Naughty kids' greatest hits

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Joe Offer
Date: 19 Feb 99 - 05:07 PM

This thread is too long. Please post new messages to the sequel thread -

Click here for Part II

-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Cuilionn
Date: 19 Jun 98 - 11:31 PM

I didnae see this ane posted yet, an' this is surely th' place where it belongs!

SUFFOCATION (to the tune of "Alouette")

Suffocation takes co-ordination
Suffocation: a game we all can play
First you take a plastic bag
Then you put it on your head
Go to bed, wake up dead, Oh-oh-oh-oh...

Anither twa we usit tae sing at church camp in Washington State:

1) [sung to the tune "Blowing in the Wind"]

How many beans in a can of Hornel
How many beans in a can?
The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind,
the answer is blowin' in the wind...

2) [sung to the tune "Pass It On"]

It only takes a raisin
To get the bowels moving
And soon all those around
Can smell the trouble brewing.
I'll shout it from the mountain-tops: "Oh no!"
I want the cook to know
The raisin-bowl has come to me
I want to pass it on.

(That last one was a response to our camp cook, who put raisins in EVERYthing.)

Gabh spòrs,

--Cuilionn

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Kazoo
Date: 19 Jun 98 - 10:32 PM

Driving down the highway doing 77
Someone blew a big one and blew himself to heaven
The car couldn't take it, the engine fell apart
All because of someone's (insert persons name) Supersonic fart
Fee-fi-fo-fum
here comes another one
two-four-six-eight
everyone evacuate.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: BFP
Date: 19 Jun 98 - 10:31 PM

Matches, matches, M-A-T-C-H-E-S
You can strike them on wood and you can strike them on glass
I know a man who can strike them on his--bald head.
Matches, matches, M-A-T-C-H-E-S

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: leprechaun
Date: 19 Jun 98 - 02:28 PM

Old man Lucas
Had a lot of mucus
Coming right out of his nose!
He picked and he picked 'till it's makin' you sick
And back again it grows!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Carolyn
Date: 19 Jun 98 - 12:18 PM

One from Girl Scout Camp...

Sam, Sam, the lavatory man
Chief inspector of the Dew Drop Inn
Issues the tissues, the papers and the towels
As he listens to the rumble of the human bowel

Down, down, down beneath the ground
Where all the poopies go floating all around
There lives Sam the lavatory man
Scooping up the poopies in his little tin can

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: rechal
Date: 06 Oct 97 - 01:22 PM

Jerry: the mosquito song goes:

Oh I wish I were a little mosquito (mosquito)

Oh I wish I were a little mosquito (mosquito)

Oh I'd bitty and I'd bitey under everybody's nighty

Oh I wish I were a little mosquito (mosquito)

And then there's

Oh I wish I were a little bottle of pop (bottle of pop)

Oh I wish I were a little bottle of pop (bottle of pop)

Oh I'd go down with a slurp and I'd come up with a BURP!

Oh I wish I were a little bottle of pop (bottle of pop)

There's also one about a skunk but I cant' remember all the words-- I wish I were a little striped skunk, oh, I'd something something something and I'd perfume in the breeze?

Oh I wish I were a little bottle of pop (bottle of pop)

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 05 Oct 97 - 08:39 PM

Great stuff. This thread is getting a bit lengthy, though. How about we move to: Naughty Kids' greatest hits II

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: kiwi
Date: 05 Oct 97 - 06:20 PM

Hi guys... I have returned after a long while away.. vanished into that great hole where marching band people go. :) Anyway, here's a little ditty I 'member from when I was in middle school: No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks / kick the tables, kick the chairs, kick the teachers down the stairs!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Bill D
Date: 03 Oct 97 - 05:31 PM

I remember the Skunk song as

The Woodpeckers Hole...(to approximately the tune of "Dixie"

I put my finger in the Woodpeckers hole
And he woodpecker "well, damn your soul
Take it out, take it out, take it out--remove it!"

I removed my finger from the Woodpeckers hole
And the woodpecker said "well, damn your soul
Put it back, put it back, put it back--replace it

I replaced my finger...etc
......
'Turn it round, turn it round,turn it round--rotate it!

I rotated my finger in the woodpeckers hole
etc....
"Other way other way, other way--reverse it!

I reversed my finger in the woodpeckers hole
etc.....
"Do it again, do it again, do it again--repeat it!"

Of course,I have NO idea what all that might mean!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jack (who is called Jack)
Date: 03 Oct 97 - 04:52 PM

Here's one that I didn't know that my 5 year old just taught me.

There are two incompleat lines in the "quarter" stanza.
Anyone know them?

My mother gave me a penny
So I could pay back Jenny
But I didn't pay back Jenny
Instead I bought bubble gum
Ba-room Ba-room Ba-bubble gum
Ba-room Ba-room Ba-bubble gum

My mother gave me a nickel
So I could buy a pickle
But I didn't buy a pickle
Instead I bought bubble gum
Ba-room Ba-room Ba-bubble gum
Ba-room Ba-room Ba-bubble gum

My mother gave me a dime
So I could buy a lime
But I didn't buy a lime
Instead I bought bubble gum
Ba-room Ba-room Ba-bubble gum
Ba-room Ba-room Ba-bubble gum

My mother gave me a quarter
So I could ---
But I didn't ---
Instead I bought bubble gum
Ba-room Ba-room Ba-bubble gum
Ba-room Ba-room Ba-bubble gum

My mother gave me a dollar
So I could become a scholar
I didn't become a scholar
Instead I bought bubble gum
Ba-room Ba-room Ba-bubble gum
Ba-room Ba-room Ba-bubble gum

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Bert
Date: 03 Oct 97 - 08:36 AM

Jerry, Re: your "steeple" song, see "Yaw Yaw Yaw" in DT.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jerry Friedman
Date: 02 Oct 97 - 11:04 PM

Also at the same camp (Red Raider, in Russell Twp., for Alice and any other Clevelanders) they sang "I Took a Leg". I just took a break to see whether it was in the DT, and lo and mirabile visu, it was! It's listed as "college", but apparently it worked its way down to the single-digit ages.

Tim Jaques, "Barnacle Bill" came later (so to speak), when I was about 13. Around the same time I learned, "In days of old, when knights were bold,/ And _rubbers_ weren't invented..." What are you, some kinda Canadian or some'm?

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From:
Date: 02 Oct 97 - 10:58 PM

Hi back to you, Alice C.! I was at Lomond elementary school in Shaker Heights 1966-73. I seem to recall that Fairfax wasn't that far away.

The version of "The Night of the King's Castration" I learned at Princeton in about 1980 seems to have been influenced by the counterculture, because it began, 'Twas the night of the king's castration, the night of the king's last ball. And all the counts and councillors were gathered around the council table flinging pieces of camel turd, for bullshit was unknown in those days and camel turd was the word."

Also, "...but Daniel slipped in a pile of lion shit and came in fifth, losing ten points for the common people."

(I wonder if this had any influence on the late Roger Zelazny, another Clevelander, who named an important character in his Amber series "Random". It's the kind of thing he'd do.)

