St. Patrick's Week Jokes

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: leprechaun
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 07:41 PM

Sean had been drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Sean". Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then." Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off . He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorjamb. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. "I'm fookin fooked," he says. He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door jamb, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin way" He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fook it" and crawls into bed. The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Sean says, "I did Mary. I was fookin fooked. But how'd you know?" Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Desdemona
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 07:56 PM

A guy sits down at a bar & orders a pint of Guinness; the fellow next to him says "Pardon me for asking, but I hear from your accent that you're Irish".

"Sure and I am", replies the 1st man, "born & bred in the heart o' Dublin, I was". "Do ye say so?" exclaims the 2nd,"and so was I, right in St Mary's Parish!"

"Faith & begorrah(this is a joke, all right?!), and so was I! Where'd you go to school?"

"Why I went to Holy Souls, so I did."

"Ah, the saints are smilin' on us, for I went there, too; let me buy you a pint!"

As the reminiscing & resultant bonding goes on between the two, the bartender shakes his head & turns away in disgust. A customer asks him what's wrong, and he answers, "Oh, nothing; the O'Malley twins are pissed again."

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Genie
Date: 10 Mar 02 - 09:12 PM

Well, I think the Irish should tell jokes on the Scots during St. Patrick's week, so here's the punchline of my FAVORITE SCOTS joke:

"The regiment voted tae hae it repaired!"

(I figure a lot of you folks already know this one, and, if not, perhaps a Mudcatter of the Scottish persuasion can tell it with a more authenitic Scots flavor than I can.)

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Teribus
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 03:02 AM

What did St. Patrick say when he drove the snakes out of Ireland?

"Are yeez aal roight in the back der lads"

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 04:43 AM

So Mick returned from 3 years at Oxford studying European Literature (With a degree!!), and started to seek suitable employment,
After a few weeks he realised all his education was not helping him get a job, so he decided to follow his forebears into the building trade. (Yes, this joke is about Mick & the forebears , Not Goldilocks and the three bears)

The manager of the first building firm he tried thought his build looked suitable, but questioned whether he knew about the trade. "Oh yes," said Mick "Me father was in the trade, and so was his father."
The manager thought this sounded fine and decided to test him with a simple question. "What's the difference between a joist and a girder? "

Mick thought for a second, and said "That's too easy, Joyce wrote Ulyses, Goethe wrote Faust".

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 04:45 AM

Pat & Mick live together, and one day Mick arrives home early, and sees, in the middle of the floor, two crates of Guinness and two loaves of bread.

Says he "Pat, are we having a party?"

"No" says Pat,

"Then what's all this bread for?!"

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 09:26 AM

Then there's the driver who comes over to Wales from the remotest part of Ireland, and sees a traffic light for the first time. He stops at the line and waits, and waits, and waits...
Eventually a policeman comes up and asks if he's having problems. The driver asks for an explanation and is told.
"Well, when the red light shows, only communists can drive through; but when the green light shows then the way is clear for sons of old Ireland."
The policeman returns a minute later to find the driver still there, and enquires why.
The driver replies "Sure you don't give dem Orangemen much time atall!"

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: The Pooka
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 06:42 PM

This stereotypical, disrespectful, inappropriate & racist rubbish is absolutely hilarious. *LMAO* God help me, I love it so. Nigel Parsons, Joyce & Goethe to be SURE! heeheehee / "Ye ijit, now we'll have to piss in the boat" HARHARHAR / Hoo boy.

But wait! Not to split the ethnic hairs (or any other hairs I hope) too fine, but are there nae good Norn Iron Orangeman jokes? (Yes Nigel I see the traffic-light one & it's good but that doesn't quite count, the joke is still on Paddy.) We are standin' in the need of the world-renowned Ulster Scots sense of self-deprecating humor. Anyone to the rescue? (ljc???)

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,Arjay
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 09:58 PM

Cranky Yankee, I REALLY like yer Katy and Bridget Joke!

Murray, yours about the 3 bothers is great, too, as is Nigel's about "all this bread!"

