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BS: Just a Joke
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: death by whisky Date: 23 Jul 00 - 09:33 PM Aman walks into a pub with a giaffe.Orders a pint for himself and one for the giraffe.This goes on all night.Eventually the giraffe collapses on the floor.The man gets up to leave but the barman says"you can't leave that lyin there".The man replies"Its not a lion its a giraffe" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: GUEST,Phil Cooper Date: 23 Jul 00 - 11:13 PM What's the difference between a soprano and a pit bull? The jewelry. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: GUEST,JamesJim Date: 24 Jul 00 - 12:49 AM George was concerned that his wife might be losing her hearing, so he slipped up behind her and said, "honey, can you hear me?" When there was no response, he decided to say it a little louder; "Honey, can you hear me?" Still no response, so he moved right up behind her and put his mouth close to her ear and very loudly said, "HONEY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?" She turned around, looked him in the eye and said, FOR GOD'S SAKE GEORGE, FOR THE THIRD TIME, I SAID YES! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: SDShad Date: 24 Jul 00 - 01:31 AM ...twenty bucks, same as in town! ...that sheep is a feckin' liar! ...it's just they've rung up from the pub this morning, and you've left your wheelchair again. ...light a match and I'll drive my truck out. ...hey, MacLeod, get off of my ewe! ...I'm jusht fine. Now, where'sh th'lady with the tooth? ...I was just fine until I wanted to go home and asked somebody where the bus lepot was. (hee hee--gotta love Sioux humor....) ...oh, that's not hamburger, dear, Daddy has leprosy and he's waving goodbye.... (the single most disgusting joke I know) Shad |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Amergin Date: 24 Jul 00 - 01:37 AM One day a wife was looking at her breasts in the mirror and she asked her husband, "Are my breasts too small, dear?" "Well, they are kind of small.." "Maybe I should think about getting implants." "No, just get a wad of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few weeks, that might make them bigger." "Ok" Everyday for two weeks, she would get some toilet paper and rub it between her breasts for three hours at a stretch, but still her breasts were not getting any bigger. She asked her husband, "Are you sure this is going to work? Been doing it every day and they're not getting any bigger." "It worked for your butt didn't it?" Well, the guy lived and with several months of intense physical therapy, he may be able to walk again. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Psaltry Psue Date: 24 Jul 00 - 01:38 AM An orchestra was putting on a performance of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. There were two bass players who had a part in the first movement, and a part in the finale', but nothing in between. They requested permission from the conductor to leave the stage during the long period of inactivity, and were granted their request. At the end of the first movement, they exited the stage, and one said to the other "let's go across the street for a minute and grab a drink." They had one, then another, and finally one says "hadn't we better get back? They'll be getting close to the end." The other says "oh, don't worry. I've tied the last two pages of the conductor's sheet music together with string." The two bassists finally returned to the auditorium, to see the conductor conducting with one hand while frantically trying to untie the string with the other. The audience were on the edge of their seats with tension. After all, it was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the bassists were loaded. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Gervase Date: 24 Jul 00 - 07:05 AM ...you should have seen the monkey trying to get the cork back in. ...come on, Eileen. ...no, because he f***s pigs, stoopid. And many, many more. Remind me of the group of friends who were so familiar with each other's jokes that they gave them all numbers. In the bar at night, one would only have to call out "thirty six" and the rest would fall around hooting and sobbing. A stranger walks up and asks them what they're doing. They explain, and he says: "Can I try then?" Sure, they say, and the the stranger cldears his throat. "Er, twenty seven," he ventures. Silence. "What was wrong with that?" says the stranger. "Heck, it's the way you tell 'em," he's told. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: SDShad Date: 24 Jul 00 - 07:42 AM But then another stranger gives it a try, steps up and says "seventy-two!" The place collapses in hysterical, side-splitting gales of laughter. When the bartender, wiping tears from his eyes, can finaly talk again, he comes up and claps the fellow on the shoulder and says "and sure, they've never heard that one before." Shad |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: GUEST,Passing Stranger Date: 24 Jul 00 - 12:31 PM Q: What is the question to which the answer is "9 W"? A: "Do you spell your name with a V, Herr Wittgenstein?"
