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BS: Bones! What makes you seethe
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Subject: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Deni Date: 11 Mar 01 - 12:34 AM That should have been, bones of contention. What makes you seethe. I'm bristling from an injustice, but instead of lying in bed pitying myself I thouht i'd put a thread out. it's 4am. does anyone have a good way to stop those voices from taking over your life, when someone has been amazingly bitchy,unjustly. Please help. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Bugsy Date: 11 Mar 01 - 12:43 AM Life's too short, and you'll only get ulcers. follow my philosophy - FUCK EM! Now - get some sleep! Cheers Bugsy |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Deni Date: 11 Mar 01 - 12:45 AM It's back to bed with me then!!!!!!!!!! Thanks Bugsy. No seriously, if it were only that easy. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Bugsy Date: 11 Mar 01 - 12:48 AM It can be. I mean it. After worrying about all sorts of stuff I finished up with ulcers and heart problems. That sure bring it home to you fast. So brush it off and enjoy a new day tomorrow. Cheers
Bugsy |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Deni Date: 11 Mar 01 - 12:54 AM OK. While my heart is still hopefully whole, I shall practice abdominal breathing. Thanks, i really will go back to bed soon. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Sorcha Date: 11 Mar 01 - 12:56 AM Decide what's important. Your peace of mind or your revenge; your ethics or the other guys bullshit; your own inner sense of (warped?)humor? Is self pity better than laffing at the whole mess? Get sneaky? Don't let the bastards get you down. We had what I saw as an injustice here a couple weeks ago. I sent a note to the local newspaper and I'll give them 2 weeks (4 issues) to follow up on it. If they don't, I'll send it to a bigger newspaper, because it should be publicized. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Deni Date: 11 Mar 01 - 01:02 AM Sorcha. My husband reckons the best thing you can do, is..'Do what you do, do well' and sit back and watch 'em squirm. Mine is only a smallish, personal thing,but it hurts. Ouch. Thanks for your thoughts and don't forget to pass on the newsworthy injustice if you think someone needs support. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: The Crazy Bird Date: 11 Mar 01 - 01:09 AM Demi, I'm not sure I understand, and from the postings I figure there are some things I don't even know about what you refer to. But I do know about insults to the integrity of being -- this can be physical attack, an image outrageous in a newsclip, a verbal assault -- many things... There is really nothing one can do -- except to express and describe the insult, either to near ones, or from a soapbox of some sort... The only thing not to do is to "be nice", sit on it and let it eat one up... kind regrds crzybrd |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Amos Date: 11 Mar 01 - 01:12 AM One thing you can do is to spot the exact wrong belief, statement or action, so that you feel perfectly clear in your own mind that you see where the falsity was entered into the scene. It gives a chance to restore your own sense of reality after it has been badly assaulted. A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Spud Murphy Date: 11 Mar 01 - 01:40 AM I am 75 years old and have been married (to the same woman)for 52 years. Believe me, I know about 'bones of contention'. Life is awash with injustices. I guess it makes a difference who the person is that you are currently at odds with. Several years ago my wife and I were told by our son and daughter-in-law not to have anything further to do with our grandchildren, their children. It tore our guts apart. I thought there was no deeper dispair that I would ever feel. The sleepless nights became an unending nightmare. My wife and I simply did not acknowledge the pain we felt. We never raised our voice about the issue, and in all other matters we maintained a loving and caring posture. After all, we did love our son and his wife, as well as our grandchildren. We have a wonderful relationship with all of them now. My two grandsons and my granddaughter are well adjusted, happy, caring young adults, married or about to be so. The entire extended family shares in the happiness of the others. If my wife or I had reacted to my son's wrongheaded