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Tuning up jokes

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Deckman 27 Feb 01 - 08:54 PM
GUEST,Bruce O. 27 Feb 01 - 09:02 PM
geo45 27 Feb 01 - 09:22 PM
Justa Picker 27 Feb 01 - 09:26 PM
Rich(bodhránai gan ciall) 28 Feb 01 - 12:06 AM
Benjamin 28 Feb 01 - 12:55 AM
Extra Stout 28 Feb 01 - 01:05 AM
Deckman 28 Feb 01 - 04:38 AM
mcpiper 28 Feb 01 - 05:17 AM
Lady McMoo 28 Feb 01 - 05:43 AM
The Crazy Bird 28 Feb 01 - 05:45 AM
Banjer 28 Feb 01 - 05:51 AM
Sarah the flute 28 Feb 01 - 05:59 AM
Seany 28 Feb 01 - 12:17 PM
MikeofNorthumbria 28 Feb 01 - 12:28 PM
GUEST,JohnB 28 Feb 01 - 12:37 PM
GUEST,Fretless 28 Feb 01 - 12:50 PM
Gray Rooster 28 Feb 01 - 12:55 PM
Jim the Bart 28 Feb 01 - 01:47 PM
John Hardly 28 Feb 01 - 01:57 PM
Songster Bob 28 Feb 01 - 02:00 PM
Bernard 28 Feb 01 - 02:07 PM
GUEST,Van the Man 28 Feb 01 - 02:46 PM
Deni 28 Feb 01 - 03:58 PM
late 'n short 2 28 Feb 01 - 04:31 PM
Uncle_DaveO 28 Feb 01 - 06:10 PM
Mountain Dog 28 Feb 01 - 07:29 PM
reggie miles 28 Feb 01 - 10:20 PM
BlueJay 01 Mar 01 - 11:22 AM
Jeremiah McCaw 01 Mar 01 - 11:37 AM
wdyat12 01 Mar 01 - 01:47 PM
GUEST,petr 01 Mar 01 - 06:14 PM
Rich(bodhránai gan ciall) 01 Mar 01 - 09:14 PM
English Jon 02 Mar 01 - 03:56 AM
Boab 02 Mar 01 - 05:12 AM
GUEST,Roll&Go-C 02 Mar 01 - 12:53 PM
Gray Rooster 02 Mar 01 - 01:10 PM
Rich(bodhránai gan ciall) 02 Mar 01 - 09:27 PM
GUEST,JamesJimFolk 02 Mar 01 - 10:35 PM
GUEST,Norton1 02 Mar 01 - 11:21 PM
zander (inactive) 03 Mar 01 - 01:23 AM
zander (inactive) 03 Mar 01 - 01:24 AM
Barbara 03 Mar 01 - 10:44 AM
GUEST 03 Mar 01 - 12:33 PM
GUEST,Dita (at work) 03 Mar 01 - 12:35 PM
GUEST 03 Mar 01 - 12:54 PM
GUEST,Dita (at work) 03 Mar 01 - 02:50 PM
GUEST,Jon 30 Dec 10 - 10:36 AM
Acorn4 30 Dec 10 - 10:56 AM
GUEST,Grishka 30 Dec 10 - 12:25 PM
dick greenhaus 30 Dec 10 - 01:06 PM
autoharpbob 30 Dec 10 - 03:02 PM
Artful Codger 30 Dec 10 - 06:57 PM
Stewart 30 Dec 10 - 07:03 PM
Bernard 30 Dec 10 - 07:30 PM
framus 30 Dec 10 - 11:07 PM
LadyJean 31 Dec 10 - 12:36 AM
Tootler 31 Dec 10 - 07:19 PM
Jim Dixon 31 Dec 10 - 08:57 PM
Tattie Bogle 01 Jan 11 - 05:39 PM
Mark Ross 01 Jan 11 - 07:12 PM
framus 01 Jan 11 - 07:36 PM
GUEST,Sid F 01 Jan 11 - 09:31 PM
PHJim 02 Jan 11 - 02:32 AM
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Subject: Tuning up jokes
From: Deckman
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 08:54 PM

Click for the 'PermaThread™: List of all joke threads'


Help ... I need some humor in my life. How about sharing your best tuning up jokes ... you know ... those favorite one or two liners you use to stall the audience while you are trying to get your cranky strings in tune. Here's a few to get us started:

What's the difference between a 1937 Chev and a five string banjo? You can tune a chev!

