BS: organist/choir director jokes

Subject: organist/choir director jokes
From: kimmers
Date: 02 Nov 00 - 07:35 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'

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I've noticed several vast files of music/musician jokes associated with this forum, and they're great. I'd like to ask you guys if you have any good ones that specifically poke fun at church organists and choir directors. I need a few good snappy remarks to keep the rehearsals upbeat!

kimmers, choir troublemaker

Subject: RE: BS: organist/choir director jokes
From: Abby Sale
Date: 02 Nov 00 - 09:05 PM

 
That's easy - be creative & follow the folk process.  In those vast files you mention, you'll find the likes of:

A conductor and a violist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
     The conductor. Business before pleasure.

Move your capo down one fret and you easily get:

A choir director and an organist are standing in the middle of the road. which one do you run over first, and why?
     The choir director. Business before pleasure.

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Conductor: "Start three measures before the da capo."
Principal violist: "Hold on! We don't have measure numbers."

Choir director: "Start three measures before the da capo."
Organist: "Hold on! We don't have measure numbers."

---

An Organist came home and found his house burned to the ground. When he asked what happened, the police told him "Well, apparently the choir director came to your house, and ..."

The organist's eyes lit up and he interrupted excitedly, "The choir director?   Came to my house?"

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An American choir had just arrived in Europe for a two-week tour. One hour before the first concert, the choir director became very ill and was unable to conduct, and the choir suddenly had to find a substitute. The
choir manager asked everyone in the choir whether they could step in and conduct, and the only person who was willing was the last chair alto.

The manager was very nervous about this. "We can't audition you," he said.

"No problem," replied the alto.

"There's no time to rehearse. You'll have to do the concert cold."

"I know. It'll be all right."

The alto conducted the concert and it was a smashing success. Since the director remained ill for the duration of the tour, the alto conducted all of the concerts, getting rave reviews and standing ovations at each one.

At the next rehearsal, the director had recovered, and the alto took her place at the back of the alto section. As she sat down, her stand partner asked her "Where've you been for the last two weeks?"

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etc.  Mind you, these and all the others are cheap shots.  I wouldn't tell them and am marginally embarrassed to admit I could even locate them.  The only really sophisticated one I found was an entry exam For The Notre Dame Cathedral Orchestra & Choir.  It was in the personnel file of a certain Quasimodo Kimmers

The pass mark is 10% but be careful--over 45% and you are overqualified.

  1. Who wrote the following:
          a) Beethoven's Symphony No. 6
          b) Fauré's Requiem
          c) Wagner's Ring Cycle
     [5 pts.]

  2. Tschaikovsky wrote 6 symphonies including Symphony
     no. 4. Name the other five.
     [5 pts.]

  3. Explain "counterpoint" or write your name on the
     reverse of the paper.
     [10 pts.]

  4. Which of the following would you tuck under you chin?
          a) a timpani
          b) an organ
          c) a 'cello
          d) a viola
     [1 pt.]

  5. Can you explain "sonata form"? (Answer yes or no.)
     [5 pts.]

  6. Which of the following literary works was made the
     subject of a Verdi opera?
          a) First among Equals -- Jeffrey Archer
          b) Macbeth -- William Shakespeare
          c) Noddy and Big Ears -- Enid Blyton
     [5 pts.]

  7. Domenico Scarlatti wrote 555 harpsichord sonatas for
     which instrument?
     [5 pts.]

  8. Arrange the following movements in order of speed,
     starting with the slowest first.
          a) Quickly
          b) Slowly
          c) Very Quickly
          d) At a Moderate Pace
     [4 pts.]

  9. Where would you normally expect to find the conductor
     during a performance?
     [5 pts.]

 10. Which of the following wrote incidental music to
     A Midsummer Night's Dream?
          a) Des O'Connor
          b) Mickey Mouse
          c) Felix Mendelssohn Bartholdy
          d) Terry Wogan
     [5 pts.]

 11. Which of the following is the odd one out?
          a) Sir Colin Davis
          b) Andrew Davis
          c) Sir Peter Maxwell Davies
          d) Desmond Lynham
     [5 pts.]

 12. Arrange the following words into the name of a well
     known Puccini opera.
          Bohème, La
     [5 pts.]

 13. Within five minutes, how long is Chopin's Minute Waltz?
     [5 pts.]

 14. From which of the following countries did Richard
     Strauss come?
          a) Venezuela
          b) Sri Lanka
          c) Germany
          d) Japan
     [5 pts.]

 15. For what town were Haydn's "Paris" Symphonies written?
     [5 pts.]

 16. Which is the odd one out?
        a) Fantasy Overture Romeo and Juliet -- Tchaikovsky
        b) Romeo and Juliet -- Berlioz
        c) Romeo and Juliet Ballet -- Prokofiev
        d) Ten Green Bottles -- anon.
     [5 pts.]

 17. From which song do the following lines come?
     "God save our gracious Queen, Long live our noble Queen."
     [5 pts.]

