How To Sing the Blues

Subject: How To Sing the Blues
From: Peter T.
Date: 21 Aug 97 - 05:31 PM

Courtesy of Holly Wichman of Idaho via e-mail:

HOW TO SING THE BLUES
(attrib. to Memphis Earlene Gray
with help from Uncle Plunky)
by way of Henry Sapoznik

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

2. "Gots a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I gots a good woman (harmonica fleedle)
With the meanest dog in town.

3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Gots a good woman
With the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
And he weigh 'bout 500 pound.

Gots a job
Keeps me travelin' all the time
'Planes and meetin's
Never see those friends of mine

Lives on the left coast
Got to go 3,000 miles
Just to get to the right coast
And see them great big smiles

Lord, I left them
Left them all behind
Now I miss 'em
Miss em' like that ole sunshine

No, wait jes' a minute
I live in ole CA
Gots plenty of sun
Shines every god damn day

4. The blues are not about limitless choice or opportunity.

5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation: Greyhound bus or southbound trains. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die (or fixin' to start).

6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues -- adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:

a. Violet
b. Beige
c. Mauve

9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is all wrong.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. The highway
b. The jailhouse
c. The empty bed
d. That lonely road
e. A bar

Bad places:

a. Ashrams
b. Gallery openings
c. Weekend in the Hamptons
d. The Eastern Shore
e. The Hill

11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

12. Do you have the right to sing the blues?

Yes, if:

a. Your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b. You're blind
c. You shot a man in Memphis.
d. You can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. You were once blind but now can see.
b. You're deaf
c. You have a trust fund

13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues. Or Perry Como, Captain Kangaroo...

14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other acceptable blues beverages are:

a. "Wine" (in the class of: Night Train, Red Lady 21, Ripple)
b. Irish whiskey
c. Muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:

a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

15. If occurring in a cheap motel, bar, under a bridge or in a shack behind the truck stop, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment.

16. Some blues names for women

a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie

Some women's names NOT for the blues

a. Muffy
b. Amanda
c. Any name given by Frank Zappa

17. Some blues names for men

a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Lightnin'

Some men's names NOT for the blues

a. Scooter
b. Jose (or Hose B)
c. Name of any member of Congress (exception Jesse)

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

17B. Other blues names (starter kit, add your own here)

a. Adjective: physical characteristic or infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic, Smilin')
b. Name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, Melon) or nocturnal animal (Bat, Owl, Possum)
c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)

(And so on)...

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Peter T.
Date: 21 Aug 97 - 05:34 PM

Sorry about the spacing, but you get the drift!

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From:
Date: 21 Aug 97 - 05:44 PM

Thank God someone finally wrote an instruction manual.

There's a long-running Heineken beer advertising campaign in the UK (can't remember if it ever found it's way to the US or Canada) with the slogan, "Heineken refreshes the parts other beers cannot reach." A few years ago, they did a commercial that started out with a stereotypical black blues-singer sort of fellow sitting on his front porch, dog sleeping at his feet, trying to play the blues on his guitar (the man, that is, not the dog). He picks a bit, and sings,

"Woke up this morning, and the sun was shining down on me..."

He looks frustrated, and exclaims, "Dang! That ain't the blues!" And I think he tries a few more verses, but they all come out happy (He's got a good woman, etcetera.)

Then he pops open a bottle of Heineken and takes a swig. Immediately, he hears a thunderclap. The skies grow dark and it starts raining. His dog bites him and runs away. His wife comes out of the house, slams the screen door and throws a frying pan at his head, shouting, "...and I ain't never coming back!"

He starts pickin' away, singing, "Woke up this morning, was trouble as far as I could see..." He loooks quite pleased, and says something like, "yeah! Now THAT'S the blues!"

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Earl
Date: 21 Aug 97 - 05:53 PM

I can't remember who sang it, but here's the world's shortest blues song:

I didn't wake up this mornin

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Sleepy Jon (Jon W.)
Date: 21 Aug 97 - 06:05 PM

This is as good place as any to post the following lyrics. I sang this at a church talent show and got a lot of laughs. It's based on a Gary Larson Far Side cartoon which shows a trio of frogs on stage in a smoky night club, bass, piano and guitar/vocalist (not to be confused with singer/songwriter). The first six lines are Gary's, the rest I had to fill in.