edict in anger, that would not be the case. The family could have been torn apart by unending recrimination. I guess it makes a difference who the person is who brings about your anger and your pain, and how their relationship with you bears on your future happiness. You didn't share those things, so I can't say how you should respond to the other person's actions. Believe me, there are lots of scenarios where I would suggest anything from calling the cops to hiring a lawyer or simply chalking the relationship off. You have to decide. Just remember, life and its relationships are to be cherished, not decried. Spud |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Mr Red Date: 11 Mar 01 - 07:04 AM Try being unbelievably considerate and complimentary to them. It worries them something rotten. It is a form of turning the other cheek, but sarcastically. Spend your thinking time cooking-up ways to be nice, BUT..... I once got round this by describing a self important beard grower as hircine. He thought it was a compliment! (hircine is not related to hirsuit, it relates to having the qualities of a goat, cf porcine & pig) A week later you can drop the explanation into converstaion but these things have to be rehearsed and you have to pick your moments. Have fun. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: wysiwyg Date: 11 Mar 01 - 07:25 AM Deni, The BEST tools for exactly what you asked are described at: www.rc.org Feel free to PM me with questions. ~Susan |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Naemanson Date: 11 Mar 01 - 09:48 AM I found an answer, a partial answer, in categorizing those who hurt me. It isn't perfect but it reduces the numbers of people who can touch me and cut me. The lowest category on the totem pole are the people who don't know me. To them I am just another impediment on the path of life. They carry no personal animosity. I compare them to the submerged rocks on a stretch of whitewater. The rocks don't mean to rip the bottom out of your canoe but if you aren't careful they will. This category includes people who cut you off on the road, try to skip to the head of the line, etc. You can safely ignore the actions of these people. Then there are those people who might be categorized as acquaintances. The things they do that hurt you could possibly be the result of some form of animosity or just ignorance. They may be ignorant of what would hurt you. You can either ignore them or explain the situation. If there is found, upon reflection, some animosity, then you need to sit down with them and clarify the problem. There may be no solution but at least you have the satisfaction of knowing you tried. If you cannot talk out the difficulty then you know what to expect from that person and can take precautions. The last category are those who are close to you. These are the cuts that hurt the most. Family members, lovers, close friends can hurt you inways you cannot predict. And the pain makes it so hard to stay rational and reasonable. But it also is most important to keep you head and talk it out. If the injury was intentional then you have a problem. If it was accidental then you need to work it out and make it better. That's how I face the world. The number of people who want to hurt you is amazingly small when you break it down this way. And it allows you to sleep at night. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Amos Date: 11 Mar 01 - 10:34 AM Naemanson speak with straight tongue! Great wisdom. A |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: gnu Date: 11 Mar 01 - 11:27 AM I have realized that when you are seething because of injustice, it is becasue YOU are honest, courteous, polite, loyal, thoughtful, etc., and you feel betrayed, even by strangers who break the golden rule, no matter how small the injustice. One way to relieve yourself of the burden of the anger and resentment is to take solice in the fact that you can count yourself amongst the majority that understand the value of that rule. What goes around.... and when it does, remember and abide by the golden rule, because it's your chance to teach it and convert another jerk to our side. Of course, if you try to convert them and it doesn't work, then F'em over every chance you get, because "..any lovin's good lovin,..." so take what you can get. gnu |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: RichM Date: 11 Mar 01 - 11:28 AM When someone wrongs you, AND it hurts, you have choices.
