Subject: How To Sing the Blues From: Peter T. Date: 21 Aug 97 - 05:31 PM Courtesy of Holly Wichman of Idaho via e-mail:
HOW TO SING THE BLUES 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning." 2. "Gots a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.
With the meanest dog in town.
With the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher And he weigh 'bout 500 pound.
Gots a job
Lives on the left coast
Lord, I left them
No, wait jes' a minute 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation: Greyhound bus or southbound trains. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die (or fixin' to start). 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues -- adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
b. Beige c. Mauve 10. Good places for the Blues:
b. The jailhouse c. The empty bed d. That lonely road e. A bar
b. Gallery openings c. Weekend in the Hamptons d. The Eastern Shore e. The Hill 12. Do you have the right to sing the blues? Yes, if:
b. You're blind c. You shot a man in Memphis. d. You can't be satisfied
b. You're deaf c. You have a trust fund 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other acceptable blues beverages are:
b. Irish whiskey c. Muddy water
b. Any wine kosher for Passover c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors) 16. Some blues names for women
b. Big Mama c. Bessie
b. Amanda c. Any name given by Frank Zappa
b. Willie c. Little Willie d. Lightnin'
b. Jose (or Hose B) c. Name of any member of Congress (exception Jesse) 17B. Other blues names (starter kit, add your own here)
b. Name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, Melon) or nocturnal animal (Bat, Owl, Possum) c. Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Peter T. Date: 21 Aug 97 - 05:34 PM Sorry about the spacing, but you get the drift! |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: rechal@earthlink.net Date: 21 Aug 97 - 05:44 PM Thank God someone finally wrote an instruction manual.
There's a long-running Heineken beer advertising campaign in the UK (can't remember if it ever found it's way to the US or Canada) with the slogan, "Heineken refreshes the parts other beers cannot reach." A few years ago, they did a commercial that started out with a stereotypical black blues-singer sort of fellow sitting on his front porch, dog sleeping at his feet, trying to play the blues on his guitar (the man, that is, not the dog). He picks a bit, and sings,
"Woke up this morning, and the sun was shining down on me..."
He looks frustrated, and exclaims, "Dang! That ain't the blues!" And I think he tries a few more verses, but they all come out happy (He's got a good woman, etcetera.)
Then he pops open a bottle of Heineken and takes a swig. Immediately, he hears a thunderclap. The skies grow dark and it starts raining. His dog bites him and runs away. His wife comes out of the house, slams the screen door and throws a frying pan at his head, shouting, "...and I ain't never coming back!"
He starts pickin' away, singing, "Woke up this morning, was trouble as far as I could see..." He loooks quite pleased, and says something like, "yeah! Now THAT'S the blues!" |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Earl Date: 21 Aug 97 - 05:53 PM I can't remember who sang it, but here's the world's shortest blues song: I didn't wake up this mornin |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Sleepy Jon (Jon W.) Date: 21 Aug 97 - 06:05 PM This is as good place as any to post the following lyrics. I sang this at a church talent show and got a lot of laughs. It's based on a Gary Larson Far Side cartoon which shows a trio of frogs on stage in a smoky night club, bass, piano and guitar/vocalist (not to be confused with singer/songwriter). The first six lines are Gary's, the rest I had to fill in.
My baby's left my lily pad, Sung to the tune, more or less, of Hoochie Coochie Man. |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: rechal@earthlink.net Date: 22 Aug 97 - 11:24 AM I don't know if anyone remembers the cartoonist B. Kliban. He specialized in fat tabby cats. Anyway, I have a coffeemug featuring one of his cartoons, which is a fat tabby cat sitting on a stool with a guitar, singing:
Love to eat them mousies
Mousies what I love to eat
Bite they little heads off
Nibble on they tiny feet |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Bill D Date: 22 Aug 97 - 07:07 PM Heiniken?? I was sure that beer was Watney's!!
