BS: Political Jokes

Subject: Political Jokes
From: katlaughing
Date: 25 Oct 00 - 01:41 PM

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Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the head of the family, so call me The President. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in Deep Shit."

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Dharmabum
Date: 25 Oct 00 - 02:30 PM

Good one Kat!!!!

The reason it's so difficult for a polititian to tell the truth,the whole truth,& nothing but the truth,is because it's usually three different stories.

Practicing safe sex in the white house is making sure the door is locked.

DB.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 25 Oct 00 - 02:54 PM

The President and Mrs. Clinton are attending a World Series game and the crowd gives the couple a pretty big hand. As the applause dies down the President picks up the First Lady and throws her down onto the field! The secret service come running down and ol Bill can't figure out what's wrong until one of the secret service guys says, "Uh Mister President, I think they wanted you to throw out the first PITCH!".

You said Political, not Politically Correct!!

Frank

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Dharmabum
Date: 25 Oct 00 - 03:37 PM

Monica Lewinsky goes to the dry cleaner& lays a dress on the counter."I need to get this stain out of my dress"she says.The old man behind the counter, who's hard of hearing, says"come again"? Monica says "no,this time it's musturd".

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Wesley S
Date: 25 Oct 00 - 04:05 PM

George W. Bush

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Oct 00 - 04:18 PM

Ha, ha! That was a good one, Wes!

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Max Tone
Date: 25 Oct 00 - 07:10 PM

All of them?

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Sorcha
Date: 25 Oct 00 - 08:00 PM

Politicians are like dirty diapers--both should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: JamesJim
Date: 26 Oct 00 - 12:12 AM

Bill Clinton is out jogging and notices a little boy selling kittens. Above the kittens there is a sign that says, "Democrat kittens." Naturally, he jogs over to the boy and asks him, "are these really kittens really Democrats? The boy says, "yes sir Mr. President; they sure are."

When he gets back to the White House, he tells Al Gore the story and he is simply thrilled. The next day, Al decides he will jog with Bill and visit the enlightened little boy, who is selling Democrat kittens. As they jog up, they notice that the word "Democrat" has been crossed out and scribbled above it is written, "Republican." The President says; "Hey young man, yesterday these kittens were Democrats. What happened?" Whereupon the little boy said; "They opened their eyes this morning."

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: ddw
Date: 26 Oct 00 - 12:48 AM

One of the first things I was told when I arrived in Canada (1970) of an observation on the state of things here.

"We could have had British government, American know-how and French culture; Instead we got British know-how, American culture and French government."

I laughed until I found out it wasn't a joke!

david

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: katlaughing
Date: 26 Oct 00 - 01:33 AM

These are great, guys! Keem 'em comin'!

Thanks,

kat

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Quincy
Date: 26 Oct 00 - 05:04 AM

Have you heard the parody "The Envelope" to the tune of "if You're Irish, come into the Parlour" by the Irish comic Conal Gallon?
It's all about bribing politicians by slipping them some money in an envelope. Conal tells a joke part the way through about politicians.........

.....They're like bananas, they start off green, then they turn yellow and by the end there's not a straight one in the bunch!!

Will transcribe the lyrics later if I get the chance.

best wishes, Yvonne

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: sian, west wales
Date: 26 Oct 00 - 07:29 AM

They thought about issuing a commemorative stamp here with the face of Margaret Thatcher on it. After a test run with the prototype, they withdrew it. People kept spitting on the wrong side of the stamp.

sian

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Dharmabum
Date: 26 Oct 00 - 08:39 AM

George Dubya & his running mate decide to take a day off from the campaign trail for a little vacation.
Dub says "I heard of a Mississippi river cruse that only costs 29.95",so they decide to take it.
When their limo arrives at the dock,Dick Chaney goes into the office & lays his money on the counter. The travel agent promptly pulls out a baseball bat,knocks Dick out cold,wraps him in a floatation device,& throws him in the river.
Dubya goes in & the same thing happens.
A while later they're both floating down the Mississippi with splitting headaches, when Dick turns to Dubya & says "Do you think they serve meals on this cruise"?
"I don't think so"says Dub,"They didn't last year".

A priest goes to a barbershop in Washington DC.
When he's done getting his haircut he asks the barber how much he owes him.
"Nothing"says the barber,"I consider it a service to the lord".

The next day when the barber arrives at work he finds 12 prayer books & a thank you note on his doorstep.