"Skunk Hole" is in the DT, with the WRONG TUNE. (It should be "Dixie", not "Turkey in the Straw".) That song and "Baby Bumblebee" remind me of this one, to the tune of "If You're Happy and You Know It" (later in life, it was "If you're horny and you know it, pull your pud):

Oh, I wish I was a little English sparrow, (2x)
I would sit upon the steeple and I'd spit upon the people,
Oh, I wish I was a little English sparrow.

There was another verse about wishing I was a little MOSquiTO, but I don't remember the rest.

At the same camp, my brother learned one that began, "I'm a camper, a dirty little camper./ I leave a trail of bug juice wherever I may go." (Bug juice = Kool-Aid et al.) This was apparently a parody of one from our mother's day: "I'm a villain, a dirty little villain."

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Bert
Date: 02 Oct 97 - 01:47 PM

I love it. We used to have a math teacher who took great delight in proving that
e to the j pi = -1

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jack (who is calle jack)
Date: 02 Oct 97 - 01:40 PM

This isn't naughty but the football cheer reminded me of the engineers yell.

e to the x dy dx
e to the x dx
cosine secant tangent sine
Three-point-one-four-one-five-nine
square root, cube root, QED
Slipstick, Slide Rule GO UC!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Downeast Bob
Date: 01 Oct 97 - 11:22 PM

"The Night of the King's Castration" was known in Chicago circa 1950, with a few variations:

"Balls, said the Queen. "If I had two, I'd be king!"

"Shit!" said the Prince, "I have to, and I'm not king."

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Downeast Bob
Date: 01 Oct 97 - 10:46 PM

"The Night of the King's Castration" was known in Chicago circa 1950, with a few variations:

"Balls, said the Queen. "If I had two, I'd be king!"

"Shit!" said the Prince, "I have to, and I'm not king."

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Downeast Bob
Date: 01 Oct 97 - 05:19 PM

The way I knew it in the 50s, was:

Lulu had a steamboat; steamboat had a bell;
Lulu went to heaven; steamboat went to

Bang away on Lulu, bang away all day.
Who you gonna bang on when Lulu's gone away?

Lulu had a chicken; she also had a duck;
She put them on the table to see if they would

Bang away on Lulu, bang away all day.
Who you gonna bang on when Lulu's gone away?

Lulu spilled her orange juice, Lulu broke her glass;
Then she slipped upon it and broke her little

Bang away on Lulu, bang away all day.
Who you gonna bang on when Lulu's gone away?

Ask me no more questions; I'll tell you no more lies;
Lulu got hit with a bucket of shit,
right between the eyes!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jon W.
Date: 01 Oct 97 - 12:08 PM

My wife remembers the Old Notre Dame song from high school about 1970. She lived in a "dry" county in New Mexico (the buckle of the bible belt) so prohibition was still going on there.

The one we sang (in California) at football games was:

For it's beer beer beer that makes us want to cheer
And it's gin gin gin that makes us want to win
And it's hot roast duck that makes us want to...SCORE

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: JMike
Date: 01 Oct 97 - 10:35 AM

Wkailey: Okay, we're even. (I like the carriages/miscarriages line).

Thanks & be seeing you.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Wkailey
Date: 30 Sep 97 - 06:13 PM

JMike, I love that line about the Princess. An invaluable addition to my collection. Thanks.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Catfeet
Date: 30 Sep 97 - 04:47 PM

Thanks Rechal, ever since it was mentioned, I've been trying to remember the rest of The skunk song too, and boy has it driven me crazy! :)

Catfeet

Subject: ADD: The King's Catration - The Royal Ball
From: JMike
Date: 30 Sep 97 - 12:24 PM

Wkailey

In Boston circa '69 there was a highly distributed paper called "The Bloody Sheets" from somewhere (Harvard?, MIT?) with a collection of what passed for humor among us in those dark times. It contained a version of "The kings castration" which I remember as:

'Twas the night of the king's castration, the royal ball was coming off. Counts, discounts, and no-accounts stood around cameldunging each other, for in those days bullshit had not yet been invented.

Everyone was having a good time except Daniel. This angered the king who ordered Daniel to come forth. However Daniel slipped on a lion turd and only came in fifth. Daniel was so angry that he picked up the turd and threw it at random. Unfortunately, Random ducked and it hit the king.

"Oh SHIT!" cried the king, (for it was) and 20,000 loyal subjects squatted and grunted, for in those days the king's word was law and the king ruled with an iron hand.

"Where is the princess?" asked the king.

"In bed with laryngitis," said the queen.

"I'll kill that frigging Greek!" said the king, "Oh well, screw the princess."

And 20,000 loyal subjects were trampled in the rush, for in those days the king's word was law, and the king ruled with an iron hand.

"Oh balls," said the king, not because he wanted to, but because he had two.

"Balls yourself," said the queen, "If I had two, I could be king."

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: rechal
Date: 30 Sep 97 - 12:15 AM

DWDitty--here's the skunk song.

Well, I put my hand in a little skunk's hole
And the little skunk said, Well, bless my soul
Take it out! Take it out! Take it out!
Remove it.

Well, I didn't take it out, and the little skunk said
If you don't take it out, you'll wish you had
Take it out! Take it out! Take it out!
Pssssssssttttttt!
I removed it.

And yes, I remember the baby bumblebee song.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From:
Date: 29 Sep 97 - 05:30 PM

In the 30's it was:

Cheer, cheer for old Notre Dame
You take the Notre, I'll take the Dame.
Send a freshman out for gin
Don't let a sober sophomore in;
We never stagger, we never fall
We sober up on wood alcohol
While the drunken seniors stagger
On to the next saloon.

(I suspect it was Prohibition era, but I'm not sure.)

Subject: In a Medievil mood
From: Wkailey
Date: 29 Sep 97 - 01:38 PM

Here is a verse of In Days of Old that I will admit to inventing at the age of 14 or so:

In days of old
When knights were bold
And heaters not invented,
The local whore was paid much more,
And not at all resented.

I grew up in Minnesota, so perhaps I was influenced by the weather.

Here is a much better little ditty on a medievil theme that I learned from my father. I think it was quite popular when he was in school (the thirties and forties). If so, it seems to show that the sophistication of our doggeral has declined perceptibly along with our educational standards. Not that all verses are that sophisticated, but a few of them are rather cleaver. There are supposedly many, many verses to this thing, but my dad, alas, only knew a few of them:

The King's Castration

'Twas the night of the King's castration
The royal ball was coming off.
And all the dukes and counts and no-accounts
Were there in their carriages and miscarriages.

"Where is Daniel?" cried the King.
"Daniel is in the lion's den."
"Bring Daniel fourth."
But Daniel slipped on a lion turd and came fifth.

"Oh shit!" cried the King
And a thousand loyal subjects dropped their drawers and strained.

"Where is the Queen?" cried the King.
"The queen is in bed with laryngitis."
"Last week it was Arthur Itus. They must be brothers!"
. . .
"Balls!" cried the Queen.
"If I had t[w]o I'd be King."

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: DWDitty
Date: 29 Sep 97 - 01:05 PM

Can't remember much but there was one that went to the tune of "Look Away"

Oh, I stuck my head in a little skunk's hole The little skunk said, "Well, bless my soul."