My baby's left my lily pad,
My legs were both deep-fried,
I eat flies all day, and when I'm gone
They'll stick me in formaldehyde
Oh, I got the greeeeeeens
I got the greens real baaaaad
And if you ever had 'em
you wish you never had

The first time I got the greens
Was when I lost my little pollywog
I was just a little tadpole
But I thought I was a big bullfrog
Now my little pollywog
She treated me like a prince
But when I grew up I lost my tail
and I haven't had any since
But I've had the greeeeeeens
Ever since I lost my gills
And if you never had 'em
You better hope you never will

I may be a big bullfrog
But I feel just like a toad
I gonna leave this hard luck pond
Yeah, hop on down the road
'Cause I got the greeeeens
I got a baaaad case of the greeeeens
And if you ever had 'em, good people
well you know just what I mean

Sung to the tune, more or less, of Hoochie Coochie Man.

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From:
Date: 22 Aug 97 - 11:24 AM

I don't know if anyone remembers the cartoonist B. Kliban. He specialized in fat tabby cats. Anyway, I have a coffeemug featuring one of his cartoons, which is a fat tabby cat sitting on a stool with a guitar, singing:

Love to eat them mousies

Mousies what I love to eat

Bite they little heads off

Nibble on they tiny feet

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Aug 97 - 07:07 PM

Heiniken?? I was sure that beer was Watney's!!

"Drinking Watney's leads to tears, I shall teach, I shall teachbr> Drinking Watney's leads to tears, I shall teach
Drinking Watney's leads to tears, and the falling off of ears
And the parts that other beers cannot reach, cannot reach."

(part of song about Van Gough [Goff])I'll post the rest as soon as I reconstruct it.

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 22 Aug 97 - 08:03 PM

BillD- Dinna fash yersel'. It's already in the database (search for Van Gogh).As a matter of fact, for all you lovers of impressionist painting and sunflowers, there's a second Van Gogh song there--same search will find it.

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Rodney Rawlings
Date: 22 Aug 97 - 10:24 PM

This is the most hilarious thread I've read yet! I should say that I find it funny because it pokes fun at just how bad blues songs mostly are! Uninteresting melodies, stereotyped lyrics, and, for me, an unsympathetic view of life.

http://www.druid.net/~rodney
"Music, Melody, and Songs"

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Jerry Friedman
Date: 23 Aug 97 - 02:02 PM

Don't forget high-self-esteem blues:

If for some reason you're feeling good about yourself (possibly only for marketing reasons), you can compare yourself to:

a. the Devil

b. a king or queen

c. a mama or daddy

d. a voodoo child

You can not compare yourself to

a. an executive vice-president

b. a prom king or queen

c. a breeder of champion Yorkshire terriers

d. a quiz kid

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Aug 97 - 05:23 PM

I know next to nothing about the blues....so....

Talking Nothing Blues

I looked from the porch to the top of the wall,
Nothing was there-nothing at all.
Nothing at all in any degree..
A predominance of vacancy.

There's a man in this town goin' around
Spreadin' nothin' all over the ground-
Heard some passing people say,
"All that nothin' gets in the way....
.....oughta be a law"...

Well I went downtown, some nothin' to buy;
...Pile in the window,'bout 40 feet high..
The man in the store, he smile and say,
"We got plenty of nothin' today..
All vacuum-packed!"

Well, this song was written with nothin' in mind-
Nothin' at all of any kind...
Nothin' at all in any respect...
We was aided by a poverty of intellect.

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Jon W.
Date: 25 Aug 97 - 10:14 AM

I've got to take exception to Rodney's unflattering view of blues music! I'm afraid if you want innovative melodies and original lyrics, you've come to the wrong web site. This is folk music. As for an "unsympathetic view of life," I find the blues full of wry humor, triumph over adversity, and cautious (but not cockeyed) optimism. People who are really clinically depressed typically don't go around singing about it. It takes a sensitive and empathetic soul to sing the blues.

