BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,bflat
Date: 30 Jan 01 - 10:28 PM

A few years ago I was taking a cruise through the Panama Canal. It was the shakedown cruise for the line and very afforable. Well, they didn't have a lot of professional entertainers for the evenings's entertainment, part of the cost control I suppose. On one occasion, willing guests were providing the evenings' program. There was a group of approximately twelve Japanese people traveling together. They created what appeared to be a group shower. There was a makeshift showerhead; a curtain on a rope that enclosed everyone and concealed their attire or lack of. They shuffeled along singing something and commenced a mock group shower. It was hilarious.

Ellen

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Little Hawk
Date: 30 Jan 01 - 05:40 PM

Does anything?

- LH

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Kim C
Date: 30 Jan 01 - 05:25 PM

Well, it doesn't happen every time....

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Jan 01 - 08:50 PM

So that's what I've been longing for!? A man with corsairs of his own!

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 29 Jan 01 - 08:24 PM

Kat,
I have decided that I need to find a man with a full beard. The "corsairs" shouldn't be too much of a distraction then. At least when kissing...

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: mousethief
Date: 29 Jan 01 - 07:49 PM

Um, Kim, have you done this more than once? What does this say about your ability to learn from experience?

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Jan 01 - 07:45 PM

LMAO, very good, Sins! luvit!

katandhercorsairs

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Kim C
Date: 29 Jan 01 - 05:22 PM

I'll tell you what Mister does. He forgets to turn off the shower knob so that when I lean over the tub to turn the water on, I get pelted over the head with COLD water. :(

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 29 Jan 01 - 04:59 PM

Behind what??? By the way, my very first ballet performance featured Rudolph Nureyev dancing "Corsair". I was hooked. He did actually hang mid-air as if on invisible threads.

One more thing to add to the male shower ritual. For reasons unknown, they insist on using female tweezers for everyting from corkscrews to screw drivers making it impossible for said female to deal with her corsairs. Does sound better - thanks,Kat.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Jande
Date: 29 Jan 01 - 04:14 PM

Lordy! I almost peed myself I was laughing so hard! This thread is sacred! Jeri and Alice, superb!

I live in terror of the coarse hairs! LOL!

~ Jande

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 29 Jan 01 - 04:02 PM

What if she changed it to corsair, Sins? Then it might be kinda fun, as long as he left his cutlass behind....kat

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Blind Drunk in Blind River
Date: 29 Jan 01 - 03:51 PM

Flippin' right, SINSULL! I hate coarse hairs!

BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 29 Jan 01 - 03:45 PM

I do not see the humor in any of this. Alice, that coarse hairs bit is especially offensive.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Blind Drunk in Blind River
Date: 29 Jan 01 - 03:33 PM

Okay, like, showers, eh? Showers are okay as long as you don't take em too oftern, cos that, like opens the pores up and you could get sick. I take a shower maybe every 10 days or when my drinking buddies start to complain and say things like "Geez, what died around here?" Then I figure it's time.

A shower is also a good time to shave.

The trouble is someone always turns on the water downstairs, eh? Like mostly my dunbass brother, Don or one of his loser friends. So I'm just gettin into it and the water goes friggin ice cold! I'm like "Hey, what the flip! Stop runnin' the flippin water down there!" It don't do no good, cos he usually don't hear me, at least that's what he says. Of course, he lies like a dead snake on the highway.

So I turn the cold tap down and the hot way up, and then all of a sudden the water goes so friggin hot that I get scaled like a lobster! I jump outa the shower and yank open the bathroom door and I'm like "You flippin loser, I'm gonna pound you!"

He's like "I'd like to see you try, bolthole!"

I'm like "I better not have to come down there!"

He's like "Come, love, come...the birdie's are waiting to sing over your corpse..."

And so on. It goes on and on, and I don't get to take a decent shower.

So I waited and when he took a shower I did the same thing to him...double. Plus I put crazy glue all over the toilet seat last night. That fixed him for awhile. You shoulda heard the yelling. I turned Ozzie up to ELEVEN and just let him yell all he wanted. Nobody calls me a bolthole and don't pay for it.