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Ole Bull
Date: 28 Sep 97 - 05:27 PM

And this is part two for TJ: In days of old when knights were bold and toilets weren't invented; they lay'd their load upon the road and went away contented.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From:
Date: 28 Sep 97 - 12:04 AM

We must have been naughty boys too, for we used to sing The North Atlantic Squadron and Barnacle Bill the Sailor. I think they were old navy songs kids had overheard their vet dads singing when in their cups. Certainly the lyrics contain references to activities that good children should not know about.

Does anyone have the full lyrics to My Dog Jack? I can only remember the first verse. I don't know the name of the tune but it sounds to me like a southern fiddle tune.

Had a little dog, his name was Jack
He shit all over the railway track
Train came by, the shit flew high
And hit the conductor right in the eye

For the person who mentioned the song or rhyme about the knight and ladies, I believe it went:

In days of old when knights were bold
And safes were not invented;
They'd put their socks upon their cocks
Thus babies were prevented.

Subject: Lyr Add: BRINGING HOME A BABY BUMBLEBEE
From: Catfeet
Date: 26 Sep 97 - 07:18 PM

I can't believe no one's entered this one yet, but do y'all remember BRINGING HOME A BABY BUMBLEBEE, complete with hand motions?

I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee.
Won't my mommy be so proud of me?
'Cause I'm bringing home a baby bumblebee.
Ouch! It stung me!

I'm smashing up my baby bumblebee.
Won't my mommy be so proud of me?
'Cause I'm smashing up my baby bumblebee.
Ooh, what a mess!

I'm licking up my baby bumblebee.
Won't my mommy be so proud of me?
'Cause I'm licking up my baby bumblebee.
Ooh, I feel sick.

I'm puking up my baby bumblebee.
Won't my mommy be so proud of me?
'Cause I'm puking up my baby bumblebee.
Ahhh, I feel better.

This can go on indefinitely, depending on how long is left in recess, and how inventive the singer is.

Catfeet

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: lli
Date: 26 Sep 97 - 03:28 PM

Those of us in elementary school in the early seventies learned this one-(sung to Frere Jacques)

Marijuana, marijuana/ LSD,LSD/ College kids are making it/ High school kids are taking it/ Why can't we? Why can't we?

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: JMike
Date: 26 Sep 97 - 02:24 PM

Just read Susan's post, shows how folk(???) music evolves.

When I was in high school in California in the early sixties we sang:

Beer, Beer for old Lemoore High,
bring on the whiskey, bring on the rye.
Send the freshmen out for gin
and don't let the sober sophomores in.
Juniors never stagger, seniors never fall,
they sober up on wood alcohol,
as the dear old faculty goes staggering down the hall.

The trick was that all members of a particular class would yell out when they were mentioned. Faculty never sang along as I remember. So it was about drugs 10 years later...?

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Susan of California
Date: 26 Sep 97 - 12:32 PM

Autumn and college football always make me think of this one from when I was in high school, sung to the tune of one of those big University fight songs. What I remember of it is this:

Cheer cheer for old _____ High,
You bring the grass and we'll all get high
Send the Freshmen out for hash,
and don't let a Sophomore bring in trash.
Nah nah nah
We never stagger, we never fall,
We all come down with phenobarbital

The last line is "For the glory of being high"

I know there's more, I just can't remember. Kinda tells you what era I was in high school, doesn't it? I hope todays kids are a little bit smarter than some of us were back then.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: JMike
Date: 26 Sep 97 - 11:48 AM

The tune is only a dim memory, but we used to sing a song called "Atlantic City" which went:

I met a young girl in Atlantic last year
Who every bright morning would walk to the pier.
She'd dive in the water, it was smooth just like glass
And give all the people a view of her ----

Antics in the water clear up to her chin
And she'd never be drownded as others have been.

The girl had a brother who'd dive off the dock
And amuse all the people by shaking his ----

Fist at the crowd standing up on the shore
The same shore he'd stood on a moment before.

There were a couple more verses but I can't remember the setups for the "dirty" parts.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jon W.
Date: 26 Sep 97 - 10:45 AM

The ears/boobs/etc. hang low song is sung to Turkey in the Straw. The third line, according to my wife and daughters from girl's camp, goes: "Can you throw them o'er your shoulder like a continental soldier?"

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Nonie Rider
Date: 25 Sep 97 - 05:08 PM

Oh, lord, I'd forgotten "Found a peanut..." Single most tedious song this side of "A Hundred Bottles of Beer."

How 'bout:

I wish I was a hinecerarious A rappapotanamy, A ha ha ha ha

But since I'm not, and never can hope to be A hinecerarious, A rappapotanamy

I'm an egghead, I'm a junebug, And I'd rather bash my head against a wall Boo-hoo!

(I presume the long words were a spinoff on "rhinocerus" and "hippopotamus"...)

And then there's all the balls/boobs/body-parts variations on:

Do your (ears) hang low, do they wobble to and fro,

Can you tie 'em in a knot, can you tie 'em in a bow,

Can you throw 'em over your shoulders and (something)

Do your ears hang low?

--Nonie

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jon W.
Date: 25 Sep 97 - 12:37 PM

two more for Found a peanut: Went below... Shoveling coal...

Also I just realized that the song I mentioned in the other kid's song thread and posted in yet another thread about sewer..suicide, etc. is a variation on the one that Laura and Alice posted just above, variation of Miss Lucy which Earl (12-Sep-97 in this thread) posted, with the tune name of "Good Night Ladies."

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Bert
Date: 25 Sep 97 - 09:18 AM

Of course, after hospital there should have been the word "equipment"

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Bert
Date: 25 Sep 97 - 09:15 AM

When we used to sing 'Found a peanut', after the verse

ate it anyway...

it went....

got the bellyache...
went to hospital...
Cut him open...
found the peanut...
sew him upagain...
lost the scalpel...
cut him open...
found the scalpel...
sew him upagain...
and so on for every imaginable piece of hospital that could get lost

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Laura and Alice C.
Date: 24 Sep 97 - 10:46 PM

Hi again--here's a submission from Laura, who grew up in West Virginia in the '70's. Same tune as Miss Lucy (what IS this tune, anyhow??)

I woke up Sunday morning, and looked up on the wall,
the beetles and the bedbugs, were playing a game of ball.

The score was six to nothing, the beetles were ahead,
the beetles scored a home run and it knocked me out of bed.

I fell into the sewer, and that is where I died,
They didn't call it murder, but they called it sewercide.

My mother is a German, my father is a spy,
and I'm the little blabbermouth who called the F.B.I.!

This was done to handclaps.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alice C. (of Cleveland)
Date: 24 Sep 97 - 10:18 PM

Hi there--and especially to Jerry Friedman who does indeed remember the same local versions as I do! How delightful. I was at Fairfax Elementary1971-76. And you?

I remember the rest of "Found a Peanut":

Went to heaven...
Kicked an angel... (or, slugged Saint Peter...)
Went "the other way"...
Kicked the devil...
Back to heaven...
Wouldn't take me...
---then, SOME kids went on with--
Back to earth...
Found a peanut...
The whole wretched thing could become a circle! I never heard it sung more than once through, though. Small mercies.

