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BS: Spread a little happiness

Patrish(inactive) 30 Nov 00 - 05:12 AM
CarolC 30 Nov 00 - 05:17 AM
Patrish(inactive) 30 Nov 00 - 07:25 AM
Patrish(inactive) 30 Nov 00 - 10:46 AM
MMario 30 Nov 00 - 11:01 AM
Wavestar 30 Nov 00 - 12:08 PM
mousethief 30 Nov 00 - 12:12 PM
Mrrzy 30 Nov 00 - 01:20 PM
annamill 30 Nov 00 - 01:31 PM
Morticia 30 Nov 00 - 01:43 PM
Noreen 30 Nov 00 - 02:19 PM
Hollowfox 30 Nov 00 - 02:59 PM
mousethief 30 Nov 00 - 04:13 PM
Catrin 30 Nov 00 - 04:27 PM
Micca 30 Nov 00 - 04:43 PM
Catrin 30 Nov 00 - 05:25 PM
mousethief 30 Nov 00 - 05:25 PM
mousethief 30 Nov 00 - 05:44 PM
Liz the Squeak 30 Nov 00 - 06:10 PM
Troll 30 Nov 00 - 11:51 PM
katlaughing 01 Dec 00 - 12:01 AM
CarolC 01 Dec 00 - 05:39 AM
Patrish(inactive) 01 Dec 00 - 11:18 AM
Bardford 01 Dec 00 - 12:40 PM
Mrrzy 01 Dec 00 - 12:46 PM
Ebbie 01 Dec 00 - 03:03 PM
Morticia 01 Dec 00 - 03:40 PM
Micca 01 Dec 00 - 05:18 PM
Morticia 01 Dec 00 - 05:45 PM
Bardford 01 Dec 00 - 05:48 PM
GUEST,Mickey191 01 Dec 00 - 06:00 PM
Jim Dixon 01 Dec 00 - 06:57 PM
Jim Dixon 02 Dec 00 - 10:31 AM
Clifton53 02 Dec 00 - 10:46 AM
mousethief 02 Dec 00 - 01:07 PM
Hollowfox 02 Dec 00 - 01:58 PM
flattop 02 Dec 00 - 02:55 PM
Noreen 02 Dec 00 - 03:33 PM
Noreen 04 Dec 00 - 10:21 AM
Wolfgang 04 Dec 00 - 10:31 AM
Patrish(inactive) 04 Dec 00 - 10:47 AM
Grab 04 Dec 00 - 01:52 PM
Megan L 04 Dec 00 - 03:12 PM
Megan L 04 Dec 00 - 03:14 PM
Megan L 04 Dec 00 - 03:16 PM
Megan L 04 Dec 00 - 03:34 PM
Lyrical Lady 04 Dec 00 - 07:15 PM
Troll 05 Dec 00 - 03:08 PM

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Subject: Spread a little happiness
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 05:12 AM

The 7 dwarves go to see the pope led by dopey. he goes up to the pope and says "your eminence are there any dwarf nuns here in Rome?" The pope says "sorry my son, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome"
The rest of the dwarves start to laugh and dopey tells them to shut up
He goes back up to the pope and Says "Are there any dwarf nuns in Europe?" The pope says "sorry my son there are no dwarf nuns in Europe" The other dwarves fall about laughing and again dopey tells them to shut up
He goes back to the Pope and asks him a third question "Your eminence, are there and dwarf nuns in the world?"
The Pope has to go check with his advisors, he comes back and says"No my son there are no dwarf nuns in the world"
This is too much for the other dwarves, who by this time are hystericaly shouting "Dopey shagged a penguin"


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: CarolC
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 05:17 AM

You know why Minnie Mouse divorced Mickey Mouse don't you? . ;-) . ;-) . ;-) . (wait for it)... . . . He was f**king Goofy


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 07:25 AM

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 10:46 AM

I started this thread because I thought I had been a bit miserable and didn't want you all to think all my threads were going to be sad ones. And to be a bit sad I do not have enough Jokes to keep this going. The idea behind it was to balance out some of the threads that are not happy - you know the ones tear your heart out. I just wanted to try and make you smle
A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!" love Patrish xxxx


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: MMario
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 11:01 AM

Patrish - these are great! wish I could tell jokes; something always messes up when I try tho...


