BS: Humour, Impromptu lines

Subject: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 10:26 AM

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I was reading Rick's "Funny" thread and got thinking about some of my favourite lines that I was actually there for. I'm sure that some of you have some beauties to share.

A gruup of my buddies have an annual Golf trip to Wheeling, West Virginia. One of the reasons we go there is that it is ridiculously inexpensive compared to Toronto. We pay about $5.00 for a drink in Canada, about $1.50 in Wheeling. One year in Wheeling we were in a cab on the way to our local when we passed a club that hadn't been there the year before. I asked the cab driver, a crotchety old West Virginian what the new place was like. He replied, "I don't know for sure, but I hear it's real expensive." I seized this and said "what would a feller have to pay for a mixed drink in there?" He replied, "Well, I ain't never been there, but I hear it's $1.75" My buddy in the back seat doesn't miss a beat and says vehemently "Thievin' Bastards".

I was at an Art Showing at a pretty upscale place in Toronto. I must also say that I'm a weirdo magnet. If there's one in the crowd, they find me. So this strange looking guy with a weird accent starts talking to me. I try to have a normal conversation with him, but anything I say he has a cryptic answer. I'm trying to come up with something that he has to give a straight reply, so I ask him what he does for a living. He gives me this superior look and says "I am the Ruler of The World." I looked him right in the eye and said "great, do you have a business Card?"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 10:39 AM

I always like it when I make a great pun without having intended to. It's like my hindbrain is funnier than I am! Thievin' indeed!

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 11:42 AM

Come on folks, some of you must have some great one liners of your own or that you were there for.

'Spaw? Rick?

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: sophocleese
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 11:49 AM

Far too often the perfect one-liner comes an hour or a day too late. I was really proud of myself the day somebody suggested that a new name for his band could be Oatmeal Savages and I replied "What? A Cereal Killer?"

Also at Halloween I took my kids up to school in their costumes for the Halloween parade around the halls. A very cute little scene as 4 to 8 year olds in various getups marched solemnly around. A lot of doting mothers were hovering at one end of the hallway with cameras and I laughed and told them they were the Mamarazzi.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Steve Latimer
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 11:52 AM

Good ones Sophocleese

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bardford
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 12:04 PM

We have a family reunion on the land my grandparents lived on. Going for a drive with my uncle, we pass the old schoolhouse, no longer in use. Half a dozen deer are in the yard. I say " Jeez, Marvin, there's a half a dozen deer in the schoolyard." Uncle Marvin says "It must be recess."

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Ebbie
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 12:25 PM

I got off a banjo line that at least I thought was funny.

This guy says, I've always wanted to learn to play banjo. I say, Great- you're welcome to join us. He says, But I don't have a banjo. I say, Even better- you can fake it.

Ebbie

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: annamill
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 12:45 PM

After I separated from my ex-husband I started thinking about my appereance in a new light. I was very thin then (not now though---thats another joke) and had small breasts. I was seriously considering getting implants and I called my ex and told him my thoughts and asked him what HE thought about it.

He sad "Get one done. If you like it, get the other one done".

After he and were separated for a while, I start drinking rather heavily, not from depression, just bordom. Well, anyway, when talking to him I mentioned that I had been gaining weight and I didn't like it. "Try running back and forth to the liquor store" he quipped.

Maybe that's why we were married for 17 years ;-)

My son, who is now 24, inherited his quick sense of humor.

One day he was very upset with me for reasons I won't go into. Really angry, but he kept his mouth shut, not wanting to argue.

Later in the day, I was feeling tired and went and sat down next to him and said "James, I don't want to get old".

"I don't want you to get old either, Mom.". It took me a minute, then I cracked up laughing and he smiled too.

Love, annamill

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bert
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 12:51 PM

While complaining about how the ads on TV get longer and closer together towards the end of a good film; our son Chad quips "It's the Doppler effect"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 01:40 PM

Two incidents:

Years ago, when I worked for a US District Court, I had a document that needed a judge's signature. So I went to this judge, and said, lightly, with a smile, "Judge, I need your auto-giraffe!" Never dropping a beat, he said, "Sorry, my giraffe's a windup model!"

Many years ago, in a semi-social situation, I was talking with a very bright woman, who mispronounced a word--I forget what. Being young and callow, overimpressed with my own erudition, and (as I see it now) bereft of social graces, I corrected her. Instantly sensing that it was a wrong thing to say, I tried to patch it up by saying, "Pardon me; I'm a hopeless pedant!" BOOM!--without a second's pause she replied, "No, that's pronounced PEAS-ant!" I think the fact that I almost fell on the floor laughing saved the day.

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Kim C
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 03:46 PM

A former coworker said she was going to study continential philosophy. I said, yeah, that's where they give you a donut and a cup of coffee.

I know there's a bunch, cause I laugh at almost anything; it's just hard to remember when someone asks you.