Hey, does anyone else remember this playground taunt -- let's say you want to embarass two other kids named Richard and Kathy:

Kathy loves Richard,
Sittin' in the tree,
K-I-S-S-I-N-G.
First comes love,
Then comes marriage,
Then comes Kathy with the baby carriage!
Suckin' her thumb,
Chewin' her pants,
Doin' the hootchy-kootchy dance!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Sep 97 - 07:06 PM

Many years ago, there was a bill in Congress to allow the addition of horse meat to some human foods...the late Senator Everett Dirkson, he of the greatest gravelly voice in recorded history, got up on the floor of the Senate, and sang

"The old grey mare, she ain't what she used to be
"Out of the stable now, onto the table now..
"The old grey mare, she ain't what she used to be,
"A Blue Plate Platter soon!"

the bill was defeated.....

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From:
Date: 24 Sep 97 - 05:31 PM

"On Top of Spaghetti" is in the DT, credited to Tom Glaser.

The version of "Bingo" in the DT says you _mouth_ the missing letters. Heresy! You _clap_ for the missing letters! In my childhood the older kids (camp couselors) daringly sang, "There was a drummer had a drum, and Ringo was his name oh."

For a truly boring parody, there was always "Found a Peanut" (to the tune of Clementine):

Found a peanut, found a peanut,
Found a peanut just now.
Just now I found a peanut,
Found a peanut just now.

Cracked it open...

It was rotten...

Ate it anyway...

So I died...

Went to heaven...

Saw St. Peter...

(I think there's more--hell gets in there somewhere.)

Subject: Lyr Add: WEELA WALLIA
From: Wolfgang (Hell)
Date: 24 Sep 97 - 06:01 AM

Tim Jaques mentioned a cruel Irish song, here it is (well, my version is one of many, even the titles are different)

Weela Wallia (aka Down by the river Sallia aka Down by the river side-O)

1. There was an old woman who lived in the woods, weela weela wallia,
there was an old woman who lived in the woods, down by the river Sallia.
2. She had a baby three months old...
3. She had a penknife three inch long...
4. She stuck the knife in the baby's head...
5. The more she stuck, the more it was dead...
6. There were three knocks a-knocking at the door...
7. Two policeman and a man were there...
8. Are you the woman that killed the child...
9. Yes I am the woman that killed the child...
10. Then she got tried and she got hung...
11. The more she hung the more she was dead...
12. The moral of that story is...
don't stick knives in babies' heads...

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Akiba
Date: 22 Sep 97 - 08:46 PM

On top of spaghetti,
All covered with sauce,
I lost my poor meatball
When somebody coughed.

It rolled off the table,
It rolled on the floor,
And the last time I saw it,
It rolled out the door.


(Kosher version -- no mixing of meat & dairy, -- like meatball & cheese.)

This probably has the same ending you were hinting at, O.B.

Akiba

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Ole Bull
Date: 22 Sep 97 - 08:26 PM

On top of spaghetti, All covered with cheese;
I lost my poor meatball, When somebody sneezed.
It rolled off the table, It rolled down the hall...
something, something....

It seems as if top honors above (the favorite) is Miss Lucy's steamboat song. Am I correct in believing that that is an evolution of the 1840's minstrel song "Lucy Long"?

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Wkailey
Date: 22 Sep 97 - 03:16 PM

I am surprised that no one ever added more verses to the good ol' Commet song. It's a very extensible concept. Here are some suggestions:

Commet will make your bathroom stink, Commet will make your hair turn pink! Commet will make you vomit, &c.

Commet is made of rotten cheese, Commet will make you cough and weeze &c, &c.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: lli
Date: 22 Sep 97 - 03:14 PM

There's one I remember just the end- "Hasten, Jason, get the basin/ Oops, slop, get the mop."

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jon W.
Date: 22 Sep 97 - 02:53 PM

Variations of two songs mentioned above:

Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, think I'll go eat worms
short fat juicy ones, big long skinny ones, see how they wiggle and squirm
First you bite the heads off, then you suck the juice out, then you throw the skins away
Nobody knows how we survive on worms three times a day

Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg
The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got away

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Susan of DT
Date: 21 Sep 97 - 10:14 AM

Sheye and Jon W
The Dirty Old Man from Chine is more closely related to Old Shoes nad Leggin's (see DT)

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 20 Sep 97 - 08:51 PM

To the tune of "Cock O' The North":-

Auntie Mary had a canary up the leg of her drawers
When she farted it departed to the sound of great applause.

Cheers,
Alan

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 20 Sep 97 - 12:50 PM

Squid-
I learned it as:
She was comon' round the bend doin' nine miles an hour
When he chain on her bicycle broke;
She was found in the pass with a sprocket in her pocket
She was tickled to death by a spoke.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: alison
Date: 20 Sep 97 - 07:17 AM

Hi

There's a lovely book called "Keep the kettle boiling" (rhymes from a Belfast childhood), which has versions of many of the above in it.

Here's one with a definately Protestant slant,

Tune "The Happy Wanderer"

I love to go a wandering down by the chapel door,
And as I go I love to sing "The sash my father wore."

and what about the old favourite,

Here comes the bride, forty inches wide,
Slid down the bannister and broke her backside.

slainte
Alison

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Rosemary
Date: 20 Sep 97 - 01:00 AM

The first two lines are sung like "Frere Jacque" but the rest of the song is nothing like it.

I HATE BOSCO

I HATE BOSCO,
I HATE BOSCO,
ALTHOUGH IT'S GOOD FOR ME.
MY MAMA PUT IT IN MY MILK
TO TRY AND POISON ME.

BUT I FOOLED MAMA,
I PUT IT IN HER TEA.
AND NOW I HAVE NO MAMA
TO TRY AND POISON ME!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Earl
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 10:59 PM

Squid, In our version it was the kickstand instead of the muffler.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 10:10 PM

Frank- I learned it as:

My Aunt Mary had a canary
Up the leg o' her drawers
For oors and oors
It cursed the Boers
And won the Victoria Cross.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alice
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 09:26 PM

Did you get it?? Did you get it??

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alice
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 09:25 PM

WHAT DID DELAWARE?

1. What did Delaware, boys,
What did Delaware? (3 times)
I ask you now as a personal friend,
What did Delaware?
She wore her New Jersey, boys,... (repeat)
I tell you now as a personal friend,
she wore her New Jersy.

2. What did Idaho, boys...
She hoed her Maryland, boys...
3. What did Ioway, boys...
She weighed a Washington, boys...
4. How did Wiscon sin, boys...
She stole a New brass key, boys...
5. What did Tennessee, boys...
She saw what Arkansaw, boys...
6. How did Flora die, boys...
She died in Missouri, boys...
7. Where has Oregon, boys...
She's gone Okla home, boys...

NOBODY LIKES ME

Nobody likes me, eveybody hates me,
I'm goin' to eat some worms.
Long thin slimy ones, short, fat, juicy ones
I'm goin'to eat some worms.