It is getting downright hard to stay clean around here, eh?

- BDiBR

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 26 Jan 01 - 09:43 PM

I quit shaving because I hate to look myself in the face in the morning. I once shaved the beard off on holiday and my wife said "grow it back right now".

Anyway shaving the bottom end of your head is no more natural than having the top end. It's a form of ineffectual repetitive cosmetic surgery, trying to improve on the look God and your genes have determined for you.

I reckon that the first thing Adam did when he'd eaten the apple was to have a shave, and that was the last straw. An apple, well He might maybe have let that go for once - but shaving, that was going way too far.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Troll
Date: 26 Jan 01 - 03:43 PM

McGrath! At last we find a point of agreement. There's hope for the Middle-East yet.
Actually, I don't take showers because there's never any hot water. Between the Memsahib and our son, I'm lucky to get a bowlfull for a sponge bath. I quit shaving because I could no longer tolerate the cold shaving lather.
It's either that or shower at 5:00am and I don't EVEN get up that early.

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 26 Jan 01 - 03:25 PM

I hate bloody showers. Bathtubs do what you want them to, within reason. Showers ambush you. The only times I use them is if I'm staying in a place where there isn't a bath, and then only if I can't sneak down to breakfast without.

Drop clothes on floor.
Squeeze into shower, paddling in freezing water.
Adjust controls, and switch on.
Leap out screaming as icy water explodes out in various directions.
Squeeze back in.
Adjust controls again carefully, and switch on.
Leap out screaming and scalded.
Reach in and switch off water.
Dry self ineffectively on towel the size of face cloth.
Clamber back into wet clothes - on which have been standing and dripping.
Squelch off to get breakfast, which has just finished.
Sulk.

This time hallowed ritual is observed by both male and female. Apart from the clothes on the floor, which is primarily male. (Female equivalent has the clothes balanced on the top of the shower copartment, and falling in at climactic moment.)

I hate bloody showers.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Jim Krause
Date: 26 Jan 01 - 03:05 PM

An' Ah ain't even got a shower! All Ah gots is a crummy ol' bathtub. Dagnabit.
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Kim C
Date: 26 Jan 01 - 02:40 PM

Oh, Lordee.........

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 09:38 PM

Or "Violass".......now that sounds nasty don't it?

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 09:12 PM

Kim, be glad Spaw didn't coin "assfiddle" instead!**BG**

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Kim C
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 05:15 PM

It's fun once in a while but not every day and not when I'm trying to get ready for work....

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Margo
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 03:53 PM

I'm always trying to get hubby to shower with me - I think it's fun. Anyway, he doesn't like to because I like the water hotter than he does... Margo

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Kim C
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 03:43 PM

This is because, when I get in the shower, I'm goin in there to shower and get ready for work and I ain't got time for no foolin around, see? But you men, see, you don't understand that, and you're determined to slow things down. Can you not just get in the shower to ge clean? I mean really. ;)

Actually Fiddlebum might be more appropriate, considering the cost of strings these days...

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: bob schwarer
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 03:40 PM

Because of the water shortage in Florida, showering together is to be outlawed. Showering together to save water is a myth. The water police (they really exist) checked it all out and found a person M or F could shower in 3-4 minutes, but when they put them together 15-20 minutes would pass with the water running full blast. Even when the hot water ran out, things didn't speed up.

I checked this out myself and except for minor timing differences it is true.

Bob S.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Kim C
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 03:38 PM

Oh, thanks a LOT, Spaw!!!! :) (actually I kind of like it)

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Margo
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 03:29 PM

I dunno Kendal, he thinks I'm funny. He'll be sitting watching TV, and out of the blue I'll pop around the corner and lift up my shirt and yell "Hey Jack!". He turns and looks and laughs! Probably just been married long enough that it's old...

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: kendall
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 02:24 PM

Margo, is he still driving a car? he must be legally blind!