Mister is a pretty funny guy. One day, out of the blue, he said, ya know, sometimes ya pokes the cow, sometimes the cow pokes you.

One he bogarted from an old friend is this little poime: A bear sleeps in a bear skin, I suppose; I slept in my bare skin and damn near froze.

Some of you know I liked Phil Hartman's Unfrozen Caveman bit he did on Saturday Night Live. Last summer we were driving through Atlanta and passed a place called Stone Age Tattoos. Mister says, look, you can get your Unfrozen Caveman tattoo there! :)

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: catspaw49
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 06:51 PM

So I'm at Cumberland Falls after a day of hiking the gorge below and my friend and I are "accosted" by a pair of witnessing type Bible thumpers. They wave some form of pamphlet with drawings of Christ on the cover and one says, "Do ya' want to read about Jesus?" Without a seconds pause I replied, "No thanks, I got a "Batman" in the truck." It stopped them flat.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bill D
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 07:04 PM

yep...I got a couple: (LOTS, if my memory were better)

years ago, my ex-wife and I were standing in the den talking to a friend..(TOTALLY forget who now..)...when suddenly, I felt a buildup of gas in my nether regions...and *brrrrrraaappp*...I let loose with an enormous fart!...well, there was this awkward pause, as I tried to summon some apology...when, from my wife there came this tiny little *poot*..about .072% the size of mine. She looked up innocently, and with a perfectly straight face says, "It took me a minute to think of the answer."

During those same years, we raised a baby fox..(whole story in itself)...but one day, we found this half-grown fox scooting around on it's bottom, obviously uncomfortable. We grabbed him and investigated and found that he had eaten some chewing gum, which had passed thru without being digested, and was thoroughly matted in the hair around his anus...*sigh*...so, we trimmed, pulled, and cleaned...etc...and that evening, we told the story to my friend Dwain....he listened to the story politely as we raved about POOR fox, chewing gum, clean up...etc...then remarked knowingly,

"so....chickled the shit out of him huh?"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Morticia
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 07:09 PM

I was packing groceries in the supermarket with my daughter one night and rather imperiously I said " Bag"....to which she replied, quick as a flash " Slut"....oh how we laughed!

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Midchuck
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 07:14 PM

So we're driving around in the Salt Lake area and my kid says that he heard that some of the LDS young men are no longer being required to travel away from home to do their mandatory missionary work. They're allowed to stay home and keep their regular jobs and at night they get on their computers and prosletize (sp?) over the internet.

I thought he was serious and opined it was a good idea.

He says, yes, they call it a nocturnal e-mission.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: kendall
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 07:22 PM

I sometimes have a problem with strangers asking personal questions. A couple of years ago, my knee was bothering me, so, a neighbor loaned me a magnetic bandage. With this rather large colorful bandage around my knee, I walked into a small store in a small Maine town, and a lady asked "Oh, what's wrong with you knee"? I answered, "My wife and I were doing it like dogs do, and she ran up under the porch!" I thought sure she would be chagrined, but, she laughed so hard,\, she may have wet herself.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: CarolC
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 09:52 PM

I'm hoping someone can help me out with this one.

When I was at the grocery store tonight, someone I don't know came up to me and asked me if I still play the oboe. I have never played the oboe in my life. He must have seen me in a performance, playing my tenor recorder.

The best I could come up with was "No, I play the accordion now". I can't help thinking I missed some kind of golden opportunity for a good come-back. Anyone got a good one for that kind of situation?

Carol

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: rangeroger
Date: 08 Dec 00 - 11:32 PM

I was walking through my front yard with the banjo player in the bluegrass band I played in.I noticed my dog licking himself rather vigorously and commented "I sure wish I could do that."

Cliff immediately said " Why don't you ask him? Maybe he'll let you."

rr

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Sorcha
Date: 09 Dec 00 - 12:15 AM

Not my best, but the only one I can remember just now:

I was about 12 and Mum, Sissie and I were putting up the Christmas Tree while Dad snoozed in the recliner......(typical, no?). One bulb on a a string of lights would not work, and Mum was fussing. I said,
"Well, screw it......"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: The Shambles
Date: 09 Dec 00 - 08:45 AM

A little ashamed of this one. Someone said "don't take the piss out of old people"....... I replied, "they have bags for that".

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Peter T.
Date: 09 Dec 00 - 01:49 PM

Some jokes, even bad ones, are so perfect that you know that you have been given them from on high, and that no one else in history will realistically ever have this chance again. When I was at university I had a friend who was going to be a doctor, and they locked him up one night in the anatomy department. He was telling me this story, and about how he couldn't get out, and I said: "Since it was the anatomy department, you should have used a skeleton key." He bought me a drink on the strength of that.

yours, Peter T.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bill D
Date: 09 Dec 00 - 02:11 PM

When I first came to Wash DC, I attended open mic nights at the old Red Fox Inn..I was a rank amateur, but they were tolerant folk..*grin*...so I sang a few times, and the host, Bruce Hutton, always had a nice thing to say about almost anyone...so one night it was my turn, and Bruce said, "next we have Bill Day....I've never heard him repeat a song."