Before we get off the Irish Catholics, one more punch-line-only:
"Oh, Heaven be praised!" sighed Father O'Brien with relief, "I thought ye said 'Protestant!'"

Arjay

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: The Pooka
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 10:06 PM

Well, since we've not yet heard from the County Antrim and we're still after the Punch Lines Only:

"Oh, t'anks be to Gawd, I t'ought da *shteerin'* was goin'."

and
"But Brother Seamus, why are you weeping so?" "'Celebrate'! The original text said 'Celebrate'!"

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: The Pooka
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 10:12 PM

And, come ta t'ink of it (now dis wan *may* only wurruk fer yer oul' Makemfreaks like meself):

"I will not! It's th' light that's atthractin' 'em!!"

-O'Brien

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: The Pooka
Date: 11 Mar 02 - 10:21 PM

Aaah shite, now ye went an' got me shtarted -

Gossoon: "Ma, is Santy Claus an Englishman?"
Mudther: "Sure now Timothy wot in the wurruld would give yez such a silly notion as dat?"

"Well here we got t'ree dures an' seven windas in th' hoose, an' th' bloody man keeps a-comin' doon th' chimbley."

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Genie
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 02:07 AM

Bridget and Seamus O' Rourke, now both 60 years old, have been married since they were 20. One fine evening they suprise a leprechaun sleeping in their barn and they manage to corner the little man.
"All, right," says the leprechaun, "Ye've got me, begorrah! I'll have to give ye each a wish!
"Well, what'll ye be wishin', Mrs. O'Rourke?" "Hmmm," says Bridget, "now I don't want to be wastin' me wish. I'd like to think about it fer a bit, if ye don't mind."
"Well, don't dally too long, my good woman, I haven't got all day!" snaps the leprechaun. "Well, what'll ye be wishin', Mr. O'Rourke? I hope ye don't take as long as yer wife to make up yer mind!"
"Faith, no," replies Seamus, "I know exactly what I want! I want a wife thirty years my junior! That's what I'll have, thank ye!"
"Done!" says the leprechaun with a wave of his little hand.

And Seamus is now sixty!

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Piek
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 06:12 AM

Why do the Scots like to tell Irish jokes? Because they are cheap! Happy St.Pats...

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 06:22 AM

Turninf the tables slightly,
There was the American driving in Ireland, and looking for somewhere to park. He pulled in to the side of the road, and was approached by a member of the local constabulary.
"Sorry, Yous can't park here"
"Why not?" asked the driver.
"Dat single yellow line" say the oficer, "It means no parking at all."
"So what does the double yellow line mean?" asked the driver.
"No Parking Atall atall !!"

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: HuwG
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 08:43 AM

I have a copy of a Northern Ireland calendar, if anyone needs it...

January

February

March

March

March

etc...

[Hastily donning flame-proof underwear...]

Patrick goes to Las Vegas. He tries a table where they are playing the card game he is most familiar with, Brag (21). After an hour he is down to his shirt, and stakes it on one last hand. 17 points, a rubbish hand. He is about to throw it in, when poof!, a leprechaun appears on his shoulder.

"Twist!", says the little fellow. Well, Pat has nothing to lose, so he twists. A deuce (2). 19 points, a bit better. "Thanks", he says, "I'll stick on that."

"No, no!", says the leprechaun. "Twist! Twist!"

Pat twists again. An ace ! 20 points, he is in with a good chance. "Right. I'll stick".

"No! Twist! Twist! Twist, I tell ye!", says the leprechaun. "Are you sure?" says Pat. "The odds against getting another ace must be astronomical". The leprechaun is almost dancing with fury. "No ! Twist! Twist! Twist!".

"OK, you know best" says Pat, and twists again. Another ace! He has five cards, 21 points, an unbeatable hand. He proudly shows it to the little fellow. The leprechaun looks at it and says, "You jammy bastard ! How did you manage that?"

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,Jiggers
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 04:03 PM

Why does an Irishman wear two condoms ? Tay be sure, tay be sure.

