BS: Poppin Off

Subject: Poppin Off
From: NightWing
Date: 16 Jan 01 - 05:19 PM

Just got off a really good one. Went to the grocery over my lunch break (today's my day to tele-commute). I have the habit of adding up the bill in my head and the total was QUITE a bit more than I had come up with: about $10. When the cashier gave me the receipt, I looked at it and there was an item on it saying:

CG SMTHR HYDR LIP       $6.69

It was the last item rung up, but the cashier couldn't remember what it might be. Didn't make me think of anything I had gotten either. So he pulled a manager over and the two of us went through my grocery sacks. (Luckily, only four of them)

At the bottom of the last one, the manager said, "A-ha!" The cashier stuck his head over to see what it had been and this pulled the attention of everyone in line to pay: about five or six people (all neighbors, of course). With something of a flourish, the manager produced a tube of lip gloss. "That's what it was."

Instantly and with perfect aplomb, I replied, "That couldn't be not mine. It's not my color." And the crowd went wild!

*LOL*

Anybody else got any recent good ones?

BB,
NightWing

Subject: RE: BS: Poppin Off
From: Zebedee
Date: 16 Jan 01 - 06:13 PM

I have a really impatient streak. Especially when queueing.

If I'd been behind you in the queue, I'd have got very stressed and annoyed, and would have probably walked out long before the 'crowd went wild'

Ed

Subject: RE: BS: Poppin Off
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 16 Jan 01 - 06:29 PM

Well, without seeing you NightWing it's hard to tell...(I checked in the Mudcat Resources Rogues Gallery, but you haven't honoured it with your phiz.

Subject: RE: BS: Poppin Off
From: catspaw49
Date: 16 Jan 01 - 06:44 PM

I've told some of my better ones here before, but let me tell something different that happened just yesterday. Not a one liner, more of an entire standup routine......except in this case it was a "Laydown Routine."

Yesterday I was in the hospital for another heart cath and when I went into the cath room, the lead tech was playing music and asked what I liked. I said, "Well, you probably don't have any, but I like folk." He didn't of course, but he said he'd put on the closest thing he had which was CSN&Y. The second song was "Ohio" and I told the story of how Neil Young came to write it and how, but then "Spaw" took over and I began to tell the tale of the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed and used many of the stories previously used on Mudcat. Crazy as all of this was, I had the room cracking up after awhile. The doc comes in and in between conversations about instructions and various settings and also taking a brief timeout for an "Aahhrrgggghhh" as they insert the cath into your femoral artery at the groin, I simply continued with additional embellishments about tiples, possums, the James Taylor Rehab Wing for Catatonic Blandness, many of you were mentioned too............basically, enough BS for about the entire 30 minutes the cath was running around inside my heart.

When it was over the techs said they had a lot better time than they usually did and my cardiologist asked where I got all this stuff. I invited them all to check in at the Mudcat Cafe. When he checked in on me later (you have to lay on your back for 6 hours and not move your leg) he said it was the strangest cath he'd ever done and I suggested that perhaps I was the strangest patient he'd ever had.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Poppin Off
From: Troll
Date: 16 Jan 01 - 06:51 PM

Reminds me of when my orthopaedist told me my right knee would have to be replaced. I asked when it should be done and he said we'd wait as long as possible.
Seems the replacments only last 10 to 12 years and then it has to be re-done. The second time there is a chance that the replacment won't take and you lose your leg.
I said that if that happened, I wanted a carved wooden leg instead of the standard prosthesis.
"Somehow I knew you'd say that." He said.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Poppin Off
From: katlaughing
Date: 16 Jan 01 - 06:57 PM

Spaw, you are too much! They thought I was weird when I watched my heart cath on the monitor; they wouldn't know what to do with a lay down comic like you! The cath lab'll never be the same. Those words you spoke go on forever, permeating the walls and ghostly laughter with bland background music will waft throughout the consciousness of each puir soul who winds up there. Ah, me!

NightWing...that was a good one!

Subject: RE: BS: Poppin Off
From: NightWing
Date: 16 Jan 01 - 07:54 PM

Oh, Gawd, 'Spaw!

I have to tell this one second-hand because, while I was there ... I wasn't exactly there (you'll see ... funny though, that's actually true a lot of the time)

I had foot surgery last spring and they gave me a local anaesthetic with sedatives. So I was drowsy to say the least. I had actually asked the doc if I could watch while he cut on me, since I wouldn't be under a general anaesthetic. He kind of grinned and said, "We'll see."

The next thing I was aware of was waking up on the table. Couldn't feel anything, so I asked the nurse if 'twas okay if I leaned up and watched. She said that it was a bad time right then, but in a few minutes it would be okay.

