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pun: Cowboy Joe

GUEST,judy 17 Aug 00 - 03:59 PM
jeffp 17 Aug 00 - 04:29 PM
Gary T 17 Aug 00 - 04:45 PM
MMario 17 Aug 00 - 04:51 PM
Sorcha 17 Aug 00 - 05:48 PM
Morticia 17 Aug 00 - 07:12 PM
Art Thieme 20 Aug 00 - 12:12 AM
Dave Swan 20 Aug 00 - 12:17 AM
Art Thieme 20 Aug 00 - 12:20 AM
Dave Swan 20 Aug 00 - 12:38 AM
GUEST,DocJohn 20 Aug 00 - 09:19 PM
ol'troll 21 Aug 00 - 01:05 AM
rangeroger 21 Aug 00 - 01:16 AM
GUEST,Crazy Eddie 21 Aug 00 - 06:30 AM
Ritchie 21 Aug 00 - 07:44 AM
Morticia 21 Aug 00 - 09:58 AM
Bill D 21 Aug 00 - 07:10 PM
Bill D 21 Aug 00 - 07:26 PM
Quincy 21 Aug 00 - 07:47 PM
Quincy 21 Aug 00 - 08:13 PM
Quincy 21 Aug 00 - 08:17 PM
GUEST,Colwyn Dane 22 Aug 00 - 07:48 AM
ol'troll 22 Aug 00 - 08:11 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 22 Aug 00 - 10:37 AM
GUEST 08 Jan 20 - 07:53 PM
Mrrzy 09 Jan 20 - 12:10 PM
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Subject: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: GUEST,judy
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 03:59 PM

This was so awful, I had to share it!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - -
An APB has been posted by Israeli police seeking Joseph Schwartz, a career criminal, on charges of looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect is described as the son of a Spanish ex-nun and a German father. Among other jobs, he sometimes plays the piccolo in orchestras, and occasionally works as a farmhand. In other words... he is a:

"Haifa lootin', flutin' Teuton, son of a nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe..."

enjoy!
judy


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: jeffp
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 04:29 PM

You're right, Judy, that IS awful. Thanks for sharing it!

jeffp


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Gary T
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 04:45 PM

All together now, "GROANNNN". I liked it!


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: MMario
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 04:51 PM

yup - you gotta love a pun that makes you want to gorget you ever heard it.


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Sorcha
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 05:48 PM

I hope Art sees this one, he'll love it! (If he doesn't already know it..........)


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Morticia
Date: 17 Aug 00 - 07:12 PM

There are a number of jokes like this which I adore; for example; an old-fashioned slave manned galleon is so big that the slaves rowing down one end can't keep time with the slaves down the other. The galley master invests in a drum to keep time but the slaves at the bottom still can't hear so they decide to move the drum into the middle of the ship where everyone can hear but ... the drum is huge ... how to do it? Eventually, after much cogitation (no, 'Spaw that is a perfectly legit word) they decide the easiest way to move it is by greasing the chests of the slaves, laying them side to side and rolling the drum along it and as they do so they sing ... We're rolling a gong on the chest of a slave


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Art Thieme
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 12:12 AM

I've been telling that one on stage for years. Mine involves A guy named Joseph who went looting and pillaging through the streets of Haifa and while doing that, shot Mayor Newton of that town dead. The police killed him. Digging into his past they found out that his mother had been in a convent in Barcelona and he had sometimes worked as a farm laborer. The caption under his photo in the paper said Haifa lootin' Newton shootin', son of a nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy, Joe.

Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure I put this into another thread a year or two ago...

Did ya ever hear the one with the punchline: transporting gulls across a sedate lion for immortal porpoises!? Now write a story to go with it and I'll let you know the one I tell with it.

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Dave Swan
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 12:17 AM

Art,

You're probably aware that you should never put all of your Basques in one exit.

