Subject: elvis in Scotland
From:
little john cameron
Date: 03 Jun 00 - 10:52 AM
Ah hope ye dinnae mind but ah stertit a new threed as this is a bit lang.Anyhoo here goes.
By Ingrid MacPherson Fears continue to grow over the sanity of Glen Lachart resident, "Mad" Tam Macmillan, following his continued claims that the ghost of Rock & Roll icon Elvis Presley haunts his chimney.
As reported in previous issues of The Star, Tam has been plagued by the Hillbilly Cat's creepy crooning ever since moving into his new house on the village High Street. Despite a lack of any sort of evidence whatsoever, Tam insists that Elvis - who died in August 1977 - resides half-way up his chimney, regularly performing such hits as "Blue Moon of Kentucky", "Heartbreak Hotel" and "Love Me Tender" at "all bloody hoors o' the mornin'".
COMMANDS As if this wasn't bad enough, Tam claims that the spectral Presley has taken to giving him a series of unusual commands between songs, commands which he allegedly has "nae choice but tae follow".
"I huv tae dae whit he tells me, plain an' simple" laments Tam, "ye just dinnae argue wi' The King."
Elvis Presley not shown here building a tank "His orders were simple enough tae begin wi', really" Tam told us. "He'd say 'make me a cheeseburger' or somethin', ye know, wi' yon voice o' his. "Then he'd tell me tae leave the cheeseburger oot on the front doorstep. When I'd check back a wee bittie later, the burger'd be gone."
NEIGHBOUR On one occassion Tam waited by the door, ready to spring out at the first sound from outside. When a sound did come, however, it turned out to be Tam's startled next-door-neighbour, Alvin King, who'd "popped round to borrow some milk".
"Alvin must've scared Elvis aff that time, cause nae bugger touched the burger yon day."
Recently, Elvis' demands have taken a more unusual turn, with the supernatural singer ordering Tam to start shipping in some rather odd machinery which has been coming to the village in large crates filled with cosmoline and painted with Russian markings.
TANK "He wants me tae build a tank," offered Tam. "A big tank fur him tae drive aboot in."
The tank has been identified by Tam as a Russian T-34, and the pieces are alleged to have been purchased from "Krazy Ivan's Surplus" - in St. Petersburg. Known as a T-34/76 and originally built at the Chelyabinsk Tractor Works, this model was used extensively during the battle of Kursk in July 1943. According to represetatives of Ivan's Surplus the vehicle sports an 85mm cannon.
Dinnae ask me hoo Elvis is goin' tae drive it, whit wi' him bein' deid," said Tam. "One thing's for sure, though, them idjits o'er in Lachart Bridge have been askin' for trouble ever since the slaggin' they gave us when Cameron got gubbed at golf. This tank could be just the very dab for gettin' wir own back!"
Councillor Cameron himself said he "wouldn't stand" for anyone taking revenge on the residents of Lachart Bridge.
"One thing that I will definitely not tolerate is anyone driving a Russian tank along Lachart Bridge High Street and across their golf course, ruining all the greens," warned Cameron.
"And I can't stress enough how little respect I'd have for anyone who drove said tank through their club house, knocking it down like a house of cards. That wouldn't be on."
BANGING The fact that Tam is building a tank goes a long way to explain the "clanging and banging" that's been heard around Glen Lachart at night recently, and which has been discussed in the Glen Lachart forums.
Fortunately, Tam is not alone in his tank-building venture, with Alvin working along side him day and night to help him complete the heavily armoured vehicle. Unlike Tam, however, Mr King insists he has never heard a sound from the spirit of "The Pelvis".
"Alvin's awfy excited aboot gettin' this built," said Tam. "He's puttin' in an awfy lot o' work, jist tae help oot a mate. I couldnae dae it withoot him."
Hoo aboot that then.MYSTERY SOLVED!!! LJC.
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sj