Now back to the funny stuff:

You find the blues:
A) All around your head
B) All around your bed
C) in your (breakfast) bread

Things the blues are:
A) A low down achin' heart disease
B) A low down shakin' chill
c) A good man feelin' bad

When you encounter the blues, proper etiquette requires one or more of the following:
A) Fall down on your bended knees
B) Say "Good morning Mr. Blues"
C) Offer to shake hands

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From:
Date: 08 Sep 97 - 08:46 PM

.

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Bob Clayton
Date: 09 Sep 97 - 04:47 PM

Couple of comments about the blues:

Terriible opening lines for a blues:

I got me a good woman,
But my man don't want her 'round.


And that "ultimate blues" -- the one-liner -- is getting longer:

I didn't wake up this morning,
Didn't get out of my bed,
But when I didn't miss my baby
Is when I KNEW that I was dead!

Got them never-no-mo', done-dead for sho' Blues.

(from a work in progress).

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Frank in the swamps
Date: 10 Sep 97 - 12:01 AM

Gonna find me that Rodney, last name of Rawling.

Gonna find me that Rodney, last name of Rawling.

Gonna give him a case of blues, so bad it leave him crawling.

Ooh you come to a bad place to bad mouth the blues buddy! But in the spirit of good fun, I'll agree that most songs in any genre ain't too good. I love the blues, I suspect you haven't passed the bottle & guitar around at a good blues jam. I'll leave you with one more lyric about kicking somebody's backside for an affront. It's from a bluesman who lives in West Virginia, I believe the piedmont area, his name is John Jackson,

"... I took my rusty razor out of my pocket and carved enough meat off of his head to feed all the dogs in town..."

Frank.

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: LaMarca
Date: 10 Sep 97 - 06:23 PM

Hi, Frank - John Jackson is OUR hometown bluesman from the Washington, DC area (she says with all the pride of a DC suburban native of 15 years). Actually, he's from the little Northern Virginia town of Fairfax Station, where he was employed as a gravedigger for many years. Now if that's not a profession to give one the blues, I don't know what else is!

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Frank in the swamps
Date: 11 Sep 97 - 02:41 PM

LaMarca, Thanks for setting me straight. I met him one time in Elkins, West Virginia, at the Augusta Heritage Festival. I probably passed one too many bottles with those guitars. He's a marvelous bluesman, after giving a concert one evening, he played out on the street taking requests and chatting with folks for hours.

Yours, Frank.

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Easy Rider
Date: 02 Aug 99 - 10:06 AM

I'm refreshing this thread for the people, at BBC's this Saturday, who asked for it.

EZR

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Bert
Date: 02 Aug 99 - 10:30 AM

EZR!!! Stop bragging about going to bbc's place. I couldn't make it and I'm still pretty pissed off about it. So don't keep rubbing it in!!!

Bert :-(

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Roger the zimmer
Date: 02 Aug 99 - 10:40 AM

Loved JonW's lyrics, I had that cartoon as a birthday card once & felt sure it could be developed into a song but, of course, inertia won & I didn't do anything about it.
I may sing it to the frogs in my pond tonight.
Most frogs go "Ribbit"[only classical Greek frogs go "brekkity brek, coax, coax"] mine croak "less, less, geroff, shurrup" and head off into the vegetable patch to eat slugs (I hope) when I sing to them.

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: LEJ
Date: 02 Aug 99 - 12:49 PM

I don't think anyone can really sing the Blues unless he or she woke up at least one time with bullfrogs on their mind. And I don't mean any get-rich quick schemes involving bull frog farming, or purchasing bull frog futures. It helps if you live near a swamp and sleep with the window open. It is almost impossible to wake up with bull frogs on your mind if you have an air conditioner in your bedroom. If you DO wake up with them, other members of your family, especially your Granpaw, will tend to have them too. The best way to get rid of them , as well as other assorted Blues-related afflictions, is to "go to Chicago" if you are living in the country, or conversely, to "go to the country" if you are living in Chicago. If you leave, you need to ask your girlfriend if she will go with you. If she won't go, it is perfectly acceptable in the Blues Ethic to invite her sister, or some other member of her family.

That's all for now. I need to go dust my broom...LEJ

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Brian Hoskin
Date: 03 Aug 99 - 04:56 AM

BTW the 'stereotypical black blues-singer sort of fellow' featured in the Heineken adverts was the actual black blues-singer Lonnie Brooks.

