Help: Scottish humor sought

Subject: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 18 Feb 01 - 10:38 PM

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In June some friends and I are going to perform for a half-hour slot in the harp tent at some Highland games. All the acts tend to be the same - people play Loch Lomond, Annie Laurie, etc. I would like to change the pace by doing something humorous, either singing clever songs or telling jokes from Scotland. Does anybody have any suggestions for where to find them?

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST, WYSIWYG
Date: 18 Feb 01 - 10:41 PM

I'll PM little john cameron for you.

~S~

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Amergin
Date: 18 Feb 01 - 10:59 PM

I didn't know the Scots had a sense of humor....

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: DonMeixner
Date: 18 Feb 01 - 11:18 PM

They don't, they rent all they need from Wales.

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: pict
Date: 18 Feb 01 - 11:49 PM

God was talking to the arch angel Gabriel he said "Gabriel I'm going to create a beautiful land with mountains and forests full of wild game,the seas around it will be teeming with fish of all kinds.I'm going to fill it with beautiful rivers and lochs filled fish.In short I'm going to create a wonder of nature and after that I'm going to populate it with a fine,strong,handsome people who are intelligent,industrious,inventive,courageous,hardy,poetic and musical in short I'm going to give them all the best of human virtues and this people will be known as the Scots and their land will be called Scotland."

Gabriel said"Hold on God old man don't you think that's a bit unfair to all the other less fortunate humans" God replied"Ah! you haven't seen who I'm giving them for neighbours"

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: JulieF
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 07:34 AM

Make it Dark, Dry and witty

But that may just be my preferences

All the best

Julie

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 07:46 AM

The map of the UK looks uncannily like a dog. Cornwall-hind paws, Wales stomach and front paws, Norfolk (and good) the hippies, and of course, Scotland the brains. BUT the best bit - Just look where they put London!

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,Rick E
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 08:08 AM

Given the above successes I'm hoping someone can help with a request for one very specific joke's punchline involving that island to the west of Scotland (there, I"m still on topic [wink]). I heard the joke told by Dave Allen and know the setup but not the punchline which, amaziningly enough, in the last 15 years nobody has come up with.

Briefly, it deals with a man looking for "The Great O'Toole, stongest man in all the world". Walking along the road, he sees a man driving fence posts into the ground with his bare hands. "Ah, you must be The Great O'Toole!" "No, sor, Oi'm not him. He's much stronger." This can be dragged out as long as it takes to re-tune or change a string with people squeezing water out of rocks, etc. But I have no clue as to how this joke ends!

Scottish humor: "Dark, Dry and (one hopes) witty"

Angus Campbell is sitting up with his wife who's feeling very poorly indeed. In fact, it's clear she'll not see the next week. Now Campbell is a very thrifty man and sees no need for electric lights, using only candles in the house. After a couple of days of tending his wife, a letter arrives. Campbell gets up, puts on his traveling clothes and says, "I've business in Glasgow that canna wait. If ye feel yerself slippin' away, blow out the candles first."

Cheers, Rick

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,Scabby Doug at work
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 08:11 AM

Two Glasgow ladies meet for lunch in a city centre tearoom.

They are discussing what kind of cakes and pastries to have to accompany the main repast..

Lady: Excuse me dear, is that a cake or a meringue?

Waitress: Naw, hen, ye're right enough - it's a cake...

Cheers

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,cretinouis yahoo
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 08:39 AM

Rick, it ends finally with a man so strong he can grab himself by the scruff of the neck and hold himself out at arms length.

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Tony in Sweden
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 08:42 AM

Woman goes into the Butchers
She asks the man,
"Is that a sheeps heid ye huv?"
"Naw missus", says the man, "It's just the way I part ma hair"

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Crazy Eddie
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 09:15 AM

Rick E,
If you look on the "Tall Tales" thread, you'll find that Naemanson posted this very Joke (US version) a day before you posted your question. Now, I'm used to quick answers on the 'Cat, but posting answers the day before the question......
Makes you wonder

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Big Tim
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 11:40 AM

A guy collapsed here recently and they took him to hospital. His wife told the ambulance man that he had been on a diet of whisky and haggis, and nothing else, for the last six months. The took him to the Burns Unit. (Thanks Bobby Eaglesham)

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: little john cameron
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 11:51 AM

There wiz a fair here last fall an' there wiz man there wi' a wee plane takin' folk up fur a spin. Auld Angus an' hiz wife wanted tae try a wee hurl so Angus asked the man how much it wiz. He said "ten dollars". The frugal Angus said "Ah canny afford that, ah'm an auld age pensioner".
"Well ah'll tell te whit." the man said. "It's no' busy the noo, so if ye promise no' tae speak ah wurd while yer up there, ah'll take ye fur nuthin'".