I raised my eyebrows as I stepped up to the mic and said..."Well, Bruce, a song needs a little time to recover from what I do to it."

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Naemanson
Date: 10 Dec 00 - 07:53 AM

Well, this happened last night at the open mike coffeehouse...

I was on stage with friends in the miniscule audience. We had been having fun all night with comments flying between the audience and whoever was on stage. I was noodling around on the guitar as the sound person adjusted the guitar mike when Charlie pipes up with a comment about the A string being sharp. Alison turns to him and in a loud voice says, "Oh right, this from a banjo player!" The audience laughed and when they quieted I commented, "What makes it even funnier is that his other crime is he also plays the concertina!"

Which brings up another one that I heard back a long time ago. We were at a festival and met a guy who played banjo and concertina. In talking to him we found out he was also a lawyer. Alison is not one to miss a bet when it comes to one liners. She looked him in the eye and said, "Then you must be the butt of all the jokes."

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: GUEST,hughmurf
Date: 10 Dec 00 - 08:47 AM

While attending a birthday party for a friend who had turned forty He turned to his wife and said "Honey, when you turn forty I'm going to trade you in on two twenty's". She looked at him and responded "Cass, your not wired to two twenty". I laughed so hard, I thought I was going to bust a gut.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 Dec 00 - 09:07 AM

My Beautiful Wife and I were at the grocery store. While she dealt with the checkout gal, I was at the end of the belt, packing the groceries in bags. Looking up from her purse, she called out loudly, "Dave, I'm short!"

"Wear vertical stripes!"

Dave O.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bernard
Date: 10 Dec 00 - 11:55 AM

I was being heckled by someone who was too thick to take the hint, and was annoying the audience rather more than he was annoying me.

As he was spoiling the entertainment for everyone else, I looked him in the eye and said: 'We call people like you baiters - and I reckon you're a master at it!'.

The rest of the audience got the joke straight away, but he took a few moments to realise what I had said. He shut up after that...

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: jaze
Date: 10 Dec 00 - 12:07 PM

My sister from W. Va. brought her kids to Phila. for a visit. While walking along a busy avenue, my nephew spotted a police officer with a dog in a harness walking his beat. Awed, he turned and said,"Gee, Mom, I never saw a blind cop before"!

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Mickey191
Date: 10 Dec 00 - 02:17 PM

Driving with my Dad one day we spotted a poor fellow so misaligned that his cheek actually rested on his shoulder. As he walked by, Dad said,"It was whiskey did that."I said "if it WAS whiskey, it's because someone hit him with the bottle." The only time I made him laugh.

My husband was learning to drive a stick shift out in the country where there were a lot of dairy farms. The car was doing a lot of jerking & lunging. When he came home I asked him how he did. He said,"Even the Mother F------ Cows were laughing at me."

Hubby & I were passing thru this same area, when the smell of manure was so strong, Icouldn't resist saying "Jim did you do that?" ""No Mick, I'm only a little fella."

I'm driving buy a house where I know alot of Retarded people live and Jim waves at a lady in the front yard. I said, "do you know she's retarded?" He Says,"You mean she waves at everybody?"

I have great memories of a wonderful, funny guy.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Melani
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 01:59 PM

This past Saturday we did a living history Christmas event at Hyde St. Pier, where the premise was that the year was 1901, and all the living history people spoke of that time in the present tense. ("Let's see, that was five years ago--1896, remember?") A troop of Boy Scouts were listening to the ship's cook go on about how many times he had rounded Cape Horn, as he whittled on a piece of wood. When he asked "Any questions?" one of the boys said, "Yeah, where'd you get that Swiss Army knife?" Without missing a beat, he replied "Switzerland--on our last voyage there!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: NightWing
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 03:52 PM

I'm never very good at this sort of thing. There is a French phrase I remember seeing somewhere once. I don't remember the French for it, but it translates into English as (something like) "wit of the staircase".

IOW, that joke, retort, put-down, comeback, etc that you needed fifteen minutes ago and is now too late. I'm a past master at those. *G*

BB,
NightWing

P.S. Does anyone know what that French phrase is? I tried putting "wit of the staircase" into Babelfish and got "esprit d'escalier". I suppose that's at least possible?

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: mousethief
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 03:54 PM

l'esprit d'escalier.

The Germans also have the identical phrase, albeit in German,

Treppenwitz

-Alex

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: mousethief
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 03:57 PM

I posted this in a different thread and realized it belonged here. My grandmother was once told, about some personal trait, "It must be the Italian in you."

Quicker than thought, she shot back: "I've never had an Italian in me."