There are three ducks flying over Belfast. Mother duck says "quack". Father duck says "quack". Baby duck says - "I'm going as quack as I can !"

Why should the population of Ireland be getting bigger ? Because the capital is always Dublin (hint: doublin')

Jiggers

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Gloredhel
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 08:48 PM

"How do you know when an Irishman has Alzheimer's" "He forgives his enemies."

And it's companion, provoked by a priest's exhortation to forgive one's enemies, courtesy a poet friend (let's give these line breaks a go):

McAlzheimer's (by Tom Riley)

So it's dementia, is it, that you're wishing
on me now, after some 900 years
of merciless oppression? Set me fishing
in the vast pond between my ample ears
and hope that I get skunked? Well, shed your tears
already, for I shall not go that way;
though every day I drink two dozen beers
and a whole quart of Bushmill's! On display
ever before my narrow eyes, today
and every dar, my list of cursed foes
is bright and clear, and why should I betray
that comfort, which has warmed my heart, God knows,
since I was just a tiny lad? Desist!
Better to pray you do not make the list.

Slainte, Colleen

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Gloredhel
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 08:51 PM

Oh my gosh, I can do line breaks! *does an appropriately Irish jig, then changes her mind as she is much better at reels*

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 12 Mar 02 - 10:55 PM

Gloridhel: If I remember the definition correctly, that's a sonnet! And a darn good one, too! What a pleasure to see such a well-crafted poem!

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: leprechaun
Date: 13 Mar 02 - 12:44 AM

A tourist in Belfast was walking through a particularly scary neighborhood. All at once he felt a pair of hands around his throat, and heard a voice growling, "What religion are you?"

He thinks to himself, "If I tell him I'm Catholic, he might be a Protestant, and he'll strangle me. But if I say I'm Protestant, he might be a Catholic, in which case I still get throttled." Then he comes up with a brilliant idea. He says, "I'm Jewish."

The voice says, "I must be the luckiest Palestinian in all of Belfast!"

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Genie
Date: 13 Mar 02 - 02:29 AM

Trying this AGAIN [since I screwed up the punch line, above.]: Bridget and Seamus O' Rourke, now both 60 years old, have been married since they were 20. One fine evening they suprise a leprechaun sleeping in their barn and they manage to corner the little man. "All, right," says the leprechaun, "Ye've got me, begorrah! I'll have to give ye each a wish! "Well, what'll ye be wishin', Mrs. O'Rourke?" "Hmmm," says Bridget, "now I don't want to be wastin' me wish. I'd like to think about it fer a bit, if ye don't mind." "Well, don't dally too long, my good woman, I haven't got all day!" snaps the leprechaun. "Well, what'll ye be wishin', Mr. O'Rourke? I hope ye don't take as long as yer wife to make up yer mind!" "Faith, no," replies Seamus, "I know exactly what I want! I want a wife thirty years my junior! That's what I'll have, thank ye!" "Done!" says the leprechaun with a wave of his little hand. And Seamus is now Ninety!

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Auxiris
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 06:20 AM

Murphy was a very famous microsurgeon who worked in a hospital way up in the wilds. Nearby the hospital, there was a factory and in the factory, there was this incredible machine. Now, the worker of the machine had to put his hand inside the machine many times a day to retrieve the parts after they were processed and, as there was a kind of blade that came round, the worker had to time it correctly so as the blade did not interfere with his hand as he was reaching into the machine. One day, anyway, he was feeling a bit under the weather and as he reached into the machine to retrieve the part, he was too slow getting his hand out of the way, the blade came 'round and off went his hand! So, a few of his colleagues ran over and said, "Never mind, Tim! You'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed hand into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "There's genius of a surgeon who's just started to work at the hospital and his name is Murphy." They rushed Tim into the operating theatre and, after a six-hour operation, he woke up the next morning in a hospital bed. He was afraid to look, but eventually opened one eye and he spotted his hand back in its normal place. Amazed, he moved one finger, then he moved another finger, then another, another and another. . . then another (he had six fingers on the one hand; very unusual hand). He was back to normal and two days later he was down the pub playing accordion as if he'd never had his hand chopped off.

