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BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2

alison 25 Mar 01 - 06:43 AM
Micca 25 Mar 01 - 08:08 AM
Micca 25 Mar 01 - 08:11 AM
catspaw49 25 Mar 01 - 08:12 AM
alison 25 Mar 01 - 08:29 AM
Noreen 25 Mar 01 - 11:15 AM
wysiwyg 25 Mar 01 - 11:50 AM
wysiwyg 25 Mar 01 - 11:52 AM
Little Hawk 25 Mar 01 - 01:00 PM
Morticia 25 Mar 01 - 01:09 PM
SINSULL 25 Mar 01 - 03:31 PM
catspaw49 25 Mar 01 - 03:52 PM
Matt_R 25 Mar 01 - 05:23 PM
GUEST,Zeus 25 Mar 01 - 05:58 PM
Lonesome EJ 25 Mar 01 - 06:16 PM
Morticia 25 Mar 01 - 07:03 PM
SINSULL 25 Mar 01 - 07:40 PM
GUEST,Zeus 25 Mar 01 - 08:41 PM
alison 25 Mar 01 - 09:32 PM
hesperis 25 Mar 01 - 11:58 PM
Matt_R 26 Mar 01 - 12:51 AM
Ella who is Sooze 26 Mar 01 - 03:40 AM
GUEST,Zeus 26 Mar 01 - 07:45 AM
SINSULL 26 Mar 01 - 10:42 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 26 Mar 01 - 10:47 AM
catspaw49 26 Mar 01 - 12:10 PM
Micca 26 Mar 01 - 12:23 PM
catspaw49 26 Mar 01 - 12:26 PM
Lonesome EJ 26 Mar 01 - 12:40 PM
catspaw49 26 Mar 01 - 12:44 PM
GUEST,Matt_R 26 Mar 01 - 01:01 PM
Noreen 26 Mar 01 - 01:40 PM
catspaw49 26 Mar 01 - 01:52 PM
mousethief 26 Mar 01 - 02:08 PM
GUEST,kendall 26 Mar 01 - 02:18 PM
MMario 26 Mar 01 - 02:21 PM
Little Hawk 26 Mar 01 - 03:51 PM
gnu 26 Mar 01 - 04:34 PM
GUEST,Zeus 26 Mar 01 - 06:50 PM
mousethief 26 Mar 01 - 07:06 PM
Big Mick 26 Mar 01 - 08:34 PM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 27 Mar 01 - 02:50 AM
alison 27 Mar 01 - 02:58 AM
Ella who is Sooze 27 Mar 01 - 03:57 AM
Ella who is Sooze 27 Mar 01 - 03:59 AM
GUEST,Roger the skiffler 27 Mar 01 - 04:39 AM
Ella who is Sooze 27 Mar 01 - 04:47 AM
GUEST,micca at work 27 Mar 01 - 06:03 AM
Ella who is Sooze 27 Mar 01 - 06:17 AM
Ella who is Sooze 27 Mar 01 - 06:19 AM

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Subject: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: alison
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 06:43 AM

a very sheepish alison peers out from behind an olive tree trunk

for any of you who haven't a clue what's going on.. this is continued from here

You big eejit Mick... you said they wouldn't find out..... the least you can do is give me back my toga.....

AND they've got it on video... that "we were just playing scrabble" line isn't going to work now......

oh LEJ....... oops sorry Bacchus..... what exactly do I need to do to get that tape off you??????


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Micca
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 08:08 AM

Bacchus invited me into the grove to try his private supply of good Burgundy, rather than the Plonque ordnaire he is serving to the rest of you reprobates..and he has a couple of nymphs he wanted me to meet....said they were called Jeri and Sinsull...and would I like to make a 4th for "scrabble"(see Alisons post for explanation)...


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Micca
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 08:11 AM

I , of course, reclined...


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 08:12 AM

Say, if y'all wouldn't mind I was hopin' for a favor. I can see you've been all completely debauched and everything, but if you happen to be out getting your togas cleaned or picking up a few more incantations to the gods or whatever, could you keep an eye out for Paw? I posted this yesterday on another thread, but since they are heading out Leej's way (and if the lightning hasn't struck him yet), I was hoping you all might keep an eye peeled along with the olives...............