"Okay" says Angus."In we go, Margaret."
So aff they went!! The pilot hud the wee plane birlin' aw ower the sky dae'in loop the loops, immellman turns an' aw' kinds o' tricks, but Angus never said a wurd.
When they came doon the man wiz amazed an' asked Angus how he managed tae keep quiet aw' through that as fowk were usually screamin' by that time?
"Och" says Angus,"it wizney easy; ah nearly spoke up when MARGARET FELL OOT!"

ljc

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Amos
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 12:27 PM

The waitress was indignant when the stranger at the coffee shop tipped her a ha'penny.

"The champion miser in all Aberdeen," she remonstrated, "comes here, and even he tips me a penny!"

To which the dour customer replied as he got up to leave,

"Meet the new champion."

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Mary in Kentucky
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 01:06 PM

And then, how do you make copper wire? Two Scots fighting over the same penny.

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,Bill McDonald
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 01:11 PM

An Irishman visited Scotland to take in the good fishing, but all day he'd had no luck. A Scot passing by noticed the glum look on the Irishman's face and inquired as to the problem. Informed that the fish wouldn't bite, he asked the man to pull in his line. On the end was a small worm. "Ach," said the Scot, "That's the problem." Whereupon he pulled out flagon of scotch and poured it over the worm. "Try that." The man recast, but as the Scot was walking away he heard a shout. "Help, help!" Turning, he saw the Irishman struggling with the rod. "What's the matter, is it hung up on a rock?" "Begorrah, no! The worm's got a six foot trout by the throat and he won't let go!"

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,Bill McDonald
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 01:14 PM

You know, it was the Scots who invented the stone wall. It wasn't so much they needed a fence. They just couldn't stand to see perfectly good rocks going to waste.

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,guestguestguest(intruder)at work
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 01:38 PM

methinks the funniest ting the scots ever done
the battle of bannockburn

tho i'm sure de english dinna ken the humour of it

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 01:42 PM

I tried to search the net for this joke...and indeed it is there, but it seems to have copied and pasted from one or two sources over & over and is is a pale imitation of the longer form, which I attempt to reproduced here from memory:

..Into an apothecary shop one day walks a young Scottish military officer. He heads to the counter and asks the druggist/apothecary,(insert proper dialect if mine is not accurate)
"Excuse me, sir..but would ye be havin'..ummm...any condoms?"..."Why, of course...several brands" "And how much might they be?"..."Well, these are 50p for a box of 12...and these are 35p.."

"Have ye no got any cheaper?".."Well, here is a 3pack for 15p"...The young officer wrinkles of his forehead, thinking...then says, "Well, I'll be back", and heads off.

Twenty minutes later, he's back. "Are ye sure that's the cheapest ye have?".."Yes, I've shown you all I have."
..."Well, will ye sell one from the 3 pack?"..."One?..We don't usually break a pack...but I suppose if ye'r that hard up..".."So..how much for the one?"...."Oh, I'd have to have 8p to break the pack."

So the officer thinks again and says.."I'll be back." And off he goes. This time it is 30 minutes,,,but he does come walking in slowly..."So..8p is the best ye can do for one?", he asks hopefully. "I told you", says the apothecary firmly.."I'd be doin' ye a favor to break a package"....The young fellow reaches into his pocket(sporran?) and extracts a little foil packet which he carefully unfolds, revealing a used condom.

The apothecary says, "Hoot man, Wat be this yur'er thrustin' befor me?" .."So", asks the officer,"Do ye take trade-ins?"....

The apothecary loses patience.."NO!Ye must be daft, mon!..We do no such thing! I sell new ones, and that poor worn out thing is of NO use to me or anyone else!"

