BS: Notice of Revocation of Independance

Subject: Notice of Revocation of Independance
From: Bernard
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 10:47 AM

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new Prime Minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "sh*t".

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your co-operation.

PS You owe us for a shipment of tea. Invoice to follow...

;->

Subject: RE: BS: Notice of Revocation of Independance
From: The Shambles
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 12:44 PM

Where have you been Bernard?

Subject: RE: BS: Notice of Revocation of Independance
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 12:49 PM

Old age is a terrible thing Sham..........Bernard, the real pits is that this is actually the THIRD time this has been posted!!!(:<))

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Notice of Revocation of Independance
From: Bernard
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 12:53 PM

Who cares?

Subject: RE: BS: Notice of Revocation of Independance
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 12:59 PM

Actually just Shambles and I Bernard.....and we're a couple of screw-ups anyway! So here's what I posted to Steve:

1) Being a 'Merican, I never got to "interspersed" and stopped instead on "intercourse" which was a lot more entertaining. Give it a try sometime. Ya' know, like, uh, you could go try it alone if you want to......We have a nifty expression for that, ya' know? And something else, like how is it that y'all get Left-tenant out of some French kinda' thing that should obviously be Loo-tenant?

2) You got a good point there except y'all can't get together on one form of English over there either.

3) Lookit here Steve, we ain't much good at tellin' whether some feller is from Georgia or North Carolina and its the devil's own plague tryin' to figure if someone is from Michigan or Ohio, although Pennsylvanians, at least in the western part of that state say "Jagov" for "Jackoff." As far as y'all and the Oz folks go, well, like, uh, yer all jez "furriners" and that's about as much as we need to know.

4) Aw fer chrissakes.........Like, everytime I turn around, Michael Caine is playin' some likable sap.......What else do you want?

5) Most of us pretty much hate the tune after having to learn it in grade school and learning one set of words to it is enough for anybody!

6) Steve, like, I gotta' tell you that the Soccer thing is catchin' on real big here because we have a lot of folks who are below average in the smarts department and Soccer is their kind of game......These would be the folks who are too stupid to use their hands. And that Rugby crap ain't never gonna' fly here either since no healthy, red-blooded 'Merican male is gonna' use the word scrum....sounds too much like scrotum.......and when you are all huddled up like that, well................

7) Regarding the Canadjun problem, well, like, they really ain't one....or at least not much of one. Most of the folks in Montreal are too busy talking in tongues to accomplish anything and the crowd in Toronto have all seen "Phantom" way too many times to be a threat. I'm thinking though that like uh, well......What we oughta' do is take away their baseball teams cause they are fouling up the game. It delays the hell out of things to play TWO anthems and when they play up there, everybody is confused because they play the SSB first and that Canadjun thing last. I mean, its a known fact that the last two words of the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball."

8) Why just November 8th. Y'all ain't been able to make a decision without outside help for over two hundred years when your whole Empire started going down the tubes.

9) We like that "Dee-troyt Iron." Its only all of you world crybabies making a fuss or we'd still be building the 425 horsepower version of the 427 C.I.D. (Big Rat) Chevy and pluggin' it into everything from Corvettes to Pick-Up trucks. Man, you get yourself a pickemup with a gun rack, a 427, and a six-pack of Bud........now that's a ride for ya'!!! And you can get twin saddle tanks on the pickup that'll hold 52 gallons altogether which means you only have to stop for gas every 400 miles or so. Y'all can keep that German stuff, its way over-engineered. There's a Mercedes that has EIGHT parts to the thermostat housing fer gawdsakes!

10) We ain't got a clue. Ya' see they put people like Arlen Spector and Jerry Ford on a committee to find out and neither of them guys could find their ass with even ONE hand. Ya' know?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Notice of Revocation of Independance
From: Bernard
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 01:51 PM

It was emailed to me this afternoon, made me laugh, hadn't seen the other threads, being busy...

Over here, 'suspenders' are a fairly erotic female undergarment...

Walking on the 'pavement' is safe...

...etc.

Subject: RE: BS: Notice of Revocation of Independance
From: Little Hawk
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 11:32 PM

Oh, go and brew yourselves a pot of Red Rose Tea. It's only available in Canada, you know. Pity, eh?

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Notice of Revocation of Independance
From: catspaw49
Date: 18 Nov 00 - 11:41 PM

Is it as bad as your coffee?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Notice of Revocation of Independance
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 19 Nov 00 - 04:44 AM

Posted three times and still has a spelling error in it? Ah, two nations divided by a single language....

Barbara Bush (Dubya's granmow) would be so proud.... she who starred on Sesame Street plugging her Literacy programme..... LTS *BG*

Subject: RE: BS: Notice of Revocation of Independance
From: Irish sergeant
Date: 19 Nov 00 - 06:11 PM

Hi all: Already posted the other thread same topic Neil