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Kim C Date: 24 Jul 00 - 12:56 PM Q: Why does it take four women with PMS to change a lightbulb? A: BECAUSE IT JUST DOES, DAMMIT!!!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Pseudolus Date: 24 Jul 00 - 01:01 PM A skeleton walks into a bar, orders a beer and a mop.... Three guys walk into a bar, you'd think one of 'em woulda seen it!! A man walks into a confessional and says, "Father, I'm 80 years old, I have 4 kids and 15 grandchildren and I've lived a good life but last night I strayed. I spent the night with two 18 year olds and we did nothing but drink and have sex all night." The priest asks, "My son how long has it been since your last confession?" The guy responds, "Father, I've never been to confession before, I'm Jewish." The priest is puzzled and asks, "Well then my son, why are you telling me this?" And the guy says, "Are you kidding me Father, I'm telling EVERYBODY!!!!" Two nuns riding their bikes to school, because of construction, have to take a different route down a cobblestone road. One says, "I've never come this way before." The other says, "well, maybe it's the cobblestones!" Enjoy, Frank |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Susie Date: 24 Jul 00 - 02:00 PM Man with small terrier-type dog walks into the bar and orders a pint. "No dogs in here" is all the response he gets, so he leaves. Tries the next bar, same response. After trying the next few bars down the street, he is getting thirsty and a bit tired of being turned away, when he notices in a shop the sign on the door - "No doge (guide dogs for the blind excepted)". Aha. The answer hits him. In he goes to the next bar, where he receives exactly the same curt response as before - "No dogs in here". "No dogs at all?" he asks. "Well", replies the bartended,"we do allow guide dogs for the blind". "But I am blind" says the man. "What?" says the barman, "guide dogs are usually alsatians or labradors". "Oh" says the customer, "what have they given me then?" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: SDShad Date: 24 Jul 00 - 03:14 PM Fella walks into a department store with his seeing-eye dog, picks up the dog and starts swinging it around by its harness above his head. As the dog looks outward on the people around, there's a very alarmed look on his face. A floor manager nervously approaches the man and asks, "sir, is there any thing I can do to help you?" "Nope," the man replies, "just looking around." Chris |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Liz the Squeak Date: 24 Jul 00 - 04:37 PM Play it? When I get it's pyjamas off I'm gonna shag it senseless!!! LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: radriano Date: 24 Jul 00 - 04:40 PM In the days of the old west, a sheriff walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the barman: "Bartender, I'm lookin' for a varmint. Wonder if you've seen him in these here parts?" "Well, Sheriff," says the bartender, "what's he look like?" "Well," says the sheriff, "he's gone on a paper outfit. Paper shirt, paper pants, a paper vest, paper guns in paper holsters, paper boots and spurs, and, oh yeah, a big paper coat and a big paper ten gallon hat." "Can't say I've seen him in these parts," says the bartender, "but what's he wanted fer?" "Rustlin'," says the sheriff. Radriano |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Liz the Squeak Date: 24 Jul 00 - 04:47 PM Dog limps into a saloon. Hops up onto the bar, beckons to the barkeep. 'Hey, you seen a cowpoke with blue jeans, black shirt, silver handled pistols, big black hat and only one eye?' 'Nope' says the barkeep, 'why, you lookin for one?' 'Yup' says the dog. 'Wurl why's that then?' asks the barkeep. 'Lookin' for the guy that shot ma paw......' LTS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Morticia Date: 24 Jul 00 - 05:59 PM yes, but 20 years ago that fence hadn't been electrified |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Bill D Date: 24 Jul 00 - 06:03 PM ..." ok," says the Texan.."where's that Eskimo woman you want me to wrestle?"
