You get no bride with one lost ball

Subject: RE: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: GUEST,3' Shift
Date: 16 May 21 - 02:14 AM

After the ball was over,
Dennie said "Mud in yer eye!"
Laid her false teeth on the table,
(They'll rust if she don't let 'em dry.)
Many a part is aching;
In the D. T. read it all.
Many the hopes that have vanished
After the ball.

Subject: RE: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Leadfingers
Date: 04 Jan 07 - 12:30 PM

That's a bit good Bob - It may well be in my Rep soon !! Thanks !

Subject: RE: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Charley Noble
Date: 04 Jan 07 - 09:36 AM

Bob-

It was kind of you to fulfill the promise of this ancient thread.

I'm almost tempted to research this story as an "urban legend" but why spoil such an intriguing story.

When asked what was her plea, the wife's friend replied with biting sarcasm, "I thought I'd have a ball but it was more like a peanut."

Cheerily,
Charley Ignoble

Subject: RE: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Jan 07 - 09:08 PM

The sod!
The dirty sod!
The bastard deserves to die.
How shall he die?

Subject: RE: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: GUEST,Bob Coltman
Date: 03 Jan 07 - 06:34 PM

Oh yes, forgot to mention. The melody is, of course, "One Meat Ball."

Subject: RE: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: GUEST,Bob Coltman
Date: 03 Jan 07 - 06:32 PM

Roger the Skiffler: I know, seven years is a long time to wait ... but it's the magical period that has to elapse in all fairy tales, right?

So, here you are. All honors to you for the title and the idea. Hope you're still reading threads, coz here it comes.

(Yes, Sorcha, I was wondering about the logistics of those trousers or lack thereof, too.)

Bob

YOU GET NO BRIDE WITH ONE LOST BALL

A little man he scratched his head, to find a place where he might wed,
And afterward a lovely ball, with cakes and wine for one and all,

Cho1:        One and all, one and all, With cakes and wine for one and all.

The wedding it was very posh, he and the missus hitched, by gosh,
He really hit the alcohol, and got into an awful brawl,

The little man he got quite tight, with his new wife he picked a fight,
He got so tiddly he went mad, the thing he did was very bad, Very bad ….

He got into an awful brawl, attacked his bride, her friends and all,
While sitting on his wife's friend's face, she bit him in a dreadful place, Dreadful place…

Their flat was in sheer disarray, his ball had disappeared, they say,
Had she swallowed it? Not at all, they found it over by the wall, By the wall…

They took him to the hospital, they could not reattach the ball,
The doctor said, the alcohol saved you from death from that pratfall, That pratfall…

His wife got on her highest horse, she said, I'm filing for divorce,
The patients heard her down the hall, You get no bride with one lost ball, One lost ball…

The little man felt very bad, just one ball was all he had,
And in his dreams he hears her call: You get no bride with one lost ball, One lost ball…

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Sorcha
Date: 09 Dec 00 - 01:35 AM

Or maybe, "Never ask for lobster when you have oysters"

Never say "Bite me, baby"

Always ask--"Do you swallow?"

I'm dying to know the "rest of the story" here....I'm awful, aren't I? hee, hee,hee........(typical female--totally unsympathetic..........he almost had to have been without trousers, didn't he?)

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: DougR
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 02:04 PM

Spaw, I think the moral of the story might be, "never sit on an irate woman who has very sharp teeth."

DougR

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 09:50 AM

Nice one, namesake!
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: The Shambles
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 09:45 AM

Find the one that belongs to me
Then you can all go free
Find it then you can go
I'll have to search you all, below
No one leaves this room with three

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 09:21 AM

With so many talented songwriters and parodists here I hesitate to....oh well, here's a start:
Find me a bollock on the floor
Find me a bollock on the floor
Hunted high, hunted low
Wher did that sucker go?
Find me a bollock on the floor

That woman bit me mean and low
That woman she bit me mean and low
She bit me mean and low
Now where did that bollock go?
Please help me find it 'fore you go

RtS (W.C. who?)

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 04:04 AM

Rick, yes the thread title was a poor thing but mine own, trying to get a vague musical connection! (and , yes, Josh White was in my mind!). I toyed with an alternative: "Find me a bollock on the floor" but I think I made the right decision!
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: catspaw49
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 11:10 PM

I think he was also accredited with the first palindrome too when he said to Eve, "Madam, I'm Adam."

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Susan A-R
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 10:57 PM

Did she bite off more than she could chew?

Hmmm, makes me think of one of my favorite lymrics

In the garden of Edan lay Adam complacently stroking his madam In quiet elation for in all of creation There were only two balls And he had 'em.

(the middle two lines may not be the right ones, but you get the drift. Ms. Carr could have ruined that idyllic little scene, I fear.)

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Troll
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 10:11 PM

Sorcha...it's prob'ly just as well. *snik snik snik*

troll

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Sorcha
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 06:27 PM

This is truly bizzare........and kat, the same thought went through my mind--Rocky Mountain Oysters on the half shell.........and she obviously doesn't swallow, either...