"Ah..weel, then...I'll be back," and off he goes. And this time it is 45 minutes before he returns. With a sigh, he opens the foil packet and deposits the used condom in the waste bin beside the counter and says to the glaring apothecary, "Weel, I'm sorry to have been so much trouble to you, sir, but if ye'd be so kind as to break that 3-pack...the regiment has voted..we'll be havin' a new one."

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 04:46 PM

At a folk festival at which I was a volunteer, there were also others, some new to the folk scene. The festival starts with a parade led by a highland pipe band. At the performers check-in was a green volunteer. When the pipe leader, about 6 foot 6 inches, and about 240 lbs, went to the check-in the volunteer looked up and said "Oh, you must be the pipe team". He gave a her a withering look, puffed out his chest, gave a little swirl of his kilt and in his deep bass voice said, "No, we're the transvestite dance team".

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Murray MacLeod
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 05:19 PM

Leeneia,

You should have more than enough material there to see you through your half hour.

For humorous songs, may I recommend Adam McNaughtan's "Cholesterol", and Jack Foley's "A Bottle of the Best". But quite honestly, the audiences at Highland Games in the USA (I assume the Games you are playing are in the USA) just love hearing the same old crap over and over again. Been there, done that.

Best of luck, and have fun.

Murray

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: NH Dave
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 05:39 PM

It is a hot day in the pub so the doors are open and a Scotsman, an Irishman and an English man each discover a fly in their drinks.

The Irishman flicks the fly from the head of his Guinness without giving it a thought.

The Englishman summons the waiter over and calmly intones, "There's a fly in my drink!"

And there's the Scotsman, holdin' the fly by its wings and growlin', "Spit it oot you wee bugger spit it oot!"

Dave

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: bill\sables
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 05:43 PM

What's the difference between a Scotsman and a coconut? Ye can get a drink out of a coconut.

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 06:31 PM

McTavish has dropped in on his old friend, Armstrong, and after an hours chat, allows he must be going...

"Och,"says Armstrong, "I have forgotten my manners..now before ye go off, ye'll be havin' a wee dram with me, won't you?"

"Ah..weel, since ye ask, I winna say no," nods McTavish.
..So Armstrong gets a bottle of Cragganmore from the shelf, pours some into a glass, adds some water, and hands it to McTavish. McTavish sips at the drink, runs his tongue around his lips...takes another sip and stares at the glass as if comtemplating it.

"So..how is the drink?", asks Armstrong. "Ah,it's fine...fine..", replies McTavish, taking a third, tentative sip.

"But, I dinna see the smile of a man enjoying good whisky," says Armstrong.."..the drink..it is no to yer likin'?"

"No, no..it's fine," repeats McTavish, " I do have one wee question, though...when ye poured the drink, did ye put in the whisky, or the water first?"

"Why, ye were right here..ye know full weel I poured the whisky first!"

"Ah," says Armstrong, nodding "...good...I'll be comin' to it then!"

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Bill D
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 06:40 PM

and, of course, that's McTavish again in the last line..

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Jimmy C
Date: 19 Feb 01 - 09:28 PM

A scotsman was walking down the street in Glasgow and he found a new box of Dr, Scholls Corn Plasters (Bandages). So he went in and bought himself a pair of tight fitting shoes.

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,SCabby Doug at work
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 06:06 AM

A bodhran-playing friend told me that he plays the Scottish bodhran, rather than the Irish model. I was hooked and asked what the difference.

He:"Well an Irish bodhran is quieter." Me:"Why?" Him: "It's covered with goat skin" Me:"And the Scottish one?" Him: "Covered in the skin of an Englishman" Me:"And why's that louder?" Him: "You couldn't possibly hit it hard enough"

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Tony in Sweden
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 09:17 AM

An Aberdonian was visiting London. Walking along Oxford St, he noticed a penny lying at the edge of the kerb. Stepping off the kerb, he bent down to pick it up and was run over and killed by a bus.
Coroners verdict...
Death through natural causes!

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,leeneia
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 10:47 AM

Thanks, everyone. I see some jokes I could use at a festival -- the joke about the fisherman, perhaps the one about the flies in the beer.

As for jokes like those about the bodhran made from an Englishman's skin, quite frankly, I've lost too many relatives to wars caused by European factionalism to be amused by that kind of thing. It's time to let that stuff die out.

I don't get the joke about the cake vs meringue at the tea shop at all. Perhaps it's incomplete.