(She was known for her trucker/railway vocabulary -- she lived a very hard life and picked up some very colorful expressions along the way!)

Alex

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bardford
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 04:05 PM

I used to work in a hospital eye clinic. As I was setting up the equipment for a visual field test, the patient asked me how long I'd been doing this. I jokingly said - "Actually just since lunch time. Normally I work in the booth in the parkade, but they're very short staffed here. "
The guy didn't miss a beat. "That's okay, I'm doing this test for my brother."I laughe for days.

Another one:
My love comes home from the video store. "I got Quigley Down Under," says she.
"You should get some penicillin," says I.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Kim C
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 04:55 PM

This weekend I went to see my stepmother, and went over to my stepsister's house to do a little target shooting with her husband. Afterwards we came in the house for a snack and were watching CMT, when a Shania Twain video came on. My stepbrother-in-law said to his wife, "Listen! If you looked like THAT, lemme tellya, you'd have to get two jobs because I would not f****ing go to work!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: RichM
Date: 11 Dec 00 - 04:58 PM

Our singer introduces the Song Molly Malone, as being about a fishmonger; and goes on to say "but that's not all she was selling..."

Right away, my hind brain takes over and blurts out "but it smells like fish, doesn't it?"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: GUEST,Steve Latimer
Date: 12 Dec 00 - 10:37 AM

In my hockey playing days I taught at a goaltending school that was run by one of the most colourful characters I've ever known. George ran the school like a Marine Drill Sergeant, always yelling at the top of his lungs, making us do bare handed push ups on the ice if we messed up, he has worn a brush cut his entire life and his face certainly didn't hide the fact that he had been a hockey goalie long before the facemask was invented.

He was also ridiculously punctual. His idea of being on time for something was to be there at least an hour early. One morning I had invited a friend of mine who was studying Physical Education to come and lecture the students on Nutrition. He is also one of the quickest wits I've ever known. The session was to begin at 9:30. at 9:00 George was all over me asking where my friend was. I assured him that not only would he be there, he would be on time. By 9:15 George was in full panic mode, saying we'd have to change the lecture, I'd have to ad lib something. Again I assured him my buddy would show.

At 9:25 my friend walked into the foyer of the arena. There were students and parents milling around. George says in his loudest voice "well, it's about time". My buddy smiles and says as loudly "George, nice to see you in Mens clothes." The parents broke up and it was the only time in my life I saw George stumped for a comeback.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Whistle Stop
Date: 12 Dec 00 - 12:59 PM

When I was around 18 or so a friend of mine became the first of our gang to become a father, which was pretty big news to the rest of us. The next year his second child was born, and a few months later we learned that his wife was expecting their third. I was telling someone else about this, and happened to mention that my young-father friend was one of eight kids himself. The person nodded and said "well, it must be in his genes". Right away I said "yeah, but if I were him I would have left it there!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Kim C
Date: 12 Dec 00 - 01:30 PM

Rich! For heaven's sakes!

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: kendall
Date: 12 Dec 00 - 01:44 PM

When I went to Jamaica, one of the touristy things I did was to climb Dunns River Falls. This is a gradual incline in a river bed which is mostly rocks with a few inches of water running down to the sea. There were about 20 of us in the group, and we were climbing in a line, with each of us holding the hand of the person in front and in back. The lady behind me was a bit large, and didnt have a lot of leg power, so, she was quite a load to pull up the rocks. About half way up, I turned to her and asked "What happens when we get to the top..do we get to spawn"? she laughed so hard she lost ALL her leg power, and we had to stop while she recovered..

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Jim Krause
Date: 12 Dec 00 - 02:10 PM

This is an old family story. My Aunt Helen is one of those quick witted punsters who speaks before she thinks. Grandpa is in the hospital for what turns out to be the last time before his death. He knows he hasn't long, but something comes to mind, and he can't resist the complaint; I have forgotten about what. He ends with "At least I won't have to put up with much longer." Aunt Helen without missing a beat says, "Yeah, you lucky stiff." Aunts and Uncles all of a sudden stifle caughs, and have to blow their noses, or at the very least inspect their shoes. Of course Aunt Helen can't figure out what's going on.
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 13 Dec 00 - 05:15 PM

On a family car trip, many years ago, with my Beautiful Wife, and two kidlets in the back seat, we drove into an area just before some construction, and there were period periodic rumble strips to make traffic slow down. After the second or third rumble, my three-year-old daughter piped up: "Daddy make the car go tooty!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bert
Date: 13 Dec 00 - 05:20 PM

Yeah Dave, we call them 'fart strips'

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Dec 00 - 12:39 PM

Here's one of my own:

My mother-in-law took my wife and me to her local supper club for dinner. (To folks outside the upper Midwest USA: "Supper club" is rather a rather quaint term. It is mainly associated with small towns -- the kind of towns that have only 2 places to eat: a cafe on main street that serves only breakfast and lunch, and another fancier place a little ways out of town, maybe in a more scenic location. The fancier place would be called a supper club. They offer mostly steak, potatoes, and salad bar, but you usually get a cloth napkin and a candle on your table.)