Dave


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Art Thieme
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 12:20 AM

Tomorrow I'm doing the first gig I've taken/done in over 3 years. No music lately, but I'll be tellin' tall tales with Dan Keding at a very historic town here in Illinois called Bishop Hill. The folks there are nice enough to come and haul me there. I just might tell this one. It's a stretch to call the big pun tales tall tales, but what the hell. In these times of "everything is folk" I guess I can do whatever I want. Right?

Art Thieme


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Dave Swan
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 12:38 AM

Hell yes, tell a stretcher, answer a story with a story. Seems like folk to me. Besides which, Art, your credentials are pretty solid.

You realize that now we're steering dangerously near a "what is folk?" discussion, the kind of thing which could get us tarred and feathered.


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Subject: here's one from a new comer (forgive me please)
From: GUEST,DocJohn
Date: 20 Aug 00 - 09:19 PM

As you may know, Gandhi was a very wise man. But in his sect, he had given all possessions away and lived on what he could find or was given through the kindness of people he met along the way. He walked barefoot and so his soles were quite thick, he didn't eat well so his health was questionable, he was a very well respected member of his sect, and, again because he ate awful food, he had the worst breath. In short, he was a super-callused fragile mystic with chronic halitosis.

regards

John


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: ol'troll
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 01:05 AM

Th' king needed to get a treaty thru to the next kingdom so he sent his best knight. He didn't get thru. Th' king tried again with another knight. Same story. Fearing a war if the treaty wasn't signed, the king decided to take it himself; just him and his entourage. As they were riding thru the woods, suddenly a giant yellow hand appeared out of nowhere and flattened the guards in front. The mystery was solved but how to get by? Then the king's little page-boy offered to try, saying that he was small and perhaps the hand wouldn't notice him. The king was loath (good word that) to risk the boy's life but soon realized that he had little choice. So he handed the lad the treaty and he started off. But alas the hand appeared and struck at the boy. And missed! Running and dodging, the lad made it past the giant hand, got the treaty thru and war was averted. (huzzah)

Thr moral is, that you should always let your pages do the walking thru the yellow fingers.

troll

this is nowhere near the worst one I know so beware.


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: rangeroger
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 01:16 AM

An indian chief had 3 wives.
One slept on an elk skin,one slept on a buffalo skin, and the third slept on a hippo skin.
The wives on the elk and buffalo skin each had one baby, while the wife on the hippo skin had twins.

This demonstrates the formula; that the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.

rr


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: GUEST,Crazy Eddie
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 06:30 AM

Then there was a wealthy butcher who bought a cattle ranch for his twin boys. They couldn't agree a name for the ranch, so they asked him for a suggestion. He suggested they call it the FOCUS ranch. Why? 'Cos the FOCUS is where the sun's rays meet. [sons raise meat]

And those of you familir with a certain washing-up liquid won't want to know about the rare light-green moustached sea creature...........Yes, it's a mild green hairy-lipped squid.


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Ritchie
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 07:44 AM

I'm sure there was a thread about Kermit 'the frog' Jagger wanting a bank loan. That's my fav' if it does n't come up I'll post it.

regards ritchie


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Morticia
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 09:58 AM

Or the one about the famous and glamourous debutante of the year, Nellie Otwhistle ... pursued furiously by all the eligible bachelors in London, the most persistent of whom was Sir Gus De Vere. Sadly, he was wasting his time as Nellie lived only to sail, and would take to the water in every kind of craft known to man rather than spend the night dancing and feasting like the other young women.

One tragic night, the young man pleaded and begged with our heroine as she stood in a flat bottomed boat, but impervious she slowly zig-zagged away...... Nellie the debutante tacked her punt and said good-bye to the Sir Gus (heeheeeheee)


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 07:10 PM

that one Art started should say..

"transporting gulls across a STAID lion for immortal porpoises"...but it IS a wonderful story...

so, folks...there is a MONUMENTAL collection of this sort of thing, as I found out when I searched for "Ferdinand Feghoot"...a monthly feature(by Grendel Briarton)in the old 'Fantasy & Science Fiction' mag ...it seems to have become a generic category, and the collection has been copied on several web pages....

here is one list

it includes such things as

Variations heard on a country folk song:

"Wry whimsy, wry whimsy,
Wry whimsy," I cry.
"If I don't get wry whimsy,
I surely will die."


