to wait untill the train goes into another tunnel, make a loud kissing noise and smack the Pope up the side of the head again. Den


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,me
Date: 26 May 00 - 01:45 PM

okay, the theme is judeo-xtianity...

a prominant jewish businessman send his oldest son on a trip to jerusalem, while there the boy converts to xtianity.

the man is aghast and goes to his rabbi for advice. the rabbi tells him that he'd sent his son to jerusalem and he converted to xtianity, so he doesn't have an answer and suggests prayer.

so, the man prays, and a voice from heaven says... y'know its funny, i sent MY son to jerusalem and he converted to xtianity, too.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Amergin
Date: 26 May 00 - 01:51 PM

Well, here goes:

There was this Irishman sitting at the bar. Three drunken Englishmen were sitting behind him at a table, making jokes about him and laughing uproariously. One of them gets up and says, "Watch this, I'm going to pick a fight with that bastard." He walks over to the Irishman and says,"You know Saint Patrick was a faggot."

The Irishman looks at him and says, "Oh, really? I didn't know that." and goes back to his drink.

The Englishman goes back to his table and tells his buddies, "My God, this guy is unfazable, you can't piss him off."

One of his buddies gets up and says, "You just didn't do it right. Watch this." He goes up to the bar and says to the Irishman, "You know Saint Patrick was a cross dressing faggot."

The guy just looks at him and says, "Oh really? Huh, I didn't know that." and goes back to his drink.

The second Englishman walks back to the table in shock and says, "You're right, there is nothing that can piss this guy off."

The third Englishman gets up and says, "Time to let an experienced fellow to do the job. Watch this." He walks up to the bar and says to the Irishman, "You know, Saint Patrick was an Englishman."

The guy just looks at him and says, "Yeah, I know. That's what your buddies were telling me."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: MK
Date: 26 May 00 - 08:28 PM

The Italian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have wine.
The Scot says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have scotch.
The Swede says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have aquavit.
The Russian says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.
The German says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have beer.
The Greek says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have ouzo.
The Jew says, I'm tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Mooh
Date: 26 May 00 - 09:11 PM

Sheesh,

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac (how's that for a mouthful of disfunction?) who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a Dog?

Going for another beer, Mooh.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: bflat
Date: 26 May 00 - 10:11 PM

So the pilots of LOT Polish airlines bring the plane to a screeching halt on the edge of the runway. All the passagers are jolted by the abrupt stop. The co-pilot turns to the captain and say," my that was a short runway." The captain replys, "Hey, but did you see how wide it is!"


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,belter
Date: 27 May 00 - 11:50 AM

Well Bodran players tend to be a strange lot. They baby their drums. Some like to moisen the skin with beer, sometimes even a particular kind of beer. Others have special creams or losions they use to moisen the bodran skin. Still others insist, "No, no, no, no, only distilled water must ever be used to wet the skin. Anything else will contaminate it."

And then there was the Irish duo I saw a while back who explained that they had started storing stuff like strings and picks in the bodran and it was too much trouble to unpack it all before every show, and repack it after every show. So one of them grabs a cardboard box and starts druming on it. It sounded much like the bodrans that get treated with kid gloves.

True story I swear.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: leprechaun
Date: 27 May 00 - 02:20 PM

Dyslexics Untie!

Did you hear about the cannibal who passed his uncle in the jungle?


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 28 May 00 - 12:45 PM

A young man from Maine went off to Oxford in England to get educated. He came from a poor family but managed to scrape enough money to go. His father, a laborer, not easily impressed, (a reverse snob actually) got a letter from his son. In it, was a photo of the boy who had grown a mustache and beard. The boy wrote, "How do you like my mustache and beard? my friends tell me I look like a count." the old man says to his wife, "Look at this, he's in college and still cant spell."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Chanteyranger
Date: 29 May 00 - 02:56 AM

Kendall, that was brilliant! I'm going to Maine in a week. I have a friend there who, even though he's a native "Maineiac," would get a kick out of the joke. Thanks for posting that.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: kendall
Date: 29 May 00 - 02:42 PM

this is typical of Maine humor..dry and subtle. It requires more than a teaspoon full of brains to get it.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: darkriver
Date: 29 May 00 - 11:09 PM

Polish Air Disaster

Warsaw (UPI)--Poland's Worst Air Disaster occurred today when a small two-seater Cessna 152 plane crashed into a cemetery early this afternoon in central Poland. Polish search and rescue workers have recovered 326 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Chanteyranger
Date: 30 May 00 - 12:49 AM

Definition of Khakis:

They are what you need to unlock and start your vehicle in Maine.


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: GUEST,Hilary NZ
Date: 30 May 00 - 09:00 AM

I always thought the small plane (mine is a hellicopter) crashing in a graveyard joke was an Irish one. Are we not allowed to tell Irish jokes on a trad music website??


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 30 May 00 - 10:22 AM

RiB,

I'm getting a lot of mileage from your Barry Manilow joke, it's a beauty.

Steve


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 30 May 00 - 11:59 AM

A lawyer met a beautiful woman, and she agreed to spend the night with him for $500. So, they spent the night together, and in the morning before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "Rent for Apartment".

On the way to the office, he regretted what he had done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So, he sent a check for $250 and enclosed a note:

"Dear Madam:
Enclosed you will find a check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:
1. It had never been occupied;
2. There was plenty of heat; and
3. It was small enough to make me cozy and at home.
Last night, however, I found out that
1. It had been previously occupied;
2. There wasn't any heat; and
3. It was entirely too large."

Upon receipt of the note, the woman immediately sent back the following reply:

"Dear Sir:
I insist on being paid the full amount agreed upon, because:
1. I cannot understand how you expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely;
2. As for the heat, there is plenty of it if you know how to turn it on; and
3. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please don't blame the landlord."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Wincing Devil
Date: 30 May 00 - 12:44 PM

There were these two gents in a pub one night. One turns to the other and says:
"I'm proud to be Irish!"
The other chap says "I'm Irish too! Where are you from?"
"County Kildare!"
"County Kildare? I'm from County kildare as well!! Where did you go to school?"
"St Mary's Academy"
"St Mary's Academy? I went to St Mary's Academy too! When did you graduate?"
"1973"
"1973? I graduated in 1973 as well!"

At this point, the bartender turns to another patron and says:
"It's gonna be a long night, the O'Reilly twins are drunk again!"


Wincing_Devil
If Cats could talk, they would remind us that their ancestors ate ours


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Abby Sale
Date: 30 May 00 - 08:29 PM

At the Newfoundland site, I find some local history:

Seems they sometimes make preparations for wakes a bit early.  A husband had been ill for several years and the doctor found the patient in a much weekened condition and remarked to the wife that her husband would probably die that day.

She got a big pot of soup going and about 10 o'clock at night made a visit upstairs. The first thing her poor husband had to say was, "Mary dat soup smells good, I'd like a drop."

Wife: "Ah Pat b'y, can't ya be more considerate? I'm saving that soup fer d'wake."


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Subject: RE: BS: A joke to share
From: Petr
Date: 30 May 00 - 08:56 PM

Whats green and smell like red paint?

... . .. .. Green Paint. Petr


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This Thread Is Closed.


Mudcat time: 29 September 5:27 PM EDT

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