Brian

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Roger in Baltimore
Date: 03 Aug 99 - 06:15 AM

Ah, yes. My favorite confusing blues verse.

Did you ever wake up with a bull frog on your, a bull frog on your, I mean mind?
Did you ever wake up with a bull frog on your mind?
That's a sure sign baby that bull frog's on your mind.

So true, so true.

Freud would have been proud.

Roger in Baltimore

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Brian Hoskin
Date: 03 Aug 99 - 09:32 AM

Yes, but perhaps the Bullfrog on your mind could do something about the grasshoppers in your pillow . . .?

Brian

Subject: Lyr Add: ULTIMATE BLUES (Clayton/Kraemer/Duncan^^^
From: Songster Bob
Date: 03 Aug 99 - 11:00 AM

Here's the complete text of "Ultimate Blues," alluded to earlier (by me, in response to another poster). I offer it as proof that some folks just won't leave well enough alone.

I also thank my co-writers for some of the best lines:

ULTIMATE BLUES

Didn't get up this morning,
Didn't even get out of bed.
But when I didn't miss my baby
Is when I knew that I was dead.

Didn't make no coffee,
Didn't look down in my cup.
Didn't say "Good mornin'!" to the blues,
'Cause I never did wake up!

CHORUS: I got them never no mo', done dead for sho' Blues!

Didn't drink no whiskey fo' breakfast,
No red wine jus' before bed,
Didn't end the day by bein' dead drunk,
'Cause I started it bein' dead.

Didn't place no bet on the ponies,
And I don't know which is worse --
To find your horse come in dead last
Or to find out you're dead first. CHORUS

Now, I cried when my baby left me,
But it didn't do no good.
But I missed her till my dyin' day,
Just like I said I would!

Didn't take no train to Memphis,
The place I left to roam,
But I'll ride there in my coffin --
Jes' been dyin' to go home. CHORUS

They'll bury me tomorrow,
Let me rest these weary bones
But I'd rather not wake up at all,
Than keep waking up alone.

Now, when I face my maker at judgment,
I know just what I'll do.
Tell him I lived until I died,
It was all from missin' you. CHORUS

Didn't get up this morning,
Didn't even get out of my bed.
But when I didn't miss my baby
Is when I knew that I was dead! CHORUS (twice, if you'd like)

Copyright 1997, Bob Clayton, Pete Kraemer, & Donald Duncan. All rights reserved.

HTML line breaks added. --JoeClone, 29-Aug-02.

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Alice
Date: 03 Aug 99 - 11:11 AM

There is also a 'blues' version of the Folger's coffee commercial running right now... happy blues oxymoron? 'The best part of waking up is Folger's in your cup'... I had to laugh when I saw the Irish step dance version of the Folger's coffee commercial. Yeah, gotta drink alot of coffee to get those feet tappin fast.

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: The Burren Rabger
Date: 03 Aug 99 - 01:28 PM

Slow Blues (in EM)

"Woke up this mornin' Woke up yesterday mornin' too, and if I wake up tommorow mornin' that'll be three days in a row."

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Alice
Date: 03 Aug 99 - 08:59 PM

Alice's measure of success, I woke up this mornin'.

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Easy Rider
Date: 16 Nov 99 - 11:10 AM

Here we go. Now THIS defines the Blues!

Subject: Lyr Add: DEAD WILLIE BLUES (Mike Cross)^^
From: JL in Ozland
Date: 16 Nov 99 - 06:43 PM

You guys are all plagarizing! [g] Anybody know this one?
Don't know who wrote it, but I heard Mike Cross do it at the Walnut Valley Music Festival in Winfield KS a couple years back--ladies, pay particular attention to the last verse.

DEAD WILLIE BLUES
(Mike Cross)

I did not wake up this mornin'
I did not get out of bed
I looked down from the ceiling,
And I saw that I was dead...I got those...
CHORUS:
Dead Willie Blues,
Old Dead Willie Blues--
Well, how long have I had 'em?
These old Dead Willie Blues.