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Wavestar
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 12:08 PM

ROFL, Patrish... the Seven Dwarves one is a favourite of mine.

-J


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 12:12 PM

A jockey who had never ridden a losing horse was asked, upon his retirement, what his secret was.

He said, "I just whispered a little poem into the horse's ear before the race:

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Horses that lose
Are made into glue.


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 01:20 PM

Someone once asked a famous (male) jockey what he thought if he was beaten by a woman rider, and he answered "that she had a faster horse." Some people aren't necessarily sexist...but here is my favorite sexist joke: Why don't women have brains?

...because they don't have a penis to carry them around in!


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: annamill
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 01:31 PM

I really wish some men would stop trying to give ME their brains!!

;-) Love, annamill


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Morticia
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 01:43 PM

In order to carry on the low tone set by my esteemed friend Patrish...A penguin is driving through a small town when his car breaks down. He takes it into a garage who reckon they can look at it in half an hour or so. The penguin decides to go and have some lunch while he's waiting and finds the nearest Iceland where he buys a tub of ice-cream and a packet of fish fingers, then he sets off back to the garage dipping the fish fingers in to the ice cream and having a thoroughly lovely time.
He gets back to the garage to find the mechanic underneath his car, so he bends down ( not easy for a penguin) and says "What's the trouble then , mate?". Mechanic looks up and says " I reckon you've blown a seal"
" No, I haven't" says the penguin, hastily wiping his mouth..."it's just ice-cream"


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Noreen
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 02:19 PM

Oh all right then, if I must...

Q. Why do women get married in white?
A. Because all household appliances are white...

Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A. So they can get close to the kichen sink...

But don't, repeat DON'T, ask me how many women with PMS it takes to change a light-bulb...

Noreen


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Hollowfox
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 02:59 PM

"Go ask Papa." the young girl said.
But the young man knew that Papa was dead,
And he knew of the life that Papa had led,
So, alas, he knew what she meant when she said,
"Go ask Papa."


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 04:13 PM

If you take both viagra and rogaine, does it make your hair stand on end?


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Catrin
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 04:27 PM

"Mummy, mummy, what's an orgasm?"

"I dunno love, ask your father"


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Micca
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 04:43 PM

Why is urine yellow and semen white???
So you know whether you are coming or going


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Catrin
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 05:25 PM

Oh my - I don't nderstand ANY of these jokes - not even the one I posted. Honest.


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 05:25 PM

A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week. She said to the doctor: "Please, tell my husband." The doctor goes out in the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week.

The 80 year old husband replies: "Which days?"

The doctor says, "How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday."

The husband says, "I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays she'll have to take the bus."


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: mousethief
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 05:44 PM

Okay, last one today, I swear.

-----

A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked "Johnny, what is your problem?

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in 3rd grade & I am smarter than she is! I think I should be in 3rd grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the problem was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions, he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.

Johnny is brought in and the conditions are explained to him & he agrees to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the 3rd grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Johnny both agree.

The teachers asks, "What does a cow have 4 of that I have only 2 of?"

Johnny, after a moment: "Legs."

Teacher: "What's in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principle's eyes open really wide, but before he could stop the answer, Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: "What word starts with an "F" and ends in "K" that means a lot of excitement?"

Johnny: "Firetruck"

The principal breathes a sigh of relief and tells the teacher, "Put Johnny in 5th grade, I missed the last four questions myself."


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 06:10 PM

What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside down?

At least 2 brunettes.....

Thank you Morty, you have made the whole office very happy (after I'd explained it to Gavin the "Wonderboy" - who is so stupid he thinks being called 'Wonderboy' is a compliment.....)

LTS


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Troll
Date: 30 Nov 00 - 11:51 PM

Why is taking Viagra like a trip to Disney World?
It's a two hour wait for a two minute ride.

troll


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: katlaughing
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 12:01 AM

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory. The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.