**********************************************************

I've often thought there was something genetic at work in being susceptible to TV ads, but now I am sure of it. A couple of years back, Rick Fielding, an obvious sucker, sent his three half brothers, all named Reg, down here and of course they immediately hit it off with Paw, Cletus, and Buford. I suppose I should have figured they were "Ad-Addicts" because each of them had their own Pocket Fisherman inscribed with their name, or so they said. Upon closer inspection I found the "Reg" they were referring to was the "reg." in the patent info but they were happy and there was no convincing them otherwise.

Cletus too is one of those folks who becomes entranced by all types of electronic pictures and once spent several weeks in the James Taylor Rehab Wing For Catatonic Blandness at the Neil Young Center for the Terminally Screwed to cure his catatonic condition brought on by staring at Hamsterdance on my computer for three straight days.

Paw has been taken to the proverbial cleaners many times in his life starting with playing punchcards and once losing $82.00 and a new union suit to a card tosser playing Three Card Monty. It made quite an impression on him as he was wearing the union suit at the time and had to hitchhike the 600 miles home from New York City wearing only his bibs........in February. It was a numbing experience and he is pretty skeptical about anything being pitched his way. Today though, he was hooked into a scheme to cure his piles which Cletus and the Reg boys had figured out.

Buford had purchased an "Ab-Roller" from the TV ad in an effort to lose some of the spare tire he was carrying owing to the case and a half of Iron City he downs every day. He'd already tried the "Hollywood Miracle Diet" and I suppose it did clean the toxins from his system as advertized, at least to some degree. When it arrived he drank down the entire bottle straight without mixing. His first fart, about 45 minutes later, blew out the seat of his pants and he spent the next two days sleeping in the outhouse. The "Ab-Roller" seemed a lot safer and for Paw, Cletus, and the Reg boys it was certainly far better smelling. Buford could fuck up a wet dream though and sure enough when the things came (he ordered two just for the discount), he tries one out right on the spot. The spot in question being down by his mailbox where the road goes downhill and the gizmo took off dragging Buford along behind. If he had let go he wouldn't have run off into the big patch of poison sumac by the Chessie tracks.

Buford was really a mess btween the road burns and breaking out real bad from the sumac so Cletus offered to let him stay at his place with the Reg boys til he was better and Cletus could take care of him. While Cletus and the Reg boys were out, Buford got to looking around for some lotion and ran across the "Nads" kit that Cletus had ordered. Sadly, Buford had never heard of Nads before and thought it was something to make your genitals feel better and his were burning up from the sumac so he poured some on and applied the pad as directed. I guess the stuff is made for legs and backs and other parts of the body where the skin is tougher because when Buford pulled off the patch it brought not only hair, but three layers of skin off his balls. When the others returned they found Buford as a mass of quivering pulp on the floor and that this latest insanity would force him into a hospital stay for skin grafts on his nuts.

It was about this time that Paw's 'roids flared up on him. Ever since the "Night of the Farted Falwell" when one of Paw's flamers had scorched the image of Jerry Falwell on my garage wall, he had been having trouble. Some say that it's a divine retribution or a curse from Falwell, but it seems to me that after 50 years of lighting farts, his asshole has just blown out. The Reg boys had just ordered some magnetic bracelets for Buford to help in his healing, but since he was in the hospital they thought Paw could use them to cure his wasted bunghole. They figured that between them they had 27 of these bracelets, including Buford's, in various sizes and if they could affix them somehow to Paw's butt, a cure was inevitable.

As always, the answer was duct tape. Cletus held Paw down while Reg stacked the bracelets in stacks of nine, handed them to Reg who arranged them in interlocking stacks on Paw's ass, while Reg taped the whole thing on. When they let Paw up, Cletus said he was not as mad as he thought he'd be and the magnets only made a small bump in his bibs. I think though, based on what happened next, that the interlocking magnets may have produced too strong a field because as they walked down the road past the Rafferty house, a hubcap off of ol' man Rafferty's Buick flew off and slammed into Paw's ass. Rafferty was boiling peanuts in front of his stoop and came running over, madder than hell. After great tugging and throwing Paw all over the place, the hubcap was still stuck. Finally Paw held onto Rafferty's mailbox and the others managed to get the damn thing off but they pulled the mailbox out in the process. Ol' man Rafferty went to get his shotgun and the rest of them made tracks, not stopping til they reached the intersection at Rt.40. Here's where things went really bad.