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: MMario
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 01:50 PM

Alex - she must be a tomboy - doesn't use half enough towels.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Margo
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 01:50 PM

I always flash my husband. Darn. He just laughs...

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: mousethief
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 01:43 PM

How to take a shower like a 13-year-old young lady.

1. Announce to the whole family that you are going to take a shower.
2. Hang out with the family in the kitchen or living room if the conversation seems interesting. Interject rude remarks every time your brother says anything.
3. If one of your brothers goes into the bathroom, yell at them to keep it short because you're about to take a shower.
4. Receive four phone calls. Make two.
5. Continue conversation with family, ignoring Mom's pointed comments about "you said you wanted to talk to me privately before bed and I'm not going to stay up all night so you'd better get in the shower."
6. Go into bathroom. Lock door. Do something for half an hour that doesn't involve running water.
7. Whenever anybody asks through the door what you're doing, yell, "I'm taking a shower, duh!"
8. If they ask how you're taking a shower without water running, make a loud noise indicating your displeasure with their existence on the planet.
9. Start water running. Adjust temperature until it's perfect. Be sure to splash lots of water on the floor.
10. Undress. Leave all clothes on floor or bathroom counter.
11. Step into shower. Wash self slowly. Wash hair with each type of shampoo in the shower stall.
12. Remember that "your" shampoo is sitting on the bathroom floor by the sink. Get out of shower, get it, get back in. Be sure to get lots more water on the floor.
13. Yell at Mom to remind her to buy more of "your" shampoo, and about how disgusted you are that your slimy brother uses it, and why can't he get his own brand?
14. When Mom yells "What?" through the door, yell "Never Mind!" in your most disgusted voice. Repeat noise made in step 8.
15. Turn off shower. Immediately hop out onto the bath mat, without allowing time for water to drip off your body, thereby completing the floor-wetting process, the final result of which is that the floor mat has more water in it than most Minnesota lakes.
16. Grab the nearest towel. Dry some of your body. Decide this towel isn't good enough. Drop it on the floor.
17. Grab another towel. Dry some more of your body. If your body seems dry enough, drop towel on floor. If not, drop towel on floor and grab another towel and repeat this step.
18. Dry your hair with yet another towel. Drop it on the floor.
19. Blow-dry hair.
20. Decide to paint nails a new color. Start, then realize you haven't dressed yet and it will take 20 minutes for the nail polish to dry, during which you won't be able to get dressed.
21. Remove nail polish applied in step 20. Leave used kleenex or TP on the counter.
22. When Mom knocks on the door and repeats the warning she made in step 5, repeat noise made in step 8.
23. Unlock door. Begin to open it. Realize you're naked and lock it again.
24. Grab yet another towel. Wrap yourself in it. Unlock door.
25. Emerge, wrapped in towel. Yelling, "Don't look!" walk slowly to bedroom, unless the conversation in the kitchen or living room seems interesting as you pass.

--Alex (who knows whereof he speaks!)

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: MMario
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 01:41 PM

HOW TO TAKE A SHOWER WHEN LIVING WITH RELATIVES

1) wake up three hours before you have to go to work in order to get to shower before niece

2) find nephew has exited tub only 10 minutes before. no hot water.

3) postpone shower - take icy sponge bath.

4) break speed limits and sound barrier driving home from work to get to shower before B-I-L arrives home.

5) find nephew has just exited from 3 hour tub soak. no hot water.

6) postpone shower - heat enough water on stove to bathe face and other essentials.

7) threaten family's life limb and sanity if don't get to use shower.

8) when that doesn't work threaten to take socks off.

9) move.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Mrs.Duck
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 01:30 PM

I usually shower in the morning so I am alreagy naked. I stagger into the bathroom making sure I avoid all contact with full length mirrors (they only lie anyway!). Return to life slowly under the shower and them realise my towel is still in the bedroom from last time so yell for Geoff. The smile I get ressures me that my theory about the mirrors is correct and I can go about my day with confidence. That's love for ya!!