"Drinking Watney's leads to tears, I shall teach, I shall teachbr> Drinking Watney's leads to tears, I shall teach (part of song about Van Gough [Goff])I'll post the rest as soon as I reconstruct it. |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: dick greenhaus Date: 22 Aug 97 - 08:03 PM BillD- Dinna fash yersel'. It's already in the database (search for Van Gogh).As a matter of fact, for all you lovers of impressionist painting and sunflowers, there's a second Van Gogh song there--same search will find it. |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Rodney Rawlings Date: 22 Aug 97 - 10:24 PM This is the most hilarious thread I've read yet! I should say that I find it funny because it pokes fun at just how bad blues songs mostly are! Uninteresting melodies, stereotyped lyrics, and, for me, an unsympathetic view of life. "Music, Melody, and Songs" |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Jerry Friedman Date: 23 Aug 97 - 02:02 PM Don't forget high-self-esteem blues: If for some reason you're feeling good about yourself (possibly only for marketing reasons), you can compare yourself to: a. the Devil b. a king or queen c. a mama or daddy d. a voodoo child You can not compare yourself to a. an executive vice-president b. a prom king or queen c. a breeder of champion Yorkshire terriers d. a quiz kid
|
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Bill D Date: 23 Aug 97 - 05:23 PM I know next to nothing about the blues....so.... Talking Nothing Blues
I looked from the porch to the top of the wall,
There's a man in this town goin' around
Well I went downtown, some nothin' to buy;
Well, this song was written with nothin' in mind- |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Jon W. Date: 25 Aug 97 - 10:14 AM I've got to take exception to Rodney's unflattering view of blues music! I'm afraid if you want innovative melodies and original lyrics, you've come to the wrong web site. This is folk music. As for an "unsympathetic view of life," I find the blues full of wry humor, triumph over adversity, and cautious (but not cockeyed) optimism. People who are really clinically depressed typically don't go around singing about it. It takes a sensitive and empathetic soul to sing the blues. Now back to the funny stuff:
You find the blues:
Things the blues are:
When you encounter the blues, proper etiquette requires one or more of the following: |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Date: 08 Sep 97 - 08:46 PM . |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Bob Clayton Date: 09 Sep 97 - 04:47 PM Couple of comments about the blues: Terriible opening lines for a blues: I got me a good woman, But my man don't want her 'round. And that "ultimate blues" -- the one-liner -- is getting longer: I didn't wake up this morning, Didn't get out of my bed, But when I didn't miss my baby Is when I KNEW that I was dead! Got them never-no-mo', done-dead for sho' Blues. (from a work in progress). |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Frank in the swamps Date: 10 Sep 97 - 12:01 AM Gonna find me that Rodney, last name of Rawling. Gonna find me that Rodney, last name of Rawling. Gonna give him a case of blues, so bad it leave him crawling. Ooh you come to a bad place to bad mouth the blues buddy! But in the spirit of good fun, I'll agree that most songs in any genre ain't too good. I love the blues, I suspect you haven't passed the bottle & guitar around at a good blues jam. I'll leave you with one more lyric about kicking somebody's backside for an affront. It's from a bluesman who lives in West Virginia, I believe the piedmont area, his name is John Jackson, "... I took my rusty razor out of my pocket and carved enough meat off of his head to feed all the dogs in town..." Frank. |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: LaMarca Date: 10 Sep 97 - 06:23 PM Hi, Frank - John Jackson is OUR hometown bluesman from the Washington, DC area (she says with all the pride of a DC suburban native of 15 years). Actually, he's from the little Northern Virginia town of Fairfax Station, where he was employed as a gravedigger for many years. Now if that's not a profession to give one the blues, I don't know what else is! |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Frank in the swamps Date: 11 Sep 97 - 02:41 PM LaMarca, Thanks for setting me straight. I met him one time in Elkins, West Virginia, at the Augusta Heritage Festival. I probably passed one too many bottles with those guitars. He's a marvelous bluesman, after giving a concert one evening, he played out on the street taking requests and chatting with folks for hours. Yours, Frank. |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Easy Rider Date: 02 Aug 99 - 10:06 AM I'm refreshing this thread for the people, at BBC's this Saturday, who