A Peterbilt with California registration roared past and before anyone could make a move, Paw was snatched up and was last seen hanging by his ass from an exhaust stack. Cletus and the Reg boys figured they could snatch him back with the Popeil's Pocket Fisherman if they could catch up so they hopped in Buford's pickup which he wasn't using and headed out, stopping at my place briefly to drop off Cletus' pet cockroach, Hernando, for me to care for until they returned, hopefully with Paw. My neighbor said he past them heading out of town, the Reg boys in the bed of the truck, Popeil equipped.

If you live west of here, I'd appreciate it if you'd keep an eye out for them. And do me a favor if you see Paw. Take those magnetic bracelets off his ass. By the way, does anybody know if these things that turn your home's electrical system into a sonic pest repellant will kill cockroaches?

Hernando? HERNANDO?? HERNANDO??? HERNANDO????............Hmmmm............Do they lay upside down like this a lot?

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: alison
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 08:29 AM

Hey 'spaw.. I don't know what you're smoking... but jump in that big vat over there.. LEJ will lend you his snorkel......

you'll feel MUCH better afterwards.... or at least you won't care!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Noreen
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 11:15 AM

To get back to the olive groves... who misread the invitation to the toga party and turned up dressed as a goat?


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 11:50 AM

they should proofread the invites better. Mine definatelyt read "Bring your goat for the goat party!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: wysiwyg
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 11:52 AM

oops! sorry - grabbed the wrong cookie on my way over. that (and this) post was me.

MMario


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Little Hawk
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 01:00 PM

Spaw.

I just read your last addition to this irredeemable thread.

I would like to say "I'm speechless", but to do that would be self-contradictory at this point.

I just feel that way.

Get help, man, before it's too late...

I find that repeated listenings to "Space Oddity" can increase lucidity and reduce flatulence to boot. That's about all I can recommend at this point. 80 hours of continuous play should do it. Maybe.

- LH


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Morticia
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 01:09 PM

Now you mention it Spaw, a pick-up came screaming through here about a half hour ago....couldn't tell who was in it though on account of they were all mooning over the tailboard but there were a lot of hairy bottoms ( and I don't mean the Shakespearian kind), loud howls of frenzied laughter and a distinct aroma of moonshine.....could that be them?


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: SINSULL
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 03:31 PM

No you don't Micca. "Quantong" is not a valid word. (Who would have believed that when the old guy invited me into the olive grove to play Scrabble, that he wanted to play Scrabble?) And some friend Jeri turned out to be...here I sit in a polyester pantsuit sweating on a bed of greasy fallen olives with a dictionary while she and Bacchus romp around taking sneaky pictures of everyone.
Excuse me Micca. Just going to the powred room for a moment. Be right back...


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: catspaw49
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 03:52 PM

Thanks Morty, I think you spotted them. I don't think the Reg boys were mooning because as I got to thinking about it, the supper they had the night before this escapade started was a kind of Americanized version of "Bubble and Squeak" where you throw in the leftover pinto beans too. They may have been adding some jet thrust to Buford's pickup since it'll only run about 50 at best. Well, I guess I'll just have to wait and hear from the law who will undoubtedly be calling at some point, the potential for disaster being what it is and all.

So while I wait........Which of you lovelies is available for a little nymph duty? Morty? Sinsull? I mean hell Sins, I have no idea what a quantong is but I can surely play a better form of scrabble! Maybe the three of us could tickle each other's fancy.........or other things. Whatever we do, let's get going 'cause the "Bubble and Squeak Plus" hasn't hit me yet..............................

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Matt_R
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 05:23 PM

Well, I leave for TWO days and see I'm already the butt of jokes!!! HA HA HA! I made some heavenly hash (marshmallows, pineapple, etc.) this weekend and it was DAMN GOOD.


