Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes

Subject: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: Peter T.
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 01:23 PM

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I am as sick of the American election news as anyone else, and we have had many threads. But the jokes are still pretty good, beginning with the "Offical Florida Ballot". I suggest a need a place for the jokes, separate from the ominous bits, and the mutual accusations, and so on. Noted from Late Night with Conan O'Brien:

"Senator Joe Lieberman called the voting recount in Florida 'incomplete.' In response, George W. Bush said, "Hey, what's wrong with 'incomplete'? That was my best grade in college."

yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: Robo
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 02:10 PM

Of course you've heard of the electile disfunction down in Florida . . .

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: Naemanson
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 02:16 PM

The Japanese have sent 40,000 cases of Viagra to Washington because they've heard we can't achieve an election.

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 02:23 PM

I've been waiting for these... come on, guys, we gotta do better than this! Not that I can think of anything, but what about all of y'all? The funniest thing I heard was the Libyans, and soon after the Cubans, offering to send impartial observers to the election... and that was real news!

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 02:38 PM

Remember what Tom Lehrer said about it being impossible to satirise a world that gave Kissinger a Peace Prize.

Any jokes about that election which are funnier than the real thing (and just because something is absurd that doesn't mean it's not tragic as well) would have to be remarkably funny.

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: MMario
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 02:44 PM

I liked the clip from Letterman they showed on the news this morning.

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 05:47 PM

You might enjoy this cartoon from The Guardian.

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: SINSULL
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 05:58 PM

Just so everyone understands: The problem is not that half the country voted for Bush and the other half voted for Gore. The real problem is that half the country voted AGAINST Bush and the other half voted AGAINST Gore. Nobody wants either one of them. Long live King Clinton!

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 09:17 PM

No - a little under one quarter of the country voted for Bush and a little under one quarter voted for Gore. The rest of the country didn't like the look of either of them, which figures.

But that's no joke. Let's have some, even if they don't measure up to the big one in Florida.

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: Troll
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 10:38 PM

Anything that I could say about the election OR the candidates would be either the truth or a compliment.

troll

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 10:48 PM

THE GORE WENT DOWN TO FLORIDA
(To the tune of "Devil Went Down to Georgia")

The Gore went down to Florida, he was looking for a vote to steal.
He was in a bind, he was way behind, he was willing to make it look real.
When he came across this young boy punchin'on a ballot and gettin' it right.

Well the Gore jumped up on a hickory stump, said, "Boy let me tell you what.
"I guess you didn't know it, but I'm a ballot-puncher too,
Now if you're game to take some blame, well I'll make a bet with you.
Now you punch pretty good ballot boy, but give the Gore his due,
I'll bet a key of gold against your soul 'cause I'm a-runnin 'with a Jew."

The boy said, "My name's Dubya and it might be a sin, But I'll take your bet, and you're gonna regret, 'cause I'm the man that's gonna win."

Dubya take your stylus out and punch your ballot hard, 'cause Gore's broke loose in Florida and the Gore prints extra cards.
And if you win you'll get this shiny key that's made of gold,
But if you lose the V.P. gets your soul.

So the Gore opened up his case and said, "I'll start this show."
And fire flew from his stylus tips as he started punchin' holes.
When he drew back that hand of his, it made an evil hiss. Then a band of Liebermans joined in, and it sounded something like this.

(instrumental break..what sound like a stylus?)

When the Gore was finished, Dubya said,"Well you're pretty good old son.
Now sit down in that chair right there, and let me show you how it's won."

He played "Boys, here's the part where ya take some notes.
Gore's in the state with the decidin' votes,
'Crats in the count room, punchin' out chads,
Handin' out cigs to grammar school grads."

The Gore then bowed his head because he knew that he'd been beat.
He laid that golden key on the ground at Dubya's feet.
Dubya said, "Gore, just come on back if you ever wanna try again,
I done told you once, you son of the rich, I'm the man that's gonna win."

He played "Boys, here's the part where ya take some notes.
Gore's in the state with the decidin' votes,
'Crats in the count room, punchin' out chads,
Handin' out cigs to grammar school grads."

Submitted by Jerry Dodson

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: Jeri
Date: 01 Dec 00 - 11:40 PM

How many Florida voters does it take to change a light bulb?
7...no, wait - 23...no, wait - 347...er, hang on - 16...

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: Banjer
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 12:15 AM

NASA's version.....the countdown for the liftoff of the space shuttle Endeavor is on hold pending a recount of the last 45 minutes.....

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: Parson
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 12:51 AM

Did you see the editorial cartoon, (sorry, I forgot who drew it) of the little boy standing before the teacher's desk holding a test paper with a grade of 75. The teacher is saying, "What do you mean, you demand a recount?"

Randall

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: Willie-O
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 07:45 PM

Over dinner at an international medical convention, four doctors were talking about recent medical advances in their respective countries.

The Canadian doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks."

The German doctor said, "That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks."

The Russian doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks."

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said, "Ha! We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put it in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day."

Subject: RE: Oh, Why Not? American Election Jokes
From: dwditty
Date: 02 Dec 00 - 08:14 PM

It is clearly a case of the host body rejecting the donor organs.

dw