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Bill D
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 07:26 PM

and here is the way it used to be done!.... a classic


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Quincy
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 07:47 PM

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home.
The bartender knew this and would always have the drink waiting at 5:00.
One afternoon as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnuts.
Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his usual time, took one sip of the drink, and said,
"Why, this isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, Doc."

--Yvonne


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Quincy
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 08:13 PM

One day Freddy Frog wanted to get a bank loan. So he walked into the bank, and sat down at the loan officer's desk.

"I'd like a loan, please," said Freddie Frog to Patty Black, the loan officer.
"What do you have as collateral for the loan?" asked Patty Black.

"Well, I have this," replied Freddie Frog, taking an object out of his pocket and placing it on Patty Black's desk.

Patty picked up the object and looked at closely. "What is it?" she asked Freddie Frog.
"Why it's a knick-knack!" he replied.

Patty Black wasn't sure what to do. She was fairly new to her job as loan officer, and she didn't know if she could take a knick-knack as collateral for a loan.
She decided she'd better ask the bank manager what to do.

"Excuse me for a moment," she said to Freddie Frog, "I must ask the bank manager if we can accept your knick-knack as collateral for your loan."

"I'll wait right here," said Freddie Frog.

Patty Black walked over to the bank manager's office, and sat down at his desk. "I have a customer at my desk asking for a loan," she said to the bank manager.

"Who is the customer?" the bank manager asked.

"His name is Freddie Frog," she replied.
"Well you are the loan officer," said the bank manager, "Shouldn't he come to you for a loan?"

"Yes," replied Patty Black, "but that's not the problem."

"Well, what is it?" asked the bank manager, starting to get a little annoyed.
The bank manager had a short temper and was easily annoyed.

"It's the collateral he wants to use for the loan that's the problem," said Patty Black.
"He wants to use this." She showed Freddie Frog's knick-knack to the bank manager.

The bank manager looked at the knick-knack and said,

"It's a knick-knack, Patty Black, give the frog a loan!"

Sad but had to do it!!!......Yvonne


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Quincy
Date: 21 Aug 00 - 08:17 PM

And lastly.......for now!!!!

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing there recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" They asked, as they moved off.

"Because," he said, " I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

best wishes, Yvonne


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: GUEST,Colwyn Dane
Date: 22 Aug 00 - 07:48 AM

G'day,

Thomas Beecham had heard that Malcolm Sargent, whose nickname was 'Flash Harry', was conducting concerts in Japan:

"Ah-ha! - Flash in Japan."

Toodle-pip.


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: ol'troll
Date: 22 Aug 00 - 08:11 AM

When Lord Kitchner was in Egypt preparing to try to save Gordon at Khartoum (he failed, but thats another story) he contracted a rare and seemingly untreatable skin condition that drove him to the brink of madness and beyond.

As he was a military hero, this was kept a secret. Upon his return to England, the madness deepned and he became convinced that the monarchy must be overthrown and a military dictatorship set up to run the empire.

His every moove was monitored and loyal subjects were recruited to be part of his cabal as the scientists of the day searched franticly for a cure.

At last one was found and Lord Kitchner's sanity restored.

Of course the entire case was surrounded by secrecy and it is only with the recent release of certain documents by MI-5 that any light has been shed of the affair.

Prior to this, the only hint of the problem was to be found on the code name given the file by MI-5 and that only appeared as a nonsense phrase used with small children.

It was known as the "Itchy Kitchy Coup."

troll


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 22 Aug 00 - 10:37 AM

Just as well we refurbished the Art Thieme Pun Clinic at the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed, I can see we've a new crop of out-patients.
We had trouble with a bunch of German patients, they were so earnest, never smiled. In the end I said, exasperated;"God, jest me, Gerry mentalmen."
The stitches come out next week.
RtS


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 07:53 PM

Love it


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Subject: RE: pun: Cowboy Joe
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jan 20 - 12:10 PM

SONS of the squaws of the other 2 hides.


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