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: GUEST,Zeus
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 05:58 PM

Dont make me come down there! I turn my back for a few weeks and you all throw a freeking orgy. I've a good mind to turn you all into cuttlefish!


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 06:16 PM

Sorry Alison, I sold the tape to a guy from www.realOrgy.com who said he had an artistic interest only. And now I'm very angry because it's posted on his Celebrity Intimate Video web site along with the one of Tommy and Pam. Hell, I didn't even get filmaker credits. But don't worry, your names aren't mentioned. Your clip is described as "John Goodman gets it on with Jody Foster!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Morticia
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 07:03 PM

Spaw, I think I'm on nymph duty tonight...that means I cheat at scrabble ( and poker and Old Maid) and my knee length socks aren't as white as they could be....hope that's okay *BG*?


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: SINSULL
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 07:40 PM

Hey Zeus! Wanna play Scrabble? Freeking has a "A" in it!
THWACK!!!!! So much for the polyester pants suit... This is getting ridiculous. Now all I can find to wear is a slightly stretched out thong and half a potato.Hmmmm Weave in a few grape leaves and I'm all set to go.


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: GUEST,Zeus
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 08:41 PM

Sorry underling but there is no such word as "Freaking" or Freeking, so, it may be spelled any way I want. Freak is a noun, if freaking/ freeking were a real word, it would be a verb. SMACK! I dont play Scrabble. too easy. Now, Trivial Pursuit, thats my game.


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: alison
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 09:32 PM

Jody Foster????? Jody %*$&*%^ Foster??????.... I look nothing like her.... admittedly most of me was hidden.... hahaha.... but thanks for letting me know... I was wondering why Micca kept calling me "Clarice" and giggling.......

Hey Zeus, isn't there some sort of rule about videoing people without their consent? any chance of giving Bacchus a quick zap from me....... please..... I'll make it worth your while........ *grin*.....


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: hesperis
Date: 25 Mar 01 - 11:58 PM

*hesperis suddenly wakes up from her nap, and is astounded at the disheveled state of the other bacchanalian revellers. She heads out quickly, not even trying to get the grape juice out of her hair... Her state could quite accurately be described as "freaked"...*

Her last words were "..Micca and Alison playing Scrabble in an Olive grove? Scareeeeeeeee!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Matt_R
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 12:51 AM

Ah yes...loss of interest, the main reason for my virginity, has reared it's ugly head yet again.

I'll be over here with my guitar.

Me and my soul, we know where we're going
We're going where the grass is free and the air is clean
And the good times are growing
Take me away, just for today
Cause I'm sad here on my own...


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Ella who is Sooze
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 03:40 AM

ahhh... Micca that hip flask stuff sounds good.. And MMario as for Nanny Oggs cider... Mad apples... never touch the stuff, sends you fair loopy it does!

Matt... Marshmallow and Pineapple.. heck!!

Well, if your invites said goats, and not togas I thought it was a dyslexic goast party...

has anyone seen Bacchus... I want to apologise for trampling on him...

rum yum rum yum rum yum rum yum ruuuummmmmmm

E


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: GUEST,Zeus
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 07:45 AM

There is a rule I just made up. First, I must see the tape to make sure it is really you, then, I must see you in person to be sure it is really you. Then, after making a copy of it, I will return the tape to you, and fry his VCR with a small thunderbolt. Now, what is all this worth to you?


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: SINSULL
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 10:42 AM

bE CAREFUL zEUS. iF hERA CATCHES YOU WITH THAT STUFF, SHE'LL HAVE YOU CLEANING THE GREEN JELL-O OUT OF THE FOUNTAINS!


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 10:47 AM

Let'sh have a kick-about with that old wineskin. I'll be Centaur-forward.
RtS


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 12:10 PM

What? Centaur Forward? CENTAUR FORWARD???

Geeziz Skiff.............Have you no shame???

Spaw

(damn, wish I'd said that)


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Micca
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 12:23 PM

Ah...Spaw I thought you were just a Soft Centaur...


