BS: Music Biz Haiku

Subject: Music Biz Haiku
From: GUEST,Jobber
Date: 31 Dec 00 - 02:36 PM

Music Biz Haiku


Money's everything
Playing any gig that comes
Whores, we are all whores


Squeaking and squawking
All eyes roll to the heavens
The clarinet speaks


One beat to change from
Harmon to cup to bucket
Hey, who wrote this shit?


Here comes the high note
The lead trumpeter puckers
Clam, clam, Fuck! Clam, Shit!


The jam session starts
Somebody calls "Giant Steps"
Cold fear grips my brain
(Have to change my reed)


Here's the girl singer
Stepping to the microphone
Pitch, Time, All gone now


Gig is going well
Asshole requests "In the Mood"
I look at my watch


I once had a dream
Big house, new car, big money
Now I play the bass


Gorgeous chick tells me
"You sound just like Kenny G"
My ego shatters
(Hope no one heard her)


Three-eight, eleven-eight
Fuck you Andrew Lloyd Webber
Five-eight, seven-eight


The woodwind doubler
Practicing the piccolo
Frustration defined


Trane, Prez, Bird, Brecker
Giants of the saxophone
Eat shit Kenny G


Pit orchestra gig
Days and nights become as one
I have no damned life


Bad intonation
Strings are sharp and reeds are flat
Brass too loud again


Great changes, good groove
A one-in-a-million gig
No singer; Yippee!


The accordion
"Squeeze box," yes, but more often
"The Stomach Steinway"


Bassoons forever
Try in vain not to sound like
A farting bedpost


The strings slowly tune
When they're done the unisons
Are anything but


"I can't find my note"
Bemoans the confused singer
"Quit now," we all pray


The contractor calls
Months of Andrew Lloyd Webber
"Bird Lives" no longer



Happy New Year All!

Subject: RE: BS: Music Biz Haiku
From: GUEST,Gene Roy
Date: 31 Dec 00 - 06:38 PM

Spot on!!! (Thanks for this one.)