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Tony in Sweden
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 10:49 AM

Leeneia
"is that a cake "OR AM I WRONG"

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: jonilog
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 12:03 PM

A woman walked into a butcher's shop where the butcher was standing with his back to the fire-place. She said,"Is that yer Ayrshire Bacon?" He replied " Naw, I'm jist heatin' ma hauns."

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 12:16 PM

If the same old crap will do:- What's the difference between Walt Disney & Bing Crosby?

(In a Glaswegian accent) Bing sings and Walt Disna.

Wha's a Hindu? Lays eggs.

groan groan groaon.

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,Steve Latimer
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 12:19 PM

A tourist walking past a Glasgow Pub noticed a long line up outside. He looked inside, saw that the place was empty and seemingly opened for business. He wandered in, asked the Barman if they were in fact open for business. The barman assured him they were and would he like to order. The fellow orders a pint of their finest lager. The barman says "that'll be one pence." The fellow pays up and has one of the finest pints he's ever tasted. He asks the barman if he's sure about the price and is assured that is the price of a pint. The fellow then says, "what's with the line-up out Front?" the Barman says, "oh' that's the regulars, they're waiting for Happy Hour".

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Naemanson
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 12:34 PM

GUEST,Rick E, I did indeed post that story in the Tall Tales thread. I haven't thought of it for years and had to work some to dredge it up. I can't believe it would surface in two place almost at once.

Thanks, Crazy Eddie, for pointing that out. amazing isn't it?

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 01:25 PM

Two shipwrecked Scots sailors were washed onto an unknown shore. With some trepidation they decided they had to go find something to eat and a way back home. After about a five mile trudge they came to a gallows from which dangled a body.

"Hoot, mon! We're in luck. We've landed in a civilized country."

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: sara_grl
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 01:55 PM

Looking for bagpipe/Scottish jokes that will make your side ache? Scroll through some of these:

Bagpipe Humor

They're not all A-1 material but fun just the same.

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Mountain Dog
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 03:02 PM

"And remember," intoned the minister as the offering plate was passing among the congregation, "The Lord loveth a cheerful giver!"

As the plate neared Auld McTavish, the tightest man ever to polish a pew, the minister gave him a highly significant look.

"Today, I'll be askin ye, each and every one, t'give until it hurts!"

McTavish took the plate and held it for a long moment, staring fixedly into its depths with a grimace that bespoke the deepest agony...and then passed it along no whit heavier than when it had arrived in his lap.

The minister could not contain his indignation and roared from the pulpit:

"Damn ye, McTavish! Did ye nae hear me say to give until it hurt, mon?"

McTavish replied with equal heat:

"Oh, aye!" he cried, perspiration beading his ruddy forehead. "An I'd have ye know, ye great lout, the vurrah thought of it hurt!"

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Mountain Dog
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 03:17 PM

Angus and Fergus were the best of friends and had always been so. Each would do anything for the other, and both knew it.

One day, Angus, feeling the bitter wind of age tugging at his collar, called his old friend to his side and asked him for a favor.

"Name it," replied Fergus.

"I've saved a quart of ancient hieland whusky that were put up by m'da on the day that I were born and should I pass away a'fore ye, I'd ask ye, Fergus, to unstopper the cork and drain it to the last drop out upon m'grave. Would ye do that for me, my oldest, dearest bosom friend?"

"Aye," replied Fergus, the mist gathering in his eye as he looked into the face of his ailing friend. "And I have one favor to ask ye in return."

"Name it," replied Angus.

"Would ye mind at all if I passed it just once through me kidneys forst?"

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Naemanson
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 03:48 PM

Three women were walking along a road when they spied a man in full kilt lying drunk in a ditch. They wondered who he might be but his face was under the roadside brush and obscured by mud. One of the women took a stick and carefully lifted the hem of the man's kilt. After a long hard look she let the hem drop and said, "Weel, he isnae my husband." The second woman took the stick and glanced under the kilt. She let the hem drop and said, "Ye're right!" The third woman took a look and said, "He isnae e'en from our village!"