This place had a self-service coatroom. I noticed the hangers were the kind you sometimes see in motels: The upper part forms a complete ring around the bar, so you can't remove it. I decided to skip hanging up my coat, and wear it into the dining room instead. I said, "If they don't trust me with their coat hanger, why should I trust them with my coat?"

(I didn't think it was anything to brag about, but my wife and mother-in-law thought it was awfully clever.)

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 14 Dec 00 - 01:31 PM

Here's one you can use (if you ever need to):

My wife's band once gave a concert and literally no one came - at least not on time. It wasn't their fault. They had been hired to play at an Irish festival which was being held in the local armory. There was lots of stuff going on in the main hall but the concerts were being held in little side rooms that weren't very well marked. I think people either just weren't aware there was a concert going on, or had trouble finding the room.

Anyway, several minutes after the concert was scheduled to start, ONE person walked in the door. My wife said, "At last! We have an audient!"

I THOUGHT this was an impromptu pun, but it turns out it had been going around for a while among her circle of musician friends. She was surprised, though, when I looked it up and found that "audient" is a perfectly good word. It means "one who listens." But "audience" is NOT simply the plural of "audient," although the joke depends on its seeming so.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: sophocleese
Date: 14 Dec 00 - 05:46 PM

I was reminded of this from the thread about words that are fun to say.

A woman at our song circle sang a song which had the word purloined in it. She commented about how much fun it was to sing it and that started a brief discussion about its meaning. Finally somebody said that just as purloin is to remove or take away to purvey is to bring ao take to: purloin and purvey. I quickly asked if it worked like that with sirloin and survey.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Mr Happy
Date: 23 May 02 - 10:33 AM

some years ago, i was working with a colleague at the side of a main road.

a car pulled up near us and the driver indicated he needed directions.

'am i going the right way for oulton park ?'

i replied saying 'yes, you carry on down here, then you fork off to the right'

after the man drove away, my colleague bursting with mirth looked at me saying 'did you know you just told him to fork off!'

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Trevor
Date: 23 May 02 - 10:58 AM

Somebody in one of our pub seshes had been playing the pipes - and he's a learner. When he finished another of the crowd leaned over and said in a quiet but serious voice 'I think they need worming...'.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Jim Krause
Date: 23 May 02 - 11:09 AM

Some pals and I were playing a little gig up on the University campus some years ago. While one of them was messing about trying to put his instrument in tune, I tried to keep the momentum going by talking to the audience. Having nothing better to say, I asked "So, how many bluegrass fans are there here tonight?" Some applause, and a few cheers. "That's good, real good." And after a pause, I said, "We don't play any of that." And as the audience laughed, we launched into the next tune. I've since used that routine quite often, and it never fails. Figure that one out.
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bill D
Date: 23 May 02 - 12:46 PM

a woman I knew was listening to her husband read a newspaper article about a local lawyer who was being brought up on charges that he had used his position to take "unwanted liberties" with female clients...

she listened with bemused attention, then commented "hmmmm...sounds like 'tit for tort' to me"

her husband retold that to his buddies for weeks!

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: GUEST,Bullfrog Jones (on the road)
Date: 23 May 02 - 01:06 PM

If you'll forgive me, a couple of my own: A bunch of us had been to an all day outdoor concert at Hopetoun House in Scotland, featuring Steve Earle and Emmylou Harris. Great show, except for the last act on, Little Feat. Major disappointment -- Lowell George would have been spinning in his grave at the self indulgent, psuedo-jazz noodling. Anyway, we took the hint and thought we'd join the throngs leaving the arena. Our way out took us through an area which was obviously normally occupied by cows, who had left much evidence of their passing(!) The Beloved managed to step right into one enormous cowpat and our friend Sophie said 'I just did that'. Quick as a flash I said 'No, I think it was a cow'.
Oh how we laughed.
Another time I was at a session which was just about to get under way when a stranger arrived, deposited his instrument case and went to the bar for a drink. We all sat there looking at the case, which was a tall box, wondering what instrument it could be (turned out to be Highland bagpipes). One girl wondered out loud 'What comes in a box?' to which I replied 'A necrophiliac?'
Oh how we retched.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Jon Bartlett
Date: 24 May 02 - 03:26 AM

I went to the local store for some catfood and aspirins. I said deadpan to the checkout person, "This stuff doesn't taste that bad, but it gives you really bad headaches."