Now, back at the factory, some of his colleagues were very curious about this machine and came over a few days later to have a closer look at it. One lad, completely overcome with curiosity, stood up on the edge of it and lost concetration for a moment and his leg slipped. Around came the blade and chopped off his foot! His friends were very quick to react: "Never mind, Brian! Hurry up lads, take him off to the hospital; he'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed foot into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "Don't worry, Murphy the microsurgeon will save yer foot." They rushed Brian into the operating theatre and, after an eleven-hour operation, he was out playing football the following weekend.

At this point in time, Murphy's reputation had gone completely through the roof and he was hailed as the most incredible microsurgeon since microsurgery began. On the following Monday, a few more of the factory workers who were curious about the machine came over to have a look at it and one guy was trying to figure it out and stuck his head in. . . and the blade came 'round and chopped his head off! "Never mind, Mick! Quick, hurry up lads, take him off to the hospital; he'll be all right!" And, with that, they quickly put his severed head into a plastic bag with ice and took him up to the hospital, saying, "Don't worry, Murphy the miraculous microsurgeon will save you." They rushed Mick into the operating theatre and Murphy operated on him for twenty-four-hours straight. All the factory workers were waiting outside when Murphy the microsurgeon appeared at the door and the workers began to shout, "Hey, is he talkin' yet?" " Can he sing a song?" "Is he all right?" Murphy looked at them and said, "He's dead." Shock and disbelief! "But, but, what about Murphy's miraculous microsurgery?" "Oh", said Murphy, "That worked 100%, but you guys smothered him with the plastic bag."

cheers,

Aux

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 06:26 AM

...Continued
After Tim had lost a finger in an industrial accident (It was miracle Murphy's week off so they couldn't save it), He was interviewed by the factory's Health & Safety oficer.
"How exactly did it happen?" he asked

"Well," said Tim," I puts me hand in this machine, like this,and...Bugger me! there goes another one!"

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 06:30 AM

So Tim went home, on sick leave, and phoned his girlfriend at her office.

"Hello darlin' I've had another accident, and cut me finger off!"
"What?" she says,"Your whole finger ?" "No, the one next to it!"

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,JTT
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 06:47 AM

It's always interested me the way English people tell jokes sneering at the supposed stupidity of the Irish.

And the stupider the Englishman, the more eager he is to tell these jokes.

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 06:48 AM

Pat and Mick are looking for some money, or a job, (preferably just the money!), and they see a sign "Tree Fellers Wanted"
"Ah, tis a shame Dermott ain't with us."

They decide to apply anyway, and are surprised to get jobs. However, the job is cutting down Christmas trees, and the rate of pay depends on the number of trees per day.
In order to make the job worthwhile, they need to cut down 40 trees between them each day. And, having been issued with Saws, and safety equipment, they get to work.
At the end of the first day they've cut down 20 trees, and decide to keep trying.
Day 2 they manage 35 trees, and get paid enough to go out for a few drinks.
Day 3 they compete against one another, and by the end of the day have managed 19 trees each. "Sod this" says Pat,"I'm finding something else to do!"
Mick agrees, and they go to the foreman to collect their meagre pay, and hand in their equipment.
The foreman insists on checking the state of the equipment before paying them, and pulls the cord on one of the saws. As the motor springs to life, Pat says "Bejeyzus, what's that awful racket?"

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 07:35 AM

Guest JTT:
It seems you had to read an awfully long way through this thread to be able to take a chip at the English. (and what better target?!)
But all groups have these type jokes, even in Ireland, The "Kerrymen" are the but of these type of jokes.
To amuse a dutchman, tell one of these but change Irish for Belgian.
Of course, you may not have read the whole thread, as their are included jokes against the scots & the English as well.