Decide if you
Based on this, you can
Attack the person
Attack the issue Remember, you don't have to accept the person's opinion of you: you can choose to ignore it. On the other hand, a disagreement about an ISSUE can be challenged with reasoned statements to the person or organization that will decide the outcome. Rich
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Allan C. Date: 11 Mar 01 - 11:31 AM Mom has always said, "Consider the source; then forget it." For years I only half-understood this idea. I spent a lot of time trying to forget the injustice, to set it aside somehow. But it was a long time before I got around to recognizing the importance of considering the source. As Naemanson points out, there are large differences in the effect of the injury depending upon its source. If you take a bit of time to consider the source of the injury, often it is easier to find some way to forget, or at least, forgive the injury. Think about your history - or lack of history with the offending party. When all is said and done, does their opinion really matter to you? If it does, then could there be any foundation for what was said? In other words, dispite the sound or phrasing of what was said, could it be that this person actually cares about you and wanted to tell you something important about yourself that you might not otherwise consciously recognize? Or consider the possibility that the injury may not have been intentional. On the other hand, maybe the offending party is simply crazy. I spent years being tortured by personal attacks and insults by someone (to whom I was unfortunately married) and nearly burned out trying to understand the reasons behind the attacks. Then one day someone said something to me that cleared up the whole mess. Ready? Okay, here it is: "Crazy people are supposed to act crazy." If you can accept that simple idea, then there is no reason to continue to expend your energies in trying to understand motives, reasons, etc.. That person is acting and speaking in a manner befitting them. You were just a witness. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: wdyat12 Date: 11 Mar 01 - 11:58 AM Deni, Lot's of good advice here on this thread. While you are working out your problems do something creative or just do something nice for yourself. Sharing your problem helps. See all the people that are on your side here. wdyat12 |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: GUEST,marty D Date: 11 Mar 01 - 12:03 PM My Father used to say "If you rock the boat, some people are going to drown". I only worry about Death, Taxes, and The Knicks. Martin |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: gnu Date: 11 Mar 01 - 12:06 PM marty D.... how can you sleep ? gnu |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Hawker Date: 11 Mar 01 - 01:06 PM Deni! Injustice? Want me to sort them out? Just think, whilst all this chatter was going on someone called you Demi! I had an instant mental picture of you and it made me smile, I shall hereby call you Demi forever! Hope you got some sleep and not ulcers, leave the heart trouble to me! Had a great time with the songwriters on Friday, made me feel very welcome, have been playing with the steam engine today Got to go, thinking of you, ring me if you want to let off more steam! I find that that can help just as much as all the other advice! Take care, love to all Lucy & the gangXX |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: SINSULL Date: 11 Mar 01 - 01:20 PM Allan's Mom has it right - "Consider the source" and then remember that you are exactly the same person who got out of bed, showered, dressed, and started your day happy and full of anticipation before the comment was made. I am smarting from a particularly ugly remark from someone who has been trying to "put me in my place" for a while. When I remind myself that his opinion literally means nothing to me - well...Then I have the added satisfaction that I am driving him nuts by refusing to care about his comments. For the record, they still hurt. And I wonder about the damaged soul that generates such meanness. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: guest(intruder-inactive) Date: 11 Mar 01 - 01:46 PM the natural state is joy why are you looking for things to erode the natural? |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Naemanson Date: 11 Mar 01 - 05:22 PM Actually the natural state for the human animal is derived from its evolution as one of the predators' favorite prey on the plains of Africa. Therefore you can deduce that the natural state for humans is a watchful wariness. Fortunately we've evolved to the point that allows us to look for joy instead. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Naemanson Date: 11 Mar 01 - 05:23 PM Oops! Suffering from clickey finger.