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: GUEST,mkebenn
Date: 24 May 02 - 08:22 AM

Many years ago,while motorcycle riding with my friend Rick,he was struck in the face shield by a large june bug,obscuring his vision. We pulled over so he could clear the mess. As he was performing this icky task he quips "Well, he won't have the guts to do that again" I've remembered that for thirty years. Mike

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Midchuck
Date: 24 May 02 - 08:56 AM

There was an old story about a business executive who had a cute secretary, and asked if she could do some extra work over the weekend. She knew what he meant, but didn't mind, and said she would. Boss says, great, we'll work aboard my yacht. She says, oh dear, I get really seasick! He says don't worry, I'll take care of it.

So he stops at the drugstore and asks for dramamine and condoms. The druggist says, If it makes you sick, why do you do it?

Years after I first read this, I went into the mens room at a bar I was in, and they had a vending machine on the wall that sold condoms on one side and excedrin on the other. I broke out laughing and had to explain quickly to the others present.

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Nancy King
Date: 24 May 02 - 09:18 PM

LOL, Midchuck!

My son Ken Schatz, whom many of you know as half of The NexTradition, has been cracking me up for years (I suppose I've been embarrassing him for years). A few months ago at some family gathering I belched loudly, prompting Ken to remark, "You know, we've come a long way from 'Mother, may I?' to 'Mother, must you?'...

Cheers, Nancy

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: RangerSteve
Date: 25 May 02 - 08:01 PM

Usually I think up my snappy answers long after I need them, but once on my way home from work I picked up a copy of Time magazine on my way to the bus. One of those religious people who hang out in bus terminals came up to me and said "Excuse me, could you spare a little of your time?", so I ripped off the cover and gave it to him.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: HuwG
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 10:09 AM

Overheard recently ...

Music Teacher: Play me a harmonic minor scale, please ...
Plink, plink, plink
Music Teacher: Now a melodic minor ...
Plink, plink, plink
Music Teacher: Now a diatonic minor ...
Student: It's in the drinks cupboard, help yourself

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 10:39 AM

I've always liked the Makem and Clancy exchange:

M/C: How's the sound? Can you hear us?
Voice in the back: NO!
M/C: Then how do you know what we said?

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Ebbie
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 12:59 PM

Thanks for the laughs- a great way to start the day!

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: jeffp
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 01:18 PM

Not really a comeback, just a slight communications problem.

Two evenings ago before dinner, we were sitting in the living room. My wife had made chili for dinner, but we hadn't gotten hungry yet. I rolled down my sleeves as it had gotten a bit cooler with the sun going down. A couple of minutes later, my wife, getting a bit hungry, asked, "Chili?" I nodded and replied, "A bit." She's still laughing about it.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: GUEST,Fred Miller
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 02:50 PM

Sculpture foundry in college, my friends Kaiti and Clay were teasing Mohammed when I came in one day. Moh was a student from Iran, very conservative, couldn't draw the models, not even in bathing suits, a funny guy, always wore a buzz cut. Clay did too, the shaved head look. I had long long hair in a pony-tail back then. Anyway, I walk in and Kaiti is teasing Mohammed about his tiny feet. "Tell them" he says "It's not true. They are saying that my small feet, it also means a small ... aha-ha!" So I say That's ridiculous, it has nothing to do with it, and go over to my workspace, start getting my stuff out, saws, etc.
Moh says Thank you!
Getting to work, I say, It has to do with hair length.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Cluin
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 03:24 PM

I've never said anything funny in my life.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 03:32 PM

Me neither. When God was preparing me for entry into the world He asked if I wanted humour. I mis-heard and thought he was asking if I wanted a tumour, so I said, "No! Of course not!".

Bruce

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Don Firth
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 04:52 PM

I have a brother-in-law in eastern Canada who is a provincial judge, now retired. A guy who kept showing up in his court was a flasher, perpetually getting hauled in for exposing himself. My brother-in-law, the judge, tried giving him time, sending him for counselling, everything he could think of, but nothing seemed to work. Exasperated with seeing him again for the umpteenth time, he said without thinking, "Good God, man! Get a grip on yourself!!"

Don Firth

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 07:21 PM

Bob and Vern were two coworkers of mine who liked to tease each other about getting old. One day Vern was inadvertently walking around the office with his fly open, until Bob brought it to his attention. Then Vern, trying to laugh it off, said, "Well, you know what they say: It pays to advertise."

Bob said, "What for? Are you having a going-out-of-business sale?"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: MikeOQuinn
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 07:30 PM

A few for ya!

On one of the Kingston Trio CD's (which I do not own, but I'm sure a lot of you do), the banjo player is tuning a horrendously off-note string. Says another member, "You know when you get that thing in tune, you should weld it... the guitar, too."

Was participating in a stunt show at a renfaire. As a tradition, for the last show, everyone showed up in their boxers. Except one guy. He's huge. We eventually taped two pair of boxers to him, one on the front, one on the back. When he came out on stage to model for the audience, everyone applauded when they saw the Guinness boxers taped to his front, but were remarkably silent when they saw the Frosted Flakes boxers affixed to his posterior. Not one to suffer a dead crowd, I quipped "Breakfast of champions!" It took a few seconds, but most of the audience got it.