What note do you get when you throw a piano down a mine shaft? A flat minor!

What's the difference between a banjo and an accordian? Accordians burn longer!

Hey, make me (us) smile, CHEERS Bob (deckman) Nelson


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST,Bruce O.
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 09:02 PM

I heard at a concert about 20 years ago that the performer said he had enough for a book of them and intend to publish it.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: geo45
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 09:22 PM

I don't know what's wrong with this guitar, it was in tune when I bought it!

If I _EVER_ get this thing in tune I"m gonna take it out and get it welded.

After an interminable stretch of twanging, "that's the famous old Chinese folk-song,'tune-ING'"

geo45 8^)>


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Justa Picker
Date: 27 Feb 01 - 09:26 PM

"So where are you from?" (he says to a pretty thing in the front row)...and she replies "[name of town], U.S.A." and I quip "Oh yeah, [name of town], Nice place if they ever finish it."


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 12:06 AM

The best I ever heard was Robin and Linda Williams. "The problem is she's deaf and she tunes by sight. HOW DO THEY LOOK, DEAR?"

Or I just saw John Jackson start a set with "Well let's see I tuned it last week and I hope it's in tune this week."

I saw Martin Hayes and Dennis Cahill 2 years ago. They opened with the 12 minute set from "The Lonesome Touch" that ends with Toss the Feathers, and then Martin rattled off the names of all 5 tunes and added "and we're nearly in tune. I'd blame it on the weather here (rain) but this fiddle is from West Clare where we get boatlands of rain even for Ireland.........and now we live in Seattle." he pokes around for a minute and finally says "If you'll just bear with me, I'm afraid if I try to be slick and talk while I tune, I'll never actually tune."

A friend of mine that I used to play with used to make all kinds of cracks about "he spent an obscene amount of $$$ for a tuneable bodhrán and he's gonna tune it. Let's all pretend like we can hear a difference"


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Benjamin
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 12:55 AM

I believe it was Weiss (long before the guitar was invented) that "lutenists spend half their life tuning and the other half playing out of tune." See if you can work with that.

You might want to see you can check out a Randy Stonehill concert. That guy is the funniest act I've ever seen. He's a great guitar player as well.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Extra Stout
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 01:05 AM

100 years ago, or so, The New Lost City Ramblers talked about sending their instruments back to the factory for tuning once a year, whether they needed it or not. Maybe it was only 30 years ago.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Deckman
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 04:38 AM

What's the difference between a dead skunk and a dead banjo player ... there's skid marks in front of the skunk!


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: mcpiper
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 05:17 AM

Best tuning joke I've seen was a few years ago on a Royal variety show. The group had a typewriter as part of it's instrument line up, when the double bass player went to tune, he asked the typewriter player for a g. It took a few seconds for the audience to get it, but the laughter went on for quite a while.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Lady McMoo
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 05:43 AM

If extensive tuning or retuning is required, I usually tell the audience I'm going to play a bit of Martin Carthy (renowned guitar supremo who at least when I used to watch him regularly in folk clubs spent half the night tuning and retuning)

mcmoo


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: The Crazy Bird
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 05:45 AM

Dear Hearts,

I never have understood the need to keep the audience mollified with wise cracks while tuning, they got ants in their pants or something?

I might say excuse me if I cut a fart or something, but if it needs to be tuned, they can wait or zap to another channel.

I mean, like the culture can't wait for the dough to rise b4 baking bread, can't take the time to cut onions to put in the stew -- but they can dam well wait until the geetar is tuned.

On the other hand tho, we got time to spend a large part of our life sitting in traffic jam up to our road rage.

(getting off muh soap box and getting ready t'tune muh autoharp )

CrzyBrd


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Banjer
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 05:51 AM

You can tuna fish, but you can't tune a banjo...

Banjo tuning is an oxymoron


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Sarah the flute
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 05:59 AM

What's the difference between a banjo and a mandolin ? The banjo can't fit in the rubbish skip sideways


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Seany
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 12:17 PM

what's this 'tuning up' thing everyones talking about ?