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Stewart
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 05:26 PM

I don't know why, but this brings to mind the song One Fish Ball

The waiter bellowed down the hall
"You get no bread with one fish ball

There is a moral to this all:
You get no bread with one fish ball

Cheers, S. in Seattle

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: katlaughing
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 04:07 PM

Just goes to show, ya don't even need a Bobbit these days. Do you suppose Mrs. Carr could get in Ripley's Believe it or Not by offering to *surgically remove* bothersome appendages; maybe she got the idea from archives about castrati/ae/as? Or, sheepherding in the old West; Rocky Mtn oysters on the half shell, teeth marks and all!

Welcome back, Sean M!!!

kat

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Hollowfox
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 03:51 PM

Hmmm, the "Moscow Hold", with assistance. (Somebody else will have to post the story for the benefit of those that don't know it; things are a little too busy here at work today.

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: kimmers
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 03:38 PM

(appropriating an old ditty)

Hutchinson is much improved
Since he had a sphere removed
Shorn of passion, shorn of fire,
He now sings alto in the choir.

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: bflat
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 03:15 PM

Has anyone checked on Mrs. Carr's teeth? She must have a double set of teeth, like a shark to rip through Mr. Hutchinson's trousers; briefs and scrotum. Or was Mr. in the buff? Could they have been up to parlour games? Will this be covered in The Enquirer? We've got to know, we have inquiring minds.

bflat

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: catspaw49
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 02:54 PM

Sham, I really don't want to hear another word out of you! Now go sit in the corner.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: The Shambles
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 02:12 PM

Good, a thread you can really 'get your teeth into'.

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 01:52 PM

And we can link to the $mas songs one, about the eunuch and all I want for Christmas is (Silent Night...)

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Bardford
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 01:41 PM

The Rodeo Song
By Gaye Delorme
Click here for a link to his songs.

Well here comes Johnny with his pecker in his hand
He's a one ball man
And he's off to the rodeo.

There's more, but I think there's an MPeg file on the above page.
Stereotestically yours,
Bardford

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Rick Fielding
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 12:04 PM

Roger, did you invent that thread title on yer own? If so, it's positively brilliant! Josh White would be proud (although, since you're English I should say "Lonnie Donegan would be proud"!)

Rick

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: catspaw49
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 08:27 AM

Skiff, there's a moral to this story..........I have no idea what it is, but there is bound to be a good one in it somewhere.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Grab
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 08:11 AM

"Oh his name was Johnny Hall, Johnny Hall, (boom boom)
..."

To be continued by anyone who can be bothered. I know all the verses, but I don't have the balls to post it in public. ;-)

Grab.

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: Tiger
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 07:44 AM

And here they come, out of the woodwork.

Hitler has only got one ball,
Goering has two, but they are small.
Himmler has something simmler,
But Goebbels has no balls at all.

Subject: RE: BS: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: SeanM
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 05:13 AM

*ahem*

I see NO better thread to return to than this, and with a song, no less...

"No balls at all,
No balls at all...
She married a man who had no balls at all!

My apologies if I'm hijacking, but dammit, it's been three months since I've been on, and this was the top of the pile, and APPROPRIATE, more or less...

Sean

Subject: You get no bride with one lost ball
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 07 Dec 00 - 04:57 AM

Apologies for total non-musical content but it might inspire a ballad. From today's London Daily Telegraphe online ( I only read it for the Matt cartoon, honest):
Woman bit off man's testicle in party fight By Paul Stokes

A NEWLY-WED bank supervisor had a testicle bitten off by a colleague's wife during a drunken party to celebrate his wedding.

Doctors told Neil Hutchinson, 29, that the shock and pain could have killed him had he not consumed so much alcohol. He spent four days in hospital, during which surgeons were unable to re-attach the severed organ, and then he learned that his new bride had left him.

Mr Hutchinson, a TSB employee and his wife Shelley, 20, of Craghead, Co Durham, had been invited to celebrate their marriage with another couple. Denise Carr, 29, whose husband Nathan, 32, a fellow TSB supervisor, had missed the Hutchinsons' wedding and threw a party in their honour.

While the two women went out for drinks, the men drank three quarters of a bottle of tequila at the flat in Low Fell, Gateshead, Tyneside. When they returned, a quarrel broke out involving all four. Mr Hutchinson attacked his wife and Mrs Carr tried to defend her friend, said Stephen Duffield, prosecuting, at Newcastle Crown Court. It ended with Mr Hutchinson sitting on top of Mrs Carr and she bit him to get him off.

Police arrived a short time later to find the flat in disarray and found Mr Hutchinson's testicle under a picture frame on the sitting room floor. Mrs Hutchinson said: "Denise said she knew she had bitten his groin but she didn't know she had done that kind of damage."

Mr Hutchinson was taken to the Queen Elizabeth Hospital, Gateshead, and later transferred to the Freeman Hospital, Newcastle, for surgery. Denise and Nathan Carr, who have two children, were jointly charged with wounding with intent.

The court accepted her plea of guilty to the lesser offence of affray and the charge was dropped against her husband. Mrs Carr will be sentenced in January.

Her husband said after the hearing: "It has been a really bad episode for us but we were only trying to help out a friend who was in need." Mrs Hutchinson said that she had issued proceedings for divorce against her husband.
RtS (..and you thought I was strange...)

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