While eating with a group of people froma rennaissance festival, my Scottish (now ex-)girlfriend was asked if she had tried the leg of lamb available on site. She replied that she'd never been a fan of mutton. After a day of faire, I couldn't resist: "Yeah," says I. "Cannibalism isn't much her style. After all, that could be a distant relative." She damn near knocked me out of my chair with a strong backhand.

I've got relatively long hair for a male of the species, and for some reason when I pull out the hairtie and let it down, girls like to come up behind me and play with it. One guy asked me once, while in a pub, why I was able to chat up so many attractive young ladies. I responded, deadpan, "I'm borrowing Oded's hair." A few of the ladies snickered at his bemused look. I don't think he got it...

I was, for many years, in a band that performed cowboy music (think not Shania Twain, think late-1800's, with chaps and guitars around a campfire on the open plain). Normally, somewhere in the middle of the set, my dad would step up to the mic and announce that we did, in fact, take requests. To which I would respond in the back, "But we're going to keep playing anyways."

I think that's enough out o' me for now... My pizza just got here, anyhoo.

-J

"Go oft to the houses of your friends, for weeds choke the unused path." -R.W. Emerson

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 07:33 PM

This happened nearly 35 years ago, but it has stuck in my memory:

Vinnie was a fellow physics nerd whose attempts at humor were usually more annoying than funny.

One day Frank, another student, was moaning over an experiment that had gone wrong. He said, "Why does this always happen to me?"

Vinnie offered, "Maybe it's because you're so stupid."

Frank was used to Vinnie's style of humor, and knew it was pointless to get mad. So he said wearily, "Vinnie, that was a rhetorical question. It doesn't require an answer."

Vinnie replied, "Well, that was a rhetorical answer. It doesn't require a question."

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 07:39 PM

The other day I was in the bathroom, and my wife impatiently knocked on the door and asked, "Do you know how long it's going to be?"

I said, "Oh, about twelve inches."

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Art Thieme
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 09:34 PM

This is one of those you had to be there tales.

Standing in a dark wooded site----a folk festival on the East Coast----with Craig Johnson and the guys from Double Decker String Band. We had been downing a few I think. A tall, very large gal in a long buckskin skirt and carrying a 7-foot tall shepherds crook came out of the mist from another trail. All that came to my mind right then and there was, "My God, it's BIG BO-PEEP !!"

We all fell down laughing----but maybe you did have to be there.

Art Thieme

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: GUEST,JennyO
Date: 13 Dec 02 - 09:51 PM

One I often use with my friends when they say "Well, I'm off!" (as they are leaving) is "yeah, thought I could smell something!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Gurney
Date: 14 Dec 02 - 04:57 AM

Not my quips at the Ampersand that night, but...

The singer on stage was getting annoyed by his pal talking at the bar, so the dialogue went; "Dave!" "What?" "Shut UP!" "So is mine! Do you think it's the weather?" And when the audience quieted down; "Spoken like a true professional. Your Mother." You had to be there.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Troll
Date: 14 Dec 02 - 05:52 PM

Guitar player, late for the next set, runs up the asile and trips just short of the stage with his fingers just touching the riser.
Bass player looks down at him and says:
"SAFE."
We almost couldn't play that set due to the audience calling out "SAFE" every time the guitar player moved.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: GUEST,Fred Miller
Date: 14 Dec 02 - 07:04 PM

I once told the story of how I once dived off the end of a long pier into murky water that turned out to be two feet deep. Saltwater, bad cuts and scrapes, lucky I didn't break my neck.

But it was a merely true story that went nowhere, the conversation died. We were getting food together, got it served to our friends, and to rescue the mood I tried this. "But ever since then my Dad says I'm not the same. He says sometimes I'll be telling a story, and it seems to be over, then five minutes later I start into it again like I never stopped. But, I don't do that".

You have to trust me that it was very funny. I'm not funny, but have a very deadpan voice, a little like Garfield the cat I'm told, which allows any little joke I do to sneak up on people. I'm frustrated by e-communication because my humour doesn't work.

Once I had a car stolen, a beat up old box on wheels, and so there was a police report, I heard my dad in the next room asking What did the police say. I called in, "they said, They couldn't have gone far".

   The last thing my Dad ever said was a joke, to the nurse, but it was a silly joke in itself, and not only did you have to be there, you had to actually be one of the people who actually was there.

   But I'll try to render how stomach-achingly funny my wife and kids can be. The point here is that they are so like themselves, being so much the way they are. One night I've gone up to bed because I have to get up very early, and my 8 yrold girl Etta comes up to report there's trouble. To begin with, it's funny that she comes up, breathless, to report the crisis to me. Jim (my 6yrold) said to my wife that his birthday was "soon" right? and my wife said, "well, not really" and so now Jim's mad and there's a big fuss going on.