Down goes the first one, down goes the second one
Oh, how they wiggle and squirm.
Long thin slimy ones, short, fat juicy ones,
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy, wuzzy worms.

Up comes the first one, up comes the second one
Oh, how they wiggle and squirm,
Long thin slimy ones, short, fat, juicy ones,
Itsy, bitsy, fuzzy, wuzzy worms.

I'M A NUT

I'm an acorn small and round
Lying on the cold, cold ground.
Everybody steps on me,
That is why I'm cracked, you see.

chorus
I'm a nut *snap *snap
I'm a nut *snap *snap
I'm a nut, I'm a nut, I'm a nut. *snap *snap

Called myself on the telephone
Just to see if I was home.
Asked me out for a little date
Picked me up at a quarter to eight.

chorus

Took me out to the movie show
Stayed too late and said, "Let's go."
Took my hand and led me out
Drove me home and gave a shout.

I'm a nut...

Alice in Montana

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Squid
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 08:42 PM

My version of Comin' 'Round the Mountain:

She was comin' 'round the mountain doing ninety
When the chain on her motorcycle broke
She was laying in the grass
with the muffler up her ass
And her tits were playing Dixie on the spokes

Subject: AND another one
From: Jerry Friedman
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 08:05 PM

This standard of my childhood isn't in the DT either.

There were three jolly fishermen,
There were three jolly fishermen,
Fisher fisher men men men,
Fisher fisher men men men,
There were three jolly fishermen.

The first one's name was Abraham, etc.

The second one's name was I-i-saac, etc.

The third one's name was Jay-ay-cob.

They all set out from Amsterdam.

You mustn't say that naughty word.

They all set out from Amster-sh. [finger to lips]

I'm gonna say it anyway.

They all set out from AmsterDAM!

(On "Amster Amster DAM DAM DAM", all participants dissolve in giggles, so I don't remember whether there's any more to the song.)

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jerry Friedman
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 07:57 PM

On the subject of songs where you just barely don't say bad words, there's one in the DT called "Sweet Violets". In junior high I learned a different version:

There once was a farmer who took a young miss
In back of the barn where he gave her a
Lecture on horses and chickens and eggs,
And said that she had the most beautiful
Manners, which suited a girl of her charms,
A girl who he wanted to take in his
Washing and ironing and then if she did,
They might get married and raise up some

Sweet violets, sweeter than all the roses.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Frank in the swamps
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 07:53 PM

Maybe someone can remember the last line of this one for me...

My Auntie Mary had a canary,up the leg of her drawers

And when it came doon, it whistled a tune........

Drivin' me nuts not remembering. Frank.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jerry Friedman
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 07:50 PM

Somebody asked where the Lone Ranger takes his garbage. Along those lines, my officemate shared this one with me:

What happens when the Pink Panther steps on an insect?
Dead ant dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant...

Not strange that I remember most of the ones that Alice Cascorbi gave, since I was a kid in Cleveland around the same time (maybe slightly earlier). It's more remarkable that I knew the same "Colonel Bogey" parody as Alan from Australia.

There was actually a commercial recording of the "Shaving Cream" song.

Maybe someone can fill in this cheerful one:
Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg,
Commissioner Gordon killed himself and ? broke his leg.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alice
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 06:27 PM

This is my version of Great Big Gobs..

Great big gobs of greasy grimey gopher guts
Mutilated monkey meat
laminated lizard lips
Piles and piles of poculated possum pus
and me without my spoon!

My fifth grade son told me this one:

(one of many verses)
We gave a peach to baby Margaret
We thought she swallowed the pit
But when we looked in the bucket
We saw a big pile of
ssshhhaving cream, shaving cream

Alice in Montana

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: MacCionaoith
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 05:26 PM

To the tune of "She'll be comin' round the mountain."

O ye canna push your granny from a bus
O ye canna push your granny from a bus
O ye canna push your granny
She is your mamma's mammy
O ye canna push your granny from a bus.

Ye can push your other granny from a bus
ye can push your other granny from a bus
ye can push your other granny
she's just your pappa's mammy
ye can push your other granny from a bus.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Earl
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 01:11 PM

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each with a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two and a half
And they didn't go up for water

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 19 Sep 97 - 02:59 AM

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jill forgot to take the pill and now they have a daughter.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: MacCionaoith
Date: 18 Sep 97 - 11:34 AM


Several nursery rhymes . . .

Georgie Porgie puddin' and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
when the boys came out to play
he kissed them, too, he was funny that way

Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jill came down with half a crown
and it wasn't for carrying water

Hey diddle diddle the cat took a piddle
all over the kitchen floor
the little dog laughed to see such sport
so the cat did a little bit more

Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
Jack jumped over a candle stick
Silly boy, he should have jumped higher
Goodness, gracious, great balls of fire

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
Her drawers all tattered and torn
It wasn't the spider that sat down beside her
But Little Boy Blue with his bugle

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: alison
Date: 18 Sep 97 - 01:01 AM

Hi

The Irish one is Weila Weila Wailia, (or some thing to that effect).

I remember one along the same lines as the tugboat.

Rule Britannia, three monkeys up a stick,
One fell down and broke his

Dick was a bulldog, lying in the grass,
Down came a bumble bee and stung him on the

Ask no questions, tell no lies,
I saw a policeman playing with his

Flies are nuisances, bumblebees are worse,
That's the end of my silly little verse..


Another popular one from Belfast was

Jingle bells, Santa smells, a hundred miles away,
He did a fart behind a cart and blew up the IRA

slainte

Alison

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From:
Date: 17 Sep 97 - 06:25 PM

What about that Irish kids' song that ends "The moral of this story is/ Foll de loll diddle lerro/ Don't stick your knife in a baby's head/ Foll de loll diddle lerro."

It was a gruesome little ditty, with somebody hanged too, as I recall.

Subject: Jumprope Hypertext Archive
From: Earl
Date: 17 Sep 97 - 02:11 PM

I just came across The Jumprope Hypertext Archive.
It has "Miss Lucy had a Tugboat" and 266 other jumprope rhymes!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Squid
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 07:35 PM

How about this verse for the Old Gray Mare? ver 2.0

This song was resurrected in a Tom Arnold movie, I forget the name.

There goes teacher floating down the Delaware
Chewing on her underwear
Cant afford another pair
Ten days later bitten by a polar bear
Thats how the polar bear died.

And some more words to McDonalds:
Sung to Down by the Riverside, of course

McDonalds is your kind of place
They feed you rattlesnakes
They slap them in your face
There is no parking place
French fries between your toes
Put a straw up my nose
The last time that I was there
They fried my underwear
Mc Donalds is your kind of place.

When I taught my kids that one, they wanted to know if I made it up. How could a song like that become so widely known? Its almost like McD planned it.

I guess like dg said, it is pure folk music.

And, just in time, one more comes to mind.

On top of old smokey, all covered with sand
I shot my poor teacher with a green rubber band
I shot it with pleasure I shot it with pride
I couldn't have missed her she's 50 feet wide.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 06:44 PM

Or
It's raining it's pouring
The old man is snoring
He bumped his head and he went to bed (wet his bed)
And he couldn't get up in the morning.