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: MikeofNorthumbria
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 12:28 PM

I play a union guitar - one out, all out.

Wassail!


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST,JohnB
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 12:37 PM

When we start a song out of tune, only occasionaly of course. I generally say, whilst Tom gets his pitch pipe out, "Well you have seen those guys with Guitars up here going plink plink, we are just doing the same thing". JohnB, mouthpiece for an a capella group of eight.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST,Fretless
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 12:50 PM

I was gonna write a book "1001 Things to Say While Tuning a 5-String Banjo," but it turned out that 1000 of them were unprintable.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Gray Rooster
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 12:55 PM

Ladies and gentlemen, my guitar is tremendously affected by atmospheric pressure. Please hold your breath for the duration of the show.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Jim the Bart
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 01:47 PM

"I'm going to take a few minutes to tune up. It's not for me; I'm tone deaf, but there might be some musicians in the house and I hate to offend."


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: John Hardly
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 01:57 PM

I have the incredible talent for singling out the one string that's out...



...and tuning the other 5 to it.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Songster Bob
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 02:00 PM

Let's see:

"We tune because we care!"

"Tune it or die ... trying." (This is better as a t-shirt slogan or bumper sticker).

"I've got it surrounded!"

"I'd tell a tuning joke, but I've got more class than that. So I'll tell a dirty joke instead."

"Maybe we'll just do this next fiddle tune a cappella." (I actually once took part as part of a band, accompanying an "a cappella blues" performance, complete with non-instrumental intro and a break.)

and the old favorite,

"I don't understand. It was in tune when I bought it." This is especially useful with antique instruments.

Bob Clayton


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 02:07 PM

Hands up who thinks it's in tune?

So you don't know, either!!

or: I'll just have to sing out of tune, and it'll all sound right...


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST,Van the Man
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 02:46 PM

I had a friend who had perfect pitch. He could throw a banjo into a skip without touching the sides.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Deni
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 03:58 PM

My partner acts the straight man without even trying. The other night I constructed a thin tale around two one-liners while he tuned his guitar. 'Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.' and '...the early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese.'

Unfortunately, too short, so I dipped into my acordian case and came out waving a sheet of jokes. After five, the audience was laughing but I was fed up and started to make cracks about his tuning; he must have been listening to the jokes instead of concentrating. In the end he threw down the guitar, gently, and said to hell with the bloody thing and we sang acappella. That got a bigger laugh than any of our songs.

I heard somewhere that Billy Connolly was a good folk musician but that people kept asking him to tell jokes until he switched careers...and the rest, as they say, is...

...a great idea for a thread.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: late 'n short 2
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 04:31 PM

If there are any serious musicians present, the attempt itself is enough to keep them laughing.

Dan


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 06:10 PM

I want you all to know that there are only two kinds of notes: Right notes and wrong notes. I try to get some of each into each song I play.

An old mountaineer banjo player was sitting, tuning his banjo. The northerner says, "How long you been playing banjo, grandpa?" He peers over his glasses and says, "Sixty-five year--sixty year tunin', five year playin'!!"

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Mountain Dog
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 07:29 PM

A favorite if the tuning waxeth long and tee'jus:

"I suffered for my music...now it's your turn!"


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: reggie miles
Date: 28 Feb 01 - 10:20 PM

An old partner of mine uses this.

I'd like to thank Franco American (makers of spaghetti) for my strings.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: BlueJay
Date: 01 Mar 01 - 11:22 AM

I heard this one from the band Three on a String, from Alalbama, I think.

One guy says, "We'd better get in tune".

The other guy says, "Well do you want to get in tune or just play regular"?


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Jeremiah McCaw
Date: 01 Mar 01 - 11:37 AM

As my friend, Scott Cameron Smith (a fine songwriter with a brand new CD, can be checked out at scottcameronsmith.com) is wont to say when he's having trouble tuning, "If we didn't like you, we wouldn't tune."
Trouble is, if I'm doing my occasional bass backup for him, I'll butt in with,
"But Scott, you told me that you don't like 'em at all, and you only tune out of sheer self-respect!"

I kinda consider it my mission in life to try and crack Scott up on stage.

