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BS: Just a Joke

Liz the Squeak 23 Jul 00 - 03:37 PM
GUEST,Phil Cooper 23 Jul 00 - 03:21 PM
Amergin 23 Jul 00 - 12:46 PM
sledge 23 Jul 00 - 12:38 PM
Liz the Squeak 23 Jul 00 - 11:46 AM
Marymac90 23 Jul 00 - 10:57 AM
kendall 23 Jul 00 - 09:43 AM
sophocleese 23 Jul 00 - 09:19 AM
GUEST 23 Jul 00 - 03:04 AM
ivy b* 22 Jul 00 - 03:57 PM
GUEST,bob 22 Jul 00 - 03:47 PM
GUEST,Phil Cooper 22 Jul 00 - 01:28 PM
Bill D 22 Jul 00 - 12:49 PM
Morticia 22 Jul 00 - 12:27 PM
sledge 22 Jul 00 - 12:17 PM
Micca 22 Jul 00 - 12:11 PM
Morticia 22 Jul 00 - 12:00 PM
Liz the Squeak 22 Jul 00 - 10:11 AM
Mbo 22 Jul 00 - 08:46 AM
Gervase 22 Jul 00 - 08:28 AM
Dharmabum 22 Jul 00 - 08:12 AM
Catrin 22 Jul 00 - 07:47 AM
gillymor 22 Jul 00 - 07:44 AM
Catrin 22 Jul 00 - 07:38 AM
Catrin 22 Jul 00 - 07:37 AM
GUEST,Bob Schwarer 22 Jul 00 - 07:25 AM
kendall 22 Jul 00 - 05:52 AM
GUEST,Banjo Johnny 22 Jul 00 - 05:14 AM
sledge 22 Jul 00 - 04:11 AM
JenEllen 22 Jul 00 - 02:18 AM
GUEST,Banjo Johnny 22 Jul 00 - 02:06 AM
JenEllen 22 Jul 00 - 01:56 AM
Gary T 22 Jul 00 - 12:54 AM
GUEST,late 'n short 22 Jul 00 - 12:42 AM
GUEST,late 'n short 22 Jul 00 - 12:37 AM
Bill D 22 Jul 00 - 12:12 AM
Mbo 21 Jul 00 - 11:41 PM
Sorcha 21 Jul 00 - 11:34 PM
GUEST,Kristi 21 Jul 00 - 09:56 PM
Amos 21 Jul 00 - 09:50 PM
Fortunato 21 Jul 00 - 02:20 PM
GUEST,Phil Cooper 21 Jul 00 - 01:38 PM
Racer 21 Jul 00 - 03:47 AM
Chanteyranger 21 Jul 00 - 03:30 AM
GUEST,Banjo Johnny 21 Jul 00 - 03:12 AM

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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Jul 00 - 03:37 PM

A priest was walking down the road when he found a talking frog.

'I'm a young prince, and I've been turned to a frog by an evil witch. I need to spend the night with a righteous and godly person to be transformed back to my rightful self'

The priest, being a godly and righteous sort of person picked up the frog and took it home with him. He placed it in his bed, laid down and spent the night in this way.

In the morning, he woke up and lying next to him was a young boy, with golden curly hair and a cherubic face.

And that M'Lud, concludes the case for the defence....

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Phil Cooper
Date: 23 Jul 00 - 03:21 PM

A woman walks down the sidewalk when she hears a frog say, "Help me! Help me!" She looks at it, puzzled and the frog says, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a sensitive singer/songwriter." She picks up the frog and puts it in her pocket. The frog says, "wait, wait, you're supposed to kiss me." She says, "Babe, you're worth more as a talking frog." source Dr. Joe: ]

And another one. A soprano is making love to her saxophone playing boyfriend. Remembering that she has neglected her birth control she says, "honey you should pull out." He says, "Why, am I sharp?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Amergin
Date: 23 Jul 00 - 12:46 PM

The Princess & The Frog Once upon a time, a smart, independent, self-assured princess came across a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess: "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a handsome prince and then we can marry and move into the castle with my Mother. And you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

That night while the princess dined on a delicious repaste of frog's legs, she laughed to herself and thought....

"I don't fucking think so."


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: sledge
Date: 23 Jul 00 - 12:38 PM

A penguin walks into a bar and asks if the barman has seen his brother.

The barman replies "what does he look like"


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 23 Jul 00 - 11:46 AM

Duh, do I look like I have Sara Lee tatooed on my forehead??

(one of my favourites - the vicar used it in a sermon the other week and I damn nearly died......!

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Marymac90
Date: 23 Jul 00 - 10:57 AM

The chorus was singing a fugueing piece in two parts, one for soprano and alto, one for tenor and bass. They couldn't seem to get the timing right for the entrance of the men. The director said "If the ladies will examine their parts, they will see where the gentlemen are supposed to enter."

from "Roundman" Sol Weber


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: kendall
Date: 23 Jul 00 - 09:43 AM

..you chose the ugliest one in the flock..