And we used to sing this when I was very young, obviously influenced by returning WW2 soldiers:-
I'm in the army now
I can't afford a cow
I live in a tent and pay no rent
I'm in the army now.

I'm in the army now
I sat behind a cow
The cow let off and off I shott
I'm in the air force now.

Cheers,
Alan

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alice C.
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 06:44 PM

I'm learning a lot on this thread. Anybody else have "happy birthday" variations, like

Happy birthday to you, you live in the zoo, you look like a monkey, and you smell like one too

I'm sorry, my Mac won't wrap these messages!

I also remembered "the really gross food song":

Great big gobs of greasy grimy goher guts/Mutilated monkey meat/Little turdy birdie feet(Or, "chopped up parakeet")/Great big gobs of greasy grimy gopher guts/And I forgot my spoon!/ (check in the toilet bowl!)

(Repeat, faster and faster, until kids dissolve in laughter and/or camp councellor makes you stop.)

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Frank in the swamps
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 02:02 PM

Just remembered this one, during thunderstorms...

It's pouring, it's pouring,

The old man is snoring,

He fell out of bed, and bumped his head,

Just listen to him roaring.

Frank.

P.S. Alan, much thanks for the instructions on cut & paste. When it comes to p.c. skills, I'm a good plumber.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jon W.
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 01:40 PM

Is "the dirty old man from China" a variant of "Maids when you're young never wed and old man" which is in DT?

Subject: Lyr Add: DIRTY OLD MAN FROM CHINA
From: Sheye
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 12:05 PM

Oh, Dick: this one's for you. (Ya sure ya want this?) I will deny ever having sung this. As strange as it is true, I learnt this from my grade three teacher (not during school) and am sure I am missing verses. Does anyone recall the rest?

DIRTY OLD MAN FROM CHINA

My mother told me to open the door,
But I didn't wanna.
So I opened the door and he peed on the floor,
That dirty old man from China!

My mother told me to get him a drink,
But I didn't wanna.
So I got him a drink and he showed me his dink,
That dirty old man from China.

My mother told me to take him to the movies,
But I didn't wanna.
So I took him to the movies and he looked at my boobies,
That dirty old man from China.

My mother told me to marry him,
But I didn't wanna.
So I married him and I buried him,
That dirty old man from China!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alan of Australia
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 11:51 AM

Laoise,
I can't believe I'm actually doing this but when I went to school in the fifties it went like this:

Hitler, only had one big ball
Stalin had two but very small
Himmler was something sim'lar
And poor old Goebbels had no balls at all.

I suppose we were young and innocent but we did know they weren't cricket balls. (They couldn't have been - none of the gentlemen in the song were English)

Cheers,
Alan

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 11:28 AM

Please keep these coming in! It's probably the purest form of folk music extant.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Bert
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 11:16 AM

We used to sing, to the tune of Strawberry Roan

Oh Grannie's red drawers,
Oh Grannie's red drawers,
There's a hole in the middle so Grannie can piddle
Oh Grannie's red drawers

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Frank in the swamps
Date: 16 Sep 97 - 04:57 AM

There was an old lady on my street who used to shout at the children who plagued her, particularly when the children were vulgar, so we would shout things at her house like..

Popeye the sailor man,

lived in a jar of jam,

the jam was so sticky, it stuck to his dicky,

that's Popeye the sailor man.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jack
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 05:30 PM

My best childhood memories are singing these songs on buses or on the walk home.

Here's one we didn't sing in front of mom and dad.
You had to drag out the words as indicated to give the impression you were going to say something you shouldn't


A little miss
Went out to piiiiiick som flowers
She went in grass
Up to her aaaaaaaaankles deep
She saw a bird
Lay down a Turrrrrrrrkey feather
It broke her heart
She let faaaaarrrrrrmer take her home.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jon W.
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 05:01 PM

How about this verse for the Old Gray Mare:

The old gray mare went floating down the Delaware
looking for her underware
couldn't find them anywhere
The old gray mare she had to buy another pair
Many long years ago

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alice Cascorbi
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 01:51 PM

Ok, just a few more! I have a soft spot for these kid parodies. Some must be pretty old --

(Another Popeye verse):
I'm Popeye the sailor man,
I live in the frying pan,
I turn on the gas and burn off my ass,
I'm Popeye the sailor man.

________
God bless my underwear
my only pair
stand beside it, and guide it
through the holes and the rips and the tears.
From the washer, to the dryer, to the clothesline, wild and free,
God bless my underwear, my only pair.

Others are pop-culture commentaries:

McDonald's is your kind of place
They serve you rattlesnakes
Put french fries up your nose
and hamburgers between your toes
Last time that I was there
We had to eat my underwear
McDonald's is your family place to go!

And then there are parodies of real folksongs, like the Good Ship Titanic. Most of the verses are the same as the "real" song, but there are embellishments:

Fishies and turtles, little ladies lost their girdles, it was sad when the great ship went down.
Oh it was sad (it was sad), it was sad (TOO bad!), it was sad when the great ship went down--
Uncles and aunts, little boys lost their pants, it was sad when the great ship went down.

Or this version of "Barges", which we sang all too often at Girl Scout camp:

Out of my tent flaps, looking in the night,
I can see the councelors having a fight.
Suddenly flows the water from the john,
as the councelors' fight goes on and on.
Councellors, I would like to fight with you,
I would like to beat you black and blue.
Councellors, have you treasure in your hold,
Do you fight with raccoons brave and bold?

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Alice Cascorbi
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 01:34 PM

Yeah, I remember these songs!!! Great to see this thread!!
As I remember, the "other" Miss Lucy song went:

Miss Lucy had a baby
she named him Tiny Tim
She put him in the bathtub
to see if he could swim
He drank up all the water
he ate up all the soap
he tried to eat the bathtub
but it wouldn't go down his throat
Miss Lucy called the doctor
Miss Lucy called the nurse
Miss Lucy called the lady with the alligator purse
In walked the doctor, in walked the nurse
(etc.etc.)alligator purse
The baby bit the doctor, the baby bit the nurse, the baby bit the lady with the alligator purse
Out walked the doctor, out walked the nurse, out walked the lady with the alligator purse

In Cleveland where I was a kid in the early 70's girls did this song as a clap-hands chant.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jon W.
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 10:41 AM

Well I guess my kids aren't all that naughty because the best I can come up with is the version of Rudolph the red nosed reindeer with the echos (in parentheses)

Rudolph the red nosed reindeer (reindeer)
had a very shiny nose (like a lightbulb)
and if you ever saw it (saw it)
you would even say it glows (like a lightbulb)
All of the other reindeer(reindeer)
used to laugh and call him names (like Pinochio)
they never let poor Rudolph (Rudolph)
join in any reindeer games (like football)

Then one foggy Christmas eve,
Santa came to say (ho ho ho)
Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?

Then all the reindeer loved him (loved him)
and they shouted out with glee (yippee)
Rudolph the red-nose reindeer (reindeer)
you'll go down in history (like Columbus)

If memory serves, this was featured on an episode of "The Simpsons."