At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically. After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles."


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: CarolC
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 05:39 AM

I knew a guy who took a whole bottle of Viagra all at one time.


He had a stiff neck for a week...


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 11:18 AM

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f*** the cat."


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Bardford
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 12:40 PM

I don't know if this will spread happiness or anger. I'm at work and don't have time for the entire jokes, so I'll leave you with the punch lines, which quite possibly might be a major violation of joke-telling protocol. On the other hand, it might not. The thing is, I don't recall the actual joke for a couple of the punchlines.

"I went to the pub next door to see if I could do it."

"The rest of us usually ride the camel into town."

"Take the Domino's pizza sign off the roof."

"Yeah, but look how wide it is."

"I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

"He just thinks he's Jack Nicklaus."

Someones going to lose a trailer.

"He sure as hell did, ma, he went and f***ed the brown cow again."

"I should have told you yesterday."

"That guy over there wants to buy your shoe."

Bardford


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 12:46 PM

OK, I know the ones about the trailer and the paw; am awaiting enlightenment on the others. (Now that I think of it, I *have heard* those 2 but can't remember the setup either for the trailer one!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Ebbie
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 03:03 PM

This fella in the bar is a bit in his cups and feeling all-powerful. He slams down his glass, turns around and says, I can whip any man in this bar!

No one raises their heads. He says, I can whip any man in this town!

Everyone ignores him. He says, I can whip any man in this county!

This big guy gets tired of this. He rises and makes his way to the first guy and looms over him.

Hastily, the guy says, Oh, oh, too much territory!

Eb


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Morticia
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 03:40 PM

I can fill in the camel joke( wouldn't you just know it......Officer gets posted to the French Foreign Legion, Outpost from Hell Division.All they have there are a couple of tents, a well and a camel.
New chap says " I say, corporal! What does one do when one is a feeling in need of ....erm...female company, so to speak?" Corporal says " Well Sir, we just avail ourselves of the camel". New chap is a little startled by this and decides, as it isn't a particularly attractive specimen, he isn't likely ever to become that desperate.....however...some weeks and months go by and damn me if that camel isn't looking kind of fetching after all.
Eventually his resolve crumbles and he orders the men to get the beast bathed and sent into his tent where a night of passion ensues.Chap emerges from his tent the following morning looking somewhat shamefaced but a lot relieved and says," Damn good idea, having that camel about".The corporal says " Well, yes, I suppose so, but the rest of us usually just ride it into town".


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Micca
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 05:18 PM

This giving the punch lines only was used to great effect in a book called "The Shy Photographer" by Jock Carroll, which is hilarious,and I would reccommend, and uses Jokes or punchlines as the chapter headings, including the (for me)immortal " What did you give that poor starvng old man on the park bench?? Oh 100th/sec at f.22"


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Morticia
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 05:45 PM

He wants to focus........ What, both of US?


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Bardford
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 05:48 PM

Doctor says I've got good news and I've got bad news. Patient says give me the bad news first. "We have to amputate your foot." "What's the good news?"
"That guy over there wants to buy your shoe."

Which reminds me- I heard a song a couple of years ago. Kind of madrigal-y take on the "I cried because I had no shoes till a met a man who had no feet" thing. A very funny piece. Anybody know this one?

Peace, Bardford


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: GUEST,Mickey191
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 06:00 PM

The bride returned from her honeymoon untouched & couldn't understand her husband's lack of desire. She went to the doctor & he said, "I've something here which will fix him right up, a special kind of dog biscuit. Grind it up & add it to his cereal, and he'll act like a great dane." A month later the bride went back to the doctor & and he asked how her husband was. She said, "he's dead." "Oh my God what happened?" asked the Dr. "Well he was in the driveway, licking his balls and I ran over him." Slainte, Mickey


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 06:57 PM

An old farmer goes to the doctor. The doctor asks him, "What's wrong?"

The man says, "I must be getting old."

The doctor says, "Well, what are the symptoms?"

The man says, "Well, I can't taste anything. I can't ever tell the truth. And my memory is going bad."