A cop goes to the same barber & when he's done with his haircut asks "How much do I owe you"?
"Nothing "says the barber,"I consider it a service to the community".

The next day the barber finds a dozen doughnuts on his doorstep.

A US senator goes to the same barber & gets the same deal. The barber stating "I consider it a service to the country".

The next day there were 12 senators on his doorstep.

DB.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 26 Oct 00 - 10:43 AM

President Clinton was attending a County Fair and he noticed two Prize Pigs in a pen and they were unattended. He was so impressed with the Pigs he decided he would take them. As he is approaching Air Force One with a Pig under each arm he started to get nervous thinking the Secret Serviceman at the plane was gonna be suspicious. So he said to the guard, "I got these for Hilary and Chelsea!" The guard stood at attention, saluted the president and said, "Good trade, sir!!"

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Oct 00 - 11:55 AM

What was the one about not enough parachutes, or was that a Bill GATES joke? Anyone remember it? Also, who was it who said that communism is the exploitation of man by man, while capitalism is the reverse?

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 26 Oct 00 - 01:05 PM

This isn't exactly a political joke, but it does concern a president -

Calvin Coolidge and his wife were touring a model farm. They were being conducted around separately.

When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken coop, she noticed that there were 20 hens and only one rooster (cockerel, for our British readers). Thinking this must be some mistake, she asked about this, and was told that one rooster was all that was needed. "Oh, really?" she said, with interest. "And tell me … um … how often does the rooster … um … do his duty?"

"Oh, several times a day," answered the guide.

"Is that right?" said Mrs. Coolidge with amazement, then she thought a minute. "Please," she said, "when Mr. Coolidge comes around, will you be sure he sees this? And will you be sure to tell him the part about the rooster doing his duty several times a day?"

"Certainly," answered the guide.

Mrs. Coolidge and her entourage moved on toward the barn, and a while later, President Coolidge arrived at the chicken coop. "Excuse me, Mr. President," said the guide. "Mrs. Coolidge was here a minute ago, and she asked me especially to point out our rooster. And she especially wanted you to know that the rooster does his duty several times a day."

"Is that a fact?" said the President. "Well, that IS amazing. But tell me, does he do it with the same hen every time?"

"Oh, no," answered the guide. "He does it with a DIFFERENT hen every time."

"Tell THAT to Mrs. Coolidge," said the President.

(I read the above story - I assume it isn't true - in a book called "The Coolidge Effect" by Glenn Wilson, in which the author tries to explain, in biological/evolutionary terms, why males of most species are more promiscuous/polygamous than females.)

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Oct 00 - 01:21 PM

Whether the story is apocryphal or not, and I actually think not, it IS the term in biology for the phenomemon of having less of a refractory effect after male ejaculation if the next female is different. It does not refer to polygyny, just to being able to get it up faster for someone else than for the same one just had.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Hollowfox
Date: 26 Oct 00 - 01:31 PM

I heard this one from my father; I think he was working for Social Security at the time (this was during the Nixon administration). A new president had been elected, and during the changing of the Cabinet, the former Secretary of (choose one) was showing his successor around the office. On leaving, the former secretary gave the new one three sealed envelopes, saying that when a crisis came up, as of course it would, he should open the first envelope. If a second crisis came up later, he should open the second, etc. The new fellow thanked him politely, put the envelopes in the desk, and forgot about them..until the crisis came. After doing everything he could think of to cope with it, racking his brains, etc., he opened the first envelope. The note said,"Blame your predecessor." He did, and the crisis died down. When the second crisis came, unable to think of anything else, he opened the second envelope, which said,"Lay low until the situation blows over." He did, and it did. When the third crisis came, he fairly dived for the envelope. The note said,"Prepare three envelopes." sometimes this is too close to the truth to be classed as a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: bob jr
Date: 27 Oct 00 - 12:29 AM

what do you call a guy who wont come clean about his past drug habits was heavily involved in s and l scandals and reneged on paying the city or arlington money he promised to pay as part owner of the texas rangers?

Subject: Joke Add: HU'S ON FIRST
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 20 Nov 02 - 09:13 PM

Playwright Jim Sherman wrote this today after Hu Jintao was named chief of the Communist Party in China.

HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman

(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
GEORGE: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
CONDI: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
GEORGE: Great. Lay it on me.
CONDI: Hu is the new leader of China.
GEORGE: That's what I want to know.
CONDI: That's what I'm telling you.
GEORGE: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
CONDI: Yes.
GEORGE: I mean the fellow's name.
CONDI: Hu.
GEORGE: The guy in China.
CONDI: Hu.
GEORGE: The new leader of China.
CONDI: Hu.
GEORGE: The Chinaman!
CONDI: Hu is leading China.
GEORGE: Now whaddya' asking me for?
CONDI: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
GEORGE: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
CONDI: That's the man's name.
GEORGE: That's who's name?
CONDI: Yes.
GEORGE: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
CONDI: Yes, sir.
GEORGE: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
CONDI: That's correct.
GEORGE: Then who is in China?
CONDI: Yes, sir.
GEORGE: Yassir is in China?
CONDI: No, sir.
GEORGE: Then who is?
CONDI: Yes, sir.
GEORGE: Yassir?
CONDI: No, sir.
GEORGE: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
CONDI: Kofi?
GEORGE: No, thanks.
CONDI: You want Kofi?
GEORGE: No.
CONDI: You don't want Kofi.
GEORGE: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
CONDI: Yes, sir.
GEORGE: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
CONDI: Kofi?
GEORGE: Milk! Will you please make the call?
CONDI: And call who?
GEORGE: Who is the guy at the U.N?
CONDI: Hu is the guy in China.
GEORGE: Will you stay out of China?!
CONDI: Yes, sir.
GEORGE: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
CONDI: Kofi.
GEORGE: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
CONDI: Rice, here.
GEORGE: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From:
Date: 20 Nov 02 - 09:50 PM

A woman weds for the fourth time. On the wedding night, her new hubby leads her to the bedroom, and she says -- "Please be gentle -- I'm a virgin."
"How's that?" he asks in surprise.
"My first husband turned out to be gay. My second husband was impotent. And my third husband was a Republican. He just sat there on the edge of the bed telling me how good it was going to be."

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 20 Nov 02 - 09:59 PM

Verbatim as received:

Tipper Gore, an amateur genealogical researcher, discovered that her husband's great-great uncle, Chadsworth Gore, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Tennessee in 1889.
The only known photograph of Chadsworth Gore shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:
"Chadsworth Gore; horse thief, sent to Tennessee Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Tennessee Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889."
After letting Al Gore and his staff of professional image consultants peruse the findings, they decided to crop Chadsworth's picture, scan it in as an enlarged image, and edit it with image processing software so that the biographical sketch was sent to the Associated Press as follows:
"Chadsworth Gore was a famous rancher in early Tennessee history. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Tennessee railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Chadsworth Gore passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
And thus passed the very first "hanging Chad."

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Amos
Date: 20 Nov 02 - 10:20 PM

Clinton (or the President you name here) came out of the White House one winte rmorning and found that someone had written in the crisp white snow, using urine, the message "Bill Clinton Sucks", He was furiosu and summonsed the head of the FBI and ordered an immediate investigation.

Two days later the head FBI man called him back to report.

"Well, Mister President, I have good news and bad news."

"Well, did you find out where that urine came from or not??"

"Yes sir, that's the good news. It is definitely from the Speaker of the House."

"Well, then, what's the bad news??"

"Well, sir, the handwriting is Mrs Clinton's...."

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From:
Date: 20 Nov 02 - 10:27 PM

Beautiful! The last one is a version of the title yarn from Vance Randolph's collection of Ozark bawdy tales ("Pissing in the Snow").

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 21 Nov 02 - 03:45 AM

New Labour, Tory and Lib Dems

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: GUEST,ozmacca
Date: 21 Nov 02 - 04:45 AM

The biggest problem with political jokes is that they keep getting elected. Look at our glorious leader down under.... if you can ever get his head out of Dubya's fundamental policies.

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: Mark Ross
Date: 21 Nov 02 - 12:48 PM

My people are Jewish, the last time we listened to a Bush we spent 40 years wandering in the wilderness!

Mark Ross

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: GUEST,another guest
Date: 21 Nov 02 - 11:50 PM

The Irish have a soft spot for politicians.It's called a bog.

On a head stone Here lies a politician and an honest man. What two in one grave!!

Subject: RE: BS: Political Jokes
From: GUEST,ozmacca
Date: 22 Nov 02 - 12:53 AM

A little while back in Oz we had a senator Coulson who was accused of rorting the public purse by over-use of perks such a phone, cars etc... Yes, I know, they're still at it, but the gag that sprang to mind was a news report of a major motor accident outside parliament house in canberra, when seven commonwealth cars collided. Serious injury to a number of the passengers was only avoided because they were all Senator Coulson..........