 18. Spell the following musical terms.
          allegro
          rallentando
          crotchet
          pizzicato
          intermezzo
     [5 pts.]

 19. Tosca is a character found in which Puccini opera?
     [5 pts.]

 20. Arrange the following letters to form the abbreviation
     for a well known British broadcasting corporation.
          C, B, B.
     [5 pts.]
 

Subject: RE: BS: organist/choir director jokes
From: Matt_R
Date: 02 Nov 00 - 09:13 PM

Never listen when Uncle Ted says "Hey everyone, come into the parlor and see me play my organ!"

Subject: RE: BS: organist/choir director jokes
From: catspaw49
Date: 02 Nov 00 - 09:39 PM

SHE: You have a very small organ.

HE: I didn't know I'd be playing in a cathedral!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: organist/choir director jokes
From: Barbara
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 12:46 AM

Choirmaster to tenor: That was the weakest interpretation of [put your favorite rouser here] I've ever heard. Can't you put some balls into it?
Tenor:(raises his hand and calls to offstage) Props!

Subject: RE: BS: organist/choir director jokes
From: kimmers
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 03:36 PM

Thanks to all. Barbara, I especially liked your joke about the tenor. Some of these are meaner than I really want to use, but they're sure fun.

So why are there so many more jokes about sopranos and tenors than altos and basses?

Subject: RE: BS: organist/choir director jokes
From: mousethief
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 03:39 PM

"The devil enters the church through the choir" --old Russian proverb.

Alex (a baritone singing tenor in the choir at Holy Rez)
O..O
=o=

Subject: RE: BS: organist/choir director jokes
From: kimmers
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 06:49 PM

Ooooh, Orthodox music. Yum. We do a couple of Orthodox pieces every year at the Easter Vigil. Wonderful, especially if you have a good bass section (which we do, got some boomin' voices back there). We're Episcopalians, but our rector is nuts about Greece and Russia and the Orthodox branches of the faith. Our parish hosts a small Greek Orthodox congregation one Saturday a month.

None of which is vague related to the topic. So, I submit the following Chorister's Confession for Alex and all of the rest of us who sing in church choirs:

A Choristers' Confession:

Almighty and most merciful conductor, we have erred and strayed from thy beat like lost sheep.

We have followed too much the intonations and tempi of our own hearts.

We have offended against thy dynamic markings.

We have left unsung those notes which we ought to have sung, and sung those notes which we ought not to have sung, and there is no support in us.

But thou, O Conductor, have mercy upon us feeble singers.

Succor the chorally challenged;

Restore thou them that need sectionals;

Spare thou them that have pencils.

Pardon our mistakes and have faith that hereafter we will follow thy directions

And sing in perfect harmony.

To the honour and glory of thy name.

Subject: RE: BS: organist/choir director jokes
From: mousethief
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 06:50 PM

Very nice! Thanks! I'm going to print that out and give it to our choir director this weekend!

Alex

Subject: RE: BS: organist/choir director jokes
From: kimmers
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 07:01 PM

Try this one... it works best sung to "The Church's One Foundation". It's definitely Episcopalian humor, and might be a little obscure.

Hilarity,
or Hymnody

Our church is mighty spikey
with smells and bells and chants,
And Palestrina masses
that vex the Protestants.
O happy ones and holy
who fall upon their knees
For solemn Benediction
And mid-week Rosaries.

Though with a scornful wonder
men see our clergy, dressed
In rich brocaded vestments
as slowly they process;
Yet saints their watch are keeping
lest souls be set alight
Not by the Holy Ghost, but
by incense taking flight.

Now we on earth have union
with Lambeth, not with Rome,
Although the wags and cynics
may question our true home;
But folk masses and bingo
can't possibly depose
The works of Byrd and Tallis,
or Cranmer's stately prose.

(Here shall the organist modulate)

So let the organ thunder,
sound fanfares "en chamade;"
Rejoice! For we are treading
where many saints have trod;
Let peals ring from the spire,
sing descants to high C,
Just don't let your elation
Disrupt the liturgy.

Subject: RE: BS: organist/choir director jokes
From: Dave (the ancient mariner)
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 07:15 PM

How about a song by Cyril Tawney called
FIVE FOOT FLIRT, verse 3.

Subject: RE: BS: organist/choir director jokes
From: MK
Date: 03 Nov 00 - 08:08 PM

WAYS A CHURCH CHOIR DIRECTOR TELLS SOMEONE THEY CAN'T SING


"I'm sorry, we've run out of robes."

"We need strong singers like you in the congregation to help them sing the hymns."

"I wouldn't want you to strain your voice."

"Did you know singing can aggravate sinus problems?"

"We still need good people for the handbell choir."

"Here's a book on spiritual gifts. Why don't you look through it and we can find another place in the church for you to effectively minister."

"It's a shame composers don't write more songs in your style."

"You have a unique range - you hit both notes well."

"Did you know there is a new Bible study starting the same night as choir practice, I think you'd get a lot from it."

"You have excellent posture."