duplicate posting deleted by a |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: SINSULL Date: 11 Mar 01 - 05:26 PM Unfortunately, as far as I can tell, we rarely know when we have found it or appreciate it for what it is worth. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Kim C Date: 12 Mar 01 - 11:47 AM In the Bible it says something like, being nice to someone who has wronged you is like heaping hot coals upon their head. I rather like that, but people I have said that to often don't get it. So here's what I think it means.... A lot of times, people act badly because they want a certain type of reaction. And if they can get you to react badly, they're satisfied that they have accomplished their mission. On the other hand, if you continue to be nice to them in the face of their transgression, they'll see that they haven't accomplished their mission, and that you're the better person. Sometimes it is worth the effort of saying, hey, what you did upset me and hurt my feelings and here's why. Sometimes it isn't. You have to decide if it's worth it or not. But I think someone already said that. :-) |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Rich(bodhránai gan ciall) Date: 12 Mar 01 - 04:15 PM So now you lie awake in bed, hurting and full of anger, and chances are, the injuring party, doesn't even know, and is sleeping fine. Resentments hurt us more than the people we harbor them towards. Keep your own side of the street clean and don't worry about others. This is easier to say than to do, but if you can pull it off, it makes life go a lot more smoothly. Good luck Rich |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Little Hawk Date: 12 Mar 01 - 07:04 PM What makes me seethe? People who criticize Donald Duck on the basis of the f**king cartoon, without having ever read the comic. People who slander Major Tom. People who don't remember who Ned Fernwhistle is. People who boast about their farts. Make that people generally, in fact. AAAAARRRRRGGGGHHHH! I'm outa here! - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Burke Date: 12 Mar 01 - 07:47 PM A few years ago when home for a visit I had a huge argument with my Dad. Then we went to bed, I lay there continuing the quarrel as I heard him sawing wood in the other room. A living example of what Rich said. By now, I hope you've gotten to sleep, but there another bible verse that helps me. Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. It's hard to not think of or dwell on something, but changing to thinking about good, positive things helps to break the record. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Deni Date: 13 Mar 01 - 01:02 AM Yes, wisdom indeed from naemanson, and the others. I'm sorry I can't explain more, but I think that the source of my problem is a person who is bitter following a tragedy in her life. The problem is, while I hate the way she is attacking me, I know she is in a lot of pain after a bereavement and has been for many years. I would hate to make her feel even worse. What naemanson said about categorizing those with the power to hurt was good advice. Luckily in my case, my family is great, great, great, and I thank God for them. I realise the lack of specifics here might be difficult/irritating/puzzling, but the details are a bit too unusual for comfort and someone may just realise who I'm talking about. Thanks, anyway for the general tips and thoughts. They help to clarify things. I might ring you Hawker, but your lips will have to be sealed. And just what image did the name Demi send to you, may I ask? thanks friends |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Hawker Date: 13 Mar 01 - 03:28 PM Demi..... The right image of course, and not so dissimilar than you are really It was the clay bust scene from ghost actually LOL Hey my lips are always sealed except when I'm singing! Kev wants to know what you are doing for St Pat's See you soon, better get planning this holiday before they get banned with the F&M! Lucy |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: tiggerdooley Date: 13 Mar 01 - 04:06 PM In a way, Deni, her behaviour has done some good... As the other 'Catters have been offering their words of wisdom, they've been comforting not just you, but anyone else who happens to have stumbled upon this thread, and is feeling the effects of others' hurtfulness. Me included. Somebody made a very hurtful comment to me today. I'm sure she just thought she was making an amusing remark, at worst she probably thought she was taking me down a necessary peg or two, 'cos she probably finds me too friendly, too enthusiastic and too optimistic. I'm almost certain she didn't mean to hurt me, but she did, and then I felt bad that I let her do that to me. Now I've had time to chill and 'consider the source', I realise that she probably envies me because I manage to stay quite bright and happy no matter what, and therefore, people often just talk to me. And I'm sure she has her own stuff to deal with...I just wish she'd let me get on with mine in my own way. AND I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE!!! |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Little Hawk Date: 13 Mar 01 - 09:36 PM I see by most of the posts that this is a serious thread. Okay. My parents still have the ability to make me seethe. A