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Hollowfox
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 06:15 PM

There was a new minister come to the kirk. Two auld dames attended the first service, not entirely trusting the ministering capabilities of anyone but the now-retired former minister. After the service, one asked the other,"What did you think of that new young fellow's sermon?" "There was but three things wrong with it. It was read (pronounced "reed", of course), it was no' weel reed, and it was no' worth the readin'."
I love Scottish diplomacy. And if Jeri or georgeward or somebody from that neighborhood knows where that joke came from, I'm going nuts trying to remember who told it to me!

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: Hollowfox
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 06:29 PM

And, courtesy of my father, two pipe jokes that weren't on the link:
The Irish gave the Scots the pipes, and the Scots haven't gotten the joke yet.

A piper needed the cloth cover on his pipes cleaned, so he removed it from the instrument and took it to the dry cleaner's. The person behind the counter took the cloth, turned it over and over, examined it closely, and finally asked, "Mister, just what kind of dog have you got??"

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,Blind Desert Pete
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 06:54 PM

A scot goes into his pub for his pint, has it drawn for him, looks criticaly at the bishops collar and asks the landlord "do you think there is room in this glass for a wee dramof wiskey?" "Aye" says the publican,"well then fill it up with beer mon"

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,Blind Desert Pete
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 07:05 PM

True story: A friend, touring scotland was being ragged,justifiebly so , by the locals about the size of his nose. So he says "dont you fellers know that a nose like this is a mark of royality?" "oh aye, and every crow in scotland ud be a duke"

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,Blind desert Pete
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 07:09 PM

And maybe the best of all. too long to go thru it all and not fit for on stage. but ends "But you f*** one bleeding goat"

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,CraigS
Date: 20 Feb 01 - 07:12 PM

News flash: Two taxis have crashed in Aberdeen. Fortyseven passengers have escaped with minor injuries, both front seat drivers and three back seat drivers are off the danger list.

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: GUEST,Fibula Mattock
Date: 21 Feb 01 - 09:37 AM

What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?
The Rolling Stones sing "Hey, you, get off of my cloud" and a Scotsman says "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe".

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: john c
Date: 21 Feb 01 - 12:06 PM

And sex is what Edinburgh people get their coal in.....

Subject: Lyr Add: THE SILLY BLIND HARPER (Child #192)
From: haprzombie
Date: 21 Feb 01 - 05:20 PM

THE SILLY BLIND HARPER

O heard you of a silly Harper,
Liv'd long in Lochmaben town,
How he did gang to fair England,
To steal King Henry's wanton brown?
Sing faden dilly and faden dilly
Sing faden dilly and deedle Dan.

But first he gaed to his gude wife
Wi' a' the speed that he cou'd thole:
This wark, quo' he, will never work,
Without a mare that has a foal.
This wark, quo' he, will never work,
Without a mare that has a foal.

Quo' she, thou has a gude grey mare,
That'll rin o'er hills baith low and hie;
Gae tak' the grey mare in thy hand,
And leave its foal at hame wi' me.
Gae tak' the grey mare in thy hand,
And leave the foal at hame wi' me.

And tak' a halter in they hose,
And o' thy purpose dinna fail;
But wap it o'er the wanton's nose;
And tie her to the grey mare's tail:
But wap it o'er the wanton's nose;
And tie her to the grey mare's tail:

Syne ca' her out at yon back yeate,
O'er moss and muir and ilka dale,
For she'll ne'er let the wanton bite,
Till she come hame to her ain foal.
For she'll ne'er let the wanton bite,
Till she come hame to her ain foal.

So he is up to England gane,
Even as fast as he can hie,
Till he came to King Henry's yeate;
And wha' was there but King Henry?
Till he came to King Henry's yeate;
And wha' was there but King Henry?

Come in, quo' he, thou silly blind Harper;
And of thy harping let me hear.
O! by my sooth, quo' the silly blind Harper,
I'd rather hae stabling for my mare.
O! by my sooth, quo' the silly blind Harper,
I'd rather hae stabling for my mare.

The King looks O'er his left shoulder,
And says unto his stable groom,
Gae take the silly poor Harper's mare,
And tie her 'side my wanton brown.
Gae take the silly poor Harper's mare,
And tie her 'side my wanton brown.

And ay he harped, and ay he carpit,
Till a' the Lords gaed through the floor,
They thought the music was sae sweet,
That they forgat the stable door.
They thought the music was sae sweet,
That they forgat the stable door.