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Sheye
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 10:32 AM

I can't get into the DT to see if this was ever posted,
so just in case it isn't, welcome to my childhood
naughtiness.

Three Irishmen

Three irishmen, three irishmen,
Sitting in a ditch
One called the other a dirty son of a

Peter Piper had a dog, a mighty fine dog was he,
He sold it to a lady to keep her company.
She fed it, she pet it, she taught it how to jump.
It jumped right up her petticoat and grabbed her by the

Country boy, country boy, sitting on a fence,
Along came a bumble bee and stung him on the
Cocktail, gingerale, ten cents a glass,
If you do not like it, just shove it up your

Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no more lies,
If you happen to get hit with a bucket of shit,
Be sure to close your eyes!


... and the still popular...

I have seen the burning of the burning of the school
We tortured all the teachers and we broke the golden rule.
We're gonna hang the principal tomorrow afternoon,
But I wish it were today, hey, hey, hey

Glory, glory, alleluja (sic, see what happens when you're
a non-practicing catholic, your spelling goes down the tubes.)
Teacher hit me with a ruler.
I met her at the door, with a 40-44
And she ain't gonna teach no more.


Also did the Miss Lucy thing, but the glass was behind the
Iron Curtain instead of the fridge.

These were the playground songs. The defiance we felt, and the giggling. Looking back, it was neat the way the teachers just rolled their eyes and ignored us, giving us the space to be inducted into that circle of childhood comraderie, much like the secret handshake, and knowing that we didn't mean it (really!).

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Laoise
Date: 15 Sep 97 - 10:24 AM

We had a different version to Miss Lucy...

Mary had a little lamb, she thought it rather silly,
She threw it up into the air and caught it by it's...
Willie was a sheep dog sitting on the ground
Along came a bee and stung him on his....
Ask no questions tell no lies,
Ever see a p'liceman doing up his....
Flies are a nuisance, bugs are worse
And this is the end of my silly little verse.


On the penultimate day of school we used to sing a couple of wee ditty's:

One more day of school, one more day of sorrow,
One more day of this and that
We'll be home tomorrow.

We used to make up the rest of the verses, usually about some teacher we all loved to hate.

Then there was the old wartime favourite:

Hitler, only had one ball
The other was in the Albert Hall

It went on for a bit (memory fading here) but it ended something like ...and Goeble's had no balls at all...

Not only did we not have a clue what these "balls" were, (I certainly didn't), we didn't even know who Hitler was when we first learnt it.

Anyone know the rest of these?

Slan

Laoise

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Akiba
Date: 14 Sep 97 - 05:30 PM

Catfeet: Now you're into another genre: jumprope chants. Would anyone like to start a new thread?

Akiba

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Catfeet
Date: 14 Sep 97 - 05:02 PM

My 2 cents and a different version of the Miss Lucy song.

Miss Lucy had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell
Miss Lucy went to heaven the steamboat went to
Hello operator, give me number nine,
And if you disconnect me I'll kick you
Right behind the 'frigerator there was a piece of glass
Miss Lucy sat upon it, it went right up her
Ask me no more questions, I'll tell you no more lies.
The boys are in the bathroom zipping up their
Flies are in the garbage the bees are in the park
The boys and girls are kissing in the D A R K, D A R K,
Dark is like a movie, a movie's like a show,
A show is like a TV set and that is all I know know know.

I also seem to remember one about Miss Lucy having a baby and giving it a bath, but she used bubble bath, which the baby ate, so she called the doctor and the lady with the alligator purse. I'll have to ask my sister about that one. It was one I remember her bringing home from school.

Catfeet

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Barry
Date: 14 Sep 97 - 03:41 PM

These steamboat versions seem to run close to the Bang Bang Lulu genere (she was famous in the US Navy). See Bang Bang Lulu in the DT Barry Finn

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Joe Offer
Date: 14 Sep 97 - 01:55 AM

Hey, lookie there! TWO versions of "Humoresque! Who woulda thunk it. Thanks for pointing that out, Dick. The versatility of the database never ceases to amaze me. It covers just about every durn thing, and then some.
-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Akiba
Date: 14 Sep 97 - 01:09 AM

Another version of the steamboat/bell song:

Lulu had a steamboat; steamboat had a bell;
Lulu went to heaven; steamboat went to...
Hello, operator; give me number nine;
If you don't I'll kick you, right in the ...
Behind the 'frigerator, Lulu broke a glass;
Then she slipped upon it and broke her big,fat ...
Ask me no questions; I'll tell you no lies;
If you do , I'll punch you right between the eyes!

Ah! The innocence of youth!

Akiba

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Jerry Friedman
Date: 13 Sep 97 - 03:13 PM

Our variant of the third line above was "I eat all the worms and I spit out the germs"

LaMarca, here in the home of the brave (Cleveland, Ohio, to be precise) we used to sing, "I bopped her on the bean with a rotten tangerine,/ And boy did she turn green." I think I've heard the version about the .44 too.

And here's the version I remember of the steamboat/bell song Earl mentioned, with more "jokes":

Miss Lucy had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell,
Miss Lucy went to heaven and the steamboat went to
Hello, operator, give me number nine,
And if you disconnect me I will kick you in the
Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass.
Miss Lucy stepped upon it and she broke her little
Ask me no more questions, I'll tell you no more lies,
And that's the end of Lucy's little lovable lullabies!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Earl
Date: 13 Sep 97 - 10:06 AM

I'm Popeye the Sailor Man
I live in a garbage can
I love to go swimmin with bare naked women
I'm Popeye the Sailor Man

(not in the database)

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: rich r
Date: 13 Sep 97 - 09:16 AM

OK after I posted, I thought I'd probably have to clarify (to make it butter?)

Joe's got a head like a ping-pong ball
Joe's got a head like a ping-pong ball
Joe's got a head like a ping-pong ball, ping-pong, ping-pong ball
Joe's got a head lie a ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong ball
Joe's got a head like a ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong, ping-pong ball...(back to the first line)

In the same vein (weather you like it or not), you can also convey the real story.

William Tell, William Tell, see they've got your son
William Tell, William Tell, he's the only one,
William Tell, William Tell, apple on his head,
If you miss, he'll be dead.
William Tell, William Tell, now you take your shot
William Tell, William Tell, Oh it's dead he's not
William Tell, William Tell, this is Gessler's doin'
And Rossini wrote the tune (last word pronounced to rhyme with "doin'")

Now to "Humoresque"

Following the Sherman's horse triplet:

Washington was very firm
And Lincoln didn't even squirm
Darling, that's why I'm in love with you.

Another verse is:

If you simply have to go
When other people are too slow
There is only one thing you can do.
You'll just have to take a chance
Be brave and do it in your pants
But I'll forgive you, darling I love you.

It has been reported that the original verse "Passengers etc." was co-written in the 1930's by former Supreme Court Justice William O Douglas and a fellow Yale law professor Thurman Arnold as they were riding on the New Haven Railroad. They were inspired by a sign in the toilet. Thurman reportedly addressed the passengers and taught them to sing the song in unison.