asked for it. EZR |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Bert Date: 02 Aug 99 - 10:30 AM EZR!!! Stop bragging about going to bbc's place. I couldn't make it and I'm still pretty pissed off about it. So don't keep rubbing it in!!! Bert :-( |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Roger the zimmer Date: 02 Aug 99 - 10:40 AM Loved JonW's lyrics, I had that cartoon as a birthday card once & felt sure it could be developed into a song but, of course, inertia won & I didn't do anything about it. I may sing it to the frogs in my pond tonight. Most frogs go "Ribbit"[only classical Greek frogs go "brekkity brek, coax, coax"] mine croak "less, less, geroff, shurrup" and head off into the vegetable patch to eat slugs (I hope) when I sing to them. |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: LEJ Date: 02 Aug 99 - 12:49 PM I don't think anyone can really sing the Blues unless he or she woke up at least one time with bullfrogs on their mind. And I don't mean any get-rich quick schemes involving bull frog farming, or purchasing bull frog futures. It helps if you live near a swamp and sleep with the window open. It is almost impossible to wake up with bull frogs on your mind if you have an air conditioner in your bedroom. If you DO wake up with them, other members of your family, especially your Granpaw, will tend to have them too. The best way to get rid of them , as well as other assorted Blues-related afflictions, is to "go to Chicago" if you are living in the country, or conversely, to "go to the country" if you are living in Chicago. If you leave, you need to ask your girlfriend if she will go with you. If she won't go, it is perfectly acceptable in the Blues Ethic to invite her sister, or some other member of her family. That's all for now. I need to go dust my broom...LEJ |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Brian Hoskin Date: 03 Aug 99 - 04:56 AM BTW the 'stereotypical black blues-singer sort of fellow' featured in the Heineken adverts was the actual black blues-singer Lonnie Brooks. Brian |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Roger in Baltimore Date: 03 Aug 99 - 06:15 AM Ah, yes. My favorite confusing blues verse.
Did you ever wake up with a bull frog on your, a bull frog on your, I mean mind?
So true, so true.
Freud would have been proud. Roger in Baltimore |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Brian Hoskin Date: 03 Aug 99 - 09:32 AM Yes, but perhaps the Bullfrog on your mind could do something about the grasshoppers in your pillow . . .? Brian |
Subject: Lyr Add: ULTIMATE BLUES (Clayton/Kraemer/Duncan^^^ From: Songster Bob Date: 03 Aug 99 - 11:00 AM Here's the complete text of "Ultimate Blues," alluded to earlier (by me, in response to another poster). I offer it as proof that some folks just won't leave well enough alone. I also thank my co-writers for some of the best lines: ULTIMATE BLUES
Didn't get up this morning,
Didn't make no coffee, CHORUS: I got them never no mo', done dead for sho' Blues!
Didn't drink no whiskey fo' breakfast,
Didn't place no bet on the ponies,
Now, I cried when my baby left me,
Didn't take no train to Memphis,
They'll bury me tomorrow,
Now, when I face my maker at judgment,
Didn't get up this morning, Copyright 1997, Bob Clayton, Pete Kraemer, & Donald Duncan. All rights reserved. |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Alice Date: 03 Aug 99 - 11:11 AM There is also a 'blues' version of the Folger's coffee commercial running right now... happy blues oxymoron? 'The best part of waking up is Folger's in your cup'... I had to laugh when I saw the Irish step dance version of the Folger's coffee commercial. Yeah, gotta drink alot of coffee to get those feet tappin fast. |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: The Burren Rabger Date: 03 Aug 99 - 01:28 PM Slow Blues (in EM) "Woke up this mornin' Woke up yesterday mornin' too, and if I wake up tommorow mornin' that'll be three days in a row." |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Alice Date: 03 Aug 99 - 08:59 PM Alice's measure of success, I woke up this mornin'. |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Easy Rider Date: 16 Nov 99 - 11:10 AM Here we go. Now THIS defines the Blues! |