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 01:18 PM

A little thread cross and we have Kim all fixed up with a new name............"Fiddleass"

Great work both Jeri and Alice!!!

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Alice
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 01:15 PM

sheesh, that should be coarse hairs, not course hairs... I think I need to go take my vitamins.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Kim C
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 01:08 PM

Ohmagawd, I laughed so hard I cried. Except when I look at womanly physique in mirror, I admire violin tattoo on bum. ;) (and I could do a few more situps too but I am working on that)

Let me say, bikini wax is not all it's cracked up to be...

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Alice
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 01:06 PM

I just realized I skipped how-to # 2.

2. Try to remember whether you have already showered.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Alice
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 12:59 PM

Jeri, you inspire me.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MENOPAUSAL WOMAN

1. Walk in baggy pajamas to bathroom.
3. Feel neck and chin for course hairs, since eyes are now too weak to see them.
4. Face the doctor's scale bought at the thrift store in order to keep accurate count of weight gain/loss.
5. Drape towel over the scale.
6. Adjust water to hottest temp (if not currently having a hot flash).
7. Remind self to clean the tub and shower and wash shower curtain... someday.
8. Shampoo and condition with forumla for color treated hair.
9. Try not to slip and break any bones. Use grab bars installed for safety.
10. Shave under arms and think about leg shaving... someday.
11. Sing every song currently memorizing. Try not to slip and break any bones while rinsing off conditioner.
12. Use up the hot water getting arthritic neck and shoulder to relax.
13. Avoid looking in mirror until hair is blown dry.
14. Remind self to take vitamins.
15. Wrap self in warmest robe available (unless having a hot flash). Go get another cup of coffee and check email again.

sorry about hitting submit button too soon...chin hairs come and the memory goes.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Alice
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 12:58 PM

Jeri, you inspire me.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MENOPAUSAL WOMAN

1. Walk in baggy pajamas to bathroom. 3. Feel neck and chin for course hairs, since eyes are now too weak to see them. 4. Face the doctor's scale bought at the thrift store in order to keep accurate count of weight gain/loss. 5. Drape towel over the scale. 6. Adjust water to hottest temp (if not currently having a hot flash). 7. Remind self to clean the tub and shower and wash shower curtain... someday. 8. Shampoo and condition with forumla for color treated hair. 9. Try not to slip and break any bones. Use grab bars installed for safety. 10. Shave under arms and think about leg shaving... someday. 11. Sing every song currently memorizing. Try not to slip and break any bones while rinsing off conditioner. 12. Use up the hot water getting arthritic neck and shoulder to relax. 13. Avoid looking in mirror until hair is blown dry. 14. Remind self to take vitamins. 15. Wrap self in warmest robe available (unless having a hot flash). Go get another cup of coffee and check email again.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 11:29 AM

hey dave...

I've read that too, only to seduce a man it was Arrive Naked, Bring Beer...

;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Troll
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 11:25 AM

SHOWER?

troll

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: SINSULL
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 08:36 AM

And I thought it was just something weird about Sullivan men. I have to deal with all but the "Whoo Whoo. And that may be going on behind my back. Is there no cure?

Spaw, a friend of mine was likewise employed in a hotel bathroom when he lost his footing and hit into the sink which shifted, fell over and exploded into bits of flying shards. Hiw wife was laughing too hard to be of any assistance. Although unharmed he was covered with tiny cuts and scratches making him look like a crash victim. The hotel manager didn't know what to make of it all. the noise brought fellow guests running. Very embarrassing. And now they confine their activities to beds.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffle
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 06:10 AM

Some home truths here! BUT, I'd have to wear my specs in the shower to do much inspectin' and we only have a small mirror in the bathroom, not near the shower. Not enough hair left for the Mohican either. What about singing? Mine might loosen the tiles but it sure kills the mould!
RtS ( wasn't sure if the thread title was an invitation or that you could smell me from there!)