Here is a somewhat bawdier version that incorporates a few of the original lines:

I love to go out after dark
And goose the statues in the park
A lovely pastime at the close of day
Unperturbed they stand so still,
While WHOOPS! it's me that gets the thrill
It really is a lovely way to play.

I've noticed lately
They stand so stately
Out there in the dark when dew is on the ground
I sometimes tease them
And do displease them
If I fail to show up as the sun goes down.

The Thinker is the only one
With whom I can have no fun
He sits upon a boulder, rough and coarse
Napoleon sits upon his steed
I cannot goose him, no indeed
And so instead I goose his horse.

Passengers will please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station, I love you
Prostitutes and lovely ladies
Have to douche or they'll have babies
If Sherman's horse can take it why can't you?

Ever since you met our Nelly
She's had trouble with her belly
Wish you'd never seen our little town
Ever since I met your Venus
I've had trouble with my penis
Wish I'd never seen your little town.

Source - "Erotic Muse" by Ed Cray

rich r

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: RS
Date: 13 Sep 97 - 06:14 AM

To rich r: Your post says: "The tune for the title song is the Overture from William Tell (aka the Lone Ranger's theme). That is all of the words. The lines are filled in by adding various numbers of "ping" and "pong" to fit the notes". Do you mean something like - "ping ping ping, ping ping ping, ping ping ping pong ping" ???

By the way, where does the Lone Ranger take his garbage out?

"To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump"!!!

Subject: Lyr Add: PASSENGERS WILL PLEASE REFRAIN
From: Joe Offer
Date: 13 Sep 97 - 03:32 AM

PASSENGERS WILL PLEASE REFRAIN
(sung to the tune of Humoresque)

Passengers will please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station, I love you.

We encourage constipation
While the train is in the station,
Moonlight always makes me think of you.

If you need to pass some water
Kindly call the Pullman porter,
He'll place a vessel in the vestibule.

If these measures are in vain,
Simply break a windowpane
This novel method's used by very few

As we go romping through the park
Goosing statues in the dark,
If Sherman's horse can take it, why can't you??

Somebody brought this to our song circle this evening. Somebody said there are other verses, including one about "hobos riding underneath" and "when knighthood was in flower and maidens lost their heads…." Anybody know the rest of those verses?

-Joe Offer-

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: rich r
Date: 13 Sep 97 - 12:36 AM

A rather sizeable collection of these types of songs can be found in the book "Joe's Got A Head Like a Ping Pong Ball" by Marcia and Jon Pankake. It was originally published in 1988 under the title of "A Prairie Home Companion Folk Song Book". The idea for the book derived from a "Department of Folksong" segment that Garrison Keillor had for a couple years on his radio show. Listeners were encouraged to send in lyrics and tunes they remembered from childhood. Some of them were sung on the show by Garrison, Kate McKenzie, Greg Brown, Robin & Linda Williams and other guests. At one point they did an entire program of these songs. The book was reissued a couple years later with the new title. The tune for the title song is the Overture from William Tell (aka the Lone Ranger's theme). That is all of the words. The lines are filled in by adding various numbers of "ping" and "pong" to fit the notes.

rich r

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Squid
Date: 12 Sep 97 - 07:18 PM

Swear I did not see this thread b4 I posted my Heigh Ho one.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 12 Sep 97 - 06:44 PM

Or, you coul search for @kids or @camp.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Earl
Date: 12 Sep 97 - 06:35 PM

Here's a naughty song to the tune of "Goodnight Ladies"

Mary had a steamboat, the steamboat had a bell
The steamboat went to heaven and Mary went to
Hello operator give me number nine
If they do not answer please refund my dime
Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies
If you get hit with a bucket of shit be sure to shut your eyes

There are more verses.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Susan of DT
Date: 12 Sep 97 - 06:33 PM

try @parody in the DT - we have plenty of that ilk

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Earl
Date: 12 Sep 97 - 06:22 PM

Jose, can you see, any bedbugs on me?
If you do, take a few, they look better on you

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From:
Date: 12 Sep 97 - 06:11 PM

Tune "My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean"

My body has tuberculosis
Yes TB has rotted my lungs.
I cough up blood by the buckets
It dries and they sell it for gum.
(chorus) Dentine, Dentine, Never chew Dentine again, again
Dentine, Dentine, Never chew Dentine again.

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Akiba
Date: 12 Sep 97 - 05:55 PM

Didja ever think when the hearse goes by,
That you might be the next to die?
They wrap you up in a big white sheet,
And drop you down about six feet deep,
Where all goes well for about a week,
Until your insides begin to leak.
The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,
It looks just like green saurkraut.
You spread it on a piece of bread
And that's what you eat when you are dead!

(One version of many.)

There are some I remember only the beginning of, which may jog others memories, like:

Jingle bells, shotgun shells...

Glory, glory, Hallelujah, teacher hit me with a ruler...

Jose, can you see, any bedbugs on me?...

Great green gobs of gooey grimy gopher guts,
Marinated monkey meat, little dirty birdie feet,
Swimmin' in contaminated milk. ...

Finally, some folk songs I know!

Akiba (Shula's custodian)

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: LaMarca
Date: 12 Sep 97 - 04:55 PM

The Scottish/Texan folksinger, Ed Miller, has been collecting a whole bunch of these playground favorites, and does a bunch of them in concert. (Is the original request from you, Ed? you didn't sign it...) He notes that he's heard variations of "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school" both here and in Scotland. There's a classic line about a teacher; in Scotland (Glasgow, I think?) it goes:

"I hit her in the bean with a rotten tangerine,
And she ain't gonna teach no more!"

Here in the Land of the Free and the Home of the NRA it usually goes:

"I shot her from the door with a loaded 44,
And she ain't gonna teach no more!"

My memories of favorite playground ditties is sadly faded; the only one that has stuck (other than "Greasy, Grimy Gopher Guts) is a parody of a TV ad jingle, to the tune of Colonel Bogey's March:

"Comet, it tastes like gasoline;
Comet, it makes your hair (or teeth) turn green;
Comet, it makes you vomit,
So have some Comet, and vomit today!"

I like today's violent parodies of the sicky-sweet Barney song; there's lots of variations on this one.:

"I hate you, you hate me,
Let's go out and kill Barney,
And a shot rang out and Barney hit the floor,
No more purple dinosaur!"

These are fun; hope to see a lot more!

Subject: RE: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From: Bert
Date: 12 Sep 97 - 04:06 PM

Back in the Fifties kids were singing - to the tune "Yellow Rose of Texas"

Oh the Yellow Rose of Texas and the Man from Laramie
went down to Davy Crockett's to have a cup of tea
The tea was so delicious they had another cup
and poor old Davy Crockett had to do the washing up.

TTFN, Bert.

Subject: Naughty kids'greatest hits
From:
Date: 12 Sep 97 - 03:56 PM

I'd like to collect lyrics to kids' songs that were never part of any class songbook- like the ones that started "Mine eyes have seen the glory of the burning of the school-" or "jingle bells, batman smells, robin laid an egg-"etc.(I read the greasy grimy gopher guts thread.) I think Matt Groening did one of his life in hell cartoons about some of these songs.Anyone remember any gems from their own past?

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