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: wysiwyg Date: 24 Jul 00 - 06:16 PM "No thanks, I'll take it to go." WHACK!!! "The head tastes best." ~S~ |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: The Walrus Date: 24 Jul 00 - 06:21 PM Just after World War II, a sergeant in the one of the Guards regiments was comining up to retirement so he requested an interview with the Colonel. "Request permission to take my rifle with me when I retire" "Why?" Asked the Colonel "Well Sir, I've carried it on sentry go out side Buck House, It went with me to France in '39 and I brought it out at Dunkirk, it went back with me on D Day and I carried it al the way through to VE Day and now I'm retiring, I'd like it as a souvenir" The Colonel promisied to look into the matter and two weeks later, the Sergeant was up in front of the Colonel again, to be told that, on payment of a small sum and acquiring a firearms licence his request would be granted,he duly paid up, sucessfully applied for his licence and shortly after that, retired, the owner of a former service rifle. Two days after his retirement, the sergeants wife saw him building a small plinth right in the centre of their garden, he carefully built a pair of cradles in the top of the plinth, reverently placed the rifle in the cradles, carefully cemented the rifle into place,stepped back and said "Now you bastard...RUST !" Walrus |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Gary T Date: 24 Jul 00 - 07:06 PM Three little kids are trying to out-brag each other about how far back they can remember. After a while, one figures he'll win this contest, and says "Well, I can remember getting that first slap from the doctor." The next one says "That's not so great, I remember seeing daylight for the first time through that hole in my mom." The third one says "Aw, that's nuthin'. I remember going to the Prom with my dad and coming home with my mom." |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Bill D Date: 24 Jul 00 - 08:23 PM in a moment of weakness a year ago, I posted this long joke about a horse with green hooves ...I will not clutter THIS thread with it, but it has a certain message, and has become a family 'line'..(the green hooves part) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: gillymor Date: 24 Jul 00 - 11:15 PM ...I thought you said KING KONG'S BALLS! A dentist informs his Buddhist patient that he has to extract a tooth and prepares an injection. When he raises the needle to the patient's mouth the Buddhist says "NO NOVOCAIN! I can transcend dental medication." F |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: katlaughing Date: 25 Jul 00 - 12:43 AM Two old ladies were living in a nursing home. They were both smokers and had to go outside whenever they wanted a drag. One day, they were out and it began to rain. Their cigs were getting wet, when one pulled out a condom and put it over her cigarette to keep it dry. The other one looked at her and said, "What in the world is that?" "It's a condom. Ya buy them at the pharmacy. Just go in and tell them you want a box of condoms. Your cigs'll always stay dry that way!" So, a few days later the other one decided to go buy herself some condoms to keep her cigs dry. She walked up to the pharmacy counter and asked the pharmacist for a box of condoms. Looking at her, the pharmacist is thinking "she's goyta be 80 years old at least, what would she want condoms?" So he tries to figure out if she is confused by asking her a couple of questions. "Ah, ma'm, do you have any preference? Any particular type?" She says, "No, just as long as they will fit on a Camel!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Pseudolus Date: 25 Jul 00 - 10:47 AM Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks." The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks. The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church." said the pastor. The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks" the young man replied. "What Happened?" inquired the pastor. "My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there." "You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church", stated the pastor. "That`s OK", said the young man, "We`re not welcome at the A&P anymore either. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler Date: 25 Jul 00 - 11:28 AM A story in today's papers says that Scottish kilt makers are including a pocket for mobile phones. "Is that a mobile phone ringing in your sporran or are you just pleased to see me?" springs to this depraved mind. RtS |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Amergin Date: 25 Jul 00 - 01:57 PM New Employment Policies: SICKNESS: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment. YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your replacement. REST ROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the rest room. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, those whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to 8:10,employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you're unable to go at your time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your time comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm bell will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open. PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks: Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $ 244.40 Outgo tax $ 45.21 State tax $ 11.61 Interstate tax $ 61.10 County tax $ 6.11 City tax $ 12.22 Rural tax $ 4.44 Back tax $ 1.11 Front tax $ 1.16 Side tax $ 1.61 Up tax $ 2.22 Down tax $ 1.11 Tic-Tacs $ 1.98 Thumbtacks $ 3.93 Carpet tacks $ 0.98 Stadium tax $ 0.69 Flat tax $ 8.32 Surtax $ 3.46 Corporate tax $ 2.60 Parking fee $ 5.00 F.I.C.A. $ 81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $ 9.95 Life insurance $ 5.85 Health insurance $ 16.23 Dental insurance $ 4.50 Mental insurance $ 4.33 Reassurance $ 0.11 Disability $ 2.50 Ability $ 0.25 Liability $ 3.41 Unreliability $ 10.99 Coffee $ 6.85 Coffee Cups $ 66.51 Floor rental $ 16.85 Chair rental $ 0.32 Desk rental $ 4.32 Union dues $ 5.85 Union don'ts $ 3.77 Cash advance $ 0.69 Cash retreats $ 121.35 Overtime $ 1.26 Undertime $ 54.83 Eastern time $ 9.00 Central time $ 8.00 Mountain time $ 7.00 Pacific time $ 6.00 Time Out $ 12.21 Oxygen $ 10.02 Water $ 16.54 Heat $ 51.42 Cool air $ 26.83 Hot air $ 20.00 Miscellaneous $ 113.29 Sundry $ 12.09 Various $ 8.01 Net Take Home Pay $ 0.02 Thank you for your loyalty. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. All questions, comments, concerns, Complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: PoohBear Date: 25 Jul 00 - 11:21 PM Biskit, I thought the punch line was "Little Red Riding Hood pulled out her pistol and said oh no you don't, you're going to eat me, just like the story says!" PB |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Mbo Date: 25 Jul 00 - 11:28 PM One I heard recently I like a lot. Not really a joke though. "Smile. It's the second-best thing to do with your lips." --Matt |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Mrrzy Date: 25 Jul 00 - 11:42 PM Q: What's better than roses on your piano? A: Tulips on your organ! ...Death by BONGA!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: rangeroger Date: 25 Jul 00 - 11:57 PM Gosh, what did her mother say? "Baa" rr |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: GUEST,Colwyn Dane Date: 26 Jul 00 - 03:55 PM A motorist who was injured in a traffic accident wakes up in hospital and looks up at the doctor & nurses surrounding his bed. A look of horror appears on his face and he shouts "Doctor I can't feel my legs." "It's not surprising" replys the doctor, "as we have had to amputate your hands." Toodle-pip. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Jed at Work Date: 07 Dec 00 - 12:16 PM A young newly-wed woman visits her doctor saying, "Doctor, after two weeks of marriage my husband has suddenly lost interest in sex." The Doctor assures her all is OK, "He has just lost the animal instinct, and we can fix that. I want you to crumble up a dog biscuit into his morning cereal, every day for a week, then come back and see me." Encourgaed, the young wife goes home and follows her doctor's instructions carefully. One week later she returns the doctor."How is your husband?" asks the doctor. "He's dead." says the young woman, "just the other day he was sitting in the driveway licking his balls when I backed over him with the car!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: annamill Date: 07 Dec 00 - 12:44 PM A man sticks his head into a barbershop and says "Bob Peters here?" "No" says the barber, "Only haircuts and shaves". Love, annamill |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: CamiSu Date: 07 Dec 00 - 01:00 PM Oh, OW!....Loreena!
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Ringer Date: 07 Dec 00 - 01:08 PM Jed at Work eh? A likely story! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: GUEST,petr Date: 07 Dec 00 - 01:12 PM so this seal walks into a club... two guys went bear hunting, they saw a sign said bear left, so they went home. In response to the how many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb ? Two: one to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly coloured machine tools whats red and smells like green paint?
... ... ... red paint.
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Long Firm Freddie Date: 07 Dec 00 - 01:57 PM What's brown and sticky?
A stick! LFF |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Jed at Work Date: 07 Dec 00 - 02:05 PM annamill - oooo, but chuckle. and bald eagle?? at work? yep, but not necessarily workin'! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Mrrzy Date: 07 Dec 00 - 02:14 PM What's the difference between a hooker, a nymphomaniac, and a JAP (you can substitute your unfavorite ethnic group here)? The nympho says Is that all? The hooker says' That's All! And the JAP says... (staring at ceiling)... peach... I think I'll paint it peach... How many teamsters does it take to change a lightbulb? 14 - you got a problem with that? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: NightWing Date: 07 Dec 00 - 03:28 PM Did you hear about the agnostic dyslexic insomniac amnesiac? He stayed up all night worrying about whether there really is a dog. (Forget it!) And a limerick:
There was a young lady named Sue
BB, |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Ely Date: 07 Dec 00 - 07:07 PM And Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a pub and each orders a pint. Just as they are getting ready to drink, a fly lands in each man's glass. The Englishman looks at it in disgust and pushes the glass away untouched. The Irishman picks out the fly, tosses it away, and drinks anyway. The Scotsman reaches in, picks up the fly, and cries, "Spit it out! Spit it out!" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Dr. Sunshine Date: 08 Dec 00 - 08:12 AM An Englishman,an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a Jew, A West Indian, a Gorilla, a duck, a giraffe,a horse,a penguin,a man with a parrot on his head...walked into a bar The barman said "what's this...some sort of joke" |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Trevor Date: 08 Dec 00 - 09:34 AM Doctor : How did you get that bump on your head? Patient : A book fell on it Doctor : Oh, don't blame your shelf. or Doctor : You've got chicken pox Patient : Chicken pox! I want a second opinion. Doctor : Oh alright, it's measles. (courtesy T.Cooper) or Did you hear about the girl who went into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one? Boom boom. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke From: Uncle_DaveO Date: 08 Dec 00 - 12:28 PM Hate to be a grump, but I wish people would tell the joke instead of the just the endings. They're not funny in themselves, and if you don't already know the joke they're meaningless. If you already know the joke, there's nothing funny about them. Dave Oesterreich |