<weak stomach warning> In a few minutes, the surgeons paused, and they helped me lean up on my elbows and look at my big toe bone, skin peeled back, with a nice, shiny, new pin in it. </weak stomach warning>

Then I drifted off again and woke up in Recovery. All the Recovery personnel were giving me some odd looks. When I went to see my doc a couple days later, all HIS personnel were giving me roughly the same odd looks. I finally got the story out of one of them.

Evidently, while I was under the sedative, I was reciting poetry. They wouldn't tell me WHAT I was reciting, but almost the only poetry I know is bawdy (to say the least), risque, racy even. I had just learned (a couple of weeks earlier) "The Ballad of Eskimo Nell" so it was fresh in my mind.

So I imagine I must have given them a fine rendition of "Eskimo Nell". (Is that in the DT? Or am I going to have to post it here?)

Only wish I could've been there to see it. *L*

BB,
NightWing

Subject: RE: BS: Poppin Off
From: Sorcha
Date: 16 Jan 01 - 08:26 PM

Several years ago, just after our grocery stores here went to computer scanners, the teeny bopper clerks were still learning how to use them. At 5 PM on the first Friday of the month (payday, Social Security checks, WIC Checks,etc.) I had a full cart of groceries, couple hundred dollars worth. I wrote a check, and the girl entered it in the register. It promptly locked up ALL 7 cash registers in the store.

The girl looks at me and asked "Are you overdrawn?" No one in the store knew what to do, so they had to call a manager from home to unlock all the computers......took about an hour. LOTSA unhappy people, there. All I could do was laugh until my sides hurt.

Subject: RE: BS: Poppin Off
From: ddw
Date: 16 Jan 01 - 09:01 PM

Gee, 'Spaw — ain't it nice to be recognized for the truly warped person you are? But if Andy Warhol was right, you're using up somebody else's 15 minutes — maybe several people's — so that has to be your last laydown comic routine for a while, OK?

LMAO,

david

Subject: RE: BS: Poppin Off
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 17 Jan 01 - 03:43 AM

Strange? The doc thought you were strange, 'Spaw? He oughta get out more (or at least lurk here). You seem pretty normal to me (not pretty but normal).
Must fly, Elvis, Hiroshi and Invisible Eddie want me to make up a four for pro-am underwater Scrabble.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Poppin Off
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jan 01 - 08:55 AM

Our local hifi store asked how long I wanted the scart lead I had just requested. Quick as a speeding snail I replied "I'd like to keep it if you don't mind..."

Also a joke shop in Fleetwood (honest!) had a note on the door bearing the legend "Door sticks". When I went in and asked for a door stick I found that joke shop owners have no sense of humour. Ah, well - how many of YOU have been banned from a joke shop?

Cheers

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Poppin Off
From: catspaw49
Date: 17 Jan 01 - 09:01 AM

Aw geez Night Wing....that's a winner! The things you do that you don't know you do because of................

As a lot of 'Catters will remember, a couple of years ago I had an aortic aneurysm. I just thought I had this pain in my back, maybe a kidney problem, but the pain was pretty significant. The doc sends me to the hospital,and I checked in and went to my room where they gave me something for the pain.

Now it turns out that I'm allergic to this particular drug, but no one, including me, knew it then. I began to become agitated and that's the last thing I remember for four days. I wake up then on a vent in a different hospital and have no idea what the hell is going on or why I'm there! It seems I'd had an interesting journey, but I missed all of it! I was life-flighted to a big hospital and they tried to run tests but I had become extremely combative and they had to use a load of extra folks to control me!!!

Now, I was never even a mean drunk! My BP skyrocketed and increased the chances of the aneurysm killing me and the attendants and docs were worried I might kill one of them first! Again, I have absolutely no memory of any of this! The upshot and actual funny part of this tale is that the main vascular doc wound up scared I might "go off" at him again at any time!!!!

How badly was he worried? That was two years ago (almost) and every time I have seen this poor guy since, he has never come closer than about four feet from me! He has never listened to my heart or my chest as others have, although he reviews the cat-scans. I sit in the exam room and he stands with his back against the wall next to the door!

I have to admit that I was a little peeved at him after it was all over because he'd called in some shrinks and I had to convince them I was not a nutcase before they would release me. Let me tell you from experience, shrinks seem to have a very limited sense of humor so I had a few problems with them at the time too.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Poppin Off
From: Kim C
Date: 17 Jan 01 - 10:24 AM

well, this is not about me, really, but I thought it was kinda funny and it just may fit in here.

A couple of days after Christmas I figured I could get some long underwear on sale. So I went off to the department store. The conversation went like this:

Clerk: May I help you find something?

Me: Long underwear.

Clerk: Underwear, as in....?

Me: Long underwear.

Clerk: Underwear, like to go up under your clothes?

(arrrrggggghhhhh)