The doctor goes outside and finds some horseshit, which he rolls into little balls. He puts several of them into a bottle and gives them to the man. He tells him to take one right away, and that he should chew it up.

The man pops one pill into his mouth, chews it, and spits it out, saying, "Damn! That tastes like horseshit!"

The doctor says, "Well, I see it has cured your sense of taste. And you can tell the truth pretty good. And if you ever think you have lost your memory, just take another one of them pills."


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 10:31 AM

A Swedish-American WW1 hero was being interviewed on the BBC. "Dere ve vere in de trenchess," he said. "It had been real qviet all day. An den ve heard diss noice, an ve looked up in de sky, an dere vass diss fokker comin right at us."

"Excuse me," said the interviewer. "Perhaps we had better explain to our listeners that the Fokker was a type of German aeroplane that was equipped with machine guns. Isn't that right?"

"Ya, dat's right," said the war hero. "Dere vass an airplane called de Fokker. I remember dat. But DISS fokker vass a Messerschmitt."


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Clifton53
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 10:46 AM

Do you know the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?

Well, a circus is an array of cunning stunts.


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: mousethief
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 01:07 PM

I think you mean the one by the Foremen, on their "Folk Heroes" CD (of which I have 2 copies, but one is on long-term loan-- I don't think the guy I loaned it to even remembers he has it anymore -- which is why I bougth the 2nd copy, come to think of it.)

I was feeling sorry for myself
Because I had no shoes
And then I met a man who had no feet
And I said, "Friend,
can I have your shoes?"
---Roy Zimmerman

Alex


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Hollowfox
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 01:58 PM

It was the birthday of the oldest man in the old folks home (or whatever they're calling them this week). His cronies decided to give him a classic gift, so they hired a stripper to pop put of the birthday cake. She was a stunner, too. The birthday boy sat and stared, along with all his buddies. The lady happily said,"I've come to give you some super sex!" The man thought a moment and said,"I think I'll take the soup."


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: flattop
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 02:55 PM

Bette Middler on age differences: Twenty goes into sixty more times than sixty goes into twenty.


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Noreen
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 03:33 PM

Ok, Patrish- a friend's idea of the perfect woman:-

She makes mad, passionate love until 2.30 am and then turns into a pizza.


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Noreen
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 10:21 AM

An American visitor to Wales is fascinated with the 'unpronounceable' place names that he sees on the map, and decides to take in Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch on his tour.

He arrives, parks, and as it's time for lunch he walks into an eatery and orders. While he's waiting he asks the girl behind the counter: "Say, can you tell me, very slowly, where I am?"

To which she replies, "Of course, Sir. BU....R..GER... K...IN..G.."


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Wolfgang
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 10:31 AM

Christmas comes but once a year (aka Thank Christ for Christmas)

Wolfgang


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Patrish(inactive)
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 10:47 AM

A man is walking down the street and he sees a boy riding a wagon. The boy has his dog pulling it with a rope attached to the dogs balls. The man says "You know if you tied it around his neck, it would go faster." The boy replies,"I know but then I wouldn't get the cool siren."


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Grab
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 01:52 PM

A man goes to his doctor and says, "Doc, you've got to help me. I keep dreaming I'm making love to a packet of biscuits."

"What kind of biscuits?" asks the doctor.

"Cheese biscuits," comes the reply.

"Oh, that's easy," says the doctor. "You're f*cking crackers."

Grab.


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Megan L
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 03:12 PM

Friend sent me this when I was down in the dumps.

SWITCHBOARD MESSAGE AT THE MENTAL HEALTH INSTITUTE

> >> Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.... > >> 1 If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. > >> 2 If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. > >> 3 If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. > >> 4 If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so that we can trace your call. > >> 5 If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. > >> 6 If you are a schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. > >> 7 If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. > >> 8 If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. > >> 9 If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name. > >>10 If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000 > >>11 If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. > >>12 If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Megan L
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 03:14 PM

Brian was given a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully >grown with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word >was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least >rude. > >Brian tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly >saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of >to try and set a good example.? Nothing worked. >He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird >and the bird just got angry and ruder. > >Finally, in a moment of desperation, Brian put the parrot in the >freezer. > >For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream -- >then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute. >Brian was worried that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the >freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Brian's extended arm and >said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. >I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am >truly sorry and beg your forgiveness." > >Brian was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was >about to ask why there was such a dramatic change, when the parrot >continued?? > >"Err?.. may I ask what it was that the chicken did?"