That's it. I laughed so hard, it eventually hurt like I was being beaten.

   Someone's story above about her family, her ex, has stuck in my head for days as the kind of forthright talk I've always admired in people, and the jokes seemed funnier too, because of it. I wish I was like that. But I'm not. Anyway, thought I'd try to convey how my family is funny, after hers.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Bill D
Date: 14 Dec 02 - 08:51 PM

I once worked in a sort of 'salvage' place, with a front building and a building out back where we Peons congregated when nothing was actually happening. When the front office wanted to contact us, they had a phone that was just a line to the 'back' building. We hated to hear that ring, as it meant work.

One day several of us were there when *brrrring*...my friend Roger, with an exasperated look shouted "If that's my broker, tell him to sell everything and buy whorehouses!"

and without missing a beat, I nodded and answered:"Yeah! Put your money where your mouth is!"

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: khandu
Date: 14 Dec 02 - 09:13 PM

My old Uncle Samuel was born in and had lived in the same house all his 75 years. I went to visit him on summer and discovered his house was empty. As I looked around, I saw him sitting on the front porch of the house across the street. Astonished, I shouted "Uncle Samuel! You moved!"

He smiled and said "Yeah, it's just the gypsy in me!"

khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: HuwG
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 08:52 AM

One which I delivered, far too late, and to the wrong person ...

I used to work in a very large office. The work was uninspiring drudgery, my colleagues were mainly smug narrow-minded paper shufflers and my supervisors were patronising petty bureaucrats. I overslept one morning and turned up late (again!!!). My supervisor took it upon herself to say, "You really must leave home earlier in the morning".

As I tackled the day's bumf, a colleague who was a stuffed shirt in training, said "Yes, you should get a better alarm clock". I replied, "I left in good time, just from the wrong house".


This was totally untrue; I am the world's worst blanket addict [US = "sack rat" ??], especially when not exactly thrilled at the idea of going to work in a filing cabinet. Still, it was nice to see hints of envy and dislike on the expressions of a department full of 2.4-children, Volvo-owning morons.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: KingBrilliant
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 09:11 AM

My daughter is shaping up to be an evil bitch just like mum.
She is in her first year at senior school, and we were talking about matters of confidence & popularity etc.
When I was at that same school there was an annual game we played in French lessons, whereby someone was picked as the elephant, and we sang a song where they picked the next person to be an elephant. By the end of the lesson there was a large portion of the class conga-ing around the room to "Une elephant se trompe se trompe.....".
It has been an abiding tragedy in my life that I was NEVER picked to be an elephant. I was always one of the few left seated. I still find the thought incredibly melancholic.
Amoret is not so sympathetic though. I mournfully intoned "I was NEVER an elephant". She turned round to me, her generously proportioned mother, and quick as a flash said "Never mind dear, you are now".

:@)

Kris

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Dave Bryant
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 09:56 AM

I was in a supermarket and had just finished collecting the half a dozen items which I needed. As I approached the check-out, a woman with a fully loaded trolley pushed in ahead of me. I drew her attention to the "Baskets Only" which hung over the till. She just swore at me. I therefore explained to her that "the sign refers to the container of your shopping and not to the legitemacy of your birth". Her reply included the word F**K about four times and quite upset several older ladies in the queue. My reply was "Do you need to let everybody know what you do for a living ?". The older ladies seemed quite amused be this and with a flood of even worse invective she took herself off to another (trolley) queue.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: jimmyt
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 10:04 AM

Just joining a folk revival group, and the other guys mistook my dry sense of humor for shyness. We had a performance scheduled for a Saturday night opening act for the Platters, sold out house of 1200 people At sound check early that day, one of the quitar players said, "Jim we need to spend some time tuning between numbers so if their seems to be a little too long of a delay, I will nod to you and you can fill the time with a clever remark, OK?"   "Fine, " I said. About halfway through the set we were preparing to play the old Gordon Lightfoot song,"That's what you get for lovin'me" Well, after announcing the song, the inevitable last second tuning was taking a bit long, and I got the nod. I bravely stepped to the microphone and announced, "This song is about Venereal Disease" Needless to say, We had trouble maintaining composure during the song!

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: Midchuck
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 10:16 AM

Huh? I don't get it! You mean, it isn't?

Peter.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: GUEST,Den
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 10:46 AM

A mate was listening to the radio one day when a country song came on. He says, "what the hell is this". "Boxcar Willie", says I. "What the feck is Boxcar Willie", says he. "That's something you can catch if you have sex with a hobo", says I.

Subject: RE: BS: Humour, Impromptu lines
From: KingBrilliant
Date: 18 Dec 02 - 11:51 AM

Waiting an inordinate amount of time for my computer output, I burst into song. A la disney.... "One day my prints will come......"