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: sophocleese
Date: 23 Jul 00 - 09:19 AM

"So the Pope says, "Holy Water!?! I thought it was 7up!"

AS the actress said to the bishop...


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Jul 00 - 03:04 AM

Hee haw hee haw hee always says that.


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: ivy b*
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 03:57 PM

a man walks into a bar and says to the bartender "ive no money but im really thirsty. if i show you my amazing dancing frog will you let me have a pint?" the bartender is a bit sceptical but he agrees to consider it if the frog is really that amazing. so the man fishes into his pocket and pulls out this frog which he places on to the bar. suddenly the frog jumps up and gives an amazing rendition of the can-can followed by a jig with a condensed ballet solo to finish. the bartender is so amazed he lets the man have a free pint. but then the man says "well im still thirsty, and youve already seen my frog, so how about i show you my amazing singing duck for another pint?" the bartender is a bit worryed about giving away beer free but he was so amazed by the frog he agrees. the man fishes about in his bag and pulls out a small green duck which he places on the bar next to the frog. suddenly the bar is filled with the most beautiful singing that the bartender has ever heard. about half an hour later it finally finishes and, wiping the tears from his eyes, the bartender gives the man 2 free pints, because he was even more impressed by the duck than the frog. not only that but everyone else in the bar is so overcome with emotion they all order extra beers for themselves and the man. later that evening the bartender takes the man aside and begs him to sell him the duck. the man ponders for a while and then says, "well alright then, you can have it for £100" the bartender gets the money straight away, grabs the duck from the bar and immediatly closes in order to get rid of the man before he changes his mind. another bloke who had seen all this came up to the first man and said "you fool! that duck could have made you millions and you just sold it!" to which the man replies " its all right, the frogs a ventriloquist."


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,bob
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 03:47 PM

It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done. It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it. Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy's yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed, "Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey's on fire!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Phil Cooper
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 01:28 PM

A man walks into a bar with the largest salamander imaginable. He says, "a beer for myself and one for my friend, Tiny?" "Tiny," says the bartender, "that's the largest amphibian I've ever seen.!" "Can't you tell it's my newt?"

Source Jeffrey Hoagland, someone who had us for a concert in New Jersey.


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 12:49 PM

"..but then it looked so good, I ate it myself"

"...you wanna open the beer bottle or not?"

"....he says he knows Mother"


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Morticia
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 12:27 PM

A rabbi, a priest and a vicar walk into a bar.The barman says" Is this some kind of a joke?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: sledge
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 12:17 PM

..........but Just one sheep I tell you.


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Micca
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 12:11 PM

"..... A Pineapple and a tube of KY Jelly"


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Morticia
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 12:00 PM

.........a roll of the ship!...it felt more like a roll of lino!


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 10:11 AM

Eat it madam? You hold it between your knees!

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Mbo
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 08:46 AM

Bob, my Dad is a Jerry Clower junkie, and he does that story really well, except in the end he says "When you have a pig that special, you only eat him one ham at a time..."

--Mbo


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Gervase
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 08:28 AM

"...and the vicar smiles wanly and says to the old poacher, 'Ah, but by the grace of God and a sharp stick, I was able to get it all back in again'."


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Dharmabum
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 08:12 AM

In the summer of 1962 Jonny arrives to pick up his date Becky. Becky's father answers the door & informs Jonny that his daughter is still getting ready & invites him in to wait."So what have you kids got planed for this evening?" the father asks. "we'll probably just go see a movie" Jonny says. "Why don't you go out & screw?"says the dad. Jonny can't believe his ears so he asks her father to repeat it. "Sure,Becky loves to screw,she'll do it all night if we let her". Jonny's really looking forward to this date now. Just then Becky comes downstairs in her poodle skirt&ponytail & she & Jonny leave. 20 minutes later Becky storms through the door, hair all messed up poodle skirt torn, " DAMNIT DADDY, THE TWIST, IT'S CALLED THE TWIST".


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Catrin
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 07:47 AM

QUESTION: How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

ANSWER: Fish


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 07:44 AM

Did you hear about the famous west coast spiritual medium with really bad breath?

She was a Supercaliforniapsychicextrahalitosis.


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Catrin
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 07:38 AM

A man walks into bar with a piece of tarmac on his shoulder. He says 'I'll have two pints please, one for myself, and one for the road.'


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Catrin
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 07:37 AM

A man walks into a bar

THUD!

(An iron bar!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Bob Schwarer
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 07:25 AM

One night a man walks into a bar with a pig. The bartender says to the man, "That's a great looking pig, but why does he have a wooden leg?"So the man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One night my house was on fire and he dragged me to safety. Saved my life."The bartender says. "Well, that's great. But why does he have a wooden leg?"The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. One time I was out sailing and the boat capsized. This pig swam me to safety. Saved my life."The bartender says, "That's really terrific, but why the wooden leg?"The man says, "Let me tell you about this pig. He is one special pig. Last week during an earthquake my house collapsed and my pig pulled me out. Saved my life."And finally the bartender says,"Wow, that is one special pig. He saved you from a fire, an earthquake and from drowning. But why does he have a wooden leg?"The man says, "When you have a pig this special you can't eat all of it at once."