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Megan L
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 03:16 PM

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. > > They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. > > Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job." > > So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. > > Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. > > Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" > > Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. > > "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" > > God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Megan L
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 03:34 PM

Ok 1 final one before I go lie down in a darkened room.

SPELLING ERROR

Two monks were working busily in the scriptorium copying the sacred manuscript. The younger monk asks the older "Brother is this word right" to which the elder replies "Of course, carry on writing."

After a little while the young monk again looks troubled and to set his mind at rest the elder monk says he will go down to the vault and check what they have written against the original.

Lunch time arrives and the old monk has still not returned from the vault, but the young man assumes he is checking the document very thoroughly, so he carries on working.

However when it is time for the evening meal and the older monk has still not returned from the vault the young man becomes worried and rushes to tell the abbott.

Together the two men make thier way down to the vault and are worried to hear weeping and wailing. Thinking thier brother must be injured they hurry onwards, the distressed sound ringing in thier ears. At last they reach the door of the vault and there in the middle of the room sits the old monk tears streaming down his face.

"What is wrong my son?" asks the abbott anxiously, the old man lifts his tear stained face and wails "It said Celebrate, Celebrate."

Thanks Patrish for starting this thread today was my first day back at work after being in Glasgow for my Dad's funeral, felt pretty lousey but you have reminded me that humour is the best way to remember. Thank You

M.


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Lyrical Lady
Date: 04 Dec 00 - 07:15 PM

My name is John McTavish and I'm a fence builder. I've built the highest, the strongest and the finest fences in Scotland. BUT do they say ... There goes John McTavish the fence builder? OH NAE, they do not! I build houses. I've built the highest, the strongest and the best houses in all of Scotland. BUT dooo they say AHhhhh...it's John McTavish the house builder!? NAE, they DO NOT! BUT.... you f**k one sheep.....

Lyrical Lady's bad sister!


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Subject: RE: BS: Spread a little happiness
From: Troll
Date: 05 Dec 00 - 03:08 PM

A few silly bits.

The Name of the Game

cricket n Extremely popular British sport with no discernible rules, beginning, end, or point. It's not clear that there ever is a winner

polo n. An Anglo-Indian game in which two teams on horseback flay away at a small ball with mallets. Devised by the Brits in India and Burma between tea breaks. The fact that the time units are call chukkers indicates that gin plays a role, somewhere, in the whole process.

poussette n. A country style dance in which couples join hands, swing around the floor, and generally act like they enjoy living in rural poverty. Comes from the French (which figures somehow) and might have something to do with the mental state one has to be in to consider using cabbage for soup with snails as a main course.

soccer n. A European warm-up exercise for rioting.

Old Favorites

A good man has few enemies. A ruthless man has none.

A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.

A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist

A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.

A rose by any other name would be "deadly thorn-bearing assault vegetation."

A sucking chest wound is just nature's way of telling you to slow down.

As soon as you pull out the pin, Mister Hand Grenade stops being your friend.

At first there was nothing. Then God said 'Let there be light!' Then there was still nothing. But you could see it.

Between two evils, always pick the one you never tried before.

Del Mar: Where poverty is neither a philosophy nor a way of life.

Drive defensively; buy a tank.

He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine "success."

Jake liked his women how he liked his kiwi fruit; firm yet yielding, sweet yet tart, and covered with short fuzzy brown hair.

Never trust a cop with a rubber glove.

No man is an island, but then no man is a potato salad, either.

Power corrupts. Absolute power is kinda neat.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. (Philip K. Dick)

troll


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Mudcat time: 27 May 6:27 PM EDT

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