(sorry 'bout the promo at the start of this. I don't think I could ever do it for myself, but for my friends, I am shameless!)


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: wdyat12
Date: 01 Mar 01 - 01:47 PM

Said to any member of the band who takes longer than the rest to tune up. "Is this the new tune we're doing or the old one?"

wdyat12


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST,petr
Date: 01 Mar 01 - 06:14 PM

you wear a hawaiian shirt.

'I dont want to be talking to the sound guy all the time but could we get a little less shirt on the monitor?"


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 01 Mar 01 - 09:14 PM

Suzanne Thomas tuning her banjo, before singing The Cuckoo Song: "This is the slow part. This is what makes it jazz"


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: English Jon
Date: 02 Mar 01 - 03:56 AM

"he played the guitar an unusual way. All the strings were tuned to A.

Nearly."

English Jon


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Boab
Date: 02 Mar 01 - 05:12 AM

You guys seem to have them all down in print----but if you ever run into Vin Garbutt, his tuning performance is funnier than most comedians' routines---


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST,Roll&Go-C
Date: 02 Mar 01 - 12:53 PM

I swear I saw this ad in UNCLE HENRY'S:

For Sale - 5-string banjo in great condition. Never tuned. Best offer.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Gray Rooster
Date: 02 Mar 01 - 01:10 PM

At CAMP, STUPID in Kerrville during the folk festival, a list of rules is provided for the thousands of our guests that come into camp for a visit and a chance to play.

I forget which rule number it is, but it states:

Tuning Is Optional


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall)
Date: 02 Mar 01 - 09:27 PM

There's the very old joke: "He spends half his time tuning and the other half playing out of tune"



ANd one where you have to know your audience to get away with:
Ceist: Cen chaoí a ndearfa "transvestite" i nGaeilge?

Freagra: Albanach

It's not about tuning, but it will kill time.

Rich


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST,JamesJimFolk
Date: 02 Mar 01 - 10:35 PM

"The last time we were in the same key? I think it was when we were in Key West."

"The weather was pretty bad this morning, so we tuned up by telephone. We're from different area codes, so we may have a slight problem."


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST,Norton1
Date: 02 Mar 01 - 11:21 PM

You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose. So says Cowboy Chuck.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: zander (inactive)
Date: 03 Mar 01 - 01:23 AM

Yo any member of the band or anyone at a session who is taking a long time to tune up ' when you get that in tune get it welded ' [ prefferably to the back of a 49 bus ]

Cheers, Dave


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: zander (inactive)
Date: 03 Mar 01 - 01:24 AM

I must get my eyes tested I keep hitting the wrong keys


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Barbara
Date: 03 Mar 01 - 10:44 AM

If yr guitarist is taking too long tuning, mosey over to her, point and say, "I see the problem."
"What?"
"The pick is flat."
Blessings,
Barbara


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Mar 01 - 12:33 PM

The late great Danny Kyle used the "welded tae the back of the bus" one too. A couple more of his were -

"We'll be here a while, John's a tone deaf perfectionist".

Or, "The guitar is Japanese and the strings are American - and they've not forgotten Pearl Harbour.

And from way back, " This is a wee Chinese piece called Tu Ning".

love. john.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST,Dita (at work)
Date: 03 Mar 01 - 12:35 PM

Sorry that unnamed one is me - forgot I was posting from work - that really is sad.
love, john


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Mar 01 - 12:54 PM

To the less than enthusiastic crowd, "thank you (pause) both of you".


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST,Dita (at work)
Date: 03 Mar 01 - 02:50 PM

Guest you just reminded me of another Kyleism -

"One, two. One, two. Naw I'm no testing the mike, I'm counting the audience"

love, john.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST,Jon
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 10:36 AM

"Somebody put one of my strings out of tune and won't tell me which one."


Cheers!

Jon


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Acorn4
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 10:56 AM

Tuning should be measured in units called 'Carthys' - if it takes still longer you can discuss how many 'Carthys' in a 'Simpson'.

Wild Willy Barratt says he doesn't over bother about tuning as 80% of people are tone deaf.

My favourite is by Doc Watson:- "We tune because we care!"