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 06:07 AM

I also like the man/woman seduction guide. I can't remember it in full but something like -

Rules for men seducing women

1. Dress smart 2. Groom hair 3. Buy flowers 4. Take her out for a meal 5. Buy jewelery 6. Compliment her 7. Kiss her tenderly 8. Whisper sweet nothings

So on and so forth (can anyone remember the rest?)

Rules for women seducing men

1. Arrive naked 2. Bring food....

LOL

Dave the Gnome

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: bbc
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 05:41 AM

Oh, no! I've discovered (according to the showering rule), I'm neither a man nor a woman! Eeek!

bbc

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Sorcha
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 03:17 AM

Maybe he was actually born in The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics.........??? nah, not our spaw. Must be some other long winded place.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Amergin
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 02:28 AM

Spaw, what's this fixation you have about other men's sizes?

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 02:15 AM

Yeah Helen.......really pathetic there alright. Probably smaller than a half eaten cocktail wienie.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Helen
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 12:56 AM

I guess this means the women in my state have missed out on something big.

RE: quote from catspaw: "A nice try, but its a known fact that the length of a 'tool' is in inverse to proportion to the length of the name of the state where you were born."

Helen from New South Wales.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: katlaughing
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 12:29 AM

Now why did I know this would wind up on the 'Cat if I sent it to you, Spaw? Glad you got such a kick out of it.

Jeri, absolutely BRILL!! That one is NOT resticted to SINGLe women!!

Spaw, how do you ever get a good look in the mirror with one that big...no mirror is big enough, unless you've been to the carnival and accidentally looked in one of those funny ones which makes you just think yours is that big?!**BG**

katlaughingforsure!

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Matt_R
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 12:21 AM

I sing, and sing LOUD while I'm in the shower! My bathroom has superb acoustics.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 12:17 AM

Aw really 'Gin? At least rip a few and blow your nose man!!!!

The showering together can be dangerous too. Embarassing Tale---Karen and I had a small rental house when we first moved here with a tub shower combo and one day while "foolin' around" a bit I put my ass through the wall. It was that cheap tile over wallboard, ya' know? The "ambience" was broken because we both laughed for 20 minutes.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Amergin
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 12:12 AM

Hmm my showers are decidedly boring I guess.....turn on the water, get wet....scrub body, rinse, get out...done within five minutes.....my showers used to be a little shorter....

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Sorcha
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 12:09 AM

Hail, mon. Is that all? I would have thought you could at least catch a LearJet! Maybe even a 747 on its way to Scotland.........

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 12:03 AM

Geeziz...picky bunch............

Cute Sorch. No, I gave up on the fly casting when a backcast caught on low flying Cessna.

#2 is the reverse of #18.....Go TO bathroom with robe, cover up if you see hubby......that thing.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Sorcha
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 12:01 AM

and Sock Doughnuts!!

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,Vern
Date: 25 Jan 01 - 12:01 AM

(Apologies for the thread creep. Didn't want to start a new separate thread for this. Figured as long we're all smiling....)

Life Reflections by George Carlin

1. Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

2. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

3. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

4. I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

5. Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

6. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

7. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

8. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

9. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

10. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

11. One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

12. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

13. Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

14. A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too".

15. Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Melani
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 11:53 PM

Spaw, you forgot #23 on the man's list--"Get thrown out of house by wife, who has finally had it with wet towels on the bed, water on the floor, etc.!"

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Sorcha
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 11:50 PM

(Ah do buleeve himself iz ignorin mah fishing commint.....speechless, huh?)

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Clinton Hammond
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 11:46 PM

Where's the #2 for the womens list?

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 11:34 PM

WOO-WOO

Actually, I'd love to meet the person who wrote it. It may not be perfect, but they certainly have a lot of the details right.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 11:31 PM

Brilliant stuff, Spaw. There's more truth there than one can shake a weiner at!

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Sorcha
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 11:26 PM

You "fly fishing", there, spaw?