My wife called from the kitchen
Said "Get up, it's time for work."
Then she came in here and found me
Lyin' cold and dead as dirt. With them...
CHORUS

The doctor came to see me
And then he told my wife,
"I think he's dead," but my wife said,
"He's like this every night!" I got them...
CHORUS

Undertaker came to get me
And my wife said through her tears,
"I wish you wouldn't haul him off
He ain't been this stiff in years!" He's had them...
CHORUS


Sorta sums it up, don't you think?

^^

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From:
Date: 17 Nov 99 - 04:12 AM

In case all the information in this thread makes you feel smug about knowing the blues, let me introduce a word of caution. Son House says, "I went into my room and I sat down and cried. I didn't have the blues, I was just not satisfied." Make sure you know the difference before you pick up that guitar!

By the way, unless I missed it, nobody mentioned the important prerequisite that the sun has gotta intend to shine in your back door some day if you want to be a real blues singer.

Murray

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Roger the skiffler
Date: 17 Nov 99 - 05:20 AM

Re: "Woke up this morning"
I liked the quote attributed to Keith Richard at an MTV music awards ceremony held at 3pm: "I don't normally get up this early in the morning" !

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 21 Jul 00 - 08:11 PM

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 06:28 PM

anybody know the provenance of the "Rich Man's Blues"?

"woke up this morning, saw both cars were gone
woke up this morning, saw both cars were gone
got so goddamn angry
threw my drink across the lawn"

I may have written this myself, but I don't think it's one of mine ...

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: GUEST,Bob Ryszkiewicz
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 07:08 PM

Murray: The song is called "Straight Talk about the Blues/Ukelele Blues" by Martin Mull...and not Rich Man's Blues...Keep tryin', there's at least one hit in everybody...

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: GUEST,Bob Ryszkiewicz
Date: 20 Dec 07 - 07:27 PM

And ukulele is NOT spelled ukelele...,BUT, ukelele SOUNDS more like u-ke-le-le
than ukulele...There. I feel better...

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: bankley
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 08:52 AM

"You must be deaf or stupid, cuz I needs to say everything twice
you must be deaf or stupid, cuz I needs to say everything two times"

...... fill in the rest....

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: Mr Happy
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 09:17 AM

First line of the blues. [Richard Stilgoe]


Oh the first line of the blues is always sung a second time
First line of the blues is always sung a second time So by the time you get to the third line you've had time to think up a rhyme.

Oh there ain't no law that says
the third line has to be different at all.
No, no, there ain't no law that says
the third line has to be different at all.
No there ain't no law that says
the third line has to be different at all.

Never borrow a mouth organ
- not even from your best friend.
No, no, no, never borrow a mouth organ
- not even from your best friend.
'Cos you may survive the blowing,
but the sucking's gonna get you in the end. Oh yeah!

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 10:29 AM

Thanks to whoever refreshed this. I've enjoyed some real chuckles here.

How about 'Chicken Cordon Blues'? Steve Goodman recorded it, but I don't know if he wrote it.

When I first met you, baby,
you fed me chicken and wine.
Steak and potatoes,
baby it sure was fine.

Now all you feed me is the
seaweed and the alfalfa sprouts -
sunflower seeds and I got my doubts.
I'm a regular fella, and I got the
Chicken Cordon Blues.

Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues
From: GUEST,Bob Ryszkiewicz
Date: 21 Dec 07 - 12:30 PM

Hi Kids!: WARNING WARNING WARNING...Blues song in process of being written as we speak!

HUNDAY MONDAY   (A "Hunday" is whatever you want it to be...)

I bought a Hunday on a Monday,
Tuesday, the wife refused me...
Wednesday I went lookin' for a job...
Thursday wass da worst day
My Brand New Boss just turfed me,
Friday, I was back in the bar.
Saturday a bad day,
MassaCard said "No Way,"
Sunday I was talkin' to the Lawd..
If it keeps this way a goin',
My cheeks will soon be showin',
Through the jeans that I borrowed from my son..

{Chorus}
Well it's just a Hunday Monday, and I haven't had a fun day,
Since back about '83..
Long as I got this here geetar,
One day I'll be a big star,
And the feedback will be feedin' me...

Outro: Long guitar break...

Copyright 2007 Bob Ryszkiewicz