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST,Grishka
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 12:25 PM

Detail of the Ghent altar; the harpist taps the fiddler's shoulder and whispers: "Don't worry, I can't tune mine either, no matter how long the organist plays that A".


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: dick greenhaus
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 01:06 PM

Back in 1958, at the New Lost City Rambler's first NY concert, we were peddling a tape (this was pre-cassette) OF "Tom Tunes in Hi-Fi"---45 minutes recorded from older Tom Paley Concerts.

And, IMO, the best tuning comment ever was from Robin Huw Bowen who, when asked how long it takes to tune a triple harp, responded "Nobody knows".


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: autoharpbob
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 03:02 PM

From a guitar - autoharp duet:
"I know this concert hall full of skeletons where the autoharp tried to tune to the guitar instead of the other way round!"


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Artful Codger
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 06:57 PM

"Pardon me while I adjust this key down to my instrument."

"It's a new bridge; I'm still breaking it in."

"They normally give me a day's head start."

"Well, they told me it was an A string at the store. I hope I've kept the receipt."

"Sorry, I have banjo ear tonight."

"The next song will be 'The Lost Note.'"

"I borrowed this tune from Doc Watson, but the notes are still adjusting to the time zone."


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Stewart
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 07:03 PM

"we tune to please you,
tell us if you don't care,
it would save us a lot of time."

Cheers, S. in Seattle


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Bernard
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 07:30 PM

Let's take a vote...

Who thinks it's in tune?

Who thinks it's not in tune?

Who doesn't give a monkey's? (usually gets the most votes, especially if the musician(s) join(s) in!


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: framus
Date: 30 Dec 10 - 11:07 PM

Did anybody listen to the "Concert for Bangladesh".
After some applause, Ravi Shankar said "Thank you, if you enjoyed our tuning-up, I hope you will enjoy this tune".


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: LadyJean
Date: 31 Dec 10 - 12:36 AM

Some years ago, I gave my sister a Roy Rogers Guitar for Christmas. The thing is a toy and barely playable. But she opens concerts by tuning it and telling the story about Roy Rogers and the bobcat that ends with "Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who chewed your new shoes." Before playing a real guitar.

My church has Scottish Reformation Sunday, happily no longer with the Shriners' Bagpipe band. I filled out prayer requests for a number of years "Please pray that the Shriners learn to tune their bagpipes before next year."


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Tootler
Date: 31 Dec 10 - 07:19 PM

Comment from the conductor of our choir:

"I noticed the piano went sharp during that song"


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 31 Dec 10 - 08:57 PM

My personal favorite:

"You know, they'd save everybody a lot of trouble if they'd tune these things up at the factory before they shipped 'em out."


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 05:39 PM

Two different concerts I've been at where they had bagpipes and other instruments: they'd obviously been and practised their separate bits perfectly - but separately - quite confident that it would be 'all right on the night", and oh yes, they'd checked what key it was being played in.
BUT they'd forgotten about transposing instruments - so there was a horrible clash when they all came in together, at just the right spot, but in 2 different keys!


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: Mark Ross
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 07:12 PM

Frandsen's Law of Instrument Tuning;

1. How correctly your instrument is tuned is inversely proportionate to the time spent tuning.

2. When having particular difficulty tuning a stringed instrument, find the string most out of tune and tune everything else to that.

3. When playing in large groups, everyone tune to the musician on their right.

From Erik Frandsen, aka Blind Erik Flatpick
.

Mark Ross


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: framus
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 07:36 PM

Never play in a group with an autoharp.
Davy.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: GUEST,Sid F
Date: 01 Jan 11 - 09:31 PM

Never make a joke about tuning if you don't have to - it always sounds corny and most of the audience have heard them all before.


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Subject: RE: Tuning up jokes
From: PHJim
Date: 02 Jan 11 - 02:32 AM

I'll tell the story about jazz guitarist Herb Ellis, probably not true, but the person who told me swore it was:

Before he joined Oscar Peterson, Herb Ellis played with Glenn Gray's Casa Loma Orchestra. One night after a show, Glen said to Herb," Why do you spend so much time tuning? You tune after nearly every number. I went tyo see Segovia play and he didn't have to tune more than twice all night."
"Well," said Herb, "Some cats just don't care."


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Mudcat time: 21 April 1:32 PM EDT

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