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: kendall
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 05:52 AM

...sure, but if you stroke it, it turns into a suitcase..right Joan?


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Banjo Johnny
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 05:14 AM

(This joke has whiskers but maybe there are one or two kids who haven't heard it.)

A guy in an apartment building is practising the tuba very late at night, when someone knocks at the door. It's his neighbor in pajamas, looking pretty angry. "Say, do you know it's three o'clock in the morning and my old lady is having a fit?" --- "No, but ... hum a few bars and I'll fake it."


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: sledge
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 04:11 AM

A white horse walks into a bar and orders some beer.

The barman say's we have a drink in here named after you.

The horse looks at him and say's, what, Eric.


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: JenEllen
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 02:18 AM

They're Pinky and the Brain
Pinky and the Brain
One is a genius
The other's insane
To prove their mousey worth
They'll overthrow the Earth
They're dinky, they're Pinky and the Brain

Two lab mice that escape their cages at night and plot to take over the Earth. At the critical moment, smart mouse always says "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Banjo Johnny
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 02:06 AM

I don't get it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: JenEllen
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 01:56 AM

My fave one-liners are of Pinky and the Brain fame....

"Pinky, are you thinking what I'm thinking??"
"Yeah Brain, but burlap chafes me so...."
-or-
"Yeah Brain, but this time you put the pants on the monkeys..."

~Elle


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Gary T
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 12:54 AM

Why do you ask, Two Dogs F**king?


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,late 'n short
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 12:42 AM

or "Wrecked him? It nearly killed him!!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,late 'n short
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 12:37 AM

and " Hey Mister, your sign fell down!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Jul 00 - 12:12 AM

how about just the punch lines, like they used to do on "Laugh In"?...they'd refer to jokes you couldn't TELL on the air!

"well, Thursday's YOUR day in the barrel"

".. but sir, the men just use her to ride to town"

"the whole shovel full, Mr. Dillon"?

"...never get a room next to the elevator!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Mbo
Date: 21 Jul 00 - 11:41 PM

2 guys are in a restaurant, and after looking at the menu, they order. One guy orders the steak platter, the other guy orders the Oasis steak platter. After finishing dinner the one guy says, "Hey what was with the Oasis steak platter? It looked no different from what I had." The other guy says "No, mine was different...it had a roll with it."

--Matt


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Sorcha
Date: 21 Jul 00 - 11:34 PM

An Scotsman (or choose ethnic) walks into a bar with a large plastic sack under his arm. Bartender says
"HEY! Whazzat you got there?"
Oh, just a sack of C-4 explosive."
"Oh, thank goodness. I was afraid it was bagpipes!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Kristi
Date: 21 Jul 00 - 09:56 PM

A horse wanders into the local pub, goes up to the bar, the bartender comes over and says, why the long face?


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Amos
Date: 21 Jul 00 - 09:50 PM

Lady goes into a Cheapside doctor for treatment to a bite on her forearm. Doctor cleans it up and looks at it frowning. "This is strange -- it's too small for a horse, the wrong shape for a dog, and too big for a squirrel...."

"Oh, suh", she replies. "It warn't no ANimule! It were ANUVVER LYDY!"

But maybe you hadda been there.


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Fortunato
Date: 21 Jul 00 - 02:20 PM

So this (ethnicity of choice) woman goes to her doctor and this conversation takes place:

"Doctor, I'd like some of those contradictory pills." "Madame, you're ignorant", he says. "Yes, six months," she says.


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Phil Cooper
Date: 21 Jul 00 - 01:38 PM

Two older women (nationality of choice) are sitting on a park bench. Says one, "I hear young Mairi's getting married." Says the other, "I didn't know she was pregnant." Says the first, "She's not." Say's the other, "Swank!."


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Racer
Date: 21 Jul 00 - 03:47 AM

Once upon a time, someone figured out that we can get milk from cows. I was wondering: What was this guy doing when he figured that out?

-Racer


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Subject: RE: BS: Just a Joke
From: Chanteyranger
Date: 21 Jul 00 - 03:30 AM

Two women are in a queue in front of a liverpool movie theatre. They see a friend walk by and invite her to join them. The friend asks what movie they're going to see. They answer, "Moby Dick." "Oh," say's their friend, "I don't go in for all these movies about sex." The two women tell her "it's not a movie about sex. It's about whales." "Well," say's the friend, "I don't go in for these foreign films, either!"


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Subject: Just a Joke
From: GUEST,Banjo Johnny
Date: 21 Jul 00 - 03:12 AM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


New York. A police sergeant is preparing a rookie for his duties. "We're assigning you to the World Trade Center. Now, what would you do, if you have to arrest a Welshman?" Answer: "Call for backup!"

== Johnny


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Mudcat time: 15 July 3:20 PM EDT

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