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 12:26 PM

..........and they're getting worse................

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 12:40 PM

Personally, I think Kareem was the greatest centaur of all time, although Chamberlain holds the scoring record.


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 12:44 PM

......awferchrissakes...................

Spaw (who'd take Bill Russell)


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: GUEST,Matt_R
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 01:01 PM

How many licks does it take to get to the Centaur of a tootsie roll pop? Ladies?


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Noreen
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 01:40 PM

Yer what, Mattie??


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: catspaw49
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 01:52 PM

I dunno' Noreen...........I think he's making a comparison to his genitals, in which case his Willie is about an inch long, hard.........but crunchy.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: mousethief
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 02:08 PM

I shudder to think how you would know that, Spaw.


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: GUEST,kendall
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 02:18 PM

Dont feel bad Matt, he was wrong about Edgar Cayce too.


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: MMario
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 02:21 PM

I always wondered why the tootsies were allowed to roll their pop. Isn't there some kind of commandment against that?


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Little Hawk
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 03:51 PM

What does all this have to do with Orillia?


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: gnu
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 04:34 PM

Orillia ? Oranything ?

confusedgnu


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: GUEST,Zeus
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 06:50 PM

You came here looking for sense?


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: mousethief
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 07:06 PM

Worked for Lot's daughters.


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Big Mick
Date: 26 Mar 01 - 08:34 PM

Awwrrriggggghhhhhhttttteeeee then................I will be back in character after I get done changing undies and chortling over that feckin' exchange between RtS and spaw............you folks need to get a hobby...............ROFLMAO.......

Mick


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 27 Mar 01 - 02:50 AM

No shame, I'm full of delusions of grandeur, in fact I think I'm the Centaur of the universe.
RtS (everyone a little gem!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: alison
Date: 27 Mar 01 - 02:58 AM

name your price Zeus... meanwhile.. how about you and I wander off onto one of your clouds... and I'll whup your ass at trivial pursuit......


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Ella who is Sooze
Date: 27 Mar 01 - 03:57 AM

Alison...

you're an awful Squitch! so you are...

Hey Mick... Alisons off entertaining Zeus... how about it.

And the new name for it is Trivial pursuit... hem hem...

What's a tootsie???

And Mmario, wasn't there something about going blind if you were allowed to roll your pop?

Wanders off to put soap powder in all Zeus's fountains...

Bubble bath anyone?

Ella


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Ella who is Sooze
Date: 27 Mar 01 - 03:59 AM

Erm... Orilla....?

Is this a gorilla without his G?


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: GUEST,Roger the skiffler
Date: 27 Mar 01 - 04:39 AM

Hey, now I'm a Centaur, I ought to enter myself for some horse races and bet on myself. Can't be worse than the ones I usually bet on who seem to come from two well-known stables: Norfolk and Good or Norfolk and Hughes.
RtS (only trying to be the Centaur of attention- or did I use that one already- probably!)


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Ella who is Sooze
Date: 27 Mar 01 - 04:47 AM

Roger, don't get your Centaur parting in a tizz now... but I reckon your odds would be good for the racing...

I'd certainly put a few bob on you... 40 golden guinneas to the winner, though, I agree... I usually end up with nags from the Norfolk n good stables... hem hem..

Ella... from the Centuar of Excellence.....

oooooo groan!


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: GUEST,micca at work
Date: 27 Mar 01 - 06:03 AM

Ella, dont fall for his promises of wealth based on his running ability, its just a Centaurfuge to seperate you from your dosh!!


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Ella who is Sooze
Date: 27 Mar 01 - 06:17 AM

Don't worry Micca... I have a slush fund set aside in the Centaural Bank of Scotland just for those purposes...

Actually, I don't bet at all, I am hopeless at it and prefer to Centaur my thoughts on other things other than gambling.. erm... ohhh!


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Subject: RE: BS: Tavern Rites of Spring 2
From: Ella who is Sooze
Date: 27 Mar 01 - 06:19 AM

would that be similar to Cenaurfugal force Micca... May the cenaurfugal force be with you...

Bubble bath anyone?.... fountains are bubbling up nicely now...


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