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 11:25 PM

Ah my poor deflated and diminuitive friend khandu......A nice try, but its a known fact that the length of a 'tool' is in inverse to proportion to the length of the name of the state where you were born.

Why just the other day I took a whiz off a high bridge over the Hocking River and I accidently let my whang smash into the ice. That wouldn't have been so bad, but it broke through the 2 foot of ice and the water was real cold.... and deep too. Plus the mud on the bottom was about 3 foot deep. Turned out the ratchet pawl had let go on my "Wind-A-Tool" and I had to buy another one. This new one is the 'Super Whang' Model and has a drag adjustment, so hopefully that won't happen again.

Spaw

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Matt_R
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 11:21 PM

Hey, there are other things to "do" in the shower too!!

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Sorcha
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 11:02 PM

Whee Ha! I am with Jeri on this one!! My sides hurt!! I have to take a shower soon, anyway, because MMario really deserves clean feet if he is going to worship at them. (Hee hee hee.........500+ pages thru the copier......hee hee hee, I told him I would trim my toenails, too!)

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: wysiwyg
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 09:28 PM

SCREEEEEEMING laughter!!!!!!!!!!!

~S~

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: GUEST,khandu
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 09:14 PM

I do not wag my weiner and say "woo woo". I wag my stick of baloney and she says "OOO-WEE"!

I'm sorry for you, my poor not-so-well-hung Spaw.

Guess that's what separates the Ohio boys from the Mississippi men!

Your manly friend, khandu

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: harpgirl
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 09:07 PM

...you're supposed to do the Tilex spray first, then scrub the shower stall, then the other stuff, so you don't smell like clorox!

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: kendall
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 09:03 PM

Spaw thats me except for the Mohawk! Jeri, that was priceless..

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 09:01 PM

Oh by the way, Jeri that was hysterical.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Little Neophyte
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 08:58 PM

Where are the guidelines for how a woman should take a shower with a man and visa versa?
That would be an interesting instruction sheet.

Little Neo

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: Jeri
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 08:51 PM

Inadequate, Spaw, and what was number 2 in the Woman one?

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A SINGLE WOMAN WHO ISN'T CONCERNED WITH STEREOTYPES OR IS JUST A SLOB, NOT THAT I'M TALKING ABOUT MYSELF HERE, MIND YOU:
1. Take off clothing and put it neatly on the pile already on the bathroom floor.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror. Lift boobs up to check whether or not you still have a waist.
4. Get in the shower. Screw around with the hot and cold taps until you get the temperature perfect.
5. Wash your hair with cheap shampoo with built-in conditioner.
6. Wonder why the water isn't draining and pick out a wad of tub-hair. Wonder if that's where the Star Trek guys got the idea for tribbles.
7. Consider using the expensive, fancy crap to wash your face after you get out of the shower, then give up and use the soap.
8. Shave armpits and realise you were going to replace the razor a couple of months ago.
9 Consider shaving legs, but remember you don't have any Drano.
10. Consider shaving bikini area. Laugh hysterically at the thought of wearing a bikini.
11. Turn off shower.
12. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap towel so the water drips out the end onto the floor.
13. Consider looking at ass in mirror and decide you've had enough punishment.
14. Leave bathroom wearing ratty but warm dressing gown and towel on head.
15. Go get another cup of coffee and think about getting dressed.

Subject: RE: BS: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: CarolC
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 08:48 PM

Of course the burning question of the hour is, which way do you do it?

Subject: Let's All Take A Shower!!!!!!!!
From: catspaw49
Date: 24 Jan 01 - 08:22 PM

Okay....So I got this e-mail from another 'Catter and it wouldn't be funny if it didn't have truth in it. Personally, I wonder who wrote the thing, because I want to know.............

WHO THE HELL HAS BEEN WATCHING ME TAKE A SHOWER?????

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror-make mental note-must do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with Grapefruit Mint conditioner enhanced with natural avacado oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit, tweeze hairs.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then sashay to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your butt.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
21. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her, and make the"woo-woo" sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Cracked me up!!!!!

Spaw