Subject: Lyr Add: DEAD WILLIE BLUES (Mike Cross)^^ From: JL in Ozland Date: 16 Nov 99 - 06:43 PM You guys are all plagarizing! [g] Anybody know this one? Don't know who wrote it, but I heard Mike Cross do it at the Walnut Valley Music Festival in Winfield KS a couple years back--ladies, pay particular attention to the last verse. DEAD WILLIE BLUES (Mike Cross) I did not wake up this mornin' I did not get out of bed I looked down from the ceiling, And I saw that I was dead...I got those... CHORUS: Dead Willie Blues, Old Dead Willie Blues-- Well, how long have I had 'em? These old Dead Willie Blues. My wife called from the kitchen Said "Get up, it's time for work." Then she came in here and found me Lyin' cold and dead as dirt. With them... CHORUS The doctor came to see me And then he told my wife, "I think he's dead," but my wife said, "He's like this every night!" I got them... CHORUS Undertaker came to get me And my wife said through her tears, "I wish you wouldn't haul him off He ain't been this stiff in years!" He's had them... CHORUS Sorta sums it up, don't you think? ^^ |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: murray@mpce.mq.edu.au Date: 17 Nov 99 - 04:12 AM In case all the information in this thread makes you feel smug about knowing the blues, let me introduce a word of caution. Son House says, "I went into my room and I sat down and cried. I didn't have the blues, I was just not satisfied." Make sure you know the difference before you pick up that guitar! By the way, unless I missed it, nobody mentioned the important prerequisite that the sun has gotta intend to shine in your back door some day if you want to be a real blues singer. Murray |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Roger the skiffler Date: 17 Nov 99 - 05:20 AM Re: "Woke up this morning" I liked the quote attributed to Keith Richard at an MTV music awards ceremony held at 3pm: "I don't normally get up this early in the morning" ! |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Lonesome EJ Date: 21 Jul 00 - 08:11 PM |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Murray MacLeod Date: 20 Dec 07 - 06:28 PM anybody know the provenance of the "Rich Man's Blues"? "woke up this morning, saw both cars were gone woke up this morning, saw both cars were gone got so goddamn angry threw my drink across the lawn" I may have written this myself, but I don't think it's one of mine ... |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: GUEST,Bob Ryszkiewicz Date: 20 Dec 07 - 07:08 PM Murray: The song is called "Straight Talk about the Blues/Ukelele Blues" by Martin Mull...and not Rich Man's Blues...Keep tryin', there's at least one hit in everybody... |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: GUEST,Bob Ryszkiewicz Date: 20 Dec 07 - 07:27 PM And ukulele is NOT spelled ukelele...,BUT, ukelele SOUNDS more like u-ke-le-le than ukulele...There. I feel better... |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: bankley Date: 21 Dec 07 - 08:52 AM "You must be deaf or stupid, cuz I needs to say everything twice you must be deaf or stupid, cuz I needs to say everything two times" ...... fill in the rest.... |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: Mr Happy Date: 21 Dec 07 - 09:17 AM First line of the blues. [Richard Stilgoe] Oh the first line of the blues is always sung a second time First line of the blues is always sung a second time So by the time you get to the third line you've had time to think up a rhyme. Oh there ain't no law that says the third line has to be different at all. No, no, there ain't no law that says the third line has to be different at all. No there ain't no law that says the third line has to be different at all. Never borrow a mouth organ - not even from your best friend. No, no, no, never borrow a mouth organ - not even from your best friend. 'Cos you may survive the blowing, but the sucking's gonna get you in the end. Oh yeah! |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: GUEST,leeneia Date: 21 Dec 07 - 10:29 AM Thanks to whoever refreshed this. I've enjoyed some real chuckles here. How about 'Chicken Cordon Blues'? Steve Goodman recorded it, but I don't know if he wrote it. When I first met you, baby, you fed me chicken and wine. Steak and potatoes, baby it sure was fine. Now all you feed me is the seaweed and the alfalfa sprouts - sunflower seeds and I got my doubts. I'm a regular fella, and I got the Chicken Cordon Blues. |
Subject: RE: How To Sing the Blues From: GUEST,Bob Ryszkiewicz Date: 21 Dec 07 - 12:30 PM Hi Kids!: WARNING WARNING WARNING...Blues song in process of being written as we speak! HUNDAY MONDAY (A "Hunday" is whatever you want it to be...) I bought a Hunday on a Monday, Tuesday, the wife refused me... Wednesday I went lookin' for a job... Thursday wass da worst day My Brand New Boss just turfed me, Friday, I was back in the bar. Saturday a bad day, MassaCard said "No Way," Sunday I was talkin' to the Lawd.. If it keeps this way a goin', My cheeks will soon be showin', Through the jeans that I borrowed from my son.. {Chorus} Well it's just a Hunday Monday, and I haven't had a fun day, Since back about '83.. Long as I got this here geetar, One day I'll be a big star, And the feedback will be feedin' me... Outro: Long guitar break... Copyright 2007 Bob Ryszkiewicz |
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