As someone once said, "There are two things I can't stand, Racism and bloody foreigners"

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 15 Mar 02 - 10:20 AM

Sorry, Pooka and Arjay, but cait's joke about the flies wins hands down (IMHO).

Allan

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Auxiris
Date: 16 Mar 02 - 03:04 AM

Not strictly an Irish joke, but. . . .

An Irishman with a bad leg hobbled into a restaurant one afternoon. He painfully sat down at a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?". The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup of coffee too.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was an Alabama redneck. He swaggered over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, sweet thang, how's about gettin me a cold glass of Coke!" He too looked across the restaurant and asked "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the redneck said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke too.

As Jesus got up to leave, He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said "For your kindness, you are healed." The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door. Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Englishman felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door. Then Jesus walked towards the redneck. The redneck jumps up and yells, "Hey man, don't touch me. . . . I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

cheers,

Aux

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,beachcomber
Date: 16 Mar 02 - 07:12 PM

And dont forget....

Two Paddies were laying paving slabs in London when they noticed a well dressed englishman standing nearby , watching. The two lads carried on working until eventually the Englishman could'nt watch them any longer and felt he hads to say, "I say, you chappies there, you're doing a damned good job keep it up!" The Paddies thanked him (touching their forelocks in so doing (As one does ....or should)) The Englishman however felt that he might perhaps have been a little "overstated" and went on, "I'm an engineering chappie myself, y'know so , of course, in my work I have to be accurate to one thousandth of an inch, actually" The more stupid Paddy looked up at him and replied "Ah Jaysus that'd be no good here at all at all. Shure we have to be spot-on with these"

Enjoy the Craic over the next few days...even if you're not IRISH.

beach

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Bud Savoie
Date: 16 Mar 02 - 07:28 PM

OK, someone asked for an Orange joke? Here goes:

The Rev. Ian Paisley is taking a stroll about Belfast when he sees a kid by the side of the road with a basket of newborn kittens and a sign reading: "Protestant kittens free to good homes." Paisley is very pleased and gives the kid a coin, a pat on the head, and warm praise.

A week later, Paisley is taking a walk again and sees the same boy sitting by the curb (kerb?) with the basket of kittens. But now the sign reads: "Catholic kittens free to good homes." Paisley is furious and shouts at the kid: "You little traitor! Why are you calling these kittens Catholics now?" The boy looks up and says, "Well, sir, they're two weeks old now and their eyes are open."

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,campion
Date: 16 Mar 02 - 11:45 PM

Padraic Pearse, frustrated by the way that Irish American politicians used Ireland and Irish causes to further their own American political careers once remarked that "Saint Patrick chased all of the snakes out of Ireland into the sea, from whence they swam to Boston to run for office as Democrats."

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,Irish wife
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 12:19 AM

The woman walks into the office of the local paper. She explains to the editor that her husband has died and she wants to put it in the paper. The editor explains that the cost is a pound per word. The woman only has two pounds, so she writes out the notice. "Pat died." The editor, knowing that Pat was a good guy and thinking he's deserving of a few more words tells the widow he'll give her three more words, free of charge, in honor of Pat. Pat's widow thanks him and rewrites the notice. "Pat died. Boat for Sale."

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Gareth
Date: 17 Mar 02 - 06:35 PM

Sure - and there is Mrs Paisley walking down the street in Belfast. She meets her Dentist.

"And hows the mouth this morning Mrs Paisley ?"

" Ah he's fine Dr., just fine !"

Gareth

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 11 Mar 03 - 11:20 AM

I just wanted to refresh this thread. Since the closing of my favorite irish pub, I only play Irish gigs once a year, so, can anyone add any new blood to this joke thread that I can use at my one and only irish gig of the year????


Frank

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: GUEST,The O'Meara
Date: 11 Mar 03 - 11:56 AM

Do you know why Scots can't tell jokestiming.

O'Meara

Subject: RE: St. Patrick's Week Jokes
From: Pseudolus
Date: 11 Mar 03 - 03:26 PM

It's hard to tell that one in type....nicely done.....

Frank