And ay he harped, and ay he carpit,
Till a' the nobles were sound asleep,
Than quietly he took off his shoon,
And saftly down the stair did creep.
Than quietly he took off his shoon,
And saftly down the stair did creep.

Syne to the stable door he hies,
Wi' tread as light as light cou'd be,
And whan he open'd and gaed in,
There he fand thirty good steeds and three.
And whan he open'd and gaed in,
There he fand thirty good steeds and three.

He took the halter frae his hose,
And of his purpose did na' fail;
He slipt it o'er the Wanton's nose,
And tied it to his grey mare's tail.
He slipt it o'er the Wanton's nose,
And tied it to his grey mare's tail.

He ca'd her out at yon back yeate,
O'er moss and muir and ilka dale,
And she loot ne'er the wanton bite,
But held her still gaun at her tail.
And she loot ne'er the wanton bite,
But held her still gaun at her tail.

The grey mare was right swift o' fit,
And did na fail to find the way,
For she was at Lochmaben yeate,
Fu' lang three hours ere it was day.
For she was at Lochmaben yeate,
Fu' lang three hours ere it was day.

When she came to the Harper's door,
There she gae mony a nicher and snear,
Rise, quo' the wife, thou lazy lass,
Let in thy master and his mare.
Rise, quo' the wife, thou lazy lass,
Let in thy master and his mare.

Then up she raise, pat on her claes,
And lookit out through the lock-hole,
O! by my sooth then quoth the lass,
Our mare has gotten a braw big foal.
O! by my sooth then quoth the lass,
Our mare has gotten a braw big foal.

Come haud thy peace, then foolish lass,
The moon's but glancing in thy ee,
I'll wad my haill fee 'gainst a groat,
It's bigger then e'er our foal will be.
I'll wad my haill fee 'gainst a groat,
It's bigger then e'er our foal will be.

The neighbours too that heard the noise,
Cried to the wife to put her in,
By my sooth, then quoth the wife,
She's better than ever he rade on.
I'll wad my haill fee 'gainst a groat,
It's bigger then e'er our foal will be.

But on the morn at fair day light,
When they had ended a' their chear,
King Henry's wanton brown was stawn,
And eke the poor old Harper's mare.
King Henry's wanton brown was stawn,
And eke the poor old Harper's mare.

Alace! alace! says the silly blind Harper,
Alace! alace! that I came here,
In Scotland I've a braw cowte foal,
In England they've stawn my gude grey mare.
In Scotland I've a braw cowte foal,
In England they've stawn my gude grey mare.

Come had thy tongue, thou silly blind Harper
And of they alacing let me be,
For thou shall get a better mare,
And weel paid shall thy coste foal be.
For thou shall get a better mare,
And weel paid shall thy coste foal be.

Source: James Johnson & Robert Burns, The Scots Musical Museum, vol. VI; Number 579, p. 598 published 1803
http://www.shsa.org
Kilt and Harp

HTML line breaks added. --JoeClone, 25-Jan-03.

Subject: RE: Help: Scottish humor sought
From: haprzombie
Date: 21 Feb 01 - 05:30 PM

The Scotsman ("The Scotsman" - Bryan Bowers, written by Mike Cross) Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left a bar one evening fair, And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share. He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet, And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. Chorus:       Ring ding diddle iddle ay dee oh,       Ring di diddly ay oh,       (repeat last line of previous verse) About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by, One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye: "See yon sleeping Scotsman, so strong and handsome built? I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt!" (Chours) They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be; Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see. And there, behold, for them to view beneath his Scotish skirt, Was nothin' more than God had graced him with upon his birth. (Chorus) They marvelled for a moment, then one said: "We must be gone. Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along." As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow, Around the bonnie star the Scot's kilt did lift and show. (Chorus) Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled towards the trees. Behind the bush he lifts his kilt, and gawks at what he sees. And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes, "Oh, lad I don't know where ye been, but I see ye won first prize!" (Chorus) More songs are appreciated, SEND THEM HERE. We can do all the set-up, just send your text file. Other Songbooks: Around the Campfire, Marian of Heatherdale, Cynred's Sangboc, Clan McGregor, Ealdormere Disclaimer, Credits, Site Map, Lists, Problems. Webbed for the greater glory of Ealdormere, and maintained by Tempus Peregrinator [e-mail]