lot of old history goes into that. Sometimes other people can do it too, if they take me totally by surprise and act in a way that seems completely unjustified (to me). That doesn't happen too often, though. I guess I am not into seething big-time. I have only been thrown once or twice by things said on Mudcat, unlike some of my friends here who are clearly more comfortable with seething than I am. I find that seething makes me feel really ill, so I try to avoid it. Tiananmen Square in 1989 was a situation that made me seethe. I think that was the last time I became absolutely infuriated for months, even years, about something I could effectively do nothing about. It was quite an experience feeling that way, and worth having the experience, but I wouldn't want to go through it again now. I feel a bit more detached now, and there is almost a sense of deja vu about these things...or an overview, you might call it. The players are all caught up in the game. Each one feels justified. That's how convincing the game can be. When it's over, you realize that it was just a game after all. But don't tell that to the ones who are playing...they will become infuriated, and infuriated people can be dangerous. I avoid infuriated people if I can. - LH |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: CRANKY YANKEE Date: 13 Mar 01 - 10:48 PM Shrink Film $19.99 + (in very small print) $4.99 S&H which really means $25.00. sealed for your protection. Bull, it's sealed for THEIR PROTECTION. In case it's been tampered with, they're covering their asses. But, Hey, how difficult could it be to re-seal something. After all, they did it and they're not all that smart. So Why do they do these things to us?, So they can chage more. When this "Individually wrapped" stuff started, my pharmacist had a big jar of Vicks nose inhalers. The were $1.00 apiece. When the jar was emptied, the co had started packaging the things in a plastic covered cardboard thing that they could hang on a hook. The Cost? $3.95. These are the sort of things that make me seethe. + |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: CRANKY YANKEE Date: 13 Mar 01 - 10:48 PM Shrink Film $19.99 + (in very small print) $4.99 S&H which really means $25.00. sealed for your protection. Bull, it's sealed for THEIR PROTECTION. In case it's been tampered with, they're covering their asses. But, Hey, how difficult could it be to re-seal something. After all, they did it and they're not all that smart. So Why do they do these things to us?, So they can chage more. When this "Individually wrapped" stuff started, my pharmacist had a big jar of Vicks nose inhalers. The were $1.00 apiece. When the jar was emptied, the co had started packaging the things in a plastic covered cardboard thing that they could hang on a hook. The Cost? $3.95. These are the sort of things that make me seethe. + |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: SINSULL Date: 13 Mar 01 - 11:00 PM Interesting but when I find myself tossing and turning angry over some stupid remark and then recalling other similar stupid remarks from twenty years ago - it is a sure sign that I am on my way to depression. Also a sure sign that I am focusing on BS in an attempt to avoid dealing with a real problem that has the potential for causing depression. Lucky me - I can catch it early, focus on the present, and stay happy. Otherwise I just "consider the source" and move on. |
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Subject: RE: BS: Bones! What makes you seethe From: Deni Date: 14 Mar 01 - 05:12 AM Tiggerdooley. I like being surrounded by optimistic people just like you! I can understand spite if you've made negative remarks or 'attacked' someone, but to be treated like dirt just for enjoying life, etc..., that's what I don't get. The stuff crankyyankee is talking about is the seethe without the hurt. That's genuine seethe food and i'm sure we all agree with those sort of things. Grrr. Little hawk. I find that seething about injustice makes me feel ill too, so I do distraction therapy, such as plugging in to a Walkman and going out. You get a few funny looks on buses when people realise you're listening to Irish folk or whatever, but at least you can trudge along the road looking fairly normal, while inside you are being uplifted. Last night I had a call from a folkie of over 80 who was driven out of her folk-related job donkeys' years ago by a poison-word campaign. She recently rang the woman who did her the damage and talked to her about it.(Reasonably!) Soon, she received a letter from the woman concerned, who said, 'Let's just forget all the bad things in the past.' Easy for her to say when my elderly friend had suffered very severe financial hardship, personal problems and the loss of her good name, the pain of which are still with her a squillion years later.' I mentioned that she didn't sound bitter, and she said, 'No, not bitter, only very, very hurt.' On a happier note, now that the other woman has lost her power and influence, my friend is linking up with local folkies to do all the things she would have liked to do years ago, and is getting a lot of satisfaction out of it too. Power to her! She's a real diamond in every respect. Love to everyone who has felt the sting of someone's spite and thanks for the advice. D |